10 Ways to Respond to Someone’s Bad News
应对他人坏消息的 10 种方法

The first thing you say when someone tells you their bad news determines where the rest of the conversation goes—and, sometimes, where the relationship goes. Responding in a less-than-ideal way can prompt your conversation partner to pull back and decide, “‘Well, I’m not going to bring that to you anymore,’” says Jenny Dreizen, an etiquette expert and the Scotland-based co-founder of Fresh Starts Registry, a website that offers dozens of scripts in order to provide words for moments that leave you at a loss. “We all get blank-page syndrome,” she says. “None of us know how to do this.”
T 当别人告诉你他的坏消息时，你说的第一句话决定了接下来谈话的走向，有时甚至决定了双方关系的走向。珍妮 - 德雷兹恩（Jenny Dreizen）说：" 以一种不太理想的方式做出回应，可能会促使你的谈话对象后退并决定：' 好吧，我不会再向你提起 那件事了、该网站提供数十种脚本，以便为让你不知所措的时刻提供话语。"我们都有空白页综合症，" 她说。"我们都不知道该怎么做"。

With that in mind, we asked Dreizen and other experts to share their favorite ways to respond to someone who’s sharing bad news, from the trivial to the unimaginable.
有鉴于此，我们请 Dreizen 和其他专家分享他们最喜欢的应对坏消息的方法，从琐碎的小事到难以想象的事情。

“The disappointment is so real. I’m here to validate that for you.”
"失望是如此真实我是来为你验证这一点的。"

Imagine a friend just told you their vacation plans fell through, and they’re crushed. Your gut reaction might be that it’s a minor concern—it’s not life or death, right? “But we don’t dictate what upsets people,” Dreizen says. “And we don’t know what that vacation would mean to somebody.” 
想象一下，朋友刚刚告诉你他们的度假计划泡汤了，他们很沮丧。你的直觉反应可能是，这只是个小问题，又不是生死攸关的大事，对吧？但我们并不能决定什么会让人不高兴，"Dreizen 说，" 我们也不知道什么会让人不高兴。" 我们不知道那个假期对别人意味着什么。

That’s why she employs the VASE Method, which helps you present your words to someone as though they’re pretty flowers in a vase, she says. The acronym stands for: validate (recognize that their experience is real and true), acknowledge (show that you understand what they’re going through), support (offer to do what you can to lighten their load), and express (tell them how you feel, emphasizing your pride, love, respect, and compassion). In this case, after validating your friend’s disappointment, you might add: “How can I help you pivot a little? What can we do?” Or, you could offer to reach out to the airline and hotels to cancel reservations. “And then tell them how you feel—‘I love you so much and I know this is a bummer, but I’m here for you,’” Dreizen suggests.
这就是她采用 VASE 方法的原因，她说，这种方法可以帮助你把你的话当作花瓶里的漂亮花朵一样展示给别人。这个缩写词的意思是：确认（承认他们的经历是真实的）、承认（表明你理解他们正在经历的事情）、支持（表示愿意尽你所能减轻他们的负担）、表达（告诉他们你的感受，强调你的自豪、爱、尊重和同情）。在这种情况下，在肯定了朋友的失望之后，你可以补充说："我怎样才能帮你稍微转移一下注意力呢？我们能做些什么？或者，你可以主动联系航空公司和酒店取消预订。" 然后告诉他们你的感受 --' 我很爱你，我知道这很糟糕，但我会支持你的 '，"Dreizen 建议道。

“Please remember to just keep breathing. One breath at a time.”
"请记住保持呼吸一次只呼吸一次"

This response works well when someone you love is going through something unfathomable, like pregnancy loss, Dreizen says. “In those horrible moments, you can really forget that you’re a person who still needs to breathe, who still needs water,” she says. “It seems almost goofy to remind somebody just to breathe, but it's also reminding them, it's not just one step in front of another. That's too much. It's one breath after the next, just to get through the next millisecond and then the next one.”
Dreizen 说，当你所爱的人正在经历深不可测的事情时，这种反应就会很有效，比如失孕。"她说：" 在那些可怕的时刻，你真的会忘记自己是一个仍然需要呼吸、仍然需要水的人。她说，"提醒别人呼吸似乎有些愚蠢，但这也是在提醒他们，这不仅仅是一步之遥。那样太累了。这是一次又一次的呼吸，只是为了熬过下一毫秒，再熬过下一毫秒"。

“How is this landing for you?”
"你觉得这着陆怎么样？"

