Chapter Text 正文
It took Bruce approximately three seconds to realize that Willis Todd was drunk. The older man was swaying on his feet in the doorway, blue eyes– the shade Jason’s used to be– bleary and glazed. His thinned face was covered in small cuts, and a reddish purple bruise bloomed on his cheek.
布鲁斯大约花了三秒钟才意识到威利斯·托德喝醉了。这位年长的男人在门口摇摇晃晃地站着，那双蓝眼睛——曾经和杰森一样的颜色——浑浊而呆滞。他瘦削的脸上布满细小的伤口，脸颊上绽开一片紫红色的淤青。
“Dad.” Little Jason breathed, and his voice was so small, and so full of alleviation.
"‘爸爸。’小杰森轻声唤道，他的声音那么微弱，又充满了如释重负。"
Willis glanced down at his son, his stubbled chin meeting his chest. He blinked once, twice, then shook his head slowly. Jason reached out a tentative hand, until his small fist was clutching the sleeve of Willis’ gray zip up hoodie. “Dad.” He breathed again, eyes widening, like the fact that he could physically reach out to touch his dad was unreal.
威利斯低头看向儿子，胡子拉碴的下巴抵在胸前。他缓慢地眨了一两次眼，然后轻轻摇头。杰森试探性地伸出手，直到他小小的拳头攥住了威利斯灰色连帽衫的袖口。‘爸爸。’他又唤了一声，眼睛睁得大大的，仿佛能真实触碰到父亲这件事令他难以置信。
Willis reached down and ruffled little Jason’s hair, which made him tense, before melting. And it was clear that Jason preened under the contact, he leaned into it like someone starved.
威利斯伸手揉了揉小杰森的头发，男孩先是身体一僵，随后便软化了。显然杰森对这种接触很是受用，他像饿极了的人渴望食物般依偎过去。
As if coming up from underwater, little Jason gasped and all the relief he’d had turned back into rigidness. He ripped himself away from Willis’ hand, and tugged on his sleeve. “Mom is really sick, dad! You have to come see her–”
如同从水下浮出般，小杰森猛地抽了口气，方才的放松瞬间又转为僵硬。他猛地甩开威利斯的手，拽着父亲的袖口急道：‘妈妈病得很重，爸爸！你快去看看她——’
Willis huffed out a breath that smelled so strongly like beer it made Bruce scrunch his nose instinctively. Ignoring little Jason’s pleas, Willis did not budge with the tugging, instead he rose to his full height– he was tall, barely shorter than Bruce. His blue, fogged eyes scanned the apartment, roving over the disastrous kitchen and pausing on the eviction notice.
威利斯呼出的气息带着浓重啤酒味，让布鲁斯本能地皱起鼻子。他对小杰森的哀求充耳不闻，任凭孩子怎么拉扯都纹丝不动，反而直起身来——他个子很高，只比布鲁斯矮些许。那双浑浊的蓝眼睛扫视着公寓，掠过狼藉的厨房，最后停在驱逐通知单上。
Bruce watched the switch flip.
布鲁斯看着开关被拨动。
“Load of shit you’ve been doing to help out round’ here, huh?” Willis asked, voice full of timber and gruffness. Little Jason’s hand whipped away from his dad’s sleeve, his mouth snapping shut in the middle of trying to get Willis to go see Catherine. Willis knocked his hand somewhat forcefully into Jason’s shoulder, which Jason seemed to barely register.
"“你在这儿帮的忙可真是屁用没有，嗯？”威利斯问道，声音里满是粗粝与暴躁。小杰森的手猛地从父亲袖口抽回，他正试图让威利斯去看望凯瑟琳的话戛然而止。威利斯有些用力地用手撞了下杰森的肩膀，而杰森似乎对此几乎毫无反应。"
When Bruce had first begun teaching Jason to spar, he’d been met by an eerily similar countenance.
当布鲁斯最初开始教杰森格斗时，他曾面对过一张诡异相似的冷峻面孔。
Willis crossed the room to get to the kitchen– he went to one of the lower cabinets, opened it and began patting around the ceiling and walls. When his hands came up empty, he rose to his full height and with an annoyed grunt kicked the cabinet with such power that everything rattled. The cabinet door swung off its hinge and hit the floor with a crash.
威利斯穿过房间走向厨房——他打开底柜，伸手在柜顶和柜壁上摸索。当双手一无所获时，他直起身子，恼怒地咕哝一声，狠狠踹向柜门，震得整个柜子哗啦作响。柜门铰链断裂，砰然砸落在地。
Little Jason jolted harshly, his mouth falling open in silent shock.
