THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE 高效能人士的七个习惯
Stephen Covey has written a remarkable book about the human condition, so elegantly written, so understanding of our embedded concerns, so useful for our organization and personal lives, that it’s going to be my gift to everyone I know. 史蒂芬·柯维写了一本关于人类状况的杰出书籍，文笔优雅，深刻理解我们内心的担忧，对我们的组织和个人生活非常有用，因此这将是我送给我认识的每一个人的礼物。
– Warren Bennis, author of On Becoming a Leader – 沃伦·本尼斯，《成为领导者的艺术》作者
I’ve never known any teacher or mentor on improving personal effectiveness to generate such an Overwhelmingly positive reaction… This book captures beautifully Stephen’s philosophy of principles. I think anyone reading it will quickly understand the enormous reaction I and others have had to Dr.Covey’s teachings. 我从未见过任何老师或导师在提高个人效能方面能引发如此强烈的积极反应……这本书美妙地捕捉了斯蒂芬的原则哲学。我认为任何阅读它的人都会很快理解我和其他人对柯维博士教导的巨大反应。
– John Pepper, President, Procter and Gamble – 约翰·佩珀，主席，宝洁公司
Stephen Covey is an American Socrates, opening your mind to the ‘permanent things’ -values, family, relationships, communicating. 斯蒂芬·柯维是美国的苏格拉底，开启你的思维，关注“永恒的事物”——价值观、家庭、关系、沟通。
– Brian Tracy, author of Psychology of Achievement – 布莱恩·特雷西，《成就心理学》的作者
Stephen R. Covey’s book teaches with power, conviction, and feeling. Both the content and the methodology of these principles form a solid foundation for effective communication. As an educator, I think this book to be a significant addition to my library. 史蒂芬·R·柯维的书以力量、信念和情感进行教学。这些原则的内容和方法论为有效沟通奠定了坚实的基础。作为一名教育工作者，我认为这本书是我图书馆的重要补充。
– William Rolfe Kerr, Utah Commissioner of Higher Education – 威廉·罗尔夫·凯尔，犹他州高等教育专员
Few students of management and organization – and people – have thought as long and hard about first principles as Stephen Covey. In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he offers us an opportunity, not a how-to guide. The opportunity is to explore our impact and ourselves on others, and to do so by taking advantage of his profound insights. It is a wonderful book that could change your life. 很少有管理和组织的学生——以及人——像斯蒂芬·柯维那样深入思考第一原则。在《高效能人士的七个习惯》中，他为我们提供了一个机会，而不是一本操作指南。这个机会是探索我们对他人的影响以及我们自己，并通过利用他深刻的见解来实现。这是一本可以改变你生活的精彩书籍。
– Tom Peters, author of In Search of Excellence – 汤姆·彼得斯，《追求卓越》的作者
The ethical basis for human relations in this book defines a way of life, not just a methodology for succeeding at business. That it works is apparent. 本书中人际关系的伦理基础定义了一种生活方式，而不仅仅是成功于商业的方法论。它的有效性显而易见。
– Bruce L. Christensen, President, Public Broadcasting Service – 布鲁斯·L·克里斯滕森，主席，公共广播服务
At a time when American organizations desperately need to energize people and produce leaders at all levels, Covey provides an empowering philosophy for life that is also the best guarantee of success in business…a perfect blend of wisdom, compassion, and practical experience. 在美国组织迫切需要激励人们并培养各级领导者的时刻，科维提供了一种赋能的生活哲学，这也是商业成功的最佳保证……智慧、同情和实践经验的完美结合。
– Rosabeth Moss Kanter, editor of the Harvard Business Review and author of When Giants Learn to Dance – 罗莎贝斯·莫斯·坎特，哈佛商业评论的编辑和《当巨人学会舞蹈》的作者
I have learned so much from Stephen Covey over the years that every time I sit down to write, I’m worried about subconscious plagiarism! Seven Habits is not pop psychology or trendy self-help. It is solid wisdom and sound principles. 多年来，我从斯蒂芬·柯维那里学到了很多，以至于每次我坐下来写作时，我都担心潜意识抄袭！《高效能人士的七个习惯》不是流行心理学或时尚自助书籍。它是扎实的智慧和可靠的原则。
– Richard M. Eyre, author of Life Balance and Teaching Children Values – 理查德·M·艾尔，书籍《生活平衡》和《教孩子们价值观》的作者
We could do well to make the reading and use of this book a requirement for anyone at any level of public service. It would be far more effective than any legislation regarding ethical conduct. 我们可以要求任何公共服务人员在任何级别上都必须阅读和使用这本书。这比任何关于道德行为的立法要有效得多。
– Senator Jake Garn, first senator in space – 参议员杰克·加恩，首位进入太空的参议员
When Stephen Covey talks, executives listen. – Dun’s Business Month 当斯蒂芬·柯维讲话时，管理者们会倾听。– 邓氏商业月刊
Stephen Covey’s inspirational book will undoubtedly be the psychology handbook of the '90s. The principles discussed are universal and can be applied to every aspect of life. 史蒂芬·柯维的励志书籍无疑将成为 90 年代的心理学手册。讨论的原则是普遍的，可以应用于生活的各个方面。
These principles, however, are like an opera. They cannot simply be performed, they must be rehearsed! 然而，这些原则就像一场歌剧。它们不能仅仅被表演，必须经过排练！
– Ariel Bybee, mezzo-soprano, Metropolitan Opera – Ariel Bybee，中音歌唱家，纽约大都会歌剧院
I found this book stimulating and thought-provoking. In fact, I keep referring to it. 我觉得这本书引人入胜，发人深省。事实上，我一直在参考它。
– Richard M. DeVos, President, Amway – 理查德·M·德沃斯，总裁，安利
Winning is a habit. So is losing. Twenty-five years of experience, thought, and research have convinced Covey that seven habits distinguish the happy, healthy, successful from those who fail or who must sacrifice meaning and happiness for success in the narrow sense. 胜利是一种习惯，失败也是如此。二十五年的经验、思考和研究使科维相信，七个习惯将快乐、健康、成功的人与那些失败或必须为了狭义上的成功而牺牲意义和幸福的人区分开来。
– Ron Zemke, coauthor of The Service Edge and Service America – Ron Zemke，《服务边缘》和《服务美国》的合著者
Stephen R. Covey is a marvelous human being. He writes insightfully and he cares about people.The equivalent of an entire library of success literature is found in this one volume. The principles he teaches in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People have made a real difference in my life. 斯蒂芬·R·柯维是一个了不起的人。他写得很有见地，并且关心他人。这一卷书中包含了整整一个成功文献库的内容。他在《高效能人士的七个习惯》中教授的原则对我的生活产生了真正的影响。
– Ken Blanchard, Ph.D., author of The One-Minute Manager – 肯·布兰查德，博士，《一分钟经理》的作者
The Seven Habits are keys to success for people in all walks of life. It is very thoughtprovoking. 七个习惯是各行各业成功的关键。这非常发人深省。
– Edward A. Brennan, Chairman, President and CEO, Sears, Roebuck and Company – 爱德华·A·布伦南，董事长，总裁兼首席执行官，西尔斯、罗巴克公司
Covey validates the durable truths as they apply to family, business, and society in general, sparing us the psycho-babble that pollutes so much of current literature on human relations. His book is not a photograph, but a process, and should be treated as such. He is neither an optimist nor a pessimist, but a possibilist, who believes that we and we alone can open the door to change within ourselves. There are many more than seven good reasons to read this book. 科维验证了这些持久真理在家庭、商业和社会中的适用性，避免了污染当前人际关系文献的心理术语。他的书不是一张照片，而是一个过程，应该如此对待。他既不是乐观主义者，也不是悲观主义者，而是一个可能主义者，他相信只有我们自己才能打开内心改变的大门。阅读这本书的理由远不止七个。
– Steve Labunski, Executive Director, International Radio and Television Society – 史蒂夫·拉本斯基，执行董事，国际广播电视协会
Knowledge is the quickest and safest path to success in any area of life. Stephen Covey has encapsulated the strategies used by all those who are highly effective. Success can be learned and this book is a highly effective way to learn it. 知识是任何生活领域中通往成功的最快和最安全的途径。斯蒂芬·柯维总结了所有高效能人士所使用的策略。成功是可以学习的，而这本书是学习成功的高效方法。
– Charles Givens, President, Charles J. Givens Organization, Inc., author of Wealth Without Risk – 查尔斯·吉文斯，查尔斯·J·吉文斯组织公司总裁，《无风险财富》作者
I know of no one who has contributed more to helping leaders in our society than Stephen R. Covey… There is no literate person in our society who would not benefit by reading this book and applying its principles 我不知道还有谁比斯蒂芬·R·柯维更能帮助我们社会中的领导者……我们社会中没有一个有文化的人不从阅读这本书和应用其原则中受益。
– Senator Orrin G. Hatch – 参议员奥林·G·哈奇
One of the greatest habits you can develop is to learn and internalize the wisdom of Stephen Covey. He lives what he says and this book can help you live, permanently, in the “Winner’s Circle.” 你可以培养的最伟大的习惯之一就是学习并内化斯蒂芬·柯维的智慧。他践行自己所说的，这本书可以帮助你永久地生活在“赢家圈”中。
– Dr. Denis Waitley, author of The Psychology of Winning – 丹尼斯·韦特利博士，《胜利的心理学》作者
It’s powerful reading. His principles of vision, leadership, and human relations make it a practical teaching tool for business leaders today. I highly recommend it. 这是一本强有力的读物。他的愿景、领导力和人际关系原则使其成为当今商业领袖的实用教学工具。我强烈推荐它。
– Nolan Archibald, President and CEO, Black and Decker – 诺兰·阿基博尔德，黑与德克公司的总裁兼首席执行官
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People suggests a discipline for our personal dealings withpeople which would be undoubtedly valuable if people stopped to think about it. 《高效能人士的七个习惯》建议了一种与人交往的自律，如果人们停下来思考一下，这无疑是有价值的。
– James C. Fletcher, Director, NASA – 詹姆斯·C·弗莱彻，局长，NASA
A wonderful contribution. Dr. Covey has synthesized the habits of our highest achievers and presented them in a powerful, easy-to-use program. We now have a blueprint for opening the American mind. 一个精彩的贡献。科维博士综合了我们最高成就者的习惯，并将其呈现为一个强大且易于使用的程序。我们现在拥有了开启美国思维的蓝图。
– Charles Garfield, author of Peak Performer – 查尔斯·加菲尔德，《巅峰表现》的作者
Seven Habits is an exceptional book. It does a better job of inspiring a person to integrate the different responsibilities in one’s life – personal, family, and professional - than any other book I have read. 《七个习惯》是一本杰出的书。它比我读过的任何其他书籍更能激励人们将生活中的不同责任——个人、家庭和职业——整合在一起。
– Paul H. Thompson, Dean, Marriott School of Management, BYU and author of Novation – 保罗·H·汤普森，BYU 万豪管理学院院长及《创新》一书的作者
Goodbye, Dale Carnegie. Stephen Covey has had a profound influence on my life. His principles are powerful. They work. Buy this book. Read, it, and as you live the principles your life will be enriched. 再见，戴尔·卡耐基。史蒂芬·柯维对我的生活产生了深远的影响。他的原则非常有力。它们有效。买这本书。阅读它，随着你践行这些原则，你的生活将会得到丰富。
– Robert G. Allen, author of Creating Wealth and Nothing Down – 罗伯特·G·艾伦，《创造财富》和《零首付》的作者
In the '90s America needs to unlock the door to increased productivity both on a business and personal basis. The best way to accomplish this goal is through enhancing the human resource. Dr. Covey’s Seven Habits provides the guidelines for this to happen. These principles make great sense and are right on target for the time. 在 90 年代，美国需要打开提高生产力的大门，无论是在商业还是个人层面。实现这一目标的最佳方法是增强人力资源。科维博士的《高效能人士的七个习惯》提供了实现这一目标的指导原则。这些原则非常合理，正符合当时的需求。
– F.G. “Buck” Rodgers, author of The IBM Way – F.G. “Buck” Rodgers，《IBM 之道》的作者
This book is filled with practical wisdom for people who want to take control of their lives, their business and their careers. Each time I read a section again I get new insights, which suggests the messages are fundamental and deep. 这本书充满了实用的智慧，适合那些想要掌控自己生活、事业和职业的人。每次我再次阅读某一部分时，我都会获得新的见解，这表明这些信息是基本而深刻的。
– Gifford Pinchot III, author of Intrapreneuring – 吉福德·平肖三世，《内部创业》一书的作者
Most of my learning has come from modeling after other people and what they do. Steve’s book helps energize this modeling process through highly effective research and examples. 我大部分的学习都是通过模仿其他人及他们的做法而来的。史蒂夫的书通过高效的研究和实例帮助激发这一建模过程。
– Fran Tarkenton, NFL Hall of Fame quarterback – Fran Tarkenton，NFL 名人堂四分卫
Not only does the “character ethic” win hands down every time over the “personality ethic” in the battle of effectiveness, it also will bring greater fulfillment and joy to individuals seeking meaning in their personal and professional lives. “品格伦理”在有效性之战中每次都毫无悬念地胜过“个性伦理”，它还将为寻求个人和职业生活意义的个体带来更大的满足感和快乐。
– Larry Wilson, author of Changing the Game: The New Way to Sell – 拉里·威尔逊，《改变游戏规则：销售的新方式》的作者
Fundamentals are the key to success. Stephen Covey is a master of them. Buy this book, but most importantly, use it! 基础是成功的关键。斯蒂芬·柯维是这方面的高手。买这本书，但最重要的是，使用它！
– Anthony Robbins, author of Unlimited Power – 安东尼·罗宾斯，《无限的力量》作者
This book contains the kind of penetrating truth about human nature that is usually found only in fiction. At the end, you will feel not only that you know Covey, but also that he knows you 这本书包含了关于人性那种深刻的真理，这种真理通常只在小说中才能找到。最后，你会感到不仅你了解科维，他也了解你。
–Orson Scott Card, winner of the Hugo and Nebula Awards –奥森·斯科特·卡德，雨果奖和星云奖得主
Stephen Covey adds great value to any individual or organization, not just through his words. His vision and integrity – his personal example – move people beyond mere success. 史蒂芬·柯维为任何个人或组织增添了巨大的价值，不仅仅通过他的话语。他的愿景和诚信——他的个人榜样——使人们超越了单纯的成功。
– Tom F. Crum, cofounder, The Windstar Foundation, and author of The Magic of Conflict – Tom F. Crum，联合创始人，风星基金会，著作《冲突的魔力》
With all the responsibilities and demands of time, travel, work, and families placed upon us in today’s competitive world, it’s a big plus to have Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People to refer to. 在当今竞争激烈的世界中，面对时间、旅行、工作和家庭带来的种种责任和要求，能够参考斯蒂芬·柯维的《高效能人士的七个习惯》是一个很大的优势。
– Marie Osmond – 玛丽·奥斯蒙德
In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey serves up a seven-course meal on how to take control of one’s life and become the complete, fulfilling person one envisions. It is a satisfying, energetic, step-by-step book that is applicable for personal and business progress. 在《高效能人士的七个习惯》中，斯蒂芬·柯维提供了一顿七道菜的盛宴，讲述如何掌控自己的生活，成为一个完整、充实的人。它是一本令人满意、充满活力的逐步指南，适用于个人和商业进步。
– Roger Staubach, NFL Hall of Fame quarterback – 罗杰·斯陶巴赫，NFL 名人堂四分卫
The conclusions he draws in this book underscore the need to restore the character ethic in our society. This work is a valuable addition to the literature of self-help. 他在这本书中得出的结论强调了在我们社会中恢复品格伦理的必要性。这部作品是自助文学的一个宝贵补充。
– W. Clement Stone, founder, Success Magazine – W. Clement Stone，创始人，《成功杂志》
Stephen Covey’s deliberate integration of life and principles leads to squaring inner thought and outward behavior, resulting in personal as well as public integrity. 斯蒂芬·柯维对生活和原则的深思熟虑的整合，导致内心思想与外在行为的一致，从而实现个人和公共的诚信。
– Gregory J. Newell, U.S. Ambassador to Sweden – 格雷戈里·J·纽厄尔，美国驻瑞典大使
Part One Paradigms and Principles 第一部分 范式与原则
INSIDE OUT 反转人生
There is no real excellence in all this world which can be separated from right living 在这个世界上，没有任何真正的卓越可以与正当的生活分开
– David Starr Jordan – 大卫·斯塔尔·乔丹
In more than 25 years of working with people in business, university, and marriage and family settings, I have come in contact with many individuals who have achieved an incredible degree of outward success, but have found themselves struggling with an inner hunger, a deep need for personal congruency and effectiveness and for healthy, growing relationships with other people. 在超过 25 年的商业、大学以及婚姻和家庭环境中与人们合作的过程中，我接触了许多在外部取得惊人成功的个人，但他们发现自己在内心深处感到饥渴，迫切需要个人的一致性和有效性，以及与他人建立健康、成长的关系。
I suspect some of the problems they have shared with me may be familiar to you. 我怀疑他们与我分享的一些问题对你来说可能是熟悉的。
I’ve set and met my career goals and I’m having tremendous professional success. But it’s cost me my personal and family life. I don’t know my wife and children anymore. I’m not even sure I know myself and what’s really important to me. I’ve had to ask myself – is it worth it? 我设定并达成了我的职业目标，取得了巨大的职业成功。但这让我失去了个人和家庭生活。我不再认识我的妻子和孩子。我甚至不确定我是否了解自己，以及对我来说真正重要的是什么。我不得不问自己——这值得吗？
I’ve started a new diet – for the fifth time this year. I know I’m overweight, and I really want to change. I read all the new information, I set goals, I get myself all psyched up with a positive mental attitude and tell myself I can do it. But I don’t. After a few weeks, I fizzle. I just can’t seem to keep a promise I make to myself. 我开始了一种新的饮食计划——这是我今年的第五次。我知道我超重，我真的想改变。我阅读所有的新信息，设定目标，给自己打气，保持积极的心态，告诉自己我可以做到。但我做不到。几周后，我就失去了动力。我似乎无法坚持对自己做出的承诺。
I’ve taken course after course on effective management training. I expect a lot out of my employees and I work hard to be friendly toward them and to treat them right. But I don’t feel any loyalty from them. I think if I were home sick for a day, they’d spend most of their time gabbing at the water fountain. Why can’t I train them to be independent and responsible – or find employees who can be? 我参加了许多关于有效管理培训的课程。我对我的员工期望很高，并努力对他们友好，公正地对待他们。但我并没有感受到他们的忠诚。我觉得如果我在家生病一天，他们大部分时间会在饮水机旁闲聊。为什么我不能训练他们变得独立和负责任——或者找到能够做到的员工呢？
My teenage son is rebellious and on drugs. No matter what I try, he won’t listen to me. What can I do? 我十几岁的儿子叛逆并且吸毒。无论我怎么尝试，他都不听我说的话。我该怎么办？
There’s so much to do. And there’s never enough time. I feel pressured and hassled all day, every day, seven days a week. I’ve attended time management seminars and I’ve tried half a dozen different planning systems. They’ve helped some, but I still don’t feel I’m living the happy, productive, peaceful life I want to live. 有太多事情要做。而且时间总是不够。我每天都感到压力和烦恼，一周七天。我参加过时间管理研讨会，也尝试过半打不同的规划系统。它们有些帮助，但我仍然觉得自己没有过上我想要的快乐、高效、平静的生活。
I want to teach my children the value of work. But to get them to do anything, I have to supervise every move; and put up with complaining every step of the way. It’s so much easier to do it myself. Why can’t children do their work cheerfully and without being reminded? 我想教我的孩子们工作的价值。但要让他们做任何事情，我必须监督每一个动作；并且在每一步都要忍受抱怨。自己做要容易得多。为什么孩子们不能愉快地完成他们的工作，而不需要被提醒呢？
I’m busy – really busy. But sometimes I wonder if what I’m doing will make a difference in the long run. I’d really like to think there was meaning in my life, that somehow things were different because I was here. I see my friends or relatives achieve some degree of success or receive some recognition, and I smile and congratulate them enthusiastically. But inside, I’m eating my heart out. Why do I feel this way? 我很忙——真的很忙。但有时我在想，我所做的事情是否会在长远中产生影响。我真的希望我的生活有意义，某种程度上因为我在这里，事情有所不同。我看到我的朋友或亲戚取得了一定的成功或获得了一些认可，我微笑着热情地祝贺他们。但在内心深处，我却在心痛。我为什么会有这样的感觉？
I have a forceful personality. I know, in almost any interaction, I can control the outcome. Most of the time, I can even do it by influencing others to come up with the solution I want. I think through each situation and I really feel the ideas I come up with are usually the best for everyone. But I feel uneasy. I always wonder what other people really think of me and my ideas. 我有一个强势的个性。我知道，在几乎任何互动中，我都可以控制结果。大多数时候，我甚至可以通过影响他人来让他们提出我想要的解决方案。我会思考每个情况，我真的觉得我想出的想法通常对每个人都是最好的。但我感到不安。我总是想知道其他人对我和我的想法到底是怎么想的。
My marriage has gone flat. We don’t fight or anything; we just don’t love each other anymore. We’ve gone to counseling; we’ve tried a number of things, but we just can’t seem to rekindle the feeling we used to have. 我的婚姻变得平淡无奇。我们不争吵，也没有其他问题；我们只是不再相爱了。我们去过咨询；尝试过很多方法，但似乎就是无法重新点燃我们曾经拥有的感觉。
These are deep problems, painful problems – problems that quick fix approaches can’t solve. A few years ago, my wife Sandra and I were struggling with this kind of concern. One of our sons was having a very difficult time in school. He was doing poorly academically; he didn’t even know how to follow the instructions on the tests, let alone do well in them. Socially he was immature, often embarrassing those closest to him. Athletically, he was small, skinny, and uncoordinated – swinging his baseball bat, for example, almost before the ball was even pitched. Others would laugh at him. 这些是深层次的问题，痛苦的问题——快速解决的方法无法解决的问题。几年前，我的妻子桑德拉和我正在为这种担忧而苦恼。我们的一个儿子在学校遇到了很大的困难。他的学业表现不佳；他甚至不知道如何按照测试上的指示进行，更不用说在测试中表现良好了。在社交方面，他不成熟，常常让身边的人感到尴尬。在体育方面，他个子小，瘦弱，协调性差——例如，他几乎在球投出之前就挥动棒球棒。其他人会嘲笑他。
Sandra and I were consumed with a desire to help him. We felt that if “success” were important in any area of life, it was supremely important in our role as parents. So we worked on our attitudes and behavior toward him and we tried to work on his. We attempted to psyche him up using positive mental attitude techniques. “Come on, son! You can do it! We know you can. Put your hands a little higher on the bat and keep your eye on the ball. Don’t swing till it gets close to you.” And if he did a little better, we would go to great lengths to reinforce him. “That’s good, son, keep it up.” 桑德拉和我充满了帮助他的渴望。我们觉得，如果“成功”在生活的任何领域都重要，那么在我们作为父母的角色中，它就显得尤为重要。因此，我们努力改善对他的态度和行为，并试图改善他的态度。我们尝试使用积极的心理态度技巧来激励他。“来吧，儿子！你可以做到的！我们知道你可以。把手放得高一点，盯着球。等球靠近你再挥杆。”如果他表现得稍微好一点，我们会不遗余力地给予他鼓励。“很好，儿子，继续保持。”
When others laughed, we reprimanded them. “Leave him alone. Get off his back. He’s just learning.” And our son would cry and insist that he’d never be any good and that he didn’t like baseball anyway. 当其他人嘲笑时，我们责备他们。“别打扰他。别纠缠他。他只是正在学习。”我们的儿子会哭泣，并坚持说他永远不会有任何好处，而且他根本不喜欢棒球。
Nothing we did seemed to help, and we were really worried. We could see the effect this was having on his self-esteem. We tried to be encouraging and helpful and positive, but after repeated failure, we finally drew back and tried to look at the situation on a different level. 我们所做的似乎没有任何帮助，我们真的很担心。我们可以看到这对他的自尊心产生的影响。我们试图给予鼓励、帮助和积极的支持，但经过多次失败后，我们最终退后一步，试图从不同的角度看待这个情况。
At this time in my professional role I was involved in leadership development work with various clients throughout the country. In that capacity I was preparing bimonthly programs on the subject of communication and perception for IBM’s Executive Development Program participants. 在我职业角色的这个时期，我参与了与全国各地各种客户的领导力发展工作。在这个角色中，我为 IBM 的高管发展项目参与者准备了关于沟通和感知的双月计划。
As I researched and prepared these presentations, I became particularly interested in how perceptions are formed, how they behave. This led me to a study of expectancy theory and self-fulfilling prophecies or the “Pygmalion effect,” and to a realization of how deeply imbedded our perceptions are. It taught me that we must look at the lens through which we see the world, as well as at the world we see, and that the lens itself shapes how we interpret the world. 在我研究和准备这些演示文稿时，我对感知是如何形成的、它们是如何运作的产生了特别的兴趣。这使我开始研究期望理论和自我实现的预言或“皮格马利翁效应”，并意识到我们的感知是多么根深蒂固。它让我明白，我们必须关注我们看待世界的视角，以及我们所看到的世界，而这个视角本身塑造了我们如何解读世界。
As Sandra and I talked about the concepts I was teaching at IBM and about our own situation, we began to realize that what we were doing to help our son was not in harmony with the way we really saw him. When we honestly examined our deepest feelings, we realized that our perception was that he was basically inadequate, somehow “behind.” No matter how much we worked on our attitude and behavior, our efforts were 当桑德拉和我谈论我在 IBM 教授的概念以及我们自己的情况时，我们开始意识到我们为帮助儿子所做的事情与我们真正看待他的方式并不一致。当我们诚实地审视自己内心深处的感受时，我们意识到我们的看法是他基本上是不够的，在某种程度上“落后”。无论我们多么努力地改善我们的态度和行为，我们的努力都是
ineffective because, despite our actions and our words, what we really communicated to him was, “You aren’t capable. You have to be protected.” 无效，因为尽管我们的行动和言辞，我们真正传达给他的却是：“你不够能力。你需要被保护。”
We began to realize that if we wanted to change the situation, we first had to change ourselves. And to change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions. 我们开始意识到，如果我们想要改变现状，首先必须改变自己。而要有效地改变自己，我们首先必须改变我们的认知。
The Personality and Character Ethics 个性与品德伦理
At the same time, in addition to my research on perception, I was also deeply immersed in an in-depth study of the success literature published in the United States since 1776. I was reading or scanning literally hundreds of books, articles, and essays in fields such as self-improvement, popular psychology, and self-help. At my fingertips was the sum and substance of what a free and democratic people considered to be the keys to successful living. 与此同时，除了我对感知的研究外，我还深入研究了自 1776 年以来在美国出版的成功文献。我阅读或浏览了数百本书籍、文章和论文，涉及自我提升、流行心理学和自助等领域。自由和民主的人民认为成功生活的关键的总和和实质就在我手边。
As my study took me back through 200 years of writing about success, I noticed a startling pattern emerging in the content of the literature. Because of our own pain, and because of similar pain I had seen in the lives and relationships of many people I had worked with through the years, I began to feel more and more that much of the success literature of the past 50 years was superficial. It was filled with social image consciousness, techniques and quick fixes – with social band-aids and aspirin that addressed acute problems and sometimes even appeared to solve them temporarily – but left the underlying chronic problems untouched to fester and resurface time and again. 随着我的研究让我回顾了 200 年来关于成功的写作，我注意到文献内容中出现了一个惊人的模式。由于我们自己的痛苦，以及我在多年来与许多人合作中看到的类似痛苦，我越来越觉得过去 50 年的许多成功文献都是肤浅的。它充满了社会形象意识、技巧和快速解决方案——用社会创可贴和阿司匹林来应对急性问题，有时甚至看似暂时解决了这些问题——但却让潜在的慢性问题未被触及，继续滋生并一次又一次地重新出现。
In stark contrast, almost all the literature in the first 150 years or so focused on what could be called the character ethic as the foundation of success – things like integrity, humility, fidelity, temperance, courage, justice, patience, industry, simplicity, modesty, and the Golden Rule. Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography is representative of that literature. It is, basically, the story of one man’s effort to integrate certain principles and habits deep within his nature. 与此形成鲜明对比的是，几乎所有在前 150 年左右的文献都集中于可以称之为品格伦理的成功基础——诸如诚信、谦逊、忠诚、节制、勇气、正义、耐心、勤奋、简单、谦虚和黄金法则等。本杰明·富兰克林的自传就是这类文献的代表。它基本上是一个人努力将某些原则和习惯深深融入其本性中的故事。
The character ethic taught that there are basic principles of effective living, and that people can only experience true success and enduring happiness as they learn and integrate these principles into their basic character. 品格伦理教导我们，有效生活的基本原则，人们只有在学习并将这些原则融入其基本品格中时，才能体验到真正的成功和持久的幸福。
But shortly after World War I the basic view of success shifted from the character ethic to what we might call the personality ethic. Success became more a function of personality, of public image, of attitudes and behaviors, skills and techniques, that lubricate the processes of human interaction. This personality ethic essentially took two paths: one was human and public relations techniques, and the other was positive mental attitude (PMA). Some of this philosophy was expressed in inspiring and sometimes valid maxims such as “Your attitude determines your altitude,” “Smiling wins more friends than frowning,” and "Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe it can achieve. 但在第一次世界大战后，成功的基本观念从品格伦理转向了我们可以称之为个性伦理的东西。成功更多地成为个性、公众形象、态度和行为、技能和技巧的函数，这些因素润滑了人际互动的过程。这种个性伦理基本上走上了两条道路：一条是人际和公共关系技巧，另一条是积极心态（PMA）。这种哲学的一些观点以鼓舞人心且有时有效的格言表达出来，例如“你的态度决定你的高度”、“微笑赢得的朋友比皱眉多”，以及“人类的思想能够构思和相信的，便能够实现。”
Other parts of the personality approach were clearly manipulative, even deceptive, encouraging people to use techniques to get other people to like them, or to fake interest in the hobbies of others to get out of them what they wanted, or to use the “power look,” or to intimidate their way through life. 人格方法的其他部分显然是操控性的，甚至是欺骗性的，鼓励人们使用技巧让其他人喜欢他们，或者假装对他人的爱好感兴趣以从中获取他们想要的东西，或者使用“权力外观”，或者通过恐吓来应对生活。
Some of this literature acknowledged character as an ingredient of success, but tended to compartmentalize it rather than recognize it as foundational and catalytic. Reference to the character ethic became mostly lip service; the basic thrust was quick-fix influence techniques, power strategies, communication skills, and positive attitudes. 一些文献承认品格是成功的一个要素，但往往将其划分为不同的部分，而不是将其视为基础和催化剂。对品格伦理的提及大多只是口头上的承诺；基本的重点是快速解决的影响技巧、权力策略、沟通技巧和积极态度。
This personality ethic, I began to realize, was the subconscious source of the solutions Sandra and I were attempting to use with our son. As I thought more deeply about the difference between the personality and character ethics, I realized that Sandra and I had been getting social mileage out of our children’s good behavior, and, in our eyes, this son simply didn’t measure up. Our image of ourselves, and our role as good, caring parents was even deeper than our image of our son and perhaps influenced it. There was a lot more wrapped up in the way we were seeing and handling the problem than our concern for our son’s welfare. 这种人格伦理，我开始意识到，是我和桑德拉试图用来解决与我们儿子问题的潜意识来源。当我更深入地思考人格伦理和品格伦理之间的区别时，我意识到桑德拉和我一直在利用我们孩子的良好行为来获得社交上的好处，而在我们看来，这个儿子根本不够格。我们对自己的形象，以及作为好、关心的父母的角色，甚至比我们对儿子的形象更深刻，或许还影响了它。我们看待和处理这个问题的方式中，包裹着的东西远不止我们对儿子福祉的关心。
As Sandra and I talked, we became painfully aware of the powerful influence of our character and motives and of our perception of him. We knew that social comparison motives were out of harmony with our deeper values and could lead to conditional love and eventually to our son’s lessened sense of self-worth. So we determined to focus our efforts on us – not on our techniques, but on our deepest motives and our perception of him. Instead of trying to change him, we tried to stand apart – to separate us from him -and to sense his identity, individuality, separateness, and worth. 当桑德拉和我交谈时，我们痛苦地意识到我们性格和动机的强大影响，以及我们对他的看法。我们知道，社会比较动机与我们更深层的价值观不和谐，可能导致有条件的爱，最终使我们儿子的自我价值感减弱。因此，我们决定将精力集中在我们自己身上——不是在我们的技巧上，而是在我们最深层的动机和我们对他的看法上。我们不是试图改变他，而是试图保持距离——将我们与他分开——感知他的身份、个性、独立性和价值。
Through deep thought and the exercise of faith and prayer, we began to see our son in terms of his own uniqueness. We saw within him layers and layers of potential that would be realized at his own pace and speed. We decided to relax and get out of his way and let his own personality emerge. We saw our natural role as being to affirm, enjoy, and value him. We also conscientiously worked on our motives and cultivated internal sources of security so that our own feelings of worth were not dependent on our children’s “acceptable” behavior. 通过深思熟虑以及信仰和祈祷的实践，我们开始以他独特的角度来看待我们的儿子。我们在他身上看到了层层叠叠的潜力，这些潜力将以他自己的节奏和速度得以实现。我们决定放松心态，给他空间，让他自己的个性得以展现。我们认为自己的自然角色是肯定、享受和珍视他。我们还认真地审视自己的动机，培养内心的安全感，以便我们的自我价值感不依赖于孩子们“可接受”的行为。
As we loosened up our old perception of our son and developed value-based motives, new feelings began to emerge. We found ourselves enjoying him instead of comparing or judging him. We stopped trying to clone him in our own image or measure him against social expectations. We stopped trying to kindly, positively manipulate him into an acceptable social mold. Because we saw him as fundamentally adequate and able to cope with life, we stopped protecting him against the ridicule of others. 随着我们放宽对儿子的旧看法，发展基于价值的动机，新情感开始涌现。我们发现自己开始享受与他的相处，而不是进行比较或评判。我们不再试图将他克隆成我们心目中的样子，也不再用社会期望来衡量他。我们停止了试图善意、积极地将他操控成一个可接受的社会模子。因为我们认为他在根本上是足够的，能够应对生活，所以我们不再保护他免受他人的嘲笑。
He had been nurtured on this protection, so he went through some withdrawal pains, which he expressed and which we accepted, but did not necessarily respond to. “We don’t need to protect you,” was the unspoken message. “You’re fundamentally okay.” 他一直在这种保护下成长，因此经历了一些戒断痛苦，他表达了这些痛苦，我们也接受了，但不一定做出回应。“我们不需要保护你，”这是未说出口的信息。“你本质上是好的。”
As the weeks and months passed, he began to feel a quiet confidence and affirmed himself. He began to blossom, at his own pace and speed. He became outstanding as measured by standard social criteria – academically, socially and athletically – at a rapid clip, far beyond the so-called natural developmental process. As the years passed, he was elected to several student body leadership positions, developed into an all-state athlete and started bringing home straight A report cards. He developed an engaging and guileless personality that has enabled him to relate in nonthreatening ways to all kinds of people. 随着周和月的推移，他开始感到一种安静的自信，并肯定自己。他开始以自己的节奏和速度绽放。他在标准的社会标准下表现出色——在学业、社交和体育方面——进展迅速，远远超出了所谓的自然发展过程。随着岁月的流逝，他被选为多个学生会领导职位，发展成为全州运动员，并开始带回全 A 的成绩单。他培养了一个迷人而天真的个性，使他能够以非威胁的方式与各种人建立联系。
Sandra and I believe that our son’s “socially impressive” accomplishments were more a serendipitous expression of the feelings he had about himself than merely a response to social reward. This was an amazing experience for Sandra and me, and a very instructional one in dealing with our other children and in other roles as well. It brought to our awareness on a very personal level the vital difference between the personality ethic and the character ethic of success. The Psalmist expressed our conviction well: “Search your own heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life.” 桑德拉和我相信，我们儿子“社会上令人印象深刻”的成就更多是他对自己感受的偶然表达，而不仅仅是对社会奖励的反应。这对桑德拉和我来说是一次惊人的经历，也是一个在处理其他孩子和其他角色时非常有教育意义的经历。它让我们在个人层面上意识到成功的个性伦理和品格伦理之间的重大区别。诗篇作者很好地表达了我们的信念：“要尽心尽力地查验自己的心，因为生命的源头都在其中。”
Primary and Secondary Greatness 主要和次要伟大
My experience with my son, my study of perception and my reading of the success literature coalesced to create one of those “Aha!” experiences in life when suddenly things click into place. I was suddenly able to see the powerful impact of the personality ethic and to clearly understand those subtle, often consciously unidentified discrepancies between what I knew to be true – some things I had been taught many years ago as a child and things that were deep in my own inner sense of value – and the quick fix philosophies that surrounded me every day. I understood at a deeper level why, as I had worked through the years with people from all walks of life, I had found that the things I was teaching and knew to be effective were often at variance with these popular voices. 我与我儿子的经历、我对感知的研究以及我对成功文献的阅读汇聚在一起，创造了生活中那种“啊哈！”的体验，当一切突然变得清晰。我突然能够看到人格伦理的强大影响，并清楚地理解那些微妙的、常常是自觉未识别的差异，这些差异在我所知道的真理之间——一些我在孩提时代许多年前被教导的事情，以及那些深藏在我内心价值观中的东西——与每天环绕我的快速解决哲学之间。我在更深层次上理解了为什么，在多年来与各行各业的人们合作时，我发现我所教授的、我知道有效的东西常常与这些流行的声音相悖。
I am not suggesting that elements of the personality ethic – personality growth, communication skill training, and education in the field of influence strategies and positive thinking – are not beneficial, in fact sometimes essential for success. I believe they are. But these are secondary, not primary traits. Perhaps, in utilizing our human capacity to build on the foundation of generations before us, we have inadvertently become so focused on our own building that we have forgotten the foundation that holds it up; or in reaping for so long where we have not sown, perhaps we have forgotten the need to sow. 我并不是说人格伦理的元素——人格成长、沟通技巧培训以及影响策略和积极思维领域的教育——没有益处，实际上，有时这些对成功是必不可少的。我相信它们是有益的。但这些是次要的，而不是主要特征。也许，在利用我们的人类能力建立在前人基础之上时，我们不经意间过于专注于自己的建设，以至于忘记了支撑它的基础；或者在长时间收获未播种的地方，也许我们忘记了播种的必要。
If I try to use human influence strategies and tactics of how to get other people to do what I want, to work better, to be more motivated, to like me and each other – while my character is fundamentally flawed, marked by duplicity and insincerity – then, in the long run, I cannot be successful. My duplicity will breed distrust, and everything I do -even using so-called good human relations techniques – will be perceived as manipulative. It simply makes no difference how good the rhetoric is or even how good the intentions are; if there is little or no trust, there is no foundation for permanent success. Only basic goodness gives life to technique. 如果我试图使用人际影响策略和战术，让其他人做我想要的事情，工作更好，更有动力，喜欢我和彼此——而我的性格根本上是有缺陷的，充满了虚伪和不真诚——那么，从长远来看，我无法成功。我的虚伪会滋生不信任，我所做的一切——即使是使用所谓的良好人际关系技巧——也会被视为操控。无论修辞多么出色，甚至意图多么良好，都无关紧要；如果几乎没有信任，就没有持久成功的基础。只有基本的善良才能赋予技巧以生命。
To focus on technique is like cramming your way through school. You sometimes get by, perhaps even get good grades, but if you don’t pay the price day in and day out, you never achieve true mastery of the subjects you study or develop an educated mind. 专注于技巧就像是在学校里死记硬背。你有时能勉强过关，甚至获得好成绩，但如果你不每天付出代价，你永远无法真正掌握你所学习的科目或培养出有知识的头脑。
Did you ever consider how ridiculous it would be to try to cram on a farm – to forget to plant in the spring, play all summer and then cram in the fall to bring in the harvest? The farm is a natural system. The price must be paid and the process followed. You always reap what you sow; there is no shortcut. 你有没有想过在农场上死记硬背是多么荒谬——春天忘记播种，夏天玩乐，然后在秋天拼命收获？农场是一个自然系统。必须付出代价并遵循过程。你总是收获你所播种的；没有捷径可走。
This principle is also true, ultimately, in human behavior, in human relationships. They, too, are natural systems based on the The Law of the Harvest. In the short run, in an artificial social system such as school, you may be able to get by if you learn how to manipulate the man-made rules, to “play the game.” In most one-shot or short-lived human interactions, you can use the personality ethic to get by and to make favorable impressions through charm and skill and pretending to be interested in other people’s hobbies. You can pick up quick, easy techniques that may work in short-term situations. But secondary traits alone have no permanent worth in long-term relationships. Eventually, if there isn’t deep integrity and fundamental character strength, the challenges of life will cause true motives to surface and human relationship failure will replace short-term success. 这个原则在人的行为和人际关系中也是成立的。它们同样是基于收获法则的自然系统。在短期内，在像学校这样的人工社会系统中，如果你学会如何操控人造规则，去“玩游戏”，你可能能够应付过去。在大多数一次性或短暂的人际互动中，你可以利用人格伦理来应付，通过魅力和技巧以及假装对他人的爱好感兴趣来留下良好的印象。你可以掌握一些快速、简单的技巧，这些技巧可能在短期情况下有效。但仅靠次要特征在长期关系中没有永久的价值。最终，如果没有深厚的诚信和基本的性格力量，生活的挑战将使真实动机浮出水面，人际关系的失败将取代短期的成功。
Many people with secondary greatness – that is, social recognition for their talents – lack primary greatness or goodness in their character. Sooner or later, you’ll see this in every 许多具有次要伟大的人——也就是说，因其才能而获得社会认可——在性格上缺乏主要伟大或善良。迟早，你会在每个人身上看到这一点。
long-term relationship they have, whether it is with a business associate, a spouse, a friend, or a teenage child going through an identity crisis. It is character that communicates most eloquently. As Emerson once put it, “What you are shouts so loudly in my ears that I cannot hear what you say.” 他们之间的长期关系，无论是与商业伙伴、配偶、朋友，还是正在经历身份危机的青少年子女。是品格最为有力地传达信息。正如爱默生所说：“你是什么在我耳边大声呐喊，以至于我听不见你所说的话。”
There are, of course, situations where people have character strength but they lack communication skills, and that undoubtedly affects the quality of relationships as well. But the effects are still secondary. 当然，有些情况下，人们具备性格力量，但缺乏沟通技巧，这无疑也会影响关系的质量。但这些影响仍然是次要的。
In the last analysis, what we are communicates far more eloquently than anything we say or do. We all know it. There are people we trust absolutely because we know their character. Whether they’re eloquent or not, whether they have the human relations techniques or not, we trust them, and we work successfully with them. In the words of William George Jordan, “Into the hands of every individual is given a marvelous power for good or evil – the silent unconscious, unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of what man really is, not what he pretends to be.” 在最后的分析中，我们所传达的比我们所说或所做的任何事情都更有说服力。我们都知道这一点。有些人我们绝对信任，因为我们了解他们的品格。无论他们是否口才出众，是否具有人际关系技巧，我们都信任他们，并与他们成功合作。用威廉·乔治·乔丹的话说：“每个人的手中都赋予了一种奇妙的善恶力量——他生活中无声的、无意识的、看不见的影响。这只是人真正的本质的持续辐射，而不是他假装的样子。”
The Power of a Paradigm 范式的力量
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People embody many of the fundamental principles of human effectiveness. These habits are basic; they are primary. They represent the internalization of correct principles upon which enduring happiness and success are based. 《高效能人士的七个习惯》体现了许多人类效能的基本原则。这些习惯是基础的；它们是首要的。它们代表了对正确原则的内化，这些原则是持久幸福和成功的基础。
But before we can really understand these Seven Habits TM, we need to understand our own “paradigms” and how to make a “A Paradigm Shift TM.” 但在我们真正理解这七个习惯 TM 之前，我们需要理解我们自己的“范式”和如何进行“范式转变 TM”。
Both the The Character Ethic The Personality Ethic are examples of social paradigms. The word paradigm comes from the Greek. It was originally a scientific term, and is more commonly used today to mean a model, theory, perception, assumption, or frame of reference. In the more general sense, it’s the way we “see” the world – not in terms of our visual sense of sight, but in terms of perceiving, understanding, and interpreting. 《品格伦理》和《人格伦理》都是社会范式的例子。范式一词源于希腊语。它最初是一个科学术语，今天更常用来指代模型、理论、认知、假设或参考框架。从更一般的意义上说，它是我们“看待”世界的方式——不是通过我们的视觉感知，而是通过感知、理解和解释。
For our purposes, a simple way to understand paradigms is to see them as maps. We all know that “the map is not the territory.” A map is simply an explanation of certain aspects of the territory. That’s exactly what a paradigm is. It is a theory, an explanation, or model of something else. 对于我们的目的，理解范式的一个简单方法是将其视为地图。我们都知道“地图不是领土。”地图只是对领土某些方面的解释。这正是范式的定义。它是一种理论、解释或其他事物的模型。
Suppose you wanted to arrive at a specific location in central Chicago. A street map of the city would be a great help to you in reaching your destination. But suppose you were given the wrong map. Through a printing error, the map labeled “Chicago” was actually a map of Detroit. Can you imagine the frustration, the ineffectiveness of trying to reach your destination? 假设你想到达芝加哥市中心的一个特定地点。一张城市街道地图将对你到达目的地大有帮助。但假设你拿到了一张错误的地图。由于印刷错误，标记为“Chicago”的地图实际上是底特律的地图。你能想象那种沮丧和试图到达目的地的无效吗？
You might work on your behavior – you could try harder, being more diligent, doubling your speed. But your efforts would only succeed in getting you to the wrong place faster. 你可能需要改善你的行为——你可以更加努力，更加勤奋，加快你的速度。但你的努力只会让你更快地到达错误的地方。
You might work on your attitude – you could think more positively. You still wouldn’t get to the right place, but perhaps you wouldn’t care. Your attitude would be so positive, you’d be happy wherever you were. The point is, you’d still be lost. The fundamental problem has nothing to do with your behavior or your attitude. It has everything to do with having a wrong map. 你可能需要改善你的态度——你可以更积极地思考。你仍然无法到达正确的地方，但也许你不会在意。你的态度会如此积极，无论你在哪里你都会感到快乐。关键是，你仍然会迷失。根本问题与您的行为或态度无关。它与拥有错误的地图有很大关系。
If you have the right map of Chicago, then diligence becomes important, and when you encounter frustrating obstacles along the way, then attitude can make a real difference. But the first and most important requirement is the accuracy of the map. 如果你拥有正确的芝加哥地图，那么勤奋就变得重要，当你在途中遇到令人沮丧的障碍时，态度可以产生真正的影响。但首要且最重要的要求是地图的准确性。
Each of us has many, many maps in our head, which can be divided into two main categories: maps of the way things are, or realities, and maps of the way things should be, or values. We interpret everything we experience through these mental maps. We seldom question their accuracy; we’re usually even unaware that we have them. We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be. 我们每个人脑中都有许多地图，这些地图可以分为两大类：现实的地图和价值观的地图。我们通过这些心理地图来解读我们所经历的一切。我们很少质疑它们的准确性；通常甚至没有意识到我们拥有这些地图。我们只是简单地假设我们看待事物的方式就是事物的真实状态或应该的状态。
And our attitudes and behaviors grow out of those assumptions. The way we see things is the source of the way we think and the way we act. Before going any further, I invite you to have an intellectual and emotional experience. Take a few seconds and just look at the picture on the following page 我们的态度和行为源于这些假设。我们看待事物的方式是我们思考和行动方式的源泉。在进一步之前，我邀请你进行一次智力和情感的体验。花几秒钟时间，看看下一页的图片。
Now look at the picture below and carefully describe what you see Do you see a woman? How old would you say she is? What does she look like? What is she wearing? In what kind of roles do you see her? You probably would describe the woman in the second picture to be about 25 years old – very lovely, rather fashionable with a petite nose and demure presence. If you were a single man you might like to take her out. If you were in retailing, you might hire her as a fashion model. 现在看看下面的图片，仔细描述你所看到的。你看到一个女人吗？你认为她多大年纪？她长什么样？她穿着什么？你觉得她适合什么样的角色？你可能会描述第二张图片中的女人大约 25 岁——非常可爱，相当时尚，鼻子小巧，举止端庄。如果你是单身男性，你可能想约她出去。如果你从事零售业，你可能会雇她作为时尚模特。
But what if I were to tell you that you’re wrong? What if I said this picture is of a woman in her 60s or 70s who looks sad, has a huge nose, and certainly is no model. She’s someone you probably would help cross the street. 但如果我告诉你你错了呢？如果我说这张照片是一个 60 或 70 岁，看起来很伤心，鼻子很大的女人，她肯定不是模特。她是一个你可能会帮助过马路的人。
Who’s right? Look at the picture again. Can you see the old woman? If you can’t, keep trying. Can you see her big hook nose? Her shawl? 谁是对的？再看看这张图片。你能看到那个老妇人吗？如果看不到，继续尝试。你能看到她的大钩鼻吗？她的披肩吗？
If you and I were talking face to face, we could discuss the picture. You could describe what you see to me, and I could talk to you about what I see. We could continue to communicate until you clearly showed me what you see in the picture and I clearly showed you what I see. 如果你我面对面交谈，我们可以讨论这幅画。你可以向我描述你所看到的，我也可以告诉你我所看到的。我们可以继续交流，直到你清楚地向我展示你在画中看到的，而我清楚地向你展示我看到的。
Because we can’t do that, turn to page 45 and study the picture there and then look at this picture again. Can you see the old woman now? It’s important that you see her before you continue reading. 因为我们不能这样做，请翻到第 45 页，研究那里的图片，然后再看看这张图片。你现在能看到那个老妇人吗？在继续阅读之前，看到她是很重要的。
I first encountered this exercise many years ago at the Harvard Business School. The instructor was using it to demonstrate clearly and eloquently that two people can see the same thing, disagree, and yet both be right. It’s not logical; it’s psychological. 我第一次在哈佛商学院遇到这个练习是在许多年前。讲师用它清晰而有力地演示了两个人可以看到同样的事物，意见不合，但两者都可以是正确的。这不是逻辑问题；这是心理问题。
He brought into the room a stack of large cards, half of which had the image of the young woman you saw on page 25 , and the other half of which had the old woman on page 45. 他带进房间一叠大卡片，其中一半是你在第 25 页看到的年轻女性的图像，另一半是第 45 页的老妇人的图像。
He passed them out to the class, the picture of the young woman to one side of the room and the picture of the old woman to the other. He asked us to look at the cards, concentrate on them for about 10 seconds and then pass them back in. He then projected upon the screen the picture you saw on page 26 combining both images and asked the class to describe what they saw. Almost every person in that class who had first seen the young woman’s image on a card saw the young woman in the picture. And almost every person in that class who had first seen the old woman’s image on a card saw an old woman in the picture. 他把它们分发给班级，一侧是年轻女性的照片，另一侧是老年女性的照片。他让我们看这些卡片，集中注意力大约 10 秒钟，然后再把它们交回去。然后他在屏幕上投影出你在第 26 页看到的图片，结合了这两幅图像，并要求班级描述他们所看到的几乎每一个人。在那个班级中，几乎每一个第一次看到年轻女性图像的人在图片中看到了年轻女性。而几乎每一个第一次看到老年女性图像的人在图片中看到了老年女性。
The professor then asked one student to explain what he saw to a student on the opposite side of the room. As they talked back and forth, communication problems flared up. 教授随后让一名学生向房间另一侧的学生解释他所看到的内容。在他们来回交谈时，沟通问题浮现出来。
"What do you mean, ‘old lady’? She couldn’t be more than 20 or 22 years old! “你是什么意思，‘老太太’？她最多也就 20 或 22 岁！”
“Oh, come on. You have to be joking. She’s 70 – could be pushing 80 !” “哦，得了吧。你一定是在开玩笑。她 70 岁了——可能快 80 了！”
“What’s the matter with you? Are you blind? This lady is young, good looking. I’d like to take her out. She’s lovely.” “你怎么了？你瞎吗？这位女士年轻，长得好看。我想带她出去。她真可爱。”
"Lovely? She’s an old hag. “可爱？她是个老巫婆。”
The arguments went back and forth, each person sure of, and adamant in, his or her position. All of this occurred in spite of one exceedingly important advantage the students had – most of them knew early in the demonstration that another point of view did, in fact, exist – something many of us would never admit. Nevertheless, at first, only a few students really tried to see this picture from another frame of reference. 争论来来回回，每个人都对自己的立场充满信心并坚持不懈。尽管学生们有一个极其重要的优势——他们中的大多数在演示早期就知道实际上存在另一种观点——这是我们许多人永远不会承认的。然而，起初，只有少数学生真正尝试从另一个视角来看待这个问题。
After a period of futile communication, one student went up to the screen and pointed to a line on the drawing. “There is the young woman’s necklace.” The other one said, “No, that is the old woman’s mouth.” Gradually, they began to calmly discuss specific points of difference, and finally one student, and then another, experienced sudden recognition when the images of both came into focus. Through continued calm, respectful, and specific communication, each of us in the room was finally able to see the other point of view. But when we looked away and then back, most of us would immediately see the image we had been conditioned to see in the 10 -second period of time. 经过一段无果的沟通，一名学生走到屏幕前，指着图纸上的一条线。“那是年轻女性的项链。”另一名学生说：“不，那是老年女性的嘴。”渐渐地，他们开始冷静地讨论具体的差异点，最后一名学生，然后另一名学生，在两幅图像聚焦时体验到了突然的领悟。通过持续的冷静、尊重和具体的沟通，房间里的每一个人最终都能够看到对方的观点。但是当我们转过头再看时，大多数人会立即看到我们在 10 秒钟的时间里习惯性地看到的图像。
I frequently use this perception demonstration in working with people and organizations because it yields so many deep insights into both personal and interpersonal effectiveness. It shows, first of all, how powerfully conditioning affects our perceptions, our paradigms. If 10 seconds can have that kind of impact on the way we see things, what about the conditioning of a lifetime? The influences in our lives – family, school, church, work environment, friends, associates, and current social paradigms such as the personality ethic – all have made their silent unconscious impact on us and help shape our frame of reference, our paradigms, our maps. 我经常在与人和组织合作时使用这种感知演示，因为它对个人和人际效能提供了许多深刻的见解。首先，它展示了条件反射如何强烈地影响我们的感知和范式。如果 10 秒钟能对我们看待事物的方式产生这样的影响，那么一生的条件反射又会如何呢？我们生活中的影响——家庭、学校、教会、工作环境、朋友、同事，以及当前的社会范式，如人格伦理——都在无声无息中对我们产生了影响，并帮助塑造我们的参考框架、我们的范式、我们的地图。
It also shows that these paradigms are the source of our attitudes and behaviors. We cannot act with integrity outside of them. We simply cannot maintain wholeness if we talk and walk differently than we see. If you were among the 90 percent who typically see the young woman in the composite picture when conditioned to do so, you undoubtedly found it difficult to think in terms of having to help her cross the street. Both your attitude about her and your behavior toward her had to be congruent with the way you saw her. 这也表明，这些范式是我们态度和行为的来源。我们无法在它们之外保持诚信。如果我们说话和行动与我们所看到的不同，我们就无法保持完整。如果你是那 90%的人之一，当被条件反射地要求时通常会在合成图中看到年轻女性，你无疑会发现很难以帮助她过马路的方式思考。你对她的态度和你对她的行为必须与你看到她的方式一致。
This brings into focus one of the basic flaws of the personality ethic. To try to change outward attitudes and behaviors does very little good in the long run if we fail to examine the basic paradigms from which those attitudes and behaviors flow. 这突显了人格伦理的一个基本缺陷。如果我们不去审视那些态度和行为所源自的基本范式，试图改变外在的态度和行为在长远来看几乎没有什么好处。
This perception demonstration also shows how powerfully our paradigms affect the way we interact with other people. As clearly and objectively as we think we see things, we begin to realize that others see them differently from their own apparently equally clear and objective point of view. “Where we stand depends on where we sit.” 这种感知演示还展示了我们的范式如何强烈影响我们与他人互动的方式。尽管我们认为自己看待事物的方式是清晰和客观的，但我们开始意识到，其他人从他们自己同样明显和客观的视角看待事物却是不同的。“我们所处的位置取决于我们坐的位置。”
Each of us tends to think we see things as they are, that we are objective. But this is not the case.We see the world, not as it is, but as we are – or, as we are conditioned to see it. When we open our mouths to describe what we see, we in effect describe ourselves, our perceptions, our paradigms. When other people disagree with us, we immediately think something is wrong with them. But, as the demonstration shows, sincere, clearheaded people see things differently, each looking through the unique lens of experience. 我们每个人都倾向于认为我们看到的事物是它们本来的样子，我们是客观的。但事实并非如此。我们看到的世界，不是它本来的样子，而是我们自己——或者说，是我们被条件反射所影响的样子。当我们张嘴描述我们所看到的东西时，实际上是在描述我们自己，我们的感知，我们的范式。当其他人不同意我们时，我们立刻认为他们有什么问题。但正如演示所示，真诚、头脑清晰的人看到的事物是不同的，每个人都通过独特的经验视角来看待事物。
This does not mean that there are no facts. In the demonstration, two individuals who initially have been influenced by different conditioning pictures look at the third picture together. They are now both looking at the same identical facts – black lines and white spaces – and they would both acknowledge these as facts. But each person’s interpretation of these facts represents prior experiences, and the facts have no meaning whatsoever apart from the interpretation. 这并不意味着没有事实。在演示中，两个最初受到不同条件图像影响的个体一起看第三幅图像。他们现在都在看相同的事实——黑线和白色空间——他们都会承认这些是事实。但每个人对这些事实的解释代表了先前的经验，而这些事实本身在解释之外没有任何意义。
The more aware we are of our basic paradigms, maps, or assumptions, and the extent to which we have been influenced by our experience, the more we can take responsibility for those paradigms, examine them, test them against reality, listen to others and be open to their perceptions, thereby getting a larger picture and a far more objective view. 我们越意识到自己的基本范式、地图或假设，以及我们受到经验影响的程度，我们就越能对这些范式负责，审视它们，将它们与现实进行对比，倾听他人并对他们的看法保持开放，从而获得更大的视野和更客观的观点。
The Power of a Paradigm Shift 范式转变的力量
Perhaps the most important insight to be gained from the perception demonstration is in the area of paradigm shifting, what we might call the “Aha!” experience when someone finally “sees” the composite picture in another way. The more bound a person is by the initial perception, the more powerful the “Aha!” experience is. It’s as though a light were suddenly turned on inside. 也许从感知演示中获得的最重要的见解是在范式转变的领域，我们可以称之为“啊哈！”体验，当某人最终以另一种方式“看到”复合图像时。一个人被初始感知束缚得越紧，“啊哈！”体验就越强烈。就好像里面突然亮起了一盏灯。
The term Paradigm Shift was introduced by Thomas Kuhn in his highly influential landmark book, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions. Kuhn shows how almost every significant breakthrough in the field of scientific endeavor is first a break with tradition, with old ways of thinking, with old paradigms. “范式转变”一词是由托马斯·库恩在他极具影响力的里程碑著作《科学革命的结构》中提出的。库恩展示了几乎每一个科学事业领域的重要突破首先都是与传统、旧的思维方式和旧的范式的断裂。
For Ptolemy, the great Egyptian astronomer, the earth was the center of the universe. But Copernicus created a Paradigm Shift, and a great deal of resistance and persecution as well, by placing the sun at the center. Suddenly, everything took on a different interpretation. 对于伟大的埃及天文学家托勒密来说，地球是宇宙的中心。但哥白尼创造了一个范式转变，并因此遭遇了大量的抵制和迫害，因为他将太阳置于中心。突然间，一切都被赋予了不同的解释。
The Newtonian model of physics was a clockwork paradigm and is still the basis of modern engineering. But it was partial, incomplete. The scientific world was revolutionized by the Einsteinian paradigm, the relativity paradigm, which had much higher predictive and explanatory value. 牛顿物理模型是一个机械钟表范式，至今仍是现代工程的基础。但它是片面和不完整的。爱因斯坦范式，即相对论范式，彻底改变了科学界，具有更高的预测和解释价值。
Until the germ theory was developed, a high percentage of women and children died during childbirth, and one could understand why. In military skirmishes, more men were dying from small wounds and diseases than from the major traumas on the front lines. But as soon as the germ theory was developed, a whole new paradigm, a better, improved way of understanding what was happening made dramatic, significant medical improvement possible. 直到细菌理论的发展，许多女性和儿童在分娩过程中死亡的比例很高，这一点可以理解。在军事冲突中，更多的男性死于小伤和疾病，而不是前线的重大创伤。但一旦细菌理论被提出，一个全新的范式，一个更好、更改进的理解事物发生的方式，使得显著的医学进步成为可能。
The United States today is the fruit of a Paradigm Shift. The traditional concept of government for centuries had been a monarchy, the divine right of kings. Then a different paradigm was developed -government of the people, by the people, and for the people. And a constitutional democracy was born, unleashing tremendous human energy and 今天的美国是范式转变的结果。几个世纪以来，传统的政府概念一直是君主制，君权神授。然后发展出一种不同的范式——人民的政府，由人民管理，为人民服务。于是，宪政民主诞生了，释放了巨大的人的能量和
ingenuity, and creating a standard of living, of freedom and liberty, of influence and hope unequaled in the history of the world. 创造了一种生活标准、自由与权利、影响力和希望，这在世界历史上是无与伦比的。
Not all Paradigm Shifts are in positive directions. As we have observed, the shift from the character ethic to the personality ethic has drawn us away from the very roots that nourish true success and happiness. 并非所有的范式转变都是朝着积极的方向。正如我们所观察到的，从品格伦理到个性伦理的转变使我们远离了滋养真正成功和幸福的根源。
But whether they shift us in positive or negative directions, whether they are instantaneous or developmental, Paradigm Shifts move us from one way of seeing the world to another. And those shifts create powerful change. Our paradigms, correct or incorrect, are the sources of our attitudes and behaviors, and ultimately our relationships with others. 但无论它们是将我们朝着积极还是消极的方向转变，无论它们是瞬时的还是渐进的，范式转变都将我们从一种看待世界的方式转变为另一种方式。这些转变创造了强大的变化。我们的范式，无论是正确还是错误，都是我们态度和行为的来源，最终影响我们与他人的关系。
I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly – some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. 我记得在一个星期天早晨，我在纽约的地铁上经历了一次小的范式转变。人们安静地坐着——有些人在看报纸，有些人沉思，有些人闭着眼睛休息。那是一个平静、宁静的场景。
Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed. The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, and even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing. 然后突然，一个男人和他的孩子们进入了地铁车厢。孩子们吵闹得如此厉害，整个气氛立刻改变。那个男人坐在我旁边，闭上了眼睛，显然对这种情况毫无察觉。孩子们在大声叫喊，互相扔东西，甚至抢别人的文件。非常令人不安。然而，坐在我旁边的男人却什么也没做。
It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?” 很难不感到恼火。我无法相信他竟然如此无动于衷，让他的孩子们像那样肆意妄为，却什么都不做，完全不负责任。很明显，地铁上的其他人也感到恼火。因此，最后，我以我认为不寻常的耐心和克制，转向他，说：“先生，您的孩子真的打扰了很多人。我想知道您是否能稍微控制一下他们？”
The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.” 那个人抬起头，仿佛第一次意识到情况，轻声说道：“哦，你说得对。我想我应该对此做点什么。我们刚从医院出来，他们的母亲大约一个小时前去世了。我不知道该怎么想，我想他们也不知道该如何处理。”
Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh, I’m so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant. 你能想象我那一刻的感受吗？我的范式发生了转变。突然间，我看事情的方式不同了，我的感受不同了，我的行为也不同了。我的烦恼消失了。我不再需要担心控制我的态度或行为；我的心中充满了那个男人的痛苦。同情和怜悯的情感自由流淌。“你的妻子刚去世？哦，我很抱歉。你能告诉我吗？我能做些什么来帮助你？”一切在瞬间改变了。
Many people experience a similar fundamental shift in thinking when they face a lifethreatening crisis and suddenly see their priorities in a different light, or when they suddenly step into a new role, such as that of husband or wife, parent or grandparent, manager or leader. 许多人在面临生命威胁的危机时，经历类似的根本思维转变，突然以不同的视角看待自己的优先事项，或者当他们突然进入一个新角色时，比如丈夫或妻子、父母或祖父母、经理或领导。
We could spend weeks, months, even years laboring with the personality ethic trying to change our attitudes and behaviors and not even begin to approach the phenomenon of change that occurs spontaneously when we see things differently. 我们可以花费数周、数月甚至数年努力于人格伦理，试图改变我们的态度和行为，却连改变的现象都无法接近，而这种改变是在我们以不同的方式看待事物时自发发生的。
It becomes obvious that if we want to make relatively minor changes in our lives, we can perhaps appropriately focus on our attitudes and behaviors. But if we want to make significant, quantum change, we need to work on our basic paradigms. 显而易见，如果我们想在生活中做出相对较小的改变，也许可以适当地关注我们的态度和行为。但如果我们想要实现重大的、量子级的变化，我们需要着眼于我们的基本范式。
In the words of Thoreau, “For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root.” We can only achieve quantum improvements in our lives as we quit hacking at the leaves of attitude and behavior and get to work on the root, the paradigms from which our attitudes and behaviors flow. 用梭罗的话说：“每千人砍伐邪恶的树叶中，只有一个人攻击根部。”只有当我们停止砍伐态度和行为的树叶，开始着手解决根本问题，即我们的态度和行为所源自的范式时，我们才能在生活中实现量子级的改善。
Seeing and Being 看与存在
Of course, not all Paradigm Shifts are instantaneous. Unlike my instant insight on the subway, the paradigm-shifting experience Sandra and I had with our son was a slow, difficult, and deliberate process. The approach we had first taken with him was the outgrowth of years of conditioning and experience in the personality ethic. It was the result of deeper paradigms we held about our own success as parents as well as the measure of success of our children. And it was not until we changed those basic paradigms, quantum change in ourselves and in the situation. 当然，并非所有的范式转变都是瞬间发生的。与我在地铁上的瞬间领悟不同，桑德拉和我与我们儿子之间的范式转变经历是一个缓慢、困难且深思熟虑的过程。我们最初对他的处理方式是多年条件反射和个性伦理经验的产物。这是我们对自己作为父母的成功以及对我们孩子成功的衡量标准所持有的更深层次范式的结果。直到我们改变了这些基本范式，才发生了量子变化，改变了我们自己和所处的情况。
In order to see our son differently, Sandra and I had to be differently. Our new paradigm was created as we invested in the growth and development of our own character. 为了以不同的方式看待我们的儿子，桑德拉和我必须有所不同。我们的新范式是在我们投资于自身性格的成长和发展时创造的。
Our Paradigms are the way we “see” the world or circumstances – not in terms of our visual sense of sight, but in terms of perceiving, understanding, and interpreting. Paradigms are inseparable from character. Being is seeing in the human dimension. And what we see is highly interrelated to what we are. We can’t go very far to change our seeing without simultaneously changing our being, and vice versa. 我们的范式是我们“看待”世界或环境的方式——不是通过我们的视觉感知，而是通过感知、理解和解释。范式与性格密不可分。存在就是在人的维度中看见。而我们所看到的与我们所是的高度相关。我们无法在不同时改变我们的存在和看见的情况下，走得太远。
Even in my apparently instantaneous paradigm-shifting experience that morning on the subway, my change of vision was a result of – and limited by – my basic character. 即使在我那天早上在地铁上看似瞬间的范式转变经历中，我的视角变化也是由于我的基本性格所导致的，并受到其限制。
I’m sure there are people who, even suddenly understanding the true situation, would have felt no more than a twinge of regret or vague guilt as they continued to sit in embarrassed silence beside the grieving, confused man. On the other hand, I am equally certain there are people who would have been far more sensitive in the first place, who may have recognized that a deeper problem existed and reached out to understand and help before I did. 我相信，有些人即使突然理解了真实情况，也只会感到一丝遗憾或模糊的内疚，继续在悲伤而困惑的男人旁边尴尬地沉默。另一方面，我同样确信，有些人本来会更加敏感，可能会意识到存在更深层次的问题，并在我之前主动去理解和帮助。
Paradigms are powerful because they create the lens through which we see the world. The power of a Paradigm Shift is the essential power of quantum change, whether that shift is an instantaneous or a slow and deliberate process. 范式是强大的，因为它们创造了我们看待世界的视角。范式转变的力量是量子变化的基本力量，无论这种转变是瞬时的还是缓慢而深思熟虑的过程。
The Principle-Centered Paradigm 以原则为中心的范式
The character ethic is based on the fundamental idea that there are principles that govern human effectiveness – natural laws in the human dimension that are just as real, just as unchanging and unarguably “there” as laws such as gravity are in the physical dimension. 品格伦理基于一个基本理念，即存在一些原则支配人类的有效性——在人类维度中有自然法则，这些法则与物理维度中的重力法则一样真实、一样不变，并且无可争辩地“存在”。
An idea of the reality – and the impact – of these principles can be captured in another paradigm-shifting experience as told by Frank Kock in Proceedings, the magazine of the Naval Institute. 这些原则的现实及其影响的一个想法可以通过 Frank Kock 在《Proceedings》，海军研究所的杂志中讲述的另一个范式转变的经历来体现。
Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. 两艘分配给训练中队的战列舰在恶劣天气中进行了几天的海上演习。我在前导战列舰上值班，夜幕降临时我在桥上值班。能见度较差，雾气弥漫，因此舰长留在桥上关注所有活动。
Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, “Light, bearing on the starboard bow.” 天黑不久，桥翼上的瞭望员报告：“光，位于右前方。”
“Is it steady or moving astern?” the captain called out. “是稳定的还是在向后移动？”船长喊道。
Lookout replied, “Steady, captain,” which meant we were on a dangerous collision course with that ship. The captain then called to the signal man, “Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees.” 瞭望员回答：“稳住，船长，”这意味着我们正与那艘船处于危险的碰撞航线上。船长随后对信号员喊道：“向那艘船发信号：我们正处于碰撞航线上，请建议改变航向 20 度。”
Back came a signal, “Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees.” 信号回来了，“建议你改变航向 20 度。”
The captain said, “Send, I’m a captain, change course 20 degrees.” 船长说：“发送，我是船长，改变航向 20 度。”
“I’m a seaman second class,” came the reply. “You had better change course 20 degrees.” “我是一名二级水手，”回答道。“你最好改变航向 20 度。”
By that time, the captain was furious. He spat out, “Send, I’m a battleship. Change course 20 degrees.” 到那时，舰长已经怒不可遏。他怒吼道：“发送，我是一艘战舰。改变航向 20 度。”
Back came the flashing light, “I’m a lighthouse.” 闪烁的光又回来了，“我是灯塔。”
We changed course 我们改变了方向
The A Paradigm Shift is the “a-ha” experience associated with finally perceiving or understanding some aspect of the world (or a circumstance) in a different way. Paradigm Shift experienced by the captain – and by us as we read this account – puts the situation in a totally different light. We can see a reality that is superseded by his limited perceptions – a reality that is as critical for us to understand in our daily lives as it was for the captain in the fog. 范式转变是与最终以不同方式感知或理解世界（或某种情况）某个方面相关的“恍然大悟”体验。船长所经历的范式转变——以及我们在阅读这个故事时所经历的——使得情况呈现出完全不同的光景。我们可以看到一种被他有限的感知所取代的现实——这种现实对我们在日常生活中理解是至关重要的，就像对船长在雾中一样。
Principles are like lighthouses. They are natural laws that cannot be broken. As Cecil B. deMille observed of the principles contained in his monumental movie, The Ten Commandments, “It is impossible for us to break the law. We can only break ourselves against the law.” 原则就像灯塔。它们是无法被打破的自然法则。正如塞西尔·B·德米尔在他那部宏伟电影《十诫》中所观察到的，“我们不可能打破法律。我们只能在法律面前打破自己。”
While individuals may look at their own lives and interactions in terms of paradigms or maps emerging out of their experience and conditioning, these maps are not the territory. They are a “subjective reality,” only an attempt to describe the territory. 虽然个人可能会根据自己的经历和条件将自己的生活和互动视为出现的范式或地图，但这些地图并不是领土。它们是“主观现实”，只是对领土的描述尝试。
The “objective reality,” or the territory itself, is composed of “lighthouse” principles that govern human growth and happiness – natural laws that are woven into the fabric of every civilized society throughout history and comprise the roots of every family and institution that has endured and prospered. The degree to which our mental maps accurately describe the territory does not alter its existence. “客观现实”或领土本身，由“灯塔”原则构成，这些原则支配着人类的成长和幸福——这些自然法则编织在历史上每个文明社会的结构中，构成了每个持久和繁荣的家庭和机构的根基。我们的心理地图准确描述领土的程度并不改变其存在。
The reality of such principles or natural laws becomes obvious to anyone who thinks deeply and examines the cycles of social history. These principles surface time and time again, and the degree to which people in society recognize and live in harmony with them moves them toward either survival and stability or disintegration and destruction. 这些原则或自然法则的现实对任何深入思考并审视社会历史周期的人来说都是显而易见的。这些原则一次又一次地浮现出来，社会中人们认识并与之和谐相处的程度将使他们走向生存与稳定，或解体与毁灭。
The principles I am referring to are not esoteric, mysterious, or “religious” ideas. There is not one principle taught in this book that is unique to any specific faith or religion, including my own. These principles are a part of every major enduring religion, as well as enduring social philosophies and ethical systems. They are self-evident and can easily be validated by any individual. It’s almost as if these principles or natural laws are part of 我所提到的原则并不是深奥、神秘或“宗教”的思想。这本书中没有一个原则是任何特定信仰或宗教所独有的，包括我自己的信仰。这些原则是每个主要持久宗教的一部分，以及持久的社会哲学和伦理体系。它们是不言而喻的，任何个人都可以轻易验证。就好像这些原则或自然法则是……的一部分。
the human condition, part of the human consciousness, part of the human conscience. They seem to exist in all human beings, regardless of social conditioning and loyalty to them, even though they might be submerged or numbed by conditions or disloyalty. 人类状况，人类意识的一部分，人类良知的一部分。它们似乎存在于所有人类身上，无论社会条件和对它们的忠诚如何，即使它们可能被环境或不忠所淹没或麻木。
I am referring, for example, to the principle of fairness, out of which our whole concept of equity and justice is developed. Little children seem to have an innate sense of the idea of fairness even apart from opposite conditioning experiences. There are vast differences in how fairness is defined and achieved, but there is almost universal awareness of the idea. 我所指的是公平原则，正是在这个原则的基础上，我们的整个公平和正义的概念得以发展。小孩子似乎天生就有公平观念，即使在相反的条件经历之外也是如此。公平的定义和实现方式存在巨大的差异，但几乎所有人都对这个观念有普遍的认识。
Other examples would include integrity and honesty. They create the foundation of trust which is essential to cooperation and long-term personal and interpersonal growth. 其他例子包括诚信和诚实。它们构成了信任的基础，而信任对于合作以及个人和人际关系的长期发展至关重要。
Another principle is human dignity. The basic concept in the United States Declaration of Independence bespeaks this value or principle. “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” 另一个原则是人类尊严。美国《独立宣言》中的基本概念体现了这一价值或原则。“我们认为这些真理是不言而喻的：所有人都是平等创造的，并由他们的造物主赋予某些不可剥夺的权利，其中包括生命、自由和追求幸福。”
Another principle is service, or the idea of making a contribution. Another is quality or excellence. There is the principle of potential, the idea that we are embryonic and can grow and develop and release more and more potential, develop more and more talents. Highly related to potential is the principle of growth – the process of releasing potential and developing talents, with the accompanying need for principles such as patience, nurturance, and encouragement. 另一个原则是服务，或做出贡献的理念。另一个是质量或卓越。还有潜力的原则，意味着我们是胚胎状态，可以成长和发展，释放越来越多的潜力，发展越来越多的才能。与潜力高度相关的是成长的原则——释放潜力和发展才能的过程，伴随着耐心、培养和鼓励等原则的需求。
Principles are not practices. A practice is a specific activity or action. A practice that works in one circumstance will not necessarily work in another, as parents who have tried to raise a second child exactly like they did the first one can readily attest. 原则不是实践。实践是一种特定的活动或行动。在一种情况下有效的实践在另一种情况下不一定有效，正如那些试图以与第一个孩子完全相同的方式抚养第二个孩子的父母可以轻易证明的那样。
While practices are situationally specific, principles are deep, fundamental truths that have universal application. They apply to individuals, to marriages, to families, to private and public organizations of every kind. When these truths are internalized into habits, they empower people to create a wide variety of practices to deal with different situations. 虽然实践是特定于情境的，但原则是深刻的、基本的真理，具有普遍适用性。它们适用于个人、婚姻、家庭以及各种私营和公共组织。当这些真理内化为习惯时，它们使人们能够创造出多种多样的实践来应对不同的情况。
While practices are situationally specific, principles are deep, fundamental truths that have universal application. They apply to individuals, to marriages, to families, to private and public organizations of every kind. When these truths are internalized into habits, they empower people to create a wide variety of practices to deal with different situations. 虽然实践是特定于情境的，但原则是深刻的、基本的真理，具有普遍适用性。它们适用于个人、婚姻、家庭以及各种私营和公共组织。当这些真理内化为习惯时，它们使人们能够创造多种多样的实践来应对不同的情况。
Principles are not values. A gang of thieves can share values, but they are in violation of the fundamental principles we’re talking about. Principles are the territory. Values are maps. When we value correct principles, we have truth – a knowledge of things as they are. 原则不是价值观。一群小偷可以共享价值观，但他们违反了我们所谈论的基本原则。原则是领域。价值观是地图。当我们重视正确的原则时，我们就拥有了真理——对事物本质的认识。
Principles are guidelines for human conduct that are proven to have enduring, permanent value. They’re fundamental. They’re essentially unarguable because they are self-evident. One way to quickly grasp the self-evident nature of principles is to simply consider the absurdity of attempting to live an effective life based on their opposites. I doubt that anyone would seriously consider unfairness, deceit, baseness, uselessness, mediocrity, or degeneration to be a solid foundation for lasting happiness and success. Although people may argue about how these principles are defined or manifested or achieved, there seems to be an innate consciousness and awareness that they exist. 原则是对人类行为的指导方针，经过验证具有持久、永久的价值。它们是基本的。它们本质上是无可争辩的，因为它们是不言而喻的。快速理解原则自明性质的一种方法是简单地考虑试图基于其对立面生活的荒谬性。我怀疑任何人会认真考虑不公正、欺骗、卑劣、无用、平庸或堕落作为持久幸福和成功的坚实基础。尽管人们可能会争论这些原则是如何定义、表现或实现的，但似乎存在一种与生俱来的意识和觉知，表明它们确实存在。
The more closely our maps or paradigms are aligned with these principles or natural laws, the more accurate and functional they will be. Correct maps will infinitely impact our personal and interpersonal effectiveness far more than any amount of effort expended on changing our attitudes and behaviors. 我们的地图或范式与这些原则或自然法则越紧密对齐，它们就会越准确和有效。正确的地图将对我们的个人和人际效能产生无限的影响，远超过我们在改变态度和行为上所花费的任何努力。
Principles of Growth and Change 增长与变化的原则
The glitter of the personality ethic, the massive appeal, is that there is some quick and easy way to achieve quality of life – personal effectiveness and rich, deep relationships with other people – without going through the natural process of work and growth that makes it possible 个性伦理的光辉和巨大吸引力在于，有一种快速而简单的方法可以实现生活质量——个人效能和与他人建立丰富、深厚的关系——而无需经历使其成为可能的自然工作和成长过程
It’s symbol without substance. It’s the “get rich quick” scheme promising “wealth without work.” And it might even appear to succeed – but the schemer remains. 这是一种没有实质的符号。这是一个承诺“无工作致富”的“快速致富”计划。它甚至可能看起来成功——但策划者依然存在。
The personality ethic is illusory and deceptive. And trying to get high-quality results with its techniques and quick fixes is just about as effective as trying to get to some place in Chicago using a map of Detroit. 人格伦理是虚幻和具有欺骗性的。试图通过其技巧和快速解决方案获得高质量的结果，就像试图用底特律的地图到达芝加哥的某个地方一样有效。
In the words of Erich Fromm, an astute observer of the roots and fruits of the personality ethic. Today we come across an individual who behaves like an automaton, who does not know or understand himself, and the only person that he knows is the person that he is supposed to be, whose meaningless chatter has replaced communicative speech, whose synthetic smile has replaced genuine laughter, and whose sense of dull despair has taken the place of genuine pain. Two statements may be said concerning this individual. One is that he suffers from defects of spontaneity and individuality which may seem to be incurable. At the same time it may be said of him he does not differ essentially from the millions of the rest of us who walk upon this earth. 在埃里希·弗洛姆的话中，他是个敏锐的观察者，关注人格伦理的根源和结果。今天我们遇到一个像自动机一样行为的个体，他不知道或理解自己，唯一知道的人是他应该成为的人，他那毫无意义的喋喋不休取代了交流的言语，他那虚假的微笑取代了真诚的笑声，他那种无聊的绝望取代了真正的痛苦。关于这个个体可以说两点。第一，他遭受自发性和个性缺陷的困扰，这些缺陷似乎是无法治愈的。同时也可以说，他与我们在这片土地上行走的数百万其他人并没有本质上的区别。
In all of life, there are sequential stages of growth and development. A child learns to turn over, to sit up, to crawl, and then to walk and run. Each step is important and each one takes time. No step can be skipped. 在生活中，成长和发展的过程是一个连续的阶段。孩子学习翻身、坐起、爬行，然后走路和跑步。每一步都很重要，每一步都需要时间。没有一步可以跳过。
This is true in all phases of life, in all areas of development, whether it be learning to play the piano or communicate effectively with a working associate. It is true with individuals, with marriages, with families, and with organizations. 这在生活的所有阶段、所有发展领域都是正确的，无论是学习弹钢琴还是与工作伙伴有效沟通。这在个人、婚姻、家庭和组织中都是正确的。
We know and accept this fact or principle of process in the area of physical things, but to understand it in emotional areas, in human relations, and even in the area of personal character is less common and more difficult. And even if we understand it, to accept it and to live in harmony with it are even less common and more difficult. Consequently, we sometimes look for a shortcut, expecting to be able to skip some of these vital steps in order to save time and effort and still reap the desired result. 我们知道并接受这一事实或原则在物质领域的过程，但在情感领域、人际关系，甚至在个人品格方面理解它则不太常见且更为困难。即使我们理解了它，接受它并与之和谐相处也更不常见且更为困难。因此，我们有时会寻找捷径，期望能够跳过一些这些重要步骤，以节省时间和精力，同时仍然获得期望的结果。
But what happens when we attempt to shortcut a natural process in our growth and development? If you are only an average tennis player but decide to play at a higher level in order to make a better impression, what will result? Would positive thinking alone enable you to compete effectively against a professional? 但是，当我们试图在成长和发展中简化自然过程时会发生什么？如果你只是一个普通的网球选手，但决定在更高的水平上比赛以留下更好的印象，结果会怎样？仅仅依靠积极思考能否让你有效地与专业选手竞争？
What if you were to lead your friends to believe you could play the piano at concert hall level while your actual present skill was that of a beginner? 如果你让你的朋友相信你能在音乐厅水平上弹钢琴，而你实际的技能只是初学者水平，那会怎样？
The answers are obvious. It is simply impossible to violate, ignore, or shortcut this development process. It is contrary to nature, and attempting to seek such a shortcut only results in disappointment and frustration. 答案显而易见。违反、忽视或捷径这个开发过程是根本不可能的。这违背了自然，试图寻找这样的捷径只会导致失望和挫折。
On a 10-point scale, if I am at level two in any field, and desire to move to level five, I must first take the step toward level three. “A thousand-mile journey begins with the first step” and can only be taken one step at a time. 在 10 分制中，如果我在任何领域处于第二级，并希望提升到第五级，我必须首先迈向第三级。“千里之行始于足下”，而且只能一步一步地进行。
If you don’t let a teacher know what level you are – by asking a question, or revealing your ignorance – you will not learn or grow. You cannot pretend for long, for you will eventually be found out. Admission of ignorance is often the first step in our education. Thoreau taught, “How can we remember our ignorance, which our growth requires, when we are using our knowledge all of the time?” 如果你不让老师知道你的水平——通过提问或暴露你的无知——你将无法学习或成长。你不能长时间假装，因为最终你会被发现。承认无知通常是我们教育的第一步。梭罗教导说：“当我们一直在使用我们的知识时，我们如何能记住我们的无知，而这正是我们成长所需要的？”
I recall one occasion when two young women, daughters of a friend of mine, came to me tearfully, complaining about their father’s harshness and lack of understanding. They were afraid to open up with their parents for fear of the consequences. And yet they desperately needed their parents’ love, understanding, and guidance. 我记得有一次，我一个朋友的两个女儿泪流满面地来找我，抱怨她们父亲的严厉和缺乏理解。她们害怕向父母倾诉，担心后果。然而，她们迫切需要父母的爱、理解和指导。
I talked with the father and found that he was intellectually aware of what was happening. But while he admitted he had a temper problem, he refused to take responsibility for it and to honestly accept the fact that his emotional development level was low. It was more than his pride could swallow to take the first step toward change. 我和父亲谈过，发现他对发生的事情有一定的认知。但尽管他承认自己有脾气问题，他仍然拒绝为此负责，并诚实地接受自己情感发展水平低的事实。为了迈出改变的第一步，这超出了他的自尊心所能承受的。
To relate effectively with a wife, a husband, children, friends, or working associates, we must learn to listen. And this requires emotional strength. Listening involves patience, openness, and the desire to understand – highly developed qualities of character. It’s so much easier to operate from a low emotional level and to give high-level advice. 要有效地与妻子、丈夫、孩子、朋友或工作伙伴建立关系，我们必须学会倾听。这需要情感的力量。倾听涉及耐心、开放和理解的愿望——这些都是高度发展的品格特质。从低情感水平出发并给予高水平的建议要容易得多。
Our level of development is fairly obvious with tennis or piano playing, where it is impossible to pretend. But it is not so obvious in the areas of character and emotional development. We can “pose” and “put on” for a stranger or an associate. We can pretend. And for a while we can get by with it -at least in public. We might even deceive ourselves. Yet I believe that most of us know the truth of what we really are inside; and I think many of those we live with and work with do as well. 我们的发展水平在网球或钢琴演奏方面是相当明显的，在这些方面我们无法伪装。但在性格和情感发展领域，这并不那么明显。我们可以对陌生人或同事“摆姿势”和“装作”。我们可以假装。并且在一段时间内我们可以这样过下去——至少在公共场合。我们甚至可能会欺骗自己。然而，我相信我们大多数人都知道自己内心真正的样子；我认为我们生活和工作在一起的许多人也知道。
I have seen the consequences of attempting to shortcut this natural process of growth often in the business world, where executives attempt to “buy” a new culture of improved productivity, quality, morale, and customer service with the strong speeches, smile training, and external interventions, or through mergers, acquisitions, and friendly or unfriendly takeovers. But they ignore the low-trust climate produced by such manipulations. When these methods don’t work, they look for other personality ethic techniques that will – all the time ignoring and violating the natural principles and processes on which high-trust culture is based. 我在商业世界中经常看到试图捷径这一自然成长过程的后果，许多高管试图通过强有力的演讲、微笑培训和外部干预，或者通过合并、收购以及友好或敌意的收购来“购买”一种新的文化，以提高生产力、质量、士气和客户服务。但他们忽视了这种操控所产生的低信任氛围。当这些方法不起作用时，他们寻找其他人格伦理技巧来解决问题——始终忽视和违反高信任文化所基于的自然原则和过程。
I remember violating this principle myself as a father many years ago. One day I returned home to my little girl’s third-year birthday party to find her in the corner of the front room, defiantly clutching all of her presents, unwilling to let the other children play with them. The first thing I noticed was several parents in the room witnessing this selfish display. I was embarrassed, and doubly so because at the time I was teaching university classes in human relations. And I knew, or at least felt, the expectation of these parents. 我记得多年前作为父亲违反了这个原则。一天，我回到家，参加我小女孩的三岁生日派对，发现她在前厅的角落里，倔强地抱着她所有的礼物，不愿意让其他孩子玩。首先我注意到的是房间里有几个家长目睹了这个自私的表现。我感到尴尬，更何况当时我正在教授人际关系的大学课程。我知道，或者至少感觉到，这些家长的期望。
