When I was younger, I would have been perfectly happy spending hours alone in my room reading, learning about my latest obsession, and letting my mind wander.
当我还小的时候，我会非常享受独自在房间里待上几个小时，阅读，研究我最近着迷的事物，让思绪自由飘荡。
But my mom was intentional about creating opportunities for me to engage and socialize—encouraging me to interact with all the guests who visited our house and making me serve as a greeter at my dad’s work events.
但我的母亲有意为我创造参与和社交的机会——鼓励我和所有来访我们家的客人交流，并让我在父亲的工作活动中担任接待员。
She believed that connecting with others was a skill that had to be cultivated, even (or perhaps especially) for an introverted kid like me.
她相信与人交往是一种需要培养的技能，即使（或许尤其是）对我这样的内向孩子来说。

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately after reading David Brooks's newest book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. It was recommended to me by my friend Bernie Noe, and I was eager to dive in because I know David and enjoyed his previous book, The Road to Character. (Also: Whenever Bernie recommends a book to me, I read it.) The key premise is one I haven't found in any other book: that conversational and social skills aren't just innate traits—they can be learned and improved upon.
最近在读了大卫·布鲁克斯的新书《如何了解一个人：深度看待他人与被深度看见的艺术》后，我一直在思考这个问题。这本书是由我的朋友伯尼·诺伊推荐给我的，我很期待阅读，因为我认识大卫，并且喜欢他之前的书《品格之路》。（另外：伯尼推荐的书，我都会读。）书中的主要观点是我在其他任何书中都没有找到的：对话和社交技巧不仅仅是一种天生的特质，它们可以学习并得到提升。

As someone who has always been more comfortable making software than small talk, I found this idea both refreshing and informative. As a result, even though some of its advice may seem fairly rudimentary, the book is now my favorite of anything David has written.
作为一个一直以来更擅长编写软件而不是闲聊的人，我发现这个观点既令人耳目一新又富有启发。因此，尽管书中的一些建议可能显得相当基础，但它现在已成为我最喜欢的大卫所写的任何作品。

While reading How to Know a Person, I took a ton of notes and reflected on my own communication style. In Chapter 6, "Good Talks," David dives into what makes a conversation meaningful.
阅读《如何了解一个人》时，我做了很多笔记并反思了自己的沟通方式。在第六章“良好的谈话”中，大卫深入探讨了让对话变得有意义的因素。
It really got me thinking about when I am fully present and engaged in a conversation, and when am I just trying to preserve my energy or avoid being interrupted.
这让我开始思考，什么时候我是在全神贯注地参与对话，而什么时候我只是在试图保存精力或避免被打断。
I had to laugh at myself a bit, because I know I've been guilty of talking about topics I find fascinating, like the history of fertilizer, without always checking to see if the other person is interested.
我得对自己笑一笑，因为我知道我有时也会犯这样的错误，谈论自己感兴趣的话题，比如化肥的历史，却没有确认对方是否也感兴趣。

One powerful takeaway from the book is the importance of active listening—or, as David calls it, loud listening. “When another person is talking,” he writes, “you want to be listening so actively that you’re practically burning calories.” I’m pretty good at that kind of listening when I’m super interested in a topic, especially when I’m learning something new.
这本书给我留下深刻印象的一点是主动倾听的重要性——大卫称之为“大声倾听”。他写道：“当另一个人在说话时，你要积极倾听，几乎要耗费体力。”当我对某个话题特别感兴趣，尤其是当我正在学习新知识时，我在这方面做得相当好。
But the book made clear how transformative it can be to bring that same enthusiasm when listening to someone talk about a hardship they’re dealing with or an accomplishment they’re proud of.
但书中清晰地表明，当聆听别人讲述他们正在应对的困难或引以为豪的成就时，带着同样的热情可以带来多么深刻的转变。

Fortunately, the book is full of practical advice for doing that.
幸运的是，这本书中充满了如何做到这一点的实用建议。
David emphasizes something I’ve found really helpful in my own life: asking open-ended questions—with phrases like "How did you…," "What's it like…," "Tell me about…," and "In what ways…"—that invite people to share their experiences and perspectives in a more in-depth way.
大卫强调了一种我在自己生活中发现非常有帮助的方法：提出开放式问题，比如“你是如何……的？”“感觉怎么样……？”“跟我谈谈……”和“在哪些方面……”，这些问题能鼓励人们更深入地分享他们的经历和观点。
David also recommends using the "looping" technique, where you paraphrase what someone has just said to ensure you've understood them correctly.
大卫还建议使用“循环”技巧，即复述别人刚刚说的话，以确保你正确理解了他们的意思。
And he endorses what experts call the SLANT method to convey attention and interest in a conversation: Sit up, Lean forward, Ask questions, Nod, and Track the speaker.
他支持专家们所说的 SLANT 方法来表达对话中的关注和兴趣：坐直、身体前倾、提问、点头并跟踪说话者。