小杰森猛地一颤，嘴巴无声地张大，满脸震惊。
“The fuck you do with the money?” Willis demanded, spinning to look at Jason. “How the fuck am I gonna pay for shit? You know how expensive you are? Gonna– fucking–” Willis kicked the cabinet again, and a plastic cup bounced from the countertop onto the floor. “You spent everything, you dumbass!”
"“钱他妈被你弄哪儿去了？”威利斯转身瞪着杰森吼道，“老子拿什么付账？你知道养你多烧钱吗？我他妈——”他又踹了一脚柜子，一个塑料杯从台面弹落到地上。“全被你败光了，蠢货！”"
Anger, hot and blinding shot through Bruce when he watched little Jason flinch, his soft blue eyes start to glisten. His small hands clenching and unclenching at his sides.
当布鲁斯看见小杰森畏缩时，一股灼热而刺目的怒火席卷了他。男孩柔和的蓝眼睛开始闪烁泪光，小小的双手在身侧反复握紧又松开。
Little Jason swallowed, and it looked like it took all the effort in the world. “Mom needed medicine.” His voice was timid, low and uncertain.
小杰森咽了咽口水，这个动作仿佛耗尽了他全身力气。'妈妈需要药。'他的声音怯生生的，低沉而不确定。
Willis ran a hand through his greasy and matted black hair. He pulled it down his face, dragging his bruised, graying skin with it. “And we need a house, and food. Did ya think of that?” His voice was dripping in frustration, and little Jason heard it. Willis’ hand dropped from his face and he stared at Jason, blue eyes squinting with pure disgust, “Are you crying?” The vitriol in his tone made
Tim
flinch where he stood next to Bruce.
威利斯用油腻打结的黑发间穿过手指，将手掌重重抹过脸庞，扯动着青灰淤伤的皮肤。'我们还需要房子和食物，你想过吗？'他声音里浸透的烦躁连小杰森都听得出来。当威利斯放下手眯起蓝眼睛，用全然厌恶的眼神盯着杰森时，'你在哭？'那恶毒的语气让站在布鲁斯身旁的提姆都瑟缩了一下。
Little Jason shook his head almost desperately, even though it was obvious with the quick reddening of his cheeks and the glistening in his eyes that he was. “No–” his small voice cracked around the single syllable.
小杰森几乎绝望地摇着头，尽管他迅速泛红的脸颊和闪烁的泪光已经出卖了他。"不——"他细小的声音在这个单音节上破碎了。
“Dumbass.” Willis muttered. “I’m gone for a month and this is the shitshow I come home to? You couldn’t even do the fucking
dishes?”
With zero warning, Willis whipped around and snatched a plate from the sink– it went flying.
“白痴。”威利斯低声骂道。“我才离开一个月，回来就看到这烂摊子？你他妈连碗都不洗？”毫无预兆地，威利斯猛地转身从水槽里抓起一个盘子——盘子飞了出去。
The crash of it hitting the floor at little Jason’s feet made Dick jump about a foot in the air, and even Damian stumbled back.
小杰森脚边那东西砸在地上的巨响让迪克惊跳起来，差点蹦到半空，连达米安都踉跄着后退了一步。
Little Jason scrambled back from the shattered glass, his lip wobbling and his chin dimpling with the effort to hold back tears.
小杰森从碎玻璃旁踉跄后退，嘴唇颤抖，下巴因强忍泪水而凹陷。
“I went to fucking prison fo’ tryna scrape up some money to take care of yer ungrateful ass. And you spent all my shit on drugs?” Jason’s little chest was rising and falling quickly, and he looked… springy… ready to move at a moment provocation. Willis swayed on his feet, and in two strides he was in front of Jason, boots crunching glass. “You’re fucking useless.” His nose was inches above his son’s, a clear encroachment of space. “Clean all this shit up– I’m goin’ goin to bed.”
“老子他妈为了给你这个不知感恩的小崽子弄点钱，都蹲大牢去了。你倒好，把我那点家底全败在毒品上了？”杰森的小胸脯剧烈起伏着，整个人看起来像根绷紧的弹簧——随时都会暴起。威利斯摇摇晃晃地站着，两步就跨到杰森面前，靴子碾碎玻璃嘎吱作响。“你个废物。”他的鼻尖几乎抵上儿子的脸，赤裸裸地侵犯着对方的空间。“把这堆烂摊子收拾干净——老子要睡觉了。”
Trembling, dressed in the shadow of his father, Jason whispered, “The water got turned off.”