The atmosphere in the room was really charged – the children were crowding around my little daughter with their hands out, asking to play with the presents they had just given, and my daughter was adamantly refusing. I said to myself, “Certainly I should teach my daughter to share. The value of sharing is one of the most basic things we believe in.” 房间里的气氛真的很紧张——孩子们围着我小女儿，伸出手来，想要玩他们刚刚送的礼物，而我女儿则坚决拒绝。我对自己说：“我当然应该教我女儿分享。分享的价值是我们所信仰的最基本的事情之一。”
So I first tried a simple request. "Honey, would you please share with your friends the toys they’ve given you? 所以我首先尝试了一个简单的请求。“亲爱的，你能把他们给你的玩具分享给你的朋友们吗？”
“No,” she replied flatly. “没有，”她平淡地回答。
My second method was to use a little reasoning. “Honey, if you learn to share your toys with them when they are at your home, then when you go to their homes they will share their toys with you.” 我第二种方法是用一点推理。“亲爱的，如果你在他们来你家时学会和他们分享你的玩具，那么当你去他们家时，他们也会和你分享他们的玩具。”
Again, the immediate reply was “No!” 再次，直接的回答是“没有！”
I was becoming a little more embarrassed, for it was evident I was having no influence. The third method was bribery. Very softly I said, “Honey, if you share, I’ve got special surprise for you. I’ll give you a piece of gum.” 我变得有些尴尬，因为显然我没有任何影响力。第三种方法是贿赂。我轻声说：“亲爱的，如果你分享，我有特别的惊喜给你。我会给你一块口香糖。”
“I don’t want gum!” she exploded. “我不想要口香糖！”她爆发了。
Now I was becoming exasperated. For my fourth attempt, I resorted to fear and threat. “Unless you share, you will be in real trouble!” 现在我开始感到恼火。为了我的第四次尝试，我诉诸于恐惧和威胁。“除非你分享，否则你会有大麻烦！”
“I don’t care!” she cried. “These are my things. I don’t have to share!” “我才不在乎！”她喊道。“这些是我的东西。我不需要分享！”
Finally, I resorted to force. I merely took some of the toys and gave them to the other kids. “Here, kids, play with these.” 最后，我采取了强硬手段。我只是拿了一些玩具，给了其他孩子。“来，孩子们，玩这些。”
But at that moment, I valued the opinion those parents had of me more than the growth and development of my child and our relationship together. I simply made an initial judgment that I was right; she should share, and she was wrong in not doing so. 但在那一刻，我更看重那些父母对我的看法，而不是我孩子的成长和我们之间的关系。我只是做出了一个初步判断，我是对的；她应该分享，而她不这样做是错的。
Perhaps I superimposed a higher-level expectation on her simply because on my own scale I was at a lower level. I was unable or unwilling to give patience or understanding, so I expected her to give things. In an attempt to compensate for my deficiency, I borrowed strength from my position and authority and forced her to do what I wanted her to do. But borrowing strength builds weakness. It builds weakness in the borrower because it reinforces dependence on external factors to get things done. It builds weakness in the person forced to 也许我对她施加了更高的期望，仅仅因为在我自己的尺度上，我处于较低的水平。我无法或不愿给予耐心或理解，因此我期望她给予我想要的东西。为了弥补我的不足，我借用了我在职位和权威上的力量，强迫她去做我想让她做的事情。但借用力量会导致弱点。它在借用者身上建立了弱点，因为它强化了对外部因素的依赖以完成事情。它在被迫的人身上建立了弱点。
acquiesce, stunting the development of independent reasoning, growth, and internal discipline. And finally, it builds weakness in the relationship. Fear replaces cooperation, and both people involved become more arbitrary and defensive. 默许，阻碍独立思考、成长和内在纪律的发展。最后，它在关系中造成了脆弱。恐惧取代了合作，双方变得更加武断和防御。
And what happens when the source of borrowed strength – be it superior size or physical strength, position, authority, credentials, status symbols, appearance, or past achievements – changes or is no longer there? 当借用力量的来源——无论是超凡的体型或身体力量、地位、权威、资历、地位象征、外貌或过去的成就——发生变化或不再存在时，会发生什么？
Had I been more mature, I could have relied on my own intrinsic strength – my understanding of sharing and of growth and my capacity to love and nurture – and allowed my daughter to make a free choice as to whether she wanted to share or not to share. Perhaps after attempting to reason with her, I could have turned the attention of the children to an interesting game, taking all that emotional pressure off my child. I’ve learned that once children gain a sense of real possession, they share very naturally, freely, and spontaneously. 如果我更成熟，我本可以依靠我内在的力量——我对分享和成长的理解，以及我爱的能力和培养的能力——让我的女儿自由选择是否分享。也许在试图说服她之后，我可以把孩子们的注意力转向一个有趣的游戏，减轻我孩子的情感压力。我已经了解到，一旦孩子们获得了真正的拥有感，他们会非常自然、自由和自发地分享。
My experience has been that there are times to teach and times not to teach. When relationships are strained and the air charged with emotion, an attempt to teach is often perceived as a form of judgment and rejection. But to take the child alone, quietly, when the relationship is good and to discuss the teaching or the value seems to have much greater impact. It may have been that the emotional maturity to do that was beyond my level of patience and internal control at the time. 我的经验是，有时候需要教导，有时候不需要教导。当关系紧张、情绪高涨时，试图教导常常被视为一种评判和拒绝。但在关系良好时，单独安静地与孩子讨论教学或价值似乎会产生更大的影响。那时，能够做到这一点的情感成熟度可能超出了我当时的耐心和内在控制水平。
Perhaps a sense of possessing needs to come before a sense of genuine sharing. Many people who give mechanically or refuse to give and share in their marriages and families may never have experienced what it means to possess themselves, their own sense of identity and self-worth. Really helping our children grow may involve being patient enough to allow them the sense of possession as well as being wise enough to teach them the value of giving and providing the example ourselves. 也许拥有感需要在真正分享的感觉之前。许多在婚姻和家庭中机械地给予或拒绝给予和分享的人，可能从未体验过拥有自我、身份感和自我价值的意义。真正帮助我们的孩子成长可能需要足够的耐心，让他们感受到拥有感，同时也需要足够的智慧来教导他们给予的价值，并以身作则。
The Way We See the Problem is the Problem 我们看待问题的方式就是问题
People are intrigued when they see good things happening in the lives of individuals, families, and organizations that are based on solid principles. They admire such personal strength and maturity, such family unity and teamwork, such adaptive synergistic organizational culture. 人们对那些基于坚实原则的个人、家庭和组织生活中发生的美好事情感到好奇。他们钦佩这种个人的力量和成熟、家庭的团结和团队合作、以及适应性协同的组织文化。
And their immediate request is very revealing of their basic paradigm. “How do you do it? Teach me the techniques.” What they’re really saying is, “Give me some quick fix advice or solution that will relieve the pain in my own situation.” 他们的直接请求非常揭示了他们的基本范式。“你是怎么做到的？教我技巧。”他们真正想说的是，“给我一些快速解决的建议或方案，以缓解我自己情况中的痛苦。”
They will find people who will meet their wants and teach these things; and for a short time, skills and techniques may appear to work. They may eliminate some of the cosmetic or acute problems through social aspirin and band-aids. 他们会找到能够满足他们需求的人，并教授这些东西；在短时间内，技能和技巧可能看起来有效。他们可能通过社会上的“阿司匹林”和“创可贴”来消除一些表面或急性的问问题。
But the underlying chronic condition remains, and eventually new acute symptoms will appear. The more people are into quick fix and focus on the acute problems and pain, the more that very approach contributes to the underlying chronic condition. 但潜在的慢性病仍然存在，最终会出现新的急性症状。越是人们追求快速解决方案并专注于急性问题和疼痛，这种方法就越会加重潜在的慢性病。
The way we see the problem is the problem. 我们看待问题的方式就是问题。
Look again at some of the concerns that introduced this chapter, and at the impact of personality ethic thinking. I’ve taken course after course on effective management training. I expect a lot out of my employees and I work hard to be friendly toward them and to treat them right. But I don’t feel any loyalty from them. I think if I were home sick for a day, they’d spend most of their time gabbing at the water fountain. Why can’t I train them to be independent and responsible – or find employees who can be? 再看看引入本章的一些关注点，以及人格伦理思维的影响。我参加了许多有效管理培训的课程。我对我的员工期望很高，并努力对他们友好并正确对待他们。但我并没有感受到他们的忠诚。我觉得如果我在家生病一天，他们大部分时间会在饮水机旁闲聊。为什么我不能训练他们独立和负责任——或者找到能够做到的员工呢？
The personality ethic tells me I could take some kind of dramatic action – shake things up, make heads roll – that would make my employees shape up and appreciate what they have. Or that I could find some motivational training program that would get them committed. Or even that I could hire new people that would do a better job. 人格伦理告诉我，我可以采取某种戏剧性的行动——搅动局面，让人们感到震惊——这会让我的员工改正自己的行为，珍惜他们所拥有的。或者我可以找到某个激励培训项目，让他们更加投入。甚至我可以雇佣新员工，他们会做得更好。
But is it possible that under that apparently disloyal behavior, these employees question whether I really act in their best interest? Do they feel like I’m treating them as mechanical objects? Is there some truth to that? 但在那种看似不忠的行为背后，这些员工是否在质疑我是否真的为他们的最佳利益行事？他们是否觉得我把他们当作机械物体对待？这是否有一些道理？
Deep inside, is that really the way I see them? Is there a chance the way I look at the people who work for me is part of the problem? 内心深处，我真的就是这样看待他们的吗？我对为我工作的人们的看法是否是问题的一部分？
There’s so much to do. And there’s never enough time. I feel pressured and hassled all day, every day, seven days a week. I’ve attended time management seminars and I’ve tried half a dozen different planning systems. They’ve helped some, but I still don’t feel I’m living the happy, productive, peaceful life I want to live. 有太多事情要做。而且时间总是不够。我每天都感到压力和烦恼，一周七天。我参加过时间管理研讨会，也尝试过半打不同的规划系统。它们有些帮助，但我仍然觉得自己没有过上我想要的快乐、高效、平静的生活。
The personality ethic tells me there must be something out there – some new planner or seminar that will help me handle all these pressures in a more efficient way. 人格伦理告诉我，外面一定有一些东西——某个新的计划者或研讨会，可以帮助我以更高效的方式应对所有这些压力。
But is there a chance that efficiency is not the answer? Is getting more things done in less time going to make a difference – or will it just increase the pace at which I react to the people and circumstances that seem to control my life? 但效率是否不是答案的可能性存在吗？在更短的时间内完成更多事情会有所不同吗——还是只是加快我对那些似乎控制我生活的人和环境的反应速度？
Could there be something I need to see in a deeper, more fundamental way – some paradigm within myself that affects the way I see my time, my life, and my own nature? 是否有一些我需要以更深刻、更根本的方式去看待的东西——某种影响我看待时间、生活和自身本质的范式？
My marriage has gone flat. We don’t fight or anything; we just don’t love each other anymore. We’ve gone to counseling; we’ve tried a number of things, but we just can’t seem to rekindle the feeling we used to have. 我的婚姻变得平淡无奇。我们不争吵，也没有其他问题；我们只是不再相爱了。我们去过咨询；尝试过很多方法，但似乎就是无法重新点燃我们曾经拥有的感觉。
The personality ethic tells me there must be some new book or some seminar where people get all their feelings out that would help my wife understand me better. Or maybe that it’s useless, and only a new relationship will provide the love I need. 人格伦理告诉我，一定有一些新书或研讨会，人们可以在其中倾诉自己的感受，这会帮助我的妻子更好地理解我。或者也许这都是无用的，只有一段新关系才能提供我所需要的爱。
But is it possible that my spouse isn’t the real problem? Could I be empowering my spouse’s weaknesses and making my life a function of the way I’m treated? 但我的配偶可能不是问题的真正所在吗？我是否在助长我配偶的弱点，并使我的生活成为我受到对待方式的函数？
Do I have some basic paradigm about my spouse, about marriage, about what love really is, that is feeding the problem? 我对我的配偶、婚姻以及爱情的本质是否有一些基本的范式在滋养这个问题？
Can you see how fundamentally the paradigms of the personality ethic affect the very way we see our problems as well as the way we attempt to solve them? 你能看到人格伦理的范式在多大程度上影响了我们看待问题的方式以及我们尝试解决问题的方式吗？
Whether people see it or not, many are becoming disillusioned with the empty promises of the personality ethic. As I travel around the country and work with organizations, I find that long-term thinking executives are simply turned off by psyche up psychology and “motivational” speakers who have nothing more to share than entertaining stories mingled with platitudes. 无论人们是否看到，许多人对个性伦理的空洞承诺感到失望。当我在全国各地旅行并与组织合作时，我发现长期思考的高管们对心理激励心理学和那些除了娱乐故事和陈词滥调之外没有更多分享的“激励”演讲者感到厌烦。
They want substance; they want process. They want more than aspirin and band-aids. They want to solve the chronic underlying problems and focus on the principles that bring long-term results. 他们想要实质；他们想要过程。他们想要的不仅仅是阿司匹林和创可贴。他们想要解决慢性根本问题，并关注带来长期结果的原则。
A New Level of Thinking 一种新的思维层次
Albert Einstein observed, "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. 阿尔伯特·爱因斯坦观察到：“我们面临的重大问题无法在我们创造它们时所处的思维水平上解决。”
As we look around us and within us and recognize the problems created as we live and interact within the personality ethic, we begin to realize that these are deep, fundamental problems that cannot be solved on the superficial level on which they were created. 当我们环顾四周，审视内心，并意识到在个性伦理中生活和互动所产生的问题时，我们开始意识到这些是深刻的、根本性的问题，无法在其产生的表面层面上解决。
We need a new level, a deeper level of thinking – a paradigm based on the principles that accurately describe the territory of effective human being and interacting – to solve these deep concerns. 我们需要一个新的层次，一个更深层次的思考——一个基于准确描述有效人类存在和互动领域原则的范式——来解决这些深层次的问题。
This new level of thinking is what Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is about. It’s a principle-centered, character-based, “Inside-Out” approach to personal and interpersonal effectiveness. 这种新的思维方式就是《高效能人士的七个习惯》的核心内容。它是一种以原则为中心、以品格为基础的“从内而外”的个人和人际关系效能方法。
“Inside-Out” means to start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with the most inside part of self – with your paradigms, your character, and your motives. “Inside-Out” 意味着首先从自我开始；更根本地说，从自我的最内在部分开始——从你的范式、你的性格和你的动机开始。
It says if you want to have a happy marriage, be the kind of person who generates positive energy and sidesteps negative energy rather than empowering it. If you want to have a more pleasant, cooperative teenager, be a more understanding, empathic, consistent, loving parent. If you want to have more freedom, more latitude in your job, be a more responsible, a more helpful, a more contributing employee. If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy. If you want the secondary greatness of recognized talent, focus first on primary greatness of character. 它说，如果你想拥有幸福的婚姻，就要成为那种能产生积极能量并避开消极能量的人，而不是助长它。如果你想要一个更愉快、更合作的青少年，就要成为一个更理解、更有同理心、更一致、更有爱的父母。如果你想要更多的自由和工作上的灵活性，就要成为一个更负责任、更乐于助人、更有贡献的员工。如果你想被信任，就要值得信赖。如果你想要被认可的才能的次要伟大，首先要专注于品格的主要伟大。
The Inside-Out approach says that Private Victories TM precede Public Victories TM, that making and keeping promises to ourselves precedes making and keeping promises to others. It says it is futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves. 内外兼修的方法认为，私人胜利 TM 先于公共胜利 TM，向自己许下并履行承诺先于向他人许下并履行承诺。它认为，把个性置于品格之前是徒劳的，在改善自己之前试图改善与他人的关系是无效的。
Inside-Out is a process – a continuing process of renewal based on the natural laws that govern human growth and progress. It’s an upward spiral of growth that leads to progressively higher forms of responsible independence and effective interdependence. 内外兼修是一个过程——一个基于自然法则的持续更新过程，这些法则支配着人类的成长和进步。这是一个向上的成长螺旋，导致逐步更高形式的负责任的独立性和有效的相互依赖。
I have had the opportunity to work with many people – wonderful people, talented people, people who deeply want to achieve happiness and success, people who are searching, people who are hurting. I’ve worked with business executives, college students, church and civic groups, families and marriage partners. And in all of my experience, I have never seen lasting solutions to problems, lasting happiness and success, that came from the outside in. 我有机会与许多人合作——出色的人，才华横溢的人，深切渴望获得幸福和成功的人，正在寻找的人，受伤的人。我与商业高管、大学生、教会和公民团体、家庭和婚姻伴侣合作过。在我所有的经历中，我从未见过来自外部的持久问题解决方案、持久的幸福和成功。
What I have seen result from the outside-in paradigm is unhappy people who feel victimized and immobilized, who focus on the weaknesses of other people and the circumstances they feel are responsible for their own stagnant situation. I’ve seen unhappy marriages where each spouse wants the other to change, where each is confessing the other’s “sins,” where each is trying to shape up the other. I’ve seen labor management disputes where people spend tremendous amounts of time and energy trying to create legislation that would force people to act as though the foundation of trust were really there. 我所看到的外部导向范式的结果是一些不快乐的人，他们感到受害和无能为力，专注于他人的弱点以及他们认为导致自己停滞不前的环境。我见过不幸福的婚姻，夫妻双方都希望对方改变，彼此都在揭露对方的“罪过”，试图改变对方。我见过劳资纠纷，人们花费大量时间和精力试图制定立法，强迫人们表现得好像信任的基础真的存在。
Members of our family have lived in three of the “hottest” spots on earth – South Africa, Israel, and Ireland – and I believe the source of the continuing problems in each of these places has been the dominant social paradigm of outside-in. Each involved group is convinced the problem is “out there” and if “they” (meaning others) would “shape up” or suddenly “ship out” of existence, the problem would be solved. 我们家族的成员曾生活在地球上三个“最热”的地方——南非、以色列和爱尔兰——我相信这些地方持续存在问题的根源在于外部导向的主导社会范式。每个相关群体都坚信问题在“外面”，如果“他们”（指其他人）能够“改正”或突然“消失”，问题就会得到解决。
Inside Out is a dramatic Paradigm Shift for most people, largely because of the powerful impact of conditioning and the current social paradigm of the personality ethic. 《内在的外在》对大多数人来说是一个戏剧性的范式转变，这在很大程度上是因为条件反射的强大影响和当前人格伦理的社会范式。
But from my own experience – both personal and in working with thousands of other people – and from careful examination of successful individuals and societies throughout history, I am persuaded that many of the principles embodied in the Seven Habits are already deep within us, in our conscience and our common sense. To recognize and develop them and to use them in meeting our deepest concerns, we need to think differently, to shift our paradigms to a new, deeper, “Inside-Out” level. 但根据我自己的经验——无论是个人的还是与成千上万其他人合作的经验——以及对历史上成功的个人和社会的仔细研究，我相信《七个习惯》中所体现的许多原则已经深深植根于我们内心，在我们的良知和常识中。为了识别和发展这些原则，并在满足我们最深切的关切时加以运用，我们需要以不同的方式思考，将我们的范式转变为一个新的、更深层次的“内外兼修”水平。
As we sincerely seek to understand and integrate these principles into our lives, I am convinced we will discover and rediscover the truth of T. S. Eliot’s observation: 当我们真诚地寻求理解并将这些原则融入我们的生活时，我相信我们将发现并重新发现 T. S. 艾略特的观察真理：
We must not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time. 我们不能停止探索，我们所有探索的终点将是回到我们开始的地方，并第一次认识这个地方。
The Seven Habits -- An Overview 七个习惯 -- 概述
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. 我们所做的就是我们反复做的事情。因此，卓越不是一种行为，而是一种习惯。
– Aristotl – 亚里士多德
Our character, basically, is a composite of our habits. “Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny,” the maxim goes. 我们的人格基本上是我们习惯的综合体。“播下一个思想，收获一个行动；播下一个行动，收获一个习惯；播下一个习惯，收获一个人格；播下一个人格，收获一个命运，”这句格言说。
Habits are powerful factors in our lives. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character and produce our effectiveness or ineffectiveness. 习惯是我们生活中强大的因素。因为它们是一致的、常常是无意识的模式，它们不断地、每天地表达我们的性格，并产生我们的有效性或无效性。
As Horace Mann, the great educator, once said, “Habits are like a cable. We weave a strand of it everyday and soon it cannot be broken.” I personally do not agree with the last part of his expression. I know they can be broken. Habits can be learned and unlearned. But I also know it isn’t a quick fix. It involves a process and a tremendous commitment. 正如伟大的教育家霍勒斯·曼所说：“习惯就像一根缆绳。我们每天编织一根，最终它就无法被打破。”我个人不同意他表达的最后一部分。我知道习惯是可以被打破的。习惯可以被学习和遗忘。但我也知道这不是一个快速的解决方案。这需要一个过程和巨大的承诺。
Those of us who watched the lunar voyage of Apollo 11 were transfixed as we saw the first men walk on the moon and return to earth. Superlatives such as “fantastic” and “incredible” were inadequate to describe those eventful days. But to get there, those astronauts literally had to break out of the tremendous gravity pull of the earth. More energy was spent in the first few minutes of lift-off, in the first few miles of travel, than was used over the next several days to travel half a million miles. 观看阿波罗 11 号的月球之旅的我们，被看到第一批人类在月球上行走并返回地球的场景深深吸引。诸如“奇妙”和“不可思议”等形容词无法充分描述那些充满事件的日子。但要到达那里，这些宇航员实际上必须突破地球强大的引力。在起飞的头几分钟和前几英里的旅程中消耗的能量，超过了接下来几天内旅行五十万英里所用的能量。
Habits, too, have tremendous gravity pull – more than most people realize or would admit. Breaking deeply imbedded habitual tendencies such as procrastination, impatience, criticalness, or selfishness that violate basic principles of human effectiveness involves more than a little willpower and a few minor changes in our lives. “Lift off” takes a tremendous effort, but once we break out of the gravity pull, our freedom takes on a whole new dimension. 习惯也有巨大的引力——比大多数人意识到或愿意承认的要大。打破深深植根的习惯倾向，如拖延、不耐烦、挑剔或自私，这些都违反了人类有效性的基本原则，涉及的不仅仅是一些意志力和生活中的小改变。“起飞”需要巨大的努力，但一旦我们摆脱了引力的束缚，我们的自由将呈现出全新的维度。
Like any natural force, gravity pull can work with us or against us. The gravity pull of some of our habits may currently be keeping us from going where we want to go. But it is also gravity pull that keeps our world together, that keeps the planets in their orbits and our universe in order. It is a powerful force, and if we use it effectively, we can use the 像任何自然力量一样，重力可以与我们合作或对抗我们。我们某些习惯的重力可能目前正在阻止我们去往我们想去的地方。但正是重力将我们的世界维系在一起，使行星保持在它们的轨道上，使我们的宇宙井然有序。它是一种强大的力量，如果我们有效地利用它，我们可以利用这个
gravity pull of habit to create the cohesiveness and order necessary to establish effectiveness in our lives. 习惯的引力产生了建立我们生活中有效性所需的凝聚力和秩序。
"Habits" Defined “习惯”定义
For our purposes, we will define a habit as the intersection of knowledge, skill, and desire. Knowledge is the theoretical paradigm, the what to do and the why. Skill is the how to do. And desire is the motivation, the want to do. In order to make something a habit in our lives, we have to have all three. 为了我们的目的，我们将习惯定义为知识、技能和欲望的交集。知识是理论范式，即做什么和为什么。技能是如何去做。欲望是动机，即想要去做。为了使某件事成为我们生活中的习惯，我们必须具备这三者。
I may be ineffective in my interactions with my work associates, my spouse, or my children because I constantly tell them what I think, but I never really listen to them. Unless I search out correct principles of human interaction, I may not even know I need to listen. 我在与同事、配偶或孩子的互动中可能会无效，因为我总是告诉他们我的想法，但我从未真正倾听他们。除非我寻找正确的人际交往原则，否则我可能甚至不知道我需要倾听。
Even if I do know that in order to interact effectively with others I really need to listen to them, I may not have the skill. I may not know how to really listen deeply to another human being. 即使我知道为了有效地与他人互动，我确实需要倾听他们，但我可能没有这个技能。我可能不知道如何真正深入地倾听另一个人。
But knowing I need to listen and knowing how to listen is not enough. Unless I want to listen, unless I have the desire, it won’t be a habit in my life. Creating a habit requires work in all three dimensions. 但知道我需要倾听和知道如何倾听是不够的。除非我想倾听，除非我有这个愿望，否则这不会成为我生活中的一种习惯。养成习惯需要在三个维度上付出努力。
The being/seeing change is an upward process – being changing, seeing, which in turn changes being, and so forth, as we move in an upward spiral of growth. By working on knowledge, skill, and desire, we can break through to new levels of personal and interpersonal effectiveness as we break with old paradigms that may have been a source of pseudo-security for years. 存在/看见的变化是一个向上的过程——存在的变化、看见，这反过来又改变存在，依此类推，随着我们在成长的向上螺旋中前进。通过提升知识、技能和欲望，我们可以突破到个人和人际关系效能的新层次，同时打破那些可能多年为我们提供伪安全感的旧范式。
It’s sometimes a painful process. It’s a change that has to be motivated by a higher purpose, by the willingness to subordinate what you think you want now for what you want later. But this process produces happiness, “the object and design of our existence.” Happiness can be defined, in part at least, as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice what we want now for what we want eventually. 有时这是一个痛苦的过程。这是一个必须由更高的目标驱动的变化，必须愿意将你现在认为想要的东西置于次要地位，以追求你将来想要的东西。但这个过程会带来幸福，“我们存在的目标和设计。”幸福可以部分地被定义为愿望和能力的果实，即为了最终想要的东西而牺牲我们现在想要的东西。
The Maturity Continuum TM 成熟度连续体 TM
The Seven Habits are not a set of separate or piecemeal psyche-up formulas. In harmony with the natural laws of growth, they provide an incremental, sequential, highly integrated approach to the development of personal and interpersonal effectiveness. They move us progressively on a Maturity Continuum from dependence to interdependence. 七个习惯不是一套独立或零散的心理激励公式。它们与自然成长法则相协调，提供了一种渐进、顺序、高度整合的方法来发展个人和人际效能。它们使我们在成熟连续体上逐步从依赖走向相互依赖。
We each begin life as an infant, totally dependent on others. We are directed, nurtured, and sustained by others. Without this nurturing, we would only live for a few hours or a few days at the most. 我们每个人的生命开始时都是婴儿，完全依赖他人。我们被他人引导、培养和维持。如果没有这种养育，我们最多只能活几个小时或几天。
Then gradually, over the ensuing months and years, we become more and more independent – physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially – until eventually we can essentially take care of ourselves, becoming inner-directed and self-reliant. 然后，随着接下来的几个月和几年，我们变得越来越独立——在身体上、心理上、情感上和经济上——直到最终我们基本上能够照顾自己，变得内向和自给自足。
As we continue to grow and mature, we become increasingly aware that all of nature is 随着我们不断成长和成熟，我们越来越意识到大自然的一切都是
interdependent, that there is an ecological system that governs nature, including society. We further discover that the higher reaches of our nature have to do with our relationships with others – that human life also is interdependent. 相互依存，存在一个管理自然的生态系统，包括社会。我们进一步发现，我们本性的更高层次与我们与他人的关系有关——人类生活也是相互依存的。
Our growth from infancy to adulthood is in accordance with natural law. And there are many dimensions to growth. Reaching our full physical maturity, for example, does not necessarily assure us of simultaneous emotional or mental maturity. On the other hand, a person’s physical dependence does not mean that he or she is mentally or emotionally immature. 我们从幼年到成年成长是符合自然法则的。成长有许多维度。例如，达到我们身体的完全成熟并不一定保证我们在情感或心理上也同时成熟。另一方面，一个人的身体依赖并不意味着他或她在心理或情感上不成熟。
On the maturity continuum, dependence is the paradigm of you – you take care of me; you come through for me; you didn’t come through; I blame you for the results. Independence is the paradigm of I – I can do it; I am responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose. Interdependence is the paradigm of we – we can do it: we can cooperate; we can combine our talents and abilities and create something greater together. 在成熟度连续体上，依赖是“你”的范式——你照顾我；你支持我；你没有支持我；我责怪你造成的结果。独立是“我”的范式——我可以做到；我负责；我自给自足；我可以选择。相互依赖是“我们”的范式——我们可以做到：我们可以合作；我们可以结合我们的才能和能力，共同创造更伟大的东西。
Dependent people need others to get what they want. Independent people can get what they want through their own effort. Interdependent people combine their own efforts with the efforts of others to achieve their greatest success. 依赖型的人需要他人来获得他们想要的东西。独立型的人可以通过自己的努力获得他们想要的东西。互依型的人将自己的努力与他人的努力结合起来，以实现他们最大的成功。
If I were physically dependent – paralyzed or disabled or limited in some physical way -I would need you to help me. If I were emotionally dependent, my sense of worth and security would come from your opinion of me. If you didn’t like me, it could be devastating. If I were intellectually dependent, I would count on you to do my thinking for me, to think through the issues and problems of my life. 如果我在身体上依赖——瘫痪或残疾或在某种身体上受限——我需要你来帮助我。如果我在情感上依赖，我的自我价值感和安全感将来自于你对我的看法。如果你不喜欢我，那可能会是毁灭性的。如果我在智力上依赖，我会指望你为我思考，思考我生活中的问题和困扰。
If I were independent, physically, I could pretty well make it on my own. Mentally, I could think my own thoughts, I could move from one level of abstraction to another. I could think creatively and analytically and organize and express my thoughts in understandable ways. Emotionally, I would be validated from within. I would be inner directed. My sense of worth would not be a function of being liked or treated well. 如果我独立，身体上，我可以很好地独立生活。心理上，我可以思考自己的想法，可以在不同的抽象层次之间移动。我可以创造性和分析性地思考，并以易于理解的方式组织和表达我的想法。在情感上，我会从内心得到认可。我会内心导向。我的自我价值感不会取决于被喜欢或受到良好对待。
It’s easy to see that independence is much more mature than dependence. Independence is a major achievement in and of itself. But independence is not supreme. 独立显然比依赖更成熟。独立本身就是一个重大的成就。但独立并不是至高无上的。
Nevertheless, the current social paradigm enthrones independence. It is the avowed goal of many individuals and social movements. Most of the self-improvement material puts independence on a pedestal, as though communication, teamwork, and cooperation were lesser values. 然而，当前的社会范式将独立视为至高无上的目标。这是许多个人和社会运动公开宣称的目标。大多数自我提升的材料将独立捧上了神坛，仿佛沟通、团队合作和协作是较低的价值。
Nevertheless, the current social paradigm enthrones independence. It is the avowed goal of many individuals and social movements. Most of the self-improvement material puts independence on a pedestal, as though communication, teamwork, and cooperation were lesser values. 然而，当前的社会范式将独立视为至高无上的目标。这是许多个人和社会运动公开宣称的目标。大多数自我提升的材料将独立捧上了神坛，仿佛沟通、团队合作和协作是较低的价值。
But much of our current emphasis on independence is a reaction to dependence – to having others control us, define us, use us, and manipulate us. The little understood concept of interdependence appears to many to smack of dependence, and therefore, we find people often for selfish reasons, leaving their marriages, abandoning their children, and forsaking all kinds of social responsibility – all in the name of independence. 但我们目前对独立的强调在很大程度上是对依赖的反应——对他人控制我们、定义我们、利用我们和操纵我们的反应。对许多人来说，互依的概念鲜为人知，似乎带有依赖的味道，因此，我们发现人们常常出于自私的理由，离开婚姻，抛弃孩子，放弃各种社会责任——这一切都是以独立的名义进行的。
The kind of reaction that results in people “throwing off their shackles,” becoming “liberated,” “asserting themselves,” and “doing their own thing” often reveals more 这种反应导致人们“摆脱束缚”、“获得解放”、“自我主张”和“做自己想做的事”，往往揭示了更多
fundamental dependencies that cannot be run away from because they are internal rather than external – dependencies such as letting the weaknesses of other people ruin our emotional lives or feeling victimized by people and events out of our control. 无法逃避的基本依赖关系，因为它们是内部的而非外部的——例如，让他人的弱点破坏我们的情感生活，或感到被我们无法控制的人和事件所 victimized。
Of course, we may need to change our circumstances. But the dependence problem is a personal maturity issue that has little to do with circumstances. Even with better circumstances, immaturity and dependence often persist. 当然，我们可能需要改变我们的环境。但依赖问题是一个个人成熟度的问题，与环境关系不大。即使在更好的环境中，不成熟和依赖往往仍然存在。
True independence of character empowers us to act rather than be acted upon. It frees us from our dependence on circumstances and other people and is a worthy, liberating goal. But it is not the ultimate goal in effective living. 真正的性格独立使我们能够主动行动，而不是被动应对。它使我们摆脱对环境和他人的依赖，是一个值得追求的解放目标。但这并不是有效生活的最终目标。
Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won’t be good leaders or team players. They’re not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality. 独立思考本身并不适合相互依存的现实。那些没有成熟思维和行动能力的独立人士可能是优秀的个体生产者，但他们不会成为好的领导者或团队成员。他们并没有来自于成功于婚姻、家庭或组织现实所需的相互依存的范式。
Life is, by nature, highly interdependent. To try to achieve maximum effectiveness through independence is like trying to play tennis with a golf club – the tool is not suited to the reality. 生活本质上是高度相互依存的。试图通过独立来实现最大效能，就像用高尔夫球杆打网球一样——这个工具不适合现实。
Interdependence is a far more mature, more advanced concept. If I am physically interdependent, I am self-reliant and capable, but I also realize that you and I working together can accomplish far more than, even at my best, I could accomplish alone. If I am emotionally interdependent, I derive a great sense of worth within myself, but I also recognize the need for love, for giving, and for receiving love from others. If I am intellectually interdependent, I realize that I need the best thinking of other people to join with my own. 相互依赖是一个更成熟、更先进的概念。如果我在身体上相互依赖，我是自给自足和有能力的，但我也意识到你我一起工作可以完成的事情远远超过我即使在最佳状态下也能单独完成的事情。如果我在情感上相互依赖，我在内心中获得了很大的自我价值感，但我也认识到对爱的需求，给予和接受他人的爱的需求。如果我在智力上相互依赖，我意识到我需要其他人的最佳思维与我自己的思维结合。
As an interdependent person, I have the opportunity to share myself deeply, meaningfully, with others, and I have access to the vast resources and potential of other human beings. 作为一个相互依存的人，我有机会与他人深刻而有意义地分享自己，并且我可以接触到其他人类的丰富资源和潜力。
Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make. Dependent people cannot choose to become interdependent. They don’t have the character to do it; they don’t own enough of themselves. 相互依赖是只有独立的人才能做出的选择。依赖的人无法选择变得相互依赖。他们没有这样的性格；他们对自己没有足够的掌控。
That’s why Habits 1, 2, and 3 in the following chapters deal with self-mastery. They move a person from dependence to independence. They are the “Private Victories,” the essence of character growth. Private Victories precede Public Victories. You can’t invert that process anymore than you can harvest a crop before you plant it. It’s Inside-Out. 这就是为什么接下来的章节中，习惯 1、2 和 3 涉及自我掌控。它们使一个人从依赖走向独立。它们是“私人胜利”，是性格成长的本质。私人胜利先于公共胜利。你不能颠倒这个过程，就像你不能在播种之前收获作物一样。这是从内而外的。
As you become truly independent, you have the foundation for effective interdependence. You have the character base from which you can effectively work on the more personality-oriented “Public Victories” of teamwork, cooperation, and communication in Habits 4, 5, and 6. 当你真正独立时，你就拥有了有效相互依赖的基础。你具备了可以有效地在习惯 4、5 和 6 中处理更注重个性的“公共胜利”的性格基础，这些包括团队合作、协作和沟通。
That does not mean you have to be perfect in Habits 1, 2, and 3 before working on Habits 4,5 , and 6 . 这并不意味着在处理习惯 4、5 和 6 之前，你必须在习惯 1、2 和 3 上做到完美。
Understanding the sequence will help you manage your growth more effectively, but I’m not suggesting that you put yourself in isolation for several years until you fully develop Habits 1, 2, and 3. 理解这个顺序将帮助你更有效地管理你的成长，但我并不是建议你将自己孤立几年，直到你完全养成习惯 1、2 和 3。
As part of an interdependent world, you have to relate to that world every day. But the acute problems of that world can easily obscure the chronic character causes. Understanding how what you are impacts every interdependent interaction will help you to focus your efforts sequentially, in harmony with the natural laws of growth. 作为一个相互依存的世界的一部分，你必须每天与这个世界相关联。但这个世界的急性问题很容易掩盖慢性特征原因。理解你所处的状态如何影响每一个相互依存的互动，将帮助你顺序地集中精力，与自然生长法则和谐相处。
Habit 7 is the habit of renewal – a regular, balanced renewal of the four basic dimensions of life. It circles and embodies all the other habits. It is the habit of continuous improvement that creates the upward spiral of growth that lifts you to new levels of understanding and living each of the habits as you come around to them on a progressively higher plane. 习惯 7 是更新的习惯——对生活四个基本维度的定期、平衡的更新。它环绕并体现了所有其他习惯。这是持续改进的习惯，创造了向上螺旋的成长，使你在逐渐更高的层面上体验每一个习惯，提升到新的理解和生活水平。
The diagram on the next page is a visual representation of the sequence and the interdependence of the Seven Habits, and will be used throughout this book as we explore both the sequential relationship between the habits and also their synergy – how, in relating to each other, they create bold new forms of each other that add even more to their value. Each concept or habit will be highlighted as it is introduced. 下一页的图表是七个习惯的顺序和相互依赖关系的视觉表示，整个书中将使用它来探讨习惯之间的顺序关系以及它们的协同作用——它们如何相互关联，创造出彼此的新形式，从而进一步提升它们的价值。每个概念或习惯在介绍时都会被突出显示。
Effectiveness Defined 有效性定义
The Seven Habits are habits of effectiveness. Because they are based on principles, they bring the maximum long-term beneficial results possible. They become the basis of a person’s character, creating an empowering center of correct maps from which an individual can effectively solve problems, maximize opportunities, and continually learn and integrate other principles in an upward spiral of growth. 七个习惯是有效性的习惯。因为它们基于原则，所以能够带来最大的长期有益结果。它们成为一个人性格的基础，创造出一个赋能的正确地图中心，使个人能够有效地解决问题、最大化机会，并不断学习和整合其他原则，形成向上增长的螺旋。
They are also habits of effectiveness because they are based on a paradigm of effectiveness that is in harmony with a natural law, a principle I call the “P/PC Balance,” which many people break themselves against. This principle can be easily understood by remembering Aesop’s fable of the Goose and the Golden Egg TM. 它们也是有效性的习惯，因为它们基于一个与自然法则和谐的有效性范式，我称之为“P/PC 平衡”，许多人在这个原则上自我破坏。这个原则可以通过记住伊索寓言《鹅与金蛋》TM 来轻松理解。
This fable is the story of a poor farmer who one day discovers in the nest of his pet goose a glittering golden egg. At first, he thinks it must be some kind of trick. But as he starts to throw the egg aside, he has second thoughts and takes it in to be appraised instead. 这个寓言讲述了一个贫穷农民的故事，某天他在自己宠物鹅的巢里发现了一个闪闪发光的金蛋。起初，他认为这一定是某种把戏。但当他开始把蛋扔开时，他又改变了主意，决定把它拿去鉴定。
The egg is pure gold! The farmer can’t believe his good fortune. He becomes even more incredulous the following day when the experience is repeated. Day after day, he awakens to rush to the nest and find another golden egg. He becomes fabulously wealthy; it all seems too good to be true. ...
But with his increasing wealth comes greed and impatience. Unable to wait day after day for the golden eggs, the farmer decides he will kill the goose and get them all at once. But when he opens the goose, he finds it empty. There are no golden eggs – and now there is no way to get any more. The farmer has destroyed the goose that produced them. ...
But as the story shows, true effectiveness is a function of two things: what is produced (the golden eggs) and the producing asset or capacity to produce (the goose). ...
If you adopt a pattern of life that focuses on golden eggs and neglects the goose, you will soon be without the asset that produces golden eggs. On the other hand, if you only take care of the goose with no aim toward the golden eggs, you soon won’t have the wherewithal to feed yourself or the goose. ...
Effectiveness lies in the balance – what I call the P/PC Balance TM. P stands for production of desired results, the golden eggs. PC stands for production capability, the ability or asset that produces the golden eggs. ...
Three Kinds of Assets ...
Basically, there are three kinds of assets: physical, financial, and human. Let’s look at each one in turn. ...
A few years ago, I purchased a physical asset – a power lawn mower. I used it over and over again without doing anything to maintain it. The mower worked well for two seasons, but then it began to break down. When I tried to revive it with service and sharpening, I discovered the engine had lost over half its original power capacity. It was essentially worthless. ...
Had I invested in PC – in preserving and maintaining the asset – I would still be enjoying its P – the mowed lawn. As it was, I had to spend far more time and money replacing the mower than I ever would have spent, had I maintained it. It simply wasn’t effective. ...
In our quest for short-term returns, or results, we often ruin a prized physical asset – a car, a computer, a washer or dryer, even our body or our environment. Keeping P and PC in balance makes a tremendous difference in the effective use of physical assets. ...
It also powerfully impacts the effective use of financial assets. How often do people confuse principal with interest? Have you ever invaded principal to increase your standard of living, to get more golden eggs? The decreasing principal has decreasing power to produce interest or income. And the dwindling capital becomes smaller and smaller until it no longer supplies even our basic needs. ...
Our most important financial asset is our own capacity to earn. If we don’t continually invest in improving our own PC, we severely limit our options. We’re locked into our present situation, running scared of our corporation or our boss’s opinion of us, economically dependent and defensive. Again, it simply isn’t effective. ...
In the human area, the P/PC Balance is equally fundamental, but even more important, because people control physical and financial assets. ...
When two people in a marriage are more concerned about getting the golden eggs, the benefits, than they are in preserving the relationship that makes them possible, they often become insensitive and inconsiderate, neglecting the little kindnesses and courtesies so important to a deep relationship. They begin to use control levers to manipulate each other, to focus on their own needs, to justify their own position and look for evidence to show the wrongness of the other person. The love, the richness, the softness, and spontaneity begin to deteriorate. The goose gets sicker day by day. ...
And what about a parent’s relationship with a child? When children are little, they are very dependent, very vulnerable. It becomes so easy to neglect the PC work – the ...
training, the communicating, the relating, the listening. It’s easy to take advantage, to manipulate, to get what you want the way you want it – right now! You’re bigger, you’re smarter, and you’re right! So why not just tell them what to do? If necessary, yell at them, intimidate them, insist on your way. ...
Or you can indulge them. You can go for the golden egg of popularity, of pleasing them, giving them their way all the time. Then they grow up without a personal commitment to being disciplined or responsible. ...
Either way – authoritarian or permissive – you have the golden egg mentality. You want to have your way or you want to be liked. But what happens, meantime, to the goose? What sense of responsibility, of self-discipline, of confidence in the ability to make good choices or achieve important goals is a child going to have a few years down the road? And what about your relationship? When he reaches those critical teenage years, the identity crises, will he know from his experience with you that you will listen without judging, that you really, deeply care about him as a person, that you can be trusted, no matter what? Will the relationship be strong enough for you to reach him, to communicate with him, to influence him? ...
Suppose you want your daughter to have a clean room – that’s P, production, the golden egg. And suppose you want her to clean it – that’s PC, Production Capability. Your daughter is the goose, the asset, that produces the golden egg. ...
If you have P and PC in balance, she cleans the room cheerfully, without being reminded, because she is committed and has the discipline to stay with the commitment. She is a valuable asset, a goose that can produce golden eggs. ...
But if your paradigm is focused on Production, on getting the room clean, you might find yourself nagging her to do it. You might even escalate your efforts to threatening or yelling, and in your desire to get the golden egg, you undermine the health and welfare of the goose. ...
Let me share with you an interesting PC experience I had with one of my daughters. We were planning a private date, which is something I enjoy regularly with each of my children. We find that the anticipation of the date is as satisfying as the realization. ...
So I approached my daughter and said, “Honey, tonight’s your night. What do you want to do?” ...
“Oh, Dad, that’s okay,” she replied “哦，爸爸，没关系，”她回答道
“No, really,” I said, “What would you like to do?” “不是的，真的，”我说，“你想做什么？”
“Well,” she finally said, “what I want to do, you don’t really want to do.” “好吧，”她终于说，“我想做的事，你其实并不想做。”
“Really, honey,” I said earnestly, “I want to do it. No matter what, it’s your choice.” “真的，亲爱的，”我认真地说，“我想这样做。不管怎样，这是你的选择。”
“I want to go see Star Wars,” she replied. “But I know you don’t like Star Wars. You slept through it before. You don’t like these fantasy movies. That’s okay, Dad.” “我想去看《星球大战》，”她回答说。“但我知道你不喜欢《星球大战》。你之前看过的时候睡着了。你不喜欢这些奇幻电影。没关系，爸爸。”
“No, honey, if that’s what you’d like to do, I’d like to do it.” “不，亲爱的，如果你想这样做，我也想这样做。”
“Dad, don’t worry about it. We don’t always have to have this date.” She paused and then added, “爸爸，别担心。我们不一定非得有这个约会。”她停顿了一下，然后补充道，
“But you know why you don’t like Star Wars? It’s because you don’t understand the philosophy and training of a Jedi Knight.” “但是你知道你为什么不喜欢《星球大战》吗？因为你不理解绝地武士的哲学和训练。”
“What?” “什么？”
“You know the things you teach, Dad? Those are the same things that go into the training of a Jedi Knight.” “你知道你教的那些东西吗，爸爸？那些正是训练绝地武士所需的东西。”
“Really? Let’s go to Star Wars!” “真的吗？我们去看星球大战吧！”
And we did. She sat next me and gave me the paradigm. I became her student, her learner. It was totally fascinating. I could begin to see out of a new paradigm the whole way a Jedi Knight’s basic philosophy in training is manifested in different circumstances. 我们做到了。她坐在我旁边，给了我范式。我成为了她的学生，她的学习者。这完全令人着迷。我开始从一个新的范式中看到绝地武士基本哲学在不同情况下的表现方式。
That experience was not a planned P experience; it was the serendipitous fruit of a PC investment. It was bonding and very satisfying. But we enjoyed golden eggs, too, as the goose – the quality of the relationship – was significantly fed. 那次经历并不是一个计划中的 P 体验；它是一次 PC 投资的意外收获。那是一次亲密而令人满意的经历。但我们也享受到了金蛋，因为鹅——关系的质量——得到了显著的滋养。
Organizational PC 组织 PC
One of the immensely valuable aspects of any correct principle is that it is valid and applicable in a wide variety of circumstances. Throughout this book, I would like to share with you some of the ways in which these principles apply to organizations, including families, as well as to individuals. 任何正确原则的一个极其宝贵的方面是，它在各种情况下都是有效和适用的。在本书中，我想与您分享这些原则如何适用于组织，包括家庭，以及个人的一些方式。
When people fail to respect the P/PC Balance in their use of physical assets in organizations, they decrease organizational effectiveness and often leave others with dying geese. 当人们在组织中使用物理资产时未能尊重 P/PC 平衡时，他们会降低组织的有效性，并常常让他人面临濒临死亡的鹅。
For example, a person in charge of a physical asset, such as a machine, may be eager to make a good impression on his superiors. Perhaps the company is in a rapid growth stage and promotions are coming fast. So he produces at optimum levels – no downtime, no maintenance. He runs the machine day and night. The production is phenomenal, costs are down, and profits skyrocket. Within a short time, he’s promoted. Golden eggs. 例如，负责物理资产（如机器）的人可能渴望在上级面前留下好印象。也许公司正处于快速增长阶段，晋升机会接踵而至。因此，他以最佳水平生产——没有停机，没有维护。他日夜运行机器。生产量惊人，成本下降，利润飙升。在短时间内，他被晋升。金蛋。
But suppose you are his successor on the job. You inherit a very sick goose, a machine that, by this time, is rusted and starts to break down. You have to invest heavily in downtime and maintenance. Costs skyrocket; profits nose-dive. And who gets blamed for the loss of golden eggs? You do. Your predecessor liquidated the asset, but the accounting system only reported unit production, costs, and profit. 但假设你是他的继任者。你继承了一只非常生病的鹅，一台此时已经生锈并开始故障的机器。你必须在停机和维护上投入大量资金。成本飙升；利润暴跌。谁为失去金蛋而受到指责？你。你的前任清算了资产，但会计系统只报告了单位生产、成本和利润。
The P/PC Balance is particularly important as it applies to the human assets of an organization – the customers and the employees. P/PC 平衡特别重要，因为它适用于组织的人力资产——客户和员工。
I know of a restaurant that served a fantastic clam chowder and was packed with customers every day at lunchtime. Then the business was sold, and the new owner focused on golden eggs – he decided to water down the chowder. For about a month, with costs down and revenues constant, profits zoomed. But little by little, the customers began to disappear. Trust was gone, and business dwindled to almost nothing. The new owner tried desperately to reclaim it, but he had neglected the customers, violated their 我知道有一家餐厅，提供美味的蛤蜊浓汤，每天午餐时顾客满满。然后这家店被出售，新老板专注于金蛋——他决定稀释浓汤。大约一个月的时间里，成本降低，收入保持不变，利润猛增。但渐渐地，顾客开始消失。信任不复，生意几乎萎缩到无。新老板拼命想要挽回，但他忽视了顾客，违反了他们的
trust, and lost the asset of customer loyalty. There was no more goose to produce the golden egg. 信任，失去了客户忠诚度的资产。再也没有鹅来下金蛋。
There are organizations that talk a lot about the customer and then completely neglect the people that deal with the customer – the employees. The PC principle is to always treat your employees exactly as you want them to treat your best customers. 有些组织谈论客户很多，但完全忽视了与客户打交道的人——员工。PC 原则是始终以你希望员工对待最佳客户的方式来对待员工。
You can buy a person’s hand, but you can’t buy his heart. His heart is where his enthusiasm, his loyalty is. You can buy his back, but you can’t buy his brain. That’s where his creativity is, his ingenuity, his resourcefulness. 你可以买一个人的手，但你买不到他的心。他的心里有他的热情和忠诚。你可以买他的背，但你买不到他的脑子。那是他的创造力、聪明才智和应变能力所在。
PC work is treating employees as volunteers just as you treat customers as volunteers, because that’s what they are. They volunteer the best part – their hearts and minds. PC 工作是将员工视为志愿者，就像你将客户视为志愿者一样，因为他们就是这样。他们自愿奉献出最好的部分——他们的心灵和思想。
I was in a group once where someone asked, “How do you shape up lazy and incompetent employees?” One man responded, “Drop hand grenades!” Several others cheered that kind of macho management talk, that “shape up or ship out” supervision approach. 我曾经在一个小组中，有人问：“你如何让懒惰和无能的员工改正？”一个人回答：“扔手榴弹！”其他几个人对这种阳刚的管理言论表示欢呼，那种“改正或离开”的监督方式。
But another person in the group asked, “Who picks up the pieces?” 但小组中的另一个人问：“谁来收拾残局？”
“No pieces.” “没有碎片。”
“Well, why don’t you do that to your customers?” the other man replied. “Just say, ‘Listen, if you’re not interested in buying, you can just ship out of this place.’” “好吧，为什么你不对你的客户这样做呢？”另一个人回答说。“直接说，‘听着，如果你不想买，你可以直接离开这个地方。’”
He said, “You can’t do that to customers.” 他说：“你不能这样对待客户。”
“Well, how come you can do it to employees?” “那么，你为什么可以对员工这样做？”
“Because they’re in your employ.” “因为他们在你的雇佣之下。”
“I see. Are your employees devoted to you? Do they work hard? How’s the turnover?” “我明白了。你的员工对你忠诚吗？他们努力工作吗？员工流动率怎么样？”
“Are you kidding? You can’t find good people these days. There’s too much turnover, absenteeism, moonlighting. People just don’t care anymore.” “你在开玩笑吗？现在很难找到好人。流动性太大，缺勤，兼职。人们就是不再在乎了。”
That focus on golden eggs – that attitude, that paradigm – is totally inadequate to tap into the powerful energies of the mind and heart of another person. A short-term bottom line is important, but it isn’t all-important. 那种专注于金蛋的态度和范式完全不足以挖掘另一个人心灵和内心的强大能量。短期的底线很重要，但并不是最重要的。
Effectiveness lies in the balance. Excessive focus on P results in ruined health, worn-out machines, depleted bank accounts, and broken relationships. Too much focus on PC is like a person who runs for three or four hours a day, bragging about the extra 10 years of life it creates, unaware he’s spending them running. Or a person endlessly going to school, never producing, living on other people’s golden eggs – the eternal student syndrome. 有效性在于平衡。过度关注 P 会导致健康受损、机器磨损、银行账户枯竭和人际关系破裂。过于关注 PC 就像一个每天跑三到四小时的人，自夸因此多活了十年，却不知道他是在用跑步来消耗这些年。或者一个无休止上学的人，永远不产生任何成果，依赖他人的金蛋——永恒的学生综合症。
To maintain the P/PC Balance, the balance between the golden egg (Production) and the health and welfare of the goose (Production Capability) is often a difficult judgment call. But I suggest it is the very essence of effectiveness. It balances short term with long term. It balances going for the grade and paying the price to get an education. It balances the 为了维持 P/PC 平衡，黄金蛋（生产）与鹅的健康和福利（生产能力）之间的平衡往往是一个困难的判断。但我认为这正是有效性的本质。它平衡了短期与长期。它平衡了追求成绩与为获得教育付出的代价。它平衡了
desire to have a room clean and the building of a relationship in which the child is internally committed to do it – cheerfully, willingly, without external supervision. 希望有一个干净的房间，以及建立一种关系，使孩子在内心里自愿去做这件事——愉快地、乐意地，无需外部监督。
It’s a principle you can see validated in your own life when you burn the candle at both ends to get more golden eggs and wind up sick or exhausted, unable to produce any at all; or when you get a good night’s sleep and wake up ready to produce throughout the day. 这是一个你可以在自己的生活中验证的原则，当你两头忙碌以获取更多的金蛋，结果却生病或疲惫，完全无法生产时；或者当你睡了个好觉，醒来时准备好全天生产。
You can see it when you press to get your own way with someone and somehow feel an emptiness in the relationship; or when you really take time to invest in a relationship and you find the desire and ability to work together, to communicate, takes a quantum leap. 当你试图让某人顺从你的意愿时，你会看到这一点，并在关系中感到一种空虚；或者当你真正花时间投入一段关系时，你会发现共同合作、沟通的渴望和能力发生了质的飞跃。
The P/PC Balance is the very essence of effectiveness. It’s validated in every arena of life. We can work with it or against it, but it’s there. It’s a lighthouse. It’s the definition and paradigm of effectiveness upon which the Seven Habits in this book are based. P/PC 平衡是有效性的本质。它在生活的每个领域都得到了验证。我们可以与之合作或对抗，但它始终存在。它是一座灯塔。它是本书中七个习惯所基于的有效性的定义和范式。
How to Use This Book 如何使用本书
Before we begin work on the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, I would like to suggest two Paradigm Shifts that will greatly increase the value you will receive from this material. 在我们开始研究《高效能人士的七个习惯》之前，我想建议两个范式转变，这将大大增加你从这份材料中获得的价值。
First, I would recommend that you not “see” this material as a book, in the sense that it is something to read once and put on a shelf. 首先，我建议你不要把这些材料视为一本书，因为它并不是一次性阅读后就可以放在书架上的东西。
You may choose to read it completely through once for a sense of the whole. But the material is designed to be a companion in the continual process of change and growth. It is organized incrementally and with suggestions for application at the end of each habit so that you can study and focus on any particular habit as you are ready. 您可以选择完整阅读一次，以便了解整体。但这些材料旨在成为您持续变化和成长过程中的伴侣。它是逐步组织的，并在每个习惯的末尾提供应用建议，以便您可以在准备好时研究和专注于任何特定的习惯。
As you progress to deeper levels of understanding and implementation, you can go back time and again to the principles contained in each habit and work to expand your knowledge, skill, and desire. 随着你对理解和实施的深入，你可以一次又一次地回到每个习惯中所包含的原则，并努力扩展你的知识、技能和愿望。
Second, I would suggest that you shift your paradigm of your own involvement in this material from the role of learner to that of teacher. Take an Inside-Out approach, and read with the purpose in mind of sharing or discussing what you learn with someone else within 48 hours after you learn it. 其次，我建议你将自己在这份材料中的参与范式从学习者的角色转变为教师的角色。采取一种自内而外的方法，带着与他人分享或讨论你所学内容的目的进行阅读，最好在你学习后的 48 小时内进行。
If you had known, for example, that you would be teaching the material on the P/PC Balance Principle to someone else within 48 hours, would it have made a difference in your reading experience? 如果你知道，例如，在 48 小时内你将把 P/PC 平衡原则的材料教给别人，这会对你的阅读体验产生影响吗？
Try it now as you read the final section in this chapter. Read as though you are going to teach it to your spouse, your child, a business associate, or a friend today or tomorrow, while it is still fresh, and notice the difference in your mental and emotional process. 现在就试试，当你阅读本章的最后一部分时。像是要把它教给你的配偶、孩子、商业伙伴或朋友一样阅读，今天或明天，在它仍然新鲜的时候，注意你在思维和情感过程中的变化。
I guarantee that if you approach the material in each of the following chapters in this way, you will not only better remember what you read, but your perspective will be expanded, your understanding deepened, and your motivation to apply the material increased. 我保证，如果你以这种方式接触以下每一章的内容，你不仅会更好地记住你所阅读的内容，而且你的视野将会拓宽，理解将会加深，应用这些材料的动机会增加。
In addition, as you openly, honestly share what you’re learning with others, you may be surprised to find that negative labels or perceptions others may have of you tend to 此外，当你坦诚地与他人分享你所学到的东西时，你可能会惊讶地发现，别人对你的负面标签或看法往往会
disappear. Those you teach will see you as a changing, growing person, and will be more inclined to be helpful and supportive as you work, perhaps together, to integrate the Seven Habits into your lives. 消失。你所教导的人会将你视为一个不断变化、成长的人，他们会更倾向于在你工作时提供帮助和支持，也许是一起将七个习惯融入到你们的生活中。
What You Can Expect 你可以期待什么
In the last analysis, as Marilyn Ferguson observed, "No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal. 在最后的分析中，正如玛丽莲·弗格森所观察到的，“没有人能说服另一个人改变。我们每个人都守护着一个只能从内部打开的改变之门。我们无法通过争论或情感诉求打开他人的大门。”
If you decide to open your “gate of change” to really understand and live the principles embodied in the Seven Habits, I feel comfortable in assuring you several positive things will happen. 如果你决定打开你的“改变之门”，真正理解并践行《七个习惯》中所体现的原则，我可以放心地告诉你，几件积极的事情将会发生。
First, your growth with be evolutionary, but the net effect will be revolutionary. Would you not agree that the P/PC Balance principle alone, if fully lived, would transform most individuals and organizations? 首先，你的成长将是渐进的，但最终效果将是革命性的。你不认为仅仅是 P/PC 平衡原则，如果完全践行，将会改变大多数个人和组织吗？
The net effect of opening the “gate of change” to the first three habits – the habits of Private Victory – will be significantly increased self-confidence. You will come to know yourself in a deeper, more meaningful way – your nature, your deepest values and your unique contribution capacity. As you live your values, your sense of identity, integrity, control, and inner-directedness will infuse you with both exhilaration and peace. You will define yourself from within, rather than by people’s opinions or by comparisons to others. “Wrong” and “right” will have little to do with being found out. 打开“变革之门”以接纳前三个习惯——私人胜利的习惯——的净效应将显著增强自信心。你将以更深刻、更有意义的方式认识自己——你的本性、你最深的价值观和你独特的贡献能力。当你活出你的价值观时，你的身份感、完整性、控制感和内在导向感将使你充满兴奋与平静。你将从内心定义自己，而不是通过他人的意见或与他人的比较。“错误”和“正确”与被发现几乎没有关系。
Ironically, you’ll find that as you care less about what others think of you; you will care more about what others think of themselves and their worlds, including their relationship with you. You’ll no longer build your emotional life on other people’s weaknesses. In addition, you’ll find it easier and more desirable to change because there is something -some core deep within – that is essentially changeless. 具有讽刺意味的是，当你对他人对你的看法不再那么在意时，你会更加关心他人对自己及其世界的看法，包括他们与你的关系。你将不再以他人的弱点为基础来构建你的情感生活。此外，你会发现改变变得更容易、更可取，因为内心深处有某种本质上不变的核心。
As you open yourself to the next three habits – the habits of Public Victory – you will discover and unleash both the desire and the resources to heal and rebuild important relationships that have deteriorated, or even broken. Good relationships will improve -become deeper, more solid, more creative, and more adventuresome. 当你向接下来的三个习惯——公共胜利的习惯——敞开心扉时，你将发现并释放出修复和重建重要关系的愿望和资源，这些关系可能已经恶化，甚至破裂。良好的关系将得到改善——变得更深厚、更稳固、更具创造性和更具冒险精神。
The seventh habit, if deeply internalized, will renew the first six and will make you truly independent and capable of effective interdependence. Through it, you can charge your own batteries. 第七个习惯，如果深入内化，将会更新前六个习惯，使你真正独立并能够有效地相互依赖。通过它，你可以为自己充电。
Whatever your present situation, I assure you that you are not your habits. You can replace old patterns of self-defeating behavior with new patterns, new habits of effectiveness, happiness, and trust-based relationships. 无论你目前的情况如何，我向你保证，你并不是你的习惯。你可以用新的模式、新的有效性、幸福和基于信任的关系的习惯来替代旧的自我挫败行为模式。
With genuine caring, I encourage you to open the gate of change and growth as you study these habits. Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground. There’s no greater investment. 怀着真诚的关怀，我鼓励你在学习这些习惯时打开改变和成长的大门。对自己要有耐心。自我成长是温柔的；这是神圣的领域。没有比这更大的投资。
It’s obviously not a quick fix. But I assure you, you will feel benefits and see immediate payoffs that will be encouraging. In the words of Thomas Paine, “That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly. It is dearness only which gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price on its goods.” 这显然不是一个快速解决方案。但我向你保证，你会感受到好处，并看到立即的回报，这将是令人鼓舞的。用托马斯·潘恩的话说：“我们获得的东西太容易，我们就太轻视它。只有珍贵的东西才赋予一切其价值。上天知道如何为其商品定一个合适的价格。”
Part Two 第二部分
Private Victory 私人胜利
Habit 1: Be Proactive --Principles of Personal Visio 习惯 1：主动出击 -- 个人愿景原则
I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor. 我不知道还有什么比人类通过有意识的努力提升生活的无可争议的能力更令人鼓舞的事实。
– Henry David Thorea – 亨利·大卫·梭罗
As you read this book, try to stand apart from yourself. Try to project your consciousness upward into a corner of the room and see yourself, in your mind’s eye, reading. Can you look at yourself almost as though you were someone else? 在你阅读这本书时，试着与自己保持距离。试着将你的意识投射到房间的一个角落，想象自己在阅读。你能否几乎像看别人一样看自己？
Now try something else. Think about the mood you are now in. Can you identify it? What are you feeling? How would you describe your present mental state Now think for a minute about how your mind is working. Is it quick and alert? Do you sense that you are torn between doing this mental exercise and evaluating the point to be made out of it? 现在尝试一些其他的事情。想想你现在的心情。你能识别出来吗？你有什么感觉？你会如何描述你目前的心理状态？现在想一分钟，思考一下你的思维是如何运作的。它是快速而警觉的吗？你是否感觉到你在进行这个心理练习和评估其意义之间感到矛盾？
Your ability to do what you just did is uniquely human. Animals do not possess this ability. We call it “self-awareness” or the ability to think about your very thought process. This is the reason why man has dominion over all things in the world and why he can make significant advances from generation to generation. 你刚才所做的事情的能力是独特的人类特征。动物不具备这种能力。我们称之为“自我意识”或思考自己思维过程的能力。这就是人类为何能主宰世界万物，以及为何能够在代际之间取得显著进步的原因。
This is why we can evaluate and learn from others’ experiences as well as our own. This is also why we can make and break our habits. We are not our feelings. We are not our moods. We are not even our thoughts. The very fact that we can think about these things separates us from them and from the animal world. Self-awareness enables us to stand apart and examine even the way we “see” ourselves – our paradigm, the most fundamental paradigm of effectiveness. It affects not only our attitudes and behaviors, but also how we see other people. It becomes our map of the basic nature of mankind. 这就是为什么我们可以评估和学习他人的经验以及我们自己的经验。这也是为什么我们可以形成和打破我们的习惯。我们不是我们的感受。我们不是我们的情绪。我们甚至不是我们的思想。我们能够思考这些事情的事实使我们与它们以及动物世界分开。自我意识使我们能够独立出来，甚至审视我们“看”自己方式——我们的范式，最基本的有效性范式。它不仅影响我们的态度和行为，还影响我们如何看待其他人。它成为我们对人类基本本质的地图。
In fact, until we take how we see ourselves (and how we see others) into account, we will be unable to understand how others see and feel about themselves and their world. Unaware, we will be unable to understand how others see and feel about themselves and their world. Unaware, we will project our intentions on their behavior and call ourselves objective. 事实上，直到我们考虑到自己如何看待自己（以及我们如何看待他人），我们将无法理解他人如何看待和感受自己及他们的世界。无意识中，我们将无法理解他人如何看待和感受自己及他们的世界。无意识中，我们会将我们的意图投射到他们的行为上，并称自己为客观。
This significantly limits our personal potential and our ability to relate to others as well. But because of the unique human capacity of self-awareness, we can examine our paradigms to determine whether they are reality- or principle-based or if they are a function of conditioning and conditions. 这显著限制了我们的个人潜力以及与他人建立关系的能力。但由于人类独特的自我意识能力，我们可以审视我们的范式，以确定它们是基于现实还是原则，还是条件和环境的产物。
The Social Mirror 社会镜子
If the only vision we have of ourselves comes from the social mirror – from the current social paradigm and from the opinions, perceptions, and paradigms of the people around us – our view of ourselves is like the reflection in the crazy mirror room at the carnival. 如果我们对自己的唯一看法来自社会的镜子——来自当前的社会范式以及周围人们的意见、看法和范式——那么我们对自己的看法就像是在狂欢节的疯狂镜子房间中的倒影。
“Why can’t you ever keep things in order?” “你为什么总是无法把事情整理好？”
“You must be an artist!” “你一定是个艺术家！”
“You eat like a horse!” “你吃得像马一样！”
“I can’t believe you won!” “我真不敢相信你赢了！”
“This is so simple. Why can’t you understand?” “这太简单了。你为什么不能理解？”
These visions are disjointed and out of proportion. They are often more projections than reflections, projecting the concerns and character weaknesses of people giving the input rather than accurately reflecting what we are. 这些视野是支离破碎且不成比例的。它们往往更多是投射而非反映，投射出提供输入的人的担忧和性格弱点，而不是准确反映我们是什么。
The reflection of the current social paradigm tells us we are largely determined by conditioning and conditions. While we have acknowledged the tremendous power of conditioning in our lives, to say that we are determined by it, that we have no control over that influence, creates quite a different map. 当前社会范式的反映告诉我们，我们在很大程度上是由条件和环境所决定的。虽然我们已经承认了条件在我们生活中的巨大影响力，但如果说我们被它所决定，认为我们对这种影响没有控制权，这就形成了一个截然不同的图景。
There are actually three social maps – three theories of determinism widely accepted, independently or in combination, to explain the nature of man. Genetic determinism basically says your grandparents did it to you. That’s why you have such a temper. Your grandparents had short tempers and it’s in your DNA. It just goes through the generations and you inherited it. In addition, you’re Irish, and that’s the nature of Irish people. 实际上有三种社会地图——三种广泛接受的决定论理论，独立或结合在一起，用以解释人性的本质。遗传决定论基本上说是你的祖父母造成了你这样的性格。这就是为什么你脾气如此暴躁。你的祖父母脾气短促，这在你的 DNA 中。它就这样代代相传，你继承了它。此外，你是爱尔兰人，这就是爱尔兰人的本性。
Psychic determinism basically says your parents did it to you. Your upbringing, your childhood experience essentially laid out your personal tendencies and your character structure. That’s why you’re afraid to be in front of a group. It’s the way your parents brought you up. You feel terribly guilty if you make a mistake because you “remember” deep inside the emotional scripting when you were very vulnerable and tender and dependent. You “remember” the emotional punishment, the rejection, the comparison with somebody else when you didn’t perform as well as expected. 心理决定论基本上说是你的父母造成了这一切。你的成长经历、童年经历本质上奠定了你的个人倾向和性格结构。这就是为什么你害怕在一群人面前。那是你父母抚养你的方式。如果你犯了错误，你会感到非常内疚，因为你“记得”在你非常脆弱、温柔和依赖的时候，内心深处的情感剧本。你“记得”情感上的惩罚、被拒绝，以及当你表现不如预期时与其他人的比较。
Environmental determinism basically says your boss is doing to you – or your spouse, or that bratty teenager, or your economic situation, or national policies. Someone or something in your environment is responsible for your situation. 环境决定论基本上说的是，你的老板在对你做的事情——或者你的配偶，或者那个顽皮的青少年，或者你的经济状况，或者国家政策。你周围的某个人或某件事对你的处境负责。
Each of these maps is based on the stimulus/response theory we most often think of in connection with Pavlov’s experiments with dogs. The basic idea is that we are conditioned to respond in a particular way to a particular stimulus. 这些地图都是基于我们最常与巴甫洛夫的狗实验联系在一起的刺激/反应理论。基本思想是我们被条件反射地以特定方式对特定刺激作出反应。
How accurately and functionally do these deterministic maps describe the territory? How clearly do these mirrors reflect the true nature of man? Do they become self-fulfilling prophecies? Are they based on principles we can validate within ourselves? 这些确定性映射在多大程度上准确和功能性地描述了领土？这些镜子多清晰地反映了人类的真实本性？它们是否成为自我实现的预言？它们是否基于我们可以在自己身上验证的原则？
Between Stimulus and Response 刺激与反应之间
In answer to those questions, let me share with you the catalytic story of Viktor Frankl. 为了回答这些问题，让我与您分享维克多·弗兰克尔的催化故事。
Frankl was a determinist raised in the tradition of Freudian psychology, which postulates that whatever happens to you as a child shapes your character and personality and basically governs your whole life. The limits and parameters of your life are set, and, basically, you can’t do much about it. Frankl was also a psychiatrist and a Jew. He was imprisoned in the death camps of Nazi Germany, where he experienced things that were so repugnant to our sense of decency that we shudder to even repeat them. 弗兰克尔是一位决定论者，成长于弗洛伊德心理学的传统中，该理论认为，童年时期发生的事情塑造了你的性格和个性，并基本上支配了你的一生。你生活的界限和参数是固定的，基本上，你对此无能为力。弗兰克尔还是一名精神病学家和犹太人。他曾被囚禁在纳粹德国的死亡营中，经历了让我们感到厌恶到不敢重复的事情。
His parents, his brother, and his wife died in the camps or were sent to the gas ovens. Except for his sister, his entire family perished. Frankl himself suffered torture and innumerable indignities, never knowing from one moment to the next if his path would lead to the ovens or if he would be among the “saved” who would remove the bodies or shovel out the ashes of those so fated. 他的父母、兄弟和妻子在集中营中死去或被送往毒气室。除了他的妹妹，他的整个家庭都遭遇了灭亡。弗兰克尔本人遭受了折磨和无数的屈辱，时刻不知道自己是否会走向毒气室，或者是否会成为那些“被拯救”的人，去搬运尸体或铲除那些命运如此的人们的灰烬。
One day, naked and alone in a small room, he began to become aware of what he later called “the last of the human freedoms” – the freedom his Nazi captors could not take away. They could control his entire environment, they could do what they wanted to his body, but Viktor Frankl himself was a self-aware being who could look as an observer at his very involvement. His basic identity was intact. He could decide within himself how all of this was going to affect him. Between what happened to him, or the stimulus, and his response to it, was his freedom or power to choose that response. 有一天，他赤裸裸地独自待在一个小房间里，开始意识到他后来称之为“人类最后的自由”——纳粹囚禁者无法剥夺的自由。他们可以控制他整个环境，可以对他的身体为所欲为，但维克多·弗兰克尔本人是一个自我意识的存在，可以作为观察者看待他自己的参与。他的基本身份是完整的。他可以在内心决定这一切将如何影响他。在发生在他身上的事情或刺激与他对此的反应之间，是他选择这种反应的自由或能力。
In the midst of his experiences, Frankl would project himself into different circumstances, such as lecturing to his students after his release from the death camps. He would describe himself in the classroom, in his mind’s eye, and give his students the lessons he was learning during his very torture. 在经历中，弗兰克尔会将自己投射到不同的情境中，比如在他从死亡营释放后给学生讲课。他会在脑海中描绘自己在课堂上的样子，并将他在极度折磨中学到的课程传授给学生。
Through a series of such disciplines – mental, emotional, and moral, principally using memory and imagination – he exercised his small, embryonic freedom until it grew larger and larger, until he had more freedom than his Nazi captors. They had more liberty, more options to choose from in their environment; but he had more freedom, more internal power to exercise his options. He became an inspiration to those around him, even to some of the guards. He helped others find meaning in their suffering and dignity in their prison existence. 通过一系列这样的训练——心理、情感和道德，主要利用记忆和想象——他锻炼了他微小的、初步的自由，直到它越来越大，直到他拥有比他的纳粹看守更多的自由。他们在环境中有更多的自由，更多的选择；但他拥有更多的自由，更多的内在力量来行使他的选择。他成为了周围人的灵感，甚至对一些看守也是如此。他帮助他人找到痛苦中的意义和监禁生活中的尊严。
In the midst of the most degrading circumstances imaginable, Frankl used the human endowment of self-awareness to discover a fundamental principle about the nature of man: Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose. 在最卑微的环境中，弗兰克尔利用人类自我意识的天赋发现了关于人性的一条基本原则：在刺激与反应之间，人有选择的自由。
Within the freedom to choose are those endowments that make us uniquely human. In addition to self-awareness, we have imagination – the ability to create in our minds beyond our present reality. We have conscience – a deep inner awareness of right and wrong, of the principles that govern our behavior, and a sense of the degree to which our thoughts and actions are in harmony with them. And we have independent will – the ability to act based on our self-awareness, free of all other influences. 在选择的自由中，有那些使我们独特的人性赋予。除了自我意识，我们还有想象力——在我们心中超越当前现实的创造能力。我们有良知——对是非的深刻内在意识，对支配我们行为的原则的认识，以及对我们的思想和行为与这些原则的和谐程度的感知。我们还有独立意志——基于自我意识行动的能力，摆脱所有其他影响。
Even the most intelligent animals have none of these endowments. To use a computer metaphor, they are programmed by instinct and/or training. They can be trained to be responsible, but they can’t take responsibility for that training; in other words, they can’t direct it. They can’t change the programming. They’re not even aware of it. 即使是最聪明的动物也没有这些天赋。用计算机的比喻来说，它们是通过本能和/或训练进行编程的。它们可以被训练得负责任，但它们无法为这种训练负责；换句话说，它们无法指导它。它们无法改变编程。它们甚至对此毫不知情。
But because of our unique human endowments, we can write new programs for ourselves totally apart from our instincts and training. This is why an animal’s capacity is relatively limited and man’s is unlimited. But if we live like animals, out of our own 但由于我们独特的人类天赋，我们可以为自己编写全然独立于本能和训练的新程序。这就是为什么动物的能力相对有限，而人类的能力是无限的。但如果我们像动物一样生活，脱离我们自己
instincts and conditioning and conditions, out of our collective memory, we too will be limited. 本能和条件反射以及条件，如果脱离我们的集体记忆，我们也将受到限制。
The deterministic paradigm comes primarily from the study of animals – rats, monkeys, pigeons, dogs – and neurotic and psychotic people. While this may meet certain criteria of some researchers because it seems measurable and predictable, the history of mankind and our own self-awareness tell us that this map doesn’t describe the territory at all! 决定论范式主要来源于对动物——老鼠、猴子、鸽子、狗——以及神经质和精神病患者的研究。虽然这可能符合某些研究者的标准，因为它似乎是可测量和可预测的，但人类的历史和我们自身的自我意识告诉我们，这张地图根本无法描述领土！
Our unique human endowments lift us above the animal world. The extent to which we exercise and develop these endowments empowers us to fulfill our uniquely human potential. Between stimulus and response is our greatest power – the freedom to choose. 我们独特的人类天赋使我们超越动物世界。我们行使和发展这些天赋的程度使我们能够实现我们独特的人类潜能。在刺激与反应之间是我们最大的力量——选择的自由。
"Proactivity" Defined “主动性”定义
In discovering the basic principle of the nature of man, Frankl described an accurate selfmap from which he began to develop the first and most basic habit of a highly effective person in any environment, the habit of Proactivity. 在发现人性基本原则时，弗兰克尔描述了一个准确的自我地图，从中他开始发展在任何环境中高度有效的人的第一个也是最基本的习惯，即主动性习惯。
While the word proactivity is now fairly common in management literature, it is a word you won’t find in most dictionaries. It means more than merely taking initiative. It means that as human beings, we are responsible for our own lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen. 虽然“主动性”这个词在管理文献中现在相当常见，但在大多数词典中你找不到这个词。它的意思不仅仅是采取主动。它意味着作为人类，我们对自己的生活负责。我们的行为是我们决策的结果，而不是我们所处的环境。我们可以将情感服从于价值观。我们有主动权和责任去实现事情。
Look at the word responsibility – “response-ability” – the ability to choose your response. Highly proactive people recognize that responsibility. They do not blame circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behavior. Their behavior is a product of their own conscious choice, based on values, rather than a product of their conditions, based on feeling. 看看“责任”这个词——“反应能力”——选择你反应的能力。高度积极主动的人认识到这一点。他们不把自己的行为归咎于环境、条件或习惯。他们的行为是基于价值观的自我意识选择的产物，而不是基于感觉的条件的产物。
Because we are, by nature, proactive, if our lives are a function of conditioning and conditions, it is because we have, by conscious decision or by default, chosen to empower those things to control us. 因为我们天生是积极主动的，如果我们的生活是由条件和环境决定的，那是因为我们通过有意识的选择或默认，选择了让这些东西来控制我们。
In making such a choice, we become reactive. Reactive people are often affected by their physical environment. If the weather is good, they feel good. If it isn’t, it affects their attitude and their performance. Proactive people can carry their own weather with them. Whether it rains or shines makes no difference to them. They are value driven; and if their value is to produce good quality work, it isn’t a function of whether the weather is conducive to it or not. 在做出这样的选择时，我们变得反应性。反应性的人往往受到他们物理环境的影响。如果天气好，他们感觉很好。如果天气不好，这会影响他们的态度和表现。主动的人可以随身携带自己的天气。无论是下雨还是晴天，对他们来说都没有区别。他们以价值为驱动；如果他们的价值是生产高质量的工作，那么这与天气是否有利于此无关。
Reactive people are also affected by their social environment, by the “social weather.” When people treat them well, they feel well; when people don’t, they become defensive or protective. Reactive people build their emotional lives around the behavior of others, empowering the weaknesses of other people to control them. 反应性的人也受到他们的社会环境的影响，即“社会气候”。当人们对他们很好时，他们感觉良好；当人们不好时，他们会变得防御或保护自己。反应性的人围绕他人的行为构建他们的情感生活，利用他人的弱点来控制他们。
The ability to subordinate an impulse to a value is the essence of the proactive person. Reactive people are driven by feelings, by circumstances, by conditions, by their environment. Proactive people are driven by values – carefully thought about, selected and internalized values. 将冲动服从于价值观的能力是积极主动者的本质。反应型的人受到情感、环境、条件和周围环境的驱动。积极主动的人则受到价值观的驱动——经过深思熟虑、选择和内化的价值观。
Proactive people are still influenced by external stimuli, whether physical, social, or psychological. But their response to the stimuli, conscious or unconscious, is a valuebased choice or response. 积极主动的人仍然会受到外部刺激的影响，无论是身体的、社会的还是心理的。但他们对这些刺激的反应，无论是有意识的还是无意识的，都是基于价值观的选择或反应。
As Eleanor Roosevelt observed, “No one can hurt you without your consent.” In the words of Gandhi, “They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them.” It is our willing permission, our consent to what happens to us, that hurts us far more than what happens to us in the first place. 正如埃莉诺·罗斯福所观察到的：“没有你的同意，没人能伤害你。”用甘地的话说：“如果我们不把它给他们，他们就无法剥夺我们的自尊。”是我们自愿的许可，是我们对发生在我们身上的事情的同意，远比发生在我们身上的事情本身更能伤害我们。
I admit this is very hard to accept emotionally, especially if we have had years and years of explaining our misery in the name of circumstance or someone else’s behavior. But until a person can say deeply and honestly, “I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday,” that person cannot say, “I choose otherwise.” 我承认这在情感上很难接受，特别是如果我们已经花了多年时间在环境或他人行为的名义下解释我们的痛苦。但是，直到一个人能够深刻而诚实地说：“我今天的样子是因为我昨天做出的选择，”那个人就无法说：“我选择其他。”
Once in Sacramento when I was speaking on the subject of Proactivity, a woman in the audience stood up in the middle of my presentation and started talking excitedly. It was a large audience, and as a number of people turned to look at her, she suddenly became aware of what she was doing, grew embarrassed and sat back down. But she seemed to find it difficult to restrain herself and started talking to the people around her. She seemed so happy. 有一次在萨克拉门托，当我在讲述主动性这个主题时，观众中有一位女士在我演讲的中间站起来，兴奋地开始讲话。观众人数众多，随着许多人转过头来看她，她突然意识到自己在做什么，感到尴尬，坐了回去。但她似乎很难控制自己，开始和周围的人交谈。她看起来非常开心。
I could hardly wait for a break to find out what had happened. When it finally came, I immediately went to her and asked if she would be willing to share her experience. 我几乎等不及要休息一下，想知道发生了什么。当休息终于到来时，我立刻去找她，问她是否愿意分享她的经历。
“You just can’t imagine what’s happened to me!” she exclaimed. "I’m a full-time nurse to the most miserable, ungrateful man you can possibly imagine. Nothing I do is good enough for him. He never expresses appreciation; he hardly even acknowledges me. He constantly harps at me and finds fault with everything I do. This man has made my life miserable and I often take my frustration out on my family. The other nurses feel the same way. We almost pray for his demise. “你根本无法想象我经历了什么！”她惊呼道。“我是一名全职护士，照顾着一个你能想象到的最可怜、最忘恩负义的男人。我做的任何事情对他来说都不够好。他从不表示感激，几乎连我都不承认。他不断地对我唠叨，挑剔我做的每一件事。这个人让我的生活痛苦不堪，我常常把我的沮丧发泄到我的家人身上。其他护士也有同样的感觉。我们几乎在祈祷他的去世。”
"And for you to have the gall to stand up there and suggest that nothing can hurt me, that no one can hurt me without my consent, and that I have chosen my own emotional life of being miserable – well, there was just no way I could buy into that. “而你竟然有胆量站在那里暗示没有什么能伤害我，没有人能在我同意的情况下伤害我，并且我选择了自己痛苦的情感生活——好吧，我根本无法接受这一点。”
“But I kept thinking about it. I really went inside myself and began to ask, 'Do I have the power to choose my response?” “但我一直在思考这个问题。我真的深入内心，开始问自己，‘我有能力选择我的反应吗？’”
"When I finally realized that I do have that power, when I swallowed that bitter pill and realized that I had chosen to be miserable, I also realized that I could choose not to be miserable. "当我最终意识到我确实拥有那种力量，当我吞下那颗苦涩的药丸并意识到我选择了痛苦时，我也意识到我可以选择不痛苦。"
“At that moment I stood up. I felt as though I was being let out of San Quentin. I wanted to yell to the whole world, ‘I am free! I am let out of prison! No longer am I going to be controlled by the treatment of some person.’” “在那一刻，我站了起来。我感觉就像是被放出了圣昆丁。我想对全世界大喊，‘我自由了！我从监狱里出来了！我不再受某个人的治疗控制！’”
It’s not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us. Of course, things can hurt us physically or economically and can cause sorrow. But our character, our basic identity, does not have to be hurt at all. In fact, our most difficult experiences become the crucibles that forge our character and develop the internal powers, the freedom to handle difficult circumstances in the future and to inspire others to do so as well. 发生在我们身上的事情并不会伤害我们，伤害我们的其实是我们对这些事情的反应。当然，事情可以在身体上或经济上伤害我们，并造成悲伤。但我们的性格，我们的基本身份，完全不必受到伤害。事实上，我们最艰难的经历成为锻造我们性格的熔炉，发展出内在的力量，让我们在未来应对困难的环境时拥有自由，并激励他人也这样做。
Frankl is one of many who have been able to develop the personal freedom in difficult circumstances to lift and inspire others. The autobiographical accounts of Vietnam prisoners of war provide additional persuasive testimony of the transforming power of 弗兰克尔是许多能够在艰难环境中发展个人自由，以激励和鼓舞他人的人之一。越南战俘的自传性叙述提供了关于转变力量的额外有说服力的证据。
