“Do you think we would have fought if we’d been a couple?” my best friend Jeff asked me the day before he died.
“你觉得如果我们是一对，我们会吵架吗？”我最好的朋友杰夫在去世前一天问我。

Two days earlier, we had left the hospital with information about palliative care and hospice. That morning, he had nudged me awake before 4 a.m., saying, “I think it’s going to be today.”
两天前，我们带着有关姑息治疗和临终关怀的信息离开了医院。那天早上，他在凌晨 4 点之前把我叫醒，说：“我想今天就到了。

We spent the next two hours sitting in bed surrounded by paperwork, dealing with the business of dying. When the sun rose, we ventured into the kitchen to make coffee and feed the doves on Jeff’s fire escape. “My doves,” he called them.
接下来的两个小时，我们坐在床上，周围都是文书工作，处理着临终的事情。太阳升起时，我们冒险进入厨房煮咖啡，并在 Jeff 的消防通道上喂鸽子。“我的鸽子，”他叫它们。

I smiled, wiping down the counter. “I don’t think we would have fought.”
我微笑着擦了擦柜台。“我认为我们不会打架。”

“We would have fought a lot,” he said. “But it wouldn’t have mattered.”
“我们会打很多架，”他说。“但这并不重要。”

Throughout our 16-year friendship, Jeff and I had, indeed, fought a lot. I delighted in reminding him that he admitted he didn’t even like me the first time we met.
在我们 16 年的友谊中，Jeff 和我确实吵了很多架。我很高兴地提醒他，他承认我们第一次见面时他甚至不喜欢我。

“That’s not it,” he said. “It’s not that I didn’t like you.”
“不是这样，”他说。“不是我不喜欢你。”

“But that’s what you said!”
“但你就是这么说的！”

“Fine, have it your way,” he said, laughing. “I didn’t like you. But that’s not what I meant.”
“好吧，随你便吧，”他笑着说。“我不喜欢你。但这不是我的意思。

“Oh, really? Tell me then — what did you actually mean?”
“哦，真的吗？那么告诉我——你到底是什么意思？

A friend of mine had dubbed Jeff “Actually Man” after she complained of an itchy spider bite, and he said, “Actually, most spiders don’t bite.” Always the contrarian, he started many of his sentences with “Actually.” When I wanted to get under his skin, that’s what I called him.
我的一个朋友在抱怨蜘蛛咬伤发痒后称 Jeff 为“Actually Man”，他说：“实际上，大多数蜘蛛不会咬人。他总是逆向而行，他的许多句子都以“实际上”开头。当我想深入了解他时，我就是这么称呼他的。

In my phone, however, he was “Blue Falcon,” a code name he adopted when we were keeping tabs on a new neighbor in my building whose erratic behavior included napping in the lobby. Jeff lived down the block near the subway entrance, and from his balcony he would text: “I have eyes on our target, Red Sparrow. He’s coming in hot, headed right toward you.”
然而，在我的手机里，他是“蓝鹰”，这是我们在密切关注我所在大楼的一位新邻居时采用的代号，他的古怪行为包括在大厅打盹。Jeff 住在地铁入口附近的街区，他会在他的阳台上发短信：“我盯上了我们的目标，红麻雀。他气势汹汹地冲进来，正朝着你走来。

Jeff and I were introduced by my then-husband, Tom. One night after Tom and I moved to Brooklyn, he came back from an artists’ networking event excited to report that he had met a single father with a daughter close in age to our two children.
Jeff 和我是我当时的丈夫 Tom 介绍的。我和汤姆搬到布鲁克林后的一天晚上，他从艺术家的社交活动回来，兴奋地报告说，他遇到了一位单身父亲，他的女儿与我们两个孩子年龄相近。

Soon we were all friends, taking the girls trick-or-treating, celebrating birthdays and Thanksgiving. When a string of gray days got me down, I decided to take up running, and Jeff offered to join me.
很快我们就成了朋友，带着女孩们玩不给糖就捣蛋的游戏，庆祝生日和感恩节。当一连串的灰暗日子让我沮丧时，我决定开始跑步，Jeff 主动提出加入我。