颤抖着，笼罩在父亲的阴影下，杰森低声说道：“水被关掉了。”
Willis turned away, his slouching frame dragging itself down the hall to Catherine’s bedroom door. “‘Course it fucking did.” he muttered. “Fucking kid– fucking prison…”
威利斯转过身，佝偻的身影拖着步子走向凯瑟琳的卧室门。“当然他妈的是这样。”他低声嘟囔着，“该死的小鬼——该死的监狱……”
Then Catherine’s door shut, and the only sounds were little Jason’s breathing and the distant muffling of Willis moving behind the door.
接着，凯瑟琳的房门关上了，唯一的声音是小杰森的呼吸声，以及威利斯在门后走动时传来的遥远而沉闷的声响。
Bruce titled his head to look at his second eldest from his periphery, and Jason looked…
normal
. And Bruce was instantly afraid he knew why. Older and younger Jason’s reactions to Connor had been filled with more obvious emotion than this. If Bruce had to guess, it was because the wound Connor had left in his wake had been unexpected– something that still festered.
布鲁斯微微侧头，用余光打量他的次子，而杰森看起来……很正常。布鲁斯立刻心生恐惧，他明白为何如此。无论是年长还是年幼的杰森，对康纳的反应都比此刻流露更多明显情绪。若要布鲁斯猜测，那是因为康纳留下的创伤来得猝不及防——至今仍在溃烂化脓。
The wound of Willis Todd, however, was an expected thing.
然而，威利斯·托德的伤是意料之中的事。
And for a brief, heart stopping moment, Bruce recalled the Red Hood’s apathy that night, on the roof after penguin.
而在那短暂到令人心跳停滞的瞬间，布鲁斯想起了红头罩那晚的冷漠——企鹅人事件后的屋顶上。
His son had been swallowed in his shadow too, once, twice… perhaps, he still was.
他的儿子也曾被他的阴影吞噬，一次，两次……或许，至今仍是如此。
When had Jason learned to expect it from Bruce?
杰森是从什么时候开始对布鲁斯抱有这种期待的？
Uneasy with the thought, he shoved it away.
这个念头让他不安，他将其抛到脑后。
Jason had been innocent when Willis hurt him. How could they be the same?
威利斯伤害杰森时，杰森还是无辜的。他们怎么可能一样？
—
Damian was bristling with a barely checked rage. If he had any power in the matter he might have ran Willis through with his katana right then and there.
达米安强压着怒火，几乎要爆发。如果他有任何决定权，恐怕当场就会用他的武士刀刺穿威利斯。
Such inefficient guardianship was baffling.
如此低效的监护令人费解。
Perhaps Grayon’s over-emotional countenance and lack of control was rubbing off on him– but there was something severely disheartening watching little Todd wipe away silent tears with the crook of his elbow, while his small hands picked shards of glass up from off the floor.
或许是格雷昂过于情绪化的面容和失控影响了他——但看着小托德用手肘内侧抹去无声的泪水，同时那双小手从地板上捡起玻璃碎片，这一幕实在令人心碎。
Tim let out a frustrated huff of air. “What the hell was he expecting you to spend the money on?” he asked, his blue eyes pinned to little Jason, who’s tears were dripping from the tip of his button nose. “He’s acting like he expected you to file his fucking taxes.”
蒂姆泄气地呼出一口气。“他到底指望你把钱花在什么地方？”他问道，那双蓝眼睛紧盯着小杰森，泪水正从对方纽扣般的鼻尖滴落。“他表现得好像指望你去给他填那该死的税表似的。”
It was not lost on Damian that this was the first time Timothy had voiced any real complaint or grievance with the situation. He’d made small comments– but none to this degree, none with this level of anger behind it. It made a part of Damian feel validated in his own swirl of silent rage. Grayson was over-emotional, but Drake’s display meant that Damian was more grounded in his own… observations and annoyances.
达米安没有忽略，这是提摩西第一次对现状表达出真正的不满或抱怨。他之前只做过些小评论——但从未到这种程度，从未带着这样的愤怒。这让达米安内心翻腾的无声怒火得到了某种程度的认可。格雷森过于情绪化，但德雷克的爆发意味着达米安对自己那些……观察与烦恼的立场更为坚实。
Todd shot a wary glance at Tim, “He expected me to spend money on something that would last through the Winter.”
托德警惕地瞥了蒂姆一眼，“他指望我花钱买些能熬过冬天的东西。”
Damian felt something so uncalled for he almost choked. There was a
stone
in his throat. A stone he felt only when he thought Grayson, mother, or father would be harmed in some way that took them from him. Death was a part of life, the league saw life as expendable… but the thought of his mother being considered disposable simply because she was already ill? Was there always some level of futility in survival? Would Damian stop trying to save her just because he knew she was going to be gone?