such personal freedom and the effect of the responsible use of that freedom on the prison culture and on the prisoners, both then and now. 这种个人自由以及这种自由的负责任使用对监狱文化和囚犯的影响，无论是过去还是现在。
We have all known individuals in very difficult circumstances, perhaps with a terminal illness or a severe physical handicap, who maintain magnificent emotional strength. How inspired we are by their integrity! Nothing has a greater, longer lasting impression upon another person than the awareness that someone has transcended suffering, has transcended circumstance, and is embodying and expressing a value that inspires and ennobles and lifts life. 我们都认识一些处于非常困难境地的人，也许是患有绝症或严重身体残疾，但他们依然保持着巨大的情感力量。他们的正直让我们多么受鼓舞！没有什么比意识到某人超越了痛苦、超越了境遇，并体现和表达出一种激励人心、使人高尚并提升生活的价值，更能给他人留下更深远的印象。
One of the most inspiring times Sandra and I have ever had took place over a four-year period with a dear friend of ours named Carol, who had a wasting cancer disease. She had been one of Sandra’s bridesmaids, and they had been best friends for over 25 years. 桑德拉和我经历过的最鼓舞人心的时光之一是在四年的时间里与我们亲爱的朋友卡罗尔一起度过的，她患有消耗性癌症。她曾是桑德拉的伴娘，她们已经是最好的朋友超过 25 年。
When Carol was in the very last stages of the disease, Sandra spent time at her bedside helping her write her personal history. She returned from those protracted and difficult sessions almost transfixed by admiration for her friend’s courage and her desire to write special messages to be given to her children at different stages in their lives. 当卡罗尔处于疾病的最后阶段时，桑德拉在她的床边陪伴她，帮助她撰写个人历史。她从那些漫长而艰难的时光中回来时，几乎被对朋友勇气的钦佩和她希望为孩子们在不同人生阶段写下特别信息的愿望所吸引。
Carol would take as little pain-killing medication as possible so that she had full access to her mental and emotional faculties. Then she would whisper into a tape recorder or to Sandra directly as she took notes. Carol was so proactive, so brave, and so concerned about others that she became an enormous source of inspiration to many people around her. 卡罗尔会尽量少服用止痛药，以便她能够充分发挥自己的思维和情感能力。然后，她会对着录音机或直接对桑德拉低声说话，同时做笔记。卡罗尔如此积极、勇敢，并且关心他人，以至于她成为了周围许多人巨大的灵感来源。
I’ll never forget the experience of looking deeply into Carol’s eyes the day before she passed away and sensing out of that deep hollowed agony a person of tremendous intrinsic worth. I could see in her eyes a life of character, contribution, and service as well as love, concern, and appreciation. 我永远不会忘记在卡罗尔去世前一天深深凝视她的眼睛的经历，从那深深的空洞痛苦中感受到一个具有巨大内在价值的人。我能在她的眼中看到一个充满品格、贡献和服务的生命，以及爱、关心和感激。
Many times over the years, I have asked groups of people how many have ever experienced being in the presence of a dying individual who had a magnificent attitude and communicated love and compassion and served in unmatchable ways to the very end. Usually, about one-fourth of the audience respond in the affirmative. I then ask how many of them will never forget these individuals – how many were transformed, at least temporarily, by the inspiration of such courage, and were deeply moved and motivated to more noble acts of service and compassion. The same people respond again, almost inevitably. 多年来，我多次询问一群人，有多少人曾经历过与一位态度非凡、传达爱与同情，并在最后时刻以无与伦比的方式服务的临终者在一起。通常，大约四分之一的观众会肯定回答。我接着问他们中有多少人永远不会忘记这些人——有多少人至少在短暂的时间内被这种勇气的启发所改变，并深受感动，激励他们去做更高尚的服务和同情的行为。几乎总是同样的人再次回应。
Viktor Frankl suggests that there are three central values in life – the experiential, or that which happens to us; the creative, or that which we bring into existence; and the attitudinal, or our response in difficult circumstances such as terminal illness. 维克多·弗兰克尔建议生活中有三个核心价值观——体验的，或发生在我们身上的事情；创造的，或我们带入存在的事物；以及态度的，或我们在困难情况下（如绝症）所做出的反应。
My own experience with people confirms the point Frankl makes – that the highest of the three values is attitudinal, in the paradigm of reframing sense. In other words, what matters most is how we respond to what we experience in life. 我与人们的亲身经历证实了弗兰克所说的观点——三种价值中最高的是态度，在重新框定意义的范式中。换句话说，最重要的是我们如何回应生活中所经历的事情。
Difficult circumstances often create Paradigm Shifts, whole new frames of reference by which people see the world and themselves and others in it, and what life is asking of them. Their larger perspective reflects the attitudinal values that lift and inspire us all. 困难的环境常常会创造范式转变，形成全新的参照框架，让人们看待世界、自己和他人的方式，以及生活对他们的要求。更广阔的视角反映了提升和激励我们所有人的态度价值观。
Taking the Initiative 主动出击
Our basic nature is to act, and not be acted upon. As well as enabling us to choose our response to particular circumstances, this empowers us to create circumstances 我们基本的本性是行动，而不是被动。它不仅使我们能够选择对特定情况的反应，还使我们能够创造情况。
Taking initiative does not mean being pushy, obnoxious, or aggressive. It does mean recognizing our responsibility to make things happen. 主动并不意味着强势、令人讨厌或具有攻击性。它确实意味着认识到我们有责任去推动事情的发展。
Over the years, I have frequently counseled people who wanted better jobs to show more initiative – to take interest and aptitude tests, to study the industry, even the specific problems the organizations they are interested in are facing, and then to develop an effective presentation showing how their abilities can help solve the organization’s problem. It’s called “solution selling,” and is a key paradigm in business success. 多年来，我经常建议那些想要更好工作的人员表现出更多的主动性——参加兴趣和能力测试，研究行业，甚至研究他们感兴趣的组织所面临的具体问题，然后制定一个有效的演示，展示他们的能力如何帮助解决组织的问题。这被称为“解决方案销售”，是商业成功的一个关键范式。
The response is usually agreement – most people can see how powerfully such an approach would affect their opportunities for employment or advancement. But many of them fail to take the necessary steps, the initiative, to make it happen. 回应通常是同意——大多数人都能看到这种方法将如何强有力地影响他们的就业或晋升机会。但他们中的许多人未能采取必要的步骤，缺乏主动性，使其成为现实。
“I don’t know where to go to take the interest and aptitude test.” “我不知道去哪里参加兴趣和能力测试。”
“How do I study industry and organizational problems? No one wants to help me.” “我如何研究行业和组织问题？没有人愿意帮助我。”
Many people wait for something to happen or someone to take care of them. But people who end up with the good jobs are the proactive ones who are solutions to problems, not problems themselves, who seize the initiative to do whatever is necessary, consistent with correct principles, to get the job done. 许多人等待事情发生或等待别人照顾他们。但最终获得好工作的往往是那些积极主动的人，他们是问题的解决者，而不是问题本身，他们主动采取行动，做任何必要的事情，以符合正确的原则，完成工作。
Whenever someone in our family, even one of the younger children, takes an irresponsible position and waits for someone else to make things happen or provide a solution, we tell them, “Use your R and I!” (resourcefulness and initiative). In fact, often before we can say it, they answer their own complaints, “I know – use my R and I!” 每当我们家里有人，甚至是年轻的孩子，采取不负责任的态度，等待别人来解决问题或提供解决方案时，我们会告诉他们：“发挥你的 R 和 I！”（机智和主动性）。事实上，通常在我们说之前，他们就会自己回答自己的抱怨：“我知道——发挥我的 R 和 I！”
Holding people to the responsible course is not demeaning; it is affirming. Proactivity is part of human nature, and although the proactive muscles may be dormant, they are there. By respecting the proactive nature of other people, we provide them with at least one clear, undistorted reflection from the social mirror. 让人们承担责任并不是贬低，而是肯定。主动性是人性的一部分，尽管主动的能力可能处于休眠状态，但它们依然存在。通过尊重他人的主动性，我们为他们提供了至少一个清晰、真实的社会镜像反映。
Of course, the maturity level of the individual has to be taken into account. We can’t expect high creative cooperation from those who are deep into emotional dependence. But we can, at least, affirm their basic nature and create an atmosphere where people can seize opportunities and solve problems in an increasingly self-reliant way. 当然，个人的成熟度必须考虑在内。我们不能期望那些深陷情感依赖的人能够进行高水平的创造性合作。但至少我们可以肯定他们的基本特性，并创造一个人们能够抓住机会、以越来越自立的方式解决问题的氛围。
Act or be Acted Upon 行动或被行动
The difference between people who exercise initiative and those who don’t is literally the difference between night and day. I’m not talking about a 25 to 50 percent difference in effectiveness; I’m talking about a 5000-plus percent difference, particularly if they are smart, aware, and sensitive to others. 主动性强的人与不主动的人之间的差异，简直就像昼夜之分。我说的不是 25%到 50%的效果差异；我说的是 5000%以上的差异，特别是当他们聪明、敏锐并且对他人敏感时。
It takes initiative to create the P//PC\mathrm{P} / \mathrm{PC} Balance of effectiveness in your life. It takes initiative to develop the Seven Habits. As you study the other six habits, you will see that each depends on the development of your proactive muscles. Each puts the responsibility on 在你的生活中创造 P//PC\mathrm{P} / \mathrm{PC} 有效性的平衡需要主动性。发展七个习惯需要主动性。当你研究其他六个习惯时，你会发现每一个都依赖于你主动肌肉的发展。每一个都将责任放在
you to act. If you wait to be acted upon, you will be acted upon. And growth and opportunity consequences attend either road. 你要采取行动。如果你等待被行动，你将会被行动。无论哪条路，成长和机会的后果都会随之而来。
At one time I worked with a group of people in the home improvement industry, representatives from 20 different organizations who met quarterly to share their numbers and problems in an uninhibited way. 曾经我与一群来自家居改善行业的人一起工作，他们是来自 20 个不同组织的代表，每季度聚会一次，以一种无拘无束的方式分享他们的数据和问题。
This was during a time of heavy recession, and the negative impact on this particular industry was even heavier than on the economy in general. These people were fairly discouraged as we began. 这是在一个严重衰退的时期，对这个特定行业的负面影响甚至比整体经济更大。这些人在我们开始时相当沮丧。
The first day, our discussion question was “What’s happening to us? What’s the stimulus?” Many things were happening. The environmental pressures were powerful. There was widespread unemployment, and many of these people were laying off friends just to maintain the viability of their enterprises. By the end of the day, everyone was even more discouraged. 第一天，我们讨论的问题是“我们发生了什么？刺激是什么？”许多事情正在发生。环境压力很大。失业现象普遍，许多人为了维持企业的生存，不得不裁员朋友。到一天结束时，每个人都更加沮丧。
The second day, we addressed the question, “What’s going to happen in the future?” We studied environmental trends with the underlying reactive assumption that those things would create their future. By the end of the second day, we were even more depressed. Things were going to get worse before they got better, and everyone knew it. 第二天，我们讨论了这个问题：“未来会发生什么？”我们研究了环境趋势，基于一种反应性假设，认为这些事情将创造它们的未来。到第二天结束时，我们更加沮丧。情况在好转之前会变得更糟，大家都知道这一点。
So on the third day, we decided to focus on the proactive question, “What is our response? What are we going to do? How can we exercise initiative in this situation?” In the morning we talked about managing and reducing costs. In the afternoon we discussed increasing market share. We brainstormed both areas, then concentrated on several very practical, very doable things. A new spirit of excitement, hope, and proactive awareness concluded the meetings. 所以在第三天，我们决定专注于积极的问题：“我们的回应是什么？我们要做什么？在这种情况下我们如何采取主动？”早上我们讨论了管理和降低成本。下午我们讨论了增加市场份额。我们对这两个领域进行了头脑风暴，然后集中精力于几个非常实用、非常可行的事情。会议以一种新的兴奋、希望和积极意识的精神结束。
At the every end of the third day, we summarized the results of the conference in a threepart answer to the question, “How’s business?” 在第三天的最后，我们用三部分回答总结了会议的结果，问题是：“生意怎么样？”
Part one: What’s happening to us is not good, and the trends suggest that it will get worse before it gets better 第一部分：我们所经历的事情并不好，趋势表明在好转之前情况会变得更糟
Part two: But what we are causing to happen is very good, for we are better managing and reducing our costs and increasing our market share 第二部分：但我们所造成的结果是非常好的，因为我们更好地管理和降低了成本，并增加了我们的市场份额
Part three: Therefore, business is better than ever 第三部分：因此，商业比以往任何时候都要好
Now what would a reactive mind say to that? “Oh, come on. Face facts. You can only carry this positive thinking and self-psych approach so far. Sooner or later you have to face reality.” 那么，一个反应性思维会怎么说呢？“哦，得了吧。面对事实吧。你只能把这种积极思维和自我心理方法坚持到一定程度。迟早你得面对现实。”
But that’s the difference between positive thinking and proactivity. We did face reality. We faced the reality of the current circumstance and of future projections. But we also faced the reality that we had the power to choose a positive response to those circumstances and projections. Not facing reality would have been to accept the idea that what’s happening in our environment had to determine us. 但这就是积极思维和主动性之间的区别。我们确实面对了现实。我们面对了当前情况和未来预测的现实。但我们也面对了这样一个现实：我们有能力选择对这些情况和预测做出积极的回应。不面对现实就意味着接受这样一个观念：我们环境中发生的事情必须决定我们的命运。
Businesses, community groups, organizations of every kind – including families – can be proactive. They can combine the creativity and resourcefulness of proactive individuals to create a proactive culture within the organization. The organization does not have to 企业、社区团体、各种组织——包括家庭——都可以采取主动。它们可以结合主动个体的创造力和机智，在组织内部创造一种主动文化。组织不必
be at the mercy of the environment; it can take the initiative to accomplish the shared values and purposes of the individuals involved. 处于环境的支配之下；它可以主动实现相关个体的共同价值和目标。
Listening to our Language 倾听我们的语言
Because our attitudes and behaviors flow out of our paradigms, if we use our selfawareness to examine them, we can often see in them the nature of our underlying maps. Our language, for example, is a very real indicator of the degree to which we see ourselves as proactive people. 因为我们的态度和行为源于我们的范式，如果我们利用自我意识来审视它们，我们通常可以在其中看到我们潜在地图的本质。例如，我们的语言是一个非常真实的指标，显示了我们将自己视为积极主动的人的程度。
The language of reactive people absolves them of responsibility. 反应性人群的语言使他们免于承担责任。
“That’s me. That’s just the way I am.” I am determined. There’s nothing I can do about it. “那就是我。我就是这样的。”我很坚定。对此我无能为力。
“He makes me so mad!” I’m not responsible. My emotional life is governed by something outside my control. “他让我如此生气！”我不负责任。我的情感生活受制于我无法控制的东西。
“I can’t do that. I just don’t have the time.” Something outside me – limited time – is controlling me. “我做不到。我就是没有时间。”我内心之外的某种东西——有限的时间——在控制着我。
“If only my wife were more patient.” Someone else’s behavior is limiting my effectiveness. “如果我的妻子能更有耐心就好了。” 别人的行为限制了我的效率。
“I have to do it.” Circumstances or other people are forcing me to do what I do. I’m not free to choose my own actions. “我必须这样做。” 环境或其他人迫使我做我所做的事情。我无法自由选择自己的行为。
Reactive Language: There’s nothing I can do. That’s just the way I am. He makes me so mad. They won’t allow that. I have to do that. I can’t. I must. If only. 反应语言：我无能为力。这就是我。 他让我非常生气。 他们不允许那样。 我必须这样做。 我做不到。 我必须。 如果可以的话。
Proactive Language: Let’s look at our alternatives. I can choose a different approach. I control my own feelings. I can create an effective presentation. I will choose an appropriate response. choose. I prefer. I will. That language comes from a basic paradigm of determinism. And the whole spirit of it is the transfer of responsibility. I am not responsible, not able to choose my response. 主动语言：让我们看看我们的选择。我可以选择不同的方法。我控制自己的感受。我可以创建一个有效的演示。我会选择一个合适的回应。选择。我更喜欢。我会。这样的语言源于一种基本的决定论范式。它的整个精神在于责任的转移。我不负责，无法选择我的回应。
One time a student asked me, “Will you excuse me from class? I have to go on a tennis trip.” 有一次，一个学生问我：“您能让我请假吗？我得去参加一个网球旅行。”
“You have to go, or you choose to go?” I asked. “你是必须走，还是选择走？”我问。
“I really have to,” he exclaimed. “我真的必须这样做，”他喊道。
“What will happen if you don’t?” “如果你不这样做，会发生什么？”
“Why, they’ll kick me off the team.” “为什么，他们会把我踢出队伍。”
“How would you like that consequence?” “你希望那个后果是什么？”
“I wouldn’t.” “我不会。”
“In other words, you choose to go because you want the consequence of staying on the team. What will happen if you miss my class?” “换句话说，你选择去是因为你想要留在团队的后果。如果你错过我的课，会发生什么？”
“I don’t know.” “我不知道。”
“Think hard. What do you think would be the natural consequence of not coming to class?” “认真想想。你认为不来上课的自然后果是什么？”
“You wouldn’t kick me out, would you?” “你不会把我赶出去，对吧？”
“That would be a social consequence. That would be artificial. If you don’t participate on the tennis team, you don’t play. That’s natural. But if you don’t come to class, what would be the natural consequence?” “那将是一个社会后果。那将是人为的。如果你不参加网球队，你就不打球。这是自然的。但如果你不来上课，什么才是自然的后果？”
“I guess I’ll miss the learning.” “我想我会想念学习。”
“That’s right. So you have to weigh that consequence against the other consequence and make a choice. I know if it were me, I’d choose to go on the tennis trip. But never say you have to do anything.” “没错。所以你必须权衡那个后果与另一个后果，并做出选择。我知道如果是我，我会选择去打网球旅行。但永远不要说你必须做任何事情。”
“I choose to go on the tennis trip,” he meekly replied. “我选择去打网球旅行，”他温顺地回答。
“And miss my class?” I replied in mock disbelief. “然后错过我的课？”我假装不敢相信地回答。
A serious problem with reactive language is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. People become reinforced in the paradigm that they are determined, and they produce evidence to support the belief. They feel increasingly victimized and out of control, not in charge of their life or their destiny. They blame outside forces – other people, circumstances, even the stars – for their own situation. 反应性语言的一个严重问题是它成为了一种自我实现的预言。人们在他们被决定的范式中得到了强化，并产生证据来支持这种信念。他们感到越来越受害和失控，无法掌控自己的生活或命运。他们将自己的处境归咎于外部力量——其他人、环境，甚至星星。
At one seminar where I was speaking on the concept of proactivity, a man came up and said, “Stephen, I like what you’re saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I’m really worried. My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don’t love her anymore and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?” 在我讲述主动性概念的一个研讨会上，一个人走过来对我说：“斯蒂芬，我喜欢你说的话。但每种情况都是如此不同。看看我的婚姻。我真的很担心。我和我妻子之间的感情已经不如从前。我想我已经不再爱她了，她也不再爱我。我该怎么办？”
“The feeling isn’t there anymore?” I asked. “感觉不再了吗？”我问。
“That’s right,” he reaffirmed. “And we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?” “没错，”他重申道。“我们有三个孩子，我们真的很担心。你有什么建议？”
“Love her,” I replied. “爱她，”我回答。
“I told you, the feeling just isn’t there anymore.” “我告诉过你，这种感觉已经不再了。”
“Love her.” “爱她。”
“You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.” “你不明白。爱的感觉就是不存在。”
“Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her.” “那么爱她。如果没有那种感觉，那就是爱她的一个好理由。”
“But how do you love when you don’t love?” “但是当你不爱的时候，你怎么去爱？”
“My friend, love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is a fruit of love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?” “我的朋友，爱是一个动词。爱——这种感觉——是爱这个动词的果实。所以爱她。牺牲。倾听她。共情。欣赏。肯定她。你愿意这样做吗？”
In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They’re driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that 在所有进步社会的伟大文学中，爱是一个动词。反应性的人把它当作一种感觉。他们被情感驱动。好莱坞通常让我们相信，
we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so. 我们不负责任，因为我们是情感的产物。但好莱坞的剧本并没有描述现实。如果我们的情感控制了我们的行为，那是因为我们放弃了责任，赋予了它们这样的权力。
Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured. 积极主动的人把爱当作一个动词。爱是你所做的事情：你所做出的牺牲，给予自我的付出，就像母亲把新生儿带到这个世界。如果你想研究爱，就研究那些为他人牺牲的人，即使是为了那些冒犯你或不爱你的人。如果你是父母，看看你为孩子所付出的爱。爱是一种通过爱的行动实现的价值。积极主动的人把情感置于价值之下。爱，这种感觉，可以被重新找回。
Circle of Concern. Circle of Influence. 关注圈。影响圈。
Another excellent way to become more self-aware regarding our own degree of proactivity is to look at where we focus our time and energy. We each have a wide range of concerns – our health, our children, problems at work, the national debt, nuclear war. We could separate those from things in which we have no particular mental or emotional involvement by creating a "Circle of Concern. 另一个提高自我意识、了解我们主动性程度的优秀方法是关注我们将时间和精力集中在哪里。我们每个人都有广泛的关注点——我们的健康、我们的孩子、工作中的问题、国家债务、核战争。我们可以通过创建一个“关注圈”将这些与我们没有特别心理或情感参与的事情分开。
As we look at those things within our Circle of Concern, it becomes apparent that there are some things over which we have no real control and others that we can do something about. We could identify those concerns in the latter group by circumscribing them within a smaller Circle of Influence. By determining which of these two circles is the focus of most of our time and energy, we can discover much about the degree of our proactivity. 当我们关注我们关心的事物时，很明显有些事情是我们无法真正控制的，而另一些事情是我们可以采取行动的。我们可以通过将这些关注点圈定在一个较小的影响圈中来识别后者的关注点。通过确定这两个圈中哪个是我们大部分时间和精力的焦点，我们可以发现我们主动性程度的很多信息。
Proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence. They work on the things they can do something about. The nature of their energy is positive, enlarging and magnifying, causing their Circle of Influence to increase. 积极主动的人将精力集中在影响圈内。他们专注于自己能够做出改变的事情。他们的能量性质是积极的，扩展和放大，导致他们的影响圈不断扩大。
Reactive people, on the other hand, focus their efforts in the Circle of Concern. They focus on the weakness of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which they have no control. Their focus results in blaming and accusing attitudes, reactive language, and increased feelings of victimization. The negative energy generated by that focus, combined with neglect in areas they could do something about, causes their Circle of Influence to shrink. 反应型的人则将精力集中在关注圈内。他们关注他人的弱点、环境中的问题以及他们无法控制的情况。这种关注导致了指责和控诉的态度、反应性语言以及受害感的增强。由这种关注产生的负能量，加上对他们可以采取行动的领域的忽视，导致他们的影响圈缩小。
As long as we are working in our Circle of Concern, we empower the things within it to control us. We aren’t taking the proactive initiative necessary to effect positive change. 只要我们在关注圈内工作，我们就赋予其中的事物控制我们的权力。我们没有采取必要的主动措施来实现积极的变化。
Earlier, I shared with you the story of my son who was having serious problems in school. Sandra and I were deeply concerned about his apparent weaknesses and about the way other people were treating him. 之前，我和你分享了我儿子的故事，他在学校遇到了严重的问题。桑德拉和我对他明显的弱点以及其他人对待他的方式深感担忧。
But those things were in our Circle of Concern. As long as we focused our efforts on those things, we accomplished nothing, except to increase our own feelings of inadequacy and helplessness and to reinforce our son’s dependence. 但那些事情在我们的关注圈内。只要我们将精力集中在那些事情上，我们就一无所获，只会增加我们自己的无能感和无助感，并加深我们儿子的依赖。
It was only when we went to work in our Circle of Influence, when we focused on our own paradigms, that we began to create a positive energy that changed ourselves and eventually influenced our son as well. By working on ourselves instead of worrying about conditions, we were able to influence the conditions. 只有当我们在自己的影响圈内工作，专注于自己的范式时，我们才开始创造出改变自己并最终影响我们儿子的积极能量。通过关注自身而不是担心外部条件，我们能够影响这些条件。
Because of position, wealth, role, or relationships, there are some circumstances in which a person’s Circle of Influence is larger than his or her Circle of Concern. 由于职位、财富、角色或关系，有些情况下，一个人的影响圈大于其关心圈。
This situation reflects on a self-inflicted emotional myopia – another reactive selfish lifestyle focused in the Circle of Concern. 这种情况反映了一种自我造成的情感近视——另一种专注于关注圈的反应性自私生活方式。
Though they may have to prioritize the use of their influence, proactive people have a Circle of Concern that is at least as big as their Circle of Influence, accepting the responsibility to use their influence effectively. 尽管他们可能需要优先考虑使用自己的影响力，但积极主动的人拥有的关注圈至少与他们的影响圈一样大，接受有效利用自己影响力的责任。
Direct, Indirect, and No Control 直接、间接和无控制
The problems we face fall in one of three areas: direct control (problems involving our own behavior); indirect control (problems involving other people’s behavior); or no control (problems we can do nothing about, such as our past or situational realities). The proactive approach puts the first step in the solution of all three kinds of problems within our present Circle of Influence. 我们面临的问题可以分为三个领域：直接控制（涉及我们自己行为的问题）；间接控制（涉及他人行为的问题）；或无控制（我们无能为力的问题，例如我们的过去或情境现实）。积极主动的方法将解决这三种问题的第一步放在我们当前的影响圈内。
Direct control problems are solved by working on our habits. They are obviously within our Circle of Influence. These are the “Private Victories” of Habits 1, 2, and 3. 直接控制问题通过改善我们的习惯来解决。它们显然在我们的影响圈内。这些是习惯 1、2 和 3 的“私人胜利”。
Indirect control problems are solved by changing our methods of influence. These are the “Public Victories” of Habits 4,5, and 6. I have personally identified over 30 separate methods of human influence – as separate as empathy is from confrontation, as separate as example is from persuasion. Most people have only three or four of these methods in their repertoire, starting usually with reasoning, and, if that doesn’t work, moving to flight or fight. How liberating it is to accept the idea that I can learn new methods of human influence instead of constantly trying to use old ineffective methods to “shape up” someone else! 间接控制问题通过改变我们的影响方法来解决。这些是习惯 4、5 和 6 的“公共胜利”。我个人已经识别出超过 30 种不同的人类影响方法——同情与对抗是如此不同，榜样与说服也是如此。大多数人只有三到四种这些方法在他们的工具箱中，通常从推理开始，如果这不起作用，就转向逃避或对抗。接受我可以学习新的影响方法的想法是多么解放，而不是不断尝试使用旧的无效方法来“塑造”别人！
No control problems involve taking the responsibility to change the line on the bottom on our face – to smile, to genuinely and peacefully accept these problems and learn to live with them, even though we don’t like them. In this way, we do not empower these problems to control us. We share in the spirit embodied in the Alcoholics Anonymous prayer, “Lord, give me the courage to change the things which can and ought to be changed, the serenity to accept the things which cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 没有控制问题涉及到承担责任去改变我们脸上的底线——微笑，真诚而平静地接受这些问题，并学会与它们共处，即使我们不喜欢它们。通过这种方式，我们不赋予这些问题控制我们的权力。我们分享了《匿名戒酒者》祈祷中所体现的精神：“主啊，赐我勇气去改变那些可以和应该改变的事物，赐我平静去接受那些无法改变的事物，赐我智慧去分辨二者的不同。”
Whether a problem is direct, indirect, or no control, we have in our hands the first step to the solution. Changing our habits, changing our methods of influence and changing the way we see our no control problems are all within our Circle of Influence. 无论问题是直接的、间接的，还是没有控制，我们手中都有解决的第一步。改变我们的习惯、改变我们的影响方法以及改变我们看待无控制问题的方式，都是在我们的影响圈内。
Expanding the Circle of Influence 扩大影响力圈
It is inspiring to realize that in choosing our response to circumstance, we powerfully affect our circumstance. When we change one part of the chemical formula, we change the nature of the results 意识到在选择我们对环境的反应时，我们强有力地影响着我们的环境，这令人振奋。当我们改变化学公式的一个部分时，我们就改变了结果的性质。
I worked with one organization for several years that was headed by a very dynamic person. He could read trends. He was creative, talented, capable, and brilliant – and everyone knew it. But he had a very dictatorial style of management. He tended to treat people like “gofers,” as if they didn’t have any judgment. His manner of speaking to those 我曾与一个组织合作了好几年，该组织由一个非常有活力的人领导。他能够洞察趋势。他富有创造力，才华横溢，能力出众，聪明绝顶——每个人都知道这一点。但他的管理风格非常专制。他倾向于把人们当作“跑腿的”，仿佛他们没有任何判断力。他与那些人的交谈方式
who worked in the organization was, "Go for this; go for that; now do this; now do that -I’ll make the decisions. 在组织中工作的人是：“去做这个；去做那个；现在做这个；现在做那个 - 我来做决定。”
The net effect was that he alienated almost the entire executive team surrounding him. They would gather in the corridors and complain to each other about him. Their discussion was all very sophisticated, very articulate, as if they were trying to help the situation. But they did it endlessly, absolving themselves of responsibility in the name of the president’s weaknesses. 最终的结果是，他使周围几乎整个执行团队都感到疏远。他们会聚集在走廊里，互相抱怨他。他们的讨论非常复杂，非常清晰，仿佛是在试图帮助解决问题。但他们无休止地这样做，以总统的弱点为名，免除了自己的责任。
“You can’t imagine what’s happened this time,” someone would say. “The other day he went into my department. I had everything all laid out. But he came in and gave totally different signals. Everything I’d done for months was shot, just like that. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep working for him. How long will it be until he retires?” “你无法想象这次发生了什么，”有人会说。“前几天他进了我的部门。我把一切都准备好了。但他进来后发出了完全不同的信号。我几个月以来所做的一切都白费了，就这样。我不知道我该如何继续为他工作。他还要多久才能退休？”
“He’s only fifty-nine,” someone else would respond. “Do you think you can survive for six more years?” “他才五十九岁，”其他人会回应。“你觉得你能再活六年吗？”
“I don’t know. He’s the kind of person they probably won’t retire anyway.” “我不知道。他是那种他们可能根本不会退休的人。”
But one of the executives was proactive. He was driven by values, not feelings. He took initiative – he anticipated, he empathized, he read the situation. He was not blind to the president’s weaknesses; but instead of criticizing them, he would compensate for them. Where the president was weak in his style, he’d try to buffer his own people and make such weaknesses irrelevant. And he’d work with the president’s strengths – his vision, talent, creativity. 但其中一位高管是积极主动的。他是由价值观驱动，而不是情感。他采取了主动行动——他预见、他同理、他洞察局势。他并没有对总统的弱点视而不见；但他并没有批评这些弱点，而是弥补它们。在总统风格上的弱点，他会努力保护自己的团队，使这些弱点变得无关紧要。他还会利用总统的优势——他的愿景、才能和创造力。
This man focused on his Circle of Influence. He was treated like a gofer, also. But he would do more than what was expected. He anticipated the president’s need. He read with empathy the president’s underlying concern, so when he presented information, he also gave his analysis and his recommendations based on that analysis. 这个人专注于他的影响圈。他也被当作跑腿。可是他做的事情超出了预期。他预见到了总统的需求。他以同理心理解了总统的潜在担忧，因此在他提供信息时，他也基于该分析给出了自己的分析和建议。
As I sat one day with the president in an advisory capacity, he said, "Stephen, I just can’t believe what this man has done. He’s not only given me the information I requested, but he’s provided additional information that’s exactly what we needed. He even gave me his analysis of it in terms of my deepest concerns, and a list of his recommendations. 有一天我以顾问的身份和总统坐在一起，他说：“斯蒂芬，我简直不敢相信这个人做了什么。他不仅给了我我所请求的信息，还提供了我们所需要的额外信息。他甚至根据我最深切的担忧给了我他的分析，以及他的建议清单。”
“The recommendations are consistent with the analysis, and the analysis is consistent with the data. He’s remarkable! What a relief not to have to worry about this part of the business.” “这些建议与分析一致，而分析与数据一致。他真了不起！不用担心业务的这一部分真是松了一口气。”
At the next meeting, it was “go for this” and “go for that” to all the executives but one. To this man, it was “What’s your opinion?” His Circle of Influence had grown 在下次会议上，除了一个人，所有高管都在说“支持这个”和“支持那个”。对这个人来说，是“你怎么看？”他的影响力圈扩大了。
This caused quite a stir in the organization. The reactive minds in the executive corridors began shooting their vindictive ammunition at this proactive man. It’s the nature of reactive people to absolve themselves of responsibility. It’s so much safer to say, “I am not responsible.” If I say “I am responsible,” I might have to say, “I am irresponsible.” It would be very hard for me to say that I have the power to choose my response and that the response I have chosen has resulted in my involvement in a negative, collusive environment, especially if for years I have absolved myself of responsibility for results in the name of someone else’s weaknesses. 这在组织中引起了相当大的轰动。高管走廊中的反应型思维开始向这个积极主动的人发射他们的报复性弹药。反应型人群的本性就是为自己免除责任。说“我不负责任”要安全得多。如果我说“我负责任”，我可能不得不说“我不负责任”。我很难说我有选择我反应的权力，而我所选择的反应导致我卷入了一个消极的、共谋的环境，尤其是如果多年来我以他人的弱点为名为结果免除自己的责任。
So these executives focused on finding more information, more ammunition, more evidence as to why they weren’t responsible. 因此，这些高管专注于寻找更多信息、更多证据、更多理由来证明他们不负责任。
But this man was proactive toward them, too. Little by little, his Circle of Influence toward them grew also. It continued to expand to the extent that eventually no one made any significant moves in the organization without that man’s involvement and approval, including the president. But the president did not feel threatened because this man’s strength complemented his strength and compensated for his weaknesses. So he had the strength of two people, a complementary team. 但这个人对他们也很积极。渐渐地，他对他们的影响力圈也在扩大。最终，组织中没有人会在没有这个人的参与和批准的情况下做出任何重大举动，包括总统。但总统并没有感到威胁，因为这个人的优势补充了他的优势，弥补了他的弱点。因此，他拥有两个人的力量，一个互补的团队。
This man’s success was not dependent on his circumstances. Many others were in the same situation. It was his chosen response to those circumstances, his focus on his Circle of Influence, that made the difference. 这个人的成功并不依赖于他的环境。许多人处于同样的境地。是他对这些环境的选择反应，以及他对影响圈的关注，才造成了差异。
There are some people who interpret “proactive” to mean pushy, aggressive, or insensitive; but that isn’t the case at all. Proactive people aren’t pushy. They’re smart, they’re value driven, they read reality, and they know what’s needed. 有些人将“主动”解释为强势、好斗或不敏感；但事实并非如此。主动的人并不强势。他们聪明，注重价值，能够洞察现实，并知道需要什么。
Look at Gandhi. While his accusers were in the legislative chambers criticizing him because he wouldn’t join in their Circle of Concern rhetoric condemning the British Empire for their subjugation of the Indian people, Gandhi was out in the rice paddies, quietly, slowly, imperceptibly expanding his Circle of Influence with the field laborers. A ground swell of support, of trust, of confidence followed him through the countryside. Though he held no office or political position, through compassion, courage, fasting, and moral persuasion he eventually brought England to its knees, breaking political domination of 300 million people with the power of his greatly expanded Circle of Influence. 看看甘地。当他的指控者在立法机构中批评他不愿加入他们谴责英国帝国压迫印度人民的关切圈言辞时，甘地却在稻田里，安静、缓慢、悄无声息地与田间劳工扩大着他的影响圈。一股支持、信任和信心的浪潮伴随着他穿越乡村。尽管他没有任何职务或政治地位，但通过同情、勇气、禁食和道德劝说，他最终使英国屈服，以他大大扩展的影响圈的力量打破了对三亿人民的政治统治。
The "Have's" and the "Be's" “有的人”和“存在的人”
One way to determine which circle our concern is in is to distinguish between the have’s and the be’s. The Circle of Concern is filled with the have’s 确定我们关心的圈子所在的一种方法是区分“拥有者”和“存在者”。关心圈充满了拥有者。
“I’ll be happy when I have my house paid off.” “当我把房子还清时，我会很高兴。”
“If only I had a boss who wasn’t such a dictator.” “要是我有一个不是那么专制的老板就好了。”
“If only I had a more patient husband.” “要是我有一个更有耐心的丈夫就好了。”
“If I had more obedient kids.” “如果我有更听话的孩子。”
“If I had my degree.” “如果我有我的学位。”
“If I could just have more time to myself.” “如果我能有更多属于自己的时间。”
The Circle of Influence is filled with the be’s – I can be more patient, be wise, be loving. It’s the character focus. Anytime we think the problem is “out there,” that thought is the problem. We empower what’s out there to control us. The change paradigm is “outsidein” – what’s out there has to change before we can change. 影响圈充满了“能”的状态——我可以变得更有耐心、变得聪明、变得有爱。这是对性格的关注。每当我们认为问题在“外面”时，这种想法就是问题所在。我们赋予外部事物控制我们的权力。改变的范式是“外部向内”——外部的事物必须改变，我们才能改变。
The proactive approach is to change from the Inside-Out: to be different, and by being different, to effect positive change in what’s out there – I can be more resourceful, I can be more diligent, I can be more creative, I can be more cooperative. 主动的方法是从内而外地改变：要与众不同，通过与众不同来在外部产生积极的变化——我可以更有资源，我可以更勤奋，我可以更有创造力，我可以更合作。
One of my favorite stories is one in the Old Testament, part of the fundamental fabric of the Judeo-Christian tradition. It’s the story of Joseph, who was sold into slavery in Egypt by his brothers at the age of 17 . Can you imagine how easy it would have been for him to languish in self-pity as a servant of Potiphar, to focus on the weaknesses of his brothers and his captors and on all he didn’t have? But Joseph was proactive. He worked on be. And within a short period of time, he was running Potiphar’s household. He was in charge of all that Potiphar had because the trust was so high. 我最喜欢的故事之一是旧约中的一个故事，它是犹太基督教传统的基本组成部分。这是关于约瑟的故事，他在 17 岁时被他的兄弟们卖到埃及做奴隶。你能想象他作为波提法的仆人，沉溺于自怜中有多容易，专注于他兄弟和 captors 的弱点以及他所没有的一切吗？但约瑟是积极主动的。他努力工作。在短时间内，他就管理起了波提法的家务。他负责波提法所有的事务，因为信任度非常高。
Then the day came when Joseph was caught in a difficult situation and refused to compromise his integrity. As a result, he was unjustly imprisoned for 13 years. But again he was proactive. He worked on the inner circle, on being instead of having, and soon he was running the prison and eventually the entire nation of Egypt, second only to the Pharaoh. 然后有一天，约瑟夫陷入了一个困难的境地，拒绝妥协自己的诚信。因此，他被不公正地监禁了 13 年。但他再次采取了主动。他专注于内心的修炼，关注存在而非拥有，不久他就管理了监狱，最终管理了整个埃及，仅次于法老。
I know this idea is a dramatic Paradigm Shift for many people. It is so much easier to blame other people, conditioning, or conditions for our own stagnant situation. But we are responsible --“response-able” – to control our lives and to powerfully influence our circumstances by working on be, on what we are. 我知道这个想法对许多人来说是一个戏剧性的范式转变。指责其他人、环境或条件让我们自己的停滞状态变得容易得多。但我们是有责任的——“能够回应”——去掌控我们的生活，并通过关注我们的存在，强有力地影响我们的环境。
If I have a problem in my marriage, what do I really gain by continually confessing my wife’s sins? By saying I’m not responsible, I make myself a powerless victim; I immobilize myself in a negative situation. I also diminish my ability to influence her – my nagging, accusing, critical attitude only makes her feel validated in her own weakness. My criticism is worse than the conduct I want to correct. My ability to positively impact the situation withers and dies. 如果我在婚姻中遇到问题，不断地坦白我妻子的罪过，我到底能获得什么呢？通过说我不负责任，我让自己成为一个无能为力的受害者；我在消极的情况下使自己瘫痪。我也削弱了影响她的能力——我唠叨、指责、批评的态度只会让她在自己的软弱中感到被肯定。我的批评比我想要纠正的行为更糟糕。我的积极影响能力枯萎并消亡。
If I really want to improve my situation, I can work on the one thing over which I have control – myself. I can stop trying to shape up my wife and work on my own weaknesses. I can focus on being a great marriage partner, a source of unconditional love and support. Hopefully, my wife will feel the power of proactive example and respond in kind. But whether she does or doesn’t, the most positive way I can influence my situation is to work on myself, on my being. 如果我真的想改善我的处境，我可以专注于我能控制的唯一一件事——我自己。我可以停止试图改变我的妻子，而是关注自己的弱点。我可以专注于成为一个优秀的婚姻伴侣，一个无条件的爱与支持的源泉。希望我的妻子能感受到积极榜样的力量，并以同样的方式回应。但无论她是否这样做，我影响自己处境的最积极方式就是努力提升自己，提升我的存在。
There are so many ways to work in the Circle of Influence – to be a better listener, to be a more loving marriage partner, to be a better student, to be a more cooperative and dedicated employee. Sometimes the most proactive thing we can do is to be happy, just to genuinely smile. Happiness, like unhappiness, is a proactive choice. There are things, like the weather, that our Circle of Influence will never include. But as proactive people, we can carry our own physical or social weather with us. We can be happy and accept those things that at present we can’t control, while we focus our efforts on the things that we can. 在影响圈中有很多方法可以工作——成为一个更好的倾听者，成为一个更有爱心的婚姻伴侣，成为一个更好的学生，成为一个更合作和更专注的员工。有时候，我们能做的最积极的事情就是快乐，真心地微笑。幸福和不幸福一样，都是一种积极的选择。有些事情，比如天气，是我们影响圈永远无法包含的。但作为积极的人，我们可以随身携带自己的身体或社交天气。我们可以快乐地接受那些目前我们无法控制的事情，同时将精力集中在我们可以控制的事情上。
The Other End of the Stick 棍子的另一端
Before we totally shift our life focus to our Circle of Influence, we need to consider two things in our Circle of Concern that merit deeper thought – consequences and mistakes. 在我们完全将生活重心转向我们的影响圈之前，我们需要考虑我们关心圈中两个值得深入思考的事情——后果和错误。
While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of those actions. Consequences are governed by natural law. They are out in the Circle of Concern. We can decide to step in front of a fast-moving train, but we cannot decide what will happen when the train hits us. 虽然我们可以自由选择我们的行为，但我们无法自由选择这些行为的后果。后果受自然法则的支配。它们在关注圈之外。我们可以决定站在一列快速行驶的火车前，但我们无法决定当火车撞到我们时会发生什么。
We can decide to be dishonest in our business dealings. While the social consequences of that decision may vary depending on whether or not we are found out, the natural consequences to our basic character are a fixed result. 我们可以选择在商业交易中不诚实。虽然这一决定的社会后果可能因我们是否被发现而有所不同，但对我们基本品格的自然后果是一个固定的结果。
Our behavior is governed by principles. Living in harmony with them brings positive consequences; violating them brings negative consequences. We are free to choose our response in any situation, but in doing so, we choose the attendant consequence. “When we pick up one end of the stick, we pick up the other.” 我们的行为受原则的支配。与它们和谐相处会带来积极的结果；违反它们则会带来消极的结果。我们可以自由选择在任何情况下的反应，但这样做时，我们也选择了随之而来的后果。“当我们拿起棍子的一端时，我们也拿起了另一端。”
Undoubtedly, there have been times in each of our lives when we have picked up what we later felt was the wrong stick. Our choices have brought consequences we would rather have lived without. If we had the choice to make over again, we would make it differently. We call these choices mistakes, and they are the second thing that merits our deeper thought. 毫无疑问，在我们每个人的生活中，都曾有过选择了后来觉得是错误的决定的时刻。我们的选择带来了我们宁愿不经历的后果。如果我们可以重新选择，我们会做出不同的决定。我们称这些选择为错误，而它们是值得我们深入思考的第二件事。
For those filled with regret, perhaps the most needful exercise of proactivity is to realize that past mistakes are also out there in the Circle of Concern. We can’t recall them, we can’t undo them, we can’t control the consequences that came as a result. 对于那些充满遗憾的人来说，也许最需要的主动性练习就是意识到过去的错误也存在于关注圈中。我们无法回忆起它们，我们无法撤销它们，我们无法控制因此而产生的后果。
As a college quarterback, one of my sons learned to snap his wristband between plays as a kind of mental checkoff whenever he or anyone made a “setting back” mistake, so the last mistake wouldn’t affect the resolve and execution of the next play. 作为一名大学四分卫，我的一个儿子学会了在比赛间隙拍打他的腕带，作为一种心理检查，以便在他或其他人犯下“回退”错误时，确保上一个错误不会影响下一个战术的决心和执行。
The proactive approach to a mistake is to acknowledge it instantly, correct it, and learn from it. This literally turns a failure into a success. “Success,” said IBM founder T. J. Watson, “is on the far side of failure.” 对错误的积极处理方式是立即承认、纠正并从中学习。这实际上将失败转化为成功。“成功，”IBM 创始人 T. J. Watson 说，“在失败的另一边。”
But not to acknowledge a mistake, not to correct it and learn from it, is a mistake of a different order. It usually puts a person on a self-deceiving, self-justifying path, often involving rationalization (rational lies) to self and to others. This second mistake, this cover-up, empowers the first, giving it disproportionate importance, and causes far deeper injury to self. 但不承认错误，不纠正错误并从中学习，是另一种层次的错误。它通常使一个人走上自我欺骗、自我辩解的道路，常常涉及对自己和他人的合理化（合理的谎言）。这个第二个错误，这种掩盖，使第一个错误得以增强，赋予其不成比例的重要性，并对自我造成更深的伤害。
It is not what others do or even our own mistakes that hurt us the most; it is our response to those things. Chasing after the poisonous snake that bites us will only drive the poison through our entire system. It is far better to take measures immediately to get the poison out. 伤害我们最多的不是别人所做的事情或我们自己的错误，而是我们对这些事情的反应。追逐咬我们的毒蛇只会让毒素在我们整个系统中扩散。立即采取措施排出毒素要好得多。
Our response to any mistake affects the quality of the next moment. It is important to immediately admit and correct our mistakes so that they have no power over that next moment and we are empowered again. 我们对任何错误的反应会影响下一个时刻的质量。立即承认并纠正我们的错误是重要的，这样它们就不会对下一个时刻产生影响，我们也能重新获得力量。
Making and Keeping Commitments 做出并保持承诺
At the very heart of our Circle of Influence is our ability to make and keep commitments and promises. The commitments we make to ourselves and to others, and our integrity to those commitments, is the essence and clearest manifestation of our proactivity. 在我们影响圈的核心是我们做出并遵守承诺和诺言的能力。我们对自己和他人做出的承诺，以及我们对这些承诺的诚信，是我们积极主动的本质和最清晰的表现。
It is also the essence of our growth. Through our human endowments of self-awareness and conscience, we become conscious of areas of weakness, areas for improvement, areas of talent that could be developed, areas that need to be changed or eliminated from our lives. Then, as we recognize and use our imagination and independent will to act on that awareness – making promises, setting goals, and being true to them – we build the 这也是我们成长的本质。通过我们自我意识和良知的人性赋予，我们意识到弱点、改进的领域、可以发展的才能领域，以及需要从我们生活中改变或消除的领域。然后，当我们认识到并利用我们的想象力和独立意志来对这种意识采取行动——做出承诺、设定目标并忠于它们——我们建立了
strength of character, the being, that makes possible every other positive thing in our lives. 品格的力量，这种存在使我们生活中的其他一切积极事物成为可能。
It is here that we find two ways to put ourselves in control of our lives immediately. We can make a promise – and keep it. Or we can set a goal – and work to achieve it. As we make and keep commitments, even small commitments, we begin to establish an inner integrity that gives us the awareness of self-control and the courage and strength to accept more of the responsibility for our own lives. By making and keeping promises to ourselves and others, little by little, our honor becomes greater than our moods. 在这里，我们发现了两种立即掌控自己生活的方法。我们可以许下一个承诺——并遵守它。或者我们可以设定一个目标——并努力实现它。当我们做出并遵守承诺，即使是小的承诺时，我们开始建立一种内在的诚信，这让我们意识到自我控制，并拥有接受更多自己生活责任的勇气和力量。通过对自己和他人许下并遵守承诺，逐渐地，我们的荣誉超越了我们的情绪。
The power to make and keep commitments to ourselves is the essence of developing the basic habits of effectiveness. Knowledge, skill, and desire are all within our control. We can work on any one to improve the balance of the three. As the area of intersection becomes larger, we more deeply internalize the principles upon which the habits are based and create the strength of character to move us in a balanced way toward increasing effectiveness in our lives. 对自己做出并保持承诺的能力是培养有效性基本习惯的本质。知识、技能和欲望都在我们的控制之中。我们可以专注于其中任何一个，以改善三者之间的平衡。随着交集区域的扩大，我们更深入地内化这些习惯所基于的原则，并创造出推动我们以平衡方式提高生活有效性的品格力量。
Proactivity: The 30-Day Test 主动性：30 天测试
We don’t have to go through the death camp experience of Frankl to recognize and develop our own proactivity. It is in the ordinary events of every day that we develop the proactive capacity to handle the extraordinary pressures of life. It’s how we make and keep commitments, how we handle a traffic jam, how we respond to an irate customer or a disobedient child. It’s how we view our problems and where we focus our energies. It’s the language we use. 我们不必经历弗兰克尔的死亡营体验就能认识和发展我们自己的主动性。正是在每天的普通事件中，我们培养了应对生活中非凡压力的主动能力。这是我们如何做出和保持承诺，如何处理交通堵塞，如何应对愤怒的顾客或不听话的孩子。这是我们如何看待问题以及我们将精力集中在哪里。这是我们使用的语言。
I would challenge you to test the principle of proactivity for 30 days. Simply try it and see what happens. For 30 days work only in your Circle of Influence. Make small commitments and keep them. Be a light, not a judge. Be a model, not a critic. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem. 我挑战你在 30 天内测试主动性原则。简单地尝试一下，看看会发生什么。在 30 天内只在你的影响圈内工作。做出小承诺并坚持下去。做一个光明的存在，而不是评判者。做一个榜样，而不是批评者。成为解决方案的一部分，而不是问题的一部分。
Try it in your marriage, in your family, in your job. Don’t argue for other people’s weaknesses. Don’t argue for your own. When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it -immediately. Don’t get into a blaming, accusing mode. Work on things you have control over. Work on you. On be. 在你的婚姻中，在你的家庭中，在你的工作中尝试一下。不要为他人的弱点辩护。也不要为自己的弱点辩护。当你犯错时，承认它，纠正它，并立即从中学习。不要陷入指责和控诉的模式。专注于你能控制的事情。专注于你自己。专注于存在。
Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation. It’s not what they’re not doing or should be doing that’s the issue. The issue is your own chosen response to the situation and what you should be doing. If you start to think the problem is “out there,” stop yourself. That thought is the problem. 以同情而非指责的态度看待他人的弱点。问题不在于他们没有做或应该做的事情。问题在于你自己对这种情况的反应以及你应该做的事情。如果你开始认为问题在“外面”，请停止自己。这个想法就是问题所在。
People who exercise their embryonic freedom day after day will, little by little, expand that freedom. People who do not will find that it withers until they are literally “being lived.” They are acting out the scripts written by parents, associates, and society. 每天锻炼自己胚胎自由的人，逐渐会扩展这种自由。而不这样做的人会发现这种自由逐渐枯萎，直到他们实际上“被生活”。他们在演绎父母、同事和社会写下的剧本。
We are responsible for our own effectiveness, for our own happiness, and ultimately, I would say, for most of our circumstances. 我们对自己的有效性、自己的幸福负责，最终，我想说，我们对大多数情况负责。
Samuel Johnson observed: “The fountain of content must spring up in the mind, and he who hath so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition, will waste his life in fruitless efforts and multiply the grief he proposes to remove.” 塞缪尔·约翰逊观察到：“满足的源泉必须在心中涌现，而那些对人性了解如此之少，以至于试图通过改变自己以外的任何事物来寻求幸福的人，将在无果的努力中浪费生命，并加重他所希望消除的痛苦。”
Knowing that we are responsible – “response-able” – is fundamental to effectiveness and to every other habit of effectiveness we will discuss. 知道我们是负责任的——“能够回应的”——是有效性以及我们将讨论的其他有效习惯的基础。
Application Suggestions 应用建议
For a full day, listen to your language and to the language of the people around you. How often do you use and hear reactive phrases such as “If only,” “I can’t,” or “I have to” 整整一天，倾听你的语言和周围人的语言。你多频繁使用和听到反应性短语，比如“要是……就好了”、“我不能”或“我必须”？
Identify an experience you might encounter in the near future where, based on past experience, you would probably behave reactively. Review the situation in the context of your Circle of Influence. How could you respond proactively? Take several moments and create the experience vividly in your mind, picturing yourself responding in a proactive manner. Remind yourself of the gap between stimulus and response. Make a commitment to yourself to exercise your freedom to choose. 识别一个你可能在不久的将来遇到的经历，根据过去的经验，你可能会采取反应性行为。将这种情况放在你的影响圈的背景下进行审视。你可以如何主动应对？花几分钟时间在脑海中生动地构建这个经历，想象自己以主动的方式作出反应。提醒自己刺激与反应之间的差距。向自己承诺，行使你的选择自由。
Select a problem from your work or personal life that is frustrating to you. Determine whether it is a direct, indirect, or no control problem. Identify the first step you can take in your Circle of Influence to solve it and then take that step. 选择一个让你感到沮丧的工作或个人生活中的问题。确定它是直接问题、间接问题还是无控制问题。识别你在影响圈中可以采取的第一步来解决它，然后采取那一步。
Try the 30-day test of proactivity. Be aware of the change in your Circle of Influence. 尝试 30 天的主动性测试。注意你影响圈的变化。
Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind TM 习惯 2：以终为始 TM
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us 我们身后和面前的事物与我们内心的事物相比微不足道
– Oliver Wendell Holme – 奥利弗·温德尔·霍尔姆
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Please find a place to read these next few pages where you can be alone and uninterrupted. Clear your mind of everything except what you will read and what I will invite you to do. Don’t worry about your schedule, your business, your family, or your friends. Just focus with me and really open your mind. 请找一个可以独自且不被打扰的地方来阅读接下来的几页。清空你的思绪，除了你将要阅读的内容和我将邀请你做的事情。不要担心你的日程、你的工作、你的家人或你的朋友。只需与我专注，真正打开你的心灵。
In your mind’s eye, see yourself going to the funeral parlor or chapel, parking the car, and getting out. As you walk inside the building, you notice the flowers, the soft organ music. You see the faces of friends and family you pass along the way. You feel the shared sorrow of losing, the joy of having known, that radiates from the hearts of the people there. 在你心中想象自己走进殡仪馆或礼拜堂，停车，下车。当你走进建筑时，你注意到鲜花和柔和的风琴音乐。你看到沿途经过的朋友和家人的面孔。你感受到失去的共同悲伤，以及曾经相识的喜悦，这种情感从在场人们的心中散发出来。
As you walk down to the front of the room and look inside the casket, you suddenly come face to face with yourself. This is your funeral, three years from today. All these people have come to honor you, to express feelings of love and appreciation for your life. 当你走到房间前面，向棺材里看时，你突然与自己面对面。这是你的葬礼，三年后的今天。所有这些人都来向你致敬，表达对你生命的爱和感激之情。
As you take a seat and wait for the services to begin, you look at the program in your hand. There are to be four speakers. The first one is from your family, immediate and also extended – children, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents who have come from all over the country to attend. The second speaker is one of your friends, someone who can give a sense of what you were as a person. The third speaker is from your work or profession. And the fourth is from your church or some community organization where you’ve been involved in service. 当你入座并等待服务开始时，你看着手中的节目单。将有四位发言人。第一位来自你的家庭，包括直系亲属和扩展亲属——孩子、兄弟、姐妹、侄子、侄女、姑姑、叔叔、表亲和来自全国各地前来参加的祖父母。第二位发言人是你的朋友，能够传达你作为一个人的感觉。第三位发言人来自你的工作或职业。第四位发言人来自你的教会或你参与服务的某个社区组织。
Now think deeply. What would you like each of these speakers to say about you and your life? What kind of husband, wife, father, or mother would you like their words to reflect? What kind of son or daughter or cousin? What kind of friend? What kind of working associate? 现在深思熟虑一下。你希望这些发言者对你和你的生活说些什么？你希望他们的话反映出什么样的丈夫、妻子、父亲或母亲？你希望他们的话反映出什么样的儿子、女儿或表亲？什么样的朋友？什么样的工作伙伴？
What character would you like them to have seen in you? What contributions, what achievements would you want them to remember? Look carefully at the people around you. What difference would you like to have made in their lives? 你希望他们在你身上看到什么样的品质？你希望他们记住什么贡献和成就？仔细看看你周围的人。你希望在他们的生活中产生什么样的影响？
Before you read further, take a few minutes to jot down your impressions. It will greatly increase your personal understanding of Habit 2. 在你继续阅读之前，花几分钟时间写下你的印象。这将大大提高你对习惯 2 的个人理解。
What it Means to "Begin with the End in Mind" 以终为始的意义
If you participated seriously in this visualization experience, you touched for a moment some of your deep, fundamental values. You established brief contact with that inner guidance system at the heart of your Circle of Influence 如果你认真参与了这个可视化体验，你在某种程度上触及了你深层次的基本价值观。你与影响圈核心的内在指导系统建立了短暂的联系。
Consider the words of Joseph Addison: 考虑约瑟夫·艾迪生的话：
When I look upon the tombs of the great, every emotion of envy dies in me; when I read the epitaphs of the beautiful, every inordinate desire goes out; when I meet with the grief of parents upon a tombstone, my heart melts with compassion; when I see the tomb of the parents themselves, I consider the vanity of grieving for those whom we must quickly follow: when I see kings lying by those who deposed them, I consider rival wits placed side by side, or the holy men that divided the world with their contests and disputes, I reflect with sorrow and astonishment on the little competitions, factions, and debates of mankind. When I read the several dates of the tombs, of some that died yesterday, and some six hundred years ago, I consider that great Day when we shall all of us be Contemporaries, and make our appearance together. 当我看着伟人的墓碑时，心中的嫉妒之情消失殆尽；当我阅读美丽的墓志铭时，所有过分的欲望也随之消散；当我看到父母在墓碑上的悲伤时，我的心因同情而融化；当我看到父母自己的墓碑时，我思考为那些我们必须迅速追随的人而悲伤的虚妄；当我看到国王与那些废黜他们的人并排而卧时，我想到并肩而立的对手才智，或是那些通过争斗和争论分裂世界的圣人，我感到悲伤和惊讶于人类的小竞争、派系和辩论。当我阅读墓碑上不同的日期，有些是昨天去世的，有些是六百年前的，我思考那伟大的日子，当我们所有人都将成为同代人，一同出现。
Although Habit 2 applies to many different circumstances and levels of life, the most fundamental application of “Begin with the End in Mind” is to begin today with the image, picture, or paradigm of the end of your life as your frame of reference or the criterion by which everything else is examined. Each part of your life – today’s behavior, tomorrow’s behavior, next week’s behavior, next month’s behavior – can be examined in the context of the whole, of what really matters most to you. By keeping that end clearly in mind, you can make certain that whatever you do on any particular day does not violate the criteria you have defined as supremely important, and that each day of your life contributes in a meaningful way to the vision you have of your life as a whole. 尽管习惯 2 适用于许多不同的情况和生活层面，但“以终为始”的最基本应用是今天就以你生命结束时的形象、画面或范式作为参考框架或评判标准，来审视其他一切。你生活的每个部分——今天的行为、明天的行为、下周的行为、下个月的行为——都可以在整体的背景下进行审视，关注对你来说真正重要的事物。通过清晰地牢记那个终点，你可以确保在任何特定的一天所做的事情都不会违反你定义的至关重要的标准，并且你生活的每一天都以有意义的方式为你对整体生活的愿景做出贡献。
To Begin with the End in Mind means to start with a clear understanding of your destination. It means to know where you’re going so that you better understand where you are now and so that the steps you take are always in the right direction. 以终为始意味着要清楚地了解你的目标。这意味着要知道你要去哪里，以便更好地理解你现在的位置，从而确保你所采取的每一步都朝着正确的方向前进。
It’s incredibly easy to get caught up in an activity trap, in the busy-ness of life, to work harder and harder at climbing the ladder of success only to discover it’s leaning against the wrong wall. It is possible to be busy – very busy – without being very effective. 在活动陷阱中被困是非常容易的，在生活的忙碌中，越来越努力地攀登成功的阶梯，却发现它靠在错误的墙上。忙碌是可能的——非常忙碌——但并不一定有效。
People often find themselves achieving victories that are empty, successes that have come at the expense of things they suddenly realize were far more valuable to them. People from every walk of life – doctors, academicians, actors, politicians, business professionals, athletes, and plumbers – often struggle to achieve a higher income, more recognition or a certain degree of professional competence, only to find that their drive to achieve their goal blinded them to the things that really mattered most and now are gone. 人们常常发现自己获得的胜利是空洞的，成功是以他们突然意识到的更有价值的事物为代价而来的。来自各行各业的人——医生、学者、演员、政治家、商业专业人士、运动员和水管工——常常努力追求更高的收入、更多的认可或某种程度的专业能力，却发现他们追求目标的动力使他们对真正重要的事物视而不见，而这些事物现在已经消失。
How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and, keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most. If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster. We may be very busy, we may be very efficient, but we will also be truly effective only when we Begin with the End in Mind. 当我们真正知道对我们来说什么是深刻重要的时，我们的生活是多么不同，并且在心中保持那个画面，我们每天管理自己，以成为和做真正最重要的事情。如果梯子没有靠在正确的墙上，我们每一步都只是更快地把我们带到错误的地方。我们可能非常忙碌，我们可能非常高效，但只有当我们以终为始时，我们才能真正有效。
If you carefully consider what you wanted to be said of you in the funeral experience, you will find your definition of success. It may be very different from the definition you thought you had in mind., achievement, money, or some of the other things we strive for are not even part of the right wall. When you Begin with the End in Mind, you gain a different perspective. One man asked another on the death of a mutual friend, “How much did he leave?” His friend responded, “He left it all.” 如果你仔细考虑在葬礼上希望别人对你说些什么，你会发现你对成功的定义。这可能与你原本认为的定义大相径庭，成就、金钱或其他一些我们追求的东西甚至不在正确的范围内。当你以终为始时，你会获得不同的视角。一个人问另一个人关于一个共同朋友的去世：“他留下了多少？”他的朋友回答：“他留下了一切。”
All Things Are Created Twice 一切事物都是两次创造的
“Begin with the End in Mind” is based on the principle that all things are created twice. There’s a mental or first creation, and a physical or second creation to all things “以终为始”基于一个原则，即所有事物都是被创造两次的。所有事物都有一个心理或第一次的创造，以及一个物理或第二次的创造。
Take the construction of a home, for example. You create it in every detail before you ever hammer the first nail into place. You try to get a very clear sense of what kind of house you want. If you want a family-centered home, you plan a family room where it would be a natural gathering place. You plan sliding doors and a patio for children to play outside. You work with ideas. You work with your mind until you get a clear image of what you want to build. Then you reduce it to blueprint and develop construction plans. All of this is done before the earth is touched. If not, then in the second creation, the physical creation, you will have to make expensive changes that may double the cost of your home. 以建造一个家为例。在你动手钉下第一颗钉子之前，你会在每一个细节上进行构思。你会努力清晰地了解自己想要什么样的房子。如果你想要一个以家庭为中心的家，你会规划一个家庭活动室，作为自然的聚集地。你会规划滑动门和一个供孩子们在外面玩耍的露台。你在构思中工作。你在脑海中工作，直到你对想要建造的东西有一个清晰的形象。然后你将其简化为蓝图并制定施工计划。所有这些都是在动土之前完成的。如果不这样做，那么在第二次创造，即物理创造中，你将不得不进行昂贵的更改，这可能会使你家的成本翻倍。
The carpenter’s rule is “measure twice, cut once.” You have to make sure that the blueprint, the first creation, is really what you want, that you’ve thought everything through. Then you put it into bricks and mortar. Each day you go to the construction shed and pull out the blueprint to get marching orders for the day. You Begin with the End in Mind. 木匠的规则是“量两次，切一次。”你必须确保蓝图，即第一次创作，确实是你想要的，确保你已经考虑了所有事情。然后你将其付诸于砖瓦。每天你都去施工棚，拿出蓝图以获取当天的工作指令。你要从结果出发。
For another example, look at a business. If you want to have a successful enterprise, you clearly define what you’re trying to accomplish. You carefully think through the product or service you want to provide in terms of your market target, then you organize all the elements – financial, research and development, operations, marketing, personnel, physical facilities, and so on – to meet that objective. The extent to which you Begin with the End in Mind often determines whether or not you are able to create a successful enterprise. Most business failures begin in the first creation, with problems such as under capitalization, misunderstanding of the market, or lack of a business plan. 另一个例子是商业。如果你想拥有一个成功的企业，你需要清楚地定义你想要实现的目标。你需要仔细考虑你想要提供的产品或服务，明确你的市场目标，然后组织所有的要素——财务、研发、运营、市场营销、人事、物理设施等等——以实现这个目标。你是否以目标为导向往往决定了你是否能够创建一个成功的企业。大多数商业失败始于最初的创建，常见的问题包括资金不足、对市场的误解或缺乏商业计划。
The same is true with parenting. If you want to raise responsible, self-disciplined children, you have to keep that end clearly in mind as you interact with your children on a daily basis. You can’t behave toward them in ways that undermine their self-discipline or self-esteem. 养育孩子也是如此。如果你想培养负责任、自律的孩子，你必须在日常与孩子互动时清楚地牢记这一目标。你不能以削弱他们自律或自尊的方式对待他们。
To varying degrees, people use this principle in many different areas of life. Before you go on a trip, you determine your destination and plan out the best route. Before you plant a garden, you plan it out in your mind, possibly on paper. You create speeches on paper before you give them, you envision the landscaping in your yard before you landscape it, you design the clothes you make before you thread the needle. 人们在生活的许多不同领域以不同程度运用这一原则。在你出行之前，你确定目的地并规划最佳路线。在你种花园之前，你在脑海中或许在纸上规划它。在你发表演讲之前，你在纸上写下演讲稿，在你进行园艺之前，你设想你院子的景观，在你穿针之前，你设计你要制作的衣服。
To the extent to which we understand the principle of two creations and accept the responsibility for both, we act within and enlarge the borders of our Circle of Influence. To the extent to which we do not operate in harmony with this principle and take charge of the first creation, we diminish it. 在我们理解两次创造的原则并接受对两者的责任的程度上，我们在我们的影响圈内行动并扩大其边界。在我们未能与这一原则和谐运作并掌控第一次创造的程度上，我们则会削弱它。
By Design or Default 按设计或默认
It’s a principle that all things are created twice, but not all first creations are by conscious design. In our personal lives, if we do not develop our own self-awareness and become responsible for first creations, we empower other people and circumstances outside our Circle or Influence to shape much of our lives by default. We reactively live the scripts handed to us by family, associates, other people’s agendas, the pressures of circumstance – scripts from our earlier years, from our training, our conditioning. 这是一个原则，所有事物都是被创造两次，但并非所有第一次创造都是出于有意识的设计。在我们的个人生活中，如果我们不发展自己的自我意识并对第一次创造负责，我们就会默认地赋予其他人和我们影响圈外的环境塑造我们生活的权力。我们被动地生活在家人、同事、他人的议程、环境压力所交给我们的剧本中——这些剧本来自我们早年的经历、我们的训练、我们的条件反射。
These scripts come from people, not principles. And they rise out of our deep vulnerabilities, our deep dependency on others and our need for acceptance and love, for belonging, for a sense of importance and worth, for a feeling that we matter. 这些脚本来自人，而不是原则。它们源于我们深层的脆弱，我们对他人的深度依赖，以及我们对接受和爱的需求，对归属感的需求，对重要性和价值感的需求，对我们重要的感觉。
Whether we are aware of it or not, whether we are in control of it or not, there is a first creation to every part of our lives. We are either the second creation of our own proactive design, or we are the second creation of other people’s agendas, of circumstances, or of past habits 无论我们是否意识到，无论我们是否控制它，我们生活的每个部分都有一个初始创造。我们要么是自己主动设计的第二次创造，要么是他人议程、环境或过去习惯的第二次创造。
The unique human capacities of self-awareness, imagination, and conscience enable us to examine first creations and make it possible for us to take charge of our own first creation, to write our own script. Put another way, Habit 1 says, “You are the creator.” Habit 2 is the first creation. 独特的人类能力——自我意识、想象力和良知，使我们能够审视第一次创造，并使我们能够掌控自己的第一次创造，编写自己的剧本。换句话说，习惯 1 说：“你是创造者。”习惯 2 是第一次创造。
Leadership and Management -- The Two Creations 领导与管理 -- 两种创造
Habit 2 is based on principles of personal leadership, which means that leadership is the first creation. Leadership is not management. Management is the second creation, which we’ll discuss in the chapter on Habit 3. But leadership has to come first. 习惯 2 基于个人领导力的原则，这意味着领导力是第一创造。领导力不是管理。管理是第二创造，我们将在习惯 3 的章节中讨论。但领导力必须优先。
Management is a bottom-line focus: How can I best accomplish certain things? Leadership deals with the top line: What are the things I want to accomplish? In the words of both Peter Drucker and Warren Bennis, “Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.” Management is efficiency in climbing the ladder of success; leadership determines whether the ladder is leaning against the right wall. ...
You can quickly grasp the important difference between the two if you envision a group of producers cutting their way through the jungle with machetes. They’re the producers, the problem solvers. They’re cutting through the undergrowth, clearing it out. ...
The managers are behind them, sharpening their machetes, writing policy and procedure manuals, holding muscle development programs, bringing in improved technologies, and setting up working schedules and compensation programs for machete wielders. ...
The leader is the one who climbs the tallest tree, surveys the entire situation, and yells, “Wrong jungle!” ...
But how do the busy, efficient producers and managers often respond? “Shut up! We’re making progress.” ...
As individuals, groups, and businesses, we’re often so busy cutting through the undergrowth we don’t even realize we’re in the wrong jungle. And the rapidly changing environment in which we live makes effective leadership more critical than it has ever been – in every aspect of independent and interdependent life. ...
We are more in need of a vision or designation and a compass (a set of principles or directions) and less in need of a road map. We often don’t know what the terrain ahead will be like or what we will need to go through it; much will depend on our judgment at the time. But an inner compass will always give us direction. ...
Effectiveness – often even survival – does not depend solely on how much effort we expend, but on whether or not the effort we expend is in the right jungle. And the metamorphosis taking place in most every industry and profession demands leadership first and management second. ...
In business, the market is changing so rapidly that many products and services that successfully met consumer tastes and needs a few years ago are obsolete today. Proactive powerful leadership must constantly monitor environmental change, particularly ...
customer buying habits and motives, and provide the force necessary to organize resources in the right direction. ...
Such changes as deregulation of the airline industry, skyrocketing costs of health care, and the great quality and quantity of imported cars impact the environment in significant ways. If industries do not monitor the environment, including their own work teams, and exercise the creative leadership to keep headed in the right direction, no amount of management expertise can keep them from failing. ...
Efficient management without effective leadership is, as one individual phrased it, “like straightening deck chairs on the Titanic.” No management success can compensate for failure in leadership. But leadership is hard because we’re often caught in a management paradigm. ...
At the final session of a year-long executive development program in Seattle, the president of an oil company came up to me and said, "Stephen, when you pointed out the difference between leadership and management in the second month, I looked at my role as the president of this company and realized that I had never been into leadership. I was deep into management, buried by pressing challenges and the details of day-to-day logistics. So I decided to withdraw from management. I could get other people to do that. I wanted to really lead my organization. ...
"It was hard. I went through withdrawal pains because I stopped dealing with a lot of the pressing, urgent matters that were right in front of me and which gave me a sense of immediate accomplishment. I didn’t receive much satisfaction as I started wrestling with the direction issues, the culture-building issues, the deep analysis of problems, the seizing of new opportunities. Others also went through withdrawal pains from their working style comfort zones. They missed the easy accessibility I had given them before. They still wanted me to be available to them, to respond, to help solve their problems on a day-today basis. ...
“But I persisted. I was absolutely convinced that I needed to provide leadership. And I did. Today our whole business is different. We’re more in line with our environment. We have doubled our revenues and quadrupled our profits. I’m into leadership.” ...
I’m convinced that too often parents are also trapped in the management paradigm, thinking of control, efficiency, and rules instead of direction, purpose, and family feeling. And leadership is even more lacking in our personal lives. We’re into managing with efficiency, setting and achieving goals before we have even clarified our values. ...
Rescripting: Becoming Your Own First Creator ...
As we previously observed, proactivity is based on the unique human endowment of self-awareness. The two additional unique human endowments that enable us to expand our proactivity and to exercise personal leadership in our lives are imagination and conscience. ...
Through imagination, we can visualize the uncreated worlds of potential that lie within us. Through conscience, we can come in contact with universal laws or principles with our own singular talents and avenues of contribution, and with the personal guidelines within which we can most effectively develop them. Combined with self-awareness, these two endowments empower us to write our own script. ...
Because we already live with many scripts that have been handed to us, the process of writing our own script is actually more a process of “rescripting,” or Paradigm Shifting -of changing some of the basic paradigms that we already have. As we recognize the ineffective scripts, the incorrect or incomplete paradigms within us, we can proactively begin to rescript ourselves. ...
I think one of the most inspiring accounts of the rescripting process comes from the autobiography of Anwar Sadat, past president of Egypt. Sadat had been reared, nurtured, and deeply scripted in a hatred for Israel. He would make the statement on national television, “I will never shake the hand of an Israeli as long as they occupy one inch of Arab soil. Never, never, never!” And huge crowds all around the country would chant, “Never, never, never!” He marshaled the energy and unified the will of the whole country in that script. ...
The script was very independent and nationalistic, and it aroused deep emotions in the people. But it was also very foolish, and Sadat knew it. It ignored the perilous, highly interdependent reality of the situation. ...
So he rescripted himself. It was a process he had learned when he was a young man imprisoned in Cell 54, a solitary cell in Cairo Central Prison, as a result of his involvement in a conspiracy plot against King Farouk. He learned to withdraw from his own mind and look at it to see if the scripts were appropriate and wise. He learned how to vacate his own mind and, through a deep personal process of meditation, to work with his own scriptures, his own form of prayer, and rescript himself. ...
He records that he was almost loath to leave his prison cell because it was there that he realized that real success is success with self. It’s not in having things, but in having mastery, having victory over self. ...
For a period of time during Nasser’s administration Sadat was relegated to a position of relative insignificance. Everyone felt that his spirit was broken, but it wasn’t. They were projecting their own home movies onto him. They didn’t understand him. He was biding his time. ...
And when that time came, when he became president of Egypt and confronted the political realities, he rescripted himself toward Israel. He visited the Knesset in Jerusalem and opened up one of the most precedent-breaking peace movements in the history of the world, a bold initiative that eventually brought about the Camp David Accord. ...
Sadat was able to use his self-awareness, his imagination, and his conscience to exercise personal leadership, to change an essential paradigm, to change the way he saw the situation. He worked in the center of his Circle of Influence. And from that rescripting, that change in paradigm, flowed changes in behavior and attitude that affected millions of lives in the wider Circle of Concern. ...
In developing our own self-awareness many of us discover ineffective scripts, deeply embedded habits that are totally unworthy of us, totally incongruent with the things we really value in life. Habit 2 says we don’t have to live with those scripts. We are responseable to use our imagination and creativity to write new ones that are more effective, more congruent with our deepest values and with the correct principles that give our values meaning. ...
Suppose, for example, that I am highly over reactive to my children. Suppose that whenever they begin to do something I feel is inappropriate, I sense an immediate ...
tensing in the pit of my stomach. feel defensive walls go up; I prepare for battle. My focus is not on the long-term growth and understanding but on the short-term behavior. I’m trying to win the battle, not the war. ...
I pull out my ammunition – my superior size, my position of authority – and I yell or intimidate or I threaten or punish. And I win. I stand there, victorious, in the middle of the debris of a shattered relationship while my children are outwardly submissive and inwardly rebellious, suppressing feelings that will come out later in uglier ways. ...
Now if I were sitting at that funeral we visualized earlier, and one of my children was about to speak, I would want his life to represent the victory of teaching, training, and disciplining with love over a period of years rather than the battle scars of quick-fix skirmishes. I would want his heart and mind to be filled with the pleasant memories of deep, meaningful times together. I would want him to remember me as a loving father who shared the fun and the pain of growing up. I would want him to remember the times he came to me with his problems and concerns. I would want to have listened and loved and helped. I would want him to know I wasn’t perfect, but that I had tried with everything I had. And that, perhaps more than anybody in the world, I loved him. ...
The reason I would want those things is because, deep down, I value my children. I love them, I want to help them. I value my role as their father. But I don’t always see those values. I get caught up in the “thick of thin things.” What matters most gets buried under layers of pressing problems, immediate concerns, and outward behaviors. I become reactive. And the way I interact with my children every day often bears little resemblance to the way I deeply feel about them. ...
Because I am self-aware, because I have imagination and conscience, I can examine my deepest values. I can realize that the script I’m living is not in harmony with those values, that my life is not the product of my own proactive design, but the result of the first creation I have deferred to circumstances and other people. And I can change. I can live out of my imagination instead of my memory. I can tie myself to my limitless potential instead of my limiting past. I can become my own first creator. ...
To Begin with the End in Mind means to approach my role as a parent, as well as my other roles in life, with my values and directions clear. It means to be responsible for my own first creation, to descript myself so that the paradigms from which my behavior and attitude flow are congruent with my deepest values and in harmony with correct principles. ...
It also means to begin each day with those values firmly in mind. Then as the vicissitudes, as the challenges come, I can make my decisions based on those values. I can act with integrity. I don’t have to react to the emotion, the circumstance. I can be truly proactive, value driven, because my values are clear. ...
A Personal Mission Statement ...
The most effective way I know to Begin with the End in Mind is to develop a personal mission statement or philosophy or creed. It focuses on what you want to be (character) and to do (contributions and achievements) and on the values or principles upon which being and doing are based ...
Because each individual is unique, a personal mission statement will reflect that uniqueness, both in content and form. My friend, Rolfe Kerr, has expressed his personal creed in this way: ...
Succeed at home first. ...
Seek and merit divine help. ...
Never compromise with honesty. ...
Remember the people involved. ...
Hear both sides before judging. ...
Obtain counsel of others. ...
Defend those who are absent. ...
Be sincere yet decisive. ...
Develop one new proficiency a year. ...
Plan tomorrow’s work today. ...
Hustle while you wait. ...
Maintain a positive attitude. ...
Keep a sense of humor. ...
Be orderly in person and in work. ...
Do not fear mistakes – fear only the absence of creative, constructive, and corrective responses to those mistakes. ...
Facilitate the success of subordinates. ...
Listen twice as much as you speak. ...
Concentrate all abilities and efforts on the task at hand, not worrying about the next job or promotion. ...
A woman seeking to balance family and work values has expressed her sense of personal mission differently: ...
I will seek to balance career and family as best I can since both are important to me. ...
My home will be a place where I and my family, friends, and guests find joy, comfort, peace, and happiness. Still I will seek to create a clean and orderly environment, yet livable and comfortable. I will exercise wisdom in what we choose to eat, read, see, and do at home. I especially want to teach my children to love, to learn, and to laugh – and to work and develop their unique talents. ...
I value the rights, freedoms, and responsibilities of our democratic society. I will be a concerned and informed citizen, involved in the political process to ensure my voice is heard and my vote is counted. ...
I will be a self-starting individual who exercises initiative in accomplishing my life’s goals. I will act on situations and opportunities, rather than to be acted upon. ...
I will always try to keep myself free from addictive and destructive habits. I will develop habits that free me from old labels and limits and expand my capabilities and choices. ...
My money will be my servant, not my master. I will seek financial independence over time. My wants will be subject to my needs and my means. Except for long-term home and car loans, I will seek to keep myself free from consumer debt. I will spend less than I earn and regularly save or invest part of my income. ...
Moreover, I will use what money and talents I have to make life more enjoyable for others through service and charitable giving. ...
You could call a personal mission statement a personal constitution. Like the United States Constitution, it’s fundamentally changeless. In over 200 years, there have been only 26 amendments, 10 of which were in the original Bill of Rights. ...
