Chapter Text 正文
The smell of motor oil engulfed Damian’s nostrils as the next memory swirled into focus around them. They were in a garage, bleary yellow truck-headlights beaming in from the driveway just outside, bathing the other car in the garage in their light.
机油的气味充斥着达米安的鼻腔，下一段记忆在他们周围逐渐清晰。他们身处车库，车道外昏黄的卡车前灯照射进来，将车库里的另一辆车笼罩在光线中。
“How much longer do ya think, Will?” A gruff male voice asked, somewhere behind the headlights; just a shadowy form. The scuff of heavy footsteps was just barely louder than the rumble of the truck engine.
"‘你觉得还要多久，威尔？’一个粗犷的男声从前灯后方传来，只见一道黑影。沉重的脚步声几乎盖不过卡车引擎的轰鸣。"
An annoyed huff was the answer, which emitted from the underbelly of the car, where a man– Willis, but the looks of it– was; his back resting on a skateboard.
一声恼怒的喘息从车底传来，那里躺着个男人——看样子是威利斯——他背靠滑板躺着。
Unsatisfied by that reply, the other guy kept talking, appearing before the headlights now, bathing part of the garage in shadow. “Keep bitchin’ like we got time to kill, why don’t ya? Fuckin coppers put out a warrant for the car.”
对这回答不满，另一个家伙继续喋喋不休，此刻出现在车头灯前，给车库投下一片阴影。“继续抱怨吧，好像我们时间多得很似的？该死的条子对这车发了通缉令。”
“I’m aware, Mickey.” After a beat of silence, followed by another defeated sigh, Willis used his legs to slide out from under the car. His face was oil-stained and ashen, a red rag hanging from the loops on his jeans. “You wan’ her worthy ta’ sell, right? Fix the bitch up yerself if ya so damn worried ‘bout it.” He rolled his blue eyes, “Jace, pass me the ratchet.”
"“我知道，米奇。”沉默片刻后，威利斯又挫败地叹了口气，用腿从车底滑出来。他脸上沾着油污，面色灰白，牛仔裤的环扣上挂着条红抹布。“你想让她值钱好卖出去，对吧？要是真他妈这么着急，你自己来修这贱货。”他翻了翻蓝眼睛，“杰斯，把棘轮扳手递给我。”"
Little Jason’s body stiffened to attention, and he quickly slid off the red tool box he’d been sitting on. The latches squealed as he flipped them up, and the hinges shrieked as he opened the lid.
小杰森的身体瞬间绷直，迅速从坐着的红色工具箱上滑下来。当他掀开搭扣时，金属发出刺耳的吱呀声，打开箱盖时铰链更是尖啸作响。
“Any fuckin day now.” Willis said, prompting Jason to move faster.
"“他妈的要等到什么时候。”威利斯说道，催促杰森动作再快些。"
“Which size socket?” He asked, one hand still digging, while the other adjusted the flaps of his winter hat over his ears.
"“要哪个尺寸的套筒？”他一边问，一只手仍在箱子里翻找，另一只手则把冬帽的护耳往下拉了拉。"
“One-’alf.” "“一半。”"
Jason retrieved it quickly, attaching the socket to the ratchet wrench with an obvious familiarity. He placed it in Willis’ waiting hand, and received no grunt of thanks as the man disappeared again.
杰森迅速取回它，以明显熟练的动作将套筒装在棘轮扳手上。他把它放进威利斯等待的手中，而那人再次消失时，连一声咕哝的感谢都没有。
Mickey– the other man stepped fully into the garage now, his eyes on Jason. He was blonde, stout in stature, skin weathered and broken in split-red patches, like the icy weather had a very personal vendetta against the man.
米奇——另一个男人现在完全走进了车库，目光落在杰森身上。他金发，身材敦实，皮肤饱经风霜，裂开成片片红斑，仿佛严寒天气对这个人怀有深仇大恨。
“Learnin’ the trade, kid?” He asked, and his voice softening a bit. “No school? Why not’? You dumb? Can’t read?” Little Jason shrugged. But it was heavy– heavy like Grayson’s smile after a long patrol. The type of forced nonchalance that betrayed you in the midst of your own lie. What was little Jason going to do? Tell Mickey about Connor?