达米安感到一种前所未有的窒息感，仿佛喉咙里卡了块石头。这种沉重感，只有在他想到格雷森、母亲或父亲可能以某种方式离他而去时才会出现。死亡本是生命的一部分，刺客联盟视生命如草芥……但仅仅因为母亲已经病重，就该被当作可抛弃之物吗？生存是否总带着某种徒劳？难道明知她终将离去，达米安就该放弃拯救她的努力？
Tim’s own expression of heated annoyance fell slack. “Willis must have loved Catherine, right? There’s no way he’d actually prefer her to be…?”
蒂姆原本愤怒的表情一下子垮了下来。"威利斯一定爱过凯瑟琳，对吧？他不可能真的更希望她……？"
“He was drunk, Tim. A lot. And he didn’t seem to love anyone when he was drunk.” Dick made a sound in the back of his throat that went ignored. Jason sighed, and what he said next was too honest. It made the lump in Damian’s throat swell. “I think– he did love Catherine, he went to prison multiple times trying to keep us afloat. But there was no way Catherine was going to live much longer at this point, and I blew all our fuckin money on heroine. In case you didn’t know– that doesn’t heal cancer. Willis accepted that. I hadn’t.”
“他喝醉了，提姆。经常如此。而且他醉醺醺的时候，似乎谁都不爱。”迪克喉咙里发出一声被忽视的响动。杰森叹了口气，接下来的话坦诚得让达米安喉头发紧。“我想——他确实爱过凯瑟琳，为了让我们活下去，他多次入狱。但那时候凯瑟琳已经时日无多，而我他妈把所有的钱都花在了海洛因上。以防你不知道——那玩意儿治不了癌症。威利斯接受了现实。我没有。”
Was there a strength in letting something go solely because you knew the outcome was inevitable? Or was the strength in holding on? Were there some wars worth fighting, and some lives worth protecting even if it changed nothing?
放手是否也是一种力量，只因你明知结局无可避免？抑或坚持才是真正的力量？是否有些战争值得一战，有些生命值得守护，即便一切终将徒劳？
All of Damian’s logic seemed to branch into contradicting fractals right before his eyes.
达米安所有的逻辑仿佛在他眼前分裂成了相互矛盾的碎片。
An emptiness seemed to sink down into his chest, and he found himself glancing, so embarrassingly helpless at Dick. Dick, with all of his training and basic human instinct, felt his gaze, and his own blue eyes met Damian’s.
一种空虚感似乎沉入他的胸膛，他不禁尴尬又无助地瞥向迪克。迪克凭借所有的训练和人类本能察觉到了他的目光，那双蓝眼睛与达米安的相遇了。
Damian released a breath, and inched ever-slightly closer to his oldest brother, until his hip was flush with Dick’s mid-thigh. Unsure of what he truly desired from Grayson in that moment, he simply stood there.
达米安呼出一口气，微微向他最年长的哥哥靠近，直到他的臀部紧贴着迪克的大腿中部。那一刻，他并不确定自己究竟想从格雷森那里得到什么，只是静静地站在那里。
Dick’s hand came to rest softly on his shoulder, and squeezed. And because Grayson was horrible, and so easily could read Damian, he leaned down and whispered, “It’s okay to not know how to feel about it all– I sure don’t.”
迪克的手轻轻搭在他的肩膀上，捏了捏。因为格雷森太可恶了，又如此轻易就能读懂达米安的心思，他俯下身低声说道："不知道该如何面对这一切也没关系——我自己也搞不清楚。"
Did Todd? 托德干的？
Evidence pointed to no.
证据指向不。
—
Tim’s brain had white-screened following Jason’s admission. His
confession.
The worst part about it was the fact that Jason didn’t seem to hear himself when he said it.
蒂姆的大脑在杰森坦白后一片空白。他的自白。最糟糕的是，杰森在说这些话时，似乎根本没意识到自己说了什么。
Something that would last through the Winter…
as if Catherine was a houseplant, and ten-year old Jason had been spending precious money on magic water to keep it growing. Tim had a million issues with Catherine Todd– but her cancer was not one of them. The neglect she’d subjected Jason to because of it was unsavory, but the situation was so fucked, he had a hard time condeming exactly how it had all played out. Even if Catherine was not an addict, she would not have had the physical means nor ability to hold a job and take care of Jason with her diagnoses.