On those cold mornings, I would roll out of bed, bundle up and jog down the block to find Jeff waiting on the corner, hopping up and down to stay warm, goofy grin widening as I approached. We would head for Prospect Park and run the 3-mile loop, sharing increasingly intimate tales with each mile.
在那些寒冷的早晨，我会从床上滚下来，穿好衣服，沿着街区慢跑，发现 Jeff 在拐角处等着，上蹿下跳以保持温暖，当我走近时，傻乎乎的笑容越来越大。我们会前往 Prospect 公园，跑 3 英里的环路，每英里都分享越来越亲密的故事。

When he told me stories about the sexual proclivities of his latest girlfriend, I laughed so hard I peed my running tights.
当他给我讲他新女友的性倾向时，我笑得连裤袜都尿了。

As often as we laughed, we butted heads. I am a churchgoer and carry a light-up Jesus on my keychain; Jeff was an atheist who listened to Eckhart Tolle lectures on YouTube. “I’m spiritual, not religious,” he said.
我们笑的时候，我们经常互相撞头。我经常去教堂，钥匙链上挂着一个发光的耶稣;杰夫是一位无神论者，他在 YouTube 上听埃克哈特·托尔 （Eckhart Tolle） 的讲座。“我是属灵的，而不是宗教的，”他说。

“So you’re not an atheist! You’re agnostic, at best,” I replied. “You’re a believer. Admit it.”
“所以你不是无神论者！你充其量是不可知论者，“我回答。“你是一个信徒。承认吧。

“How can you believe in Jesus and astrology?” he said. “It doesn’t make sense.”
“你怎么能相信耶稣和占星术呢？”“这没有意义。”

I was a Scorpio and Jeff was a Gemini; we shouldn’t get along at all, which is what I said to both him and to my friends who suggested, after Tom and I divorced, that Jeff could be more than a friend.
我是天蝎座，杰夫是双子座;我们根本不应该和睦相处，这是我对他和我的朋友说的，他们在 Tom 和我离婚后建议 Jeff 不仅仅是一个朋友。

“What about Jeff?” they would ask after I recounted yet another dating fiasco. “Why not try and see?”
“杰夫呢？” 在我讲述了另一次约会惨败后，他们会问。“为什么不试试看呢？”

Try, meaning what? Kiss him? Have sex with him? I shuddered at the thought. Jeff and I knew each other too well to be attracted to each other. But when a list of questions appeared in this very column purporting to help people fall in love, we decided to give it a go.
尝试，意味着什么？亲吻他？和他发生性关系？想到这里，我就不寒而栗。Jeff 和我彼此太了解了，不会互相吸引。但是，当这个专栏中出现一系列旨在帮助人们坠入爱河的问题时，我们决定试一试。

One winter afternoon, he and I sat down and asked each other about our pasts, our values and our aspirations. When we were done, we stared into each other’s eyes for four full minutes, as prescribed — and collapsed, weak with laughter.
一个冬天的下午，他和我坐下来，互相询问我们的过去、我们的价值观和我们的抱负。完成后，我们按照规定盯着对方的眼睛看了整整四分钟——然后瘫倒在地，笑得虚弱。

“The thing is,” I said, “we already love each other.”
“问题是，”我说，“我们已经彼此相爱了。

He nodded. “Let’s go sledding.”
他点点头。“我们去玩雪橇吧。”

I looked out into the January dark. “But it’s nighttime.”
我望向一月的黑暗。“但现在是晚上。”

“So?” “所以？”

I pulled on my boots and mittens and grabbed the children’s sled. When we reached the park, we had the hill all to ourselves.
我穿上靴子和手套，抓住了儿童的雪橇。当我们到达公园时，这座山完全属于我们自己。