People often ask Christine MacInnis, a therapist in Torrance, Calif., how she seems to always know the exact right words to say. She believes it’s because when someone shares news about a divorce, job loss, or other setback, she first asks how it’s landing for them. “In order to proceed appropriately with the right words of comfort, you need to know how it feels for them,” she says. “Maybe the divorce is a relief, or their job made them miserable.” She remembers comforting a close friend who had just lost her job—and the woman gave her a strange look and said, “I’m not sad at all! I hated that place. I told you so you could introduce me to your friend who works at XYZ company and I could share my resume.” Even therapists, she jokes, can sometimes read the room wrong, which is why gauging someone’s spirits can be so helpful.
人们经常问加利福尼亚州托兰斯的治疗师克里斯蒂娜 - 麦金尼斯（Christine MacInnis），为什么她似乎总能知道说什么才是正确的。她认为，这是因为当有人告诉她离婚、失业或其他挫折的消息时，她首先会询问他们的境况如何。"她说：" 为了用正确的安慰话语进行适当的安慰，你需要知道他们的感受。"也许离婚是一种解脱，或者他们的工作让他们痛苦不堪"。她记得曾安慰过一位刚失业的好友，那位女士用奇怪的眼神看着她说："我一点也不难过！我讨厌那个地方。我告诉你是为了让你把我介绍给你在 XYZ 公司工作的朋友，我也可以分享我的简历"。她开玩笑说，即使是心理医生，有时也会看错房间，这就是为什么衡量一个人的精神状态会如此有帮助。

“You are doing such a good job at being strong and brave, and I wish you didn't have to.”
"你在坚强和勇敢方面做得很好 我希望你不必这样"

When our loved ones experience hardship, we naturally want to protect them. That’s why Dreizen likes this line, or a slight variation: “I am so sorry this is part of your story now.” It’s essentially saying, “I know that you’ve got this, but I wish you didn’t have to,” she says. “It’s holding someone in their vulnerability and saying, ‘I see that you're being strong, but I wish that you could just be vulnerable and soft and lie in a bed.”
当我们所爱的人遇到困难时，我们自然会想要保护他们。这就是为什么德莱泽喜欢这句台词 或者稍加变化 "我很抱歉这是你故事的一部分" 她说："这实质上是在说，我知道你已经得到了这些，但我希望你不必如此。" 她说，" 这是在别人脆弱的时候抱着他们说，' 我看到你很坚强，但我希望你能脆弱一点，柔软一点，躺在床上 '。

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“Remember that rejection is a part of life, and it does not define your worth. Keep pushing forward, a better opportunity is waiting for you.”
"记住，拒绝是生活的一部分，它并不能决定你的价值。继续向前冲，更好的机会在等着你"。

As a recovering perfectionist, Dreizen understands the heartbreak that can be triggered by losing a dream job or promotion. That’s why it’s important to emphasize that professional rejection usually isn’t personal. “Things like that can feel like they’re about you, and they so rarely are,” she says. You could even send your message of support written in a card, along with flowers or a gift card, she adds—and let the other person know you’re there if they need to vent.
作为一个正在康复的完美主义者，Dreizen 深知失去一份梦寐以求的工作或晋升可能会引发的心碎。这就是为什么要强调职业上的拒绝通常不是针对个人的。"她说：" 这样的事情会让人觉得是针对你的，但其实很少是这样。她补充说，你甚至可以把你的支持信息写成卡片，连同鲜花或礼品卡一起寄给对方 -- 让对方知道，如果他们需要发泄，你就在他们身边。

“We will figure this out together.”
"我们一起想办法"

When a work-related issue recently popped up for Dreizen, a friend told her: “We will figure this out together.” “I cried because I was like, ‘I didn’t think that was your problem,’” she recalls. “But we are responsible to each other in that capacity—we get to take care of each other. We don’t have to, but we get to, when we build a community.” Showing someone that they’re not alone can greatly bolster their resilience, she adds.
当德瑞森最近遇到一个与工作有关的问题时 一位朋友告诉她："我们会一起解决的"" 她回忆说："我哭了，因为我当时想，' 我没想到这是你的问题 '。她回忆道，" 但我们彼此都有责任 -- 我们可以互相照顾。我们不必这样做，但当我们建立一个社区时，我们就可以这样做。她补充说，让别人知道他们并不孤单，可以极大地增强他们的复原力。

“This is a lot to handle. Would it help if I helped with [specific task]?"
" 要处理的事情太多了。如果我帮忙完成 [具体任务]，会有帮助吗？

Sometimes people don’t know what they need—or don’t want to ask for it, says Cassandra LeClair, a clinical associate professor of communication at Mays Business School at Texas A&M University, who specializes in communication in relationships. “By offering specific help, you show you’re ready to help,” she points out. Perhaps you could walk your friend’s dog, pick up their groceries, mow their lawn, or assist with an errand. “Make it clear you’re ready and willing, but they’re not obligated to take you up on your offer,” LeClair says. “And if you offer, mean it.”
德克萨斯农工大学梅斯商学院沟通学临床副教授卡桑德拉 - 勒克莱尔（Cassandra LeClair）专门研究人际关系中的沟通，她说，有时人们不知道自己需要什么，或者不想开口。"她指出：" 通过提供具体的帮助，你就表明你已经准备好提供帮助了。她指出，"通过提供具体的帮助，你就表明自己愿意帮忙，" 她说，"也许你可以遛遛朋友的狗、帮他们买菜、修剪草坪，或者帮他们跑跑腿。" 勒克莱尔说："明确表示你已经准备好并愿意，但他们没有义务接受你的提议。" 如果你提出了建议，就要认真对待 "。