某种能熬过寒冬的东西……仿佛凯瑟琳是株室内植物，而十岁的杰森正花费宝贵的金钱购买魔法水来维持它的生长。蒂姆对凯瑟琳·托德有一大堆不满——但她的癌症不在其中。她因此对杰森的忽视令人不快，但整个情况糟透了，他很难确切谴责事情是如何发展到这一步的。即使凯瑟琳没有毒瘾，以她的诊断结果，她既没有体力也没有能力保住工作并照顾杰森。
But for Willis to
blame
Jason for trying to keep her alive? To blame a kid for trying to help their mom?
但威利斯怎么能因为杰森试图救她而责怪他？怎么能责怪一个孩子想要帮助自己的母亲？
Tim’s insides felt like acid.
蒂姆的五脏六腑仿佛被酸液侵蚀般灼痛。
Jason shrugged, as if his words had any modicum of casualness to them. “He wasn’t like this all the time.”
杰森耸了耸肩，仿佛他话里还带着几分漫不经心。‘他并非总是这样。’
With the glass now cleaned up, they were all quietly watching little Jason drag his blanket and pillow out of his room into the hall, where he dropped both on the hardwood floor outside of his parents bedroom door. Then he curled up there, eyes open and glazed, head tilted towards the door– obviously listening in.
玻璃碎片清理干净后，大家都默默注视着小杰森拖着他的毯子和枕头从房间来到走廊，将东西丢在父母卧室门外的硬木地板上。随后他蜷缩在那里，睁着呆滞的双眼，脑袋偏向房门方向——显然在偷听。
Tim wasn’t sure what for. All he knew was how the scene made something twist in his gut. The two people Jason needed most were behind that door, so unaware of the way their son was silent begging right outside.
蒂姆不确定这是为什么。他只知道这一幕让他胃里一阵绞痛。杰森最需要的两个人就在那扇门后，浑然不知他们的儿子正在门外无声地乞求。
—
Jason’s words about Willis proved to be true, when the morning came and the memory shifted– little Jason was stirred awake by his parents’ bedroom door opening, and the scuff of Willis’ socked feet on the wood, stopping just before they trampled on his son.
杰森关于威利斯的话被证实了，当清晨来临，记忆转换——小杰森被父母卧室门打开的声音惊醒，威利斯穿着袜子的脚在木地板上拖曳，就在即将踩到儿子前停了下来。
Dick’s chest constricted nervously, his hand squeezing Damian’s shoulder slightly harder than he meant to. Damian didn’t seem to notice.
迪克的胸口因紧张而紧缩，他的手无意间比预想中更用力地捏紧了达米安的肩膀。达米安似乎并未察觉。
Because they were all enraptured by the uncanny scene before them.
因为他们都被眼前这诡异的一幕迷住了。
Like any small child with a desire to be held, little Jason was pretending to still be asleep– and Willis, in an unpredictable moment of softness, bent down and scooped the boy into his arms, carrying him and his pillow to the sofa, where he laid the boy down.
就像任何渴望被抱的小孩子一样，小杰森假装还在熟睡——而威利斯在难以预料的温柔时刻，弯下腰将男孩连同他的枕头一起抱起，带到沙发旁，轻轻放下。
Tension eased from Dick’s shoulders, but the confusion that replaced it was almost worse.
迪克肩头的紧绷感消散了，但取而代之的困惑几乎更令人难受。
‘He didn’t seem to love anyone
when
he was drunk’ Was what Jason had said.
"他喝醉时似乎谁也不爱" 杰森曾这样说过。
The emphasis on
when
should have been more obvious than it was initially. Because, perhaps, Dick realized, Jason still had not made sense of Willis. That Jason was still just as confused as Dick currently felt.
关于"何时"的强调本应比最初更加明显。因为，也许迪克意识到，杰森仍然没能理解威利斯。杰森此刻的困惑，与迪克感受到的如出一辙。
And Dick bit his tongue in an effort to reign in his surplus of questions. The most obvious one being: What must it have felt like, to have love given on the serrated edge of a blade?
迪克咬住舌头，竭力抑制住满腹疑问。其中最明显的一个是：被利刃的锯齿边缘施予爱意，该是怎样的感受？
And because he could not touch Jason, he found himself pulling Damian closer, as if that would bridge the gap opening up under his feet, as if it might mend the chasm fracturing between himself and Jason.
由于无法触及杰森，他不由自主地将达米安拉得更近，仿佛这样就能填补脚下裂开的鸿沟，仿佛这样就能弥合他与杰森之间破碎的深渊。