The United States Constitution is the standard by which every law in the country is evaluated. It is the document the president agrees to defend and support when he takes the Oath of Allegiance. It is the criterion by which people are admitted into citizenship. It is the foundation and the center that enables people to ride through such major traumas as the Civil War, Vietnam, or Watergate. It is the written standard, the key criterion by which everything else is evaluated and directed. ...
The Constitution has endured and serves its vital function today because it is based on correct principles, on the self-evident truths contained in the Declaration of Independence. These principles empower the Constitution with a timeless strength, even in the midst of social ambiguity and change. “Our peculiar security,” said Thomas Jefferson, “is in the possession of a written Constitution.” ...
A personal mission statement based on correct principles becomes the same kind of standard for an individual. It becomes a personal constitution, the basis for making major, life-directing decisions, the basis for making daily decisions in the midst of the circumstances and emotions that affect our lives. It empowers individuals with the same timeless strength in the midst of change. ...
People can’t live with change if there’s not a changeless core inside them. The key to the ability to change is a changeless sense of who you are, what you are about and what you value. ...
With a mission statement, we can flow with changes. We don’t need prejudgments or prejudices. We don’t need to figure out everything else in life, to stereotype and categorize everything and everybody in order to accommodate reality ...
Our personal environment is also changing at an ever-increasing pace. Such rapid change burns out a large number of people who feel they can hardly handle it, can hardly cope with life. They become reactive and essentially give up, hoping that the things that happen to them will be good. ...
But it doesn’t have to be that way. In the Nazi death camps where Viktor Frankl learned the principle of proactivity, he also learned the importance of purpose, of meaning in life. The essence of “logotherapy,” the philosophy he later developed and taught, is that many ...
so-called mental and emotional illnesses are really symptoms of an underlying sense of meaninglessness or emptiness. Logotherapy eliminates that emptiness by helping the individual to detect his unique meaning, his mission in life. ...
Once you have that sense of mission, you have the essence of your own proactivity. You have the vision and the values which direct your life. You have the basic direction from which you set your long- and short-term goals. You have the power of a written constitution based on correct principles, against which every decision concerning the most effective use of your time, your talents, and your energies can be effectively measured. ...
At the Center ...
In order to write a personal mission statement, we must begin at the very center of our Circle of Influence, that center comprised of our most basic Our paradigms, the lens through which we see the world. ...
It is here that we deal with our vision and our values. It is here that we use our endowment of self-awareness to examine our maps and, if we value correct principles, to make certain that our maps accurately describe the territory, that our paradigms are based on principles and reality. It is here that we use our endowment of conscience as a compass to help us detect our own unique talents and areas of contribution. It is here that we use our endowment of imagination to mentally create the end we desire, giving direction and purpose to our beginnings and providing the substance of a written personal constitution. ...
It is also here that our focused efforts achieve the greatest results. As we work within the very center of our Circle of Influence, we expand it. This is highest-leverage PC work, significantly impacting the effectiveness of every aspect of our lives. ...
Whatever is at the center of our life will be the source of our security, guidance, wisdom, and power. Security represents your sense of worth, your identity, your emotional anchorage, your self-esteem, your basic personal strength or lack of it. ...
Guidance means your source of direction in life. Encompassed by your map, your internal frame of reference that interprets for you what is happening out there, are standards or principles or implicit criteria that govern moment-by-moment decisionmaking and doing. ...
Wisdom is your perspective on life, your sense of balance, your understanding of how the various parts and principles apply and relate to each other. It embraces judgment, discernment, comprehension. It is a gestalt or oneness, an integrated wholeness. ...
Power is the faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something. It is the vital energy to make choices and decisions. It also includes the capacity to overcome deeply embedded habits and to cultivate higher, more effective ones. ...
These four factors – security, guidance, wisdom, and power – are interdependent. Security and clear guidance bring true wisdom, and wisdom becomes the spark or catalyst to release and direct power. When these four factors are present together, harmonized and enlivened by each other, they create the great force of a noble personality, a balanced character, a beautifully integrated individual. ...
These life-support factors also undergird every other dimension of life. And none of them is an all-or-nothing matter. The degree to which you have developed each one could be charted somewhere on a continuum, much like the Maturity Continuum described earlier. At the bottom end, the four factors are weak. You are basically dependent on circumstances or other people, things over which you have no direct control. At the top end you are in control. You have independent strength and the foundation for rich, interdependent relationships. ...
Your security lies somewhere on the continuum between extreme insecurity on one end, wherein your life is buffeted by all the fickle forces that play upon it, and a deep sense of high intrinsic worth and personal security on the other end. Your guidance ranges on the continuum from dependence on the social mirror or other unstable, fluctuating sources to strong inner direction. Your wisdom falls somewhere between a totally inaccurate map where everything is distorted and nothing seems to fit, and a complete and accurate map of life wherein all the parts and principles are properly related to each other. Your power lies somewhere between immobilization or being a puppet pulled by someone else’s strings to high proactivity, the power to act according to your own values instead of being acted upon by other people and circumstances. ...
The location of these factors on the continuum, the resulting degree of their integration, harmony, and balance, and their positive impact on every aspect of your life is a function of your center, the basic paradigms at your very core. ...
Alternative Centers ...
Each of us has a center, though we usually don’t recognize it as such. Neither do we recognize the all-encompassing effects of that center on every aspect of our lives. ...
Let’s briefly examine several centers or core paradigms people typically have for a better understanding of how they affect these four fundamental dimensions and, ultimately, the sum of life that flows from them. ...
Spouse Centeredness. Marriage can be the most intimate, the most satisfying, the most enduring, growth-producing of human relationships. It might seem natural and proper to be centered on one’s husband or wife. ...
But experience and observation tell a different story. Over the years, I have been involved in working with many troubled marriages, and I have observed a certain thread weaving itself through almost every spouse-centered relationship I have encountered. That thread is strong emotional dependence. ...
If our sense of emotional worth comes primarily from our marriage, then we become highly dependent upon that relationship. We become vulnerable to the moods and feelings, the behavior and treatment of our spouse, or to any external event that may impinge on the relationship – a new child, in-laws, economic setbacks, social successes, and so forth. ...
When responsibilities increase and stresses come in the marriage, we tend to revert to the scripts we were given as we were growing up. But so does our spouse. And those scripts are usually different. Different ways of handling financial, child-discipline, or in-law issues come to the surface. When these deep-seated tendencies combine with the emotional dependency in the marriage, the spouse-centered relationship reveals all its vulnerability. ...
When we are dependent on the person with whom we are in conflict, both need and conflict are compounded. Love-hate overreactions, fight-or-flight tendencies, withdrawal, aggressiveness, bitterness, resentment, and cold competition are some of the usual results. When these occur, we tend to fall even further back on background tendencies and habits in an effort to justify and defend our own behavior and we attack our spouse’s. ...
Inevitably, anytime we are too vulnerable we feel the need to protect ourselves from further wounds. So we resort to sarcasm, cutting humor, criticism – anything that will keep from exposing the tenderness within. Each partner tends to wait on the initiative of the other for love, only to be disappointed but also confirmed as to the rightness of the accusations made. ...
There is only phantom security in such a relationship when all appears to be going well. Guidance is based on the emotion of the moment. Wisdom and power are lost in the counterdependent negative interactions. ...
Family Centeredness. Another common center is the family. This, too, may seem to be natural and proper. As an area of focus and deep investment, it provides great opportunities for deep relationships, for loving, for sharing, for much that makes life worthwhile. But as a center, it ironically destroys the very elements necessary to family success. ...
People who are family-centered get their sense of security or personal worth from the family tradition and culture or the family reputation. Thus, they become vulnerable to any changes in that tradition or culture and to any influences that would affect that reputation. ...
Family-centered parents do not have the emotional freedom, the power, to raise their children with their ultimate welfare truly in mind. If they derive their own security from the family, their need to be popular with their children may override the importance of a long-term investment in their children’s growth and development. Or they may be focused on the proper and correct behavior of the moment. Any behavior that they consider improper threatens their security. They become upset, guided by the emotions of the moment, spontaneously reacting to the immediate concern rather than the longterm growth and development of the child. They may overreact and punish out of bad temper. They tend to love their children conditionally, making them emotionally dependent or counterdependent and rebellious. ...
Money Centeredness. Another logical and extremely common center to people’s lives is making money. Economic security is basic to one’s opportunity to do much in any other dimension. In a hierarchy or continuum of needs, physical survival and financial security comes first. Other needs are not even activated until that basic need is satisfied, at least minimally. ...
Most of us face economic worries. Many forces in the wider culture can and do act upon our economic situation, causing or threatening such disruption that we often experience concern and worry that may not always rise to the conscious surface. ...
Sometimes there are apparently noble reasons given for making money, such as the desire to take care of one’s family. And these things are important. But to focus on money-making as a center will bring about its own undoing. ...
Consider again the four life-support factors – security, guidance, wisdom, and power. Suppose I derive much of my security from my employment or from my income or net worth. Since many factors affect these economic foundations, I become anxious and uneasy, protective and defensive, about anything that may affect them. When my sense of personal worth comes from my net worth, I am vulnerable to anything that will affect that net worth. But work and money, per se, provide no wisdom, no guidance, and only a limited degree of power and security. All it takes to show the limitations of a money center is a crisis in my life or in the life of a loved one. ...
Money-centered people often put aside family or other priorities, assuming everyone will understand that economic demands come first. I know one father who was leaving with his children for a promised trip to the circus when a phone call came for him to come to work instead. He declined. When his wife suggested that perhaps he should have gone to work, he responded, “The work will come again, but childhood won’t.” For the rest of their lives his children remembered this little act of priority setting, not only as an object lesson in their minds but as an expression of love in their hearts. ...
Work Centeredness. Work-centered people may become “workaholics,” driving themselves to produce at the sacrifice of health, relationships, and other important areas of their lives. Their fundamental identity comes from their work – “I’m a doctor,” “I’m a writer,” “I’m an actor.” ...
Because their identity and sense of self-worth are wrapped up in their work, their security is vulnerable to anything that happens to prevent them from continuing in it. Their guidance is a function of the demands of the work. Their wisdom and power come in the limited areas of their work, rendering them ineffective in other areas of life. ...
Possession Centeredness. A driving force of many people is possessions – not only tangible, material possessions such as fashionable clothes, homes, cars, boats, and jewelry, but also the intangible possessions of fame, glory, or social prominence. Most of us are aware, through our own experience, how singularly flawed such a center is, simply because it can vanish rapidly and it is influenced by so many forces. ...
If my sense of security lies in my reputation or in the things I have, my life will be in a constant state of threat and jeopardy that these possessions may be lost or stolen or devalued. If I’m in the presence of someone of greater net worth or fame or status, I feel inferior. If I’m in the presence of someone of lesser net worth or fame or status, I feel superior. My sense of self-worth constantly fluctuates. I don’t have any sense of constancy or anchorage or persistent selfhood. I am constantly trying to protect and insure my assets, properties, securities, position, or reputation. We have all heard stories of people committing suicide after losing their fortunes in a significant stock decline or their fame in a political reversal. ...
Pleasure Centeredness. Another common center, closely allied with possessions, is that of fun and pleasure. We live in a world where instant gratification is available and encouraged. Television and movies are major influences in increasing people’s expectations. They graphically portray what other people have and can do in living the life of ease and “fun.” ...
But while the glitter of pleasure-centered lifestyles is graphically portrayed, the natural result of such lifestyles – the impact on the inner person, on productivity, on relationships – is seldom accurately seen. ...
Innocent pleasures in moderation can provide relaxation for the body and mind and can foster family and other relationships. But pleasure, per se, offers no deep, lasting satisfaction or sense of fulfillment. The pleasure-centered person, too soon bored with each succeeding level of “fun,” constantly cries for more and more. So the next new pleasure has to be bigger and better, more exciting, with a bigger “high.” A person in this state becomes almost entirely narcissistic, interpreting all of life in terms of the pleasure it provides to the self here and now. ...
Too many vacations that last too long, too many movies, too much TV, too much video game playing – too much undisciplined leisure time in which a person continually takes the course of least resistance – gradually wastes a life. It ensures that a person’s capacities stay dormant, that talents remain undeveloped, that the mind and spirit become lethargic and that the heart is unfulfilled. Where is the security, the guidance, the wisdom, and the power? At the low end of the continuum, in the pleasure of a fleeting moment. ...
Malcom Muggeridge writes “A Twentieth-Century Testimony”: ...
When I look back on my life nowadays, which I sometimes do, what strikes me most forcibly about it is that what seemed at the time most significant and seductive, seems now most futile and absurd. For instance, success in all of its various guises; being known and being praised; ostensible pleasures, like acquiring money or seducing women, or traveling, going to and fro in the world and up and down in it like Satan, explaining and experiencing whatever Vanity Fair has to offer. ...
In retrospect, all these exercises in self-gratification seem pure fantasy, what Pascal called, “licking the earth.” ...
Friend/Enemy Centeredness. Young people are particularly, though certainly not exclusively, susceptible to becoming friend-centered. Acceptance and belonging to a peer group can become almost supremely important. The distorted and ever-changing social mirror becomes the source for the four life-support factors, creating a high degree of dependence on the fluctuating moods, feelings, attitudes, and behavior of others. ...
Friend centeredness can also focus exclusively on one person, taking on some of the dimensions of marriage. The emotional dependence on one individual, the escalating need/conflict spiral, and the resulting negative interactions can grow out of friend centeredness. ...
And what about putting an enemy at the center of one’s life? Most people would never think of it, and probably no one would ever do it consciously. Nevertheless, enemy centering is very common, particularly when there is frequent interaction between people who are in real conflict. When someone feels he has been unjustly dealt with by an emotionally or socially significant person, it is very easy for him to become preoccupied with the injustice and make the other person the center of his life. Rather than proactively leading his own life, the enemy-centered person is counterdependently reacting to the behavior and attitudes of a perceived enemy. ...
One friend of mine who taught at a university became very distraught because of the weaknesses of a particular administrator with whom he had a negative relationship. He allowed himself to think until eventually it became an obsession. It so preoccupied him that it affected the quality of his relationships with his family, his church, and his working associates. He finally came to the conclusion that he had to leave the university and accept a teaching appointment somewhere else. ...
“Wouldn’t you really prefer to teach at this university, if the man were not here?” I asked him. ...
“Yes, I would,” he responded. "But as long as he is here, then my staying is too disruptive to everything in life. I have to go. ...
“Why have you made this administrator the center of your life?” I asked him. ...
He was shocked by the question. He denied it. But I pointed out to him that he was allowing one individual and his weaknesses to distort his entire map of life, to undermine his faith and the quality of his relationships with his loved ones. ...
He finally admitted that this individual had had such an impact on him, but he denied that he himself had made all these choices. He attributed the responsibility for the unhappy situation to the administrator. He, himself, he declared, was not responsible. ...
As we talked, little by little, he came to realize that he was indeed responsible, but that because he did not handle this responsibility well, he was being irresponsible. ...
Many divorced people fall into a similar pattern. They are still consumed with anger and bitterness and self-justification regarding an ex-spouse. In a negative sense, psychologically they are still married – they each need the weaknesses of the former partner to justify their accusations. ...
Many “older” children go through life either secretly or openly hating their parents. They blame them for past abuses, neglect, or favoritism and they center their adult life on that hatred, living out the reactive, justifying script that accompanies it. ...
The individual who is friend- or enemy-centered has no intrinsic security. Feelings of self-worth are volatile, a function of the emotional state or behavior of other people. Guidance comes from the person’s perception of how others will respond, and wisdom is limited by the social lens or by an enemy-centered paranoia. The individual has no power. Other people are pulling the strings. ...
Church Centeredness. I believe that almost anyone who is seriously involved in any church will recognize that churchgoing is not synonymous with personal spirituality. There are some people who get so busy in church worship and projects that they become insensitive to the pressing human needs that surround them, contradicting the very precepts they profess to believe deeply. There are others who attend church less frequently or not at all but whose attitudes and behavior reflect a more genuine centering in the principles of the basic Judeo-Christian ethic. ...
Having participated throughout my life in organized church and community service groups, I have found that attending church does not necessarily mean living the principles taught in those meetings. You can be active in a church but inactive in its gospel. ...
In the church-centered life, image or appearance can become a person’s dominant consideration, leading to hypocrisy that undermines personal security and intrinsic worth. Guidance comes from a social conscience, and the church-centered person tends to label others artificially in terms of “active,” “inactive,” “liberal,” “orthodox,” or “conservative.” ...
Because the church is a formal organization made up of policies, programs, practices, and people, it cannot by itself give a person any deep, permanent security or sense of intrinsic worth. Living the principles taught by the church can do this, but the organization alone cannot. ...
Nor can the church give a person a constant sense of guidance. Church-centered people often tend to live in compartments, acting and thinking and feeling in certain ways on the Sabbath and in totally different ways on weekdays. Such a lack of wholeness or unity or integrity is a further threat to security, creating the need for increased labeling and selfjustifying. ...
Seeing the church as an end rather than as a means to an end undermines a person’s wisdom and sense of balance. Although the church claims to teach people about the source of power, it does not claim to be that power itself. It claims to be one vehicle through which divine power can be channeled into man’s nature. ...
Self-Centeredness. Perhaps the most common center today is the self. The most obvious form is selfishness, which violates the values of most people. But if we look closely at many of the popular approaches to growth and self-fulfillment, we often find selfcentering at their core. ...
There is little security, guidance, wisdom, or power in the limited center of self. Like the Dead Sea in Palestine, it accepts but never gives. It becomes stagnant. ...
On the other hand, paying attention to the development of self in the greater perspective of improving one’s ability to serve, to produce, to contribute in meaningful ways, gives context for dramatic increase in the four life-support factors ...
These are some of the more common centers from which people approach life. It is often much easier to recognize the center in someone else’s life than to see it in your own. You probably know someone who puts making money ahead of everything else. You probably know someone whose energy is devoted to justifying his or her position in an ongoing negative relationship. If you look, you can sometimes see beyond behavior into the center that creates it. ...
Identifying Your Center ...
But where do you stand? What is at the center of your own life? Sometimes that isn’t easy to see Perhaps the best way to identify your own center is to look closely at your lifesupport factors. If you can identify with one or more of the descriptions below, you can trace it back to the center from which it flows, a center which may be limiting your personal effectiveness. ...
If you are Spouse Centered… ...
SECURITY ...
Your feelings of security are based on the way your spouse treats you. ...
You are highly vulnerable to the moods and feelings of your spouse. ...
There is deep disappointment resulting in withdrawal or conflict when your spouse disagrees with you or does not meet your expectations. ...
Anything that may impinge on the relationship is perceived as a threat. ...
GUIDANCE ...
Your direction comes from your own needs and wants and from those of your spouse. ...
Your decision-making criterion is limited to what you think is best for your marriage or your mate, or to the preferences and opinions of your spouse. ...
Your decision-making criterion is limited to what you think is best for your marriage or your mate, or to the preferences and opinions of your spouse. ...
WISDOM ...
Your life perspective surrounds things which may positively or negatively influence your spouse or your relationship. ...
POWER ...
Your power to act is limited by weaknesses in your spouse and in yourself. ...
If you are Family Centered... ...
SECURITY ...
Your security is founded on family acceptance and fulfilling family expectations. ...
Your sense of personal security is as volatile as the family. ...
Your feelings of self-worth are based on the family reputation. ...
GUIDANCE ...
Family scripting is your source of correct attitudes and behaviors. ...
Your decision-making criterion is what is good for the family, or what family members want. ...
WISDOM ...
You interpret all of life in terms of your family, creating a partial understanding and family narcissism. ...
POWER ...
Your actions are limited by family models traditions. ...
If you are Money Centered... ...
SECURITY ...
Your personal worth is determined by your net worth. ...
You are vulnerable to anything that threatens your economic security. ...
GUIDANCE ...
Profit is your decision-making criterion. ...
WISDOM ...
Moneymaking is the lens through which life is seen and understood, creating imbalanced judgment. ...
POWER ...
You are restricted to what you can accomplish with your money and your limited vision. ...
If you are Work Centered... ...
SECURITY ...
You tend to define yourself by your occupational role. ...
You are only comfortable when you are working. ...
GUIDANCE ...
You make your decisions based on the needs and expectations of your work. ...
WISDOM ...
You tend to be limited to your work role. ...
POWER ...
Your actions are limited by work role models, organizational constraints, occupational opportunities, your boss’s perceptions, and your possible inability at some point in your life to do that particular work. ...
If you are Possession Centered... ...
SECURITY ...
Your security is based on your reputation, your social status, or the tangible things you possess. You tend to compare what you have to what others have. ...
GUIDANCE ...
You make your decisions based on what will protect, increase, or better display your possessions. ...
WISDOM ...
You see the world in terms of comparative economic and social relationships. ...
POWER ...
You function within the limits of what you can buy or the social prominence you can achieve. ...
If you are Pleasure Centered... ...
SECURITY ...
You feel secure only when you’re on a pleasure "high. ...
Your security is short-lived, anesthetizing, and dependent on your environment. ...
GUIDANCE ...
You make your decisions based on what will give you the most pleasure. ...
WISDOM ...
You see the world in terms of what’s in it for you. ...
POWER ...
Your power is almost negligible. ...
If you are Friend Centered… ...
SECURITY ...
Your security is a function of the social mirror. ...
You are highly dependent on the opinion of others. ...
GUIDANCE ...
Your decision-making criterion is "What will they think? ...
You are easily embarrassed. ...
WISDOM ...
You see the world through a social lens. ...
Your actions are as fickle as opinion. ...
POWER ...
You are limited by your social comfort zone. ...
If you are Enemy Centered… ...
SECURITY ...
Your security is volatile, based on the movements of your enemy. ...
You are always wondering what he is up to. ...
You seek self-justification and validation from the like-minded. ...
GUIDANCE ...
You are counter-dependently guided by your enemy’s actions. ...
You make your decisions based on what will thwart your enemy. ...
WISDOM ...
Your judgment is narrow and distorted. ...
You are defensive, over-reactive, and often paranoid. ...
POWER ...
The little power you do have comes from anger, envy, resentment, and vengeance -negative energy that shrivels and destroys, leaving energy for littlle else. ...
If you are Church Centered... ...
SECURITY ...
Your security is based on church activity and on the esteem in which you are held by those in authority or influence in the church. ...
You find identity and security in religious labels and comparisons. ...
GUIDANCE ...
You are guided by how others will evaluate your actions in the context of church teachings and expectations. ...
WISDOM ...
You see the world in terms of “believers” and “non-believers,” “belongers” and "nonbelongers. ...
POWER ...
Perceived power comes from your church position or role. ...
If you are Self-Centered... ...
SECURITY ...
Your security is constantly changing and shifting. ...
GUIDANCE ...
Your judgment criteria are: “If it feels good…” “What I want.” “What I need.” "What’s in it for me? ...
WISDOM ...
You view the world by how decisions, events, or circumstances will affect you. ...
POWER ...
Your ability to act is limited to your own resources, without the benefits of interdependency. ...
More often than not, a person’s center is some combination of these and/or other centers. Most people are very much a function of a variety of influences that play upon their lives. Depending on external or internal conditions, one particular center may be activated until the underlying needs are satisfied. Then another center becomes the compelling force. ...
As a person fluctuates from one center to another, the resulting relativism is like roller coasting through life. One moment you’re high, the next moment you’re low, making efforts to compensate for one weakness by borrowing strength from another weakness. There is no consistent sense of direction, no persistent wisdom, no steady power supply or sense of personal, intrinsic worth and identity. ...
The ideal, of course, is to create one clear center from which you consistently derive a high degree of security, guidance, wisdom, and power, empowering your proactivity and giving congruency and harmony to every part of your life. ...
A Principle Center ...
By centering our lives on correct principles, we create a solid foundation for development of the four life-support factors ...
Our security comes from knowing that, unlike other centers based on people or things which are subject to frequent and immediate change, correct principles do not change. ...
We can depend on them Principles don’t react to anything. They won’t divorce us or run away with our best friend. They aren’t out to get us. They can’t pave our way with shortcuts and quick fixes. They don’t depend on the behavior of others, the environment, or the current fad for their validity. Principles don’t die. ...
They aren’t here one day and gone the next. They can’t be destroyed by fire, earthquake, or theft. Principles are deep, fundamental truths, classic truths, generic common denominators. They are tightly interwoven threads running with exactness, consistency, beauty, and strength through the fabric of life. ...
Even in the midst of people or circumstances that seem to ignore the principles, we can be secure in the knowledge that principles are bigger than people or circumstances, and that thousands of years of history have seen them triumph, time and time again. Even more important, we can be secure in the knowledge that we can validate them in our own lives, by our own experience. ...
Admittedly, we’re not omniscient. Our knowledge and understanding of correct principles is limited by our own lack of awareness of our true nature and the world around us and by the flood of trendy philosophies and theories that are not in harmony with correct principles. These ideas will have their season of acceptance, but, like many before them, they won’t endure because they’re built on false foundations. ...
We are limited, but we can push back the borders of our limitations. An understanding of the principle of our own growth enables us to search out correct principles with the confidence that the more we learn, the more clearly we can focus the lens through which we see the world. The principles don’t change; our understanding of them does. ...
The wisdom and guidance that accompany Principle-Centered Living come from correct maps, from the way things really are, have been, and will be. Correct maps enable us to clearly see where we want to go and how to get there. We can make our decisions using the correct data that will make their implementation possible and meaningful. ...
The personal power that comes from Principle-Centered Living is the power of a selfaware, knowledgeable, proactive individual, unrestricted by the attitudes, behaviors, and actions of others or by many of the circumstances and environmental influences that limit other people. ...
The only real limitation of power is the natural consequences of the principles themselves. We are free to choose our actions, based on our knowledge of correct principles, but we are not free to choose the consequences of those actions. Remember, "If you pick up one end of the stick, you pick up the other. ...
Principles always have natural consequences attached to them. There are positive consequences when we live in harmony with the principles. There are negative consequences when we ignore them. But because these principles apply to everyone, whether or not they are aware, this limitation is universal. And the more we know of correct principles, the greater is our personal freedom to act wisely. ...
By centering our lives on timeless, unchanging principles, we create a fundamental paradigm of effective living. It is the center that puts all other centers in perspective. ...
If you are Principle Centered... ...
SECURITY ...
Your security is based on correct principles that do not change, regardless of external conditions or circumstances. ...
You know that true principles can repeatedly be validated in your own life, through your own experiences. ...
As a measurement of self-improvement, correct principles function with exactness, consistency, beauty and strength. ...
Correct principles help you understand your own development, endowing you with the confidence to learn more, thereby increasing your knowledge and understanding. ...
Your source of security provides you with an immovable, unchanging, unfailing core enabling you to see change as an exciting adventure and opportunity to make significant contributions. ...
GUIDANCE ...
You are guided by a compass which enables you to see where you want to go and how you will get there. ...
You use accurate data which makes your decisions both implementable and meaningful. ...
You stand apart from life’s situations, and circumstances and look at the balanced whole. ...
Your decisions and actions reflect both short and long-term considerations and implications. ...
In every situation, you consciously, proactively determine the best alternative, basing decisions on conscience educated by principles. ...
WISDOM ...
Your judgment encompasses a broad spectrum of long-term consequences and reflects a wise balance and quiet assurance. ...
You see things differently and thus you think and act differently from the largely reactive world. ...
You view the world through a fundamental paradigm for effective, provident living. ...
You see the world in terms of what you can do for the world and its people. ...
You adopt a proactive lifestyle, seeking to serve and build others. ...
You interpret all of life’s experiences in terms of opportunities for learning and contribution. ...
POWER ...
Your power is limited only by your understanding and observance of natural law and correct principles and by the natural consequences of the principles themselves. ...
You become a self-aware, knowledgeable, proactive individual, largely unrestricted by the attitudes, behaviors, or actions of others. ...
Your ability to act reaches far beyond your own resources and encourages highly developed levels of interdependency. ...
Your decisions and actions are not driven by your current financial or circumstantial limitations. ...
You experience an interdependent freedom. ...
Remember that your paradigm is the source from which your attitudes and behaviors flow. A paradigm is like a pair of glasses; it affects the way you see everything in your life. If you look at things through the paradigm of correct principles, what you see in life is dramatically different from what you see through any other centered paradigm. ...
I have included in the Appendix section of this book a detailed chart which shows how each center we’ve discussed might possibly affect the way you see everything else. But for a quick understanding of the difference your center makes, let’s look at just one example of a specific problem as seen through the different paradigms. As you read, try to put on each pair of glasses. Try to feel the response that flows from the different centers. ...
Suppose tonight you have invited your wife to go to a concert. You have the tickets; she’s excited about going. It’s four o’clock in the afternoon. ...
All of a sudden, your boss calls you into his office and says he needs your help through the evening to get ready for an important meeting at 9 A.M. tomorrow. ...
If you’re looking through spouse-centered or family-centered glasses, your main concern will be your wife. You may tell the boss you can’t stay and you take her to the concert in an effort to please her. You may feel you have to stay to protect your job, but you’ll do so grudgingly, anxious about her response, trying to justify your decision and protect yourself from her disappointment or anger. ...
If you’re looking through a money-centered lens, your main thought will be of the overtime you’ll get or the influence working late will have on a potential raise. You may call your wife and simply tell her you have to stay, assuming she’ll understand that economic demands come first. ...
If you’re work-centered, you may be thinking of the opportunity. You can learn more about the job. You can make some points with the boss and further your career. You may give yourself a pat on the back for putting hours well beyond what is required, evidence of what a hard worker you are. Your wife should be proud of you! ...
If you’re possession-centered, you might be thinking of the things the overtime income could buy. Or you might consider what an asset to your reputation at the office it would be if you stayed. Everyone would hear tomorrow how noble, how sacrificing and dedicated you are. ...
If you’re pleasure-centered, you’ll probably can the work and go to the concert, even if your wife would be happy for you to work late. You deserve a night out! ...
If you’re friend-centered, your decision would be influenced by whether or not you had invited friends to attend the concert with you. Or whether your friends at work were going to stay late, too. ...
If you’re enemy-centered, you may stay late because you know it will give you a big edge over that person in the office who thinks he’s the company’s greatest asset. While he’s off having fun, you’ll be working and slaving, doing his work and yours, sacrificing your personal pleasure for the good of the company he can so blithely ignore. ...
If you’re church-centered, you might be influenced by plans other church members have to attend the concert, by whether or not any church members work at your office, or by the nature of the concert – Handel’s Messiah might rate higher in priority than a rock concert. Your decision might also be affected by what you think a “good church member” would do and by whether you view the extra work as “service” or “seeking after material wealth.” ...
If you’re self-centered, you’ll be focused on what will do you the most good. Would it be better for you to go out for the evening? Or would it be better for you to make a few points with the boss? How the different options affect you will be your main concern. ...
As we consider various ways of looking at a single event, is it any wonder that we have “young lady/old lady” perception problems in our interactions with each other? Can you see how fundamentally our centers affect us? Right down to our motivations, our daily decisions, our actions (or, in too many cases, our reactions), our interpretations of events? That’s why understanding your own center is so important. And if that center does not empower you as a proactive person, it becomes fundamental to your effectiveness to make the necessary Paradigm Shifts to create a center that will. ...
As a principle-centered person, you try to stand apart from the emotion of the situation and from other factors that would act on you, and evaluate the option. Looking at the balanced whole – the work needs, the family needs, other needs that may be involved and the possible implications of the various alternative decisions – you’ll try to come up with the best solution, taking all factors into consideration. ...
Whether you go to the concert or stay and work is really a small part of an effective decision. You might make the same choice with a number of other centers. But there are several important differences when you are coming from a principle-centered paradigm. First, you are not being acted upon by other people or circumstances. You are proactively choosing what you determine to be the best alternative. You make your decisions consciously and knowledgeably. ...
Second, you know your decision is most effective because it is based on principles with predictable long-term results. ...
Third, what you choose to do contributes to your ultimate values in life. Staying at work to get the edge on someone at the office is an entirely different evening in your life from staying because you value your boss’s effectiveness and you genuinely want to contribute to the company’s welfare. The experiences you have as you carry out your decisions take on quality and meaning in the context of your life as a whole. ...
Fourth, you can communicate to your wife and your boss within strong networks you’ve created in your interdependent relationships. Because you are independent, you can be effectively interdependent. You might decide to delegate what is delegable and come in early the next morning to do the rest. ...
And finally, you’ll feel comfortable about your decision. Whatever you choose to do, you can focus on it and enjoy it. ...
As a principle-centered person, you see things differently. And because you see things differently, you think differently, you act differently. Because you have a high degree of security, guidance, wisdom, and power that flows from a solid, unchanging core, you have the foundation of a highly proactive and highly effective life. ...
Writing and Using a A Personal Mission Statement ...
As we go deeply within ourselves, as we understand and realign our basic paradigms to bring them in harmony with correct principles, we create both an effective, empowering center and a clear lens through which we can see the world. We can then focus that lens on how we, as unique individuals, relate to that world ...
Frankl says we detect rather than invent our missions in life. I like that choice of words. I think each of us has an internal monitor or sense, a conscience, that gives us an awareness of our own uniqueness and the singular contributions that we can make. In Frankl’s words, "Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone’s task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it. ...
In seeking to give verbal expression to that uniqueness, we are again reminded of the fundamental importance of proactivity and of working within our Circle of Influence. To seek some abstract meaning to our lives out in our Circle of Concern is to abdicate our proactive responsibility, to place our own first creation in the hands of circumstance and other people. ...
Our meaning comes from within. Again, in the words of Frankl, “Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.” ...
Personal responsibility, or proactivity, is fundamental to the first creation. Returning to the computer metaphor, Habit 1 says “You are the programmer.” Habit 2, then, says, “Write the program.” Until you accept the idea that you are responsible, that you are the programmer, you won’t really invest in writing the program. ...
As proactive people, we can begin to give expression to what we want to be and to do in our lives. We can write a personal mission statement, a personal constitution. ...
A mission statement is not something you write overnight. It takes deep introspection, careful analysis, thoughtful expression, and often many rewrites to produce it in final form. It may take you several weeks or even months before you feel really comfortable with it, before you feel it is a complete and concise expression of your innermost values and directions. Even then, you will want to review it regularly and make minor changes as the years bring additional insights or changing circumstances. ...
But fundamentally, your mission statement becomes your constitution, the solid expression of your vision and values. It becomes the criterion by which you measure everything else in your life. ...
I recently finished reviewing my own mission statement, which I do fairly regularly. Sitting on the edge of a beach, alone, at the end of a bicycle ride, I took out my organizer and hammered it out. It took several hours, but I felt a sense of clarity, a sense of organization and commitment, a sense of exhilaration and freedom. ...
I find the process is as important as the product. Writing or reviewing a mission statement changes you because it forces you to think through your priorities deeply, carefully, and to align your behavior with your beliefs. As you do, other people begin to sense that you’re not being driven by everything that happens to you. You have a sense of mission about what you’re trying to do and you are excited about it. ...
Using Your Whole Brain ...
Our self-awareness empowers us to examine our own thoughts. This is particularly helpful in creating a personal mission statement because the two unique human endowments that enable us to practice Habit 2 – imagination and conscience – are primarily functions of the right side of the brain. Understanding how to tap into that right brain capacity greatly increases our first-creation ability. ...
A great deal of research has been conducted for decades on what has come to be called brain dominance theory. The findings basically indicated that each hemisphere of the brain – left and right – tends to specialize in and preside over different functions, process different kinds of information, and deal with different kinds of problems. ...
Essentially, the left hemisphere is the more logical/verbal one and the right hemisphere the more intuitive, creative one. The left deals with words, the right with pictures; the left with parts and specifics, the right with wholes and the relationship between the parts. The left deals with analysis, which means to break apart; the right with synthesis, which means to put together. The left deals with sequential thinking; the right with simultaneous and holistic thinking. The left is time bound; the right is time free. ...
Although people use both sides of the brain, one side or the other generally tends to be dominant in each individual. Of course, the ideal would be to cultivate and develop the ability to have good crossover between both sides of the brain so that a person could first sense what the situation called for and then use the appropriate tool to deal with it. But people tend to stay in the “comfort zone” of their dominant hemisphere and process every situation according to either a right- or left-brain preference. ...
In the words of Abraham Maslow, “He that is good with a hammer tends to think everything is a nail.” This is another factor that affects the “young lady/old lady” perception difference. Right-brain and left-brain people tend to look at things in different ways. ...
We live in a primarily left-brain-dominant world, where words and measurement and logic are enthroned, and the more creative, intuitive, sensing, artistic aspect of our nature is often subordinated. Many of us find it more difficult to tap into our right-brain capacity. ...
Admittedly this description is oversimplified and new studies will undoubtedly throw more light on brain functioning. But the point here is that we are capable of performing ...
many different kinds of thought processes and we barely tap our potential. As we become aware of its different capacities, we can consciously use our minds to meet specific needs in more effective ways. ...
Two Ways to Tap the Right Brain ...
If we use the brain dominance theory as a model, it becomes evident that the quality of our first creation is significantly impacted by our ability to use our creative right brain. The more we are able to draw upon our right-brain capacity, the more fully we will be able to visualize, to synthesize, to transcend time and present circumstances, to project a holistic picture of what we want to do and to be in life. ...
Expand Perspective ...
Sometimes we are knocked out of our left-brain environment and thought patterns and into the right brain by an unplanned experience. The death of a loved one, a severe illness, a financial setback, or extreme adversity can cause us to stand back, look at our lives, and ask ourselves some hard questions: ...
"What’s really important? Why am I doing what I’m doing? ...
But if you’re proactive, you don’t have to wait for circumstances or other people to create perspective-expanding experiences. You can consciously create your own. ...
There are a number of ways to do this. Through the powers of your imagination, you can visualize your own funeral, as we did at the beginning of this chapter. Write your own eulogy. Actually write it out. Be specific. ...
You can visualize your twenty-fifth and then your fiftieth wedding anniversary. Have your spouse visualize this with you. Try to capture the essence of the family relationship you want to have created through your day-by-day investment over a period of that many years. ...
You can visualize your retirement from your present occupation. What contributions, what achievements will you want to have made in your field? What plans will you have after retirement? Will you enter a second career? ...
Expand your mind. Visualize in rich detail. Involve as many emotions and feelings as possible. Involve as many of the senses as you can. ...
I have done similar visualization exercises with some of my university classes. “Assume you only have this one semester to live,” I tell my students, "and that during this semester you are to stay in school as a good student. Visualize how you would spend your semester. ...
Things are suddenly placed in a different perspective. Values quickly surface that before weren’t even recognized. I have also asked students to live with that expanded perspective for a week and keep a diary of their experiences. ...
The results are very revealing. They start writing to parents to tell them how much they love and appreciate them. They reconcile with a brother, a sister, a friend where the relationship has deteriorated. ...
The dominant, central theme of their activities, the underlying principle, is love. The futility of bad-mouthing, bad thinking, put-downs, and accusation becomes very evident when they think in terms of having only a short time to live. Principles and values become more evident to everybody. ...
There are a number of techniques using your imagination that can put you in touch with your values. But the net effect of every one I have ever used is the same. When people seriously undertake to identify what really matters most to them in their lives, what they really want to be and to do, they become very reverent. They start to think in larger terms than today and tomorrow. ...
Visualization and Affirmation ...
Personal leadership is not a singular experience. It doesn’t begin and end with the writing of a personal mission statement. It is, rather, the ongoing process of keeping your vision and values before you and aligning your life to be congruent with those most important things. And in that effort, your powerful right-brain capacity can be a great help to you on a daily basis as you work to integrate your personal mission statement into your life. It’s another application of “Begin with the End in Mind.” ...
Let’s go back to an example we mentioned before. Suppose I am a parent who really deeply loves my children. Suppose I identify that as one of my fundamental values in my personal mission statement. But suppose, on a daily basis, I have trouble overreacting. ...
I can use my right-brain power of visualization to write an “affirmation” that will help me become more congruent with my deeper values in my daily life. ...
A good affirmation has five basic ingredients: it’s personal, it’s positive, it’s present tense, it’s visual, and it’s emotional. So I might write something like this: “It is deeply satisfying (emotional) that I (personal) respond (present tense) with wisdom, love, firmness, and self-control (positive) when my children misbehave.” ...
Then I can visualize it. I can spend a few minutes each day and totally relax my mind and body can think about situations in which my children might misbehave. I can visualize them in rich detail. I can feel the texture of the chair I might be sitting on, the floor under my feet, the sweater I’m wearing. I can see the dress my daughter has on, the expression on her face. The more clearly and vividly I can imagine the detail, the more deeply I will experience iti t, the less I will see it as a spectator. ...
Then I can see her do something very specific which normally makes my heart pound and my temper start to flare. But instead of seeing my normal response, I can see myself handle the situation with all the love, the power, the self-control I have captured in my affirmation. I can write the program, write the script, in harmony with my values, with my personal mission statement. ...
And if I do this, day after day my behavior will change. Instead of living out of the scripts given to me by my own parents or by society or by genetics or my environment, I will be living out of the script I have written from my own self-selected value system. ...
I have helped and encouraged my son, Sean, to use this affirmation process extensively throughout his football career. We started when he played quarterback in high school, and eventually, I taught him how to do it on his own. ...
We would try to get him in a very relaxed state of mind through deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation technique so that he became very quiet inside. Then I would help him visualize himself right in the heat of the toughest situations imaginable. ...
He would imagine a big blitz coming at him fast. He had to read the blitz and respond. He would imagine giving audibles at the line after reading defenses. He would imagine quick reads with his first receiver, his second receiver, his third receiver. He would imagine options that he normally wouldn’t do. ...
At one point in his football career, he told me he was constantly getting uptight. As we talked, I realized that he was visualizing uptightness. So we worked on visualizing relaxation in the middle of the big pressure circumstance. We discovered that the nature of the visualization is very important. If you visualize the wrong thing, you’ll produce the wrong thing. ...
Dr. Charles Garfield has done extensive research on peak performers, both in athletics and in business. He became fascinated with peak performance in his work with the NASA program, watching the astronauts rehearse everything on earth again and again in a simulated environment before they went to space. Although he had a doctorate in mathematics, he decided to go back and get another Ph.D. in the field of psychology and study the characteristics of peak performers. ...
One of the main things his research showed was that almost all of the world-class athletes and other peak performers are visualizers. They see it; they feel it; they experience it before they actually do it. They Begin with the End in Mind. ...
You can do it in every area of your life. Before a performance, a sales presentation, a difficult confrontation, or the daily challenge of meeting a goal, see it clearly, vividly, relentlessly, over and over again. Create an internal “comfort zone.” Then, when you get into the situation, it isn’t foreign. It doesn’t scare you. ...
Your creative, visual right brain is one of your most important assets, both in creating your personal mission statement and in integrating it into your life. ...
There is an entire body of literature and audio and video tapes that deals with this process of visualization and affirmation. Some of the more recent developments in this field include such things as subliminal programming, neurolinguistic programming, and new forms of relaxation and self-talk processes. These all involve explanation, elaboration, and different packaging of the fundamental principles of the first creation. ...
My review of the success literature brought me in contact with hundreds of books on this subject. Although some made extravagant claims and relied on anecdotal rather than scientific evidence, I think that most of the material is fundamentally sound. The majority of it appears to have originally come out of the study of the Bible by many individuals. ...
In effective personal leadership, visualization and affirmation techniques emerge naturally out of a foundation of well thought through purposes and principles that become the center of a person’s life. They are extremely powerful in rescripting and reprogramming, into writing deeply committed-to purposes and principles into one’s heart and mind. I believe that central to all enduring religions in society are the same principles and practices clothed in different language – meditation, prayer, covenants, ordinances, scripture study, empathy, compassion, and many different forms of the use of both conscience and imagination. ...
But if these techniques become part of the personality ethic and are severed from a base of character and principles, they can be misused and abused in serving other centers, primarily the self center. ...
Affirmation and visualization are forms of programming, and we must be certain that we do not submit ourselves to any programming that is not in harmony with our basic center or that comes from sources centered on money-making, self interest, or anything other than correct principles. ...
The imagination can be used to achieve the fleeting success that comes when a person is focused on material gain or on “what’s in it for me.” But I believe the higher use of imagination is in harmony with the use of conscience to transcend self and create a life of contribution based on unique purpose and on the principles that govern interdependent reality. ...
Identifying Roles and Goals ...
Of course, the logical/verbal left brain becomes important also as you attempt to capture your right-brain images, feelings, and pictures in the words of a written mission statement. Just as breathing exercises help integrate body and mind, writing is a kind of psychoneural muscular activity which helps bridge and integrate the conscious and subconscious minds. Writing distills, crystallizes, and clarifies thought and helps break the whole into parts. ...
We each have a number of different roles in our lives – different areas or capacities in which we have responsibility. I may, for example, have a role as an individual, a husband, a father, a teacher, a church member, and a businessman. And each of these roles is important. ...
One of the major problems that arises when people work to become more effective in life is that they don’t think broadly enough. They lose the sense of proportion, the balance, the natural ecology necessary to effective living. They may get consumed by work and neglect personal health. In the name of professional success, they may neglect the most precious relationships in their lives. ...
You may find that your mission statement will be much more balanced, much easier to work with, if you break it down into the specific role areas of your life and the goals you want to accomplish in each area. Look at your professional role. You might be a salesperson, or a manager, or a product developer. What are you about in that area? What are the values that should guide you? Think of your personal roles – husband, wife, father, mother, neighbor, friend. What are you about in those roles? What’s important to you? Think of community roles – the political area, public service, volunteer organizations. ...
One executive has used the idea of roles and goals to create the following mission statement: ...
My mission is to live with integrity and to make a difference in the lives of others. ...
To fulfill this mission: ...
I have charity: I seek out and love the one – each one – regardless of his situation. ...
I sacrifice: I devote my time, talents, and resources to my mission. ...
I inspire: I teach by example that we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father and that every Goliath can be overcome. ...
I am impactful: What I do makes a difference in the lives of others. ...
These roles take priority in achieving my mission: ...
Husband – my partner is the most important person in my life. Together we contribute the fruits of harmony, industry, charity, and thrift. ...
Father – I help my children experience progressively greater joy in their lives. ...
Son/ Brother – I am frequently “there” for support and love. ...
Christian – God can count on me to keep my covenants and to serve his other children. ...
Neighbor – The love of Christ is visible through my actions toward others. ...
Change Agent – I am a catalyst for developing high performance in large organizations. ...
Scholar – I learn important new things every day. ...
Writing your mission in terms of the important roles in your life gives you balance and harmony. It keeps each role clearly before you. You can review your roles frequently to make sure that you don’t get totally absorbed by one role to the exclusion of others that are equally or even more important in your life. ...
After you identify your various roles, then you can think about the Long Term Goals are plans you make that support the principles described in your Mission Statement. These goals should represent areas you want to focus on in the near future. Typically, Long Term Goals take longer than a week to complete, but are most specific than the lifetime goals of your Mission Statement.long-term goals you want to accomplish in each of those roles. We’re into the right brain again, using imagination, creativity, conscience, and inspiration. If these goals are the extension of a mission statement based on correct principles, they will be vitally different from the goals people normally set. They will be in harmony with correct principles, with natural laws, which gives you greater power to achieve them. They are not someone else’s goals you have absorbed. They are your goals. They reflect your deepest values, your unique talent, your sense of mission. And they grow out of your chosen roles in life. ...
An effective goal focuses primarily on results rather than activity. It identifies where you want to be, and, in the process, helps you determine where you are. It gives you important information on how to get there, and it tells you when you have arrived. It unifies your efforts and energy. It gives meaning and purpose to all you do. And it can finally translate itself into daily activities so that you are proactive, you are in charge of your life, you are making happen each day the things that will enable you to fulfill your personal mission statement. ...
Roles and goals give structure and organized direction to your personal mission. If you don’t yet have a personal mission statement, it’s a good place to begin. Just identifying the various areas of your life and the two or three important results you feel you should accomplish in each area to move ahead gives you an overall perspective of your life and a sense of direction. ...
As we move into Habit 3, we’ll go into greater depth in the area of short-term goals. The important application at this point is to identify roles and long-term goals as they relate to your personal mission statement. These roles and long-term goals will provide the foundation for effective goal setting and achieving when we get to the Habit 3 day-to-day management of life and time. ...
Family Mission Statements ...
Because Habit 2 is based on principle, it has broad application. In addition to individuals, families, service groups, and organizations of all kinds become significantly more effective as they Begin with the End in Mind. ...
Many families are managed on the basis of crises, moods, quick fixes, and instant gratification – not on sound principles. Symptoms surface whenever stress and pressure mount: people become cynical, critical, or silent or they start yelling and overreacting. Children who observe these kinds of behavior grow up thinking the only way to solve problems is flight or fight. ...
The core of any family is what is changeless, what is always going to be there – shared vision and values. By writing a family mission statement, you give expression to its true foundation. ...
This mission statement becomes its constitution, the standard, the criterion for evaluation and decision making. It gives continuity and unity to the family as well as direction. When individual values are harmonized with those of the family, members work together for common purposes that are deeply felt. ...
Again, the process is as important as the product. The very process of writing and refining a mission statement becomes a key way to improve the family. Working together to create a mission statement builds the PC capacity to live it. ...
By getting input from every family member, drafting a statement, getting feedback, revising it, and using wording from different family members, you get the family talking, communicating, on things that really matter deeply. The best mission statements are the result of family members coming together in a spirit of mutual respect, expressing their different views, and working together to create something greater than any one individual could do alone. Periodic review to expand perspective, shift emphasis or direction, amend or give new meaning to time-worn phrases can keep the family united in common values and purposes. ...
The mission statement becomes the framework for thinking, for governing the family. When the problems and crises come, the constitution is there to remind family members of the things that matter most and to provide direction for problem solving and decision making based on correct principles. ...
In our home, we put our mission statement up on a wall in the family room so that we can look at it and monitor ourselves daily. When we read the phrases about the sounds of love in our home, order, responsible independence, cooperation, helpfulness, meeting needs, developing talents, showing interest in each other’s talents, and giving service to others it gives us some criteria to know how we’re doing in the things that matter most to us as a family. ...
When we plan our family goals and activities, we say, “In light of these principles, what are the goals we’re going to work on? What are our action plans to accomplish our goals and actualize these values?” ...
We review the statement frequently and rework goals and jobs twice a year, in September and June – the beginning of school and the end of school – to reflect the situation as it is, to improve it, to strengthen it. It renews us, it recommits us to what we believe in, what we stand for. ...
Organizational Mission Statements ...
Mission statements are also vital to successful organizations. One of the most important thrusts of my work with organizations is to assist them in developing effective mission statements. And to be effective, that statement has to come from within the bowels of the organization. Everyone should participate in a meaningful way – not just the top strategy planners, but everyone. Once again, the involvement process is as important as the written product and is the key to its use. ...
I am always intrigued whenever I go to IBM and watch the training process there. Time and time again, I see the leadership of the organization come into a group and say that IBM stands for three things: the dignity of the individual, excellence, and service. ...
These things represent the belief system of IBM. Everything else will change, but these three things will not change. Almost like osmosis, this belief system has spread throughout the entire organization, providing a tremendous base of shared values and personal security for everyone who works there. ...
Once I was training a group of people for IBM in New York. It was small group, about 20 people, and one of them became ill. He called his wife in California, who expressed concern because his illness required a special treatment. The IBM people responsible for the training session arranged to have him taken to an excellent hospital with medical specialists in the disease. But they could sense that his wife was uncertain and really wanted him home where their personal physician could handle the problem. ...
So they decided to get him home. Concerned about the time involved in driving him to the airport and waiting for a commercial plane, they brought in a helicopter, flew him to the airport, and hired a special plane just to take this man to California. ...
I don’t know what costs that involved; my guess would be many thousands of dollars. But IBM believes in the dignity of the individual. That’s what the company stands for. To those present, that experience represented its belief system and was no surprise. I was impressed. ...
At another time, I was scheduled to train 175 shopping center managers at a particular hotel. I was amazed at the level of service there. It wasn’t a cosmetic thing. It was evident at all levels, spontaneously, without supervision. ...
I arrived quite late, checked in, and asked if room service were available. The man at the desk said, “No, Mr. Covey, but if you’re interested, I could go back and get a sandwich or a salad or whatever you’d like that we have in the kitchen.” His attitude was one of total concern about my comfort and welfare. “Would you like to see your convention room?” he continued. “Do you have everything you need? What can I do for you? I’m here to serve you.” ...
There was no supervisor there checking up. This man was sincere. ...
The next day I was in the middle of a presentation when I discovered that I didn’t have all the colored markers I needed. So I went out into the hall during the brief break and found a bellboy running to another convention. “I’ve got a problem,” I said. "I’m here training a group of managers and I only have a short break. I need some more colored pens. ...
He whipped around and almost came to attention. He glanced at my name tag and said, “Mr. Covey, I will solve your problem.” ...
He didn’t say, “I don’t know where to go” or “well, go and check the front desk.” He just took care of it. And he made me feel like it was his privilege to do so. ...
Later, I was in the side lobby, looking at some of the art objects. Someone from the hotel came up to me and said, “Mr. Covey, would you like to see a book that describes the art objects in this hotel?” How anticipatory! How service-oriented! ...
I next observed one of the employees high up on a ladder cleaning windows in the lobby. From his vantage point he saw a woman having a little difficulty in the garden with a walker. She hadn’t really fallen, and she was with other people. But he climbed down that ladder, went outside, helped the woman into the lobby and saw that she was properly taken care of. Then he went back and finished cleaning the windows. ...
I wanted to find out how this organization had created a culture where people bought so deeply into the value of customer service. I interviewed housekeepers, waitresses, bellboys in that hotel and found that this attitude had impregnated the minds, hearts, and attitudes of every employee there. ...
I went through the back door into the kitchen, where I saw the central value: “Uncompromising personalized service.” I finally went to the manager and said, “My business is helping organizations develop a powerful team character, a team culture. I am amazed at what you have here.” ...
“Do you want to know the real key?” he inquired. He pulled out the mission statement for the hotel chain. ...
After reading it, I acknowledged, “That’s an impressive statement. But I know many companies that have impressive mission statements.” ...
“Do you want to see the one for this hotel?” he asked. ...
“Do you mean you developed one just for this hotel?” ...
“Yes.” ...
“Different from the one for the hotel chain?” ...
“Yes. It’s in harmony with that statement, but this one pertains to our situation, our environment, our time.” He handed me another paper. ...
“Who developed this mission statement?” I asked. ...
“Yes. Do you want to see the mission statement written by the people who greeted you last night?” ...
He pulled out a mission statement that they, themselves, had written that was interwoven with all the other mission statements. Everyone, at every level, was involved. ...
The mission statement for that hotel was the hub of a great wheel. It spawned the thoughtful, more specialized mission statements of particular groups of employees. It was used as the criterion for every decision that was made. It clarified what those people stood for – how they related to the customer, how they related to each other. It affected the style of the managers and the leaders. It affected the compensation system. It affected the kind of people they recruited and how they trained and developed them. Every aspect of that organization, essentially, was a function of that hub, that mission statement. ...
I later visited another hotel in the same chain, and the first thing I did when I checked in was to ask to see their mission statement, which they promptly gave me. At this hotel, I came to understand the motto “Uncompromising personalized service” a little more. ...
For a three-day period, I watched every conceivable situation where service was called for. I always found that service was delivered in a very impressive, excellent way. But it was always also very personalized. For instance, in the swimming area I asked the attendant where the drinking fountain was. He walked me to it. ...
But the thing that impressed me the very most was to see an employee, on his own, admit a mistake to his boss. We ordered room service, and were told when it would be delivered to the room. On the way to our room, the room service person spilled the hot chocolate, and it took a few extra minutes to go back and change the linen on the tray and replace the drink. So the room service was about fifteen minutes late, which was really not that important to us. ...
Nevertheless, the next morning the room service manager phoned us to apologize and invited us to have either the buffet breakfast or a room service breakfast, compliments of the hotel, to in some way compensate for the inconvenience. ...
What does it say about the culture of an organization when an employee admits his own mistake, unknown to anyone else, to the manager so that customer or guest is better taken care of! ...
As I told the manager of the first hotel I visited, I know a lot of companies with impressive mission statements. But there is a real difference, all the difference in the world, in the effectiveness of a mission statement created by everyone involved in the organization and one written by a few top executives behind a mahogany wall. ...
One of the fundamental problems in organizations, including families, is that people are not committed to the determinations of other people for their lives. They simply don’t buy into them. ...
Many times as I work with organizations, I find people whose goals are totally different from the goals of the enterprise. I commonly find reward systems completely out of alignment with stated value systems. ...
When I begin work with companies that have already developed some kind of mission statement, I ask them, “How many of the people here know that you have a mission statement? How many of you know what it contains? How many were involved in creating it? How many really buy into it and use it as your frame of reference in making decisions?” ...
Without involvement, there is no commitment. Mark it down, asterisk it, circle it, underline it. No involvement, no commitment. ...
Now, in the early stages – when a person is new to an organization or when a child in the family is young – you can pretty well give them a goal and they’ll buy it, particularly if the relationship, orientation, and training are good. ...
But when people become more mature and their own lives take on a separate meaning, they want involvement, significant involvement. And if they don’t have that involvement, they don’t buy it. Then you have a significant motivational problem which cannot be solved at the same level of thinking that created it. ...
That’s why creating an organizational mission statement takes time, patience, involvement, skill, and empathy. Again, it’s not a quick fix. It takes time and sincerity, correct principles, and the courage and integrity to align systems, structure, and management style to the shared vision and values. But it’s based on correct principles and it works. ...
An organizational mission statement – one that truly reflects the deep shared vision and values of everyone within that organization – creates a great unity and tremendous commitment. It creates in people’s hearts and minds a frame of reference, a set of criteria or guidelines, by which they will govern themselves. They don’t need someone else directing, controlling, criticizing, or taking cheap shots. They have bought into the changeless core of what the organization is about. ...
Application Suggestions ...
Take the time to record the impressions you had in the funeral visualization at the beginning of this chapter. You may want to use the chart below to organize your thoughts. ...
Take a few moments and write down your roles as you now see them. Are you satisfied with that mirror image of your life. ...
Set up time to completely separate yourself from daily activities and to begin work on your personal mission statement. ...
Go through the chart in Appendix A showing different centers and circle all those you can identify with. Do they form a pattern for the behavior in your life? Are you comfortable with the implications of your analysis. ...
Start a collection of notes, quotes, and ideas you may want to use as resource material in writing your .personal mission statement. ...
Identify a project you will be facing in the near future and apply the principles of mental creation. Write down the results you desire and what steps will lead to those results. ...
Share the principles of Habit 2 with your family or work group and suggest that together you begin the process of developing a family or group mission statement. ...
Habit 3:
Put First Things First TM -- Principles of Personal Management 习惯 3：优先处理重要事务 TM -- 个人管理原则
Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least ...
–Goeth ...
**
Will you take just a moment and write down a short answer to the following two questions? Your answers will be important to you as you begin work on Habit 3. ...
Question 1: What one thing could you do (you aren’t doing now) that if you did on a regular basis, would make a tremendous positive difference in your personal life? ...
Question 2: What one thing in your business or professional life would bring similar results? ...
We’ll come back to these answers later. But first, let’s put Habit 3 in perspective ...
Habit 3 is the personal fruit, the practical fulfillment of Habits 1 and 2. ...
Habit 1 says, “You’re the creator. You are in charge.” It’s based on the four unique human endowments of imagination, conscience, independent will, and particularly, selfawareness. It empowers you to say, “That’s an unhealthy program I’ve been given from my childhood, from my social mirror. I don’t like that ineffective script. I can change.” ...
Habit 2 is the first or mental creation. It’s based on imagination – the ability to envision, to see the potential, to create with our minds what we cannot at present see without eyes; and conscience – the ability to detect our own uniqueness and the personal, moral, and ethical guidelines within which we can most happily fulfill it. It’s the deep contact with our basic paradigms and values and the vision of what we can become. ...
Habit 3, then, is the second creation – the physical creation. It’s the fulfillment, the actualization, the natural emergence of Habits 1 and 2. It’s the exercise of independent will toward becoming principle-centered. It’s the day-in, day-out, moment-by-moment doing it. ...
Habits 1 and 2 are absolutely essential and prerequisite to Habit 3. You can’t become principle-centered without first being aware of and developing your own proactive nature. You can’t become principle-centered without first being aware of your paradigms and understanding how to shift them and align them with principles. You can’t become principle-centered without a vision of and a focus on the unique contribution that is yours to make. ...
But with that foundation, you can become principle-centered, day-in and day-out, moment-by-moment, by living Habit 3 – by practicing effective self-management. ...
Management, remember, is clearly different from leadership. Leadership is primarily a high-powered, right-brain activity. It’s more of an art; it’s based on a philosophy. You have to ask the ultimate questions of life when you’re dealing with personal leadership issues. ...
But once you have dealt with those issues, once you have resolved them, you then have to manage yourself effectively to create a life congruent with your answers. The ability to manage well doesn’t make much difference if you’re not even in the “right jungle.” But if you are in the right jungle, it makes all the difference. In fact, the ability to manage well determines the quality and even the existence of the second creation. Management is the breaking down, the analysis, the sequencing, the specific application, the time-bound leftbrain aspect of effective self-government. My own maxim of personal effectiveness is this: Manage from the left; lead from the right. ...
The Power of Independent Will ...
In addition to self-awareness, imagination, and conscience, it is the fourth human endowment – independent will – that really makes effective self-management possible. It is the ability to make decisions and choices and to act in accordance with them. It is the ability to act rather than to be acted upon, to proactively carry out the program we have developed through the other three endowments. ...
The human will is an amazing thing. Time after time, it has triumphed against unbelievable odds. The Helen Kellers of this world give dramatic evidence to the value, the power of the independent will. ...
But as we examine this endowment in the context of effective self-management, we realize it’s usually not the dramatic, the visible, the once-in-a-lifetime, up-by-thebootstraps effort that brings enduring success. Empowerment comes from the learning how to use this great endowment in the decisions we make every day. ...
The degree to which we have developed our independent will in our everyday lives is measured by our personal integrity. Integrity is, fundamentally, the value we place on ourselves. It’s our ability to make and keep commitments to ourselves, to “walk our talk.” It’s honor with self, a fundamental part of the character ethic, the essence of proactive growth. ...
Effective management is putting first things first. While leadership decides what “first things” are, it is management that puts them first, day-by-day, moment-by-moment. Management is discipline, carrying it out. ...
Discipline derives from disciple – disciple to a philosophy, disciple to a set of principles, disciple to a set of values, disciple to an overriding purpose, to a superordinate goal or a person who represents that goal. ...
In other words, if you are an effective manager of your self, your discipline comes from within; it is a function of your independent will. You are a disciple, a follower, of your own deep values and their source. And you have the will, the integrity, to subordinate your feelings, your impulses, your moods to those values. ...
One of my favorite essays is “The Common Denominator of Success,” written by E. M. Gray. He spent his life searching for the one denominator that all successful people share. He found it wasn’t hard work, good luck, or astute human relations, though those were ...
all important. The one factor that seemed to transcend all the rest embodies the essence of Habit 3: Putting First Things First. ...
“The successful person has the habit of doing the things failures don’t like to do,” he observed. ...
“They don’t like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose.” ...
That subordination requires a purpose, a mission, a Habit 2 clear sense of direction and value, a burning “Yes!” inside that makes it possible to say “no” to other things. It also requires independent will, the power to do something when you don’t want to do it, to be a function of your values rather than a function of the impulse or desire of any given moment. It’s the power to act with integrity to your proactive first creation. ...
Four Generations of Time Management ...
In Habit 3 we are dealing with many of the questions addressed in the field of life and time management. As a longtime student of this fascinating field, I am personally persuaded that the essence of the best thinking in the area of time management can be captured in a single phrase: Organize and execute around priorities. That phrase represents the evolution of three generations of time-management theory, and how to best do it is the focus of a wide variety of approaches and materials. ...
Personal management has evolved in a pattern similar to many other areas of human endeavor. Major developmental thrusts, or “waves” as Alvin Toffler calls them, follow each other in succession, each adding a vital new dimension. For example, in social development, the agricultural revolution was followed by the industrial revolution, which was followed by the informational revolution. Each succeeding wave created a surge of social and personal progress. ...
Likewise, in the area of time management, each generation builds on the one before it -each one moves us toward greater control of our lives. The first wave or generation could be characterized by notes and checklists, an effort to give some semblance of recognition and inclusiveness to the many demands placed on our time and energy. ...
The second generation could be characterized by calendars and appointment books. This wave reflects an attempt to look ahead, to schedule events and activities in the future. ...
The third generation reflects the current time-management field. It adds to those preceding generations the important idea of prioritization, of clarifying values, and of comparing the relative worth of activities based on their relationship to those values. In addition, it focuses on setting goals – specific long-, intermediate-, and short-term targets toward which time and energy would be directed in harmony with values. It also includes the concept of daily planning, of making a specific plan to accomplish those goals and activities determined to be of greatest worth. ...
While the third generation has made a significant contribution, people have begun to realize that “efficient” scheduling and control of time are often counterproductive. The efficiency focus creates expectations that clash with the opportunities to develop rich relationships, to meet human needs, and to enjoy spontaneous moments on a daily basis. ...
As a result, many people have become turned off by time management programs and planners that make them feel too scheduled, too restricted, and they “throw the baby out ...
with the bath water,” reverting to first- or second-generation techniques to preserve relationships, to meet human needs, and to enjoy spontaneous moments on a daily basis. ...
But there is an emerging fourth generation that is different in kind. It recognizes that “time management” is really a misnomer – the challenge is not to manage time, but to manage ourselves. Satisfaction is a function of expectation as well as realization. And expectation (and satisfaction) lie in our Circle of Influence. ...
Rather than focusing on things and time, fourth-generation expectations focus on preserving and enhancing relationships and accomplishing results – in short, on maintaining the P//PC\mathrm{P} / \mathrm{PC} Balance. ...
Quadrant II ...
The essential focus of the fourth generation of management can be captured in the Time Management Matrix diagrammed on the next page. Basically, we spend time in one of four ways. ...
As you see, the two factors that define an activity are urgent and important. Urgent means it requires immediate attention. It’s “Now!” Urgent things act on us. A ringing phone is urgent. Most people can’t stand the thought of just allowing the phone to ring. You could spend hours preparing materials, you could get all dressed up and travel to a person’s office to discuss a particular issue, but if the phone were to ring while you were there, it would generally take precedence over your personal visit. ...
If you were to phone someone, there aren’t many people who would say, “I’ll get to you in 15 minutes; just hold.” But those same people would probably let you wait in an office for at least that long while they completed a telephone conversation with someone else. ...
Urgent matters are usually visible. They press on us; they insist on action. They’re often popular with others. They’re usually right in front of us. And often they are pleasant, easy, fun to do. But so often they are unimportant! ...
Importance, on the other hand, has to do with results. If something is important, it contributes to your mission, your values, your high priority goals. ...
We react to urgent matters. Important matters that are not urgent require more initiative, more proactivity. We must act to seize opportunity, to make things happen. If we don’t practice Habit 2, if we don’t have a clear idea of what is important, of the results we desire in our lives, we are easily diverted into responding to the urgent. ...
Look for a moment at the four quadrants in the Time Management Matrix. Quadrant I is both urgent and important. It deals with significant results that require immediate attention. We usually call the activities in Quadrant I “crises” or “problems.” We all have some Quadrant I activities in our lives. But Quadrant I consumes many people. They are crisis managers, problem-minded people, the deadline-driven producers. ...
As long as you focus on Quadrant I, it keeps getting bigger and bigger until it dominates you. It’s like the pounding surf. A huge problem comes and knocks you down and you’re wiped out. You struggle back up only to face another one that knocks you down and slams you to the ground. ...
Some people are literally beaten up by the problems all day every day. The only relief they have is in escaping to the not important, not urgent activities of Quadrant IV. So when you look at their total matrix, 90 percent of their time is in Quadrant I and most of the remaining 10 percent is in Quadrant IV with only negligible attention paid to Quadrants II and III. That’s how people who manage their lives by crisis live. ...
There are other people who spend a great deal of time in “urgent, but not important” Quadrant III, thinking they’re in Quadrant I. They spend most of their time reacting to things that are urgent, assuming they are also important. But the reality is that the urgency of these matters is often based on the priorities and expectations of others. ...
People who spend time almost exclusively in Quadrants III and IV basically lead irresponsible lives. Effective people stay out of Quadrants III and IV because, urgent or not, they aren’t important. They also shrink Quadrant I down to size by spending more time in Quadrant II. Quadrant II is the heart of effective personal management. It deals with things that are not urgent, but are important. It deals with things like building relationships, writing a personal mission statement, long-range planning, exercising, preventive maintenance, preparation – all those things we know we need to do, but somehow seldom get around to doing, because they aren’t urgent. ...
To paraphrase Peter Drucker, effective people are not problem-minded; they’re opportunity-minded. They feed opportunities and starve problems. They think preventively. They have genuine Quadrant I crises and emergencies that require their immediate attention, but the number is comparatively small. They keep P and PC in balance by focusing on the important, but not the urgent, high-leverage capacity-building activities of Quadrant II. ...
With the Time Management Matrix in mind, take a moment now and consider how you answered the questions at the beginning of this chapter. What quadrant do they fit in? Are they important? Are they urgent? ...
My guess is that they probably fit into Quadrant II. They are obviously important, deeply important, but not urgent. And because they aren’t urgent, you don’t do them. ...
Now look again at the nature of those questions: What one thing could you do in your personal and professional life that, if you did on a regular basis, would make a tremendous positive difference in your life? Quadrant II activities have that kind of impact. Our effectiveness takes the quantum leaps when we do them. ...
I asked a similar question to a group of shopping center managers. “If you were to do one thing in your professional work that you know would have enormously positive effects on the results, what would it be?” Their unanimous response was to build helpful personal relationships with the tenants, the owners of the stores inside the shopping center, which is a Quadrant II activity. ...
We did an analysis of the time they were spending on that activity. It was less than 5 percent. They had good reasons – problems, one right after another. They had reports to make out, meetings to go to, correspondence to answer, phone calls to make, constant interruptions. Quadrant I had consumed them. ...
They were spending very little time with the store managers, and the time they did spend was filled with negative energy. The only reason they visited the store managers at all ...
was to enforce the contract – to collect the money or discuss advertising or other practices that were out of harmony with center guidelines, or some similar thing. ...
The store owners were struggling for survival, let alone prosperity. They had employment problems, cost problems, inventory problems, and a host of other problems. Most of them had no training in management at all. Some were fairly good merchandisers, but they needed help. The tenants didn’t even want to see the shopping center owners; they were just one more problem to contend with. ...
So the owners decided to be proactive. They determined their purpose, their values, their priorities. In harmony with those priorities, they decided to spend about one-third of their time in helping relationships with the tenants. ...
In working with that organization for about a year and a half, I saw them climb to around 20 percent, which represented more than a fourfold increase. In addition, they changed their role. They became listeners, trainers, consultants to the tenants. Their interchanges were filled with positive energy. ...
The effect was dramatic, profound. By focusing on relationships and results rather than time and methods, the numbers went up, the tenants were thrilled with the results created by new ideas and skills, and the shopping center managers were more effective and satisfied and increased their list of potential tenants and lease revenue based on increased sales by the tenant stores. They were no longer policemen or hovering supervisors. They were problem solvers, helpers. ...
Whether you are a student at the university, a worker in an assembly line, a homemaker, fashion designer, or president of a company, I believe that if you were to ask what lies in Quadrant II and cultivate the proactivity to go after it, you would find the same results. Your effectiveness would increase dramatically. Your crises and problems would shrink to manageable proportions because you would be thinking ahead, working on the roots, doing the preventive things that keep situations from developing into crises in the first place. In the time management jargon, this is called the Pareto Principle – 80 percent of the results flow out of 20 percent of the activities. ...
What it Takes to Say "No" ...
The only place to get time for Quadrant II in the beginning is from Quadrants III and IV. You can’t ignore the urgent and important activities of Quadrant I, although it will shrink in size as you spend more time with prevention and preparation in Quadrant II. But the initial time for Quadrant II has come out of III and IV. ...
You have to be proactive to work on Quadrant II because Quadrant I and III work on you. To say “yes” to important Quadrant II priorities, you have to learn to say “no” to other activities, sometimes apparently urgent things. ...
Some time ago, my wife was invited to serve as chairman of a committee in a community endeavor. She had a number of truly important things she was trying to work on, and she really didn’t want to do it. But she felt pressured into it and finally agreed. ...
Then she called one of her dear friends to ask if she would serve on her committee. Her friend listened for a long time and then said, “Sandra, that sounds like a wonderful project, a really worthy undertaking. I appreciate so much your inviting me to be a part ...
of it. I feel honored by it. For a number of reasons, I won’t be participating myself, but I want you to know how much I appreciate your invitation.” ...
Sandra was ready for anything but a pleasant “no.” She turned to me and sighed, “I wish I’d said that.” ...
I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t be involved in significant service projects. Those things are important. But you have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage --pleasantly, smiling, no apologetically – to say “no” to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger “yes” burning inside. The enemy of the “best” is often the “good.” ...
Keep in mind that you are always saying “no” to something. If it isn’t to the apparent, urgent things in your life, it is probably to the more fundamental, highly important things. Even when the urgent is good, the good can keep you from your best, keep you from your unique contributions, if you let it. ...
When I was Director of University Relations at a large university, I hired a very talented, proactive, creative writer. One day, after he had been on the job for a few months, I went into his office and asked him to work on some urgent matters that were pressing on me. ...
He said, “Stephen, I’ll do whatever you want me to do. Just let me share with you my situation.” ...
Then he took me over to his wall board, where he had listed over two dozen projects he was working on, together with performance criteria and deadline dates that had been clearly negotiated before. He was highly disciplined, which is why I went to see him in the first place. “If you want to get something done, give it to a busy man.” ...
Then he said, “Stephen, to do the jobs that you want done right would take several days. Which of these projects would you like me to delay or cancel to satisfy your request?” ...
Well, I didn’t want to take the responsibility for that. I didn’t want to put a cog\operatorname{cog} in the wheel of one of the most productive people on the staff just because I happened to be managing by crisis at the time. The jobs I wanted done were urgent, but not important. So I went and found another crisis manager and gave the job to him. ...
We say “yes” or “no” to things daily, usually many times a day. A center of correct principles and a focus on our personal mission empowers us with wisdom to make those judgments effectively. ...
As I work with different groups, I tell them that the essence of effective time and life management is to organize and execute around balanced priorities. Then I ask this question: if you were to fault yourself in one of three areas, which would it be: ...
(1) the inability to prioritize; ...
(2) the inability or desire to organize around those priorities; or ...
(3) the lack of discipline to execute around them, to stay with your priorities and organization? ...
Most people say their main fault is a lack of discipline. On deeper thought, I believe that is not the case. The basic problem is that their priorities have not become deeply planted in their hearts and minds. They haven’t really internalized Habit 2. ...
There are many people who recognize the value of Quadrant II activities in their lives, whether they identify them as such or not. And they attempt to give priority to those activities and integrate them into their lives through self-discipline alone. But without a principle center and a personal mission statement, they don’t have the necessary foundation to sustain their efforts. They’re working on the leaves, on the attitudes and the behaviors of discipline, without even thinking to examine the roots, the basic paradigms from which their natural attitudes and behaviors flow. ...
A Quadrant II focus is a paradigm that grows out of a principle center. If you are centered on your spouse, your money, your friends, your pleasure, or any extrinsic factor, you will keep getting thrown back into Quadrants I and III, reacting to the outside forces your life is centered on. Even if you’re centered on yourself, you’ll end up in I and II reacting to the impulse of the moment. Your independent will alone cannot effectively discipline you against your center. ...
In the words of the architectural maxim, form follows function. Likewise, management follows leadership. The way you spend your time is a result of the way you see your time and the way you really see your priorities. If your priorities grow out of a principle center and a personal mission, if they are deeply planted in your heart and in your mind, you will see Quadrant II as a natural, exciting place to invest your time. ...
It’s almost impossible to say, “no” to the popularity of Quadrant III or to the pleasure of escape to Quadrant IV if you don’t have a bigger “yes” burning inside. Only when you have the self-awareness to examine your program – and the imagination and conscience to create a new, unique, principle-centered program to which you can say “yes” – only then will you have sufficient independent will power to say “no,” with a genuine smile, to the unimportant. ...
Moving Into Quadrant II ...
If Quadrant II activities are clearly the heart of effective personal management – the “first things” we need to put first – then how do we organize and execute around those things ...
The first generation of time management does not even recognize the concept of priority. It gives us notes and “to do” lists that we can cross off, and we feel a temporary sense of accomplishment every time we check something off, but no priority is attached to items on the list. In addition, there is no correlation between what’s on the list and our ultimate values and purposes in life. We simply respond to whatever penetrates our awareness and apparently needs to be done. ...
Many people manage from this first-generation paradigm. It’s the course of least resistance. There’s no pain or strain; it’s fun to “go with the flow.” Externally imposed disciplines and schedules give people the feeling that they aren’t responsible for results. ...
But first-generation managers, by definition, are not effective people. They produce very little, and their life-style does nothing to build their Production Capability. Buffeted by outside forces, they are often seen as undependable and irresponsible, and they have very little sense of control and self-esteem. ...
Second-generation managers assume a little more control. They plan and schedule in advance and generally are seen as more responsible because they “show up” when they’re supposed to. ...
But again, the activities they schedule have no priority or recognized correlation to deeper values and goals. They have few significant achievements and tend to be schedule-oriented. ...
Third-generation managers take a significant step forward. They clarify their values and set goals. They plan each day and prioritize their activities. ...
As I have said, this is where most of the time-management field is today. But this third generation has some critical limitations. First, it limits vision – daily planning often misses important things that can only be seen from a larger perspective. The very language “daily planning” focuses on the urgent – the “now.” While third generation prioritization provides order to activity, it doesn’t question the essential importance of the activity in the first place – it doesn’t place the activity in the context of principles, personal mission, roles, and goals. The third-generation value-driven daily planning approach basically prioritizes the Quadrant I and III problems and crises of the day. ...
In addition, the third generation makes no provision for managing roles in a balanced way. It lacks realism, creating the tendency to over-schedule the day, resulting in frustration and the desire to occasionally throw away the plan and escape to Quadrant IV. And its efficiency, time-management focus tends to strain relationships rather than build them. ...
While each of the three generations has recognized the value of some kind of management tool, none has produced a tool that empowers a person to live a principlecentered, Quadrant II life-style. The first-generation note pads and “to do” lists give us no more than a place to capture those things that penetrate our awareness so we won’t forget them. The second-generation appointment books and calendars merely provide a place to record our future commitments so that we can be where we have agreed to be at the appropriate time. ...
Even the third generation, with its vast array of planners and materials, focuses primarily on helping people prioritize and plan their Quadrant I and III activities. Though many trainers and consultants recognize the value of Quadrant II activities, the actual planning tools of the third generation do not facilitate organizing and executing around them. ...
As each generation builds on those that have preceded it, the strengths and some of the tools of each of the first three generations provide elemental material for the fourth. But there is an added need for a new dimension, for the paradigm and the implementation that will empower us to move into Quadrant II, to become principle-centered and to manage ourselves to do what is truly most important. ...
The Quadrant II Tool ...
The objective of Quadrant II management is to manage our lives effectively – from a center of sound principles, for a knowledge of our personal mission, with a focus on the important as well as the urgent, and within the framework of maintaining a balance between increasing our Production and increasing our Production Capability ...
This is, admittedly, an ambitious objective for people caught in the thick of thin things in Quadrants III and IV. But striving to achieve it will have a phenomenal impact on personal effectiveness. ...
A Quadrant II organizer will need to meet six important criteria. ...
Coherence: Coherence suggests that there is harmony, unity, and integrity between your vision and mission, your roles and goals, your priorities and plans, and your desires and discipline. In your planner, there should be a place for your personal mission statement so that you can constantly refer to it. There also needs to be a place for your roles and for both short- and long-term goals. ...
Balance: Your tool should help you to keep balance in your life, to identify your various roles and keep them right in front of you, so that you don’t neglect important areas such as your health, your family, professional preparation, or personal development. ...
Many people seem to think that success in one area can compensate for failure in other areas of life. But can it really? Perhaps it can for a limited time in some areas. But can success in your profession compensate for a broken marriage, ruined health, or weakness in personal character? True effectiveness requires balance, and your tool needs to help you create and maintain it. ...
Quadrant II Focus:. You need a tool that encourages you, motivates you, actually helps you spend the time you need in Quadrant II, so that you’re dealing with prevention rather than prioritizing crises. In my opinion, the best way to do this is to organize your life on a weekly basis. You can still adapt and prioritize on a daily basis, but the fundamental thrust is organizing the week. ...
Organizing on a weekly basis provides much greater balance and context than daily planning. There seems to be implicit cultural recognition of the week as a single, complete unit of time. Business, education, and many other facets of society operate within the framework of the week, designating certain days for focused investment and others for relaxation or inspiration. The basic Judeo-Christian ethic honors the Sabbath, the one day out of every seven set aside for uplifting purposes. ...
Most people think in terms of weeks. But most third-generation planning tools focus on daily planning. While they may help you prioritize your activities, they basically only help you organize crises and busywork. The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities. And this can best be done in the context of the week. ...
A “People” Dimension: You also need a tool that deals with people, not just schedules. While you can think in terms of efficiency in dealing with time, a principle-centered person thinks in terms of effectiveness in dealing with people. There are times when principle-centered Quadrant II living requires the subordination of schedules to people. Your tool needs to reflect that value, to facilitate implementation rather than create guilt when a schedule is not followed. ...
Flexibility: Your planning tool should be your servant, never your master. Since it has to work for you, it should be tailored to your style, your needs, your particular ways. ...
Portability: Your tool should also be portable, so that you can carry it with you most of the time. You may want to review your personal mission statement while riding the bus. You may want to measure the value of a new opportunity against something you already have planned. If your organizer is portable, you will keep it with you so that important data is always within reach. ...
Since Quadrant II is the heart of effective self-management, you need a tool that moves you into Quadrant II. My work with the fourth-generation concept has led to the creation ...
of a tool specifically designed according to the criteria listed above. But many good thirdgeneration tools can easily be adapted. Because the principles are sound, the practices or specific applications can vary from one individual to the next. ...
Becoming a Quadrant II Self-Manager ...
Although my effort here is to teach principles, not practices, of effectiveness, I believe you can better understand the principles and the empowering nature of the fourth generation if you actually experience organizing a week from a principle-centered, Quadrant II base. ...
Quadrant II organizing involves four key activities. ...
Identifying Roles: The first task is to write down your key roles. If you haven’t really given serious thought to the roles in your life, you can write down what immediately comes to mind. You have a role as an individual. You may want to list one or more roles as a family member – a husband or wife, mother or father, son or daughter, a member of the extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. You may want to list a few roles in your work, indicating different areas in which you wish to invest time and energy on a regular basis. You may have roles in church or community affairs. ...
You don’t need to worry about defining the roles in a way that you will live with for the rest of your life – just consider the week and write down the areas you see yourself spending time in during the next seven days. ...
Here are two examples of the way people might see their various roles. ...
Individual ...
Husband/Father ...
Manager New Products ...
Manager Research ...
Manager Staff Dev. ...
Manager Administration ...
Chairman United Way ...
Personal Development ...
Wife ...
Mother ...
Real Estate Salesperson ...
Sunday School Teacher ...
Symphony Board Member ...
Selecting Goals: The next step is to think of two or three important results you feel you should accomplish in each role during the next seven days. These would be recorded as goals. ...
At least some of these goals should reflect Quadrant II activities. Ideally, these short-term goals would be tied to the longer-term goals you have identified in conjunction with your personal mission statement. But even if you haven’t written your mission statement, you can get a feeling, a sense, of what is important as you consider each of your roles and two or three goals for each role. ...
Scheduling: Now you look at the week ahead with your goals in mind and schedule time to achieve them. For example, if your goal is to produce the first draft of your personal ...
mission statement, you may want to set aside a two-hour block of time on Sunday to work on it. Sunday (or some other day of the week that is special to you, your faith, or your circumstances) is often the ideal time to plan your more personally uplifting activities, including weekly organizing. It’s a good time to draw back, to see inspiration, to look at your life in the context of principles and values. ...
If you set a goal to become physically fit through exercise, you may want to set aside an hour three or four days during the week, or possibly every day during the week, to accomplish that goal. There are some goals that you may only be able to accomplish during business hours, or some that you can only do on Saturday when your children are home. Can you begin to see some of the advantages of organizing the week instead of the day? ...
Having identified roles and set goals, you can translate each goal to a specific day of the week, either as a priority item or, even better, as a specific appointment. You can also check your annual or monthly calendar for any appointments you may have previously made and evaluate their importance in the context of your goals, transferring those you decide to keep to your schedule and making plans to reschedule or cancel others. ...
As you study the following weekly worksheet, observe how each of the 19 most important, often Quadrant II, goals has been scheduled or translated into a specific action plan. In addition, notice the box labeled “Sharpen the Saw TM” that provides a place to plan vital renewing Quadrant II activities in each of the four human dimensions that will be explained in Habit 7. ...