A few months later, Jeff learned he had thyroid cancer. Instead of following doctors’ advice, he embarked on a series of special diets and alternative therapies. One afternoon he called me in a panic after ingesting too much high-dose cannabis oil. Terrified of losing him and infuriated by his pigheadedness, I didn’t pick up.
几个月后，Jeff 得知他患有甲状腺癌。他没有听从医生的建议，而是开始了一系列特殊的饮食和替代疗法。一天下午，他在摄入了过多的高剂量大麻油后惊慌失措地打电话给我。害怕失去他，被他的猪头激怒，我没有接电话。

When the tumor in Jeff’s neck began to interfere with breathing and swallowing, he relented, and our morning runs were replaced with trips to Memorial Sloan Kettering. After surgery and a brutal summer of radiation, Jeff recovered, and so did our relationship, but both had sustained damage.
当 Jeff 脖子上的肿瘤开始干扰呼吸和吞咽时，他心软了，我们的晨跑被去纪念斯隆凯特琳的旅行所取代。经过手术和残酷的放射治疗夏天，杰夫康复了，我们的关系也恢复了，但两者都受到了损害。

I lost count of how many times I stopped speaking to Jeff over the next few years. Often, it was because of an insensitive comment he refused to apologize for. (“Look at your cute chubby arms!” he said after I gained a few pandemic pounds.) The last time, instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” he texted, “Come watch a movie with me.”
在接下来的几年里，我已经记不清有多少次我不再和 Jeff 说话了。通常，这是因为他拒绝为某条麻木不仁的评论道歉。（“看看你那可爱的胖乎乎的胳膊！”最后一次，他没有说“对不起”，而是发短信说：“来和我一起看电影吧。

Hurt, angry and stubborn, I ignored him.
受伤、愤怒和固执，我无视他。

But when a mutual friend told me Jeff was in an emergency room with breathing problems in Los Angeles, where he was visiting, I didn’t hesitate. “Blue Falcon, do you copy?” I texted. “I hear you’re in the hospital.”
但是，当一个共同的朋友告诉我，Jeff 在洛杉矶的急诊室里呼吸困难时，我没有犹豫。“Blue Falcon，你抄吗？”我发短信。“我听说你在医院。”

“Red Sparrow,” he replied. “I fear the worst, my comrade.”
“红麻雀，”他回答。“我担心最坏的情况，我的同志。”

Six days later, I was on a plane to California. Jeff picked me up at LAX looking frail but more handsome than I remembered. He folded me into his arms, and we held each other in the arrival lane.
六天后，我登上了飞往加利福尼亚的飞机。Jeff 在洛杉矶国际机场接我，看起来虚弱，但比我记忆中的要英俊。他把我搂进怀里，我们在到达通道上抱在一起。

Jeff had booked us an Airbnb for a couple of nights before we returned to New York to find out what was going on with his lungs. The apartment had a queen and a twin bed, and as we changed into our pajamas, I suddenly felt shy.
Jeff 在我们返回纽约了解他的肺部情况之前，为我们预订了 Airbnb 住了几个晚上。公寓里有一张大床和一张单人床，当我们换上睡衣时，我突然感到害羞。

“Do you want me to sleep in the big bed with you?” I asked.
“你想让我和你睡在那张大床上吗？”我问。

“Yes,” he said. “I need you to be the big spoon.”
“是的，”他说。“我需要你成为大勺子。”

We climbed under the comforter and switched off the lights. Inching closer, we responded to each other in a new way that felt both unfamiliar and natural. Of course, our bodies seemed to be saying. Of course this is how it should be. No fireworks. Slow, quiet, gentle, tender.
我们爬到被子下面，关上了灯。我们慢慢靠近，以一种新的方式回应彼此，感觉既陌生又自然。当然，我们的身体似乎在说。当然，这是应该的。没有烟花爆竹。缓慢、安静、温柔、温柔。

“We should have done this before I got sick,” he said the next day. “You’d have seen what I’ve really got.”
“我们应该在我生病之前就这样做，”他第二天说。“你会看到我真正拥有的东西。”

“We’re not having sex in New York,” I said. “This is a California-only thing.”
“我们在纽约没有做爱，”我说。“这是加州独有的事情。”