"“在学手艺呢，小子？”他问道，语气缓和了些。“没上学？为啥不？你笨？不识字？”小杰森耸了耸肩。但那动作很沉重——沉重得像格雷森夜巡归来后的笑容。那种强装的漫不经心，在你撒谎时反而会出卖你。小杰森能怎么办？告诉米奇关于康纳的事吗？"
Damian could imagine how well that would go down. These men were not like Grayson. They were not the type one could voice feelings regarding
friendship
around. Not that Damian would really know– he did
not
discuss Jon with Dick,
ever
. But… Grayson could always tell when something was up; and he wasn’t the type to wave any emotion away, despite their inherent irrationality and abhorrent useless nature.
达米安能想象那会有多顺利。这些人可不像格雷森。他们不是那种你能随便谈论友情感受的类型。倒不是说达米安真的知道——他从未和迪克讨论过乔恩的事。但是……格雷森总能察觉到不对劲；而且他从不会对任何情绪置之不理，尽管它们本质上既非理性又毫无用处。
Mickey laughed, “Tough shit kid. Ain’t no shame in it though, plenty o’ successful illiterates in these parts. Myself included.”
米奇大笑道，“倒霉孩子。不过没啥好丢脸的，这地方不识字的成功人士多了去了，包括我在内。”
“I can read.” Jason said, and his tone was a mix between cautious and defensive. So really: like hesitance.
“我能看懂。”杰森说道，语气介于谨慎和防备之间。说白了：就是犹豫。
This just made Mickey laugh harder. “If you say so, kid.”
这让米奇笑得更厉害了。“随你怎么说吧，小子。”
Willis sighed. “He can read, Mick. Quit trying to’ relate to ‘im. Not everyone is dumb as rocks like you.”
威利斯叹了口气。“他能认字，米克。别老想着跟他‘套近乎’。不是每个人都像你一样蠢得像块石头。”
“I ain’t dumb. That was my who’e point!” Mickey guffawed, rubbing a hand across the blonde beard on his chin. He rolled his eyes before smirking. “Say, Jace? Ever learned how to hotwire a car? I’ll show you how smart people like us can be.”
"“我才不傻呢。这就是我的全部意思！”米基大笑着，用手摩挲着下巴上的金色胡须。他翻了个白眼，然后咧嘴一笑。“嘿，杰斯？学过怎么搭线发动汽车吗？我来让你见识下像咱们这样的聪明人是怎么干的。”"
Little Jason scowled, a clear ‘
us?’
written in his freckled expression. But even so, Jason followed when Mickey beckoned him over to the open car door across from them.
小杰森皱起眉头，长满雀斑的脸上明显写着‘咱们？’。但即便如此，当米基招手示意他过去对面那辆敞着车门的车时，杰森还是跟了上去。
Damian couldn’t see exactly what was being shown to Jason, but he heard the quiet click of a flashlight, and Mickey’s quiet instruction, “See this wire, here?”
达米安看不清具体给杰森展示的是什么，但他听到了手电筒轻轻的咔哒声，以及米基低声的指导，“看到这根线了吗，就这儿？”
Little Jason nodded. 小杰森点了点头。
The lesson went on for a bit, until Jason managed to do it himself twice. Both of the times the engine rumbled to life, little Jason’s face lit up with a triumphant grin. The same grin Damian had seen in the old photos from the paper and Tim’s time photographing Gotham’s ‘vigilante scene’. The ones father had– at some point, taken from Timothy as if they were his. Damian had only found them after extensive searching in his study.
课程又进行了一会儿，直到杰森自己成功操作了两次。每次引擎轰鸣着启动时，小杰森的脸上都会绽放出胜利的笑容。那笑容与达米安在旧报纸和蒂姆拍摄哥谭‘义警现场’时期的照片里看到的一模一样。那些父亲曾——不知何时——从提摩西那里拿走，仿佛它们本就属于他的照片。达米安是在书房里经过大量搜寻后才找到它们的。
But the face Jason was making was pure robin.
但杰森此刻的表情完全是罗宾式的。
Mickey chortled, slapping his hand almost lightly on Jason’s bony shoulder. “See kid, yer a natural! Life-saving skills, right here, taught to ya by an illiterate. Told ya I’d show ya.” Jason’s smile faded a bit, but not enough that it wasn’t clear how much the words clearly mattered to him. “See yer kid, Will? Might be as good with cars as you are. Might run a better shtick than you, give it a few years.”