Even with time set aside to accomplish 19 important goals during the week, look at the amount of remaining unscheduled space on the worksheet! As well as empowering you to Put First Things First, Quadrant II weekly organizing gives you the freedom and the flexibility to handle unanticipated events, to shift appointments if you need to, to savor relationships and interactions with others, to deeply enjoy spontaneous experiences, knowing that you have proactively organized your week to accomplish key goals in every area of your life. ...
Daily Adapting: With Quadrant II weekly organizing, daily planning becomes more a function of daily adapting, or prioritizing activities and responding to unanticipated events, relationships, and experiences in a meaningful way. ...
Taking a few minutes each morning to review your schedule can put you in touch with the value-based decisions you made as you organized the week as well as unanticipated factors that may have come up. As you overview the day, you can see that your roles and goals provide a natural prioritization that grows out of your innate sense of balance. It is a softer, more right-brain prioritization that ultimately comes out of your sense of personal mission. ...
You may still find that the third-generation A,B,CA, B, C or 1,2,31,2,3 prioritization gives needed order to daily activities. It would be a false dichotomy to say that activities are either important or they aren’t. They are obviously on a continuum, and some important activities are more important than others. In the context of weekly organizing, thirdgeneration prioritization gives order to daily focus. ...
But trying to prioritize activities before you even know how they relate to your sense of personal mission and how they fit into the balance of your life is not effective. You may be prioritizing and accomplishing things you don’t want or need to be doing at all. ...
Can you begin to see the difference between organizing your week as a principlecentered, Quadrant II manager and planning your days as an individual centered on something else? Can you begin to sense the tremendous difference the Quadrant II focus would make in your current level of effectiveness? ...
Having experienced the power of principle-centered Quadrant II organizing in my own life and having seen it transform the lives of hundreds of other people, I am persuaded it makes a difference – a quantum positive difference. And the more completely weekly goals are tied into a wider framework of correct principles and into a personal mission statement, the greater the increase in effectiveness will be. ...
Living It ...
Returning once more to the computer metaphor, if Habit 1 says “You’re the programmer” and Habit 2 says “Write the program,” then Habit 3 says “Run the program,” “Live the program.” And living it is primarily a function of our independent will, our selfdiscipline, our integrity, and commitment – not to short-term goals and schedules or to the impulse of the moment, but to the correct principles and our own deepest values, which give meaning and context to our goals, our schedules, and our lives. ...
As you go through your week, there will undoubtedly be times when your integrity will be placed on the line. The popularity of reacting to the urgent but unimportant priorities of other people in Quadrant III or the pleasure of escaping to Quadrant IV will threaten to overpower the important Quadrant II activities you have planned. Your principle center, your self-awareness, and your conscience can provide a high degree of intrinsic security, guidance, and wisdom to empower you to use your independent will and maintain integrity to the truly important. ...
But because you aren’t omniscient, you can’t always know in advance what is truly important. As carefully as you organize the week, these will be times when, as a principle-centered person, you will need to subordinate your schedule to a higher value. Because you are principle-centered, you can do that with an inner sense of peace. ...
At one point, one of my sons was deeply into scheduling and efficiency. One day he had a very tight schedule, which included down-to-the-minute time allocations for every activity, including picking up some books, washing his car, and “dropping” Carol, his girlfriend, among other things. Everything went according to schedule until it came to Carol. They had been dating for a long period of time, and he had finally come to the conclusion that a continued relationship would not work out. So, congruent with his efficiency mode, he had scheduled a 10- to 15 -minute telephone call to tell her. ...
But the news was very traumatic to her. One-and-a-half hours later, he was still deeply involved in a very intense conversation with her. Even then, the one visit was not enough. The situation was a very frustrating experience for them both. ...
Again, you simply can’t think efficiency with people. You think effectiveness with people and efficiency with things. I’ve tried to be “efficient” with a disagreeing or disagreeable person and it simply doesn’t work. I’ve tried to give 10 minutes of “quality time” to a child or an employee to solve a problem, only to discover such “efficiency” creates new problems and seldom resolves the deepest concern. ...
I see many parents, particularly mothers with small children, often frustrated in their desire to accomplish a lot because all they seem to do is meet the needs of little children ...
all day. Remember, frustration is a function of our expectations, and our expectations are often a reflection of the social mirror rather than our own values and priorities. ...
But if you have Habit 2 deep inside your heart and mind, you have those higher values driving you. You can subordinate your schedule to those values with integrity. You can adapt; you can be flexible. You don’t feel guilty when you don’t meet your schedule or when you have to change it. ...
Advances of the Fourth Generation ...
One of the reasons why people resist using third-generation time management tools is because they lose spontaneity; they become rigid and inflexible. They subordinate people to schedules because the efficiency paradigm of the third generation of management is out of harmony with the principle that people are more important than things. ...
The fourth-generation tool recognizes that principle. It also recognizes that the first person you need to consider in terms of effectiveness rather than efficiency is yourself. It encourages you to spend time in Quadrant II, to understand and center your life on principles, to give clear expression to the purposes and values you want to direct your daily decisions. It helps you create balance in your life. It helps you rise above the limitations of daily planning and organize and schedule in the context of the week. And when a higher value conflicts with what you have planned, it empowers you to use your self-awareness and your conscience to maintain integrity to the principles and purposes you have determined are most important. Instead of using a road map, you’re using a compass. ...
The fourth generation of self-management is more advanced than the third in five important ways. ...
First, it’s principle-centered. More than giving lip service to Quadrant II, it creates the central paradigm that empowers you to see your time in the context of what is really important and effective ...
Second, it’s conscience-directed. It gives you the opportunity to organize your life to the best of your ability in harmony with your deepest values. But it also gives you the freedom to peacefully subordinate your schedule to higher values. ...
Third, it defines your unique mission, including values and long-term goals. This gives direction and purpose to the way you spend each day. ...
Fourth, it helps you balance your life by identifying roles, and by setting goals and scheduling activities in each key role every week. 第四，它通过识别角色、设定目标和每周安排每个关键角色的活动，帮助你平衡生活。
And fifth, it gives greater context through weekly organizing (with daily adaptation as needed), rising above the limiting perspective of a single day and putting you in touch with your deepest values through review of your key roles. 第五，它通过每周的组织（根据需要进行每日调整）提供了更大的背景，超越了单日的局限视角，并通过对关键角色的回顾使你与内心最深处的价值观保持联系。
The practical thread running through all five of these advances is a primary focus on relationships and results and a secondary focus on time. 这五项进展的共同主题是主要关注关系和结果，次要关注时间。
Delegation: Increasing P and PC 代表团：增加 P 和 PC
We accomplish all that we do through delegation – either to time or to other people. If we 我们通过委托来完成我们所做的一切——无论是对时间还是对其他人。如果我们
delegate to time, we think efficiency. If we delegate to other people, we think effectiveness. Many people refuse to delegate to other people because they feel it takes too much time and effort and they could do the job better themselves. But effectively delegating to others is perhaps the single most powerful high-leverage activity there is. 委托给时间，我们考虑效率。如果我们委托给其他人，我们考虑有效性。许多人拒绝将工作委托给其他人，因为他们觉得这需要太多时间和精力，而且他们自己可以做得更好。但有效地将工作委托给他人，或许是唯一最强大的高杠杆活动。
Transferring responsibility to other skilled and trained people enables you to give your energies to other high-leverage activities. Delegation means growth, both for individuals and for organizations. The late J. C. Penney was quoted as saying that the wisest decision he ever made was to “let go” after realizing that he couldn’t do it all by himself any longer. That decision, made long ago, enabled the development and growth of hundreds of stores and thousands of people. 将责任转移给其他熟练和受过培训的人，使您能够将精力投入到其他高杠杆活动中。委托意味着个人和组织的成长。已故的 J. C. Penney 曾被引用说，他做过的最明智的决定就是在意识到自己无法再独自完成所有事情后“放手”。这个很久以前做出的决定促成了数百家商店和数千人的发展与成长。
Because delegation involves other people, it is a Public Victory and could well be included in Habit 4. But because we are focusing here on principles of personal management, and the ability to delegate to others is the main difference between the role of manager and independent producer, I am approaching delegation from the standpoint of your personal managerial skills. A producer does whatever is necessary to accomplish desired results, to get the golden eggs. A parent who washes the dishes, an architect who draws up blueprints, or a secretary who types correspondence is a producer. But when a person sets up and works with and through people and systems to produce golden eggs, that person becomes a manager in the interdependent sense. A parent who delegates washing the dishes to a child is a manager. An architect who heads a team of other architects is a manager. A secretary who supervises other secretaries and office personnel is an office manager. 因为委托涉及其他人，所以它是一个公共胜利，完全可以包含在习惯 4 中。但由于我们在这里关注的是个人管理的原则，而将任务委托给他人的能力是经理和独立制作人之间的主要区别，我将从个人管理技能的角度来探讨委托。制作人会做任何必要的事情来实现期望的结果，获取金蛋。一个洗碗的父母，一个绘制蓝图的建筑师，或一个打字的秘书都是制作人。但当一个人建立并与他人和系统合作以生产金蛋时，这个人就成为了在相互依赖的意义上的经理。一个将洗碗任务委托给孩子的父母是一个经理。一个领导其他建筑师团队的建筑师是一个经理。一个监督其他秘书和办公室人员的秘书是办公室经理。
A producer can invest one hour of effort and produce one unit of results, assuming no loss of efficiency. A manager, on the other hand, can invest one hour of effort and produce 10 or 50 or 100 units through effective delegation. Management is essentially moving the fulcrum over, and the key to effective management is delegation. 一个生产者可以投入一个小时的努力，产生一个单位的结果，假设没有效率损失。另一方面，一个经理可以投入一个小时的努力，通过有效的委派产生 10、50 或 100 个单位。管理本质上是移动支点，而有效管理的关键是委派。
Gofer Delegation
There are basically two kinds of delegation: “gofer delegation” and “stewardship delegation.” Gofer delegation means “Go for this, go for that, do this, do that, and tell me when it’s done.” Most people who are producers have a gofer delegation paradigm. Remember the machete wielders in the jungle? They are the producers. They roll up their sleeves and get the job done. If they are given a position of supervision or management, they still think like producers. They don’t know how to set up a full delegation so that another person is committed to achieve results. Because they are focused on methods, they become responsible for the results. 基本上有两种委托方式：“跑腿委托”和“管理委托”。跑腿委托意味着“去做这个，去做那个，做这个，做那个，完成后告诉我。”大多数作为生产者的人都有跑腿委托的思维模式。还记得丛林中的砍刀手吗？他们就是生产者。他们卷起袖子，完成工作。如果他们被赋予监督或管理的职位，他们仍然像生产者一样思考。他们不知道如何建立一个完整的委托，以便让另一个人致力于实现结果。因为他们专注于方法，所以他们对结果负责。
I was involved in a gofer delegation once when our family went water skiing. My son, who is an excellent skier, was in the water being pulled and I was driving the boat. I handed the camera to Sandra and asked her to take some pictures. 我曾经参与过一次跑腿代表团，当时我们全家去水上滑雪。我的儿子是个优秀的滑雪者，他在水里被拖着，我在开船。我把相机递给桑德拉，让她拍一些照片。
At first, I told her to be selective in her picture taking because we didn’t have much film left. Then I realized she was unfamiliar with the camera, so I became a little more specific. I told her to be sure to wait until the sun was ahead of the boat and until our son was jumping the wake or making a turn and touching his elbow. 起初，我告诉她在拍照时要挑剔一些，因为我们剩下的胶卷不多。然后我意识到她对相机不太熟悉，于是我变得更加具体。我告诉她一定要等到太阳在船的前方，并且等到我们的儿子在跳起浪花或转弯并碰到他的肘部时再拍照。
But the more I thought about our limited footage and her inexperience with the camera, the more concerned I became. I finally said, "Look, Sandra, just push the button when I tell you. Okay? And I spent the next few minutes yelling, “Take it! – Take it! – Don’t take 但我越是想到我们有限的镜头和她对相机的不熟悉，我就越感到担忧。我最终说：“听着，桑德拉，等我告诉你时就按下按钮。好吗？”接下来的几分钟里，我一直在大喊：“拍！– 拍！– 别拍！”
it! – Don’t take it!” I was afraid that if I didn’t direct her every move every second, it wouldn’t be done right. “别拿这个！”我担心如果我不每秒都指挥她的每一个动作，就不会做得正确。
That was true gofer delegation, one-on-one supervision of methods. Many people consistently delegate that way. But how much does it really accomplish? And how many people is it possible to supervise or manage when you have to be involved in every move they make? 这是真正的助手委派，一对一的方法监督。许多人始终以这种方式委派。但这究竟能实现多少呢？当你必须参与他们的每一个动作时，能够监督或管理多少人呢？
There’s a much better way, a more effective way to delegate to other people. And it’s based on a paradigm of appreciation of the self-awareness, the imagination, the conscience, and the free will of other people. 有一种更好的方法，一种更有效的方式来委托给其他人。这是基于对他人的自我意识、想象力、良知和自由意志的欣赏范式。
Stewardship Delegation 管理委托
Stewardship delegation is focused on results instead of methods. It gives people a choice of method and makes them responsible for results. It takes more time in the beginning, but it’s time well invested. You can move the fulcrum over, you can increase your leverage, through stewardship delegation. 管理委托专注于结果而非方法。它给人们提供了选择方法的机会，并使他们对结果负责。虽然一开始需要更多时间，但这是值得的投资。通过管理委托，你可以移动支点，增加你的杠杆。
Stewardship delegation involves clear, up-front mutual understanding and commitment regarding expectations in five areas. 管理委托涉及在五个领域内明确、事先的相互理解和承诺。
Desired Results: Create a clear, mutual understanding of what needs to be accomplished, focusing on what, not how; results, not methods. Spend time. Be patient. Visualize the desired result. Have the person see it, describe it, make out a quality statement of what the results will look like, and by when they will be accomplished. 期望结果：建立清晰的共同理解，明确需要完成的任务，关注“什么”，而不是“如何”；关注结果，而不是方法。花时间。保持耐心。想象期望的结果。让对方看到它，描述它，制定出结果的质量声明，以及何时完成。
Guidelines: Identify the parameters within which the individual should operate. These should be as few as possible to avoid methods delegation, but should include any formidable restrictions. You won’t want a person to think he had considerable latitude as long as he accomplished the objectives, only to violate some long-standing traditional practice or value. That kills initiative and sends people back to the gofer’s creed: “Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.” 指导方针：确定个人应在其中操作的参数。这些参数应尽可能少，以避免方法委托，但应包括任何严峻的限制。您不希望一个人认为只要他完成了目标，就有相当大的自由度，而违反了一些长期以来的传统做法或价值观。这会扼杀主动性，并使人们回到助手的信条：“只需告诉我您想让我做什么，我就会去做。”
If you know the failure paths of the job, identify them. Be honest and open – tell a person where the quicksand is and where the wild animals are. You don’t want to have to reinvent the wheel every day. Let people learn from your mistakes or the mistakes of others. Point out the potential failure paths, what not to do, but don’t tell them what to do. Keep the responsibility for results with them – to do whatever is necessary within the guidelines. 如果你知道工作的失败路径，请识别它们。要诚实和开放——告诉一个人哪里是流沙，哪里是野生动物。你不想每天都重新发明轮子。让人们从你的错误或他人的错误中学习。指出潜在的失败路径，告诉他们不该做什么，但不要告诉他们该做什么。将结果的责任留给他们——在指导方针内做任何必要的事情。
Resources: Identify the human, financial, technical, or organizational resources the person can draw on to accomplish the desired results. 资源：识别个人可以利用的人力、财力、技术或组织资源，以实现期望的结果。
Accountability: Set up the standards of performance that will be used in evaluating the results and the specific times when reporting and evaluation will take place. 问责制：建立用于评估结果的绩效标准，以及报告和评估将进行的具体时间。
Consequences: Specify what will happen, both good and bad, as a result of the evaluation. This could include such things as financial rewards, psychic rewards, different job assignments, and natural consequences tied into the overall mission of an organization. 后果：说明评估的结果，无论是好是坏。这可能包括财务奖励、心理奖励、不同的工作分配，以及与组织整体使命相关的自然后果。
Some years ago, I had an interesting experience in delegation with one of my sons. We were having a family meeting, and we had our mission statement up on the wall to make sure our plans were in harmony with our values. Everybody was there. 几年前，我和我的一个儿子有过一次有趣的委托经验。我们正在召开家庭会议，墙上贴着我们的使命宣言，以确保我们的计划与我们的价值观相一致。每个人都在场。
I set up a big blackboard and we wrote down our goals – the key things we wanted to do – and the jobs that flowed out of those goals. Then I asked for volunteers to do the job. 我设置了一个大黑板，我们写下了我们的目标——我们想要做的关键事情——以及从这些目标中衍生出的工作。然后我请求志愿者来做这些工作。
“Who wants to pay the mortgage?” I asked. I noticed I was the only one with my hand up. “谁想支付抵押贷款？”我问。我注意到只有我举手。
“Who wants to pay for the insurance? The food? The cars?” I seemed to have a real monopoly on the opportunities. “谁想为保险付费？为食物？为汽车？”我似乎在机会方面有着真正的垄断。
“Who wants to feed the new baby?” There was more interest here, but my wife was the only one with the right qualifications for the job. “谁想喂新生儿？”这里的兴趣更多，但我妻子是唯一一个具备这个工作的资格的人。
As we went down the list, job by job, it was soon evident that Mom and Dad had more than sixty-hour work weeks. With that paradigm in mind, some of the other jobs took on a more proper perspective. 当我们逐一查看列表时，很快就明显父母的工作周超过了六十小时。考虑到这一范式，其他一些工作也显得更为恰当。
My seven-year-old son, Stephen, volunteered to take care of the yard. Before I actually gave him a job, I began a thorough training process. I wanted him to have a clear picture in his mind of what a well-cared-for yard was like, so I took him next door to our neighbor’s. 我七岁的儿子斯蒂芬自愿照顾院子。在我真正给他一个工作之前，我开始了一个彻底的培训过程。我想让他清楚地了解一个被好好照顾的院子是什么样子，所以我带他去了隔壁邻居家。
“Look, son,” I said. “See how our neighbor’s yard is green and clean? That’s what we’re after: green and clean. Now come look at our yard. See the mixed colors? That’s not it; that’s not green. Green and clean is what we want. Now how you get it green is up to you. You’re free to do it any way you want, except paint it. But I’ll tell you how I’d do it if it were up to me.” “看，儿子，”我说。“看看我们邻居的院子，绿油油的，干干净净的？这就是我们想要的：绿和干净。现在来看看我们的院子。看看那些混合的颜色？那不是绿；那不是绿。我们想要的是绿和干净。现在你怎么让它变绿就看你了。你可以随便做，除了涂漆。但我会告诉你如果由我来做，我会怎么做。”
“How would you do it, Dad?” “爸爸，你会怎么做？”
“I’d turn on the sprinklers. But you may want to use buckets or a hose. It makes no difference to me. All we care about is that the color is green. Okay?” “我会打开喷头。但你可能想用桶或水管。对我来说没什么区别。我们关心的只是颜色是绿色。好吗？”
“Okay.” “好的。”
“Now let’s talk about ‘clean,’ Son. Clean means no messes around – no paper, strings, bones, sticks, or anything that messes up the place. I’ll tell you what let’s do. Let’s just clean up half of the yard right now and look at the difference.” “现在让我们谈谈‘干净’，儿子。干净意味着周围没有杂物——没有纸张、绳子、骨头、树枝或任何弄乱地方的东西。我告诉你我们该怎么做。我们现在就清理一半的院子，看看有什么不同。”
So we got out two paper sacks and picked up one side of the yard. “Now look at this side. Look at the other side. See the difference? That’s called clean.” 所以我们拿出了两个纸袋，清理了院子的一侧。“现在看看这一侧。看看另一侧。看到区别了吗？这就叫干净。”
“Wait!” he called. “I see some paper behind that bush!” “等一下！”他叫道。“我看到那丛灌木后面有一些纸！”
“Oh, good! I didn’t notice that newspaper back there. You have good eyes, Son.” “哦，太好了！我没注意到那边的报纸。你真有眼光，儿子。”
“Now before you decide whether or not you’re going to take the job, let me tell you a few more things. Because when you take the job, I don’t do it anymore. It’s your job. It’s called a stewardship. Stewardship means ‘a job with a trust.’ I trust you to do the job, to get it done. Now who’s going to be your boss?” “现在在你决定是否接受这份工作之前，让我再告诉你几件事。因为当你接受这份工作时，我就不再做了。这是你的工作。这被称为托管。托管意味着‘一种有信任的工作。’我信任你去完成这项工作。现在，谁将是你的老板？”
“You, Dad?” “你，爸爸？”
“No, not me. You’re the boss. You boss yourself. How do you like Mom and Dad nagging you all the time?” “不，我不是。你是老板。你自己做主。你觉得妈妈和爸爸一直唠叨你怎么样？”
“I don’t.” “我不。”
“We don’t like doing it either. It sometimes causes a bad feeling doesn’t it? So you boss yourself. Now, guess who your helper is.” “我们也不喜欢这样做。有时候这会造成不好的感觉，对吧？所以你要自我管理。现在，猜猜你的助手是谁。”
“Who?” “谁？”
“I am,” I said. “You boss me.” “我就是，”我说。“你指挥我。”
“I do?” “我吗？”
“That’s right. But my time to help is limited. Sometimes I’m away. But when I’m here, you tell me how I can help. I’ll do anything you want me to do.” “没错。但我能帮助的时间有限。有时我不在。但当我在这里时，你告诉我我可以怎么帮忙。我会做你想让我做的任何事情。”
“Okay!” “好的！”
“Now guess who judges you.” “现在猜猜谁在评判你。”
“Who?” “谁？”
“You judge yourself.” “你自己评判自己。”
“I do?” “我吗？”
“That’s right. Twice a week the two of us will walk around the yard and you can show me how it’s coming. How are you going to judge?” “没错。我们每周两次会在院子里走一圈，你可以告诉我进展如何。你打算怎么评判？”
“Green and clean.” “绿色和清洁。”
“Right!” “对！”
I trained him with those two words for two weeks before I felt he was ready to take the job. Finally, the big day came. 我用那两个词训练了他两个星期，才觉得他准备好接这个工作。最后，重要的一天来了。
“Is it a deal, Son?” “成交了吗，儿子？”
“It’s a deal.” “成交。”
“What’s the job?” “这份工作是什么？”
“Green and clean.” “绿色和清洁。”
“What’s green?” “什么是绿色？”
He looked at our yard, which was beginning to look better. Then he pointed next door. “That’s the color of his yard.” 他看着我们的院子，开始变得更好了。然后他指向隔壁。“那是他院子的颜色。”
“What’s clean?” “什么是干净的？”
“No messes.” “没有混乱。”
“Who’s the boss?” “谁是老板？”
“I am.” “我在。”
“Who’s your helper?” “谁是你的助手？”
“You are, when you have time.” “你有时间的时候。”
“Who’s the judge?” “谁是法官？”
“I am. We’ll walk around two times a week and I can show you how it’s coming.” “我在。我们每周会走两次，我可以给你看看进展如何。”
“And what will we look for?” “我们将寻找什么？”
“Green and clean.” “绿色和清洁。”
At that time I didn’t mention an allowance. But I wouldn’t hesitate to attach an allowance to such a stewardship. 那时我没有提到津贴。但我不会犹豫地将津贴附加到这样的管理职责上。
Two weeks and two words. I thought he was ready. 两周和两个词。我以为他准备好了。
It was Saturday. And he did nothing. Sunday…nothing. Monday…nothing. As I pulled out of the driveway on my way to work on Tuesday, I looked at the yellow, cluttered yard and the hot July sun on its way up. “Surely he’ll do it today,” I thought. I could rationalize Saturday because that was the day we made the agreement. I could rationalize Sunday; Sunday was for other things. But I couldn’t rationalize Monday. And now it was Tuesday. Certainly he’d do it today. It was summertime. What else did he have to do? 那是星期六。他什么都没做。星期天……什么都没做。星期一……什么都没做。当我在星期二开车离开车道去上班时，我看着那个杂乱的黄色院子和正在升起的炎热七月的阳光。“他今天肯定会做的，”我想。我可以为星期六找借口，因为那是我们达成协议的日子。我可以为星期天找借口；星期天是用来做其他事情的。但我无法为星期一找借口。而现在是星期二。他今天肯定会做的。现在是夏天。他还有什么其他事情要做呢？
All day I could hardly wait to return home to see what happened. As I rounded the corner, I was met with the same picture I left that morning. And there was my son at the park across the street playing. This was not acceptable. I was upset and disillusioned by his performance after two weeks of training and all those commitments. We had a lot of effort, pride, and money invested in the yard and I could see it going down the drain. Besides, my neighbor’s yard was manicured and beautiful, and the situation was beginning to get embarrassing. 整天我几乎等不及要回家看看发生了什么。当我转过拐角时，看到的还是我那天早上离开时的情景。我的儿子在街对面的公园里玩耍。这是不可接受的。在经过两周的训练和所有那些承诺后，我对他的表现感到失望和幻灭。我们在院子里投入了很多努力、骄傲和金钱，而我看到这一切都在流失。此外，我邻居的院子修剪得整齐美丽，情况开始变得尴尬。
I was ready to go back to gofer delegation. Son, you get over here and pick up this garbage right now or else! I knew I could get the golden egg that way. But what about the goose? What would happen to his internal commitment? 我准备回到跑腿委派。儿子，你现在过来把这个垃圾捡起来，否则就等着！我知道我可以通过这种方式得到金蛋。但是那只鹅呢？他的内在承诺会发生什么？
So I faked a smile and yelled across the street, “Hi, Son. How’s it going?” 所以我假装微笑，朝街对面大喊：“嗨，儿子。最近怎么样？”
“Fine!” he returned. “好！”他回答道。
“How’s the yard coming?” I knew the minute I said it I had broken our agreement. That’s not the way we had set up an accounting. That’s not what we had agreed. “院子进展得怎么样？”我知道我一说出来就打破了我们的协议。这不是我们设定的账目方式。这不是我们达成的共识。
“How’s the yard coming?” I knew the minute I said it I had broken our agreement. That’s not the way we had set up an accounting. That’s not what we had agreed. “院子进展得怎么样？”我知道我一说出来就打破了我们的协议。这不是我们设定的账目方式。这不是我们达成的共识。
So he felt justified in breaking it, too. “Fine, Dad.” 所以他觉得这样做也是合理的。“好吧，爸爸。”
I bit my tongue and waited until after dinner. Then I said, “Son, let’s do as we agreed. Let’s walk around the yard together and you can show me how it’s going in your stewardship.” 我咬了咬舌头，等到晚饭后才说：“儿子，我们按照约定来吧。我们一起在院子里走走，你可以给我看看你管理的情况。”
As we started out the door, his chin began to quiver. Tears welled up in his eyes and, by the time we got out to the middle of the yard, he was whimpering. 当我们走出门时，他的下巴开始颤抖。泪水在他的眼中涌现，当我们到达院子中间时，他已经在呜咽。
“It’s so hard, Dad!” “这太难了，爸爸！”
What’s so hard? I thought to myself. You haven’t done a single thing! But I knew what was hard – self management, self-supervision. So I said, “Is there anything I can do to help?” 有什么那么难的？我心想。你什么都没做！但我知道什么是困难的——自我管理，自我监督。所以我说：“有什么我可以帮忙的吗？”
“Would you, Dad?” he sniffed “你愿意吗，爸爸？”他抽泣着说
“What was our agreement?” “我们的协议是什么？”
“You said you’d help me if you had time.” “你说如果有时间就会帮我。”
“I have time.” “我有时间。”
So he ran into the house and came back with two sacks. He handed me one. “Will you pick that stuff up?” He pointed to the garbage from Saturday night’s barbecue. “It makes me sick!” 于是他跑进屋里，拿了两个袋子出来。他递给我一个。“你能把那些东西捡起来吗？”他指着星期六晚上烧烤留下的垃圾。“这让我恶心！”
So I did. I did exactly what he asked me to do. And that was when he signed the agreement in his heart. It became his yard, his stewardship. 所以我照做了。我完全按照他要求我做的去做。就在那时，他在心里签署了协议。这成了他的院子，他的管理。
He only asked for help two or three more times that entire summer. He took care of that yard. He kept it greener and cleaner than it had ever been under my stewardship. He even reprimanded his brothers and sisters if they left so much as a gum wrapper on the lawn. 他整个夏天只请求了两三次帮助。他照顾那个院子。他把它保持得比我管理时更绿更干净。如果他的兄弟姐妹在草坪上留下一个口香糖包装纸，他甚至会训斥他们。
Trust is the highest form of human motivation. It brings out the very best in people. But it takes time and patience, and it doesn’t preclude the necessity to train and develop people so that their competency can rise to the level of that trust. 信任是人类动机的最高形式。它能激发人们的最佳表现。但这需要时间和耐心，并不排除对人进行培训和发展的必要性，以便他们的能力能够达到这种信任的水平。
I am convinced that if stewardship delegation is done correctly, both parties will benefit and ultimately much more work will get done in much less time. I believe that a family that is well organized, whose time has been spent effectively delegating on a one-to-one basis, can organize the work so that everyone can do everything in about an hour a day. But that takes the internal capacity to want to manage, not just produce. The focus is on effectiveness, not efficiency. 我相信，如果管理委托正确进行，双方都会受益，最终会在更短的时间内完成更多的工作。我认为，一个组织良好的家庭，如果能够有效地进行一对一的委托，可以组织工作，使每个人每天大约只需一个小时就能完成所有事情。但这需要内部的能力去管理，而不仅仅是生产。重点在于有效性，而不是效率。
Certainly you can pick up that room better than a child, but the key is that you want to empower the child to do it. It takes time. You have to get involved in the training and development. It takes time, but how valuable that time is downstream! It saves you so much in the long run. 当然，你可以比孩子更好地整理那个房间，但关键是你想要让孩子有能力去做这件事。这需要时间。你必须参与培训和发展。这需要时间，但那段时间在后期是多么有价值啊！从长远来看，这能为你节省很多。
This approach involves an entirely new paradigm of delegation. In effect, it changes the nature of the relationship: The steward becomes his own boss, governed by a conscience that contains the commitment to agreed upon desired results. But it also releases his creative energies toward doing whatever is necessary in harmony with correct principles to achieve those desired results. 这种方法涉及一种全新的委托范式。实际上，它改变了关系的性质：管理者成为自己的老板，由包含对商定期望结果承诺的良知所支配。但它也释放了他朝着与正确原则和谐一致的方式做任何必要事情的创造性能量，以实现这些期望结果。
The principles involved in stewardship delegation are correct and applicable to any kind of person or situation. With immature people, you specify fewer desired results and more guidelines, identify more resources, conduct more frequent accountability interviews, and apply more immediate consequences. With more mature people, you have more challenging desired results, fewer guidelines, less frequent accountability, and less measurable but more discernible criteria. 在委托管理中涉及的原则是正确的，并适用于任何类型的人或情况。对于不成熟的人，您指定较少的期望结果和更多的指导方针，识别更多的资源，进行更频繁的问责访谈，并施加更直接的后果。对于更成熟的人，您有更具挑战性的期望结果，较少的指导方针，较少的问责，和较少可量化但更易辨别的标准。
Effective delegation is perhaps the best indicator of effective management simply because it is so basic to both personal and organizational growth. 有效的授权或许是有效管理的最佳指标，因为它对个人和组织的成长都是如此基本。
The Quadrant II Paradigm 第二象限范式
The key to effective management of self, or of others through delegation, is not in any technique or tool or extrinsic factor. It is intrinsic – in the Quadrant II paradigm that empowers you to see through the lens of importance rather than urgency. 有效管理自我或通过委派管理他人的关键不在于任何技巧、工具或外部因素。它是内在的——在第二象限的范式中，使你能够通过重要性而非紧迫性来观察事物。
I have included in the Appendix an exercise called “A Quadrant II Day at the Office” which will enable you to see in a business setting how powerfully this paradigm can impact your effectiveness. As you work to develop a Quadrant II paradigm, you will increase your ability to organize and execute every week of your life around your deepest priorities, to walk your talk. You will not be dependent on any other person or thing for the effective management of your life. 我在附录中包含了一个名为“A Quadrant II Day at the Office”的练习，这将使您在商业环境中看到这一范式如何强有力地影响您的有效性。当您努力发展一个 Quadrant II 范式时，您将提高每周围绕您最深切的优先事项组织和执行生活的能力，做到言行一致。您将不再依赖任何其他人或事物来有效管理您的生活。
Interestingly, every one of the Seven Habits is in Quadrant II. Every one deals with fundamentally important things that, if done on a regular basis, would make a tremendous positive difference in our lives. 有趣的是，七个习惯中的每一个都在第二象限。每一个都涉及到根本重要的事情，如果定期进行，将会对我们的生活产生巨大的积极影响。
Application Suggestions: 应用建议：
Identify a Quadrant II activity you know has been neglected in your life – one that, if done well, would have a significant impact in your life, either personally or professionally. Write it down and commit to implement it. 识别一个你知道在生活中被忽视的第二象限活动——如果做得好，将对你的生活产生重大影响，无论是个人还是职业方面。把它写下来并承诺去实施。
Draw a Time Management Matrix and try to estimate what percentage of your time you spend in each quadrant. Then log your time for three days in 15-minute intervals. How accurate was your estimate? Are you satisfied with the way you spend your time? What do you need to change. 绘制一个时间管理矩阵，并尝试估计你在每个象限中花费的时间百分比。然后在 15 分钟的间隔内记录你三天的时间。你的估计有多准确？你对自己花费时间的方式满意吗？你需要改变什么？
Make a list of responsibilities you could delegate and the people you could delegate to or train to be responsible in these areas. Determine what is needed to start the process of delegation or training. 列出您可以委派的责任以及您可以委派或培训负责这些领域的人员。确定开始委派或培训过程所需的内容。
Organize your next week. Start by writing down your roles and goals for the week, then transfer the goals to a specific action plan. At the end of the week, evaluate how well your plan translated your deep values and purposes into your daily life and the degree of integrity you were able to maintain to those values and purposes. 组织你下周的计划。首先写下你这一周的角色和目标，然后将目标转化为具体的行动计划。在周末，评估你的计划在多大程度上将你的深层价值观和目标转化为日常生活，以及你在多大程度上能够保持对这些价值观和目标的诚信。
Commit yourself to start organizing on a weekly basis and set up a regular time to do it. 承诺每周开始组织，并设定一个固定的时间来进行。
Either convert your current planning tool into a fourth generation tool or secure such a tool. 要么将您当前的规划工具转换为第四代工具，要么获取这样的工具。
Go through “A Quadrant II Day at the Office” (Appendix B) for a more in-depth understanding of the impact of a Quadrant II paradigm. 深入了解 Quadrant II 范式的影响，请参阅“A Quadrant II Day at the Office”（附录 B）。
Part Three
Public Victory 第三部分 公众胜利
Paradigms of Interdependence 相互依存的范式
There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity 没有信任就没有友谊，没有诚信就没有信任
– Samuel Johnso – 塞缪尔·约翰逊
Before moving into the area of Public Victory, we should remember that effective interdependence can only be built on a foundation of true independence. Private Victory precedes Public Victory. Algebra comes before calculus. 在进入公共胜利的领域之前，我们应该记住，有效的相互依赖只能建立在真正独立的基础上。私人胜利先于公共胜利。代数在微积分之前。
As we look back and survey the terrain to determine where we’ve been and where we are in relationship to where we’re going, we clearly see that we could not have gotten where we are without coming the way we came. There aren’t any other roads; there aren’t any shortcuts. There’s no way to parachute into this terrain. The landscape ahead is covered with the fragments of broken relationships of people who have tried. They’ve tried to jump into effective relationships without the maturity, the strength of character, to maintain them. But you just can’t do it; you simply have to travel the road. You can’t be successful with other people if you haven’t paid the price of success with yourself. 当我们回顾并审视所走过的道路，以确定我们曾经在哪里、现在在哪里以及我们要去往何处时，我们清楚地看到，如果没有走过我们所走的路，我们就无法达到现在的状态。没有其他的道路；没有捷径。没有办法直接降落到这个地形上。前方的景观布满了那些曾经尝试过的人们破裂关系的碎片。他们试图在没有成熟、没有足够品格的情况下跳入有效的关系中，但你就是无法做到；你必须走这条路。如果你没有为自己的成功付出代价，就无法与他人取得成功。
A few years ago when I was giving a seminar on the Oregon coast, a man came up to me and said, “You know, Stephen, I really don’t enjoy coming to these seminars.” He had my attention. 几年前，当我在俄勒冈海岸举办一个研讨会时，一个人走到我面前说：“你知道，斯蒂芬，我真的不喜欢来这些研讨会。”他引起了我的注意。
“Look at everyone else here,” he continued. "Look at this beautiful coastline and the sea out there and all that’s happening. All I can do is sit and worry about the grilling I’m going to get from my wife tonight on the phone. “看看这里的其他人，”他继续说道。“看看这美丽的海岸线和那里的大海，以及发生的一切。我能做的就是坐着担心今晚在电话中我妻子会对我进行的训斥。”
"She gives me the third degree every time I’m away. Where did I eat breakfast? Who else was there? Was I in meetings all morning? When did we stop for lunch? What did I do during lunch? How did I spend the afternoon? What did I do for entertainment in the evening? Who was with me? What did we talk about? "每次我不在的时候，她都会问我很多问题。我早餐在哪里吃的？还有谁在那儿？我整个上午都在开会吗？我们什么时候停下来吃午饭？我午饭期间做了什么？我下午是怎么度过的？我晚上做了什么娱乐活动？谁和我在一起？我们聊了些什么？"
“And what she really wants to know, but never quite asks, is who she can call to verify everything I tell her. She just nags me and questions everything I do whenever I’m away. It’s taken the bloom out of this whole experience. I really don’t enjoy it at all.” “她真正想知道的，但从未真正问过的是，她可以打电话给谁来验证我告诉她的一切。每当我不在时，她总是对我唠叨，质疑我所做的一切。这让整个经历失去了光彩。我真的一点也不享受。”
He did look pretty miserable. We talked for a while, and then he made a very interesting comment. “I guess she knows all the questions to ask,” he said a little sheepishly. “It was at a seminar like this that I met her when I was married to someone else!” 他看起来确实很痛苦。我们聊了一会儿，然后他发表了一个非常有趣的评论。“我想她知道所有该问的问题，”他有些害羞地说。“我是在这样的一个研讨会上遇到她的，当时我还和别人结婚！”
I considered the implications of his comment and then said, “You’re kind of into ‘quick fix,’ aren’t you?” 我考虑了他评论的含义，然后说：“你有点喜欢‘快速解决’，不是吗？”
“What do you mean?” he replied. “你是什么意思？”他回答道。
“Well, you’d like to take a screwdriver and just open up your wife’s head and rewire that attitude of hers really fast, wouldn’t you?” “好吧，你肯定想用螺丝刀打开你妻子的脑袋，快速重塑她的态度，是吧？”
“Sure, I’d like her to change,” he exclaimed. “I don’t think it’s right for her to constantly grill me like she does.” “当然，我希望她能改变，”他喊道。“我觉得她这样不断地盘问我是不对的。”
“My friend,” I said, “you can’t talk your way out of problems you behave yourself into.” “我的朋友，”我说，“你无法通过言辞摆脱你自己造成的问题。”
We’re dealing with a very dramatic and very fundamental Paradigm Shift here. You may try to lubricate your social interactions with personality techniques and skills, but in the process, you may truncate the vital character base. You can’t have the fruits without the roots. It’s the principle of sequencing: Private Victory precedes Public Victory. Selfmastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others. 我们在这里处理一个非常戏剧性和非常根本的范式转变。你可以尝试用个性技巧和技能来润滑你的社交互动，但在这个过程中，你可能会削弱重要的性格基础。没有根就没有果。这是顺序的原则：私人胜利先于公共胜利。自我掌控和自律是与他人建立良好关系的基础。
Some people say that you have to like yourself before you can like others. I think that idea has merit, but if you don’t know yourself, if you don’t control yourself, if you don’t have mastery over yourself, it’s very hard to like yourself, except in some short-term, psych-up, superficial way. Real self-respect comes from dominion over self, from true independence. And that’s the focus of Habits 1, 2, and 3. Independence is an achievement. Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make. Unless we are willing to achieve real independence, it’s foolish to try to develop human-relations skills. We might try. We might even have some degree of success when the sun is shining. But when the difficult times come – and they will – we won’t have the foundation to keep things together. 有些人说，你必须喜欢自己才能喜欢别人。我认为这个观点是有道理的，但如果你不了解自己，如果你不能控制自己，如果你没有掌控自己的能力，那么很难真正喜欢自己，除了在某种短期的、激励的、表面的方式上。真正的自尊来自于对自我的主宰，来自于真正的独立。这就是习惯 1、2 和 3 的重点。独立是一种成就。相互依赖是只有独立的人才能做出的选择。除非我们愿意实现真正的独立，否则试图发展人际关系技能是愚蠢的。我们可能会尝试。我们甚至可能在阳光明媚的时候取得一定程度的成功。但当困难时期来临时——而且它们一定会来——我们将没有基础来维持一切。
The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are. And if our words and our actions come from superficial humanrelations techniques (the personality ethic) rather than from our own inner core (the character ethic), others will sense that duplicity. We simply won’t be able to create and sustain the foundation necessary for effective interdependence. 我们在任何关系中投入的最重要成分不是我们所说的或所做的，而是我们是谁。如果我们的言语和行为来自表面的交际技巧（人格伦理），而不是来自我们内心的核心（品格伦理），他人会感受到这种虚伪。我们根本无法创造和维持有效相互依赖所需的基础。
The techniques and skills that really make a difference in human interaction are the ones that almost naturally flow from a truly independent character. So the place to begin building any relationship is inside ourselves, inside our Circle of Influence, our own character. As we become independent – proactive, centered in correct principles, value driven and able to organize and execute around the priorities in our life with integrity -we then can choose to become interdependent – capable of building rich, enduring, highly productive relationships with other people. 真正能在人与人之间产生影响的技巧和技能，几乎是自然而然地源于一个真正独立的性格。因此，建立任何关系的起点在于我们自己，在于我们的影响圈，我们自己的性格。当我们变得独立——积极主动，立足于正确的原则，以价值为驱动，能够围绕生活中的优先事项进行组织和执行，并保持诚信——我们就可以选择变得相互依赖，能够与他人建立丰富、持久、高效的关系。
As we look at the terrain ahead, we see that we’re entering a whole new dimension. Interdependence opens up worlds of possibilities for deep, rich, meaningful associations, for geometrically increased productivity, for serving, for contributing, for learning, for growing. But it is also where we feel the greatest pain, the greatest frustration, the greatest roadblocks to happiness and success. And we’re very aware of that pain because it is acute. 当我们展望前方的地形时，我们看到我们正进入一个全新的维度。相互依存为深刻、丰富、有意义的关联打开了无限可能，为几何级数增加的生产力、服务、贡献、学习和成长提供了机会。但这也是我们感受到最大痛苦、最大挫折、最大幸福和成功障碍的地方。我们非常清楚这种痛苦，因为它是尖锐的。
We can often live for years with the chronic pain of our lack of vision, leadership or management in our personal lives. We feel vaguely uneasy and uncomfortable and occasionally take steps to ease the pain, at least for a time. But the pain is chronic, we get used to it, we learn to live with it. 我们常常可以在个人生活中忍受缺乏愿景、领导力或管理的慢性痛苦多年。我们感到模糊的不安和不适，偶尔采取措施来缓解痛苦，至少在一段时间内。但这种痛苦是慢性的，我们习惯了它，学会了与之共存。
But when we have problems in our interactions with other people, we’re very aware of acute pain – it’s often intense, and we want it to go away. 但当我们与他人互动时遇到问题时，我们非常清楚地感受到剧烈的痛苦——这种痛苦往往很强烈，我们希望它消失。
That’s when we try to treat the symptoms with quick fixes and techniques – the bandaids of the personality ethic. We don’t understand that the acute pain is an outgrowth of the deeper, chronic problem. And until we stop treating the symptoms and start treating the problem, our efforts will only bring counterproductive results. We will only be successful at obscuring the chronic pain even more. 这时我们试图用快速解决方案和技巧来处理症状——人格伦理的创可贴。我们不明白急性疼痛是更深层次、慢性问题的结果。直到我们停止处理症状，开始处理问题，我们的努力只会带来适得其反的结果。我们只会在掩盖慢性疼痛方面更加成功。
Now, as we think of effective interaction with others, let’s go back to our earlier definition of effectiveness. We’ve said it’s the P/PC Balance, the fundamental concept in the story of the Goose and the Golden Egg. 现在，当我们考虑与他人有效互动时，让我们回到之前对有效性的定义。我们说过，它是 P/PC 平衡，这是《鹅与金蛋》故事中的基本概念。
In an interdependent situation, the golden eggs are the effectiveness, the wonderful synergy, the results created by open communication and positive interaction with others. And to get those eggs on a regular basis, we need to take care of the goose. We need to create and care for the relationships that make those results realities. 在相互依赖的情况下，金蛋是有效性、奇妙的协同作用、通过开放沟通和与他人积极互动所创造的结果。为了定期获得这些金蛋，我们需要照顾好母鹅。我们需要建立和维护那些使这些结果成为现实的关系。
So before we descend from our point of reconnaissance and get into Habits 4, 5, and 6, I would like to introduce what I believe to be a very powerful metaphor in describing relationships and in defining the P/PC Balance in an interdependent reality. 所以在我们从侦察点下降并进入习惯 4、5 和 6 之前，我想介绍一个我认为在描述关系和定义 P/PC 平衡方面非常强大的隐喻，这在相互依存的现实中尤为重要。
The Emotional Bank Account TM 情感银行账户 TM
We all know what a financial bank account is. We make deposits into it and build up a reserve from which we can make withdrawals when we need to. An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being. 我们都知道什么是金融银行账户。我们向其中存款，并建立一个储备，以便在需要时可以提取。情感银行账户是一个比喻，描述了在关系中建立的信任量。这是你与另一个人之间的安全感。
If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you’ll get my meaning anyway. You won’t make me “an offender for a word.” When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective. 如果我通过礼貌、善良、诚实以及对你的承诺向你存入情感银行账户，我就会建立一个储备。你对我的信任会增加，如果我需要，我可以多次依靠这种信任。我甚至可以犯错误，而这种信任水平，这种情感储备，会弥补这一点。我的沟通可能不够清晰，但你仍然会理解我的意思。你不会因为一个词而让我“成为冒犯者”。当信任账户高时，沟通就变得简单、即时且有效。
But if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn. The trust level gets very low. Then what flexibility do I have? 但是如果我有表现出不礼貌、不尊重、打断你、过度反应、忽视你、变得专断、背叛你的信任、威胁你，或者在你的生活中扮演小神的习惯，最终我的情感银行账户就会透支。信任水平会变得非常低。那么我还有什么灵活性呢？
None. I’m walking on mine fields. I have to be very careful of everything I say. I measure every word. It’s tension city, memo heaven. It’s protecting my backside, politicking. And many organizations are filled with it. Many families are filled with it. Many marriages are filled with it. If a large reserve of trust is not sustained by continuing deposits, a marriage will deteriorate. Instead of rich, spontaneous understanding and communication, the situation becomes one of accommodation, where two people simply attempt to live independent life-styles in a fairly respectful and tolerant way. The relationship may further deteriorate to one of hostility and defensiveness. The “fight or flight” response creates verbal battles, slammed doors, refusal to talk, emotional withdrawal and self-pity. It may end up in a cold war at home, sustained only by children, sex, and social pressure, or image protection. Or it may end up in open warfare in the courts, where bitter egodecimating legal battles can be carried on for years as people endlessly confess the sins of a former spouse. 没有。我在地雷区行走。我必须对我说的每一句话都非常小心。我衡量每一个字。这里充满了紧张，像备忘录的天堂。这是在保护我的后方，进行政治斗争。许多组织充满了这种情况。许多家庭充满了这种情况。许多婚姻充满了这种情况。如果没有持续的信任储备，婚姻将会恶化。情况从丰富、自发的理解和沟通变成了适应，两个只是在相对尊重和宽容的方式中试图过独立生活方式的人。关系可能进一步恶化为敌意和防御。“战斗或逃跑”反应会引发口头争吵、砰关的门、拒绝交谈、情感撤退和自怜。最终可能在家中形成冷战，仅靠孩子、性和社会压力或形象保护维持。或者可能在法庭上爆发公开战争，痛苦的自我毁灭的法律斗争可能会持续多年，人们无休止地揭露前配偶的罪行。
And this is in the most intimate, the most potentially rich, joyful, satisfying and productive relationship possible between two people on this earth. The P/PC lighthouse is there; we can either break ourselves against it or we can use it as a guiding light. 而这就是在这个地球上两个人之间最亲密、最有潜力、最快乐、最令人满意和最富有成效的关系。P/PC 灯塔在那里；我们可以选择与之碰撞，或者将其作为指引之光。
Our most constant relationships, like marriage, require our most constant deposits. With continuing expectations, old deposits evaporate. If you suddenly run into an old high school friend you haven’t seen for years, you can pick up right where you left off because the earlier deposits are still there. But your accounts with the people you interact with on a regular basis require more constant investment. There are sometimes automatic withdrawals in your daily interactions or in their perception of you that you don’t even know about. This is especially true with teenagers in the home. 我们最稳定的关系，比如婚姻，需要我们最持续的投入。随着期望的持续，旧的投入会消失。如果你突然遇到一位多年未见的高中朋友，你可以毫不费力地接上之前的谈话，因为早期的投入依然存在。但你与那些定期互动的人之间的关系则需要更持续的投资。在你日常互动中，或者在他们对你的看法中，有时会有你甚至不知道的自动提款。这在家中与青少年相处时尤其如此。
Suppose you have a teenage son and your normal conversation is something like, “Clean your room. Button your shirt. Turn down the radio. Go get a haircut. And don’t forget to take out the garbage!” Over a period of time, the withdrawals far exceed the deposits. 假设你有一个青少年儿子，你们的正常对话是这样的：“整理你的房间。扣好你的衬衫。把收音机音量调低。去剪个头发。别忘了把垃圾拿出去！”经过一段时间，取款远远超过存款。
Now, suppose this son is in the process of making some important decisions that will affect the rest of his life. But the trust level is so low and the communication process so closed, mechanical, and unsatisfying that he simply will not be open to your counsel. You may have the wisdom and the knowledge to help him, but because your account is so overdrawn, he will end up making his decisions from a short-range emotional perspective, which may well result in many negative long-range consequences. 现在，假设这个儿子正在做一些将影响他余生的重要决定。但是，信任水平如此之低，沟通过程如此封闭、机械和不令人满意，以至于他根本不会接受你的建议。你可能拥有帮助他的智慧和知识，但由于你的账户已经透支，他最终会从短期情感的角度做出决定，这可能会导致许多负面的长期后果。
You need a positive balance to communicate on these tender issues. What do you do? What would happen if you started making deposits into the relationship? Maybe the opportunity comes up to do him a little kindness – to bring home a magazine on skateboarding, if that’s his interest, or just to walk up to him when he’s working on a project and offer help. Perhaps you could invite him to go to a movie with you or take him out for some ice cream. Probably the most important deposit you could make would be just to listen, without judging or preaching or reading your own autobiography into what he says. Just listen and seek to understand. Let him feel your concern for him, your acceptance of him as a person. 您需要有一个积极的余额才能在这些微妙的问题上进行沟通。您该怎么办？如果您开始在这段关系中进行投资，会发生什么？也许有机会对他做一点好事——如果他对滑板感兴趣，就带回一本滑板杂志，或者在他忙于项目时走过去提供帮助。也许您可以邀请他和您一起去看电影，或者请他吃冰淇淋。您可以做的最重要的投资可能就是倾听，不带评判、不讲道理，也不把自己的自传读入他所说的话中。只需倾听并寻求理解。让他感受到您对他的关心，接受他作为一个人。
He may not respond at first. He may even be suspicious. “What’s Dad up to now? What technique is Mom trying on me this time?” But as those genuine deposits keep coming, they begin to add up. That overdrawn balance is shrinking. 他起初可能不会回应。他甚至可能会感到怀疑。“爸爸现在在搞什么？妈妈这次又在对我使用什么技巧？”但随着那些真诚的投入不断增加，它们开始累积。那笔透支的余额正在缩小。
Remember that quick fix is a mirage. Building and repairing relationships takes time. If you become impatient with this apparent lack of response of his seeming ingratitude, you may make huge withdrawals and undo all the good you’ve done. "After all we’ve done for you, the sacrifices we’ve made, how can you be so ungrateful? We try to be nice and you act like this. I can’t believe it! 请记住，快速解决方案只是海市蜃楼。建立和修复关系需要时间。如果你对他表面上的不回应和似乎的忘恩负义感到不耐烦，你可能会做出巨大的撤回， undo 你所做的一切好事。“毕竟我们为你做了这么多，做出了这么多牺牲，你怎么能这么不知感恩？我们努力对你好，而你却这样表现。我真不敢相信！”
It’s hard not to get impatient. It takes character to be proactive, to focus on your Circle of Influence, to nurture growing things, and not to “pull up the flowers to see how the roots are coming.” But there really is no quick fix. Building and repairing relationships are long-term investments. 很难不感到不耐烦。要积极主动，专注于你的影响圈，培养成长的事物，而不是“拔起花朵看看根部长得怎么样”，需要品格。但确实没有快速的解决办法。建立和修复关系是长期的投资。
Six Major Deposits 六大矿床
Let me suggest six major deposits that build the Emotional Bank Account 让我建议六个主要的存款，以建立情感银行账户
Understanding the Individual 理解个体
Really seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make, and it is the key to every other deposit. You simply don’t know what constitutes a deposit to another person until you understand that individual. What might be a deposit for you – going for a walk to talk things over, going out for ice cream together, working on a common project – might not be perceived by someone else as a deposit at all. It might even be perceived as a withdrawal, if it doesn’t touch the person’s deep interests or needs. 真正寻求理解另一个人可能是你能做出的最重要的投入之一，而这也是其他所有投入的关键。你根本不知道对另一个人来说什么构成了投入，直到你理解了这个个体。对你来说可能是投入的事情——一起散步谈心、一起出去吃冰淇淋、共同完成一个项目——在其他人看来可能根本不被视为投入。如果这些事情没有触及到对方的深层兴趣或需求，甚至可能被视为一种取走。
One person’s mission is another person’s minutia. To make a deposit, what is important to another person must be as important to you as the other person is to you. You may be working on a high priority project when your six-year-old child interrupts with something that seems trivial to you, but it may be very important from his point of view. It takes Habit 2 to recognize and recommit yourself to the value of that person and Habit 3 to subordinate your schedule to that human priority. By accepting the value he places on what he has to say, you show an understanding of him that makes a great deposit. 一个人的使命是另一个人的琐事。要进行存款，另一个人认为重要的事情对你来说也必须同样重要，就像那个对你重要的人一样。当你在处理一个高优先级的项目时，你六岁的孩子打断你，提出一些对你来说似乎微不足道的事情，但从他的角度来看，这可能非常重要。需要习惯二来认识并重新承诺自己对那个人的价值，习惯三则是将你的日程安排服从于这个人类优先事项。通过接受他对自己所说内容的重视，你展现了对他的理解，这会带来很大的存款。
I have a friend whose son developed an avid interest in baseball. My friend wasn’t interested in baseball at all. But one summer, he took his son to see every major league team play one game. The trip took over six weeks and cost a great deal of money, but it became a powerful bonding experience in their relationship. 我有一个朋友，他的儿子对棒球产生了浓厚的兴趣。我的朋友对棒球一点兴趣都没有。但有一个夏天，他带着儿子去看每个大联盟球队的比赛。这个旅行花了超过六周的时间，花费了很多钱，但这成为了他们关系中一个强有力的联结体验。
My friend was asked on his return, “Do you like baseball that much?” 我朋友在回来的时候被问：“你那么喜欢棒球吗？”
“No,” he replied, “but I like my son that much.” “没有，”他回答，“但我那么喜欢我的儿子。”
I have another friend, a college professor, who had a terrible relationship with his teenage son. This man’s entire life was essentially academic, and he felt his son was totally wasting his life by working with this hands instead of working to develop his mind. As a result, he was almost constantly on the boy’s back, and, in moments of regret, he would try to make deposits that just didn’t work. The boy perceived the gestures as new forms of rejection, comparison, and judgment, and they precipitated huge withdrawals. The relationship was turning sour, and it was breaking the father’s heart. 我有另一个朋友，一位大学教授，他与他的青少年儿子的关系非常糟糕。这个人的整个生活基本上都是学术的，他觉得他的儿子通过动手工作完全在浪费生命，而不是努力发展自己的思维。因此，他几乎总是对男孩指手画脚，在后悔的时刻，他会试图做出一些努力，但这些努力并没有奏效。男孩将这些举动视为新的拒绝、比较和评判，导致了巨大的情感撤回。关系变得恶化，这让父亲心碎。
One day I shared with him this principle of making what is important to the other person as important to you as the other person is to you. He took it deeply to heart. He engaged his son in a project to build a miniature Wall of China around their home. It was a consuming project, and they worked side by side on it for over a year and a half. 有一天，我和他分享了这个原则：让对方重要的事情对你来说也同样重要，就像对方对你一样重要。他深深地记在心里。他让他的儿子参与一个项目，围绕他们的家建造一个微型长城。这是一个耗费心力的项目，他们并肩工作了超过一年半。
Through that bonding experience, the son moved through that phase in his life and into an increased desire to develop his mind. But the real benefit was what happened to the relationship. Instead of a sore spot, it became a source of joy and strength to both father and son. 通过那次亲密的经历，儿子度过了他生命中的那个阶段，并增强了发展自己思维的渴望。但真正的好处在于关系的变化。它不再是一个痛点，而是成为了父亲和儿子双方的快乐和力量源泉。
Our tendency is to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need. We project our intentions on the behavior of others. We interpret what constitutes a deposit based on our own needs and desires, either now or when we were at a similar age or stage in life. If they don’t interpret our effort as a deposit, our tendency is to take it as a rejection of our well-intentioned effort and give up. 我们的倾向是根据自己的自传来推测其他人想要或需要什么。我们将自己的意图投射到他人的行为上。我们根据自己的需求和欲望来解释什么构成了存款，无论是现在还是在我们处于类似年龄或生活阶段时。如果他们没有将我们的努力解读为存款，我们的倾向是将其视为对我们良好意图努力的拒绝，并选择放弃。
The Golden Rule says to “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” While on the surface that could mean to do for them what you would like to have done for you, I think the more essential meaning is to understand them deeply as individuals, the way you would want to be understood, and then to treat them in terms of that understanding. As one successful parent said about raising children, “Treat them all the same by treating them differently.” 黄金法则说“要对待他人如同你希望他人对待你。”表面上看，这可能意味着为他们做你希望为自己做的事情，但我认为更本质的意思是要深入理解他们作为个体，就像你希望被理解一样，然后根据这种理解来对待他们。正如一位成功的父母在养育孩子时所说的：“通过不同的方式对待他们，使他们都得到相同的对待。”
Attending to the Little Things 关注小事
The little kindnesses and courtesies are so important. Small discourtesies, little unkindnesses, little forms of disrespect make large withdrawals. In relationships, the little things are the big things. I remember an evening I spent with two of my sons some years ago. It was an organized father-and-son outing, complete with gymnastics, wrestling matches, hot dogs, orangeade, and a movie – the works. 小小的善意和礼貌是如此重要。小小的失礼、小小的不友好、小小的无礼行为会造成很大的损失。在人际关系中，小事就是大事。我记得几年前我和我的两个儿子共度的一个晚上。那是一次组织好的父子活动，包含了体操、摔跤比赛、热狗、橙汁和一部电影——一应俱全。
In the middle of the movie, Sean, who was then four years old, fell asleep in his seat. His older brother, Stephen, who was six, stayed awake, and we watched the rest of the movie together. When it was over, I picked Sean up in my arms, carried him out to the car and laid him in the back seat. It was very cold that night, so I took off my coat and gently arranged it over and around him. 在电影中间，四岁的肖恩在座位上睡着了。他六岁的哥哥斯蒂芬保持清醒，我们一起看完了电影。当电影结束时，我把肖恩抱起来，带他到车里，把他放在后座。那天晚上非常冷，所以我脱下外套，轻轻地把它盖在他身上。
When we arrived home, I quickly carried Sean in and tucked him into bed. After Stephen put on his “jammies” and brushed his teeth, I lay down next to him to talk about the night out together. 当我们到家时，我迅速把肖恩抱进来，给他盖好被子。在斯蒂芬穿上他的“睡衣”并刷完牙后，我躺在他旁边，聊聊我们一起度过的夜晚。
“How’d you like it, Stephen?” “你觉得怎么样，斯蒂芬？”
“Fine,” he answere" “好吧，”他回答
“Did you have fun?” “你玩得开心吗？”
“Yes.” “是的。”
“What did you like most?” “你最喜欢什么？”
“I don’t know. The trampoline, I guess.” “我不知道。大概是蹦床。”
“That was quite a thing, wasn’t it – doing those somersaults and tricks in the air like that?” “那真是件了不起的事，不是吗——在空中做那些翻滚和特技？”
There wasn’t much response on his part. I found myself making conversation. I wondered why Stephen wouldn’t open up more. He usually did when exciting things happened. I was a little disappointed. I sensed something was wrong; he had been so quiet on the way home and getting ready for bed. 他没有太多反应。我发现自己在主动交谈。我想知道为什么斯蒂芬不愿意多说话。通常在发生令人兴奋的事情时，他会这样。我有点失望。我感觉有什么不对劲；他在回家的路上和准备上床时都很安静。
Suddenly Stephen turned over on his side, facing the wall. I wondered why and lifted myself up just enough to see his eyes welling up with tears. 突然，斯蒂芬侧身面向墙壁。我想知道为什么，稍微抬起身子，看到他的眼中充满了泪水。
He turned back, and I could sense he was feeling some embarrassment for the tears and his quivering lips and chin 他转过身，我能感觉到他因为眼泪和颤抖的嘴唇和下巴感到有些尴尬
“Daddy, if I were cold, would you put your coat around me too?” “爸爸，如果我冷的话，你会把你的外套也给我披上吗？”
Of all the events of that special night out together, the most important was a little act of kindness – a momentary, unconscious showing of love to his little brother. 在那个特别的夜晚一起度过的所有事件中，最重要的是一个小小的善举——对他的小弟弟瞬间、无意识地表达的爱。
What a powerful, personal lesson that experience was to me then and is even now. People are very tender, very sensitive inside. I don’t believe age or experience makes much difference. Inside, even within the most toughened and calloused exteriors, are the tender feelings and emotions of the heart. 那段经历对我来说是多么强烈而个人的教训，至今仍然如此。人们内心非常温柔，非常敏感。我不相信年龄或经验会有太大区别。在内心深处，即使是在最坚硬和粗糙的外表下，依然有着温柔的感情和情绪。
Keeping Commitments 保持承诺
Keeping a commitment or a promise is a major deposit; breaking one is a major withdrawal. In fact, there’s probably not a more massive withdrawal than to make a promise that’s important to someone and then not to come through. The next time a promise is made, they won’t believe it. People tend to build their hopes around promises, particularly promises about their basic livelihood. 履行承诺或诺言是一项重要的存款；违背承诺则是一项重大取款。事实上，可能没有比对某人做出重要承诺后又不兑现更大的取款了。下次再做承诺时，他们将不会相信。人们往往围绕承诺建立他们的希望，特别是关于他们基本生计的承诺。
I’ve tried to adopt a philosophy as a parent never to make a promise I don’t keep. I therefore try to make them very carefully, very sparingly, and to be aware of as many variables and contingencies as possible so that something doesn’t suddenly come up to keep me from fulfilling it. 我尝试作为父母 adopt 一种哲学，永远不做我无法兑现的承诺。因此，我尽量非常谨慎、非常节制地做出承诺，并尽可能意识到尽可能多的变量和意外情况，以免突然出现什么事情妨碍我履行承诺。
Occasionally, despite all my effort, the unexpected does come up, creating a situation where it would be unwise or impossible to keep a promise I’ve made. But I value that promise. I either keep it anyway, or explain the situation thoroughly to the person involved and ask to be released from the promise. 有时，尽管我付出了所有努力，意外情况还是会出现，造成一个不明智或不可能履行我所做承诺的局面。但我重视这个承诺。我要么还是履行它，要么向相关人员详细解释情况，并请求解除这个承诺。
I believe that if you cultivate the habit of always keeping the promises you make, you build bridges of trust that span the gaps of understanding between you and your child. Then, when your child wants to do something you don’t want him to do, and out of your maturity you can see consequences that the child cannot see, you can say, “Son, if you do this, I promise you that this will be the result.” If that child has cultivated trust in your word, in your promises, he will act on your counsel. 我相信，如果你养成始终遵守承诺的习惯，你就会建立起信任的桥梁，弥合你和孩子之间的理解鸿沟。然后，当你的孩子想做一些你不希望他做的事情时，出于你的成熟，你能看到孩子看不到的后果，你可以说：“儿子，如果你这样做，我向你保证，这将是结果。”如果那个孩子对你的话、对你的承诺建立了信任，他会听从你的建议。
Clarifying Expectations 澄清期望
Imagine the difficulty you might encounter if you and your boss had different assumptions regarding whose role it was to create your job description. 想象一下，如果你和你的老板对谁负责创建你的职位描述有不同的假设，你可能会遇到的困难。
“When am I going to get my job description?” you might ask. “我什么时候能拿到我的职位描述？”你可能会问。
“I’ve been waiting for you to bring one to me so that we could discuss it,” your boss might reply. “我一直在等你把一个带给我，这样我们就可以讨论它，”你的老板可能会回复。
“I thought defining my job was your role.” “我以为定义我的工作是你的角色。”
“That’s not my role at all. Don’t you remember? Right from the first, I said that how you do in the job largely depends on you.” “这根本不是我的角色。你不记得了吗？从一开始，我就说过你在工作中的表现很大程度上取决于你自己。”
“I thought you meant that the quality of my job depended on me. But I don’t even know what my job really is.” “我以为你的意思是我的工作质量取决于我。但我甚至不知道我的工作到底是什么。”
“I did exactly what you asked me to do and here is the report.” “我完全按照你让我做的去做了，这里是报告。”
“I don’t want a report. The goals was to solve the problem – not to analyze it and report on it.” “我不想要报告。目标是解决问题——而不是分析它并报告。”
“I thought the goal was to get a handle on the problem so we could delegate it to someone else.” “我以为目标是掌握这个问题，以便我们可以将其委托给其他人。”
How many times have we had these kinds of conversations? 我们进行过多少次这样的对话？
“You said…” “你说过……”
“No, you’re wrong! I said…” “不，你错了！我说……”
“You did not! You never said I was supposed to…” “你没有！你从来没有说过我应该……”
“Oh, yes I did! I clearly said…” “哦，是的，我确实说过！我明确说过……”
“You never even mentioned…” “你甚至从未提到过……”
“But that was our agreement…” “但那是我们的协议……”
The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals. Whether we are dealing with the question of who does what at work, how you communicate with your daughter when you tell her to clean her room, or who feeds the fish and takes out the garbage, we can be certain that unclear expectations will lead to misunderstanding, disappointment, and withdrawals of trust. 几乎所有关系困难的原因都根植于对角色和目标的冲突或模糊期望。无论我们是在处理工作中谁做什么的问题，还是在告诉女儿打扫房间时如何与她沟通，或者谁喂鱼和倒垃圾，我们都可以确定，不明确的期望会导致误解、失望和信任的撤回。
Many expectations are implicit. They haven’t been explicitly stated or announced, but people nevertheless bring them to a particular situation. In marriage, for example, a man and a woman have implicit expectations of each other in their marriage roles. Although these expectations have not been discussed, or sometimes even recognized by the person who has them, fulfilling them makes great deposits in the relationship and violating them makes withdrawals. 许多期望是隐含的。它们没有被明确陈述或宣布，但人们仍然会将它们带入特定的情境中。例如，在婚姻中，男人和女人在婚姻角色中对彼此有隐含的期望。尽管这些期望没有被讨论，或者有时甚至没有被拥有它的人所意识到，但满足这些期望会在关系中做出很大的存款，而违反它们则会造成取款。
That’s why it’s so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table. People will begin to judge each other through those expectations. And if they feel like their basic expectations have been violated, the reserve of trust is diminished. We create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are self-evident and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people. 这就是为什么在进入新环境时，明确所有期望是如此重要。人们会通过这些期望来相互评判。如果他们觉得自己的基本期望被侵犯，信任的储备就会减少。我们通过简单地假设我们的期望是不言而喻的，并且被其他人清楚理解和共享，创造了许多负面情况。
The deposit is to make the expectations clear and explicit in the beginning. This takes a real investment of time and effort up front, but it saves great amounts of time and effort down the road. When expectations are not clear and shared, people begin to become emotionally involved and simple misunderstandings become compounded, turning into personality clashes and communication breakdowns. 押金是为了在一开始明确和清晰地表达期望。这需要在前期投入大量的时间和精力，但可以在后期节省大量的时间和精力。当期望不明确且没有共享时，人们开始情感上卷入其中，简单的误解会加剧，演变成个性冲突和沟通障碍。
Clarifying expectations sometimes takes a great deal of courage. It seems easier to act as though differences don’t exist and to hope things will work out than it is to face the differences and work together to arrive at a mutually agreeable set of expectations. 澄清期望有时需要很大的勇气。似乎假装差异不存在并希望事情会好转比面对差异并共同努力达成双方都能接受的期望要容易得多。
Showing Personal Integrity 展示个人诚信
Personal integrity generates trust and is the basis of many different kinds of deposits. 个人诚信产生信任，是多种不同类型存款的基础。
Lack of integrity can undermine almost any other effort to create high trust accounts. People can seek to understand, remember the little things, keep their promises, clarify and fulfill expectations, and still fail to build reserves of trust if they are inwardly duplicitous. 缺乏诚信几乎可以破坏任何其他建立高信任账户的努力。人们可以努力理解、记住小事、遵守承诺、澄清并满足期望，但如果他们内心虚伪，仍然无法建立信任储备。
Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty. Honesty is telling the truth – in other words, conforming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words – in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. This requires an integrated character, a oneness, primarily with self but also with life. 诚信不仅仅包括诚实。诚实是说真话——换句话说，就是使我们的言辞与现实相符。诚信是使现实与我们的言辞相符——换句话说，就是遵守承诺和履行期望。这需要一个统一的品格，与自我以及生活的统一。
One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present. When you defend those who are absent, you retain the trust of those present. 表现诚信最重要的方式之一就是对那些不在场的人保持忠诚。这样做时，我们建立了在场者的信任。当你为缺席者辩护时，你保留了在场者的信任。
Suppose you and I were talking alone, and we were criticizing our supervisor in a way that we would not dare to if he were present. Now what will happen when you and I have a falling out? You know I’m going to be discussing your weaknesses with someone else. That’s what you and I did behind our supervisor’s back. You know my nature. I’ll sweet-talk you to your face and bad-mouth you behind your back. You’ve seen me do it. 假设你我单独在谈话，我们在批评我们的主管，而这种批评在他在场时我们是不会敢说的。那么当你我发生争执时会发生什么？你知道我会和别人讨论你的弱点。这就是你我在主管背后所做的。你知道我的性格。我会当面对你甜言蜜语，背后却说你的坏话。你见过我这样做。
That’s the essence of duplicity. Does that build a reserve of trust in my account with you. 这就是虚伪的本质。这是否在我与你的关系中建立了信任的储备。
On the other hand, suppose you were to start criticizing our supervisor and I basically told you I agree with the content of some of the criticism and suggest that the two of us go directly to him and make an effective presentation of how things might be improved. Then what would you know I would do if someone were to criticize you to me behind your back? 另一方面，假设你开始批评我们的主管，而我基本上告诉你我同意一些批评的内容，并建议我们两个人直接去找他，有效地展示事情如何改善。那么，如果有人在你背后批评你，你知道我会怎么做吗？
For another example, suppose in my effort to build a relationship with you, I told you something someone else had shared with me in confidence. “I really shouldn’t tell you this,” I might say, “but since you’re my friend…” Would my betraying another person build my trust account with you? Or would you wonder if the things you had told me in confidence were being shared with others? 另一个例子是，假设在我努力与你建立关系的过程中，我告诉你一些别人曾经私下与我分享的事情。“我真的不应该告诉你这个，”我可能会说，“但既然你是我的朋友……”我背叛另一个人会增加我在你心中的信任吗？还是你会怀疑你私下告诉我的事情是否也被分享给了其他人？
Such duplicity might appear to be making a deposit with the person you’re with, but it is actually a withdrawal because you communicate your own lack of integrity. You may get the golden egg of temporary pleasure from putting someone down or sharing privileged information, but you’re strangling the goose, weakening the relationship that provides enduring pleasure in association. 这种双重性可能看起来像是在与您在一起的人进行存款，但实际上却是提款，因为您传达了自己缺乏诚信。您可能会因为贬低某人或分享特权信息而获得短暂的快乐，但您却在扼杀那只鹅，削弱了提供持久愉悦的关系。
Integrity in an interdependent reality is simply this: you treat everyone by the same set of principles. As you do, people will come to trust you. They may not at first appreciate the honest confrontational experiences such integrity might generate. Confrontation takes considerable courage, and many people would prefer to take the course of least resistance, belittling and criticizing, betraying confidences, or participating in gossip about others behind their backs. But in the long run, people will trust and respect you if 在相互依存的现实中，诚信就是这样：你以同一套原则对待每个人。当你这样做时，人们会开始信任你。他们可能一开始并不欣赏这种诚信所带来的诚实对抗经历。对抗需要相当大的勇气，许多人更愿意选择最小阻力的道路，贬低和批评，背叛信任，或在别人背后参与八卦。但从长远来看，如果
you are honest and open and kind with them. You care enough to confront. And to be trusted, it is said, is greater than to be loved. In the long run, I am convinced, to be trusted will be also mean to be loved. 你对他们诚实、开放和善良。你关心到足以去面对。有人说，被信任比被爱更重要。从长远来看，我相信，被信任也意味着被爱。
When my son Joshua was quite young, he would frequently ask me a soul-searching question. Whenever I overreacted to someone else or was the least bit impatient or unkind, he was so vulnerable and so honest and our relationship was so good that he would simply look me in the eye and say, “Dad, do you love me?” If he thought I was breaking a basic principle of life toward someone else, he wondered if I wouldn’t break it with him. 当我的儿子约书亚还很小的时候，他经常问我一个发人深省的问题。每当我对别人反应过度，或者稍微不耐烦或不友善时，他就会显得非常脆弱，非常诚实，而我们的关系也很好，他会直视我的眼睛说：“爸爸，你爱我吗？”如果他觉得我在对待别人时违反了生活的基本原则，他就会担心我是否也会对他这样。
As a teacher, as well as a parent, I have found that the key to the ninety-nine is the one -particularly the one that is testing the patience and the good humor of the many. It is the love and the discipline of the one student, the one child, that communicates love for the others. It’s how you treat the one that reveals how you regard the ninety-nine, because everyone is ultimately a one. 作为一名教师和家长，我发现关键在于那一个——特别是那个正在考验许多人的耐心和幽默感的一个。正是那一个学生、那一个孩子的爱与纪律，传达了对其他人的爱。你如何对待那一个，揭示了你如何看待那九十九，因为每个人最终都是一个。
Integrity also means avoiding any communication that is deceptive, full of guile, or beneath the dignity of people. “A lie is any communication with intent to deceive,” according to one definition of the word. Whether we communicate with words or behavior, if we have integrity, our intent cannot be to deceive. 诚信还意味着避免任何具有欺骗性、狡诈或低于人类尊严的沟通。根据对这个词的一个定义，“谎言是任何有意图欺骗的沟通。”无论我们是用语言还是行为进行沟通，如果我们有诚信，我们的意图就不能是欺骗。
Apologizing Sincerely When You Make a Withdrawal 真诚道歉当你进行提款时
When we make withdrawals from the Emotional Bank Account, we need to apologize and we need to do it sincerely. Great deposits come in the sincere words 当我们从情感银行账户中提取时，我们需要道歉，并且需要真诚地道歉。伟大的存款来自真诚的话语。
“I was wrong.” “我错了。”
“That was unkind of me.” “我那样做是不友善的。”
“I showed you no respect.” “我对你没有任何尊重。”
“I gave you no dignity, and I’m deeply sorry.” “我没有给你尊严，我深感抱歉。”
“I embarrassed you in front of your friends and I had no call to do that. Even though I wanted to make a point, I never should have done it. I apologize.” “我在你朋友面前让你感到尴尬，我没有理由这样做。尽管我想表达一个观点，但我不应该这样做。我为此道歉。”
It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one’s heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize. 要真心实意地道歉，而不是出于同情，需要很大的性格力量。一个人必须自我掌控，并对基本原则和价值观有深刻的安全感，才能真诚地道歉。
People with little internal security can’t do it. It makes them too vulnerable. They feel it makes them appear soft and weak, and they fear that others will take advantage of their weakness. Their security is based on the opinions of other people, and they worry about what others might think. In addition, they usually feel justified in what they did. They rationalize their own wrong in the name of the other person’s wrong, and if they apologize at all, it’s superficial. 缺乏内心安全感的人无法做到这一点。这使他们变得过于脆弱。他们觉得这让他们显得软弱无力，并且害怕别人会利用他们的弱点。他们的安全感建立在他人的看法之上，担心别人可能会怎么想。此外，他们通常觉得自己所做的事情是正当的。他们以他人的错误为借口来合理化自己的错误，如果他们道歉的话，那也是表面的。
“If you’re going to bow, bow low,” say Eastern wisdom. “Pay the uttermost farthing,” says the Christian ethic. To be a deposit, an apology must be sincere. And it must be perceived as sincere. “如果你要鞠躬，就要鞠得低，”东方智慧说。“付出全部的分文，”基督教伦理说。作为一种存款，道歉必须是真诚的。而且它必须被视为真诚的。
Leo Roskin taught, "It is the weak who are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong. I was in my office at home one afternoon writing, of all things, on the subject of patience. I could hear the boys running up and down the hall making loud banging noises, and I could feel my own patience beginning to wane. 利奥·罗斯金曾说：“残忍来自于弱者。温柔只能期待来自强者。”某天下午，我在家里的办公室里写作，写的竟然是关于耐心的主题。我能听到男孩们在走廊上跑来跑去，发出很大的撞击声，我能感觉到自己的耐心开始减弱。
Suddenly, my son David started pounding on the bathroom door, yelling at the top of his lungs, “Let me in! Let me in!” 突然，我的儿子大卫开始猛敲浴室的门，拼命喊道：“让我进！让我进！”
I rushed out of the office and spoke to him with great intensity. “David, do you have any idea how disturbing that is to me? Do you know how hard it is to try to concentrate and write creatively? Now you go into your room and stay in there until you can behave yourself.” So in he went, dejected, and shut the door. 我冲出办公室，激动地对他说：“大卫，你知道这对我有多么令人不安吗？你知道集中精力和创作有多难吗？现在你回到你的房间，待在里面，直到你能表现得体。”于是他沮丧地走了进去，关上了门。
As I turned around, I became aware of another problem. The boys had been playing tackle football in the four-foot-wide hallway, and one of them had been elbowed in the mouth. He was lying there in the hall, bleeding from the mouth. David, I discovered, had gone to the bathroom to get a wet towel for him. But his sister, Maria, who was taking a shower, wouldn’t open the door. 当我转过身时，我意识到另一个问题。男孩们在四英尺宽的走廊里玩橄榄球，其中一个被肘击到了嘴巴。他躺在走廊里，嘴里流着血。我发现大卫去洗手间拿湿毛巾给他。但他的妹妹玛丽亚正在洗澡，不愿意开门。
When I realized that I had completely misinterpreted the situation and had overreacted, I immediately went in to apologize to David. 当我意识到我完全误解了情况并且反应过度时，我立刻进去向大卫道歉。
As I opened the door, the first thing he said to me was, “I won’t forgive you.” 当我打开门时，他对我说的第一句话是：“我不会原谅你。”
“Well, why not, honey?” I replied. “Honestly, I didn’t realize you were trying to help your brother. Why won’t you forgive me?” “好吧，亲爱的，为什么不呢？”我回答说。“老实说，我没意识到你是在试图帮助你的兄弟。你为什么不原谅我？”
“Because you did the same thing last week,” he replied. In other words, he was saying. “Dad, you’re overdrawn, and you’re not going to talk your way out of a problem you behaved yourself into.” “因为你上周也做了同样的事情，”他回答道。换句话说，他在说：“爸爸，你的账户透支了，你无法通过言辞摆脱你自己造成的问题。”
Sincere apologies make deposits; repeated apologies interpreted as insincere make withdrawals. And the quality of the relationship reflects it. 真诚的道歉会增加信任；重复的道歉被解读为不真诚则会减少信任。而关系的质量也反映了这一点。
It is one thing to make a mistake, and quite another thing not to admit it. People will forgive mistakes, because mistakes are usually of the mind, mistakes of judgment. But people will not easily forgive the mistakes of the heart, the ill intention, the bad motives, the prideful justifying cover-up of the first mistake. 犯错是一回事，而不承认错误则是另一回事。人们会原谅错误，因为错误通常是出于思维，判断上的失误。但人们不会轻易原谅内心的错误，恶意、不良动机，以及对第一次错误的自以为是的掩盖。
The Laws of Love and the Laws of Life 爱的法则与生活的法则
When we make deposits of unconditional love, when we live the primary laws of love, we encourage others to live the primary laws of life. In other words, when we truly love others without condition, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity. Their natural growth process is encouraged. We make it easier for them to live the laws of life -cooperation, contribution, self-discipline, integrity – and to discover and live true to the highest and best within them. We give them the freedom to act on their own inner imperatives rather than react to our conditions and limitations. This does not mean we become permissive or soft. That itself is a massive withdrawal. We counsel, we plead, we set limits and consequences. But we love, regardless. 当我们投入无条件的爱时，当我们遵循爱的基本法则时，我们鼓励他人遵循生活的基本法则。换句话说，当我们真正无条件地爱他人时，没有任何附加条件，我们帮助他们感到安全、被认可和确认他们的本质价值、身份和完整性。他们的自然成长过程得到了鼓励。我们让他们更容易遵循生活的法则——合作、贡献、自律、诚信——并发现和忠于他们内心最崇高和最好的部分。我们给予他们根据自己内心的驱动行动的自由，而不是对我们的条件和限制做出反应。这并不意味着我们变得宽容或软弱。那本身就是一种巨大的撤回。我们提供建议，我们恳求，我们设定界限和后果。但我们依然爱他们。
When we violate the primary laws of love – when we attach strings and conditions to that gift – we actually encourage others to violate the primary laws of life. We put them in a reactive, defensive position where they feel they have to prove “I matter as a person, independent of you.” 当我们违反爱的基本法则时——当我们对那份礼物附加条件和限制时——我们实际上是在鼓励他人违反生命的基本法则。我们让他们处于一种反应性和防御性的状态，让他们觉得必须证明“我作为一个人是重要的，独立于你之外。”
In reality, they aren’t independent. They are counter-dependent, which is another form of dependency and is at the lowest end of the Maturity Continuum. They become reactive, almost enemy-centered, more concerned about defending their “rights” and producing evidence of their individuality than they are about proactively listening to and honoring their own inner imperatives. 实际上，他们并不独立。他们是相互依赖的，这是一种依赖的另一种形式，处于成熟度连续体的最低端。他们变得反应性，几乎以敌人为中心，更关心捍卫自己的“权利”和提供个体性的证据，而不是主动倾听和尊重自己内心的要求。
Rebellion is a knot of the heart, not of the mind. The key is to make deposits – constant deposits of unconditional love. I once had a friend who was dean of a very prestigious school. He planned and saved for years to provide his son the opportunity to attend that institution, but when the time came, the boy refused to go. 叛逆是心灵的纠结，而非思想的纠结。关键在于不断地投入——无条件爱的持续投入。我曾经有一个朋友，他是一个非常著名学校的院长。他计划并储蓄了多年，以便给他的儿子提供机会去那所学校，但当时机来临时，那个男孩拒绝去。
This deeply concerned his father. Graduating from that particular school would have been a great asset to the boy. Besides, it was a family tradition. Three generations of attendance preceded the boy. The father pleaded and urged and talked. He also tried to listen to the boy to understand him, all the while hoping that the son would change his mind. 这让他的父亲深感担忧。毕业于那所特定的学校对这个男孩来说将是一个巨大的资产。此外，这也是一个家族传统。男孩的前面有三代人曾在那所学校就读。父亲恳求、催促并交谈。他还试图倾听男孩，以理解他，同时希望儿子能改变主意。
The subtle message being communicated was one of conditional love. The son felt that in a sense the father’s desire for him to attend the school outweighed the value he placed on him as a person and as a son, which was terribly threatening. Consequently, he fought for and with his own identity and integrity, and he increased his resolve and his efforts to rationalize his decision not to go. 传达的微妙信息是有条件的爱。儿子感到，在某种意义上，父亲希望他上学的愿望超过了他作为一个人和儿子的价值，这让他感到非常威胁。因此，他为自己的身份和尊严而斗争，并增强了他的决心和努力，以合理化他不去的决定。
After some intense soul-searching, the father decided to make a sacrifice – to renounce conditional love. He knew that his son might choose differently than he had wished; nevertheless, he and his wife resolved to love their son unconditionally, regardless of his choice. It was an extremely difficult thing to do because the value of his educational experience was so close to their hearts and because it was something they had planned and worked for since his birth. 经过一番深刻的自我反思，父亲决定做出一个牺牲——放弃有条件的爱。他知道他的儿子可能会做出与他所希望的不同的选择；然而，他和妻子决心无条件地爱他们的儿子，无论他的选择是什么。这是一件极其困难的事情，因为他教育经历的价值对他们来说是如此重要，而且这是他们自儿子出生以来一直计划和努力的事情。
The father and mother went through a very difficult rescripting process, struggling to really understand the nature of unconditional love. They communicated to the boy what they were doing and why, and told him that they had come to the point at which they could say in all honesty that his decision would not affect their complete feeling of unconditional love toward him. They didn’t do this to manipulate him, to try to get him to “shape up.” They did it as the logical extension of their growth and character. 父亲和母亲经历了一个非常困难的重塑过程，努力真正理解无条件爱的本质。他们向男孩传达了他们正在做什么以及为什么这样做，并告诉他，他们已经达到了可以坦诚地说他的决定不会影响他们对他的完全无条件爱的地步。他们这样做并不是为了操控他，试图让他“改正”。他们这样做是他们成长和品格的逻辑延伸。
The boy didn’t give much of a response at the time, but his parents had such a paradigm of unconditional love at that point that it would have made no difference in their feelings for him. About a week later, he told his parents that he had decided not to go. They were perfectly prepared for his response and continued to show unconditional love for him. Everything was settled and life went along normally. 那个男孩当时没有给出太多回应，但他的父母在那时有着无条件爱的典范，这对他们对他的感情没有任何影响。大约一周后，他告诉父母他决定不去。他们完全准备好接受他的回应，并继续对他表现出无条件的爱。一切都已解决，生活照常进行。
A short time later, an interesting thing happened. Now that the boy no longer felt he had to defend his position, he searched within himself more deeply and found that he really did want to have this educational experience. He applied for admission, and then he told his father, who again showed unconditional love by fully accepting his son’s decision. My 不久之后，发生了一件有趣的事情。现在这个男孩不再觉得自己必须捍卫自己的立场，他更深入地探索了自己，发现他确实想要拥有这个教育经历。他申请了入学，然后告诉了他的父亲，父亲再次表现出无条件的爱，完全接受了儿子的决定。我的
friend was happy, but not excessively so, because he had truly learned to love without condition. 朋友很快乐，但并不过分，因为他真的学会了无条件地去爱。
Dag Hammarskjold, past Secretary-General of the United Nations, once made a profound, far-reaching statement: “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.” 联合国前秘书长达格·哈马舍尔德曾做出深刻而深远的声明：“完全奉献给一个人比为大众的救赎而勤奋工作更为高尚。”
I take that to mean that I could devote eight, ten, or twelve hours a day, five, six, or seven days a week to the thousands of people and projects “out there” and still not have a deep, meaningful relationship with my own spouse, with my own teenage son, with my closest working associate. And it would take more nobility of character – more humility, courage, and strength – to rebuild that one relationship than it would to continue putting in all those hours for all those people and causes. 我理解这意味着我可以每天花八、十或十二个小时，每周五、六或七天，投入到“外面”的成千上万的人和项目中，仍然无法与我的配偶、我的青少年儿子以及我最亲密的工作伙伴建立深厚而有意义的关系。重建那段关系所需的品德高尚——更多的谦逊、勇气和力量——将比继续为所有那些人和事业投入所有这些时间更为重要。
In 25 years of consulting with organizations, I have been impressed over and over again by the power of that statement. Many of the problems in organizations stem from relationship difficulties at the very top – between two partners in a company, between the president and an executive vice-president. It truly takes more nobility of character to confront and resolve those issues than it does to continue to diligently work for the many projects and people “out there.” 在 25 年的咨询工作中，我一次又一次地对这句话的力量感到印象深刻。许多组织中的问题源于最高层的关系困难——在公司的两个合伙人之间，在总裁和执行副总裁之间。面对和解决这些问题确实需要更多的品德，而不是继续努力为“外面”的许多项目和人工作。
When I first came across Hammarskjold’s statement, I was working in an organization where there were unclear expectations between the individual who was my right-hand man and myself. I simply did not have the courage to confront our differences regarding role and goal expectations and values, particularly in our methods of administration. So I worked for a number of months in a compromise mode to avoid what might turn out to be an ugly confrontation. All the while, bad feelings were developing inside both of us. 当我第一次看到哈马舍尔德的声明时，我正在一个组织工作，在那里我和我的得力助手之间的期望不明确。我根本没有勇气面对我们在角色、目标期望和价值观方面的差异，特别是在我们的管理方法上。因此，我在妥协的模式下工作了几个月，以避免可能变成丑陋对抗的局面。在此期间，我们两人内心都产生了不好的情绪。
After reading that it is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses, I was deeply affected by the idea of rebuilding that relationship. 在读到将自己完全奉献给一个人比为大众的救赎而勤奋工作更高尚时，我深受重建那段关系的想法所触动。
I had to steel myself for what lay ahead, because I knew it would be hard to really get the issues out and to achieve a deep, common understanding and commitment. I remember actually shaking in anticipation of the visit. He seemed like such a hard man, so set in his own ways and so right in his own eyes; yet I needed his strengths and abilities. I was afraid a confrontation might jeopardize the relationship and result in my losing those strengths. 我不得不为即将到来的事情做好心理准备，因为我知道要真正把问题说出来，并实现深刻的共同理解和承诺是很困难的。我记得在期待这次访问时实际上是颤抖的。他看起来是个很强硬的人，固执己见，自以为是；然而我需要他的优点和能力。我担心对抗可能会危及我们的关系，导致我失去那些优点。
I went through a mental dress rehearsal of the anticipated visit, and I finally became settled within myself around the principles rather than the practices of what I was going to do and say. At last I felt peace of mind and the courage to have the communication. 我进行了预期访问的心理彩排，最终我在内心中围绕我将要做和说的原则而不是实践达成了平静。最后，我感到内心的平和和进行沟通的勇气。
When we met together, to my total surprise, I discovered that this man had been going through the very same process and had been longing for such a conversation. He was anything but hard and defensive. 当我们聚在一起时，我感到非常惊讶，我发现这个人也经历了同样的过程，并渴望进行这样的对话。他一点也不冷漠和防备。
Nevertheless, our administrative styles were considerably different, and the entire organization was responding to these differences. We both acknowledged the problems that our disunity had created. Over several visits, we were able to confront the deeper issues, to get them all out on the table, and to resolve them, one by one, with a spirit of high mutual respect. We were able to develop a powerful complementary team and a 然而，我们的管理风格有很大不同，整个组织也在对此做出反应。我们都承认了我们不团结所造成的问题。在几次访问中，我们能够面对更深层次的问题，把它们全部摆到桌面上，并以高度的相互尊重的精神逐一解决。我们能够建立一个强大的互补团队和一个
deep personal affection which added tremendously to our ability to work effectively together. 深厚的个人感情极大地增强了我们有效合作的能力。
Creating the unity necessary to run an effective business or a family or a marriage requires great personal strength and courage. No amount of technical administrative skill in laboring for the masses can make up for lack of nobility of personal character in developing relationships. It is at a very essential, one-on-one level, that we live the primary laws of love and life. 创造有效经营企业、家庭或婚姻所需的团结需要巨大的个人力量和勇气。无论在为大众服务中具备多少技术管理技能，都无法弥补在发展关系中缺乏个人品德的高尚。在非常基本的、一对一的层面上，我们生活在爱的和生命的基本法则中。
P Problems are PC Opportunities P 问题是 PC 机会
This experience also taught me another powerful paradigm of interdependence. It deals with the way in which we see problems. I had lived for months trying to avoid the problem, seeing it as a source of irritation, a stumbling block, and wishing it would somehow go away. But, as it turned out, the very problem created the opportunity to build a deep relationship that empowered us to work together as a strong complementary team. 这段经历还教会了我另一个强大的相互依赖的范式。它涉及我们看待问题的方式。我曾经生活了几个月，试图避免这个问题，把它视为一种烦恼，一个绊脚石，并希望它能以某种方式消失。但事实证明，正是这个问题创造了建立深厚关系的机会，使我们能够作为一个强大的互补团队共同合作。
I suggest that in an interdependent situation, every P problem is a PC opportunity – a chance to build the Emotional Bank Accounts that significantly affect interdependent production. 我建议在相互依赖的情况下，每个 P 问题都是一个 PC 机会——一个建立情感银行账户的机会，这对相互依赖的生产有显著影响。
When parents see their children’s problems as opportunities to build the relationship instead of as negative, burdensome irritations, it totally changes the nature of parentchild interaction. Parents become more willing, even excited, about deeply understanding and helping their children. When a child comes to them with a problem, instead of thinking, “Oh, no! Not another problem!” their paradigm is, “Here is a great opportunity for me to really help my child and to invest in our relationship.” Many interactions change from transactional to transformational, and strong bonds of love and trust are created as children sense the value parents give to their problems and to them as individuals. 当父母将孩子的问题视为建立关系的机会，而不是负面、繁重的烦恼时，父母与孩子之间的互动性质就会完全改变。父母变得更加愿意，甚至兴奋于深入理解和帮助他们的孩子。当孩子向他们提出问题时，父母不再想：“哦，不！又一个问题！”而是转变为：“这是一个真正帮助我的孩子并投资于我们关系的绝佳机会。”许多互动从交易性转变为变革性，随着孩子们感受到父母对他们的问题和作为个体的价值，强烈的爱与信任的纽带得以建立。
This paradigm is powerful in business as well. One department store chain that operates from this paradigm has created a great loyalty among its customers. Any time a customer comes into the store with a problem, not matter how small, the clerks immediately see it as an opportunity to build the relationship with the customer. They respond with a cheerful, positive desire to solve the problem in a way that will make the customer happy. They treat the customer with such grace and respect, giving such second-mile service, that many of the customers don’t even think of going anywhere else. 这种范式在商业中也非常强大。一个基于这种范式运营的百货商店连锁店在顾客中建立了极大的忠诚度。每当顾客带着问题走进商店，无论问题多么小，店员们立刻将其视为与顾客建立关系的机会。他们以愉快、积极的态度回应，努力以让顾客满意的方式解决问题。他们以如此优雅和尊重的态度对待顾客，提供超出预期的服务，以至于许多顾客甚至不考虑去其他地方。
By recognizing that the P//PC\mathrm{P} / \mathrm{PC} Balance is necessary to effectiveness in an interdependent reality, we can value our problems as opportunities to increase PC. 通过认识到 P//PC\mathrm{P} / \mathrm{PC} 平衡在相互依存的现实中对有效性是必要的，我们可以将问题视为增加 PC 的机会。
The Habits of Interdependence 相互依赖的习惯
With the paradigm of the Emotional Bank Account in mind, we’re ready to move into the habits of Public Victory, or success in working with other people. As we do, we can see how these habits work together to create effective interdependence. We can also see how powerfully scripted we are in other patterns of thought and behavior. 考虑到情感银行账户的范式，我们准备进入公共胜利的习惯，即与他人合作的成功。在这个过程中，我们可以看到这些习惯如何协同工作以创造有效的相互依赖。我们还可以看到我们在其他思维和行为模式中是多么强烈地被编排。
In addition, we can see on an even deeper level that effective interdependence can only be achieved by truly independent people. It is impossible to achieve Public Victory with popular “Win-Win negotiation” techniques of “reflective listening” techniques or “creative 此外，我们可以更深层次地看到，有效的相互依赖只能通过真正独立的人来实现。使用流行的“双赢谈判”技巧，如“反思倾听”技巧或“创造性”是无法实现公共胜利的。
problem-solving” techniques that focus on personality and truncate the vital character base. “解决问题”的技巧侧重于个性，并削弱了重要的性格基础。
Let’s now focus on each of the Public Victory habits in depth. 现在让我们深入关注每一个公共胜利习惯。
We have committed the Golden Rule to memory; let us now commit it to life. 我们已经将黄金法则铭记于心；现在让我们将其付诸实践。
– Edwin Markha – 埃德温·马克哈
One time I was asked to work with a company whose president was very concerned about the lack of cooperation among his people. 有一次，我被要求与一家公司的总裁合作，他非常担心他的员工之间缺乏合作。
“Our basic problem, Stephen, is that they’re selfish,” he said. “They just won’t cooperate. I know if they would cooperate, we could produce so much more. Can you help us develop a human-relations program that will solve the problem?” “我们基本的问题，斯蒂芬，是他们自私，”他说。“他们就是不愿意合作。我知道如果他们愿意合作，我们可以生产更多。你能帮我们制定一个人际关系计划来解决这个问题吗？”
“Is your problem the people or the paradigm?” I asked. “你的问题是人还是范式？”我问。
“Look for yourself,” he replied. “你自己看，”他回答道。
So I did. And I found that there was a real selfishness, and unwillingness to cooperate, a resistance to authority, defensive communication. I could see that overdrawn Emotional Bank Accounts had created a culture of low trust. But I pressed the question. 所以我这样做了。我发现存在真正的自私和不愿合作，对权威的抵制，防御性的沟通。我可以看到，透支的情感银行账户造成了低信任文化。但我继续追问。
“Let’s look at it deeper,” I suggested. “Why don’t your people cooperate? What is the reward for not cooperating?” “我们深入看看，”我建议道。“你们的人为什么不合作？不合作的奖励是什么？”
“There’s no reward for not cooperating,” he assured me. "The rewards are much greater if they do cooperate. “如果他们不合作，就没有奖励，”他向我保证。“如果他们合作，奖励会大得多。”
“Are they?” I asked. Behind a curtain on one wall of this man’s office was a chart. On the chart were a number of racehorses all lined up on a track. Superimposed on the face of each horse was the face of one of his managers. At the end of the track was a beautiful travel poster of Bermuda, an idyllic picture of blue skies and fleecy clouds and a romantic couple walking hand in hand down a white sandy beach. “他们吗？”我问。这个男人办公室的一面墙后面挂着一张图表。图表上有许多赛马整齐地排列在赛道上。每匹马的脸上都叠加着他的一位经理的脸。在赛道的尽头是一张美丽的百慕大旅游海报，画面描绘了蓝天、白云和一对浪漫的情侣手牵手走在白色沙滩上。
Once a week, this man would bring all his people into this office and talk cooperation. “Let’s all work together. We’ll all make more money if we do.” Then he would pull the curtain and show them the chart. “Now which of you is going to win the trip to Bermuda?” 每周，这个男人都会把他的所有人带到这个办公室，谈论合作。“让我们一起工作。如果我们这样做，大家都会赚更多的钱。”然后他会拉上窗帘，给他们看图表。“现在你们中间谁将赢得前往百慕大的旅行？”
It was like telling one flower to grow and watering another, like saying “firings will continue until morale improves.” He wanted cooperation. He wanted his people to work together, to share ideas, to all benefit from the effort. But he was setting them up in competition with each other. One manager’s success meant failure for the other managers 这就像告诉一朵花去生长，而给另一朵花浇水，就像说“解雇将继续，直到士气改善。”他想要合作。他希望他的团队能够团结合作，分享想法，大家都能从努力中受益。但他却让他们彼此竞争。一个经理的成功意味着其他经理的失败。
As with many, many problems between people in business, family, and other relationships, the problem in this company was the result of a flawed paradigm. The president was trying to get the fruits of cooperation from a paradigm of competition. And when it didn’t work, he wanted a technique, a program, a quick-fix antidote to make his people cooperate. 与许多商业、家庭和其他关系中的问题一样，这家公司面临的问题是一个有缺陷的范式所导致的。总裁试图从竞争的范式中获得合作的成果。当这行不通时，他想要一种技术、一项程序或一个快速解决方案来让他的员工合作。
But you can’t change the fruit without changing the root. Working on the attitudes and behaviors would have been hacking at the leaves. So we focused instead on producing personal and organizational excellence in an entirely different way by developing information and reward systems which reinforced the value of cooperation. 但你不能在不改变根源的情况下改变果实。处理态度和行为就像是在修剪树叶。因此，我们转而专注于以完全不同的方式实现个人和组织的卓越，通过开发强化合作价值的信息和奖励系统。
Whether you are the president of a company or the janitor, the moment you step from independence into interdependence in any capacity, you step into a leadership role. You are in a position of influencing other people. And the habit of effective interpersonal leadership is Think Win-Win. 无论你是公司的总裁还是清洁工，当你以任何身份从独立走向相互依赖时，你就进入了领导角色。你处于影响他人的位置。而有效人际领导的习惯是双赢思维。
Six Paradigms of Human Interaction 人类互动的六种范式
Win-win is not a technique; it’s a total philosophy of human interaction. In fact, it is one of six paradigms of interaction. The alternative paradigms are win-lose, lose-win, loselose, win, and Win-Win or No Deal TM 双赢不是一种技巧；它是一种全面的人际互动哲学。事实上，它是六种互动范式之一。其他范式包括输赢、赢输、双输、赢，以及双赢或无交易 TM。
Win-Win 双赢
Win-win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win-win means that agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial, mutually satisfying. With a win-win solution, all parties feel good about the decision and feel committed to the action plan. Win-win sees life as a cooperative, not a competitive arena. Most people tend to think in terms of dichotomies: strong or weak, hardball or softball, win or lose. But that kind of thinking if fundamentally flawed. It’s based on power and position rather than on principle. Win-win is based on the paradigm that there is plenty for everybody, that one person’s success is not achieved at the expense or exclusion of the success of others. 双赢是一种心态和心灵，始终在所有人际互动中寻求互惠互利。双赢意味着协议或解决方案是互利的、互相满意的。通过双赢的解决方案，所有各方对决策感到满意，并对行动计划感到承诺。双赢将生活视为一种合作，而不是竞争的舞台。大多数人倾向于以二元对立的方式思考：强或弱、强硬或温和、赢或输。但这种思维方式从根本上是有缺陷的。它基于权力和地位，而不是原则。双赢基于这样一种范式：每个人都有足够的资源，一个人的成功并不是以牺牲或排斥他人的成功为代价的。
Win-win is a belief in the Third Alternative. It’s not your way or my way; it’s a better way, a higher way. 双赢是一种对第三种选择的信念。这不是你的方式或我的方式；而是一种更好的方式，一种更高的方式。
Win-Lose 胜负
One alternative to win-win is win-lose, the paradigm of the race to Bermuda. It says "If I win, you lose. In leadership style, win-lose is the authoritarian approach: “I get my way; you don’t get yours.” 一种替代双赢的方式是双输，即前往百慕大之赛的范式。它说：“如果我赢了，你就输了。”在领导风格上，双输是专制的方式：“我得到我想要的；你得不到你想要的。”
Win-lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way. Most people have been deeply scripted in the win-lose mentality since birth. First and most important of the powerful forces at work is the family. When one child is compared with another – when patience, understanding or love is given or withdrawn on the basis of such comparisons – people are into win-lose thinking. Whenever love is given on a conditional basis, when someone has to earn love, what’s being communicated to them is that they are not intrinsically valuable or lovable. Value does not lie inside them, it lies outside. It’s in comparison with somebody else or against some expectation. 赢输型的人倾向于利用地位、权力、资历、财产或个性来达到自己的目的。大多数人从出生起就深受赢输心态的影响。最重要的一个强大力量就是家庭。当一个孩子与另一个孩子进行比较时——当耐心、理解或爱是基于这种比较而给予或撤回时——人们就陷入了赢输思维。每当爱是有条件地给予时，当某人必须赢得爱时，传达给他们的信息就是他们并不是内在有价值或可爱的。价值不在他们内部，而在外部。它是在与其他人比较或与某种期望对比中体现的。
And what happens to a young mind and heart, highly vulnerable, highly dependent upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents, in the face of conditional love? The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the win-lose mentality. 在面对有条件的爱时，一个年轻的心灵和心脏会发生什么？它们高度脆弱，高度依赖父母的支持和情感肯定。孩子在胜负心态中被塑造、形成和编程。
“If I’m better than my brother, my parents will love me more.” “如果我比我的兄弟更优秀，我的父母会更爱我。”
“My parents don’t love me as much as they love my sister. I must not be as valuable.” “我的父母没有像爱我姐姐那样爱我。我一定没有那么有价值。”
Another powerful scripting agency is the peer group. A child first wants acceptance from his parents and then from his peers, whether they be siblings or friends. And we all know how cruel peers sometimes can be. They often accept or reject totally on the basis of conformity to their expectations and norms, providing additional scripting toward winlose. 另一个强大的脚本机构是同龄人群体。孩子首先希望得到父母的认可，然后是同龄人的认可，无论他们是兄弟姐妹还是朋友。我们都知道同龄人有时是多么残酷。他们往往完全基于对他们期望和规范的符合程度来接受或拒绝，从而提供额外的脚本，导致双输局面。
The academic world reinforces win-lose scripting. The “normal distribution curve” basically says that you got an “A” because someone else got a “C.” It interprets an individual’s value by comparing him or her to everyone else. No recognition is given to intrinsic value; everyone is extrinsically defined. 学术界强化了胜负剧本。“正态分布曲线”基本上说你得了“A”，是因为其他人得了“C”。它通过将个人与其他人进行比较来解释个人的价值。没有给予内在价值的认可；每个人都是外在定义的。
“Oh, how nice to see you here at our PTA meeting. You ought to be really proud of your daughter, Caroline. She’s in the upper 10 percent.” “哦，很高兴在我们的家长教师协会会议上见到你。你应该为你的女儿卡罗琳感到非常自豪。她在前 10%的学生中。”
“That makes me feel good.” “那让我感觉很好。”
“But your son, Johnny, is in trouble. He’s in the lower quartile.” “但是你的儿子，约翰尼，遇到麻烦了。他在下四分位。”
“Really? Oh, that’s terrible! What can we do about it?” “真的吗？哦，那太糟糕了！我们能做些什么呢？”
What this kind of comparative information doesn’t tell you is that perhaps Johnny is going on all eight cylinders while Caroline is coasting on four of her eight. But people are not graded against their potential or against the full use of their present capacity. They are graded in relation to other people. And grades are carriers of social value; they open doors of opportunity or they close them. Competition, not cooperation, lies at the core of the educational process. Cooperation, in fact, is usually associated with cheating. 这种比较信息没有告诉你的是，也许约翰尼正在全力以赴，而卡罗琳则在她的八个气缸中只使用了四个。但人们并不是根据他们的潜力或当前能力的充分利用来评分的。他们是相对于其他人来评分的。而成绩是社会价值的载体；它们打开机会的大门，或者关闭它们。竞争，而不是合作，是教育过程的核心。事实上，合作通常与作弊相关联。
Another powerful programming agent is athletics, particularly for young men in their high school or college years. Often they develop the basic paradigm that life is a big game, a zero sum game where some win and some lose. “Winning” is “beating” in the athletic arena. 另一个强大的编程代理是体育，特别是对于高中或大学时期的年轻男性。通常，他们会形成一个基本的范式，即生活是一场大游戏，一个零和游戏，有人赢，有人输。“胜利”在体育竞技中就是“击败”。
Another agent is law. We live in a litigious society. The first thing many people think about when they get into trouble is suing someone, taking him to court, “winning” at someone else’s expense. But defensive minds are neither creative nor cooperative. 另一个代理是法律。我们生活在一个诉讼社会。许多人在遇到麻烦时首先想到的就是起诉某人，把他告上法庭，以“赢得”他人的代价。但防御性思维既不具创造性，也不具合作性。
Certainly we need law or else society will deteriorate. It provides survival, but it doesn’t create synergy. At best it results in compromise. Law is based on an adversarial concept. The recent trend of encouraging lawyers and law schools to focus on peaceable negotiation, the techniques of win-win, and the use of private courts, may not provide the ultimate solution, but it does reflect a growing awareness of the problem. 当然，我们需要法律，否则社会将会恶化。法律提供生存，但并不创造协同效应。充其量，它导致妥协。法律基于对抗的概念。最近鼓励律师和法学院关注和平谈判、双赢技巧以及使用私人法庭的趋势，可能无法提供最终解决方案，但确实反映了对问题日益增长的认识。
Certainly there is a place for win-lose thinking in truly competitive and low-trust situations. But most of life is not a competition. We don’t have to live each day competing with our spouse, our children, our co-workers, our neighbors, and our friends. “Who’s winning in your marriage?” is a ridiculous question. If both people aren’t winning, both are losing. ...