“Oh no, we are,” he said. “We’re going to do it every possible way.”
“哦，不，我们是，”他说。“我们将以各种可能的方式去做。”

Our first night back in Brooklyn, we retreated to our own apartments. The second night, after sleeping through Jeff’s 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. “you up?” texts, I woke at 7 a.m. to a message saying his neighbor had taken him to the emergency room.
我们回到布鲁克林的第一个晚上，我们回到了自己的公寓。第二天晚上，在睡完了 Jeff 凌晨 3 点和 5 点的“你起来了”短信后，我在早上 7 点醒来，收到一条信息，说他的邻居带他去了急诊室。

“I’m coming,” I texted. “我来了，”我发短信说。

“That’s what she said,” he replied, not missing a beat.
“她就是这么说的，”他回答，毫不犹豫。

When the doctor showed us the scans of Jeff’s lungs, I wept.
当医生向我们展示 Jeff 的肺部扫描时，我哭了。

“I’m not fighting this,” he said.
“我不是在对抗这个，”他说。

They sent us home that night, the eve of his 59th birthday.
那天晚上，他们送我们回家，那天晚上是他 59 岁生日的前夕。

Now we stood at his kitchen window, morning sun streaming in. I rose on tiptoes to kiss him. “We could have been doing this the whole time,” I said. “What was I thinking?”
现在我们站在他厨房的窗户前，清晨的阳光照进来。我踮起脚尖亲吻他。“我们本可以一直这样做，”我说。“我在想什么？”

“It’s OK,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around me.
“没关系，”他低声说，搂着我。

“I’m such a jerk,” I said, sobbing. “You’re the love of my life, and all this time I’ve been too dumb to know it.”
“我真是个混蛋，”我抽泣着说。“你是我一生的挚爱，一直以来我都太愚蠢了，不知道。”

“I think things happen the way they’re meant to. Anyway, it wasn’t just you. I was a bit of a player,” he said, waggling his eyebrows.
“我认为事情会按照他们注定的方式发生。无论如何，不仅仅是你。我有点像个玩家，“他摇着眉毛说。

That night I curled up with him, listening to him breathe. I thought he might be slipping away when he startled awake, dropping a heavy hand on my head.
那天晚上，我蜷缩在他身边，听着他的呼吸。当他惊醒时，我以为他可能正在溜走，一只沉重的手砸在我的头上。

“You OK?” he said. “你还好吗？”

I was so surprised, I laughed. “Yeah, I’m OK. Are you OK?”
我太惊讶了，我笑了。“是的，我没事。你还好吗？

“Yeah.” “是的。”

“I love you,” I said, knowing it might be the last time he would hear me say it.
“我爱你，”我说，知道这可能是他最后一次听到我这么说了。

“Love you too,” he said, drifting back into morphine-aided sleep.
“也爱你，”他说，又回到了吗啡辅助的睡眠中。

He didn’t wake up. I held his hand until the funeral home men arrived, red-faced and sweaty in their suits and ties.
他没有醒来。我一直握着他的手，直到殡仪馆的男人们到来，他们红着脸，穿着西装打领带，汗流浃背。

The day before he died, Jeff, the atheist, had said, “We’ll see each other again in another life.”
在他去世的前一天，无神论者杰夫曾说，“我们会在来世再见。

When we do, I hope he likes me as soon as he meets me.
当我们这样做时，我希望他一见到我就喜欢我。

More Modern Love 更现代的爱

Elizabeth Laura Nelson is a writer in Brooklyn. She co-founded Jenny, a website for women over 40.
伊丽莎白·劳拉·尼尔森 （Elizabeth Laura Nelson） 是布鲁克林的一名作家。她与他人共同创立了 Jenny，这是一个面向 40 岁以上女性的网站。

Modern Love can be reached at modernlove@nytimes.com.
modernlove@nytimes.com 可以到达 Modern Love。

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要查找以前的 Modern Love 散文、Tiny Love Stories 和播客剧集，请访问我们的档案。

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