米奇咯咯笑着，几乎轻飘飘地拍了下杰森瘦骨嶙峋的肩膀。"瞧见没小子，你天生就是这块料！救命的技巧，就在这儿，由一个文盲教给你。早说过我会让你见识的。"杰森的笑容淡了些，但依然明显能看出这些话对他有多重要。"看见你家小子没，威尔？搞不好对车和你一样在行。再过几年，说不定能比你更会耍花招。"
Willis grunted, pushing back out from under the car, “yeah, yeah– us Todd’s aren’t gettin’ out anytime soon are we?” He gave Jason a serious look-over. “Jus’ make sure you ain’t the one to get caught when your time comes.”
威利斯咕哝着从车底退出来，‘是啦是啦——我们托德家的人一时半会儿是脱不了身的，对吧？’他严肃地上下打量着杰森。‘轮到你的时候，可千万别成了被抓的那个。’
—
‘When’
-- the word tumbled around in Tim’s head. When– like it was inevitable that Jason would end up just like his dad. When– like it was something woven into Jason’s DNA.
‘当’——这个词在蒂姆脑海里翻滚。当——仿佛杰森注定会落得和他父亲一样的下场。当——仿佛这是刻在杰森基因里的宿命。
An uncomfortable feeling surged in the depths of his stomach.
一股不适感从他胃底翻涌而上。
Jason– the older one– would probably shoot Tim for even trying to put any analysis into class and poverty… given how far apart their worlds were.
杰森——年长的那位——很可能会因为蒂姆试图将阶级与贫困问题分析得头头是道而一枪崩了他……毕竟他们所处的世界天差地别。
But… Tim had textbook knowledge.
但……蒂姆掌握的是教科书式的知识。
He had the type of knowledge that sounded condescending and out of touch when spewed from his high horse, even when it was technically true; backed up by facts and data.
他那种知识从高高在上的角度倾倒出来时，总带着股居高临下、不食人间烟火的意味，即便在技术层面上完全正确；有事实与数据支撑亦然。
Tim’s textbook knowledge had served him well in his life. But it never quite covered everything.
蒂姆的课本知识在他的人生中一直很受用。但它从未真正涵盖一切。
He’d
felt
the gap between himself and the people he served on the streets as Red Robin. Like when he suggested to those kids out late to
‘go home to your parents’
, or when he bought a homeless man dinner and the guy flipped him off, or when he’d told a working girl that he felt like she could try to be safer on the streets.
他感受到了自己作为红罗宾时与街头所服务人群之间的隔阂。比如当他建议那些深夜游荡的孩子"回家找你们父母去"，或是给无家可归者买晚餐却换来对方的中指，又或是他对站街女郎说"我觉得你可以试着在街上更注意安全"的时候。
Once, months ago, Red Hood had caught one of these interactions; and when he dropped down from his rooftop hovel into the alley Tim was in, his emotionless white lenses met Tim’s, and the mechanical voice of his helmet said, “It’s your tone of voice.”
几个月前，红头罩曾撞见过一次这样的互动；当他从屋顶的陋室跃下，落在蒂姆所在的小巷时，他那毫无感情的白色目镜与蒂姆四目相对，头盔的机械音冷冷说道："是你的语气问题。"
“My tone?” Tim had asked. It wasn’t often he got to talk to Red Hood, and it was even less often that the conversation veered into the scope of
advice.
“我的语气？”提姆问道。他很少有机会和红头罩交谈，而谈话转向建议范畴的情况更是少之又少。
“You make people sound like they’re creating their own problems; like
you
have it all figured out.”
“你说得好像人们都在自找麻烦；就你什么都懂似的。”
“Sometimes they
are
though
.
”
“有时候他们确实如此”
“Not the point. Trust me, Gwen– the working girl– she doesn’t need to be told to be
safer.
She’s aware. That’s
your
issue, you assume that people aren’t already taking counteractive measures. But shit happens sometimes, and it doesn’t matter what job you ‘
chose
’, she just wants to know you’re paying attention enough to help when it
isn’t
safe. Which isn’t always something a person can control.” Tim could practically see Jason’s eye roll under the helmet.