Most of life is an interdependent, not an independent, reality. Most results you want depend on cooperation between you and others. And the win-lose mentality is dysfunctional to that cooperation. 生活的大部分是相互依存的，而不是独立的现实。你想要的大多数结果依赖于你和他人之间的合作。而赢输心态对这种合作是有害的。
Lose-Win ...
Some people are programmed the other way – lose-win. ...
“I lose, you win.” ...
“Go ahead. Have your way with me.” ...
“Step on me again. Everyone does.” ...
“I’m a loser. I’ve always been a loser.” ...
“I’m a peacemaker. I’ll do anything to keep peace.” ...
Lose-win is worse than win-lose because it has no standards – no demands, no expectations, no vision. People who think lose-win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions and are easily intimidated by the ego strength of others. ...
In negotiation, lose-win is seen as capitulation – giving in or giving up. In leadership style, it’s permissiveness or indulgence. Lose-win means being a nice guy, even if "nice guys finish last. ...
Win-lose people love lose-win people because they can feed on them. They love their weaknesses – they take advantage of them. Such weaknesses complement their strengths. ...
But the problem is that lose-win people bury a lot of feelings. And unexpressed feelings never die; they’re buried alive and come forth in uglier ways. Psychosomatic illnesses, particularly of the respiratory, nervous, and circulatory systems often are the reincarnation of cumulative resentment, deep disappointment, and disillusionment repressed by the lose-win mentality. Disproportionate rage or anger, overreaction to minor provocation, and cynicism are other embodiments of suppressed emotion. ...
People who are constantly repressing, not transcending, feelings towards a higher meaning find that it affects the quality of their self-esteem and eventually the quality of their relationships with others. Both win-lose and lose-win are weak positions, based in personal insecurities. In the short run, win-lose will produce more results because it draws on the often considerable strengths and talents of the people at the top. Lose-win is weak and chaotic from the outset. ...
Many executives, managers, and parents swing back and forth, as if on a pendulum, from win-lose inconsideration to lose-win indulgence. When they can’t stand confusion and lack of structure, direction, expectation, and discipline any longer, they swing back to win-lose – until guilt undermines their resolve and drives them back to lose-win – until anger and frustration drive them back to win-lose again. ...
Lose-Lose ...
When two win-lose people get together – that is, when two determined, stubborn, egoinvested individuals interact – the result will be lose-lose. Both will lose. Both will become vindictive and want to “get back” or “get even,” blind to the fact that murder is suicide, that revenge is a two-edged sword. ...
I know of a divorce in which the husband was directed by the judge to sell the assets and turn over half the proceeds to his ex-wife. In compliance, he sold a car worth over $10,000\$ 10,000 for $50\$ 50 and gave $25\$ 25 to the wife. When the wife protested, the court clerk checked on the situation and discovered that the husband was proceeding in the same manner systematically through all of the assets. ...
Some people become so centered on an enemy, so totally obsessed with the behavior of another person that they become blind to everything except their desire for that person to lose, even if it means losing themselves. Lose-lose is the philosophy of adversarial conflict, the philosophy of war. Lose-lose is also the philosophy of the highly dependent person without inner direction who is miserable and thinks everyone else should be, too. "If nobody ever wins, perhaps being a loser isn’t so bad. ...
Win ...
Another common alternative is simply to think win. People with the win mentality don’t necessarily want someone else to lose. That’s irrelevant. What matters is that they get what they want. ...
When there is no sense of contest or competition, win is probably the most common approach in everyday negotiation. A person with the win mentality thinks in terms of securing his own ends – and leaving it to others to secure theirs. ...
Which Option Is Best? ...
Of these five philosophies discussed so far – win-win, win-lose, lose-win, lose-lose, and win -which is the most effective? The answer is, “It depends.” If you win a football game, that means the other team loses. If you work in a regional office that is miles away from another regional office, and you don’t have any functional relationship between the offices, you may want to compete in a win-lose situation to stimulate business. However, you would not want to set up a win-lose situation like the “Race to Bermuda” contest within a company or in a situation where you need cooperation among people or groups of people to achieve maximum success. ...
If you value a relationship and the issue isn’t really that important, you may want to go for lose-win in some circumstances to genuinely affirm the other person. “What I want isn’t as important to me as my relationship with you. Let’s do it your way this time.” You might also go for lose-win if you feel the expense of time and effort to achieve a win of any kind would violate other higher values. Maybe it just isn’t worth it. ...
There are circumstances in which you would want to win, and you wouldn’t be highly concerned with the relationship of that win to others. If your child’s life were in danger, for example, you might be peripherally concerned about other people and circumstances. But saving that life would be supremely important. ...
The best choice, then, depends on reality. The challenge is to read that reality accurately and not to translate win-lose or other scripting into every situation. ...
Most situations, in fact, are part of an interdependent reality, and then win-win is really the only viable alternative of the five. ...
Win-lose is not viable because, although I appear to win in a confrontation with you, your feelings, your attitudes toward me and our relationship have been affected. If I am a ...
supplier to your company, for example, and I win on my terms in a particular negotiation, I may get what I want now. But will you come to me again? My short-term win will really be a long-term lose if I don’t get your repeat business. So an interdependent win-lose is really lose-lose in the long run. ...
If we come up with a lose-win, you may appear to get what you want for the moment. But how will that affect my attitude about working with you, about fulfilling the contract? I may not feel as anxious to please you. I may carry battle scars with me into any future negotiations. My attitude about you and your company may be spread as I associate with others in the industry. So we’re into lose-lose again. Lose-lose obviously isn’t viable in any context. And if I focus on my own win and don’t even consider your point of view, there’s no basis for any kind of productive relationship. ...
In the long run, if it isn’t a win for both of us, we both lose. That’s why win-win is the only real alternative in interdependent realities. ...
I worked with a client once, the president of a large chain of retail stores, who said, “Stephen, this win-win idea sounds good, but it is so idealistic. The tough, realistic business world isn’t like that. There’s win-lose everywhere, and if you’re not out there playing the game, you just can’t make it.” ...
“All right,” I said, “try going for win-lose with your customers. Is that realistic?” ...
“Well, no,” he replied. ...
“Why not?” ...
“I’d lose my customers.” ...
“Then, go for lose-win – give the store away. Is that realistic?” ...
“No. No margin, no mission.” ...
As we considered the various alternatives, win-win appeared to be the only truly realistic approach. ...
“I guess that’s true with customers,” he admitted, “but not with suppliers.” ...
“You are the customer of the supplier,” I said. “Why doesn’t the same principle apply?” ...
“Well, we recently renegotiated our lease agreements with the mall operators and owners,” he said. ...
“We went in with a win-win attitude. We were open, reasonable, conciliatory. But they saw that position as being soft and weak, and they took us to the cleaners.” ...
“Well, why did you go for lose-win?” I asked. ...
“We didn’t. We went for win-win.” ...
“I thought you said they took you to the cleaners.” ...
“They did.” ...
“In other words, you lost.” ...
"That's right."
"And they won."
"That's right."
"So what's that called?"
When he realized that what he had called win-win was really lose-win, he was shocked. And as we examined the long-term impact of that lose-win, the suppressed feelings, the trampled values, the resentment that seethed under the surface of the relationship, we agreed that it was really a loss for both parties in the end. ...
If this man had had a real win-win attitude, he would have stayed longer in the communication process, listened to the mall owner more, then expressed his point of view with more courage. He would have continued in the win-win spirit until a solution was reached and they both felt good about it. And that solution, that Third Alternative, would have been synergistic – probably something neither of them had thought of on his own. ...
Win-Win or No Deal TM ...
If these individuals had not come up with a synergistic solution – one that was agreeable to both – they could have gone for an even higher expression of win-win, Win-Win or No Deal. ...
No deal basically means that if we can’t find a solution that would benefit us both, we agree to disagree agreeably – no deal. No expectations have been created, no performance contracts established. I don’t hire you or we don’t take on a particular assignment together because it’s obvious that our values or our goals are going in opposite directions. It is so much better to realize this up front instead of downstream when expectations have been created and both parties have been disillusioned. ...
When you have no deal as an option in your mind, you feel liberated because you have no need to manipulate people, to push your own agenda, to drive for what you want. You can be open. You can really try to understand the deeper issues underlying the positions. ...
With no deal as an option, you can honestly say, “I only want to go for win-win. I want to win, and I want you to win. I wouldn’t want to get my way and have you not feel good about it, because downstream it would eventually surface and create a withdrawal. On the other hand, I don’t think you would feel good if you got your way and I gave in. So let’s work for a win-win. Let’s really hammer it out. And if we can’t find it, then let’s agree that we won’t make a deal at all. It would be better not to deal than to live with a decision that wasn’t right for us both. Then maybe another time we might be able to get together.” ...
Some time after learning the concept of Win-Win or No Deal, the president of a small computer software company shared with me the following experience: ...
"We had developed new software which we sold on a five-year contract to a particular bank. The bank president was excited about it, but his people weren’t really behind the decision. ...
"About a month later, that bank changed presidents. The new president came to me and said, ‘I am uncomfortable with these software conversions. I have a mess on my hands. My people are all saying that they can’t go through this and I really feel I just can’t push it at this point in time.’ ...
"My own company was in deep financial trouble. I knew I had every legal right to enforce the contract. But I had become convinced of the value of the principle of win-win. ...
"So I told him ‘We have a contract. Your bank has secured our products and our services to convert you to this program. But we understand that you’re not happy about it. So what we’d like to do is give you back the contract, give you back your deposit, and if you are ever looking for a software solution in the future, come back and see us.’ ...
"I literally walked away from an $84,000\$ 84,000 contract. It was close to financial suicide. But I felt that, in the long run, if the principle were true, it would come back and pay dividends. ...
“Three months later, the new president called me. ‘I’m now going to make changes in my date processing,’ he said, ‘and I want to do business with you.’ He signed a contract for $240,000.” ...
Anything less than win-win in an interdependent reality is a poor second best that will have impact in the long-term relationship. The cost of the impact needs to be carefully considered. If you can’t reach a true win-win, you’re very often better off to go for no deal. ...
Win-Win or No Deal provides tremendous emotional freedom in the family relationship. If family members can’t agree on a video that everyone will enjoy, they can simply decide to do something else – no deal – rather than having some enjoy the evening at the expense of others. ...
I have a friend whose family has been involved in singing together for several years. When they were young, she arranged the music, made the costumes, accompanied them on the piano, and directed the performances. ...
As the children grew older, their taste in music began to change and they wanted to have more say in what they performed and what they wore. They became less responsive to direction. ...
Because she had years of experience in performing herself and felt closer to the needs of the older people at the rest homes where they planned to perform, she didn’t feel that many of the ideas they were suggesting would be appropriate. At the same time, however, she recognized their need to express themselves and to be part of the decisionmaking process. ...
So she set up a Win-Win or No Deal. She told them she wanted to arrive at an agreement that everyone felt good about – or they would simply find other ways to enjoy their talents. As a result, everyone felt free to express his or her feelings and ideas as they ...
worked to set up a Win-Win Agreement, knowing that whether or not they could agree, there would be no emotional strings. ...
The Win-Win or No Deal approach is most realistic at the beginning of a business relationship or enterprise. In a continuing business relationship, no deal may not be a viable option, which can create serious problems, especially for family businesses or businesses that are begun initially on the basis of friendship. ...
In an effort to preserve the relationship, people sometimes go on for years making one compromise after another, thinking win-lose or lose-win even while talking win-win. This creates serious problems for the people and for the business, particularly if the competition operates on win-win and synergy. ...
Without no deal, many such businesses simply deteriorate and either fail or have to be turned over to professional managers. Experience shows that it is often better in setting up a family business or a business between friends to acknowledge the possibility of no deal downstream and to establish some kind of buy/sell agreement so that the business can prosper without permanently damaging the relationship. ...
Of course there are some relationships where no deal is not viable. I wouldn’t abandon my child or my spouse and go for no deal (it would be better, if necessary, to go for compromise – a low form of win-win). But in many cases, it is possible to go into negotiation with a full Win-Win or No Deal attitude. And the freedom in the attitude is incredible. ...
Five Dimensions of Win-Win ...
Think Win-Win is the habit of interpersonal leadership. It involves the exercise of each of the unique human endowments – self-awareness, imagination, conscience, and independent will – in our relationships with others. It involves mutual learning, mutual influence, mutual benefits. ...
It takes great courage as well as consideration to create these mutual benefits, particularly if we’re interacting with others who are deeply scripted in win-los. ...
That is why this habit involves principles of interpersonal leadership. Effective interpersonal leadership requires the vision, the proactive initiative, and the security, guidance, wisdom, and power that come from principle-centered personal leadership. ...
The principle of win-win is fundamental to success in all our interactions, and it embraces five interdependent dimensions of life. It begins with character and moves toward relationships, out of which flow agreements. It is nurtured in an environment where structure and systems are based on win-win. And it involves process; we cannot achieve win-win ends with win-lose or lose-win means. ...
The following diagram shows how these five dimensions relate to each other. ...
Now let’s consider each of the five dimensions in turn. ...
Character ...
Character is the foundation of win-win, and everything else builds on that foundation. There are three character traits essential to the win-win paradigm. ...
INTEGRITY. ...
We’ve already defined integrity as the value we place on ourselves. Habits 1, 2, and 3 help us develop and maintain integrity. As we clearly identify our values and proactively organize and execute around those values on a daily basis, we develop self-awareness and independent will by making and keeping meaningful promises and commitments. ...
There’s no way to go for a win in our own lives if we don’t even know, in a deep sense, what constitutes a win – what is, in fact, harmonious with our innermost values. And if we can’t make and keep commitments to ourselves as well as to others, our commitments become meaningless. We know it; others know it. They sense duplicity and become guarded. There’s no foundation of trust and win-win becomes an ineffective superficial technique. Integrity is the cornerstone in the foundation. ...
MATURITY. ...
Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. If a person can express his feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person, he is mature, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties. ...
If you examine many of the psychological tests used for hiring, promoting, and training purposes, you will find that they are designed to evaluate this kind of maturity. Whether it’s called the ego strength/empathy balance, the self confidence/respect for others balance, the concern for people/concern for tasks balance, “I’m okay, you’re okay” in transactional analysis language, or 9.1, 1.9, 5.5, 9.9, in management grid language – the quality sought for is the balance of what I call courage and consideration. ...
Respect for this quality is deeply ingrained in the theory of human interaction, management, and leadership. It is a deep embodiment of the P//PC\mathrm{P} / \mathrm{PC} Balance. While courage may focus on getting the golden egg, consideration deals with the long-term welfare of the other stakeholders. The basic task of leadership is to increase the standard of living and the quality of life for all stakeholders. ...
Many people think in dichotomies, in either/or terms. They think if you’re nice, you’re not tough. But win-win is nice…and tough. It’s twice as tough as win-lose. To go for winwin, you not only have to be nice, you have to be courageous. You not only have to be empathic, you have to be confident. You not only have to be considerate and sensitive, you have to be brave. To do that, to achieve that balance between courage and consideration, is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to win-win. ...
If I’m high on courage and low on consideration, how will I think? Win-lose. I’ll be strong and ego bound. I’ll have the courage of my convictions, but I won’t be very considerate of yours. ...
To compensate for my lack of internal maturity and emotional strength, I might borrow strength from my position and power, or from my credentials, my seniority, my affiliation. ...
If I’m high on consideration and low on courage, I’ll think lose-win. I’ll be so considerate of your convictions and desires that I won’t have the courage to express and actualize my own. ...
High courage and consideration are both essential to win-win. It is the balance that is the mark of real maturity. If I have it, I can listen, I can empathically understand, but I can also courageously confront. ...
ABUNDANCE MENTALITY TM. ...
The third character trait essential to win-win is the Abundance Mentality, the paradigm that there is plenty out there for everybody. ...
Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. They see life as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. And if someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everybody else. The Scarcity Mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life. ...
People with a Scarcity Mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit – even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the successes of other people – even, and sometimes especially, members of their own family or close friends and associates. It’s almost as if something is being taken from them when someone else receives special recognition or windfall gain or has remarkable success or achievement. ...
Although they might verbally express happiness for others’ success, inwardly they are eating their hearts out. Their sense of worth comes from being compared, and someone else’s success, to some degree, means their failure. Only so many people can be “A” students; only one person can be “number one.” To “win” simply means to “beat.” ...
Often, people with a Scarcity Mentality harbor secret hopes that others might suffer misfortune – not terrible misfortune, but acceptable misfortune that would keep them “in their place.” They’re always comparing, always competing. They give their energies to possessing things or other people in order to increase their sense of worth. ...
They want other people to be the way they want them to be. They often want to clone them, and they surround themselves with “yes” people – people who won’t challenge them, people who are weaker than they. ...
It’s difficult for people with a Scarcity Mentality to be members of a complementary team. They look on differences as signs of insubordination and disloyalty. ...
The Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity. ...
The Abundance Mentality takes the personal joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment of Habits 1, 2 , and 3 and turns it outward, appreciating the uniqueness, the inner direction, the proactive nature of others. It recognizes the unlimited possibilities for positive interactive growth and development, creating new Third Alternatives. ...
Public Victory does not mean victory over other people. It means success in effective interaction that brings mutually beneficial results to everyone involved. Public Victory means working together, communicating together, making things happen together that even the same people couldn’t make happen by working independently. And Public Victory is an outgrowth of the Abundance Mentality paradigm. ...
A character rich in integrity, maturity, and the Abundance Mentality has a genuineness that goes far beyond technique, or lack of it, in human interaction. ...
One thing I have found particularly helpful to win-lose people in developing a win-win character is to associate with some model or mentor who really thinks win-win. When people are deeply scripted in win-lose or other philosophies and regularly associate with others who are likewise scripted, they don’t have much opportunity to see and experience the win-win philosophy in action. So I recommend reading literature, such as the inspiring biography of Anwar Sadat, In Search of Identity, and seeing movies like Chariots of Fire or plays like Les Miserables that expose you to models of win-win. ...
But remember: If we search deeply enough within ourselves – beyond the scripting, beyond the learned attitudes and behaviors – the real validation of win-win, as well as every other correct principle, is in our own lives. ...
Relationships ...
From the foundation of character, we build and maintain win-win relationships. The trust, the Emotional Bank Account, is the essence of win-win. Without trust, the best we can do is compromise; without trust, we lack the credibility for open, mutual learning and communication and real creativity. ...
But if our Emotional Bank Account is high, credibility is no longer an issue. Enough deposits have been made so that you know and I know that we deeply respect each other. We’re focused on the issues, not on personalities or positions. ...
Because we trust each other, we’re open. We put our cards on the table. Even though we see things differently, I know that you’re willing to listen with respect while I describe the young woman to you, and you know that I’ll treat your description of the old woman with the same respect. We’re both committed to try to understand each other’s point of view deeply and to work together for the Third Alternative, the synergistic solution, that will be a better answer for both of us. ...
A relationship where bank accounts are high and both parties are deeply committed to win-win is the ideal springboard for tremendous synergy (Habit 6). That relationship neither makes the issues any less real or important, nor eliminates the differences in perspective. But it does eliminate the negative energy normally focused on differences in personality and position and creates a positive, cooperative energy focused on thoroughly understanding the issue and resolving them in a mutually beneficial way. ...
But what if that kind of relationship isn’t there? What if you have to work out an agreement with someone who hasn’t even heard of win-win and is deeply scripted in win-lose or some other philosophy? ...
Dealing with win-lose is the real test of win-win. Rarely is win-win easily achieved in any circumstance. Deep issues and fundamental differences have to be dealt with. But it is much easier when both parties are aware of and committed to it and where there is a high Emotional Bank Account in the relationship. ...
When you’re dealing with a person who is coming from a paradigm of win-lose, the relationship is still the key. The place to focus is on your Circle of Influence. You make deposits into the Emotional Bank Account through genuine courtesy, respect, and appreciation for that person and for the other point of view. You stay longer in the ...
communication process. You listen more, you listen in greater depth. You express yourself with greater courage. You aren’t reactive. You go deeper inside yourself for strength of character to be proactive. You keep hammering it out until the other person begins to realize that you genuinely want the resolution to be a real win for both of you. That very process is a tremendous deposit in the Emotional Bank Account. ...
And the stronger you are – the more genuine your character, the higher your level of proactivity, the more committed you really are to win-win – the more powerful your influence will be with that other person. This is the real test of interpersonal leadership. It goes beyond transactional leadership into transformational leadership, transforming the individuals involved as well as the relationship. ...
Because win-win is a principle people can validate in their own lives, you will be able to bring most people to a realization that they will win more of what they want by going for what you both want. But there will be a few who are so deeply embedded in the win-lose mentality that they just won’t Think Win-Win. So remember that no deal is always an option. Or you may occasionally choose to go for the low form of win-win – compromise. ...
It’s important to realize that not all decisions need to be win-win, even when the Emotional Bank Account is high. Again, the key is the relationship. If you and I worked together, for example, and you were to come to me and say, “Stephen, I know you won’t like this decision. I don’t have time to explain it to you, let alone get you involved. There’s a good possibility you’ll think it’s wrong. But will you support it?” ...
If you had a positive Emotional Bank Account with me, of course I’d support it. I’d hope you were right and I was wrong. I’d work to make your decision work. ...
But if the Emotional Bank Account weren’t there, and if I were reactive, I wouldn’t really support it. I might say I would to your face, but behind your back I wouldn’t be very enthusiastic. I wouldn’t make the investment necessary to make it succeed. “It didn’t work,” I’d say. “So what do you want me to do now?” ...
If I were overreactive, I might even torpedo your decision and do what I could to make sure others did too. Or I might become “maliciously obedient” and do exactly and only what you tell me to do, accepting no responsibility for results. ...
During the five years I lived in Great Britain, I saw that country brought twice to its knees because the train conductors were maliciously obedient in following all the rules and procedures written on paper. ...
An agreement means very little in letter without the character and relationship base to sustain it in spirit. So we need to approach win-win from a genuine desire to invest in the relationships that make it possible. ...
Agreements ...
From relationships flow the agreements that give definition and direction to win-win. They are sometimes called performance agreements or partnership agreements, or shifting the paradigm of productive interaction from vertical to horizontal, from hovering supervision to self-supervision, from positioning to being partners in success. ...
Win-Win Agreements cover a wide scope of interdependent interaction. We discussed one important application when we talked about delegation in the “Green and Clean” ...
story in Habit 3. The same five elements we listed there provide the structure for WinWin Agreements between employers and employees, between independent people working together on projects, between groups of people cooperatively focused on a common objective, between companies and suppliers – between any people who need to interact to accomplish. They create an effective way to clarify and manage expectations between people involved in any interdependent endeavor. ...
Desired results (not methods) identify what is to be done and when. ...
Guidelines specify the parameters (principles, policies, etc.) within which results are to be accomplished ...
Resources identify the human, financial, technical, or organizational support available to help accomplish the results. ...
Accountability sets up the standards of performance and the time of evaluation. ...
Consequences specify – good and bad, natural and logical – what does and will happen as a result of the evaluation. ...
These five elements give Win-Win Agreements a life of their own. A clear mutual understanding and agreement up front in these areas creates a standard against which people can measure their own success. ...
Traditional authoritarian supervision is a win-lose paradigm. It’s also the result of an overdrawn Emotional Bank Account. If you don’t have trust or common vision of desired results, you tend to hover over, check up on, and direct. Trust isn’t there, so you feel as though you have to control people. ...
But if the trust account is high, what is your method? Get out of their way. As long as you have an up-front Win-Win Agreement and they know exactly what is expected, your role is to be a source of help and to receive their accountability reports. ...
It is much more ennobling to the human spirit to let people judge themselves than to judge them. And in a high-trust culture, it’s much more accurate. In many cases people know in their hearts how things are going much better than the records show. Discernment is often far more accurate than either observation or measurement. ...
Win-Win Management Training ...
Several years ago, I was indirectly involved in a consulting project with a very large banking institution that had scores of branches. They wanted us to evaluate and improve their management training program, which was supported by an annual budget of $750,000\$ 750,000. The program involved selecting college graduates and putting them through twelve two-week assignments in various departments over a six-month period of time so that they could get a general sense of the industry. They spent two week in commercial loans, two weeks in industrial loans, two weeks in marketing, two week in operations, and so forth. At the end of the six-month period, they were assigned as assistant managers in the various branch banks. ...
Our assignment was to evaluate the six-month formal training period. As we began, we discovered that the most difficult part of the assignment was to get a clear picture of the desired results. We asked the top executives the key hard question: “What should these ...
people be able to do when they finish the program?” And the answers we got were vague and often contradictory. ...
The training program dealt with methods, not results; so we suggested that they set up a pilot training program based on a different paradigm called “learner-controlled instruction.” This was a Win-Win Agreement that involved identifying specific objectives and criteria that would demonstrate their accomplishment and identifying the guidelines, resources, accountability, and consequences that would result when the objectives were met. The consequences in this case were promotion to assistant manager, where they would receive the on-the-job part of their training, and a significant increase in salary. ...
We had to really press to get the objectives hammered out. “What is it you want them to understand about accounting? What about marketing? What about real estate loans?” And we went down the list. They finally came up with over 100 objectives, which we simplified, reduced, and consolidated until we came down to 39 specific behavioral objectives with criteria attached to them. ...
The trainees were highly motivated by both the opportunity and the increased salary to meet the criteria as soon as possible. There was a big win in it for them, and there was also a big win for the company because they would have assistant branch managers who met results-oriented criteria instead of just showing up for 12 different activity traps. ...
So we explained the difference between learner-controlled instruction and systemcontrolled instruction to the trainees. We basically said, "Here are the objectives and the criteria. Here are the resources, including learning from each other. So go to it. As soon as you meet the criteria, you will be promoted to assistant managers. ...
They were finished in three and a half weeks. Shifting the training paradigm had released unbelievable motivation and creativity ...
As with many Paradigm Shifts, there was resistance. Almost all of the top executives simply wouldn’t believe it. When they were shown the evidence that the criteria had been met, they basically said, “These trainees don’t have the experience. They lack the seasoning necessary to give them the kind of judgment we want them to have as assistant branch managers.” ...
In talking with them later, we found that what many of them were really saying was, “We went through goat week; how come these guys don’t have to?” But of course they couldn’t put it that way. “They lack seasoning” was a much more acceptable expression. ...
In addition, for obvious reasons (including the $750,000\$ 750,000 budget for a six-month program), the personnel department was upset. ...
So we responded, “Fair enough. Let’s develop some more objectives and attach criteria to them. But let’s stay with the paradigm of learner-controlled instruction.” We hammered out eight more objectives with very tough criteria in order to give the executives the assurance that the people were adequately prepared to be assistant branch managers and continue the on-the-job part of the training program. After participating in some of the sessions where these criteria were developed, several of the executives remarked that if the trainees could meet these tough criteria, they would be better prepared than almost any who had gone through the six-month program. ...
We had prepared the trainees to expect resistance. We took the additional objectives and criteria back to them and said, “Just as we expected, management wants you to accomplish some additional objectives with even tougher criteria than before. They have assured us this time that if you meet these criteria, they will make you assistant managers.” ...
They went to work in unbelievable ways. They went to the executives in departments such as accounting and basically said, “Sir, I am a member of this new pilot program called learner-controlled instruction, and it is my understanding that you participated in developing the objectives and the criteria.” ...
“I have six criteria to meet in this particular department. I was able to pass three of them off with skills I gained in college; I was able to get another one out of a book; I learned the fifth one from Tom, the fellow you trained last week. I only have one criterion left to meet, and I wonder if you or someone else in the department might be able to spend a few hours with me to show me how.” So they spent a half a day in a department instead of two weeks. ...
These trainees cooperated with each other, brainstormed with each other, and they accomplished the additional objectives in a week and a half. The six-month program was reduced to five weeks, and the results were significantly increased. ...
This kind of thinking can similarly affect every area of organizational life if people have the courage to explore their paradigms and to concentrate on win-win. I am always amazed at the results that happen, both to individuals and to organizations, when responsible, proactive, self-directing individuals are turned loose on a task. ...
Win-Win Performance Agreements ...
Creating Win-Win Performance Agreements requires vital Paradigm Shifts. The focus is on results; not methods. Most of us tend to supervise methods. We use the gofer delegation discussed in Habit 3, the methods management I used with Sandra when I asked her to take pictures of our son as he was waterskiing. But Win-Win Agreements focus on results, releasing tremendous individual human potential and creating greater synergy, building PC in the process instead of focusing exclusively on P ...
With win-win accountability, people evaluate themselves. The traditional evaluation games people play are awkward and emotionally exhausting. In win-win, people evaluate themselves, using the criteria that they themselves helped to create up front. And if you set it up correctly, people can do that. With a Win-Win Delegation Agreement, even a seven-year-old boy can tell for himself how well he’s keeping the yard “green and clean.” ...
My best experiences in teaching university classes have come when I have created a winwin shared understanding of the goal up front. “This is what we’re trying to accomplish. Here are the basic requirements for an A, B, or C grade. My goal is to help every one of you get an A. Now you take what we’ve talked about and analyze it and come up with your own understanding of what you want to accomplish that is unique to you. Then let’s get together and agree on the grade you want and what you plan to do to get it.” ...
Management philosopher and consultant Peter Drucker recommends the use of a “manager’s letter” to capture the essence of performance agreements between managers and their employees. Following a deep and thorough discussion of expectations, ...
guidelines, and resources to make sure they are in harmony with organizational goals, the employee writes a letter to the manager that summarizes the discussion and indicates when the next performance plan or review discussion will take place. ...
Developing such a Win-Win Agreement is the central activity of management. With an agreement in place, employees can manage themselves within the framework of that agreement. The manager then can serve like a pace car in a race. He can get things going and then get out of the way. His job from then on is to remove the oil spills. ...
When a boss becomes the first assistant to each of his subordinates, he can greatly increase his span of control. Entire levels of administrations and overhead are eliminated. Instead of supervising six or eight, such a manager can supervise twenty, thirty, fifty, or more. ...
In Win-Win Agreements, consequences become the natural or logical results of performance rather than a reward or punishment arbitrarily handed out by the person in charge. ...
There are basically four kinds of consequences (rewards and penalties) that management or parents can control – financial, psychic, opportunity, and responsibility. Financial consequences include such things as income, stock options, allowances, or penalties. Psychic or psychological consequences include recognition, approval, respect, credibility, or the loss of them. Unless people are in a survival mode, psychic compensation is often more motivating than financial compensation. Opportunity includes training, development, perks, and other benefits. Responsibility has to do with scope and authority, either of which can be enlarged or diminished. Win-Win Agreements specify consequences in one or more of those areas and the people involved know it up front. So you don’t play games. Everything is clear from the beginning. ...
In addition to these logical, personal consequences, it is also important to clearly identify what the natural organizational consequences are. For example, what will happen if I’m late to work, if I refuse to cooperate with others, if I don’t develop good Win-Win Agreements with my subordinates, if I don’t hold them accountable for desired results, or if I don’t promote their professional growth and career development. ...
When my daughter turned 16, we set up a Win-Win Agreement regarding use of the family car. ...
We agreed that she would obey the laws of the land and that she would keep the car clean and properly maintained. We agreed that she would use the car only for responsible purposes and would serve as a cab driver for her mother and me within reason. And we also agreed that she would do all her other jobs cheerfully without being reminded. These were our wins. ...
We also agreed that I would provide some resources – the car, gas, and insurance. And we agreed that she would meet weekly with me, usually on Sunday afternoon, to evaluate how she was doing based on our agreement. The consequences were clear. As long as she kept her part of the agreement, she could use the car. If she didn’t keep it, she would lose the privilege until she decided to. ...
This Win-Win Agreement set up clear expectations from the beginning on both our parts. It was a win for her – she got to use the car – and it was certainly a win for Sandra and me. Now she could handle her own transportation needs and even some of ours. We didn’t have to worry about maintaining the car or keeping it clean. And we had a built-in ...
accountability, which meant I didn’t have to hover over her to manage her methods. Her integrity, her conscience, her power of discernment and our high Emotional Bank Account managed her infinitely better. We didn’t have to get emotionally strung out, trying to supervise her every move and coming up with punishments or rewards on the spot if she didn’t do things the way we thought she should. We had a Win-Win Agreement, and it liberated us all. ...
Win-Win Agreements are tremendously liberating. But as the product of isolated techniques, they won’t hold up. Even if you set them up in the beginning, there is no way to maintain them without personal integrity and relationship of trust. ...
A true Win-Win Agreement is the product of the paradigm, the character, and the relationships out of which it grows. In this context, it defines and directs the interdependent interaction of which it was created. ...
Win-win can only survive in an organization when the systems support it. If you talk win-win but reward win-lose, you’ve got a losing program on your hands. ...
You basically get what you reward. If you want to achieve the goals and reflect the values in your mission statement, then you need to align the reward system with these goals and values. If it isn’t aligned systematically, you won’t be walking your talk. You’ll be in the situation of the manager I mentioned earlier who talked cooperation but practiced competition by creating a “Race to Bermuda” contest. ...
I worked for several years with a very large real estate organization in the Middle West. My first experience with this organization was at a large sales rally where over 800 sales associates gathered for the annual reward program. It was a psych-up cheerleading session, complete with high school bands and a great deal of frenzied screaming. ...
Out of the 800 people there, around 40 received awards for top performance, such as “Most Sales,” “Greatest Volume,” “Highest Earned Commissions,” and “Most Listings.” There was a lot of hoopla -excitement, cheering, applause – around the presentation of these awards. There was no doubt that those 40 people had won; but there was also the underlying awareness that 760 people had lost. ...
We immediately began educational and organizational development work to align the systems and structures of the organization toward the win-win paradigm. We involved people at a grass-roots level to develop the kinds of systems that would motivate them. We also encouraged them to cooperate and synergize with each other so that as many as possible could achieve the desired results of their individually tailored performance agreements. ...
At the next rally one year later, there were over 1,000 sales associates present, and about 800 of them received awards. There were a few individual winners based on comparisons, but the program primarily focused on people achieving self-selected performance objectives and on groups achieving team objectives. There was no need to bring in the high school bands to artificially contrive the fanfare, the cheerleading, and the psych up. There was tremendous natural interest and excitement because people could share in each others’ happiness, and teams of sales associates could experience rewards together, including a vacation trip for the entire office. ...
The remarkable thing was that almost all of the 800 who received the awards that year had produced as much per person in terms of volume and profit as the previous year’s ...
40. The spirit of win-win had significantly increased the number of golden eggs and had fed the goose as well, releasing enormous human energy and talent. The resulting synergy was astounding to almost everyone involved. ...
Competition has its place in the marketplace or against last year’s performance -perhaps even against another office or individual where there is no particular interdependence, no need to cooperate. But cooperation in the workplace is as important to free enterprise as competition in the marketplace. The spirit of win-win cannot survive in an environment of competition and contests. ...
For win-win to work, the systems have to support it. The training system, the planning system, the communication system, the budgeting system, the information system, the compensation system – all have to be based on the principle of win-win. ...
I did some consulting for another company that wanted training for their people in human relations. The underlying assumption was that the problem was the people. ...
The president said, “Go into any store you want and see how they treat you. They’re just order takers. They don’t understand how to get close to the customers. They don’t know the product and they don’t have the knowledge and the skill in the sales process necessary to create a marriage between the product and the need.” ...
So I went to the various stores. And he was right. But that still didn’t answer the question in my mind: What caused the attitude? ...
“Look, we’re on top of the problem,” the president said. "We have department heads out there setting a great example. We’ve told them their job is two-thirds selling and onethird management, and they’re outselling everybody. We just want you to provide some training for the salespeople. ...
Those words raised a red flag. “Let’s get some more data,” I said. ...
He didn’t like that. He “knew” what the problem was, and he wanted to get on with training. But I persisted, and within two days we uncovered the real problem. Because of the job definition and the compensation system, the managers were “creaming.” They’d stand behind the cash register and cream all the business during the slow times. Half the time in retail is slow and the other half is frantic. So the managers would give all the dirty jobs – inventory control, stock work, and cleaning – to the salespeople. And they would stand behind the registers and cream. That’s why the department heads were top in sales. ...
So we changed one system – the compensation system – and the problem was corrected overnight. We set up a system whereby the managers only made money when their salespeople made money. We overlapped the needs and goals of the managers with the needs and goals of the salespeople. And the need for human-relations training suddenly disappeared. The key was developing a true win-win reward system. ...
In another instance, I worked with a manager in a company that required formal performance evaluation. He was frustrated over the evaluation rating he had given a particular manager. “He deserved a three,” he said, “but I had to give him a one” (which meant superior, promotable). ...
“What did you give him a one for?” I asked. ...
“He gets the numbers,” was his reply. ...
“So why do you think he deserves a three?” ...
“It’s the way he gets them. He neglects people; he runs over them. He’s a troublemaker.” ...
“It sounds like he’s totally focused on P – on production. And that’s what he’s being rewarded for. But what would happen if you talked with him about the problem, if you helped him understand the importance of PC?” ...
He said he had done so, with no effect. ...
“Then what if you set up a win-win contract with him where you both agreed that twothirds of his compensation would come from P – from numbers – and the other one-third would come from PC – how other people perceive him, what kind of leader, people builder, team builder he is?” ...
“Now that would get his attention,” he replied. ...
So often the problem is in the system, not in the people. If you put good people in bad systems, you get bad results. You have to water the flowers you want to grow. ...
As people really learn to Think Win-Win, they can set up the systems to create and reinforce it. They can transform unnecessarily competitive situations to cooperative ones and can powerfully impact their effectiveness by building both P and PC . ...
In business, executives can align their systems to create teams of highly productive people working together to compete against external standards of performance. In education, teachers can set up grading systems based on an individual’s performance in the context of agreed-upon criteria and can encourage students to cooperate in productive ways to help each other learn and achieve. In families, parents can shift the focus from competition with each other to cooperation. In activities such as bowling, for example, they can keep a family score and try to beat a previous one. They can set up home responsibilities with Win-Win Agreements that eliminate constant nagging and enable parents to do the things only they can do. ...
A friend once shared with me a cartoon he’d seen of two children talking to each other. “If mommy doesn’t get us up soon,” one was saying, “we’re going to be late for school.” These words brought forcibly to his attention the nature of the problems created when families are not organized on a responsible win-win basis. ...
Win-win puts the responsibility on the individual for accomplishing specified results within clear guidelines and available resources. It makes a person accountable to perform and evaluate the results and provides consequences as a natural result of performance. And win-win systems create the environment, which supports and reinforces the WinWin Agreements. ...
Processes ...
There’s no way to achieve win-win ends with win-lose or lose-win means. You can’t say, “You’re going to Think Win-Win, whether you like it or not.” So the question becomes how to arrive at a win-win solution. ...