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“I promise you, your story is safe with me, and we can move forward however you're comfortable, at your pace.”
"我向你保证，你的故事在我这里是安全的" "我们可以按照你的节奏，以你喜欢的方式继续"

It’s scary to share something that's vulnerable, embarrassing, or potentially shameful, Dreizen emphasizes—and then to feel like that story has traveled to husbands or sisters or mothers. So if a friend discloses something serious to you, like abuse, let them know they have your confidence. Make it clear that “their secrets are safe with you, and they're not going anywhere and aren't going to be fodder in any capacity,” she says. It’s also important to establish that you’re not going to push them on next steps or ask for more details than they’re ready to reveal. “We want to empower the sharer to know that, ‘I’m not going to decide what this means for you,’” Dreizen says. “I’m just here to support you and love you in this moment.”
Dreizen 强调说，分享一些脆弱、尴尬或可能羞于启齿的事情是很可怕的，而且会觉得这个故事已经传到了丈夫、姐妹或母亲的耳朵里。因此，如果朋友向你透露了一些严重的事情，比如虐待，要让他们知道他们得到了你的信任。明确表示 "他们的秘密在你这里是安全的，他们哪儿也不会去，也不会以任何身份成为炮灰"，她说。同样重要的是，要确定你不会催促他们采取下一步行动，也不会在他们准备透露之前询问更多细节。"我们希望让分享者知道，' 我不会决定这对你意味着什么 '，"Dreizen 说。"我只是在这里支持你，在这一刻爱你"。

"I'll check in with you from time to time to let you know I’m thinking about you. You don’t need to respond; I just want you to know that I’m here for you."
"我会不时与你联系，让你知道我在想你。你不需要回应，我只想让你知道我在你身边"。

When Shari Leid was diagnosed with breast cancer, the comments that rolled in ranged from supportive to insensitive. People told her she was a warrior and that she’d fight the disease—both of which were meant to be encouraging but “felt empty.” Others—“Well, you get a free boob job” and “At least they caught it early”—struck her as dismissive.
当莎莉 - 雷德（Shari Leid）被诊断出患有乳腺癌时，人们对她的评论从支持到麻木不一而足。人们告诉她，她是个勇士，她会与病魔抗争 -- 这些话本意是鼓励，但 "感觉很空洞"。还有一些评论 --"好吧，你可以免费隆胸了"、"至少他们发现得早"-- 让她觉得很不屑。

The most meaningful support came from simple, thoughtful check-ins, rather than assumptions about her strength or prognosis, says Leid, a mindset coach in Seattle who’s the host of the podcast Life Unscripted. It was also non-intrusive. Next time someone you love is going through a hard time, let them know you plan to check in, she advises—but remove any pressure to respond, so that they have one less thing to worry about if they’re not up for a conversation.
西雅图的心态教练、播客 Life Unscripted 的主持人莱德说，最有意义的支持来自简单、周到的检查，而不是对她的实力或预后的假设。这也是非侵入性的。她建议说，下次当您所爱的人遇到困难时，让他们知道您打算去探望他们 -- 但不要给他们任何要求他们做出回应的压力，这样如果他们不愿意和您交谈，您就可以少操心一件事了。

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“You don’t need to put on a brave face with me.”
"你不需要在我面前逞强"

It’s important to encourage authenticity, whether you’re talking to someone who’s going through a divorce, grappling with a scary diagnosis, or dealing with an entirely different set of unfortunate news. That’s why Leid likes reminding people that it’s OK to have tough days, and that she’s there to support them without judgment. While it’s fine to send this note via text, calling or video-chatting can help you “see or hear your loved one’s voice,” she says. That way, you have a more accurate sense of how they’re processing the situation—and can follow-up accordingly.
无论你是在与经历离婚的人交谈，还是在与可怕的诊断结果作斗争，抑或是在与完全不同的不幸消息作斗争，鼓励真实都是非常重要的。这就是为什么 Leid 喜欢提醒人们，度过艰难的日子没有关系，她会支持他们，不会评判他们。她说，虽然通过短信发送这样的信息也可以，但打电话或视频聊天可以帮助您 "看到或听到您所爱的人的声音"。这样，您就能更准确地了解他们是如何处理这种情况的 -- 并采取相应的后续行动。