What I found especially compelling about the book is how it shows that these skills are relevant across all kinds of relationships and interactions.
我发现这本书特别吸引人之处在于，它展示了这些技巧在各种人际关系和互动中都具有相关性。
Whether you're catching up with a close friend, chatting with a coworker, or just exchanging pleasantries with someone while waiting in line for a cheeseburger, being fully present and attuned can transform the encounter.
无论你是在与亲密的朋友聊天，与同事交谈，还是在排队等汉堡时与人闲聊，全神贯注地投入都能改变这次相遇的体验。
These simple practices can go a long way in making others feel heard and valued.
这些简单的做法能让他人感到被倾听和重视。

The more I read, the more I realized how much the book's insights connect to the broader challenges we face in today's world. Back in 1995, when I wrote The Road Ahead, I predicted that technology would make it easier for us to stay connected with our hometowns and share our lives with others. And in many ways, it has.
越阅读，我越意识到这本书的洞察力与当今世界我们所面临的更广泛挑战有多么紧密的联系。早在 1995 年，我在撰写《未来之路》时，预言技术将使我们更容易与家乡保持联系，与他人分享我们的生活。在很多方面，这已经成为现实。
But David argues in Chapter 8, "The Epidemic of Blindness," that technology has also contributed to a growing sense of loneliness and disconnection. We may be more connected than ever, but are we truly seeing and understanding each other?
但大卫在第 8 章“盲目性流行病”中认为，技术也导致了日益严重的孤独和疏离感。我们可能比以往任何时候都更紧密地联系在一起，但我们真的能看到并理解彼此吗？

This question becomes even more urgent when considering the social and political divisions David highlights.
当考虑到大卫强调的社会和政治分歧时，这个问题变得更加紧迫。
The statistics he cites about the rise in depression, suicide, and distrust are alarming, and he makes the case that this social unraveling is fueling our political divides.
他引用的关于抑郁症、自杀和不信任感上升的统计数据令人震惊，而他提出这一社会瓦解正在加剧我们的政治分歧的观点也很有说服力。
His discussion about how politics can become a substitute for genuine connection—leading people to get their satisfaction from yelling at those they disagree with instead of trying to understand them—highlights a trend that worries me a great deal.
他关于政治如何成为真实连接的替代品的讨论——让人们从对不同意自己观点的人大声喊叫中获得满足感，而不是试图去理解他们——突显了一种让我非常担忧的趋势。

In the book, David connects these social ills to changes in our education system. He argues that schools have shifted away from teaching what he calls “moral and social skills,” and that this has left us ill-equipped to build strong relationships and communities.
在书中，大卫将这些社会问题与我们教育系统的变革联系起来。他认为，学校已经偏离了教授他所谓“道德和社会技能”的方向，这使我们无法有效地建立牢固的人际关系和社区。
It’s an interesting and timely argument for sure, but I wished it were further built out.
这无疑是一个有趣且及时的观点，但我希望它能进一步发展和完善。
I’d be interested in reading more about how David defines this type of teaching, how he measures the changes, and how he thinks education can help reverse some of these troubling social trends. In fact, I think there’s another book waiting to be written here.
我有兴趣阅读更多关于大卫如何定义这种教学方式，他如何衡量这些变化，以及他认为教育如何能够帮助逆转一些令人担忧的社会趋势的内容。事实上，我觉得这里还有一本书等待被写就。

For the most part, though, what makes David's book so compelling is that it challenges us to put its insights into practice.
然而，大卫的书之所以引人入胜，大多数原因在于它激励我们将其洞见付诸实践。
It's about being intentional in our interactions, whether that means asking more thoughtful questions, fully listening to the answers, or expressing genuine appreciation.
这关乎在我们的互动中具有目的性，无论是提出更有深思的问题，全心倾听回答，还是表达真诚的赞赏。
It's about approaching conversations with generosity and curiosity, looking for ways to connect and understand.
这关乎以慷慨和好奇的心态参与对话，寻找建立联系和理解的方法。
And it's about realizing that even small things—like asking the right question at the right time or giving a nice compliment—can make a big difference in building relationships. I’m certain that what I learned from the book will stay with me for a long time.
这关乎意识到即使是小事，比如在正确的时间提出正确的问题或给予美好的赞美，也能在建立关系中产生重大影响。我确信从这本书中学到的东西会伴随我很长一段时间。

Overall, I can’t recommend How to Know a Person highly enough. More than a guide to better conversations, it’s a blueprint for a more connected and humane way of living.
总的来说，我强烈推荐《如何了解一个人》。这不仅仅是一本关于如何进行更好对话的指南，更是一种构建更紧密、更人性化生活方式的蓝图。
It's a must-read for anyone looking to deepen their relationships and broaden their perspectives—and I believe it has the power to make us better friends, colleagues, and citizens.
对于任何想要增进人际关系和开阔视野的人来说，这是一本必读之作——我相信它有能力让我们成为更好的朋友、同事和公民。