Roger Fisher and William Ury, two Harvard law professors, have done some outstanding work in what they call the “principled” approach versus the “positional” approach to bargaining in their tremendously useful and insightful book, Getting to Yes. Although the words win-win are not used, the spirit and underlying philosophy of the book are in harmony with the win-win approach. 罗杰·费舍尔和威廉·尤里，两位哈佛法学院教授，在他们极具实用性和洞察力的书籍《达成一致》中，做了一些出色的工作，探讨了他们所称的“原则性”方法与“立场性”方法在谈判中的区别。虽然书中没有使用“双赢”这个词，但其精神和基本哲学与双赢方法是一致的。
They suggest that the essence of principled negotiation is to separate the person from the problem, to focus on interests and not on positions, to invent options for mutual gain, and to insist on objective criteria – some external standard or principle that both parties can buy into. 他们建议，原则性谈判的本质是将人和问题分开，关注利益而不是立场，创造互利的选项，并坚持客观标准——一些双方都能接受的外部标准或原则。
In my own work with various people and organizations seeking win-win solutions, I suggest that they become involved in the following four-step process: First, see the problem from the other point of view. Really seek to understand and give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party as well as or better than they can themselves. Second, identify the key issues and concerns (not positions) involved. Third, determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution. And fourth, identify possible new options to achieve those results. 在我与寻求双赢解决方案的各种人和组织的工作中，我建议他们参与以下四个步骤的过程：首先，从对方的角度看待问题。真正寻求理解并表达对方的需求和关切，甚至比他们自己更好。第二，识别涉及的关键问题和关切（而不是立场）。第三，确定什么样的结果构成一个完全可接受的解决方案。第四，识别实现这些结果的可能新选项。
Habits 5 and 6 deal directly with two of the elements of this process, and we will go into those in depth in the next two chapters. 习惯 5 和 6 直接涉及这个过程的两个要素，我们将在接下来的两章中深入探讨这些内容。
But at this juncture, let me point out the highly interrelated nature of the process of winwin with the essence of win-win itself. You can only achieve win-win solutions with winwin processes – the end and the means are the same. 但在这个时刻，让我指出双赢过程与双赢本质之间高度相关的性质。只有通过双赢过程才能实现双赢解决方案——目的和手段是相同的。
Win-win is not a personality technique. It’s a total paradigm of human interaction. It comes from a character of integrity, maturity, and the Abundance Mentality. It grows out of high-trust relationships. It is embodied in agreements that effectively clarify and manage expectations as well as accomplishments. It thrives in supportive systems. And it is achieved through the process we are now prepared to more fully examine in Habits 5 and 6. 双赢不是一种人格技巧。它是人际互动的整体范式。它源于诚信、成熟和丰盛心态的特质。它源于高度信任的关系。它体现在有效澄清和管理期望以及成就的协议中。它在支持性系统中蓬勃发展。它是通过我们现在准备更全面审视的习惯 5 和习惯 6 的过程实现的。
Application Suggestions: 应用建议：
Think about an upcoming interaction wherein you will be attempting to reach an agreement or negotiate a solution. Commit to maintain a balance between courage and consideration. 考虑即将进行的互动，在其中你将尝试达成协议或协商解决方案。承诺在勇气和考虑之间保持平衡。
Make a list of obstacles that keep you from applying the win-win paradigm more frequently. Determine what could be done within your Circle of Influence to eliminate some of those obstacles. 列出阻止你更频繁地应用双赢范式的障碍。确定在你的影响圈内可以做些什么来消除其中一些障碍。
Select a specific relationship where you would like to develop a Win-Win Agreement. Try to put yourself in the other person’s place, and write down explicitly how you think that person sees the solution. Then list, from your own perspective, what results would constitute a win for you. Approach the other person and ask if he or she would be willing to communicate until you reach a point of agreement and mutually beneficial solution. 选择一个特定的关系，您希望在其中制定双赢协议。尽量站在对方的角度，明确写下您认为对方如何看待解决方案。然后，从您自己的角度列出哪些结果对您来说是一个胜利。接近对方，询问他或她是否愿意进行沟通，直到您们达成一致和互利的解决方案。
Identify three key relationships in your life. Give some indication of what you feel the balance is in each of the Emotional Bank Accounts. Write down some specific ways you could make deposits in each account. 识别你生活中的三个关键关系。给出你对每个情感银行账户的平衡感的某些指示。写下你可以在每个账户中存入的具体方式。
Deeply consider your own scripting. Is it win-lose? How does that scripting affect your interactions with other people? Can you identify the main source of that script? Determine whether or not those scripts serve well in your current reality. 深入考虑你自己的脚本。它是双输吗？这种脚本如何影响你与他人的互动？你能识别出这个脚本的主要来源吗？确定这些脚本在你当前的现实中是否有效。
Try to identify a model of win-win thinking who, even in hard situations, really seeks mutual benefit. Determine now to more closely watch and learn from this person’s example. 尝试识别一个双赢思维的典范，即使在困难情况下，仍然真正寻求互惠互利的人。现在决定更密切地观察并学习这个人的榜样。
Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood TM 习惯 5：先理解，再被理解 TM
Principles of Empathic Communication 同理心沟通原则
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of. 心有其理由，而理智却无法理解。
–Pascal
Suppose you’ve been having trouble with your eyes and you decide to go to an optometrist for help. After briefly listening to your complaint, he takes off his glasses and hands them to you. 假设你一直在眼睛上有问题，你决定去看验光师寻求帮助。在简要听取了你的投诉后，他摘下眼镜递给你。
“Put these on,” he says. “I’ve worn this pair of glasses for 10 years now and they’ve really helped me. I have an extra pair at home; you can wear these.” “戴上这些，”他说。“我已经戴了这副眼镜 10 年了，它们真的帮了我很多。我家里还有一副备用的；你可以戴这些。”
So you put them on, but it only makes the problem worse 所以你把它们戴上，但这只会让问题更糟
“This is terrible!” you exclaim. “I can’t see a thing!” “这太糟糕了！”你喊道。“我什么也看不见！”
“Well, what’s wrong?” he asks. “They work great for me. Try harder.” “好吧，怎么了？”他问。“对我来说它们很好用。再努力一点。”
“I am trying,” you insist. “Everything is a blur.” “我在努力，”你坚持说。“一切都模糊不清。”
“Well, what’s the matter with you? Think positively.” “那么，你怎么了？要积极一点。”
“Okay. I positively can’t see a thing.” “好的。我完全看不见任何东西。”
“Boy, you are ungrateful!” he chides. “And after all I’ve done to help you!” “孩子，你真是不知感恩！”他责备道。“而我为你所做的一切！”
What are the chances you’d go back to that optometrist the next time you need help? Not very good, I would imagine. You don’t have much confidence in someone who doesn’t diagnose before he or she prescribes. 下次你需要帮助时，你回去找那个验光师的机会有多大？我想不是很好。你对一个在开处方之前不进行诊断的人没有太多信心。
But how often do we diagnose before we prescribe in communication? 但我们在沟通中有多频繁地在开处方之前进行诊断呢？
“Come on, honey, tell me how you feel. I know it’s hard, but I’ll try to understand.” “来吧，亲爱的，告诉我你的感受。我知道这很难，但我会尽量理解。”
“Oh, I don’t know, Mom. You’d think it was stupid.” “哦，我不知道，妈妈。你会觉得这很愚蠢。”
“Of course I wouldn’t! You can tell me. Honey, no one cares for you as much as I do. I’m only interested in your welfare. What’s making you so unhappy?” “当然我不会！你可以告诉我。亲爱的，没有人像我一样关心你。我只关心你的幸福。是什么让你如此不快乐？”
“Oh, I don’t know.” “哦，我不知道。”
“Come on, honey. What is it?” “来吧，亲爱的。怎么了？”
“Well, to tell you the truth, I just don’t like school anymore.” “嗯，老实说，我就是不喜欢学校了。”
“What?” you respond incredulously. “What do you mean you don’t like school? And after all the sacrifices we’ve made for your education! Education is the foundation of your future. If you’d apply yourself like your older sister does, you’d do better and then you’d like school. Time and time again, we’ve told you to settle down. You’ve got the ability, but you just don’t apply yourself. Try harder. Get a positive attitude about it.” “什么？”你 incredulously 地回应。“你是什么意思，你不喜欢学校？在我们为你的教育所做的所有牺牲之后！教育是你未来的基础。如果你像你姐姐那样努力，你会做得更好，然后你会喜欢学校。我们一次又一次地告诉你要安定下来。你有能力，但你就是不努力。再努力一点。对这件事保持积极的态度。”
Pause 暂停
“Now go ahead. Tell me how you feel.” “现在继续。告诉我你的感受。”
We have such a tendency to rush in, to fix things up with good advice. But we often fail to take the time to diagnose, to really, deeply understand the problem first. 我们有一种急于行动的倾向，总是想用好的建议来解决问题。但我们常常没有花时间去诊断，去真正、深入地理解问题。
If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication. 如果让我用一句话总结我在人际关系领域学到的最重要的原则，那就是：首先寻求理解，然后再寻求被理解。这个原则是有效人际沟通的关键。
Character and Communication 角色与沟通
Right now, you’re reading a book I’ve written. Reading and writing are both forms of communication. So are speaking and listening. In fact, those are the four basic types of communication. And think of all the hours you spend doing at least one of those four things. The ability to do them well is absolutely critical to your effectiveness. 现在，你正在阅读我写的一本书。阅读和写作都是沟通的形式。说话和倾听也是如此。事实上，这四种都是基本的沟通方式。想想你花了多少小时在这四件事情中的至少一件上。做好这些事情的能力对你的有效性至关重要。
Communication is the most important skill in life. We spend most of our waking hours communicating. But consider this: You’ve spent years learning how to read and write, years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training or education have you had that enables you to listen so that you really, deeply understand another human being from that individual’s own frame of reference? 沟通是生活中最重要的技能。我们大部分清醒的时间都在沟通。但想想这一点：你花了多年时间学习如何阅读和写作，花了多年时间学习如何说话。但听呢？你接受过什么培训或教育，使你能够倾听，从而真正、深入地理解另一个人从那个个体自己的视角出发的想法？
Comparatively few people have had any training in listening at all. And, for the most part, their training has been in the personality ethic of technique, truncated from the character base and the relationship base absolutely vital to authentic understanding of another person. 相对较少的人接受过任何听力训练。而且，在大多数情况下，他们的训练仅限于技巧的人格伦理，完全脱离了对他人真实理解至关重要的性格基础和关系基础。
If you want to interact effectively with me, to influence me – your spouse, your child, your neighbor, your boss, your coworker, your friend – you first need to understand me. And you can’t do that with technique alone. If I sense you’re using some technique, I sense duplicity, manipulation. I wonder why you’re doing it, what your motives are. And I don’t feel safe enough to open myself up to you. 如果你想有效地与我互动，影响我——你的配偶、你的孩子、你的邻居、你的老板、你的同事、你的朋友——你首先需要理解我。而仅仅依靠技巧是无法做到的。如果我感觉到你在使用某种技巧，我会感到虚伪和操控。我会想知道你为什么这样做，你的动机是什么。而我也不会感到足够安全去向你敞开心扉。
The real key to your influence with me is your example, your actual conduct. Your example flows naturally out of your character, of the kind of person you truly are – not what others say you are or what you may want me to think you are. It is evident in how I actually experience you. 你对我的影响力的真正关键在于你的榜样，你的实际行为。你的榜样自然流露出你的性格，流露出你真正的为人——而不是别人所说的你是什么样的人，或是你希望我认为你是什么样的人。这在我实际体验你的过程中显而易见。
Your character is constantly radiating, communicating. From it, in the long run, I come to instinctively trust or distrust you and your efforts with me. 你的角色不断地散发着信息，进行着交流。从长远来看，我会本能地信任或不信任你和你对我的努力。
If your life runs hot and cold, if you’re both caustic and kind, and, above all, if your private performance doesn’t square with your public performance, it’s very hard for me to open up with you. Then, as much as I may want and even need to receive your love 如果你的生活时好时坏，如果你既尖刻又善良，最重要的是，如果你的私下表现与公众表现不一致，那么我很难向你敞开心扉。尽管我可能非常想要甚至需要接受你的爱。
and influence, I don’t feel safe enough to expose my opinions and experiences and my tender feelings. Who knows what will happen? 和影响，我觉得不够安全，无法表达我的观点和经历以及我脆弱的感受。谁知道会发生什么呢？
But unless I open up with you, unless you understand me and my unique situation and feelings, you won’t know how to advise or counsel me. What you say is good and fine, but it doesn’t quite pertain to me. 但除非我向你敞开心扉，除非你理解我和我独特的处境与感受，否则你不会知道如何给我建议或辅导。你说的很好，但并不完全适用于我。
You may say you care about and appreciate me. I desperately want to believe that. But how can you appreciate me when you don’t even understand me? All I have are your words, and I can’t trust words. 你可能会说你关心我并欣赏我。我非常想相信这一点。但当你连我都不理解时，你怎么能欣赏我呢？我所拥有的只有你的话，而我无法信任这些话。
I’m too angry and defensive – perhaps too guilty and afraid – to be influenced, even though inside I know I need what you could tell me. 我太生气和防御了——也许太内疚和害怕——以至于无法被影响，尽管我内心知道我需要你能告诉我的东西。
Unless you’re influenced by my uniqueness, I’m not going to be influenced by your advice. So if you want to be really effective in the habit of interpersonal communication, you cannot do it with technique alone. You have to build the skills of empathic listening on a base of character that inspires openness and trust. And you have to build the Emotional Bank Accounts that create a commerce between hearts. 除非你受到我的独特性的影响，否则我不会受到你的建议的影响。因此，如果你想在人际沟通的习惯中真正有效，仅靠技巧是无法做到的。你必须在激发开放和信任的品格基础上建立同理倾听的技能。你还必须建立情感银行账户，以在心灵之间创造交流。
Empathic Listening 同理心倾听
“Seek first to understand” involves a very deep shift in paradigm. We typically seek first to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak. They’re filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives. “首先寻求理解”涉及一种非常深刻的范式转变。我们通常首先寻求被理解。大多数人并不是带着理解的意图去倾听；他们是带着回应的意图去倾听。他们要么在说话，要么在准备说话。他们通过自己的范式过滤一切，把自己的自传读入他人的生活中。
“Oh, I know exactly how you feel!” “哦，我完全知道你的感受！”
“I went through the very same thing. Let me tell you about my experience.” “我经历过完全相同的事情。让我告诉你我的经历。”
They’re constantly projecting their own home movies onto other people’s behavior. They prescribe their own glasses for everyone with whom they interact. 他们不断将自己的家庭电影投射到他人的行为上。他们为与之互动的每个人开处方自己的眼镜。
If they have a problem with someone – a son, a daughter, a spouse, an employee – their attitude is, “That person just doesn’t understand.” 如果他们与某人——一个儿子、一个女儿、一个配偶、一名员工——有问题，他们的态度是：“那个人就是不理解。”
A father once told me, “I can’t understand my kid. He just won’t listen to me at all.” 一个父亲曾告诉我：“我无法理解我的孩子。他根本不听我说话。”
“Let me restate what you just said,” I replied. “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?” “让我重申一下你刚才说的话，”我回答道。“你不理解你的儿子，因为他不听你说话？”
“That’s right,” he replied. “没错，”他回答道。
“Let me try again,” I said. “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?” “让我再试一次，”我说。“你不理解你的儿子，因为他不听你说话？”
“That’s what I said,” he impatiently replied. “我就是这么说的，”他不耐烦地回答。
“I thought that to understand another person, you needed to listen to him,” I suggested. “我认为要理解另一个人，你需要倾听他，”我建议道。
“OH!” he said. There was a long pause. “Oh!” he said again, as the light began to dawn. “Oh, yeah! But I do understand him. I know what he’s going through. I went through the same thing myself. I guess what I don’t understand is why he won’t listen to me.” “哦！”他说。沉默了很久。“哦！”他再次说道，随着光明开始显现。“哦，是的！但我确实理解他。我知道他正在经历什么。我自己也经历过同样的事情。我想我不理解的是为什么他不愿意听我说。”
This man didn’t have the vaguest idea of what was really going on inside his boy’s head. He looked into his own head and thought he saw the world, including his boy. 这个男人对他儿子脑海中真正发生的事情毫无头绪。他看着自己的脑海，认为自己看到了整个世界，包括他的儿子。
That’s the case with so many of us. We’re filled with our own rightness, our own autobiography. We want to be understood. Our conversations become collective monologues, and we never really understand what’s going on inside another human being. 这就是我们许多人的情况。我们充满了自己的正确性，自己的自传。我们想要被理解。我们的对话变成了集体独白，我们从未真正理解另一个人内心发生的事情。
When another person speaks, we’re usually “listening” at one of four levels. We may be ignoring another person, not really listening at all. We may practice pretending. “Yeah. Uh-huh. Right.” 当另一个人说话时，我们通常在四个层次之一“倾听”。我们可能在忽视另一个人，根本没有真正倾听。我们可能在假装。“是的。嗯哼。对。”
We may practice selective listening, hearing only certain parts of the constant chatter of a preschool child. Or we may even practice attentive listening, paying attention and focusing energy on the words that are being said. But very few of us ever practice the fifth level, the highest form of listening, empathic listening. 我们可能会进行选择性倾听，只听到学龄前儿童不断喋喋不休的某些部分。或者我们甚至可能会进行专注倾听，关注并集中精力于所说的话。但很少有人会练习第五层次，即最高形式的倾听——共情倾听。
When I say empathic listening, I am not referring to the techniques of “active” listening or “reflective” listening, which basically involve mimicking what another person says. That kind of listening is skill-based, truncated from character and relationship, and often insults those “listened” to in such a way. It is also essentially autobiographical. If you practice those techniques, you may not project your autobiography in the actual interaction, but your motive in listening is autobiographical. You listen with reflective skills, but you listen with intent to reply, to control, to manipulate. 当我说同理倾听时，我并不是指“主动”倾听或“反思”倾听的技巧，这基本上涉及模仿另一个人所说的话。这种倾听是基于技能的，缺乏个性和关系，往往以这种方式侮辱那些被“倾听”的人。它本质上也是自传式的。如果你练习这些技巧，你可能在实际互动中不会投射你的自传，但你倾听的动机是自传式的。你用反思技能倾听，但你倾听的目的是为了回应、控制、操纵。
When I say empathic listening, I mean listening with intent to understand. I mean seeking first to understand, to really understand. It’s an entirely different paradigm. 当我说同理倾听时，我是指带着理解的意图去倾听。我是指首先寻求理解，真正理解。这是一个完全不同的范式。
Empathic (from empathy) listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel. 同理心（来自同理心）的倾听能够进入另一个人的参考框架。你透过这个框架看出去，看到他们所看到的世界，理解他们的范式，理解他们的感受。
Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is a form of agreement, a form of judgment. And it is sometimes the more appropriate emotion and response. But people often feed on sympathy. It makes them dependent. The essence of empathic listening is not that you agree with someone; it’s that you fully, deeply, understand that person, emotionally as well as intellectually. 同理心不是同情。同情是一种认同，一种判断。有时这是一种更合适的情感和反应。但人们常常依赖同情。这使他们变得依赖。同理倾听的本质并不是你同意某人，而是你完全、深刻地理解那个人，无论是情感上还是智力上。
Empathic listening involves much more than registering, reflecting, or even understanding the words that are said. Communications experts estimate, in fact, that only 10 percent of our communication is represented by the words we say. Another 30 percent is represented by our sounds, and 60 percent by our body language. In empathic listening, you listen with your ears, but you also, and more importantly, listen with your eyes and with your heart. You listen for feeling, for meaning. You listen for behavior. You use your right brain as well as your left. You sense, you intuit, you feel. 同理倾听涉及的内容远不止于注册、反映或甚至理解所说的话。实际上，沟通专家估计，我们沟通中只有 10%的内容是通过我们所说的话来表达的。另有 30%通过我们的声音来表达，60%则通过我们的肢体语言来表达。在同理倾听中，你用耳朵倾听，但更重要的是，你用眼睛和心灵倾听。你倾听情感，倾听意义。你倾听行为。你同时使用右脑和左脑。你感知，你直觉，你感受。
Empathic listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thought, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart. 同理倾听是如此强大，因为它为你提供了准确的数据来处理。你不是在投射自己的自传，假设他人的思想、感受、动机和解读，而是在处理另一个人内心和心灵中的现实。
You’re listening to understand. You’re focused on receiving the deep communication of another human soul. 你在倾听以理解。你专注于接收另一个人灵魂的深层交流。
In addition, empathic listening is the key to making deposits in Emotional Bank Accounts, because nothing you do is a deposit unless the other person perceives it as such. You can work your fingers to the bone to make a deposit, only to have it turn into a withdrawal when a person regards your efforts as manipulative, self-serving, intimidating, or condescending because you don’t understand what really matters to him. 此外，富有同理心的倾听是向情感银行账户存款的关键，因为你所做的任何事情，只有在对方将其视为存款时，才算真正的存款。你可以拼尽全力去存款，但当一个人将你的努力视为操控、自私、威胁或居高临下时，这些努力就会变成取款，因为你并不理解对他来说真正重要的是什么。
Empathic listening is, in and of itself, a tremendous deposit in the Emotional Bank Account. It’s deeply therapeutic and healing because it gives a person "psychological air. 同理倾听本身就是情感银行账户中的一笔巨大的存款。它具有深刻的治疗和愈合作用，因为它为一个人提供了“心理空气”。
If all the air were suddenly sucked out of the room you’re in right now, what would happen to your interest in this book? You wouldn’t care about the book; you wouldn’t care about anything except getting air. Survival would be your only motivation. 如果你现在所在的房间里的空气突然被抽走，你对这本书的兴趣会发生什么变化？你不会在乎这本书；你不会在乎任何事情，除了获取空气。生存将是你唯一的动力。
But now that you have air, it doesn’t motivate you. This is one of the greatest insights in the field of human motivations: Satisfied needs do not motivate. It’s only the unsatisfied need that motivates. Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival – to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. 但现在你有了空气，这并不能激励你。这是人类动机领域最伟大的洞察之一：满足的需求不会激励。只有未满足的需求才会激励。除了生理生存之外，人类最大的需求是心理生存——被理解、被肯定、被验证、被欣赏。
When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. And after that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem solving. 当你以同理心倾听另一个人时，你给了那个人心理上的支持。在满足了这一重要需求后，你就可以专注于影响或解决问题。
This need for psychological air impacts communication in every area of life. 这种对心理空间的需求影响着生活各个领域的沟通。
I taught this concept at a seminar in Chicago one time, and I instructed the participants to practice empathic listening during the evening. The next morning, a man came up to me almost bursting with news. 我曾在芝加哥的一次研讨会上教授这个概念，并指示参与者在晚上练习同理心倾听。第二天早上，一个男人走到我面前，几乎要迫不及待地分享消息。
“Let me tell you what happened last night,” he said. "I was trying to close a big commercial real estate deal while I was here in Chicago. I met with the principals, their attorneys, and another real estate agent who had just been brought in with an alternative proposal. “让我告诉你昨晚发生了什么，”他说。“我在芝加哥的时候，试图达成一笔大型商业房地产交易。我与主要负责人、他们的律师以及刚刚被引入的另一位房地产经纪人会面，他提出了一个替代方案。”
"It looked as if I were going to lose the deal. I had been working on this deal for over six months and, in a very real sense, all my eggs were in this one basket. All of them. I panicked. I did everything I could – I pulled out all the stops – I used every sales technique I could. The final stop was to say, ‘Could we delay this decision just a little longer?’ But the momentum was so strong and they were so disgusted by having this thing go on so long, it was obvious they were going to close. “看起来我将要失去这笔交易。我已经为这笔交易工作了超过六个月，从某种意义上说，我的所有希望都寄托在这一篮子里。所有的希望。我感到恐慌。我尽我所能地做了一切——我竭尽全力——我使用了所有的销售技巧。最后的办法是问，‘我们能否再稍微推迟一下这个决定？’但势头太强劲，他们对这件事情拖延如此之久感到非常厌恶，很明显他们要成交了。”
"So I said to myself, ‘Well, why not try it? Why not practice what I learned today and seek first to understand, then to be understood? I’ve got nothing to lose.’ “所以我对自己说，‘好吧，为什么不试试呢？为什么不先理解，然后再被理解，来实践我今天学到的东西呢？我没有什么好失去的。’”
"I just said to the man, ‘Let me see if I really understand what your position is and what your concerns about my recommendations really are. When you feel I understand them, then we’ll see whether my proposal has any relevance or not.’ “我刚对那个人说，‘让我看看我是否真的理解你的立场以及你对我的建议的担忧。当你觉得我理解它们时，我们再看看我的提议是否有任何相关性。’”
"I really tried to put myself in his shoes. I tried to verbalize his needs and concerns, and he began to open up. “我真的试着站在他的角度考虑问题。我试着表达他的需求和担忧，他开始敞开心扉。”
"The more I sensed and expressed the things he was worried about, the results he anticipated, the more he opened up. “我越是感知并表达他担心的事情和他预期的结果，他就越敞开心扉。”
"Finally, in the middle of our conversation, he stood up, walked over to the phone, and dialed his wife. Putting his hand over the mouthpiece, he said, ‘You’ve got the deal.’ “最后，在我们谈话的中间，他站起来，走到电话旁，拨打了他妻子的电话。他用手遮住话筒，说：‘你已经达成交易了。’”
“I was totally dumbfounded,” he told me. "I still am this morning. “我完全震惊了，”他告诉我。“今天早上我仍然是这样。”
He had made a huge deposit in the Emotional Bank Account by giving the man psychological air. When it comes right down to it, other things being relatively equal, the human dynamic is more important than the technical dimensions of the deal. 他通过给予那个人心理支持，在情感银行账户中存入了巨额的存款。说到底，在其他条件相对相等的情况下，人际动态比交易的技术层面更为重要。
Seeking first to understand, diagnosing before you prescribe, is hard. It’s so much easier in the short run to hand someone a pair of glasses that have fit you so well these many years. 首先寻求理解，在开处方之前进行诊断，这很困难。在短期内，给某人一副多年来非常适合你的眼镜要容易得多。
But in the long run, it severely depletes both P and PC. You can’t achieve maximum interdependent production from an inaccurate understanding of where other people are coming from. And you can’t have interpersonal PC – high Emotional Bank Accounts – if the people you relate with don’t really feel understood. 但从长远来看，这会严重耗尽 P 和 PC。你无法从对他人出发点的不准确理解中实现最大程度的相互依赖生产。而如果你所交往的人并不真正感到被理解，你就无法拥有人际 PC——高情感银行账户。
Empathic listening is also risky. It takes a great deal of security to go into a deep listening experience because you open yourself up to be influenced. You become vulnerable. It’s a paradox, in a sense, because in order to have influence, you have to be influenced. That means you have to really understand. 同理倾听也是有风险的。进入深度倾听体验需要很大的安全感，因为你会开放自己以接受影响。你变得脆弱。从某种意义上说，这是一种悖论，因为要有影响力，你必须被影响。这意味着你必须真正理解。
That’s why Habits 1, 2, and 3 are so foundational. They give you the changeless inner core, the principle center, from which you can handle the more outward vulnerability with peace and strength. 这就是为什么习惯 1、2 和 3 如此基础。它们为你提供了不变的内在核心，原则中心，从中你可以以平和和力量应对更外在的脆弱。
Diagnose Before You Prescribe 在开处方之前进行诊断
Although it’s risky and hard, seek first to understand, or diagnose before you prescribe, is a correct principle manifesting many areas of life. It’s the mark of all true professionals. It’s critical for the optometrist, it’s critical for the physician. You wouldn’t have any confidence in a doctor’s prescription unless you had confidence in the diagnosis 虽然这很冒险且困难，但首先寻求理解或诊断再开处方是一个在生活许多领域中体现的正确原则。这是所有真正专业人士的标志。这对验光师至关重要，对医生也至关重要。除非你对诊断有信心，否则你不会对医生的处方有任何信心。
When our daughter Jenny was only two months old, she was sick on Saturday, the day of a football game in our community that dominated the consciousness of almost everyone. It was an important game – some 60,000 people were there. Sandra and I would like to have gone, but we didn’t want to leave little Jenny. Her vomiting and diarrhea had us concerned 当我们的女儿珍妮只有两个月大时，她在星期六生病了，那天是我们社区一场几乎所有人都关注的足球比赛。那是一场重要的比赛——大约有 60,000 人到场。桑德拉和我本想去，但我们不想离开小珍妮。她的呕吐和腹泻让我们很担心。
The doctor was at that game. He wasn’t our personal physician, but he was the one on call. When Jenny’s situation got worse, we decided we needed some medical advice 医生在那场比赛上。他不是我们的私人医生，但他是值班医生。当珍妮的情况恶化时，我们决定需要一些医疗建议。
Sandra dialed the stadium and had him paged. It was right at a critical time in the game, and she could sense on officious tone in his voice. “Yes?” he said briskly. “What is it?” 桑德拉拨打了体育场的电话，让他被叫到。此时正是比赛的关键时刻，她能感觉到他语气中的官方色彩。“是吗？”他干脆地说。“有什么事？”
“This is Mrs. Covey, Doctor, and we’re concerned about our daughter, Jenny.” “这是科维夫人，医生，我们对我们的女儿珍妮感到担忧。”
“What’s the situation?” he asked. “情况怎么样？”他问。
Sandra described the symptoms and he said, “Okay. I’ll call in a prescription. Which is your pharmacy?” 桑德拉描述了症状，他说：“好的。我会开一个处方。你们的药店是哪家？”
When she hung up, Sandra felt that in her rush she hadn’t really given him full data, but that what she had told him was adequate. 当她挂断电话时，桑德拉觉得自己在匆忙中并没有真正给他提供完整的信息，但她告诉他的内容是足够的。
“Do you think he realizes that Jenny is just a newborn?” I asked her “你觉得他意识到珍妮只是个新生儿吗？”我问她
“I’m sure he does,” Sandra replied. “我相信他是这样，”桑德拉回答道。
“But he’s not our doctor. He’s never even treated her.” “但他不是我们的医生。他甚至从未治疗过她。”
“Well, I’m pretty sure he knows.” “好吧，我很确定他知道。”
“Are you willing to give her the medicine unless you’re absolutely sure he knows?” “除非你绝对确定他知道，否则你愿意给她药吗？”
Sandra was silent. “What are we going to do?” she finally said. 桑德拉沉默不语。“我们该怎么办？”她终于说道。
“Call him back,” I said. “给他回电话，”我说。
“You call him back,” Sandra replied. “你给他回电话，”桑德拉回答道。
So I did. He was paged out of the game once again. “Doctor,” I said, “when you called in that prescription, did your realize that Jenny is just two months old?” 所以我这样做了。他再次被叫出比赛。“医生，”我说，“当你开这个处方时，你意识到珍妮才两个月大吗？”
“No!” he exclaimed. “I didn’t realize that. It’s good you called me back. I’ll change the prescription immediately.” “不要！”他惊呼道。“我没意识到这一点。你能给我回电话真好。我会立即更改处方。”
If you don’t have confidence in the diagnosis, you won’t have confidence in the prescription. 如果你对诊断没有信心，你就不会对处方有信心。
This principle is also true in sales. An effective salesperson first seeks to understand the needs, the concerns, the situation of the customer. The amateur salesman sells products; the professional sells solutions to needs and problems. It’s a totally different approach. The professional learns how to diagnose, how to understand. He also learns how to relate people’s needs to his products and services. And, he has to have the integrity to say, “My product or service will not meet that need” if it will not. 这个原则在销售中也是适用的。一个有效的销售人员首先寻求了解客户的需求、关注点和情况。业余销售员销售产品；专业销售员销售需求和问题的解决方案。这是一个完全不同的方法。专业人士学习如何诊断，如何理解。他还学习如何将人们的需求与他的产品和服务联系起来。而且，他必须有诚信地说：“我的产品或服务无法满足这个需求”，如果它确实无法满足。
Diagnosing before you prescribe is also fundamental to law. The professional lawyer first gathers the facts to understand the situation, to understand the laws and precedents, before preparing a case.A good lawyer almost writes the opposing attorney’s case before he writes his own. 在开处方之前进行诊断也是法律的基本原则。专业律师首先收集事实以了解情况，理解法律和先例，然后再准备案件。一位优秀的律师几乎在撰写自己的案件之前就已经写好了对方律师的案件。
It’s also true in product design. Can you imagine someone in a company saying, “This consumer research stuff is for the birds. Let’s design products.” In other words, forget understanding the consumer’s buying habits and motives – just design products. It would never work. 这在产品设计中也是如此。你能想象公司里有人说：“这些消费者研究的东西毫无意义。我们来设计产品吧。”换句话说，忘记理解消费者的购买习惯和动机——只管设计产品。这是绝对行不通的。
A good engineer will understand the forces, the stresses at work, before designing the bridge. A good teacher will assess the class before teaching. A good student will understand before he applies. A good parent will understand before evaluation or judging. The key to good judgment is understanding. By judging first, a person will never fully understand. 一个好的工程师在设计桥梁之前会理解作用的力量和应力。一个好的老师在教学之前会评估班级。一个好的学生在应用之前会理解。一个好的父母在评估或判断之前会理解。良好判断的关键是理解。先判断的人永远无法完全理解。
Seek first to understand is a correct principle evident in all areas of life. It’s a generic, common-denominator principle, but it has its greatest power in the area of interpersonal relations. 首先寻求理解是一个在生活各个领域都显而易见的正确原则。这是一个通用的、共同的原则，但它在人际关系领域的力量最大。
Four Autobiographical Responses 四个自传式回应
Because we listen autobiographically, we tend to respond in one of four ways. We evaluate – we either agree or disagree; we probe – we ask questions from our own frame of reference; we advise – we give counsel based on our own experience; or we interpret -we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior. 因为我们以自传的方式倾听，我们倾向于以四种方式之一作出回应。我们评估——我们要么同意，要么不同意；我们探究——我们从自己的视角提出问题；我们建议——我们根据自己的经验提供建议；或者我们解释——我们试图理解他人，解释他们的动机和行为，基于我们自己的动机和行为。
These responses come naturally to us. We are deeply scripted in them; we live around models of them all the time. But how do they affect our ability to really understand? 这些反应对我们来说是自然而然的。我们在这些反应中深深扎根；我们一直生活在它们的模型中。但是，它们如何影响我们真正理解的能力呢？
If I’m trying to communicate with my son, can he feel free to open himself up to me when I evaluate everything he says before he really explains it? Am I giving him psychological air? 如果我试图与我的儿子沟通，当我在他真正解释之前评估他所说的一切时，他能否自由地向我敞开心扉？我是在给他心理上的空间吗？
And how does he feel when I probe? Probing is playing 20 questions. It’s autobiographical, it controls, and it invades. It’s also logical, and the language of logic is different from the language of sentiment and emotion. You can play 20 questions all day and not find out what’s important to someone. Constant probing is one of the main reasons parents do not get close to their children. 他在我探询时感觉如何？探询就像玩 20 个问题。这是自传式的，它控制并侵入。它也是合乎逻辑的，而逻辑的语言与情感和情绪的语言是不同的。你可以整天玩 20 个问题，却无法了解对某人来说重要的是什么。不断的探询是父母与孩子之间无法亲近的主要原因之一。
“How’s it going, son?” “儿子，最近怎么样？”
“Fine.” “好。”
“Well, what’s been happening lately?” “最近发生了什么？”
“Nothing.” “什么都没有。”
“So what’s exciting at school?” “那么在学校有什么令人兴奋的事情？”
“Not much.” “没什么。”
“And what are your plans for the weekend?” “你周末有什么计划？”
“I don’t know.” “我不知道。”
You can’t get him off the phone talking with his friends, but all he gives you is one- and two-word answers. Your house is a motel where he eats and sleeps, but he never shares, never opens up. 你无法让他挂掉和朋友通话的电话，但他给你的只是一个字和两个字的回答。你的家就像一个旅馆，他在这里吃饭和睡觉，但他从不分享，从不敞开心扉。
And when you think about it, honestly, why should he, if every time he does open up his soft underbelly, you elephant stomp it with autobiographical advice and “I told you so’s.” 而当你仔细想想，老实说，他为什么要这样做，如果每次他敞开他的软肚子时，你都用自传式的建议和“我早就告诉过你”的话来踩踏它。
We are so deeply scripted in these responses that we don’t even realize when we use them. I have taught this concept to thousands of people in seminars across the country, and it never fails to shock them deeply as we role-play empathic listening situations and they finally begin to listen to their own typical responses. But as they begin to see how they normally respond and learn how to listen with empathy, they can see the dramatic 我们在这些反应中被深深编程，以至于我们甚至没有意识到何时使用它们。我在全国的研讨会上向数千人教授这个概念，每当我们角色扮演同理倾听的情境时，他们总是会深感震惊，最终开始倾听自己典型的反应。但当他们开始看到自己通常的反应并学习如何以同理心倾听时，他们可以看到戏剧性的变化。
results in communication. To many, seek first to understand becomes the most exciting, the most immediately applicable, of all the Seven Habits. 在沟通中产生结果。对许多人来说，首先寻求理解成为七个习惯中最令人兴奋、最直接适用的习惯。
Let’s take a look at what well might be a typical communication between a father and his teenage son. Look at the father’s words in terms of the four different responses we have just described. 让我们来看看父亲和他十几岁儿子之间可能发生的典型交流。请从我们刚刚描述的四种不同反应的角度来看父亲的话。
“Boy, Dad, I’ve had it! School is for the birds!” “哎呀，爸爸，我受够了！上学真是无聊！”
“What’s the matter, Son?” (probing). “怎么了，儿子？”（探询）
“It’s totally impractical. I don’t get a thing out of it.” “这完全不切实际。我从中得不到任何东西。”
“Well, you just can’t see the benefits yet, Son. I felt the same way when I was your age.” I remember thinking what a waste some of the classes were. But those classes turned out to be the most helpful to me later on. Just hang in there. Give it some time" (advising). “好吧，你现在就是看不到好处，儿子。我在你这个年纪的时候也有同样的感觉。”我记得当时觉得有些课程真是浪费时间。但那些课程后来对我帮助最大。坚持一下，给它一些时间。”（建议）
“I’ve given it 10 years of my life! Can you tell me what good 'x plus yy ’ is going to be to me as an auto mechanic?” “我已经为此付出了 10 年的生命！你能告诉我作为一名汽车修理工，'x plus yy ' 对我有什么好处吗？”
“An auto mechanic? You’ve got to be kidding” (evaluating). “一个汽车修理工？你一定是在开玩笑。” (评估中)。
“No, I’m not. Look at Joe. He’s quit school. He’s working on cars. And he’s making lots of money. Now that’s practical.” “不，我不是。看看乔。他已经退学了。他在修车。而且他赚了很多钱。那才是实用的。”
“It may look that way now. But several years down the road, Joe’s going to wish he’d stayed in school. You don’t want to be an auto mechanic. You need an education to prepare you for something better than that” (advising). “现在看起来可能是这样。但几年后，乔会希望他当初留在学校。你不想成为一名汽车修理工。你需要教育来为更好的未来做好准备。”（建议）
“I don’t know. Joe’s got a pretty good set-up.” “我不知道。乔的安排挺不错的。”
“Look, Son, have you really tried?” (probing, evaluating). “看，儿子，你真的尝试过吗？”（探究，评估）。
“I’ve been in high school two years now. Sure I’ve tried. It’s just a waste.” “我已经上了两年高中。确实我尝试过。只是浪费时间。”
“That’s a highly respected school, Son. Give them a little credit” (advising, evaluating). “那是一所备受尊敬的学校，儿子。给他们一点认可。”（建议，评估）
“Well, the other guys feel the same way I do.” “好吧，其他人也和我有同样的感觉。”
"Do you realize how many sacrifices your mother and I have made to get you to where you are? “你知道我和你母亲为了让你达到现在的状态付出了多少牺牲吗？”
You can’t quit when you’ve come this far" (evaluating). “你不能在走到这一步时放弃”（评估）。
“I know you’ve sacrificed, Dad. But it’s just not worth it.” “Look, maybe if you spent more time doing your homework and less time in front of TV.” (advising, evaluating). “我知道你牺牲了，爸爸。但这真的不值得。” “听着，也许如果你花更多时间做作业，而不是在电视前。”（建议，评估）。
“Look, Dad. It’s just no good. Oh, never mind! I don’t want to talk about this anyway.” “看，爸爸。这实在没什么好说的。哦，算了！我反正不想谈这个。”
Obviously, his father was well intended. Obviously, he wanted to help. But did he even begin toreally understand? 显然，他的父亲是出于好意。显然，他想要帮助。但他是否真的开始理解了呢？
Let’s look more carefully at the son – not just his words, but his thoughts and feelings (expressed parenthetically below) and the possible effect of some of his dad’s autobiographical responses. 让我们更仔细地看看这个儿子——不仅是他的话，还有他的思想和感受（在下面以括号形式表达）以及他父亲一些自传式回应的可能影响。
“Boy, Dad, I’ve had it! School is for the birds!” (I want to talk with you, to get your attention.) “爸爸，我受够了！上学真没意思！”（我想和你谈谈，想引起你的注意。）
“What’s the matter, Son?” (You’re interested! Good!) “怎么了，儿子？”（你有兴趣！很好！）
“It’s totally impractical. I don’t get a thing out of it.” (I’ve got a problem with school, and I feel just terrible. “这完全不切实际。我从中得不到任何东西。”（我对学校有问题，我感觉非常糟糕。）
“Well, you just can’t see the benefits yet, son. I felt the same way when I was your age.” (Oh, no! Here comes Chapter three of Dad’s autobiography. This isn’t what I want to talk about. I don’t really care how many miles he had to trudge through the snow to school without any boots. I want to get to the problem.) “I remember thinking what a waste some of the classes were. But those classes turned out to be the most helpful to me later on. Just hang in there. Give it some time.” (Time won’t solve my problem. I wish I could tell you. I wish I could just spit it out.) “好吧，儿子，你现在就是看不到好处。我在你这个年纪的时候也有同样的感觉。”（哦，不！爸爸自传的第三章来了。这不是我想谈的。我并不在乎他为了上学在雪地里走了多少英里，没有穿靴子。我想解决问题。） “我记得当时觉得有些课程真是浪费时间。但那些课程后来对我帮助最大。坚持一下，给它点时间。”（时间解决不了我的问题。我希望我能告诉你。我希望我能直接说出来。）
“I’ve given it 10 years of my life! Can you tell me what good ‘x plus y’ is going to do me as an auto mechanic?” “我为此付出了 10 年的生命！你能告诉我‘x 加 y’作为一名汽车修理工对我有什么好处吗？”
“An auto mechanic? You’ve got to be kidding.” ( He wouldn’t like me if I were an auto mechanic. He wouldn’t like me if I didn’t finish school. I have to justify what I said.) “一个汽车修理工？你一定是在开玩笑。”（如果我是一名汽车修理工，他就不会喜欢我。如果我没有完成学业，他也不会喜欢我。我必须为我所说的辩解。）
“No, I’m not. Look at Joe. He’s quit school. He’s working on cars. And he’s making lots of money. Now that’s practical.” “不，我不是。看看乔。他已经退学了。他在修车。而且他赚了很多钱。那才是实用的。”
“It may look that way now. But several years down the road, Joe’s going to wish he’d stayed in school.” (Oh, Boy! here comes lecture number 16 on the value of an education.) “You don’t want to be an auto mechanic.” (How do you know that, Dad? Do you really have any idea what I want?) “You need an education to prepare you for something better than that.” “现在看起来可能是这样。但几年后，乔会希望他当初留在学校。”（哦，天哪！第 16 次关于教育价值的讲座来了。）“你不想成为一名汽车修理工。”（你怎么知道的，爸爸？你真的知道我想要什么吗？）“你需要接受教育，为更好的事情做好准备。”
“I don’t know. Joe’s got a pretty good set-up.” (He’s not a failure. He didn’t finish school and he’s not a failure.) “我不知道。乔的安排挺不错的。”（他不是失败者。他没有完成学业，但他不是失败者。）
“Look, Son, have you really tried?” (We’re beating around the bush, Dad. If you’d just listen, I really need to talk to you about something important.) “听着，儿子，你真的试过吗？”（我们在拐弯抹角，爸爸。如果你能听我说，我真的需要和你谈一些重要的事情。）
“I’ve been in high school two years now. Sure I’ve tried. It’s just a waste.” “我已经上了两年高中。确实我尝试过。只是浪费时间。”
“That’s a highly respected school, Son. Give them a little credit.” (Oh, great. Now we’re talking credibility. I wish I could talk about what I want to talk about.) “那是一所备受尊敬的学校，儿子。给他们一点认可。”（哦，太好了。现在我们在谈论可信度。我希望我能谈谈我想谈的事情。）
“Well, the other guys feel the same way I do.” (I have some credibility, too. I’m not a moron.) “好吧，其他人也和我有同样的感觉。”（我也有一些可信度。我不是个傻瓜。）
“Do you realize how many sacrifices your mother and I have made to get you where you are?” “你知道你妈妈和我为了让你达到现在的状态付出了多少牺牲吗？”
(Uh-oh, here comes the guilt trip. Maybe I am a moron. The school’s great, Mom and Dad are great, and I’m a moron.) “You can’t quit when you’ve come this far.” （糟糕，内疚感来了。也许我真是个傻瓜。学校很好，爸爸妈妈也很好，而我却是个傻瓜。） “你不能在走到这一步时放弃。”
“I know you’ve sacrificed, Dad. But it’s just not worth it.” (You just don’t understand.) “我知道你牺牲了，爸爸。但这真的不值得。”（你就是不理解。）
“Look, maybe if you spent more time doing your homework and less time in front of TV…” (That’s not the problem, Dad! That’s not it at all! I’ll never be able to tell you. I was dumb to try.) “听着，也许如果你花更多时间做作业，少一点时间在电视前……”（这不是问题，爸爸！根本不是！我永远无法告诉你。我真傻，居然尝试过。）
“Look, Dad. It’s just no good. Oh, never mind! I don’t want to talk about this anyway.” “看，爸爸。这实在没什么好说的。哦，算了！我反正不想谈这个。”
Can you see how limited we are when we try to understand another person on the basis of words alone, especially when we’re looking at that person through our own glasses? Can you see how limiting our autobiographical responses are to a person who is genuinely trying to get us to understand his autobiography? 你能看到当我们仅仅通过语言来理解另一个人时，我们是多么有限吗，尤其是当我们通过自己的视角看待那个人时？你能看到我们的自传式反应对一个真正试图让我们理解他自传的人是多么限制吗？
You will never be able to truly step inside another person, to see the world as he sees it, until you develop the pure desire, the strength of personal character, and the positive Emotional Bank Account, as well as the empathic listening skills to do it. 你永远无法真正走进另一个人的内心，去以他的视角看世界，直到你培养出纯粹的愿望、个人品格的力量，以及积极的情感银行账户，以及进行同理心倾听的技能。
The skills, the tip of the iceberg of empathic listening, involve four developmental stages The first and least effective is to mimic content. This is the skill taught in “active” or “reflective” listening. Without the character and relationship base, it is often insulting to people and causes them to close up. It is, however, a first-stage skill because it at least causes you to listen to what’s being said Mimicking content is easy. You just listen to the words that come out of someone’s mouth and you repeat them. You’re hardly even using your brain at all 同理倾听的技能是冰山一角，涉及四个发展阶段。第一个也是最不有效的阶段是模仿内容。这是“主动”或“反思”倾听中教授的技能。没有性格和关系基础，这往往会让人感到被冒犯，并导致他们闭口不言。然而，这仍然是一个初级技能，因为它至少让你听到所说的话。模仿内容很简单。你只需听别人说出的词，然后重复它们。你几乎根本没有在使用你的大脑。
“Boy, Dad, I’ve had it! School is for the birds!” “哎呀，爸爸，我受够了！上学真是无聊！”
“You’ve had it. You think school is for the birds.” “你受够了。你觉得学校是给鸟的。”
You have essentially repeated back the content of what was being said. You haven’t evaluated or probed or advised or interpreted. You’ve at least showed you’re paying attention to his words. But to understand, you want to do more. 你基本上只是重复了所说内容。你没有评估、探究、建议或解释。你至少表现出你在关注他的话。但要理解，你想做得更多。
The second stage of empathic listening is to rephrase the content. It’s a little more effective, but it’s still limited to the verbal communication 同理倾听的第二阶段是重新表述内容。这稍微有效一些，但仍然局限于口头交流。
“Boy, Dad, I’ve had it! School is for the birds!” “哎呀，爸爸，我受够了！上学真是无聊！”
“You don’t want to go to school anymore.” “你不想再上学了。”
This time, you’ve put his meaning into your own words. Now you’re thinking about what he said, mostly with the left side, the reasoning, logical side of the brain. 这次，你把他的意思用自己的话表达出来了。现在你在思考他所说的话，主要是用大脑的左侧，即推理和逻辑的部分。
The third stage brings your right brain into operation. You reflect feeling. 第三阶段使你的右脑开始运作。你反思情感。
“Boy, Dad, I’ve had it! School is for the birds!” “哎呀，爸爸，我受够了！上学真是无聊！”
“You’re feeling really frustrated.” “你感到非常沮丧。”
Now you’re not paying as much attention to what he’s saying as you are to the way he feels about what he’s saying. The fourth stage includes both the second and the third. You rephrase the content and reflect the feeling. 现在你对他说的话关注的程度不如对他说话时他所感受到的关注。第四阶段包括第二和第三阶段。你重新表述内容并反映情感。
“Boy, Dad, I’ve had it! School is for the birds!” “哎呀，爸爸，我受够了！上学真是无聊！”
“You’re really frustrated about school.” “你对学校真的很沮丧。”
Frustration is the feeling; school is the content. You’re using both sides of your brain to understand both sides of his communication. 挫折感是情感；学校是内容。你正在使用大脑的两侧来理解他沟通的两个方面。
Now, what happens when you use fourth stage empathic listening skills is really incredible. As you authentically seek to understand, as you rephrase content and reflect feeling, you give him psychological air. You also help him work through his own thoughts and feelings. As he grows in his confidence of your sincere desire to really listen and understand, the barrier between what’s going on inside him and what’s actually being communicated to you disappears. It opens a soul-to-soul flow. He’s not thinking and feeling one thing and communicating another. He begins to trust you with his innermost tender feelings and thoughts. 现在，当你使用第四阶段的共情倾听技巧时，真的是不可思议。当你真诚地寻求理解，重新表述内容并反映情感时，你给了他心理上的空间。你还帮助他理清自己的思绪和感受。随着他对你真诚倾听和理解的渴望的信心增强，他内心发生的事情与实际传达给你的内容之间的障碍消失了。这开启了灵魂与灵魂之间的交流。他不再是思考和感受一件事却传达另一件事。他开始信任你，分享他内心最脆弱的感受和想法。
“Boy, Dad, I’ve had it! School is for the birds!” (I want to talk with you to get your attention.) “男孩，爸爸，我受够了！上学真是无聊！”（我想和你谈谈以引起你的注意。）
“You’re really frustrated about school.” (That’s right! That’s how I feel.) “你对学校真的很沮丧。”（没错！我就是这样的感觉。）
“I sure am. It’s totally impractical. I’m not getting a thing out of it.” “我确实是。这个完全不切实际。我没有从中得到任何东西。”
“You feel like school’s not doing you any good.” (Let me think – is that what I mean?) “你觉得学校对你没有任何好处。”（让我想想——这就是我的意思吗？）
“Well, yeah. I’m just not learning anything that’s going to help me. I mean, look at Joe. He’s dropped out of school and he’s working on cars. He’s making money. Now that’s practical.” “嗯，是的。我只是没有学到任何对我有帮助的东西。我的意思是，看看乔。他辍学了，现在在修车。他在赚钱。这才是实用的。”
“You feel that Joe really has the right idea.” (Well…) “你觉得乔真的有正确的想法。”（好吧……）
“Well, I guess he does in a way. He’s really making money now. But in a few years I bet he’ll probably be ticked off at himself.” “好吧，我想他在某种程度上确实是这样。他现在真的在赚钱。但过几年我敢打赌他可能会对自己感到生气。”
“You think Joe’s going to feel he made the wrong decision.” “你认为乔会觉得他做出了错误的决定。”
“He’s got to. Just look at what he’s giving up. I mean, if you don’t have an education, you just can’t make it in this world.” “他必须这样做。看看他放弃了什么。我是说，如果你没有教育，你在这个世界上就无法立足。”
“Education is really important.” “教育真的很重要。”
“Oh, yeah! I mean, if you don’t have a diploma, if you can’t get jobs or go to college, what are you going to do? You’ve just got to get an education.” “哦，是的！我的意思是，如果你没有文凭，如果你无法找到工作或上大学，你该怎么办？你必须接受教育。”
“It’s important to your future.” “这对你的未来很重要。”
“It is. And, you know what? I’m really worried. Listen, you won’t tell Mom, will you?” “是的。你知道吗？我真的很担心。听着，你不会告诉妈妈，对吧？”
“You don’t want your mother to find out.” “你不想让你母亲发现。”
“Well, not really. Oh, I guess you can tell her. She’ll probably find out anyway. Look, I took this test today, this reading test. And, Dad, they said I’m reading on a fourth-grade level. Fourth grade! And I’m in junior high school!” “嗯，其实不是。哦，我想你可以告诉她。她可能反正会知道。听着，我今天参加了这个测试，这个阅读测试。爸爸，他们说我阅读的水平是四年级。四年级！而我现在在初中！”
What a difference real understanding can make! All the well-meaning advice in the world won’t amount to a hill of beans if we’re not even addressing the real problem. And we’ll never get to the problem if we’re so caught up in our own autobiography, our own paradigms, that we don’t take off our glasses long enough to see the world from another point of view. 真正的理解能带来多大的不同！如果我们连真正的问题都没有解决，世界上所有好心的建议也无济于事。而如果我们沉浸在自己的自传和自己的范式中，根本不愿意摘下眼镜去从另一个角度看世界，我们就永远无法找到问题所在。
“I’m going to flunk, Dad. I guess I figure if I’m going to flunk, I might as well quit. But I don’t want to quit.” “我会不及格的，爸爸。我想我觉得如果我会不及格，那我不如就放弃。但我不想放弃。”
“You feel torn. You’re in the middle of a dilemma.” “你感到左右为难。你正处于一个两难境地。”
“What do you think I should do, Dad?” “爸爸，你觉得我应该怎么做？”
By seeking first to understand, this father has just turned a transactional opportunity into a transformational opportunity. Instead of interacting on a surface, get-the-job-done level of communication, he has created a situation in which he can now have transforming impact, not only on his son but also on the relationship. By setting aside his own autobiography and really seeking to understand, he has made a tremendous deposit in the Emotional Bank Account and has empowered his son to open, layer upon layer, and to get to the real issue. 通过首先寻求理解，这位父亲将一个交易机会转变为一个转变机会。他没有停留在表面、完成工作的沟通层面，而是创造了一个可以产生转变影响的情境，不仅对他的儿子，也对他们的关系。通过放下自己的自传，真正寻求理解，他在情感银行账户中做出了巨大的存款，并赋予了他的儿子逐层打开、深入探讨真正问题的能力。
Now father and son are on the same side of the table looking at the problem, instead of on opposite sides looking across at each other. The son is opening his father’s autobiography and asking for advice. 现在父亲和儿子在桌子同一侧看问题，而不是在对面互相看。儿子正在翻开父亲的自传并寻求建议。
Even as the father begins to counsel, however, he needs to be sensitive to his son’s communication. As long as the response is logical, the father can effectively ask questions and give counsel. But the moment the response becomes emotional, he needs to go back to empathic listening. 即使父亲开始提供建议，他也需要对儿子的沟通保持敏感。只要回应是合乎逻辑的，父亲就可以有效地提问和给予建议。但一旦回应变得情绪化，他就需要回到同理心倾听。
“Well, I can see some things you might want to consider.” “好吧，我可以看到一些你可能想要考虑的事情。”
“Like what, Dad?” “像什么，爸爸？”
“Like getting some special help with your reading. Maybe they have some kind of tutoring program over at the tech school.” “就像在阅读方面获得一些特别的帮助。也许他们在技术学校有某种辅导项目。”
“I’ve already checked into that. It takes two nights and all day Saturday. That would take so much time!” “我已经检查过了。需要两个晚上和整个星期六。这会花费很多时间！”
Sensing emotion in that reply, the father moves back to empathy. 感受到那句话中的情感，父亲回到了同理心。
“That’s too much of a price to pay.” “那是一个太高的代价。”
“Besides, Dad, I told the sixth graders I’d be their coach.” “此外，爸爸，我告诉六年级的学生我会成为他们的教练。”
“You don’t want to let them down.” “你不想让他们失望。”
“But I’ll tell you this, Dad. If I really thought that tutoring course would help, I’d be down there every night. I’d get someone else to coach those kids.” “但我告诉你，爸爸。如果我真的认为那个辅导课程会有帮助，我每晚都会去那里。我会找其他人来辅导那些孩子。”
“You really want the help, but you doubt if the course will make a difference.” “你真的想要帮助，但你怀疑这个课程是否会有所改变。”
The son is once more open and logical. He’s opening his father’s autobiography again. Now the father has another opportunity to influence and transform. 儿子再次变得开放和理性。他又在翻阅父亲的自传。现在父亲有了另一个影响和改变的机会。
There are times when transformation requires no outside counsel. Often when people are really given the chance to open up, they unravel their own problems and the solutions become clear to them in the process. 有时候，转变不需要外部顾问。当人们真正有机会敞开心扉时，他们会解开自己的问题，解决方案在这个过程中变得清晰。
At other times, they really need additional perspective and help. The key is to genuinely seek the welfare of the individual, to listen with empathy, to let the person get to the problem and the solution at his own pace and time. Layer upon layer – it’s like peeling an onion until you get to the soft inner core. 在其他时候，他们确实需要额外的视角和帮助。关键是要真心寻求个人的福祉，以同理心倾听，让个人以自己的节奏和时间找到问题和解决方案。层层叠叠——就像剥洋葱，直到你到达柔软的内核。
When people are really hurting and you really listen with a pure desire to understand, you’ll be amazed how fast they will open up. They want to open up. Children desperately want to open up, even more to their parents than to their peers. And they will, if they feel their parents will love them unconditionally and will be faithful to them afterwards and not judge or ridicule them. 当人们真的在受伤时，而你又真心倾听并渴望理解时，你会惊讶于他们会多快敞开心扉。他们想要敞开心扉。孩子们迫切想要敞开心扉，甚至比对同龄人更想对父母敞开心扉。如果他们感到父母会无条件地爱他们，并在之后对他们保持忠诚而不加评判或嘲笑，他们就会这样做。
If you really seek to understand, without hypocrisy and without guile, there will be times when you will be literally stunned with the pure knowledge and understanding that will flow to you from another human being. It isn’t even always necessary to talk in order to empathize. In fact, sometimes words may just get in your way. That’s one very important reason why technique alone will not work. That kind of understanding transcends technique. Isolated technique only gets in the way. 如果你真的想要理解，毫无虚伪和狡诈地去理解，有时你会被从另一个人身上流淌而来的纯粹知识和理解震惊。实际上，有时甚至不需要交谈就能产生共鸣。事实上，有时言语可能会妨碍你。这就是为什么仅靠技巧是行不通的一个非常重要的原因。这种理解超越了技巧。孤立的技巧只会妨碍你。
I have gone through the skills of empathic listening because skill is an important part of any habit. We need to have the skills. But let me reiterate that the skills will not be effective unless they come from a sincere desire to understand. People resent any attempt to manipulate them. In fact, if you’re dealing with people you’re close to, it’s helpful to tell them what you’re doing. 我已经学习了同理倾听的技巧，因为技巧是任何习惯的重要组成部分。我们需要掌握这些技巧。但让我重申，技巧只有在出于真诚的理解愿望时才会有效。人们会对任何操控他们的尝试感到反感。事实上，如果你与亲近的人打交道，告诉他们你在做什么是很有帮助的。
“I read this book about listening and empathy and I thought about my relationship with you. I realized I haven’t listened to you like I should. But I want to. It’s hard for me. I may blow it at times, but I’m going to work at it. I really care about you and I want to understand. I hope you’ll help me.” “我读了这本关于倾听和同理心的书，我想到了我和你的关系。我意识到我没有像应该那样倾听你。但我想要这样做。这对我来说很难。我可能会有时搞砸，但我会努力去做。我真的很关心你，我想要理解你。我希望你能帮助我。”
Affirming your motive is a huge deposit. 确认你的动机是一个巨大的存款。
But if you’re not sincere, I wouldn’t even try it. It may create an openness and a vulnerability that will later turn to your harm when a person discovers that you really didn’t care, you really didn’t want to listen, and he’s left open, exposed, and hurt. The technique, the tip of the iceberg, has to come out of the massive base of character underneath. 但如果你不真诚，我甚至不会尝试。这可能会创造一种开放和脆弱，后来当一个人发现你其实并不在乎，你真的不想倾听时，这会对你造成伤害，他会感到开放、暴露和受伤。这个技巧，冰山一角，必须源于其下庞大的品格基础。
Now there are people who protest that empathic listening takes too much time. It may take a little more time initially but it saves so much time downstream. The most efficient thing you can do if you’re a doctor and want to prescribe a wise treatment is to make an accurate diagnosis. You can’t say, “I’m in too much of a hurry. I don’t have time to make a diagnosis. Just take this treatment.” 现在有些人抗议同理倾听需要太多时间。最初可能需要多一点时间，但这在后续节省了很多时间。如果你是一名医生，想要开出明智的治疗方案，最有效的做法就是做出准确的诊断。你不能说：“我太着急了，没时间做诊断。就用这个治疗吧。”
I remember writing one time in a room on the north shore of Oahu, Hawaii. There was a soft breeze blowing, and so I had opened two windows – one at the front and one at the side – to keep the room cool. I had a number of papers laid out, chapter by chapter, on a large table. 我记得有一次在夏威夷瓦胡岛北岸的一个房间里写作。微风轻拂，所以我打开了两个窗户——一个在前面，一个在侧面——以保持房间凉爽。我在一张大桌子上按章节摆放了许多文件。
Suddenly, the breeze started picking up and blowing my papers about. I remember the frantic sense of loss I felt because things were no longer in order, including unnumbered pages, and I began rushing around the room trying desperately to put them back. Finally, I realized it would be better to take 10 seconds and close one of the windows. 突然，微风开始加大，吹得我的文件四处飞散。我记得那种失去的慌乱感，因为一切都不再井然有序，包括那些没有编号的页面，我开始在房间里急匆匆地奔跑，拼命想把它们放回原位。最后，我意识到花 10 秒钟关上一扇窗户会更好。
Empathic listening takes time, but it doesn’t take anywhere near as much time as it takes to back up and correct misunderstandings when you’re already miles down the road, to redo, to live with unexpressed and unsolved problems, to deal with the results of not giving people psychological air. 同理倾听需要时间，但所需的时间远不及在误解已经产生、走了很远的情况下去纠正错误、重做、忍受未表达和未解决的问题、以及处理不给人心理空间所带来的后果。
A discerning empathic listener can read what’s happening down deep fast, and can show such acceptance, such understanding, that other people feel safe to open up layer after layer until they get to that soft inner core where the problem really lies. 一个有洞察力的共情倾听者能够迅速洞察深层发生的事情，并能够表现出如此的接纳和理解，以至于其他人感到安全，可以一层层地敞开，直到他们到达真正存在问题的柔软内心核心。
People want to be understood. And whatever investment of time it takes to do that will bring much greater returns of time as you work from an accurate understanding of the problems and issues and from the high Emotional Bank Account that results when a person feels deeply understood. 人们希望被理解。无论花费多少时间来做到这一点，都会带来更大的时间回报，因为你可以基于对问题和事务的准确理解，以及当一个人感到被深刻理解时所产生的高情感银行账户来工作。
Understanding and Perception 理解与感知
As you learn to listen deeply to other people, you will discover tremendous differences in perception. You will also begin to appreciate the impact that these differences can have as people try to work together in interdependent situations. 当你学习深入倾听他人时，你会发现感知上有巨大的差异。你还会开始欣赏这些差异在相互依赖的情况下，人们尝试合作时可能产生的影响。
You see the young woman; I see the old lady. And both of us can be right. 你看到年轻的女人；我看到老奶奶。我们两个都可以是对的。
You may look at the world through spouse-centered glasses; I may see it through the money-centered lens of economic concern. 你可能通过以配偶为中心的视角看待世界；我可能通过以金钱为中心的经济关切的视角来看待它。
You may be scripted in the Abundance Mentality; I may be scripted in the Scarcity Mentality. 你可能被编程为丰盛心态；我可能被编程为匮乏心态。
You may approach problems from a highly visual, intuitive, holistic right-brain paradigm; I may be very left brain, very sequential, analytical, and verbal in my approach. 你可能从一种高度视觉化、直观、整体的右脑范式来处理问题；而我可能非常左脑，非常顺序、分析性和语言化地处理问题。
Our perceptions can be vastly different. And yet we both have lived with our paradigms for years, thinking they are “facts,” and questioning the character or the mental competence of anyone who can’t “see the facts.” 我们的感知可能大相径庭。然而，我们都已经以我们的范式生活了多年，认为它们是“事实”，并质疑任何无法“看到事实”的人的性格或智力。
Now, with all our differences, we’re trying to work together – in a marriage, in a job, in a community service project – to manage resources and accomplish results. So how do we do it? How do we transcend the limits of our individual perceptions so that we can deeply communicate, so that we can cooperatively deal with the issues and come up with win-win solutions? 现在，尽管我们有很多不同，我们正在努力合作——在婚姻中，在工作中，在社区服务项目中——以管理资源并取得成果。那么我们该如何做到呢？我们如何超越个人认知的局限，以便能够深入沟通，能够合作解决问题并提出双赢的解决方案？
The answer is Habit 5. It’s the first step in the process of win-win. Even if (and especially when) the other person is not coming from that paradigm, seek first to understand. 答案是习惯 5。这是双赢过程中的第一步。即使（尤其是当）对方不是从那个范式出发，也要首先寻求理解。
This principle worked powerfully for one executive who shared with me the following experience. 这个原则对一位高管产生了强大的作用，他与我分享了以下经历。
"I was working with a small company that was in the process of negotiating a contract with a large national banking institution. This institution flew in their lawyers from San Francisco, their negotiator from Ohio, and presidents of two of their large banks to create an eight-person negotiating team. The company I worked with had decided to go for Win-Win or No Deal. They wanted to significantly increase the level of service and the cost, but they had been almost overwhelmed with the demands of this large financial institution. 我曾在一家小公司工作，该公司正在与一家大型国家银行机构谈判合同。该机构从旧金山派来了他们的律师，从俄亥俄州派来了谈判代表，并派来了两家大型银行的行长，组成了一个八人谈判团队。我所在的公司决定采取双赢或不成交的策略。他们希望显著提高服务水平和成本，但几乎被这家大型金融机构的要求压垮。
"The president of our company sat across the negotiating table and told them, ‘We would like for you to write the contract the way you want it so that we can make sure we understand your needs and your concerns. We will respond to those needs and concerns. Then we can talk about pricing.’ “我们公司的总裁坐在谈判桌对面，对他们说：‘我们希望你们按照自己的方式来写合同，以便我们能够确保理解你们的需求和关切。我们会回应这些需求和关切。然后我们可以谈论价格。’”
"The members of the negotiating team were overwhelmed. They were astounded that they were going to have the opportunity to write the contract. They took three days to come up with the idea. 谈判团队的成员们感到不知所措。他们惊讶于自己将有机会撰写合同。他们花了三天时间才想出这个主意。
"When they presented it, the president said, ‘Now let’s make sure we understand what you want.’ “当他们展示它时，总统说，‘现在让我们确保我们理解你们想要什么。’”
And he went down the contract, rephrasing the content, reflecting the feeling, until he was sure and they were sure he understood what was important to them. ‘Yes. That’s right. No, that’s not exactly what we meant here…yes, you’ve got it now.’ 他仔细阅读合同，重新措辞内容，反映出感受，直到他和他们都确信他理解了对他们来说重要的事情。“是的。没错。不，这并不是我们在这里的确切意思……是的，你现在明白了。”
"When he thoroughly understood their perspective, he proceeded to explain some concerns from his perspective. . and they listened. They were ready to listen. They weren’t fighting for air. What had started out as a very formal, low-trust, almost hostile atmosphere had turned into a fertile environment for synergy. 当他彻底理解了他们的观点后，他开始从自己的角度解释一些担忧……他们倾听了。他们准备好倾听。他们并不是在争夺生存空间。最初非常正式、低信任、几乎敌对的氛围已经转变为一个有利于协同的肥沃环境。
“At the conclusion of the discussions, the members of the negotiating team basically said, ‘We want to work with you. We want to do this deal. Just let us know what the price is and we’ll sign.’” Then Seek to Be Understood “在讨论结束时，谈判团队的成员基本上说，‘我们想和你合作。我们想达成这个交易。只需告诉我们价格，我们就会签署。’” 然后寻求被理解
Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood. Knowing how to be understood is the other half of Habit 5, and is equally critical in reaching win-win solutions. 首先寻求理解，然后再寻求被理解。知道如何被理解是习惯 5 的另一半，在达成双赢解决方案中同样至关重要。
Earlier we defined maturity as the balance between courage and consideration. Seeking to understand requires consideration; seeking to be understood takes courage. Win-win requires a high degree of both. So it becomes important in interdependent situations for us to be understood. 我们之前将成熟定义为勇气和考虑之间的平衡。寻求理解需要考虑；寻求被理解需要勇气。双赢需要两者的高度结合。因此，在相互依赖的情况下，让我们被理解变得重要。
The early Greeks had a magnificent philosophy which is embodied in three sequentially arranged words: ethos, pathos, and logos. I suggest these three words contain the essence of seeking first to understand and making effective presentations. 早期的希腊人拥有一种宏伟的哲学，这种哲学体现在三个顺序排列的词中：ethos、pathos 和 logos。我认为这三个词包含了首先寻求理解和有效表达的本质。
Ethos is your personal credibility, the faith people have in your integrity and competency. It’s the trust that you inspire, your Emotional Bank Account. Pathos is the empathic side – it’s the feeling. It means that you are in alignment with the emotional 伦理是你的个人信誉，人们对你的诚信和能力的信任。这是你所激发的信任，你的情感银行账户。情感是同理心的一面——它是感觉。这意味着你与情感保持一致。
trust of another person’s communication. Logos is the logic, the reasoning part of the presentation. 对他人沟通的信任。Logos 是逻辑，是演示的推理部分。
Notice the sequence: ethos, pathos, logos – your character, and your relationships, and then the logic of your presentation. This represents another major Paradigm Shift. Most people, in making presentations, go straight to the logos, the left-brain logic, of their ideas. They try to convince other people of the validity of that logic without first taking ethos and pathos into consideration. 注意这个顺序：伦理、情感、逻辑——你的角色、你的关系，然后是你演示的逻辑。这代表了另一个重大的范式转变。大多数人在做演示时，直接进入他们想法的逻辑，即左脑逻辑。他们试图在没有首先考虑伦理和情感的情况下说服其他人接受这种逻辑的有效性。
I had an acquaintance who was very frustrated because his boss was locked into what he felt was an unproductive leadership style. 我有一个熟人，他非常沮丧，因为他的老板固守着他认为不够有效的领导风格。
“Why doesn’t he do anything?” he asked me. “I’ve talked to him about it, he’s aware of it, but he does nothing.” “他为什么不做任何事情？”他问我。“我跟他谈过这件事，他知道，但他什么都不做。”
“Well, why don’t you make an effective presentation?” I asked. “那么，为什么你不做一个有效的演示呢？”我问。
“I did,” was the reply. “我做了，”是回复。
“How do you define ‘effective’? Who do they send back to school when the salesman doesn’t sell – the buyer? Effective means it works; it means P/PC. Did you create the change you wanted? Did you build the relationship in the process? What were the results of your presentation?” “你如何定义‘有效’？当销售员没有成交时，他们会把谁送回学校——买家？有效意味着它有效；这意味着 P/PC。你创造了你想要的变化吗？你在这个过程中建立了关系吗？你演示的结果是什么？”
“I told you, he didn’t do anything. He wouldn’t listen.” “我告诉过你，他什么都没做。他不愿意听。”
“Then make an effective presentation. You’ve got to empathize with his head. You’ve got to get into his frame of mind. You’re got to make your point simply and visually and describe the alternative he is in favor of better than he can himself. That will take some homework. Are you willing to do that?” “然后做一个有效的演示。你必须设身处地为他着想。你必须进入他的思维框架。你必须简单明了地表达你的观点，并比他自己更好地描述他所支持的替代方案。这需要一些功课。你愿意这样做吗？”
“Why do I have to go through all that?” he asked “我为什么要经历这一切？”他问
“In other words, you want him to change his whole leadership style and you’re not willing to change your method of presentation?” “换句话说，你希望他改变整个领导风格，而你却不愿意改变你的表达方式？”
“I guess so,” he replied. “我想是这样，”他回答道。
“Well, then,” I said, “just smile about it and learn to live with it.” “好吧，”我说，“那就微笑面对它，学会与之共处。”
“I can’t live with it,” he said. “It compromises my integrity.” “我无法与之共存，”他说。“这损害了我的诚信。”
“Okay, then get to work on an effective presentation. That’s in your Circle of Influence.” “好的，那就开始准备一个有效的演示吧。这在你的影响圈内。”
In the end, he wouldn’t do it. The investment seemed too great. 最后，他还是没有这样做。投资似乎太大了。
Another acquaintance, a university professor, was willing to pay the price. He approached me one day and said, “Stephen, I can’t get to first base in getting the funding I need for my research because my research is really not in the mainstream of this department’s interests.” 另一个熟人，一位大学教授，愿意支付这个代价。他有一天找我说：“斯蒂芬，我在获得我所需的研究资金方面完全无法入手，因为我的研究实际上并不符合这个系的主流兴趣。”
After discussing his situation at some length, I suggested that he develop an effective presentation using ethos, pathos, and logos. “I know you’re sincere and the research you 在详细讨论了他的情况后，我建议他利用伦理、情感和逻辑来制作一个有效的演示。“我知道你是诚恳的，你的研究……”
want to do would bring great benefits. Describe the alternative they are in favor of better than they can themselves. Show that you understand them in depth. Then carefully explain the logic behind your request.” 想要做的事情将带来巨大的好处。描述他们所支持的替代方案，比他们自己更好地描述。展示你对他们的深刻理解。然后仔细解释你请求背后的逻辑。
“Well, I’ll try,” he said. “好吧，我会试试，”他说。
“Do you want to practice with me?” I asked. He was willing, and so we dress rehearsed his approach. When he went in to make his presentation, he started by saying, “Now let me see if I first understand what your objectives are, and what your concerns are about this presentation and my recommendation.” “你想和我练习吗？”我问。他愿意，于是我们进行了他的演讲的彩排。当他进去进行演示时，他开始说：“现在让我看看我是否首先理解了你们的目标是什么，以及你们对这个演示和我的建议有什么担忧。”
He took the time to do it slowly, gradually. In the middle of his presentation, demonstrating his depth of understanding and respect for their point of view, a senior professor turned to another professor, nodded, turned back to him and said, “You’ve got your money.” 他花时间慢慢地、逐渐地做这件事。在他演示的中间，展示了他对他们观点的深刻理解和尊重，一位资深教授转向另一位教授，点了点头，然后转回对他说：“你得到了你的钱。”
When you can present your own ideas clearly, specifically, visually, and most important, contextually – in the context of a deep understanding of their paradigms and concerns -you significantly increase the credibility of your ideas. 当你能够清晰、具体、直观地呈现自己的想法，并且最重要的是，在对其范式和关切有深刻理解的背景下——你显著提高了自己想法的可信度。
You’re not wrapped up in your “own thing,” delivering grandiose rhetoric from a soapbox. You really understand. What you’re presenting may even be different from what you had originally thought because in your effort to understand, you learned. 你并没有沉浸在自己的“事情”中，从讲台上发表夸大的言辞。你真的理解。你所呈现的内容甚至可能与你最初的想法不同，因为在你努力理解的过程中，你学到了东西。
Habit 5 lifts you to greater accuracy, greater integrity, in your presentations. And people know that. They know you’re presenting the ideas which you genuinely believe, taking all known facts and perceptions into consideration, that will benefit everyone. 习惯 5 使你的演讲更加准确，更加诚实。人们知道这一点。他们知道你在呈现你真正相信的想法，考虑所有已知的事实和看法，这将使每个人受益。
One-on-One 一对一
Habit 5 is powerful because it is right in the middle of your Circle of Influence. Many factors in interdependent situations are in your Circle of Concern – problems, disagreements, circumstances, other people’s behavior. And if you focus your energies out there, you deplete them with little positive results. 习惯 5 是强大的，因为它正好位于你的影响圈中。在相互依赖的情况下，许多因素都在你的关注圈内——问题、分歧、环境、他人的行为。如果你将精力集中在这些方面，你会消耗它们，却得不到什么积极的结果。
But you can always seek first to understand. That’s something that’s within your control. And as you do that, as you focus on your Circle of Influence, you really, deeply understand other people. You have accurate information to work with, you get to the heart of matters quickly, you build Emotional Bank Accounts, and you give people the psychological air they need so you can work together effectively. 但你总是可以首先寻求理解。这是你可以控制的事情。当你这样做时，当你专注于你的影响圈时，你会真正、深刻地理解他人。你拥有准确的信息，可以迅速抓住问题的核心，建立情感银行账户，并给予人们所需的心理空间，以便你们能够有效地合作。
It’s the Inside-Out approach. And as you do it, watch what happens to your Circle of Influence. Because you really listen, you become influenceable. And being influenceable is the key to influencing others. Your circle begins to expand. You increase your ability to influence many of the things in your Circle of Concern. 这是内外部方法。当你这样做时，观察你的影响圈会发生什么。因为你真正倾听，你变得容易受到影响。而容易受到影响是影响他人的关键。你的圈子开始扩大。你增加了影响你关心的许多事情的能力。
And watch what happens to you. The more deeply you understand other people, the more you will appreciate them, the more reverent you will feel about them. To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground. 并观察你会发生什么。你对他人的理解越深，你就越会欣赏他们，对他们的敬畏感也会越强。触及另一个人灵魂的时刻就是走在神圣的土地上。
Habit 5 is something you can practice right now. The next time you communicate with anyone, you can put aside your own autobiography and genuinely seek to understand. Even when people don’t want to open up about their problems, you can be empathic. You can sense their hearts, you can sense the hurt, and you can respond, “You seem down today.” They may say nothing. That’s all right. You’ve shown understanding and respect. 习惯五是你现在就可以练习的。下次你与任何人交流时，可以放下自己的自传，真心寻求理解。即使人们不想谈论他们的问题，你也可以表现出同理心。你可以感受到他们的心情，感受到他们的伤痛，并可以回应：“你今天看起来很沮丧。”他们可能什么也不说。没关系。你已经表现出了理解和尊重。
Don’t push; be patient; be respectful. People don’t have to open up verbally before you can empathize. You can empathize all the time with their behavior. You can be discerning, sensitive, and aware and you can live outside your autobiography when that is needed. 不要施压；要有耐心；要尊重。人们不必在你能够同情之前就口头表达。你可以随时通过他们的行为来同情。你可以有洞察力、敏感和觉察，当需要时，你可以超越自己的自传生活。
And if you’re highly proactive, you can create opportunities to do preventive work. You don’t have to wait until your son or daughter has a problem with school or you have your next business negotiation to seek first to understand. 如果你非常积极主动，你可以创造机会进行预防性工作。你不必等到你的儿子或女儿在学校遇到问题，或者你有下一个商业谈判时才去寻求理解。
Spend time with your children now, one-on-one. Listen to them; understand them. Look at your home, at school life, at the challenges and the problems they’re facing, through their eyes. Build the Emotional Bank Account. Give them air. 现在花时间与您的孩子一对一相处。倾听他们；理解他们。通过他们的眼睛看待您的家庭、学校生活以及他们面临的挑战和问题。建立情感银行账户。给他们空间。
Go out with your spouse on a regular basis. Have dinner or do something together you both enjoy. Listen to each other; seek to understand. See life through each other’s eyes. 定期和你的配偶外出。一起吃晚餐或做一些你们都喜欢的事情。倾听彼此；寻求理解。通过彼此的眼睛看待生活。
My daily time with Sandra is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. As well as seeking to understand each other, we often take time to actually practice empathic listening skills to help us in communicating with our children. 我与桑德拉的日常时光是我绝对不愿意用任何东西交换的。除了寻求相互理解，我们还经常花时间实际练习同理心倾听技巧，以帮助我们与孩子们沟通。
We often share our different perceptions of the situation, and we role-play more effective approaches to difficult interpersonal family problems. 我们经常分享对情况的不同看法，并且我们角色扮演更有效的方法来应对困难的家庭人际问题。
I may act as if I am a son or daughter requesting a special privilege even though I haven’t fulfilled a basic family responsibility, and Sandra plays herself 我可能表现得像是一个请求特殊特权的儿子或女儿，即使我还没有履行基本的家庭责任，而桑德拉则扮演自己
We interact back and forth and try to visualize the situation in a very real way so that we can train ourselves to be consistent in modeling and teaching correct principles to our children. Some of our most helpful role-plays come from redoing a past difficult or stressful scene in which one of us “blew it.” 我们来回互动，努力以非常真实的方式可视化情况，以便训练自己在为孩子建模和教授正确原则时保持一致性。我们一些最有帮助的角色扮演来自于重演过去一个困难或压力大的场景，在这个场景中我们中的一个“搞砸了”。
The time you invest to deeply understand the people you love brings tremendous dividends in open communication. Many of the problems that plague families and marriages simply don’t have time to fester and develop. The communication becomes so open that potential problems can be nipped in the bud. And there are great reserves of trust in the Emotional Bank Account to handle the problems that do arise. 你投入时间深入了解你所爱的人，会在开放沟通中带来巨大的回报。困扰家庭和婚姻的许多问题根本没有时间滋生和发展。沟通变得如此开放，以至于潜在的问题可以及时解决。而在情感银行账户中有大量的信任储备，可以处理出现的问题。
In business, you can set up one-on-one time with your employees. Listen to them, understand them. Set up human resource accounting or Stakeholder Information Systems in your business to get honest, accurate feedback at every level: from customers, suppliers, and employees. Make the human element as important as the financial or the technical element. You save tremendous amounts of time, energy, and money when you tap into the human resources of a business at every level. When you listen, you learn. And you also give the people who work for you and with you psychological air. You inspire loyalty that goes well beyond the eight-to-five physical demands of the job. 在商业中，您可以与员工安排一对一的时间。倾听他们，理解他们。在您的企业中建立人力资源会计或利益相关者信息系统，以便在每个层面获得诚实、准确的反馈：来自客户、供应商和员工。当您将人文因素与财务或技术因素同等重要时，您可以节省大量的时间、精力和金钱。当您倾听时，您会学习。您还为为您和与您合作的人提供了心理上的空间。您激发了超越八到五工作要求的忠诚。
Seek first to understand. Before the problems come up, before you try to evaluate and prescribe, before you try to present your own ideas – seek to understand. It’s a powerful habit of effective interdependence. 首先要理解。在问题出现之前，在你尝试评估和开处方之前，在你尝试提出自己的想法之前——要寻求理解。这是有效相互依赖的一种强大习惯。
When we really, deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative solutions and Third Alternatives. Our differences are no longer stumbling blocks to communication and progress. Instead, they become the stepping stones to synergy. 当我们真正、深刻地理解彼此时，我们为创造性解决方案和第三种选择打开了大门。我们的差异不再是沟通和进步的绊脚石。相反，它们成为了协同作用的垫脚石。
Application Suggestions 应用建议
Select a relationship in which you sense the Emotional Bank Account is in the red. Try to understand and write down the situation from the other person’s point of view. In your next interaction, listen for understanding, comparing what you are hearing with what you wrote down. How valid were your assumptions? Did you really understand that individual’s perspective. 选择一个你感觉情感银行账户处于负数的关系。试着理解并写下对方的观点。在你下次互动中，倾听以求理解，将你所听到的与你写下的进行比较。你的假设有多有效？你真的理解了那个个体的观点吗？
Share the concept of empathy with someone close to you. Tell him or her you want to work on really listening to others and ask for feedback in a week. How did you do? How did it make that person feel. 与您身边的人分享同理心的概念。告诉他或她您想要真正倾听他人，并在一周后请求反馈。您做得怎么样？这让那个人感觉如何？
The next time you have an opportunity to watch people communicate, cover your ears for a few minutes and just watch. What emotions are being communicated that may not come across in words alone. 下次你有机会观察人们交流时，捂住耳朵几分钟，只是观察。有哪些情感在传达，可能仅靠语言无法表达。
Next time you catch yourself inappropriately using one of the autobiographical responses -probing, evaluating, advising, or interpreting – try to turn the situation into a deposit by acknowledgment and apology. (“I’m sorry, I just realized I’m not really trying to understand. Could we start again?”) 下次当你发现自己不恰当地使用自传式回应——探询、评估、建议或解释——时，试着通过承认和道歉将这种情况转变为一种积极的互动。（“对不起，我刚意识到我并没有真正试图理解。我们可以重新开始吗？”）
Base your next presentation on empathy. Describe the other point of view as well as or better than its proponents; then seek to have your point understood from their frame of reference. 将您的下一次演示建立在同理心的基础上。描述对方的观点，做到与其支持者一样好或更好；然后寻求从他们的视角让您的观点被理解。
Habit 6: 习惯 6：
Synergize TM
Principles of Creative Cooperation 创造性合作原则
I take as my guide the hope of a saint in crucial things, unity --in important things, diversity – in all things, generosity ...
– Inaugural Address of President George Bus ...
When Sir Winston Churchill was called to head up the war effort for Great Britain, he remarked that all his life had prepared him for this hour. In a similar sense, the exercise of all of the other habits prepares us for the habit of synergy. ...
When properly understood, synergy is the highest activity in all life – the true test and manifestation of all the other habits put together. ...
The highest forms of synergy focus the four unique human endowments, the motive of win-win, and the skills of empathic communication on the toughest challenges we face in life. What results is almost miraculous. We create new alternatives – something that wasn’t there before. ...
Synergy is the essence of Principle-Centered Leadership. It is the essence of principlecentered parenting. It catalyzes, unifies, and unleashes the greatest powers within people. All the habits we have covered prepare us to create the miracle of synergy. ...
What is synergy? Simply defined, it means that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. It means that the relationship which the parts have to each other is a part in and of itself. It is not only a part, but the most catalytic, the most empowering, the most unifying, and the most exciting part. ...
The creative process is also the most terrifying part because you don’t know exactly what’s going to happen or where it is going to lead. You don’t know what new dangers and challenges you’ll find. It takes an enormous amount of internal security to begin with the spirit of adventure, the spirit of discovery, the spirit of creativity. Without doubt, you have to leave the comfort zone of base camp and confront an entirely new and unknown wilderness. You become a trailblazer, a pathfinder. You open new possibilities, new territories, new continents, so that others can follow. ...
Synergy is everywhere in nature. If you plant two plants close together, the roots commingle and improve the quality of the soil so that both plants will grow better than if they were separated. If you put two pieces of wood together, they will hold much more than the total of the weight held by each separately. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. One plus one equals three or more. ...
The challenge is to apply the principles of creative cooperation, which we learn from nature, in our social interactions. Family life provides many opportunities to observe synergy and to practice it. ...
The very way that man and a woman bring a child into the world is synergistic. The essence of synergy is to value differences – to respect them, to build on strengths, to compensate for weaknesses. ...
We obviously value the physical differences between men and women, husbands and wives. But what about the social, mental, and emotional differences? Could these differences not also be sources of creating new exciting forms of life – creating an environment that is truly fulfilling for each person, that nurtures the self-esteem and selfworth to each, that creates opportunities for each to mature into independence and then gradually into interdependence? Could synergy not create a new script for the next generation – one that is more geared to service and contribution, and is less protective, less adversarial, less selfish; one that is more open, more giving, and is less defensive, protective, and political; one that is more loving, more caring, and is less possessive and judgmental? ...
Synergistic Communication ...
When you communicate synergistically, you are simply opening your mind and heart and expressions to new possibilities, new alternatives, new options. It may seem as if you are casting aside Habit 2 (to Begin with the End in Mind); but, in fact, you’re doing the opposite – you’re fulfilling it. ...
You’re not sure when you engage in synergistic communication how things will work out or what the end will look like, but you do have an inward sense of excitement and security and adventure, believing that it will be significantly better than it was before. And that is the end that you have in mind. ...
You begin with the belief that parties involved will gain more insight, and that the excitement of that mutual learning and insight will create a momentum toward more and more insights, learning, and growth. ...
Many people have not really experienced even a moderate degree of synergy in their family life or in other interactions. They’ve been trained and scripted into defensive and protective communications or into believing that life or other people can’t be trusted. As a result, they are never really open to Habit 6 and to these principles. ...
This represents one of the great tragedies and wastes in life, because so much potential remains untapped – completely undeveloped and unused. Ineffective people live day after day with unused potential. They experience synergy only in small, peripheral ways in their lives. ...
They may have memories of some unusual creative experiences, perhaps in athletics, where they were involved in a real team spirit for a period of time. Or perhaps they were in an emergency situation where people cooperated to an unusually high degree and submerged ego and pride in an effort to save someone’s life or to produce a solution to a crisis. ...
To many, such events may seem unusual, almost out of character with life, even miraculous. But this is not so. These things can be produced regularly, consistently, almost daily in people’s lives. But it requires enormous personal security and openness and a spirit of adventure. ...
Almost all creative endeavors are somewhat unpredictable. They often seem ambiguous, ...
hit-or-miss, trial and error. And unless people have a high tolerance for ambiguity and get their security from integrity to principles and inner values they find it unnerving and unpleasant to be involved in highly creative enterprises. Their need for structure, certainty, and predictability is too high. ...
Synergy in the Classroom ...
As a teacher, I have come to believe that many truly great classes teeter on the very edge of chaos. Synergy tests whether teachers and students are really open to the principle of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. ...
There are times when neither the teacher nor the student know for sure what’s going to happen. In the beginning, there’s a safe environment that enables people to be really open and to learn and to listen to each other’s ideas. Then comes brainstorming where the spirit of evaluation is subordinated to the spirit of creativity, imagining, and intellectual networking. Then an absolutely unusual phenomenon begins to take place. The entire class is transformed with the excitement of a new thrust, a new idea, a new direction that’s hard to define, yet it’s almost palpable to the people involved. ...
Synergy is almost as if a group collectively agrees to subordinate old scripts and to write a new one. I’ll never forget a university class I taught in leadership philosophy and style. We were about three weeks into a semester when, in the middle of a presentation, one person started to relate some very powerful personal experiences which were both emotional and insightful. A spirit of humility and reverence fell upon the class -reverence toward this individual and appreciation for his courage. ...
This spirit became fertile soil for a synergistic and creative endeavor. Others began to pick up on it, sharing some of their experiences and insights and even some of their selfdoubts. The spirit of trust and safety prompted many to become extremely open. Rather than present what they prepared, they fed on each other’s insights and ideas and started to create a whole new scenario as to what that class could mean. ...
I was deeply involved in the process. In fact, I was almost mesmerized by it because it seemed so magical and creative. And I found myself gradually loosening up my commitment to the structure of the class and sensing entirely new possibilities. It wasn’t just a flight of fancy; there was a sense of maturity and stability and substance which transcended by far the old structure and plan. ...
We abandoned the old syllabus, the purchased textbooks, and all the presentation plans, and we set up new purposes and projects and assignments. We became so excited about what was happening that in about three more weeks, we all sensed an overwhelming desire to share what was happening with others ...
We decided to write a book containing our learnings and insights on the subject of our study – principles of leadership. Assignments were changed, new projects undertaken, new teams formed. People worked much harder than they ever would have in the original class structure, and for an entirely different set of reasons ...
Out of this experience emerged an extremely unique, cohesive, and synergistic culture that did not end with the semester. For years, alumni meetings were held among members of that class. Even today, many years later, when we see each other, we talk about it and often attempt to describe what happened and why. ...
One of the interesting things to me was how little time had transpired before there was sufficient trust to create such synergy. I think it was largely because the people were relatively mature. They were in the final semester of their senior year, and I think they wanted more than just another good classroom experience. They were hungry for something new and exciting, something that they could create that was truly meaningful. It was “an idea whose time had come” for them. In addition, the chemistry was right. I felt that experiencing synergy was more powerful than talking about it, that producing something new was more meaningful than simply reading something old. ...
I’ve also experienced, as I believe most people have, times that were almost synergistic, times that hung on the edge of chaos and for some reason descended into it. Sadly, people who are burned by such experiences often begin their next new experience with that failure in mind. They defend themselves against it and cut themselves off from synergy. ...
It’s like administrators who set up new rules and regulations based on the abuses of a few people inside an organization, thus limiting the freedom and creative possibilities for many – or business partners who imagine the worst scenarios possible and write them up in legal language, killing the whole spirit of creativity, enterprise, and synergistic possibility. ...
As I think back on many consulting and executive education experiences, I can say that the highlights were almost always synergistic. There was usually an early moment that required considerable courage, perhaps in becoming extremely authentic, in confronting some inside truth about the individual or the organization or the family which really needed to be said, but took a combination of considerable courage and genuine love to say it. Then others became more authentic, open, and honest, and the synergistic communication process began. It usually became more and more creative, and ended up in insights and plans that no one had anticipated initially. ...
As Carl Rogers taught, “That which is most personal is most general.” The more authentic you become, the more genuine in your expression, particularly regarding personal experiences and even self-doubts, the more people can relate to your expression and the safer it makes them feel to express themselves. That expression in turn feeds back on the other person’s spirit, and genuine creative empathy takes place, producing new insights and learnings and a sense of excitement and adventure that keeps the process going. ...
People then begin to interact with each other almost in half sentences, sometimes incoherently, but they get each other’s meanings very rapidly. Then whole new worlds of insights, new perspectives, new paradigms that insure options, new alternatives are opened up and thought about. Though occasionally these new ideas are left up in the air, they usually come to some kind of closure that is practical and useful. ...
Synergy in Business ...
I enjoyed one particularly meaningful synergistic experience as I worked with my associates to create the corporate mission statement for our business. Almost all members of the company went high up into the mountains where, surrounded by the magnificence of nature, we began with a first draft of what some of us considered to be an excellent mission statement. ...
At first the communication was respectful, careful and predictable. But as we began to talk about the various alternatives, possibilities, and opportunities ahead, people became ...
very open and authentic and simply started to think out loud. The mission statement agenda gave way to a collective free association, a spontaneous piggybacking of ideas. People were genuinely empathic as well as courageous, and we moved from mutual respect and understanding to creative synergistic communication. ...
Everyone could sense it. It was exciting. As it matured, we returned to the task of putting the evolved collective vision into words, each of which contains specific and committedto meaning for each participant. ...
The resulting corporate mission statement reads: ...
Our Mission is to empower people and organizations to significantly increase their performance capability in order to achieve worthwhile purposes through understanding and living Principle-Centered Leadership. ...
The synergistic process that led to the creation of our mission statement engraved it in all the hearts and minds of everyone there, and it has served us well as a frame of reference of what we are about, as well as what we are not about. ...
Another high-level synergy experience took place when I accepted an invitation to serve as the resource and discussion catalyst at the annual planning meeting of a large insurance company. Several months ahead, I met with the committee responsible to prepare for and stage the two-day meeting which was to involve all the top executives. They informed me that the traditional pattern was to identify four or five major issues through questionnaires and interviews, and to have alternative proposals presented by the executives. Past meetings had been generally respectful exchanges, occasionally deteriorating into defensive win-lose ego battles. They were usually predictable, uncreative, and boring. ...
As I talked with the committee members about the power of synergy, they could sense its potential. With considerable trepidation, they agreed to change the pattern. They requested various executives to prepare anonymous “white papers” on each of the high priority issues, and then asked all the executives to immerse themselves in these papers ahead of time in order to understand the issues and the differing points of view. They were to come to the meeting prepared to listen rather than to present, prepared to create and synergize rather than to defend and protect. ...
We spent the first half-day in the meeting teaching the principles and practicing the skills of Habits 4,5 , and 6 . The rest of the time was spent in creative synergy. ...
The release of creative energy was incredible. Excitement replaced boredom. People became very open to each other’s influence and generated new insights and options. By the end of the meeting an entirely new understanding of the nature of the central company challenge evolved. The white paper proposals became obsolete. Differences were valued and transcended. A new common vision began to form. ...
Once people have experienced real synergy, they are never quite the same again. They know the possibility of having other such mind-expanding adventures in the future. ...
Often attempts are made to recreate a particular synergistic experience, but this seldom can be done. However, the essential purpose behind creative work can be recaptured. Like the Far Eastern philosophy, “We seek not to imitate the masters, rather we seek what ...
they sought,” we seek not to imitate past creative synergistic experiences, rather we seek new ones around new and different and sometimes higher purposes. ...
Snergy and Communication ...
Synergy is exciting. Creativity is exciting. It’s phenomenal what openness and communication can produce. The possibilities of truly significant gain, of significant improvement are so real that it’s worth the risk such openness entails. ...
After World War II, the United States commissioned David Lilienthal to head the new Atomic Energy Commission. Lilienthal brought together a group of people who were highly influential -celebrities in their own right – disciples, as it were, of their own frames of reference. ...
This very diverse group of individuals had an extremely heavy agenda, and they were impatient to get at it. In addition, the press was pushing them. ...
But Lilienthal took several weeks to create a high Emotional Bank Account. He had these people get to know each other – their interests, their hopes, their goals, their concerns, their backgrounds, their frames of reference, their paradigms. He facilitated the kind of human interaction that creates a great bonding between people, and he was heavily criticized for taking the time to do it because it wasn’t “efficient.” ...
But the net result was that this group became closely knit together, very open with each other, very creative, and synergistic. The respect among the members of the commission was so high that if there was disagreement, instead of opposition and defense, there was a genuine effort to understand. The attitude was “If a person of your intelligence and competence and commitment disagrees with me, then there must be something to your disagreement that I don’t understand, and I need to understand it. You have a perspective, a frame of reference I need to look at.” Nonprotective interaction developed, and an unusual culture was born. ...
The following diagram illustrates how closely trust is related to different levels of communication. The lowest level of communication coming out of low-trust situations would be characterized by defensiveness, protectiveness, and often legalistic language, which covers all the bases and spells out qualifiers and the escape clauses in the event things go sour. Such communication produces only win-lose or lose-lose. It isn’t effective – there’s no P/PC Balance – and it creates further reasons to defend and protect. ...
The middle position is respectful communication. This is the level where fairly mature people interact. They have respect for each other, but they want to avoid the possibility of ugly confrontations, so they communicate politely but not empathically. They might understand each other intellectually, but they really don’t deeply look at the paradigms and assumptions underlying their own opinions and become open to new possibilities. ...
Respectful communication works in independent situations and even in interdependent situations, but the creative possibilities are not opened up. In interdependent situations compromise is the position usually taken. Compromise means that 1+1+1=1//21+1+1=1 / 2. Both give and take. The communication isn’t defensive or protective or angry or manipulative; it is honest and genuine and respectful. But it isn’t creative or synergistic. It produces a low form of win-win. ...
Synergy means that 1+11+1 may equal 8,16 , or even 1,600 . The synergistic position of high trust produces solutions better than any originally proposed, and all parties know it. Furthermore, they genuinely enjoy the creative enterprise. A miniculture is formed to satisfy in and of itself. Even if it is short-lived, the P/PC Balance is there. ...
There are some circumstances in which synergy may not be achievable and no deal isn’t viable. But even in these circumstances, the spirit of sincere trying will usually result in a more effective compromise. ...
Fishing for the A Third Alternative ...
To get a better idea of how our level of communication affects our interdependent effectiveness, envision the following scenario. ...
It’s vacation time, and a husband wants to take his family out to the lake country to enjoy camping and fishing. This is important to him; he’s been planning it all year. He’s made reservations at a cottage on the lake and arranged to rent a boat, and his sons are really excited about going. ...
His wife, however, wants to use the vacation time to visit her ailing mother some 250 miles away. She doesn’t have the opportunity to see her very often, and this is important to her Their differences could be the cause of a major negative experience. ...
“The plans are set. The boys are excited. We should go on the fishing trip,” he says. ...
“But we don’t know how much longer my mother will be around, and I want to be by her,” she replies. “This is our only opportunity to have enough time to do that.” ...
“All year long we’ve looked forward to this one-week vacation. The boys would be miserable sitting around grandmother’s house for a week. They’d drive everybody crazy. Besides, your mother’s not that sick. And she has your sister less than a mile away to take care of her.” ...
“She’s my mother, too. I want to be with her.” ...
“You could phone her every night. And we’re planning to spend time with her at the Christmas family reunion. Remember?” ...
“That’s not for five more months. We don’t even know if she’ll still be here by then. Besides, she needs me, and she wants me.” ...
“She’s being well taken care of. Besides, the boys and I need you, too.” ...
“My mother is more important than fishing.” ...
“Your husband and sons are more important than your mother.” ...
As they disagree, back and forth, they finally may come up with some kind of compromise. They may decide to split up – he takes the boys fishing at the lake while she visits her mother. And they both feel guilty and unhappy. The boys sense it, and it affects their enjoyment of the vacation. ...
The husband may give in to his wife, but he does it grudgingly. And consciously or unconsciously, he produces evidence to fulfill his prophecy of how miserable the week will be for everyone. ...
The wife may give in to her husband, but she’s withdrawn and over reactive to any new developments in her mother’s health situation. If her mother were to become seriously ill and die, the husband could never forgive himself, and she couldn’t forgive him either. ...
Whatever compromise they finally agree on, it could be rehearsed over the years as evidence of insensitivity, neglect, or a bad priority decision on either part. It could be a source of contention for years and could even polarize the family. Many marriages that once were beautiful and soft and spontaneous and loving have deteriorated to the level of a hostility through a series of incidents just like this. ...
The husband and wife see the situation differently. And that difference can polarize them, separate them, create wedges in the relationship. Or it can bring them closer together on a higher level. If they have cultivated the habits of effective interdependence, they approach their differences from an entirely different paradigm. Their communication is on a higher level. ...
Because they have a high Emotional Bank Account, they have trust and open communication in their marriage. Because they Think Win-Win, they believe in a Third Alternative, a solution that is mutually beneficial and is better than what either of them originally proposed. Because they listen empathically and seek first to understand, they create within themselves and between them a comprehensive picture of the values and the concerns that need to be taken into account in making a decision. ...
And the combination of those ingredients – the high Emotional Bank Account, thinking win-win, and seeking first to understand – creates the ideal environment for synergy. ...
Buddhism calls this “the middle way.” Middle in this sense does not mean compromise; it means higher, like the apex of the triangle. ...
In searching for the “middle” or higher way, this husband and wife realize that their love, their relationship, is part of their synergy ...
As they communicate, the husband really, deeply feels his wife’s desire, her need to be with her mother. He understands how she wants to relieve her sister, who has had the primary responsibility for their mother’s care. He understands that they really don’t know how long she will be with them, and that she certainly is more important than fishing. ...
And the wife deeply understands her husband’s desire to have the family together and to provide a great experience for the boys. She realizes the investment that has been made in lessons and equipment to prepare for this fishing vacation, and she feels the importance of creating good memories with them. ...
So they pool those desires. And they’re not on opposite sides of the problem. They’re together on one side, looking at the problem, understanding the needs, and working to create a Third Alternative that will meet them. ...
“Maybe we could arrange another time within the month for you to visit with your mother,” he suggests. "I could take over the home responsibilities for the weekend and ...
arrange for some help at the first of the week so that you could go. I know it’s important to you to have that time. ...
“Or maybe we could locate a place to camp and fish that would be close to your mother. The area wouldn’t be as nice, but we could still be outdoors and meet other needs as well. And the boys wouldn’t be climbing the walls. We could even plan some recreational activities with the cousins, aunts, and uncles, which would be an added benefit.” ...
They synergize. They communicate back and forth until they come up with a solution they both feel good about. It’s better than the solutions either of them originally proposed. It’s better than compromise. It’s a synergistic solution that builds P and PC. ...
Instead of a transaction, it’s a transformation. They get what they both really want and build their relationship in the process. ...
Negative Synergy ...
Seeking the Third Alternative is a major Paradigm Shift from the dichotomous, either/or mentality. But look at the difference in results. ...
How much negative energy is typically expended when people try to solve problems or make decisions in an interdependent reality? How much time is spent in confessing other people’s sins, politicking, rivalry, interpersonal conflict, protecting one’s backside, masterminding, and second guessing? It’s like trying to drive down the road with one foot on the gas and the other foot on the brake. ...
And instead of getting a foot off the brake, most people give it more gas. They try to apply more pressure, more eloquence, more logical information to strengthen their position. ...
The problem is that highly dependent people are trying to succeed in an interdependent reality. They’re either dependent on borrowing strength from position power and they go for win-lose or they’re dependent on being popular with others and they go for lose-win. They may talk win-win technique, but they don’t really want to listen; they want to manipulate. And synergy can’t thrive in that environment. ...
Insecure people think that all reality should be amenable to their paradigms. They have a high need to clone others, to mold them over into their own thinking. They don’t realize that the very strength of the relationship is in having another point of view. Sameness is not oneness; uniformity is not unity. Unity, or oneness, is complementariness, not sameness. Sameness is uncreative…and boring. The essence of synergy is to value the differences. ...
I’ve come to believe that the key to interpersonal synergy is intrapersonal synergy, that is synergy within ourselves. The heart of interpersonal synergy is embodied in the principles in the first three habits, which give the internal security sufficient to handle the risks of being open and vulnerable. By internalizing those principles, we develop the Abundance Mentality of win-win and the authenticity of Habit 5 . ...
One of the very practical results of being principle-centered is that it makes us whole -truly integrated. People who are scripted deeply in logical, verbal, left-brain thinking will discover how totally inadequate that thinking is in solving problems which require a great deal of creativity. They become aware and begin to open up a new script inside ...
their right brain. It’s not that the right brain wasn’t there; it just lay dormant. The muscles had not been developed, or perhaps they had atrophied after early childhood because of the heavy left-brain emphasis of formal education or social scripting. ...
When a person has access to both the intuitive, creative, and visual right brain, and the analytical, logical, verbal left brain, then the whole brain is working. In other words, there is psychic synergy taking place in our own head. And this tool is best suited to the reality of what life is, because life is not just logical – it is also emotional. ...
One day I was presenting a seminar which I titled, “Manage from the Left, Lead from the Right” to a company in Orlando, Florida. During the break, the president of the company came up to me and said, "Stephen, this is intriguing. But I have been thinking about this material more in terms of its application to my marriage than to my business. My wife and I have a real communication problem. I wonder if you would have lunch with the two of us and just kind of watch how we talk to each other? ...
“Let’s do it,” I replied. ...
As we sat down together, we exchanged a few pleasantries. Then this man turned to his wife and said, “Now, honey, I’ve invited Stephen to have lunch with us to see if he could help us in our communication with each other. I know you feel I should be a more sensitive, considerate husband. Could you give me something specific you think I ought to do?” His dominant left brain wanted facts, figures, specifics, parts. ...
“Well, as I’ve told you before, it’s nothing specific. It’s more of a general sense I have about priorities.” Her dominant right brain was dealing with sensing and with the gestalt, the whole, the relationship between the parts. ...
“What do you mean, ‘a general feeling about priorities’? What is it you want me to do? Give me something specific I can get a handle on.” ...
“Well, it’s just a feeling.” Her right brain was dealing in images, intuitive feelings. “I just don’t think our marriage is as important to you as you tell me it is.” ...
“Well, what can I do to make it more important? Give me something concrete and specific to go on.” ...
“It’s hard to put into words.” ...
At that point, he just rolled his eyes and looked at me as if to say, “Stephen, could you endure this kind of dumbness in your marriage?” ...
“It’s just a feeling,” she said, “a very strong feeling.” ...
“Honey,” he said to her, “that’s your problem. And that’s the problem with your mother. In fact, it’s the problem with every woman I know.” ...
Then he began to interrogate her as though it were some kind of legal deposition. ...
“Do you live where you want to live?” ...
“That’s not it,” she sighed. “That’s not it at all.” ...
“I know,” he replied with a forced patience. “But since you won’t tell me exactly what it is, I figure the best way to find out what it is is to find out what it is not. Do you live where you want to live?” ...
“I guess.” ...
“Honey, Stephen’s here for just a few minutes to try to help us. Just give me a quick ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. Do you live where you want to live?” ...
“Yes.” ...
“Okay. That’s settled. Do you have the things you want to have?” ...
“Yes.” ...
“All right. Do you do the things you want to do?” ...
This went on for a little while, and I could see I wasn’t helping at all. So I intervened and said, “Is this kind of how it goes in your relationship?” ...
“Every day, Stephen,” he replied. ...
“It’s the story of our marriage,” she sighed. ...
I looked at the two of them and the thought crossed my mind that they were two halfbrained people living together. “Do you have any children?” I asked. ...
“Yes, two.” ...
“Really?” I asked incredulously. “How did you do it?” ...
“What do you mean how did we do it?” ...
“You were synergistic!” I said. “One plus one usually equals two. But you made one plus one equal four. Now that’s synergy. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. So how did you do it?” ...
“You know how we did it,” he replied. ...
“You must have valued the differences!” I exclaimed. ...
Valuing the Differences ...
Valuing the differences is the essence of synergy – the mental, the emotional, the psychological differences between people. And the key to valuing those differences is to realize that all people see the world, not as it is, but as they are. ...
If I think I see the world as it is, why would I want to value the differences? Why would I even want to bother with someone who’s “off track”? My paradigm is that I am objective; I see the world as it is. Everyone else is buried by the minutia, but I see the larger picture. That’s why they call me a supervisor – I have super vision. ...
If that’s my paradigm, then I will never be effectively interdependent, or even effectively ...
independent, for that matter. I will be limited by the paradigms of my own conditioning. ...
The person who is truly effective has the humility and reverence to recognize his own perceptual limitations and to appreciate the rich resources available through interaction with the hearts and minds of other human beings. That person values the differences because those differences add to his knowledge, to his understanding of reality. When we’re left to our own experiences, we constantly suffer from a shortage of data. ...
Is it logical that two people can disagree and that both can be right? It’s not logical: it’s psychological. And it’s very real. You see the young lady; I see the old woman. We’re both looking at the same picture, and both of us are right. We see the same black lines, the same white spaces. But we interpret them differently because we’ve been conditioned to interpret them differently. ...
And unless we value the differences in our perceptions, unless we value each other and give credence to the possibility that we’re both right, that life is not always a dichotomous either/or, that there are almost always Third Alternatives, we will never be able to transcend the limits of that conditioning. ...
All I may see is the old woman. But I realize that you see something else. And I value you. value your perception. I want to understand. ...
So when I become aware of the difference in our perceptions, I say, “Good! You see it differently! Help me see what you see.” ...
If two people have the same opinion, one is unnecessary. It’s not going to do me any good at all to communicate with someone else who sees only the old woman also. I don’t want to talk, to communicate, with someone who agrees with me; I want to communicate with you because you see it differently. I value that difference. ...
By doing that, I not only increase my own awareness; I also affirm you. I give you psychological air. I take my foot off the brake and release the negative energy you may have invested in defending a particular position. I create an environment for synergy. ...
The importance of valuing the difference is captured in an often-quoted fable called “The Animal School,” written by educator Dr. R. H. Reeves. ...
Once upon a time, the animals decided they must do something heroic to meet the problems of a “New World,” so they organized a school. They adopted an activity curriculum consisting of running, climbing, swimming, and flying. To make it easier to administer, all animals took all the subjects. ...
The duck was excellent in swimming, better in fact than his instructor, and made excellent grades in flying, but he was very poor in running. Since he was low in running he had to stay after school and also drop swimming to practice running. This was kept up until his web feet were badly worn and he was only average in swimming. But average was acceptable in school, so nobody worried about that except the duck. ...
The rabbit started at the top of the class in running, but had a nervous breakdown because of so much makeup in swimming. ...
The squirrel was excellent in climbing until he developed frustrations in the flying class where his teacher made him start from the ground up instead of from the tree-top down. ...
He also developed charley horses from over-exertion and he got a C in climbing and a D in running. ...
The eagle was a problem child and had to be disciplined severely. In climbing class he beat all the others to the top of the tree, but insisted on using his own way of getting there. ...
At the end of the year, an abnormal eel that could swim exceedingly well and also could run, climb and fly a little had the highest average and was valedictorian. ...
The prairie dogs stayed out of school and fought the tax levy because the administration would not add digging and burrowing to the curriculum. They apprenticed their children to the badger and later joined the groundhogs and gophers to start a successful private school. ...
Force Field Analysis ...
In an interdependent situation, synergy is particularly powerful in dealing with negative forces that work against growth and change. ...
Sociologist Kurt Lewin developed a “Force Field Analysis” model in which he described any current level of performance or being as a state of equilibrium between the driving forces that encourage upward movement and the restraining forces that discourage it. ...
Driving forces generally are positive, reasonable, logical, conscious, and economic. In juxtaposition, restraining forces are often negative, emotional, illogical, unconscious, and social/psychological. Both sets of forces are very real and must be taken into account in dealing with change. ...
In a family, for example, you have a certain “climate” in the home – a certain level of positive or negative interaction, of feeling safe or unsafe in expressing feelings or talking about concerns, of respect or disrespect in communication among family members. ...
You may really want to change that level. You may want to create a climate that is more positive, more respectful, more open and trusting. Your logical reasons for doing that are the driving forces that act to raise the level… ...
But increasing those driving forces is not enough. Your efforts are opposed by restraining forces --by the competitive spirit between children in the family, by the different scripting of home life you and your spouse have brought to the relationship, by habits that have developed in the family, by work or other demands on your time and energies. ...
Increasing the driving forces may bring results – for a while. But as long as the restraining forces are there, it becomes increasingly harder. It’s like pushing against a spring: the harder you push, the harder it is to push until the force of the spring suddenly thrusts the level back down. ...
The resulting up and down, yo-yo effect causes you to feel, after several attempts, that people are “just the way they are” and that “it’s too difficult to change.” ...
But when you introduce synergy, you use the motive of Habit 4, the skill of Habit 5, and the interaction of Habit 6 to work directly on the restraining forces. You unfreeze them, loosen them up, and create new insights that actually transform those restraining forces ...
into driving ones. You involve people in the problem, immerse them in it, so that they soak it in and feel it is their problem and they tend to become an important part of the solution. ...
As a result, new goals, shared goals, are created, and the whole enterprise moves upward, often in ways that no one could have anticipated. And the excitement contained within that movement creates a new culture. The people involved in it are enmeshed in each other’s humanity and empowered by new, fresh thinking, by new creative alternatives and opportunities. ...
I’ve been involved several times in negotiations between people who were angry at each other and hired lawyers to defend their positions. And all that did was to exacerbate the problem because the interpersonal communication deteriorated as it went through the legal process. But the trust level was so low that the parties felt they had no other alternative than to take the issues to court. ...
“Would you be interested in going for a win-win solution that both parties feel really good about?” I would ask. ...
The response was usually affirmative, but most people didn’t really think it was possible. ...
“If I can get the other party to agree, would you be willing to start the process of really communicating with each other?” ...
Again, the answer was usually “yes.” ...
The results in almost every case have been astounding. Problems that had been legally and psychologically wrangled about for months have been settled in a matter of a few hours or days. Most of the solutions weren’t the courthouse compromise solutions either; they were synergistic, better than the solutions proposed independently by either party. And, in most cases, the relationships continued even though it had appeared in the beginning that the trust level was so low and the rupture in the relationship so large as to be almost irreparable. ...
At one of our development programs, an executive reported a situation where a manufacturer was being sued by a longtime industrial customer for lack of performance. Both parties felt totally justified in the rightness of their position and perceived each other as unethical and completely untrustworthy. ...
As they began to practice Habit 5, two things became clear. First, early communication problems resulted in a misunderstanding which was later exacerbated by accusations and counteraccusations. Second, both were initially acting in good faith and didn’t like the cost and hassle of a legal fight, but saw no other way out. ...
Once these two things became clear, the spirit of Habits 4, 5, and 6 took over, the problem was rapidly resolved, and the relationship continues to prosper. ...
In another circumstance, I received an early morning phone call from a land developer desperately searching for help. The bank wanted to foreclose because he was not complying with the principal and interest payment schedule, and he was suing the bank to avoid the foreclosure. He needed additional funding to finish and market the land so that he could repay the bank, but the bank refused to provide additional funds until ...
scheduled payments were met. It was a chicken-and-egg problem with undercapitalization. ...
In the meantime, the project was languishing. The streets were beginning to look like weed fields, and the owners of the few homes that had been built were up in arms as they saw their property values drop. The city was also upset over the “prime land” project falling behind schedule and becoming an eyesore. Tens of thousands of dollars in legal costs had already been spent by the bank and the developer and the case wasn’t scheduled to come to court for several months. ...
In desperation, this developer reluctantly agreed to try the principles of Habits 4, 5, and 6 . He arranged a meeting with even more reluctant bank officials. ...
The meeting started at 8 A.M. in one of the bank conference rooms. The tension and mistrust were palpable. The attorney for the bank had committed the bank officials to say nothing. They were only to listen and he alone would speak. He wanted nothing to happen that would compromise the bank’s position in court. ...
For the first hour and a half, I taught Habits 4, 5, and 6. At 9:30 I went to the blackboard and wrote down the bank’s concerns based on our prior understanding. Initially the bank officials said nothing, but the more we communicated win-win intentions and sought first to understand, the more they opened up to explain and clarify. ...
As they began to feel understood, the whole atmosphere changed and a sense of momentum, of excitement over the prospect of peacefully settling the problem was clearly evident. Over the attorney’s objections the bank officials opened up even more, even about personal concerns. “When we walk out of here the first thing the bank president will say is, ‘Did we get our money?’ What are we going to say?” ...
By 11:00, the bank officers were still convinced of their rightness, but they felt understood and were no longer defensive and officious. At that point, they were sufficiently open to listen to the developer’s concerns, which we wrote down on the other side of the blackboard. This resulted in deeper mutual understanding and a collective awareness of how poor early communication had resulted in misunderstanding and unrealistic expectations, and how continuous communication in a win-win spirit could have prevented the subsequent major problems from developing. ...
The shared sense of both chronic and acute pain combined with a sense of genuine progress kept everyone communicating. By noon, when the meeting was scheduled to end, the people were positive, creative, and synergistic and wanted to keep talking. ...
The very first recommendation made by the developer was seen as a beginning win-win approach by all. It was synergized on and improved, and at 12:45 P.M. the developer and the two bank officers left with a plan to present together to the Home Owners’ Association and the city. Despite subsequent complicating developments, the legal fight was aborted and the building project continued to a successful conclusion. ...
I am not suggesting that people should not use legal processes. Some situations absolutely require it. But I see it as a court of last, not first, resort. If it is used too early, even in a preventive sense, sometimes fear and the legal paradigm create subsequent thought and action processes that are not synergistic. ...
All Nature is Synergistic ...
Ecology is a word which basically describes the synergism in nature – everything is related to everything else. It’s in the relationship that creative powers are maximized, just as the real power in these Seven Habits is in their relationship to each other, not just in the individual habits themselves. ...
The relationship of the parts is also the power in creating a synergistic culture inside a family or an organization. The more genuine the involvement, the more sincere and sustained the participation in analyzing and solving problems, the greater the release of everyone’s creativity, and of their commitment to what they create. This, I’m convinced, is the essence of the power in the Japanese approach to business, which has changed the world marketplace. ...
Synergy works; it’s a correct principle. It is the crowning achievement of all the previous habits. It is effectiveness in an interdependent reality – it is teamwork, team building, the development of unity and creativity with other human beings. ...
Although you cannot control the paradigms of others in an interdependent interaction or the synergistic process itself, a great deal of synergy is within your Circle of Influence. ...
Your own internal synergy is completely within the circle. You can respect both sides of your own nature – the analytical side and the creative side. You can value the difference between them and use that difference to catalyze creativity. ...
You can be synergistic within yourself even in the midst of a very adversarial environment. You don’t have to take insults personally. You can sidestep negative energy; you can look for the good in others and utilize that good, as different as it may be, to improve you point of view and to enlarge your perspective. ...
You can exercise the courage in interdependent situations to be open, to express your ideas, your feelings, and your experiences in a way that will encourage other people to be open also. ...
You can value the difference in other people. When someone disagrees with you, you can say, “Good! You see it differently.” You don’t have to agree with them; you can simply affirm them. And you can seek to understand. ...
When you see only two alternatives – yours and the “wrong” one – you can look for a synergistic Third Alternative. There’s almost always a Third Alternative, and if you work with a win-win philosophy and really seek to understand, you usually can find a solution that will be better for everyone concerned. ...
Application Suggestions ...
Think about a person who typically sees things differently than you do. Consider ways in which those differences might be used as stepping-stones to Third Alternative solutions. Perhaps you could seek out his or her views on a current project or problem, valuing the different views you are likely to hear. ...
Make a list of people who irritate you. Do they represent different views that could lead to synergy if you had greater intrinsic security and valued the differences. ...
Identify a situation in which you desire greater teamwork and synergy. What conditions would need to exist to support synergy? What can you do to create those conditions. ...
The next time you have a disagreement or confrontation with someone, attempt to understand the concerns underlying that person’s position. Address those concerns in a creative and mutually beneficial way. ...
Part Four -- RENEWAL ...
Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw TM ...
Principles of Balanced Self-Renewal ...
Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things… I am tempted to think…there are no little things. ...
– Bruce Barton ...
**
Suppose you were to come upon someone in the woods working feverishly to saw down a tree. ...
“What are you doing?” you ask. ...
“Can’t you see?” comes the impatient reply. “I’m sawing down this tree.” ...
“You look exhausted!” you exclaim. “How long have you been at it?” ...
“Over five hours,” he returns, “and I’m beat! This is hard work.” ...
“Well, why don’t you take a break for a few minutes and sharpen the saw?” you inquire. “I’m sure it would go a lot faster.” ...
“I don’t have time to sharpen the saw,” the man says emphatically. “I’m too busy sawing!” ...
Habit 7 is taking time to Sharpen the Saw. It surrounds the other habits on the Seven Habits paradigm because it is the habit that makes all the others possible. ...
Four Dimensions of Renewal ...
Habit 7 is personal PC. It’s preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have – you. It’s renewing the four dimensions of your nature – physical, spiritual, mental, and social/emotional. ...
Although different words are used, most philosophies of life deal either explicitly or implicitly with these four dimensions. Philosopher Herb Shepherd describes the healthy balanced life around four values: perspective (spiritual), autonomy (mental), connectedness (social), and tone (physical). George Sheehan, the running guru, describes four roles: being a good animal (physical), a good craftsman (mental), a good friend (social), and a saint (spiritual). Sound motivation and organization theory embrace these four dimensions or motivations – the economic (physical); how people are treated (social); how people are developed and used (mental); and the service, the job, the contribution the organization gives (spiritual). ...
“Sharpen the Saw” basically means expressing all four motivations. It means exercising all four dimensions of our nature, regularly and consistently, in wise and balanced ways. ...
To do this, we must be proactive. Taking time to sharpen the saw is a definite Quadrant II activity, and Quadrant II must be acted on. Quadrant I, because of its urgency, acts on us; it presses upon us constantly. Personal PC must be pressed upon until it becomes second nature, until it becomes a kind of healthy addiction. Because it’s at the center of our Circle of Influence, no one else can do it for us. We must do it for ourselves. ...
This is the single most powerful investment we can ever make in life – investment in ourselves, in the only instrument we have with which to deal with life and to contribute. We are the instruments of our own performance, and to be effective, we need to recognize the importance of taking time regularly to sharpen the saw in all four ways. ...
The Physical Dimension ...
The physical dimension involves caring effectively for our physical body – eating the right kinds of foods, getting sufficient rest and relaxation, and exercising on a regular basis. ...
Exercise is one of those Quadrant II, high-leverage activities that most of us don’t do consistently because it isn’t urgent. And because we don’t do it, sooner or later we find ourselves in Quadrant I, dealing with the health problems and crises that come as a natural result of our neglect. ...
Most of us think we don’t have enough time to exercise. What a distorted paradigm! We don’t have time not to. We’re talking about three to six hours a week – or a minimum of thirty minutes a day, every other day. That hardly seems an inordinate amount of time considering the tremendous benefits in terms of the impact on the other 162-165 hours of the week. ...
And you don’t need any special equipment to do it. If you want to go to a gym or a spa to use the equipment or enjoy some skill sports such as tennis or racquetball, that’s an added opportunity. But it isn’t necessary to sharpen the saw. ...
A good exercise program is one that you can do in your own home and one that will build your body in three areas: endurance, flexibility, and strength. ...
Endurance comes from aerobic exercise, from cardiovascular efficiency – the ability of your heart to pump blood through your body. ...
Although the heart is a muscle, it cannot be exercised directly. It can only be exercised through the large muscle groups, particularly the leg muscles. That’s why exercises like rapid walking, running, biking, swimming, cross-country skiing, and jogging are so beneficial. ...
You are considered minimally fit if you can increase your heart rate to at least 100 beats per minute and keep it at that level for 30 minutes. ...
Ideally you should try to raise your heart rate to at least 60 percent of your maximum pulse rate, the top speed your heart can beat and still pump blood through your body. Your maximum heart rate is generally accepted to be 220 less your age. So, if you are 40 , you should aim for an exercise heart rate of 108(220-40=180 xx.6=108)108(220-40=180 \times .6=108). The “training ...
effect” is generally considered to be between 72 and 87 percent of your personal maximum rate. ...
Flexibility comes through stretching. Most experts recommend warming up before and cooling down/stretching after aerobic exercise. Before, it helps loosen and warm the muscles to prepare for more vigorous exercise. After, it helps to dissipate the lactic acid so that you don’t feel sore and stiff. ...
Strength comes from muscle resistance exercises – like simple calisthenics, push-ups, and sit-ups, and from working with weights. How much emphasis you put on developing strength depends on your situation. If you’re involved in physical labor or athletic activities, increased strength will improve your skill. If you have a basically sedentary job and success in your life-style does not require a lot of strength, a little toning through calisthenics in addition to your aerobic and stretching exercises might be sufficient. ...
I was in a gym one time with a friend of mine who has a Ph. D. in exercise physiology. He was focusing on building strength. He asked me to “spot” him while he did some bench presses and told me at a certain point he’d ask me to take the weight. “But don’t take it until I tell you,” he said firmly. ...
So I watched and waited and prepared to take the weight. The weight went up and down, up and down. And I could see it begin to get harder. But he kept going. He would start to push it up and I’d think, “There’s no way he’s going to make it.” But he’d make it. Then he’d slowly bring it back down and start back up again. Up and down, up and down. ...
Finally, as I looked at his face, straining with the effort, his blood vessels practically jumping out of his skin, I thought, “This is going to fall and collapse his chest. Maybe I should take the weight. Maybe he’s lost control and he doesn’t even know what he’s doing.” But he’d get it safely down. Then he’d start back up again. I couldn’t believe it" ...
“Almost all the benefit of the exercise comes at the very end, Stephen,” he replied. “I’m trying to build strength. And that doesn’t happen until the muscle fiber ruptures and the nerve fiber registers the pain. Then nature overcompensates and within 48 hours, the fiber is made stronger.” ...
I could see his point. It’s the same principle that works with emotional muscles as well, such as patience. When you exercise your patience beyond your past limits, the emotional fiber is broken, nature overcompensates, and next time the fiber is stronger. ...
Now my friend wanted to build muscular strength. And he knew how to do it. But not all of us need to develop that kind of strength to be effective. “No pain, no gain” has validity in some circumstances, but it is not the essence of an effective exercise program. ...
The essence of renewing the physical dimension is to sharpen the saw, to exercise our bodies on a regular basis in a way that will preserve and enhance our capacity to work and adapt and enjoy. ...
And we need to be wise in developing an exercise program. There’s a tendency, especially if you haven’t been exercising at all, to overdo. And that can create unnecessary pain, injury, and even permanent damage. It’s best to start slowly. Any exercise program should be in harmony with the latest research findings, with your doctor’s recommendations and with your own self-awareness. ...
If you haven’t been exercising, your body will undoubtedly protest this change in its comfortable downhill direction. You won’t like it at first. You may even hate it. But be proactive. Do it anyway. Even if it’s raining on the morning you’ve scheduled to jog, do it anyway. “Oh good! It’s raining! I get to develop my willpower as well as my body!” ...
You’re not dealing with quick fix; you’re dealing with a Quadrant II activity that will bring phenomenal long-term results. Ask anyone who has done it consistently. Little by little, your resting pulse rate will go down as your heart and oxygen processing system becomes more efficient. As you increase your body’s ability to do more demanding things, you’ll find your normal activities much more comfortable and pleasant. You’ll have more afternoon energy, and the fatigue you’ve felt that’s made you “too tired” to exercise in the past will be replaced by an energy that will invigorate everything you do. ...
Probably the greatest benefit you will experience from exercising will be the development of your Habit 1 muscles of proactivity. As you act based on the value of physical wellbeing instead of reacting to all the forces that keep you from exercising, your paradigm of yourself, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your integrity will be profoundly affected. ...
The Spiritual Dimension ...
Renewing the spiritual dimension provides leadership to your life. It’s highly related to Habit 2. ...
The spiritual dimension is your core, your center, your commitment to your value system. It’s a very private area of life and a supremely important one. It draws upon the sources that inspire and uplift you and tie you to the timeless truths of all humanity. And people do it very, very differently. ...
I find renewal in daily prayerful meditation on the scriptures because they represent my value system. As I read and meditate, I feel renewed, strengthened, centered, and recommitted to serve. ...
Immersion in great literature or great music can provide a similar renewal of the spirit for some. There are others who find it in the way they communicate with nature. Nature bequeaths its own blessing on those who immerse themselves in it. When you’re able to leave the noise and the discord of the city and give yourself up to the harmony and rhythm of nature, you come back renewed. For a time, you’re undisturbable, almost unflappable, until gradually the noise and the discord from outside start to invade that sense of inner peace. ...
Arthur Gordon shares a wonderful, intimate story of his own spiritual renewal in a little story called “The Turn of the Tide.” It tells of a time in his life when he began to feel that everything was stale and flat. His enthusiasm waned; his writing efforts were fruitless. And the situation was growing worse day by day. ...
Finally, he determined to get help from a medical doctor. Observing nothing physically wrong, the doctor asked him if he would be able to follow his instructions for one day. ...
When Gordon replied that he could, the doctor told him to spend the following day in the place where he was happiest as a child. He could take food, but he was not to talk to anyone or to read or write or listen to the radio. He then wrote out four prescriptions and told him to open one at nine, twelve, three, and six o’clock. ...
“Are you serious?” Gordon asked him. ...
“You won’t think I’m joking when you get my bill!” was the reply. ...
So the next morning, Gordon went to the beach. As he opened the first prescription, he read “Listen carefully.” He thought the doctor was insane. How could he listen for three hours? But he had agreed to follow the doctor’s orders, so he listened. He heard the usual sounds of the sea and the birds. After a while, he could hear the other sounds that weren’t so apparent at first. As he listened, he began to think of lessons the sea had taught him as a child – patience, respect, an awareness of the interdependence of things. He began to listen to the sounds – and the silence – and to feel a growing peace. ...
At noon, he opened the second slip of paper and read “Try reaching back.” “Reaching back to what?” he wondered. Perhaps to childhood, perhaps to memories of happy times. He thought about his past, about the many little moments of joy. He tried to remember them with exactness. And in remembering, he found a growing warmth inside. ...
At three o’clock, he opened the third piece of paper. Until now, the prescriptions had been easy to take. But this one was different; it said “Examine your motives.” At first he was defensive. He thought about what he wanted – success, recognition, security, and he justified them all. But then the thought occurred to him that those motives weren’t good enough, and that perhaps therein was the answer to his stagnant situation. ...
He considered his motives deeply. He thought about past happiness. And at last, the answer came to him. ...
“In a flash of certainty,” he wrote, “I saw that if one’s motives are wrong, nothing can be right. It makes no difference whether you are a mailman, a hairdresser, an insurance salesman, a housewife – whatever. As long as you feel you are serving others, you do the job well. When you are concerned only with helping yourself, you do it less well – a law as inexorable as gravity.” ...
When six o’clock came, the final prescription didn’t take long to fill. “Write your worries on the sand,” it said. He knelt and wrote several words with a piece of broken shell; then he turned and walked away. He didn’t look back; he knew the tide would come in. ...
Spiritual renewal takes an investment of time. But it’s a Quadrant II activity we don’t really have time to neglect. ...
The great reformer Martin Luther is quoted as saying, “I have so much to do today, I’ll need to spend another hour on my knees.” To him, prayer was not a mechanical duty but rather a source of power in releasing and multiplying his energies. ...
Someone once inquired of a Far Eastern Zen master, who had a great serenity and peace about him no matter what pressures he faced, “How do you maintain that serenity and peace?” He replied, “I never leave my place of meditation.” He meditated early in the morning and for the rest of the day, he carried the peace of those moments with him in his mind and heart. ...
The idea is that when we take time to draw on the leadership center of our lives, what life is ultimately all about, it spreads like an umbrella over everything else. It renews us, it refreshes us, particularly if we recommit to it. ...
This is why I believe a personal mission statement is so important. If we have a deep understanding of our center and our purpose, we can review and recommit to it frequently. In our daily spiritual renewal, we can visualize and “live out” the events of the day in harmony with those values. ...
Religious leader David O. McKay taught, “The greatest battles of life are fought out daily in the silent chambers of the soul.” If you win the battles there, if you settle the issues that inwardly conflict, you feel a sense of peace, a sense of knowing what you’re about. And you’ll find that the Public Victories – where you tend to think cooperatively, to promote the welfare and good of other people, and to be genuinely happy for other people’s successes – will follow naturally. ...
The Mental Dimension ...
Most of our mental development and study discipline comes through formal education. But as soon as we leave the external discipline of school, many of us let our minds atrophy. We don’t do any more serious reading, we don’t explore new subjects in any real depth outside our action fields, we don’t think analytically, we don’t write – at least not critically or in a way that tests our ability to express ourselves in distilled, clear, and concise language. Instead, we spend our time watching TV. ...
Continuing surveys indicate that television is on in most homes some 35 to 45 hours a week. That’s as much time as many people put into their jobs, more than most put into school. It’s the most powerful socializing influence there is. And when we watch, we’re subject to all the values that are being taught through it. That can powerfully influence us in very subtle and imperceptible ways. ...
Wisdom in watching television requires the effective self-management of Habit 3, which enables you to discriminate and to select the informing, inspiring, and entertaining programs which best serve and express your purpose and values. ...
In our family, we limit television watching to around seven hours a week, an average of about an hour a day. We had a family council at which we talked about it and looked at some of the data regarding what’s happening in homes because of television. We found that by discussing it as a family when no one was defensive or argumentative, people started to realize the dependent sickness of becoming addicted to soap operas or to a steady diet of a particular program. ...
I’m grateful for television and for the many high-quality educational and entertainment programs. They can enrich our lives and contribute meaningfully to our purposes and goals. But there are many programs that simply waste our time and minds and many that influence us in negative ways if we let them. Like the body, television is a good servant but a poor master. We need to practice Habit 3 and manage ourselves effectively to maximize the use of any resource in accomplishing our missions. ...
Education – continuing education, continually honing and expanding the mind – is vital mental renewal. Sometimes that involves the external discipline of the classroom or systematized study programs; more often it does not. Proactive people can figure out many, many ways to educate themselves. ...
It is extremely valuable to train the mind to stand apart and examine its own program. That, to me, is the definition of a liberal education – the ability to examine the programs of life against larger questions and purposes and other paradigms. Training, without such ...
education, narrows and closes the mind so that the assumptions underlying the training are never examined. That’s why it is so valuable to read broadly and to expose yourself to great minds. ...
There’s no better way to inform and expand your mind on a regular basis than to get into the habit of reading good literature. That’s another high-leverage Quadrant II activity. You can get into the best minds that are now or that have ever been in the world. I highly recommend starting with a goal of a book a month then a book every two weeks, then a book a week. “The person who doesn’t read is no better off than the person who can’t read.” ...
Quality literature, such as the Great Books, the Harvard Classics, autobiographies, National Geographic and other publications that expand our cultural awareness, and current literature in various fields can expand our paradigms and sharpen our mental saw, particularly if we practice Habit 5 as we read and seek first to understand. If we use our own autobiography to make early judgments before we really understand what an author has to say, we limit the benefits of the reading experience. ...
Writing is another powerful way to sharpen the mental saw. Keeping a journal of our thoughts, experiences, insights, and learnings promotes mental clarity, exactness, and context. Writing good letters – communicating on the deeper level of thoughts, feelings, and ideas rather than on the shallow, superficial level of events – also affects our ability to think clearly, to reason accurately, and to be understood effectively. ...
Organizing and planning represent other forms of mental renewal associated with Habits 2 and 3 . It’s beginning with the end in mind and being able mentally to organize to accomplish that end. It’s exercising the visualizing, imagining power of your mind to see the end from the beginning and to see the entire journey, at least in principles, if not in steps. ...
It is said that wars are won in the general’s tent. Sharpening the saw in the first three dimensions – the physical, the spiritual, and the mental – is a practice I call the “Daily Private Victory.” And I commend to you the simple practice of spending one hour a day every day doing it – one hour a day for the rest of your life. ...
There’s no other way you could spend an hour that would begin to compare with the Daily Private Victory in terms of value and results. It will affect every decision, every relationship. It will greatly improve the quality, the effectiveness, of every other hour of the day, including the depth and restfulness of your sleep. It will build the long-term physical, spiritual, and mental strength to enable you to handle difficult challenges in life. ...
In the words of Phillips Brooks: ...
Some day, in the years to come, you will be wrestling with the great temptation, or trembling under the great sorrow of your life. But the real struggle is here, now. Now it is being decided whether, in the day of your supreme sorrow or temptation, you shall miserably fail or gloriously conquer. Character cannot be made except by a steady, long continued process. ...
The Social/Emotional Dimension ...
While the physical, spiritual, and mental dimensions are closely related to Habits 1, 2, and 3 – ...
centered on the principles of personal vision, leadership, and management – the social/emotional dimension focuses on Habits 4, 5, and 6 – centered on the principles of interpersonal leadership, empathic communication, and creative cooperation. ...
The social and the emotional dimensions of our lives are tied together because our emotional life is primarily, but not exclusively, developed out of and manifested in our relationships with others. ...
Renewing our social/emotional dimension does not take time in the same sense that renewing the other dimensions does. We can do it in our normal everyday interactions with other people. But it definitely requires exercise. We may have to push ourselves because many of us have not achieved the level of Private Victory and the skills of Public Victory necessary for Habits 4, 5, and 6 to come naturally to us in all our interactions. ...
Suppose that you are a key person in my life. You might be my boss, my subordinate, my co-worker, my friend, my neighbor, my spouse, my child, a member of my extended family – anyone with whom I want or need to interact. Suppose we need to communicate together, to work together, to discuss a jugular issue, to accomplish a purpose or solve a problem. But we see things differently; we’re looking through different glasses. You see the young lady, and I see the old woman. ...
So I practice Habit 4. I come to you and I say, “I can see that we’re approaching this situation differently. Why don’t we agree to communicate until we can find a solution we both feel good about. Would you be willing to do that?” Most people would be willing to say “yes” to that. ...
Then I move to Habit 5. “Let me listen to you first.” Instead of listening with intent to reply, I listen empathically in order to deeply, thoroughly understand your paradigm. When I can explain your point of view as well as you can, then I focus on communicating my point of view to you so that you can understand it as well. ...
Based on the commitment to search for a solution that we both feel good about and a deep understanding of each other’s points of view, we move to Habit 6. We work together to produce Third Alternative solutions to our differences that we both recognize are better than the ones either you or I proposed initially. ...
Success in Habits 4, 5, and 6 is not primarily a matter of intellect; it’s primarily a matter of emotion. It’s highly related to our sense of personal security. ...
If our personal security comes from sources within ourselves, then we have the strength to practice the habits of Public Victory. If we are emotionally insecure, even though we may be intellectually very advanced, practicing Habits 4,5 , and 6 with people who think differently on jugular issues of life can be terribly threatening. ...
Where does intrinsic security come from? It doesn’t come from the scripts they’ve handed us. It doesn’t come from our circumstances or our position. ...
It comes from within. It comes from accurate paradigms and correct principles deep in our own mind and heart. It comes from Inside-Out congruence, from living a life of integrity in which our daily habits reflect our deepest values. ...
I believe that a life of integrity is the most fundamental source of personal worth. I do not agree with the popular success literature that says that self-esteem is primarily a matter of mindset, of attitude – that you can psyche yourself into peace of mind. ...
Peace of mind comes when your life is in harmony with true principles and values and in no other way. ...
There is also the intrinsic security that comes as a result of effective interdependent living. There is security in knowing that win-win solutions do exist, that life is not always “either/or,” that there are almost always mutually beneficial Third Alternatives. There is security in knowing that you can step out of your own frame of reference without giving it up, that you can really, deeply understand another human being. There is security that comes when you authentically, creatively, and cooperatively interact with other people and really experience these interdependent habits. ...
There is intrinsic security that comes from service, from helping other people in a meaningful way. One important source is your work, when you see yourself in a contributive and creative mode, really making a difference. Another source is anonymous service – no one knows it and no one necessarily ever will. And that’s not the concern; the concern is blessing the lives of other people. Influence, not recognition, becomes the motive. ...
Viktor Frankl focused on the need for meaning and purpose in our lives, something that transcends our own lives and taps the best energies within us. The late Dr. Hans Selye, in his monumental research on stress, basically says that a long, healthy, and happy life is the result of making contributions, of having meaningful projects that are personally exciting and contribute to and bless the lives of others. His ethic was "earn thy neighbor’s love. ...
This is the true joy in life – that being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. That being a force of nature, instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. For the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It’s a sort of splendid torch which I’ve got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. ...
N. Eldon Tanner has said, “Service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living on this earth.” And there are so many ways to serve. Whether or not we belong to a church or service organization or have a job that provides meaningful service opportunities, not a day goes by that we can’t at least serve one other human being by making deposits of unconditional love. ...
Scripting Others ...
Most people are a function of the social mirror, scripted by the opinions, the perceptions, the paradigms of the people around them. As interdependent people, you and I come from a paradigm which includes the realization that we are a part of that social mirror. ...
We can choose to reflect back to others a clear, undistorted vision of themselves. We can affirm their proactive nature and treat them as responsible people. We can help script them as principle-centered, value-based, independent, worthwhile individuals. And, with the Abundance Mentality, we realize that giving a positive reflection to others in no way ...
diminishes us. It increases us because it increases the opportunities for effective interaction with other proactive people. At some time in your life, you probably had someone believe in you when you didn’t believe in yourself. He or she scripted you. Did that make a difference in your life. ...
What if you were a positive scripter, an affirmer, of other people? When they’re being directed by the social mirror to take the lower path, you inspire them toward a higher path because you believe in them. You listen to them and empathize with them. You don’t absolve them of responsibility; you encourage them to be proactive. ...
Perhaps you are familiar with the musical, Man of La Mancha. It’s a beautiful story about a medieval knight who meets a woman of the street, a prostitute. She’s being validated in her life-style by all of the people in her life. ...
But this poet knight sees something else in her, something beautiful and lovely. He also sees her virtue, and he affirms it, over and over again. He gives her a new name -Dulcinea – a new name associated with a new paradigm. ...
At first, she utterly denies it; her old scripts are overpowering. She writes him off as a wild-eyed fantasizer. But he is persistent. He makes continual deposits of unconditional love and gradually it penetrates her scripting. It goes down into her true nature, her potential, and she starts to respond. Little by little, she begins to change her life-style. She believes it and she acts from her new paradigm, to the initial dismay of everyone else in her life. ...
Later, when she begins to revert to her old paradigm, he calls her to his deathbed and sings that beautiful song, “The Impossible Dream,” looks her in the eyes, and whispers, “Never forget, you’re Dulcinea.” ...
One of the classic stories in the field of self-fulfilling prophecies is of a computer in England that was accidentally programmed incorrectly. In academic terms, it labeled a class of “bright” kids “dumb” and a class of supposedly “dumb” kids “bright.” And that computer report was the primary criterion that created the teachers’ paradigms about their students at the beginning of the year. ...
When the administration finally discovered the mistake five-and-a-half months later, they decided to test the kids again without telling anyone what had happened. And the results were amazing. The “bright” kids had gone down significantly in IQ test points. They had been seen and treated as mentally limited, uncooperative, and difficult to teach. The teachers’ paradigms had become a self-fulfilling prophecy. ...
But the scores in the supposedly “dumb” group had gone up. The teachers had treated them as though they were bright, and their energy, their hope, their optimism, their excitement had reflected high individual expectations and worth for those kids. ...
These teachers were asked what it was like during the first few weeks of the term. “For some reason, our methods weren’t working,” they replied. “So we had to change our methods.” The information showed that the kids were bright. If things weren’t working well, they figured it had to be the teaching methods. So they worked on methods. They were proactive; they worked in their Circle of Influence. Apparent learner disability was nothing more or less than teacher inflexibility. ...
What do we reflect to others about themselves? And how much does that reflection influence their lives? We have so much we can invest in the Emotional Bank Accounts of ...
other people. The more we can see people in terms of their unseen potential, the more we can use our imagination rather than our memory, with our spouse, our children, our coworkers or employees. We can refuse to label them --we can “see” them in new fresh ways each time we’re with them. We can help them become independent, fulfilled people capable of deeply satisfying, enriching, and productive relationships with others. ...
Goethe taught, “Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be.” ...
Balance in Renewal ...
The self-renewal process must include balanced renewal in all four dimensions of our nature: the physical, the spiritual, the mental, and the social/emotional. ...
Although renewal in each dimension is important, it only becomes optimally effective as we deal with all four dimensions in a wise and balanced way. To neglect any one area negatively impacts the rest. I have found this to be true in organizations as well as in individual lives. In an organization, the physical dimension is expressed in economic terms. The mental or psychological dimension deals with the recognition, development, and use of talent. The social/emotional dimension has to do with human relations, with finding meaning through purpose or contribution and through organizational integrity. ...
When an organization neglects any one or more of these areas, it negatively impacts the entire organization. The creative energies that could result in tremendous, positive synergy are instead used to fight against the organization and become restraining forces to growth and productivity. ...
I have found organizations whose only thrust is economic – to make money. They usually don’t publicize that purpose. They sometimes even publicize something else. But in their hearts, their only desire is to make money. ...
Whenever I find this, I also find a great deal of negative synergy in the culture, generating such things as interdepartmental rivalries, defensive and protective communication, politicking, and masterminding. We can’t effectively thrive without making money, but that’s not sufficient reason for organizational existence. We can’t live without eating, but we don’t live to eat. ...
At the other end of the spectrum, I’ve seen organizations that focused almost exclusively on the social/emotional dimension. They are, in a sense, some kind of social experiment and they have no economic criteria to their value system. They have no measure or gauge of their effectiveness, and as a result, they lose all kinds of efficiencies and eventually their viability in the marketplace. ...
I have found many organizations that develop as many as three of the dimensions – they may have good service criteria, good economic criteria, and good human-relations criteria, but they are not really committed to identifying, developing, utilizing, and recognizing the talent of people. And if these psychological forces are missing, the style will be a benevolent autocracy and the resulting culture will reflect different forms of collective resistance, adversarialism, excessive turnover, and other deep, chronic, cultural problems. ...
Organizational as well as individual effectiveness requires development and renewal of all four dimensions in a wise and balanced way. Any dimension that is neglected will ...
create negative force field resistance that pushes against effectiveness and growth. Organizations and individuals that give recognition to each of these four dimensions in their mission statement provide a powerful framework for balanced renewal. ...
This process of continuous improvement is the hallmark of the Total Quality movement and a key to Japan’s economic ascendancy. ...
Synergy in Renewal ...
Balanced renewal is optimally synergetic. The things you do to sharpen the saw in any one dimension have positive impact in other dimensions because they are so highly interrelated. Your physical health affects your mental health; your spiritual strength affects your social/emotional strength. As you improve in one dimension, you increase your ability in other dimensions as well. ...
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People create optimum synergy among these dimensions. Renewal in any dimension increases your ability to live at least one of the Seven Habits. And although the habits are sequential, improvement in one habit synergetically increases your ability to live the rest. ...
The more proactive you are (Habit 1), the more effectively you can exercise personal leadership (Habit 2) and management (Habit 3) in your life. The more effectively you manage your life (Habit 3), the more Quadrant II renewing activities you can do (Habit 7). The more you seek first to understand (Habit 5), the more effectively you can go for synergetic win-win solutions (Habits 4 and 6). The more you improve in any of the habits that lead to independence (Habits 1, 2, and 3), the more effective you will be in interdependent situations (Habits 4, 5, and 6). And renewal (Habit 7) is the process of renewing all the habits. ...
As you renew your physical dimension, you reinforce your personal vision (Habit 1), the paradigm of your own self-awareness and free will, of proactivity, of knowing that you are free to act instead of being acted upon, to choose your own response to any stimulus. This is probably the greatest benefit of physical exercise. Each Daily Private Victory makes a deposit in your personal intrinsic security account. ...
As you renew your spiritual dimension, you reinforce your personal leadership (Habit 2). You increase your ability to live out of your imagination and conscience instead of only your memory, to deeply understand your innermost paradigms and values, to create within yourself a center of correct principles, to define your own unique mission in life, to rescript yourself to live your life in harmony with correct principles and to draw upon your personal sources of strength. The rich private life you create in spiritual renewal makes tremendous deposits in your personal security account. ...
As you renew your mental dimension, you reinforce your personal management (Habit 3). As you plan, you force your mind to recognize high-leverage Quadrant II activities, priority goals, and activities to maximize the use of your time and energy, and you organize and execute your activities around your priorities. As you become involved in continuing education, you increase your knowledge base and you increase your options. Your economic security does not lie in your job; it lies in your own power to produce – to think, to learn, to create, to adapt. That’s true financial independence. It’s not having wealth; it’s having the power to produce wealth. It’s intrinsic. ...
The Daily Private Victory – a minimum of one hour a day in renewal of the physical, spiritual, and mental dimensions – is the key to the development of the Seven Habits and it’s completely within your Circle of Influence. It is the Quadrant II focus time necessary to integrate these habits into your life, to become principle-centered. ...
It’s also the foundation for the Daily Public Victory. It’s the source of intrinsic security you need to sharpen the saw in the social/emotional dimension. It gives you the personal strength to focus on your Circle of Influence in interdependent situations – to look at others through the Abundance Mentality paradigm, to genuinely value their differences and to be happy for their success. It gives you the foundation to work for genuine understanding and for synergetic win-win solutions, to practice Habits 4, 5, and 6 in an interdependent reality. ...
The Upward Spiral ...
Renewal is the principle – and the process – that empowers us to move on an upward spiral of growth and change, of continuous improvement. ...
To make meaningful and consistent progress along that spiral, we need to consider one other aspect of renewal as it applies to the unique human endowment that directs this upward movement – our conscience. In the words of Madame de Sta’l, “The voice of conscience is so delicate that it is easy to stifle it: but it is also so clear that it is impossible to mistake it.” ...
Conscience is the endowment that senses our congruence or disparity with correct principles and lifts us toward them – when it’s in shape Just as the education of nerve and sinew is vital to the excellent athlete and education of the mind is vital to the scholar, education of the conscience is vital to the truly proactive, highly effective person. Training and educating the conscience, however, requires even greater concentration, more balanced discipline, more consistently honest living. It requires regular feasting on inspiring literature, thinking noble thoughts and, above all, living in harmony with its still small voice ...
Just as junk food and lack of exercise can ruin an athlete’s condition, those things that are obscene, crude, or pornographic can breed an inner darkness that numbs our higher sensibilities and substitutes the social conscience of “Will I be found out?” for the natural or divine conscience of “What is right and wrong?” ...
In the words of Dag Hammarskjold, ...
You cannot play with the animal in you without becoming wholly animal, play with falsehood without forfeiting your right to truth, play with cruelty without losing your sensitivity of mind. He who wants to keep his garden tidy doesn’t reserve a plot for weeds. ...
Once we are self-aware, we must choose purposes and principles to live by; otherwise the vacuum will be filled, and we will lose our self-awareness and become like groveling animals who live primarily for survival and propagation. People who exist on that level aren’t living; they are “being lived.” They are reacting, unaware of the unique endowments that lie dormant and undeveloped within. ...
And there is no shortcut in developing them. The Law of the Harvest governs; we will always reap what we sow – no more, no less. The law of justice is immutable, and the ...
closer we align ourselves with correct principles, the better our judgment will be about how the world operates and the more accurate our paradigms – our maps of the territory – will be. ...
I believe that as we grow and develop on this upward spiral, we must show diligence in the process of renewal by educating and obeying our conscience. An increasingly educated conscience will propel us along the path of personal freedom, security, wisdom, and power. ...
Moving along the upward spiral requires us to learn, commit, and do on increasingly higher planes. We deceive ourselves if we think that any one of these is sufficient. To keep progressing, we must learn, commit, and do – learn, commit, and do – and learn, commit, and do again. ...
Application Suggestions: ...
Make a list of activities that would help you keep in good physical shape, that would fit your life-style and that you could enjoy over time. ...
Select one of the activities and list it as a goal in your personal role area for the coming week. At the end of the week evaluate your performance. If you didn’t make your goal, was it because you subordinated it to a genuinely higher value? Or did you fail to act with integrity to your values. ...
Make a similar list of renewing activities in your spiritual and mental dimensions. In your social-emotional area, list relationships you would like to improve or specific circumstances in which Public Victory would bring greater effectiveness. Select one item in each area to list as a goal for the week. Implement and evaluate. ...
Commit to write down specific “sharpen the saw” activities in all four dimensions every week, to do them, and to evaluate your performance and results. ...
Inside-Out Again ...
The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature. ...
– Ezra Taft Benson ...
**
I would like to share with you a personal story which I feel contains the essence of this book. In doing so, it is my hope that you will relate to the underlying principles it contains. ...
Some years ago, our family took a sabbatical leave from the university where I taught so that I could write. We lived for a full year in Laie on the north shore of Oahu, Hawaii. ...
Shortly after getting settled, we developed a living and working routine which was not only very productive but extremely pleasant. ...
After an early morning run on the beach, we would send two of our children, barefoot and in shorts, to school. I went to an isolated building next to the cane fields where I had an office to do my writing. It was very quiet, very beautiful, very serene – no phone, no meetings, no pressing engagements. ...
My office was on the outside edge of the college, and one day as I was wandering between stacks of books in the back of the college library, I came across a book that drew my interest. As I opened it, my eyes fell upon a single paragraph that powerfully influenced the rest of my life. ...
I read the paragraph over and over again. It basically contained the simple idea that there is a gap or a space between stimulus and response, and that the key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that space. ...
I can hardly describe the effect that idea had on my mind. Though I had been nurtured in the philosophy of self-determinism, the way the idea was phrased – “a gap between stimulus and response” – hit me with fresh, almost unbelievable force. It was almost like “knowing it for the first time,” like an inward revolution, “an idea whose time had come.” ...
I reflected on it again and again, and it began to have a powerful effect on my paradigm of life. It was as if I had become an observer of my own participation. I began to stand in that gap and to look outside at the stimuli. I reveled in the inward sense of freedom to choose my response – even to become the stimulus, or at least to influence it – even to reverse it. ...
Shortly thereafter, and partly as a result of this “revolutionary” idea, Sandra and I began a practice of deep communication. I would pick her up a little before noon on an old red Honda 90 trail cycle, and we would take our two preschool children with us – one between us and the other on my left knee – as we rode out in the canefields by my office. We rode slowly along for about an hour, just talking. ...
The children looked forward to the ride and hardly ever made any noise. We seldom saw another vehicle, and the cycle was so quiet we could easily hear each other. We usually ended up on an isolated beach where we parked the Honda and walked about 200 yards to a secluded spot where we ate a picnic lunch. ...
The sandy beach and a freshwater river coming off the island totally absorbed the interest of the children, so Sandra and I were able to continue our talks uninterrupted. Perhaps it doesn’t take too much imagination to envision the level of understanding and trust we were able to reach by spending at least two hours a day, every day, for a full year in deep communication. ...
At the very first of the year, we talked about all kinds of interesting topics – people, ideas, events, the children, my writing, our family at home, future plans, and so forth. But little by little, our communication deepened and we began to talk more and more about our internal worlds – about our upbringing, our scripting, our feelings, and self-doubts. As we were deeply immersed in these communications, we also observed them and observed ourselves in them. We began to use that space between stimulus and response in some new and interesting ways which caused us to think about how we were programmed and how those programs shaped how we saw the world. ...
We began an exciting adventure into our interior worlds and found it to be more exciting, more fascinating, more absorbing, more compelling, more filled with discovery and insight than anything we’d even known in the outside world. ...
It wasn’t all “sweetness and light.” We occasionally hit some raw nerves and had some painful experiences, embarrassing experiences, self-revealing experiences – experiences that made us extremely open and vulnerable to each other. And yet we found we had been wanting to go into those things for years. When we did go into the deeper, more tender issues and then came out of them, we felt in some way healed. ...
We were so initially supportive and helpful, so encouraging and empathic to each other, that we nurtured and facilitated these internal discoveries in each other. ...
We gradually evolved two unspoken ground rules. The first was “no probing.” As soon as we unfolded the inner layers of vulnerability, we were not to question each other, only to empathize. ...
Probing was simply too invasive. It was also too controlling and too logical. We were covering new, difficult terrain that was scary and uncertain, and it stirred up fears and doubts. We wanted to cover more and more of it, but we grew to respect the need to let each other open up in our own time. ...
The second ground rule was that when it hurt too much, when it was painful, we would simply quit for the day. Then we would either begin the next day where we left off or wait until the person who was sharing felt ready to continue. We carried around the loose ends, knowing that we wanted to deal with them. But because we had the time and the environment conducive to it, and because we were so excited to observe our own involvement and to grow within our marriage, we simply knew that sooner or later we would deal with all those loose ends and bring them to some kind of closure. ...
The most difficult, and eventually the most fruitful part of this kind of communication came when my vulnerability and Sandra’s vulnerability touched. Then, because of our subjective involvement, we found that the space between stimulus and response was no ...
longer there. A few bad feelings surfaced. But our deep desire and our implicit agreement was to prepare ourselves to start where we left off and deal with those feelings until we resolved them. ...
One of those difficult times had to do with a basic tendency in my personality. My father was a very private individual – very controlled and very careful. My mother was and is very public, very open, very spontaneous. I find both sets of tendencies in me, and when I feel insecure, I tend to become private, like my father. I live inside myself and safely observe. ...
Sandra is more like my mother – social, authentic, and spontaneous. We had gone through many experiences over the years in which I felt her openness was inappropriate, and she felt my constraint was dysfunctional, both socially and to me as an individual because I would become insensitive to the feelings of others. All of this and much more came out during those deep visits. I came to value Sandra’s insight and wisdom and the way she helped me to be a more open, giving, sensitive, social person. ...
Another of those difficult times had to do with what I perceived to be a “hang up” Sandra had which had bothered me for years. She seemed to have an obsession about Frigidaire appliances which I was at an absolute loss to understand. She would not even consider buying another brand of appliance. Even when we were just starting out and on a very tight budget, she insisted that we drive the fifty miles to the “big city” where Frigidaire appliances were sold, simply because no dealer in our small university town carried them at that time. ...
This was a matter of considerable agitation to me. Fortunately, the situation came up only when we purchased an appliance. But when it did come up, it was like a stimulus that triggered off a hot button response. This single issue seemed to be symbolic of all irrational thinking, and it generated a whole range of negative feelings within me. ...
I usually resorted to my dysfunctional private behavior. I suppose I figured that the only way I could deal with it was not to deal with it; otherwise, I felt I would lose control and say things I shouldn’t say. There were times when I did slip and say something negative, and I had to go back and apologize. ...
What bothered me the most was not that she liked Frigidaire, but that she persisted in making what I considered utterly illogical and indefensible statements to defend Frigidaire which had no basis in fact whatsoever. If she had only agreed that her response was irrational and purely emotional, I think I could have handled it. But her justification was upsetting. ...
It was sometime in early spring when the Frigidaire issue came up. All our prior communication had prepared us. The ground rules had been deeply established – not to probe and to leave it alone if it got to be too painful for either or both. ...
I will never forget the day we talked it through. We didn’t end up on the beach that day; we just continued to ride through the canefields, perhaps because we didn’t want to look each other in the eye. There had been so much psychic history and so many bad feelings associated with the issue, and it had been submerged for so long. It had never been so critical as to rupture the relationship, but when you’re trying to cultivate a beautiful unified relationship, any divisive issue is important. ...
Sandra and I were amazed at what we learned through the interaction. It was truly synergistic. It was as if Sandra were learning, almost for the first time herself, the reason for her so-called hang-up. She started to talk about her father, about how he had worked as a high school history teacher and coach for years, and how, to help make ends meet, he had gone into the appliance business. During an economic downturn, he had experienced serious financial difficulties, and the only thing that enabled him to stay in business during that time was the fact that Frigidaire would finance his inventory. ...
Sandra had an unusually deep and sweet relationship with her father. When he returned home at the end of a very tiring day, he would lie on the couch, and Sandra would rub his feet and sing to him. It was a beautiful time they enjoyed together almost daily for years. He would also open up and talk through his worries and concerns about the business, and he shared with Sandra his deep appreciation for Frigidaire financing his inventory so that he could make it through the difficult times. ...
This communication between father and daughter had taken place in a spontaneous way during very natural time, when the most powerful kind of scripting takes place. During those relaxed times guards are down and all kinds of images and thoughts are planted deep in the subconscious mind. Perhaps Sandra had forgotten about all of this until the safety of that year of communication when it could come out also in very natural and spontaneous ways. ...
Sandra gained tremendous insight into herself and into the emotional root of her feelings about Frigidaire. I also gained insight and a whole new level of respect. I came to realize that Sandra wasn’t talking about appliances; she was talking about her father, and about loyalty – about loyalty to his needs. ...
I remember both of us becoming tearful on that day, not so much because of the insights, but because of the increased sense of reverence we had for each other. We discovered that even seemingly trivial things often have roots in deep emotional experiences. To deal only with the superficial trivia without seeing the deeper, more tender issues is to trample on the sacred ground of another’s heart. ...
There were many rich fruits of those months. Our communication became so powerful that we could almost instantly connect with each other’s thoughts. When we left Hawaii, we resolved to continue the practice. During the many years since, we have continued to go regularly on our Honda trail cycle, or in the car if the weather’s bad, just to talk. We feel the key to staying in love is to talk, particularly about feelings. We try to communicate with each other several times every day, even when I’m traveling. It’s like touching in to home base, which accesses all the happiness, security, and values it represents. ...
Thomas Wolfe was wrong. You can go home again – if your home is a treasured relationship, a precious companionship. ...
Intergenerational Living ...
As Sandra and I discovered that wonderful year, the ability to use wisely the gap between stimulus and response, to exercise the four unique endowments of our human nature, empowered us from the Inside-Out. ...
We had tried the outside-in approach. We loved each other, and we had attempted to work through our differences by controlling our attitudes and our behaviors, by practicing useful techniques of human interaction. But our band-aids and aspirin only ...
lasted so long. Until we worked and communicated on the level of our essential paradigms, the chronic underlying problems were still there. ...
When we began to work from the Inside-Out, we were able to build a relationship of trust and openness and to resolve dysfunctional differences in a deep and lasting way that never could have come by working from the outside in. The delicious fruits – a rich winwin relationship, a deep understanding of each other, and a marvelous synergy – grew out of the roots we nurtured as we examined our programs, rescripted ourselves, and managed our lives so that we could create time for the important Quadrant II activity of communicating deeply with each other. ...
And there were other fruits. We were able to see on a much deeper level that, just as powerfully as our own lives had been affected by our parents, the lives of our children were being influenced and shaped by us, often in ways we didn’t even begin to realize. Understanding the power of scripting in our own lives, we felt a renewed desire to do everything we could to make certain that what we passed on to future generations, by both precept and example, was based on correct principles. ...
I have drawn particular attention in this book to those scripts we have been given which we proactively want to change. But as we examine our scripting carefully, many of us will also begin to see beautiful scripts, positive scripts that have been passed down to us which we have blindly taken for granted. Real self-awareness helps us to appreciate those scripts and to appreciate those who have gone before us and nurtured us in principlebased living, mirroring back to us not only what we are, but what we can become. ...
There is transcendent power in a strong intergenerational family. An effectively interdependent family of children, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins can be a powerful force in helping people have a sense of who they are and where they came from and what they stand for. ...
It’s great for children to be able to identify themselves with the “tribe,” to feel that many people know them and care about them, even though they’re spread all over the country. And that can be a tremendous benefit as you nurture your family. If one of your children is having difficulty and doesn’t really relate with you at a particular time in his life, maybe he can relate to your brother or sister who can become a surrogate father or mother, a mentor, or a hero for a period of time. ...
Grandparents who show a great interest in their grandchildren are among the most precious people on this earth. What a marvelous positive social mirror they can be! My mother is like that. Even now, in her late 80 s, she takes a deep personal interest in every one of her descendants. She writes us love letters. I was reading one the other day on a plane with tears streaming down my cheeks. could call her up tonight and I know she’d say, “Stephen, I want you to know how much I love you and how wonderful I think you are.” She’s constantly reaffirming. ...
A strong intergenerational family is potentially one of the most fruitful, rewarding, and satisfying interdependent relationships. And many people feel the importance of that relationship. Look at the fascination we all had with Roots some years ago. Each of us has roots and the ability to trace those roots, to identify our ancestors. ...
The highest and most powerful motivation in doing that is not for ourselves only, but for our posterity, for the posterity of all mankind. As someone once observed, “There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children – one is roots, the other wings.” ...
Becoming a Transition Person ...
Among other things, I believe that giving “wings” to our children and to others means empowering them with the freedom to rise above negative scripting that had been passed down to us. I believe it means becoming what my friend and associate, Dr. Terry Warner, calls a “transition” person. Instead of transferring those scripts to the next generation, we can change them. And we can do it in a way that will build relationships in the process ...
If your parents abused you as a child, that does not mean that you have to abuse your own children. Yet there’s plenty of evidence to indicate that you will tend to live out that script. But because you’re proactive, you can rewrite the script. You can choose not only not to abuse your children, but to affirm them, to script them in positive ways. ...
You can write it in your personal mission statement and into your mind and heart. You can visualize yourself living in harmony with that mission statement in your Daily Private Victory. You can take steps to love and forgive your own parents, and if they are still living, to build a positive relationship with them by seeking to understand. ...
A tendency that’s run through your family for generations can stop with you. You’re a transition person – a link between the past and the future. And your own change can affect many, many lives downstream. ...
One powerful transition person of the twentieth century, Anwar Sadat, left us as part of his legacy a profound understanding of the nature of change. Sadat stood between a past that had created a “huge wall of suspicion, fear, hate and misunderstanding” between Arabs and Israelis, and a future in which increased conflict and isolation seemed inevitable. Efforts at negotiation had been met with objections on every scale – even to formalities and procedural points, to an insignificant comma or period in the text of proposed agreements. ...
While others attempted to resolve the tense situation by hacking at the leaves, Sadat drew upon his earlier centering experience in a lonely prison cell and went to work on the root. And in doing so, he changed the course of history for millions of people. ...
He records in his autobiography: ...
It was then that I drew, almost unconsciously, on the inner strength I had developed in Cell 54 of Cairo Central Prison – a strength, call it a talent or capacity, for change. I found that I faced a highly complex situation, and that I couldn’t hope to change it until I had armed myself with the necessary psychological and intellectual capacity. My contemplation of life and human nature in that secluded place had taught me that he who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality, and will never, therefore, make any progress. ...
Change – real change – comes from the Inside-Out. It doesn’t come from hacking at the leaves of attitude and behavior with quick-fix personality ethic techniques. It comes from striking at the root -the fabric of our thought, the fundamental, essential paradigms, which give definition to our character and create the lens through which we see the world. In the words of Amiel: ...
Moral truth can be conceived in thought. One can have feelings about it. One can will to live it. But moral truth may have been penetrated and possessed in all these ways, and escape us still. Deeper even than consciousness there is our being itself – our very ...
substance, our nature. Only those truths which have entered into this last region, which have become ourselves, become spontaneous and involuntary as well as voluntary, unconscious as well as conscious, are really our life – that is to say, something more than property. So long as we are able to distinguish any space whatever between Truth and us we remain outside it. The thought, the feeling, the desire or the consciousness of life may not be quite life. To become divine is then the aim of life. Then only can truth be said to be ours beyond the possibility of loss. It is no longer outside us, nor in a sense even in us, but we are it, and it is we. ...
Achieving unity – oneness – with ourselves, with our loved ones, with our friends and working associates, is the highest and best and most delicious fruit of the Seven Habits. Most of us have tasted this fruit of true unity from time to time in the past, as we have also tasted the bitter, lonely fruit of disunity – and we know how precious and fragile unity is. ...
Obviously building character of total integrity and living the life of love and service that creates such unity isn’t easy. It isn’t quick fix. ...
But it’s possible. It begins with the desire to center our lives on correct principles, to break out of the paradigms created by other centers and the comfort zones of unworthy habits. ...
Sometimes we make mistakes, we feel awkward. But if we start with the Daily Private Victory and work from the Inside-Out, the results will surely come. As we plant the seed and patiently weed and nourish it, we begin to feel the excitement of real growth and eventually taste the incomparably delicious fruits of a congruent, effective life. ...
Again, I quote Emerson: “That which we persist in doing becomes easier – not that the nature of the task has changed, but our ability to do has increased.” ...
By centering our lives on correct principles and creating a balanced focus between doing and increasing our ability to do, we become empowered in the task of creating effective, useful, and peaceful lives…for ourselves, and for our posterity. ...
A Personal Note ...
As I conclude this book, I would like to share my own personal conviction concerning what I believe to be the source of correct principles. I believe that correct principles are natural laws, and that God, the Creator and Father of us all, is the source of them, and also the source of our conscience. I believe that to the degree people live by this inspired conscience, they will grow to fulfill their natures; to the degree that they do not, they will not rise above the animal plane. ...
I believe that there are parts to human nature that cannot be reached by either legislation or education, but require the power of God to deal with. I believe that as human beings, we cannot perfect ourselves. To the degree to which we align ourselves with correct principles, divine endowments will be released within our nature in enabling us to fulfill the measure of our creation. In the words of Teilhard de Chardin, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...
I personally struggle with much of what I have shared in this book. But the struggle is worthwhile and fulfilling. It gives meaning to my life and enables me to love, to serve, and to try again. ...
Again, T. S. Eliot expresses so beautifully my own personal discovery and conviction: “We must not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time.” ...
Appendix ...
Appendix A ...
Possible Perceptions Flowing out of Various Center ...
These are alternative ways you may tend to perceive other areas of your lif ...
If your center is Spouse... ...
SPOUSE: The main source of need satisfaction. ...
FAMILY: Good in its place. Less important. A common project. ...
MONEY: Necessary to properly take care of spouse. ...
WORK: Necessary to earn money to care for spouse. ...
POSSESSIONS: Means to bless, impress, or manipulate. ...
If your center is Family… ...
SPOUSE: Part of the family. ...
FAMILY: The highest priority. ...
MONEY: Family economic support. ...
WORK: A means to an end. ...
POSSESSIONS: Family comfort and opportunities. ...
* *
If your center is Money… ...
SPOUSE: Asset or liability in acquiring money. ...
FAMILY: Economic drain. ...
MONEY: Source of security and fulfillment. ...
WORK: Necessary to the acquisition of money. ...
POSSESSIONS: Evidence of economic success. ...
**
If your center is Work… ...
SPOUSE: Help or hindrance in work. ...
FAMILY: Help or interruption to work. People to instruct in work ethic. ...
MONEY: Of secondary importance. Evidence of hard work. ...
WORK: Main source of fulfillment and satisfaction. Highest ethic. ...
POSSESSIONS: Tools to increase work effectiveness. Fruits, badge of work. ...
If your center is Possessions... ...
SPOUSE: Main possession. Assistant in acquiring possessions. ...
FAMILY: Possession to use, exploit, dominate, smother, control. Showcase. ...
MONEY: Key to increasing possessions. Another possession to control. ...
WORK: Opportunity to possess status, authority, recognition. ...
POSSESSIONS: Status symbols. ...
If your center is Pleasure... ...
SPOUSE: Companion in fun and pleasure or obstacle to it. ...
FAMILY: Vehicle or interference. ...
MONEY: Means to increase opportunities for pleasure. ...
WORK: Means to an end. “Fun” work OK. ...
POSSESSIONS: Objects of fun. Means to more fun. ...
If your center is A Friend or Friends… ...
SPOUSE: Possible friend or possible competitor. Social status symbol. ...
FAMILY: Friends or obstacle to developing friendships. ...
MONEY: Source of economic and social good. ...
WORK: Social opportunity. ...
POSSESSIONS: Means of buying friendship. Means of entertaining or providing social pleasure. ...
These are alternative ways you may tend you perceive other areas of your life ...
If your center is Spouse... ...
PLEASURE: Mutual, unifying activity or unimportant. ...
FRIENDS: Spouse is best or only friend. Only friends are “our” friends. ...
ENEMIES: Spouse is my defender, or common enemy provides source of marriage definition. ...
CHURCH: Activity to enjoy together. Subordinate to relationship. ...
SELF: Self-worth is spouse based. Highly vulnerable to spouse attitudes and behaviors. PRINCIPLES: ideas which create and maintain relationship with spouse. ...
**
If your center is Family... ...
PLEASURE: Family activities or relatively unimportant. ...
FRIENDS: Friends of the family, or competition. Threat to strong family life. ...
ENEMIES: Defined by family. Source of family strength and unity. Possible threat to family strength. ...
CHURCH: Source of help. ...
SELF: Vital part of but subordinate to family. Subordinate to family. PRINCIPLES: Rules which keep family unified and strong. ...
* *
If your center is Money… ...
PLEASURE: Economic drain or evidence of economic stress. ...
FRIENDS: Chosen because of economic status or influence. ...
ENEMIES: Economic competitors. Threat to economic security. ...
CHURCH: Tax write-off. Hand in your pocket. ...
SELF: Self-worth is determined by net worth. ...
PRINCIPLES: Ways that work in making and managing money. ...
**
If your center is Work... ...
PLEASURE: Waste of time. Interferes with work. ...
FRIENDS: Developed from work setting or shared interest. Basically unnecessary. ...
ENEMIES: Obstacles to work productivity. ...
CHURCH: Important to corporate image. Imposition on your time. Opportunity to network in ...
profession. ...
SELF: Defined by job role. ...
PRINCIPLES: Ideas that make you successful in your work. Need to adapt to work conditions. ...
**
If your center is Possessions... ...
PLEASURE: Buying, shopping, joining clubs. ...
FRIENDS: Personal objects. Usable. ...
ENEMIES: Takers, thieves. Others with more possessions or recognition. ...
CHURCH: “My” church, a status symbol. Source of unfair criticism or good things in life. ...
SELF: Defined by the things I own. Defined by social status, recognition. ...
PRINCIPLES: concepts which enable you to acquire and enhance possessions. ...
If your center is Pleasure... ...
PLEASURE: Supreme end in life. ...
FRIENDS: Companions in fun. ...
ENEMIES: Take life too seriously. Guilt trippers, destroyers. ...
CHURCH: Inconvenient, obstacle to recreation. Guilt trip. ...
SELF: Instrument for pleasure. ...
PRINCIPLES: Natural drives and instincts which need to be satisfied. ...
If your center is Friends... ...
PLEASURE: Enjoyed always with friends. Primarily social events. ...
FRIENDS: Critical to personal happiness. Belonging, acceptance, popularily is crucial. ...
ENEMIES: Outside the social circle. Common enemies provide unity or definition for friendship. ...
CHURCH: Place for social gathering. ...
SELF: Socially defined. Afraid of embarrassment or rejection. ...
PRINCIPLES: Basic laws which enable you to get along with others. ...
This is the way you may tend to perceive other areas of your life. ...
**
If your center is Enemies… ...
FRIEND OR PLEASURE: Rest and relaxation time before the next battle. ...
ENEMY OR FRIENDS: Emotional supporters and sympathizers. Possibly defined by common ...
enemy. ...
ENEMIES: Objects of hate. Source of personal problems. Stimuli to self-protection and self-justification. ...
CHURCH: Source of self-justification. ...
SELF: Victimized. Immobilized by enemy. ...
PRINCIPLES: Justification for labeling enemies. Source of your enemy’s wrongness. ...
**
If your center is Church... ...
FRIEND OR PLEASURE: “Innocent” pleasures as an opportunity to gather with other church members. Others as sinful or time wasters, to be self-righteously denied. ...
ENEMY OR FRIENDS: Other members of the church. ...
ENEMIES: Nonbelievers; those who disagree with church teachings or whose lives are in blatant opposition to them. ...
CHURCH: Highest priority. Source of guidance. ...
SELF: Self-worth is determined by activity in the church, contributions to the church, or performance of deeds that reflect the church ethic. ...
PRINCIPLES: Doctrines taught by the church. Subordinate to the church. ...
**
If your center is Self… ...
FRIEND OR PLEASURE: Deserved sensate satisfactions. “My rights.” "My needs. ...
ENEMY OR FRIENDS: Supporter, provider for “me”. ...
ENEMIES: Source of self-definition, self-justification. ...
CHURCH: Vehicle to serve self-interests. ...
SELF: Better, smarter, more right. Justified in focusing all resources on personal gratification. ...
PRINCIPLES: Source of justification. Those ideas that serve my best interests; can be adapted to need. ...
**
If your center is Principles... ...
FRIEND OR PLEASURE: Joy that comes from almost any activity in a focused life. True re-creation as an important part of a balanced integrated life-style. ...
ENEMY OR FRIENDS: Companions in interdependent living. Confidants – those to share with, serve, and support. ...
ENEMIES: No real perceived “enemies”; just people with different paradigms and agendas to be understood and cared about. ...
CHURCH: Vehicle for true principles. Opportunity for service and contribution. ...
SELF: One unique, talented, creative individual in the midst of many unique, talented, creative individuals who, working independently and interdependently, can accomplish great things. ...
PRINCIPLES: Immutable natural laws which cannot be violated with impunity. When honored, preserve integrity and thus lead to true growth and happiness. ...
Appendix B ...
A Quadrant II Day at the Office ...
The following exercise and analysis is designed to help you see the impact of a Quadrant II paradigm in a business setting on a very practical level. ...
Suppose that you are the director of marketing for a major pharmaceutical firm. You are about to begin an average day at the office, and as you look over the items to attend to that day, you estimate the amount of time each one will take. ...
Your unprioritized list includes the following: ...
You’d like to have lunch with the general manager (1-1 1//21 / 2 hours). ...
You were instructed the day before to prepare your media budget for the following year (2 or 3 days). ...
Your “IN” basket is overflowing into your “OUT” basket (1-1 1/2 hours). ...
You need to talk to the sales manager about last month’s sales; his office is down the hall (4 hours). ...
You have several items of correspondence that your secretary says are urgent (1 hour). ...
You’d like to catch up on the medical journals piled upon your desk ( 1//21 / 2 hour). ...
You need to prepare a presentation for a sales meeting slated for next month (2 hours). ...
There’s a rumor that the last batch of product X didn’t pass quality control. ...
Someone from the FDA wants you to return his call about product XX ( 1//21 / 2 hour). ...
There is a meeting at 2 P.M. for the executive board, but you don’t know what it is about (1 hour). ...
Take a few minutes now and use what you have learned from Habits 1, 2, and 3 that might help you to effectively schedule your day. By asking you to plan only one day, I have automatically eliminated the wider context of the week so fundamental to fourth generation time management. But you will be able to see the power of Quadrant II, principle-centered paradigm even in the context of one nine-hour period of time ...
It is fairly obvious that most of the items on the list are Quadrant I activities. With the exception of item number six – catching up on medical journals – everything else is seemingly both important and urgent. ...
If you were a third-generation time manager, using prioritized values and goals, you would have a framework for making such scheduling decisions and would perhaps assign a letter such as A, B, or C next to each item and then number 1, 2, 3 under each A, B, and C. You would also consider the circumstances, such as the availability of other people involved, and the logical amount of time required to eat lunch. Finally, based on all of these factors, you would schedule the day. ...
Many third-generation time managers who have done this exercise do exactly what I have described. They schedule when they will do what, and based on various assumptions which are made and explicitly identified, they would accomplish or at least begin most of the items in that day and push the remainder onto the next day or to some other time. ...
For instance, most people indicate that they would use the time between 8 and 9 A.M. to find out exactly what was on the agenda for the executive board meeting so that they could prepare for it, to set up lunch with the general manager around noon, and to return the call from the FDA. They usually plan to spend the next hour or two talking to the sales manager, handling those correspondence items which are most important and urgent, and checking out the rumor regarding the last batch of product XX which apparently didn’t pass quality control. The rest of that morning is spent in preparing for the luncheon visit with the general manager and/or for the 2 P.M. executive board meeting, or dealing with whatever problems were uncovered regarding product XX and last month’s sales. ...
After lunch, the afternoon is usually spent attending to the unfinished matters just mentioned and/or attempting to finish the other most important and urgent correspondence, making some headway into the overflowing “IN” basket, and handling other important and urgent items that may have come up during the course of the day. ...
Most people feel the media budget preparations for the following year and the preparation for the next month’s sales meeting could probably be put off until another day, which may not have as many Quadrant I items in it. Both of those are obviously more Quadrant II activities, having to do with long-term thinking and planning. The medical journals continue to be set aside because they are clearly Quadrant II and are probably less important than the other two Quadrant II matters just mentioned. ...
What approach did you take as you scheduled those items? Was it similar to the thirdgeneration approach? Or did you take a Quadrant II, fourth-generation approach? (refer to the Time Management Matrix on page 151). ...
The Quadrant II Approach ...
Let’s go through the items on the list using a Quadrant II approach. This is only one possible scenario; others could be created, which may also be consistent with the Quadrant II paradigm, but this is illustrative of the kind of thinking it embodies. ...
As a Quadrant II manager, you would recognize that most P activities are in Quadrant I and most PC activities are in Quadrant II. You would know that the only way to make Quadrant I manageable is to give considerable attention to Quadrant II, primarily by working on prevention and opportunity and by having the courage to say “no” to Quadrants III and IV. ...
The 2:00 P.M. board meeting. We will assume the 2 P.M. executive board meeting did not have an agenda for the attending executives, or perhaps you would not see the agenda until you arrived at the meeting. This is not uncommon. As a result, people tend to come unprepared and to “shoot from the hip.” Such meetings are usually disorganized and focus primarily on Quadrant I issues which are both important and urgent, and around which there is often a great deal of sharing of ignorance. These meetings generally result in wasted time and inferior results and are often little more than an ego trip for the executive in charge. ...
In most meetings, Quadrant II items are usually categorized as “other business.” Because “work expands to fill the time allotted for its completion” in accordance with Parkinson’s Law, there usually isn’t time to discuss them. If there is, people have been so beaten and smashed by Quadrant I, they have little or no energy left to address them. ...
So you might move into Quadrant II by first attempting to get yourself on the agenda so that you can make a presentation regarding how to optimize the value of executive board meetings. You might also spend an hour or two in the morning preparing for that presentation, even if you are only allowed a few minutes to stimulate everyone’s interest in hearing a more extended preparation at the next board meeting. This presentation would focus on the importance of always having a clearly specified purpose for each meeting and a well-thought-out agenda to which each person at the meeting has had the opportunity to contribute. The final agenda would be developed by the chairman of the executive board and would focus first in Quadrant II issues that usually require more creative thinking rather than Quadrant I issues that generally involve more mechanical thinking. ...
The presentation would also stress the importance of having minutes sent out immediately following the meeting, specifying assignments given and dates of accountability. These items would then be placed on appropriate future agendas which would be sent out in plenty of time for others to prepare to discuss them. ...
Now this is what might be done by looking at one item on the schedule – the 2 P.M. executive board meeting – through a Quadrant II frame of reference. This requires a high level of proactivity, including the courage to challenge the assumption that you even need to schedule the items in the first place. It also requires consideration in order to avoid the kind of crisis atmosphere that often surrounds a board meeting. ...
Almost every other item on the list can be approached with the same Quadrant II thinking, with perhaps the exception of the FDA call. ...
Returning the FDA call. Based on the background of the quality of the relationship with the FDA, you make that call in the morning so that whatever it reveals can be dealt with appropriately. This might be difficult to delegate, since another organization is involved that may have a Quadrant I culture and an individual who wants you, and not some delegatee, to respond. ...
While you may attempt to directly influence the culture of your own organization as a member of the executive board, your Circle of Influence is probably not large enough to really influence the culture of the FDA, so you simply comply with the request. If you find the nature of the problem uncovered in the phone call is persistent or chronic, then you may approach it from a Quadrant II mentality in an effort to prevent such problems in the future. This again would require considerable proactivity to seize the opportunity to transform the quality of the relationship with the FDA or to work on the problems in a preventive way. ...
Lunch with the general manager. You might see having lunch with the general manager as a rare opportunity to discuss some longer-range, Quadrant II matters in a fairly informal atmosphere. This may also take 30 to 60 minutes in the morning to adequately prepare for, or you may simply decide to have a good social interaction and listen carefully, perhaps without any plan at all. Either possibility may present a good opportunity to build your relationship with the general manager. ...
Preparing the media budget. Regarding item number two, you might call in two or three of your associates most directly connected to media budget preparation and ask them to bring their recommendations in the form of “completed staff work” (which may only require your initials to finally approve) or perhaps to outline two or three well-thoughtout options you can choose from and identify the consequences of each option. This may take a full hour sometime during the day – to go over desired results, guidelines, resources, accountability, and consequences. But by investing the one hour, you tap the best thinking of concerned people who may have different points of view. If you haven’t taken this approach before, you may need to spend more time to train them in what this approach involves, what “completed staff work” means, how to synergize around differences and what identifying alternative options and consequences involves. ...
The “In” basket and correspondence. Instead of diving into the “IN” basket, you would spend some time, perhaps 30 to 60 minutes, beginning a training process with your secretary so that he or she could gradually become empowered to handle the “IN” basket as well as the correspondence under item number five. This training program might go on for several weeks, even months, until your secretary or assistant is really capable of being results-minded rather than methods-minded. ...
Your secretary could be trained to go through all correspondence items and all “IN” basket items, to analyze them and to handle as many as possible. Items that could not be handled with confidence could be carefully organized, prioritized, and brought to you with a recommendation or a note for your own action. In this way, within a few months your secretary or executive assistant could hand 80 to 90 percent of all the “IN” basket items and correspondence, often much better than you could handle them yourself, simply because your mind is so focused on Quadrant II opportunities instead of buried in Quadrant I problems. ...
The sales manager and last month’s sales. A possible Quadrant II approach to item number four would be to think through the entire relationship and performance agreement with that sales manager to see if the Quadrant II approach is being used. The exercise doesn’t indicate what you need to talk to the sales manager about, but assuming it’s a Quadrant I item, you could take the Quadrant II approach and work on the chronic nature of the problem as well as the Quadrant I approach to solve the immediate need. ...
Possibly you could train your secretary to handle the matter without your involvement and bring to your attention only that which you need to be aware of. This may involve some Quadrant II activity with your sales manager and others reporting to you so they understand that your primary function is leadership rather than management. They can begin to understand that they can actually solve the problem better with your secretary than with you, and free you for Quadrant II leadership activity. ...
If you feel that the sales manager might be offended by having your secretary make the contact, then you could begin the process of building that relationship so that you can eventually win the confidence of the sales manager toward your both taking a more beneficial Quadrant II approach. ...
Catching up on medical journals. Reading medical journals is a Quadrant II item you may want to procrastinate. But your own long-term professional competence and confidence may largely be a function of staying abreast of this literature. So, you may decide to put the subject on the agenda for your own staff meeting, where you could suggest that a systematic approach to reading the medical journals be set up among your staff. Members of the staff could study different journals and teach the rest the essence of what ...
they learn at future staff meetings. In addition, they could supply others with key articles or excerpts which everyone really needs to read and understand. ...
Preparing for next month’s sales meeting. Regarding item number seven, a possible Quadrant II approach might be to call together a small group of the people who report to you and charge them to make a thorough analysis of the needs of the salespeople. You could assign them to bring a completed staff work recommendation to you be a specified date within a week or 10 days, giving you enough time to adapt it and have it implemented. This may involve their interviewing each of the salespeople to discover their real concerns and needs, or it might involve sampling the sales group so that the sales meeting agenda is relevant and is sent out in plenty of time so that the salespeople can prepare and get involved in it in appropriate ways. ...
Rather than prepare the sales meeting yourself, you could delegate that task to a small group of people who represent different points of view and different kinds of sales problems. Let them interact constructively and creatively and bring to you a finished recommendation. If they are not used to this kind of assignment, you may spend some of that meeting challenging and training them, teaching them why you are using this approach and how it will benefit them as well. In doing so, you are beginning to train your people to think long-term, to be responsible for completing staff work or other desired results, to creatively interact with each other in interdependent ways, and to do a quality job within specified deadlines. ...
Product “X” and quality control. Now let’s look at item number eight regarding product “X,” which didn’t pass quality control. The Quadrant II approach would be to study that problem to see if it has a chronic or persistent dimension to it. If so, you could delegate to others the careful analysis of that chronic problem with instructions to bring to you a recommendation, or perhaps simply to implement what they come up with and inform you of the results. ...
The net effect of this Quadrant II day at the office is that you are spending most of your time delegating, training, preparing a board presentation, making one phone call, and having a productive lunch. By taking a long-term PC approach, hopefully in a matter of a few weeks, perhaps months, you won’t face such a Quadrant I scheduling problem again. ...
As you go through this analysis, you may be thinking this approach seems idealistic. You may be wondering if Quadrant II managers ever work in Quadrant I. I admit it is idealistic. This book is not about the habits of highly ineffective people; it’s about habits of highly effective people. And to be highly effective is an ideal to work toward. ...
Of course you’ll need to spend time in Quadrant I. Even the best-laid plans in Quadrant II sometimes aren’t realized. But Quadrant I can be significantly reduced into more manageable proportions so that you’re not always into the stressful crisis atmosphere that negatively affects your judgment as well as your health. ...
Undoubtedly it will take considerable patience and persistence, and you may not be able to take a Quadrant II approach to all or even most of these items at this time. But if you can begin to make some headway on a few of them and help create more of a Quadrant II mind-set in other people as well as yourself, then downstream there will be quantum improvements in performance. ...
Again, I acknowledge that in a family setting or a small business setting, such delegation may not be possible. But this does not preclude a Quadrant II mind-set which would ...
produce interesting and creative ways within your Circle of Influence to reduce the size of Quadrant I crises through the exercise of Quadrant II initiative. ...