“重点不在这。相信我，格温——那个打工女孩——她不需要别人提醒她注意安全。她自己清楚。问题在于你，你总以为别人没采取防范措施。但有时候倒霉事就是会发生，跟她‘选择’什么工作无关，她只是想确认在情况不妙时你有足够警觉能帮上忙。而这种事，往往不是一个人能控制的。”蒂姆几乎能想象到头罩下杰森翻白眼的样子。
“I can’t exactly change how I speak.” Tim answered, feeling off-footed by the whole interaction.
“我也没法改变自己说话的方式。”提姆回答，整个对话让他感到措手不及。
“And that’s the shit thinking that gets you kicked out of my alley. Scram, kid.”
“这就是那种让你滚出我地盘的狗屁想法。快滚吧，小子。”
Taking that as his cue, Tim grappled up to the nearest building, and when he peered over the edge, Red Hood was out on the street, talking to Gwen, and her own stance was relaxed, nothing like how it was when she was speaking with Tim. She even reached out and patted the top of Jason’s helmet, and as he walked away, blew him a kiss.
见状，蒂姆迅速攀上最近的建筑。当他从边缘窥视时，红头罩已站在街上与格温交谈。她的姿态放松自如，与和蒂姆对话时截然不同。她甚至伸手轻拍杰森头盔顶部，待他走远时，还送了个飞吻。
But now Tim was watching little Jason in the garage, surrounded by the smell of gasoline and a father who kept his whole family afloat by jacking car parts, and stealing and selling cars with his buddies.
但现在提姆看着小杰森在车库里，周围弥漫着汽油味，他的父亲靠着偷卖汽车零件、与朋友合伙盗车转卖来维持全家的生计。
Willis Todd was a nasty piece of work. And yeah, maybe the man could have found more ethical ways to make money… But with his criminal record, the eviction notice when he’d returned fresh out of prison, the kid to feed and the dying wife… how many normal salaries covered all of that? How many upstanding companies hired someone with Willis’ history?
威利斯·托德是个不折不扣的恶棍。没错，他本可以找到更正当的赚钱方式……但考虑到他的犯罪记录、刚出狱就收到的驱逐通知、嗷嗷待哺的孩子和病危的妻子……多少份正经薪水能填平这些窟窿？又有几家体面公司会雇佣威利斯这样前科累累的人？
That didn’t even begin to address Willis Todd’s general… personality issues.
这甚至还没触及威利斯·托德那普遍的……性格问题。
The man was hardly compatible with the demands of society. He was violent, and alcoholic, and lived to
survive.
这个男人几乎无法适应社会的要求。他暴力、酗酒，只为生存而活。
Tim felt something akin to hopelessness settle in the depths of his stomach.
蒂姆感到一种近乎绝望的情绪在他心底深处蔓延开来。
This was Jason’s
world
. This is what he’d grown up around, who he was told he’d
be.
这就是杰森的世界。他在这里长大，被告知这就是他将成为的样子。
“You let me teach you how to hotwire a car.” Bruce grunted suddenly, knowing Tim out of his thoughts. “Like you didn’t already know. Why?”
“你让我教你如何偷车。”布鲁斯突然哼了一声，打断了蒂姆的思绪。“好像你本来就不会似的。为什么？”
“Maybe because you were Batman, and I was taught by criminals.” Older Jason replied, tone cutting. He had taken little Jason’s previous seat on the toolbox, his long legs spread out, the laces of his boots undone. His voice was tired when he continued, “The less you knew the more you’d want to keep me–
as robin.
” The last part was tacked on quickly and awkwardly after a miniscule pause. “You already thought I was corrupted. And ‘Corrupted hero’ is an oxymoron in case you were wondering.”
“也许因为你是蝙蝠侠，而我受教于罪犯。”年长的杰森回答，语气尖锐。他取代了小杰森的位置坐在工具箱上，长腿舒展，靴带松散。继续说话时，他的声音透着疲惫：“你知道得越少，就越想留住我——作为罗宾。”最后几个字在短暂的停顿后迅速而别扭地补充道。“你早就认为我被腐蚀了。‘堕落的英雄’是个矛盾修辞，免得你好奇。”
Corrupted. 堕落。
A weird word to apply to a child. Because that’s who Jason was talking about– his years as
robin.
Red Hood was a gray area when it came to the same standard. But Robin? Jason… 12 years old… and… corrupted?
用来形容一个孩子真是奇怪。因为杰森谈论的正是他作为罗宾的那些年——红头罩在同样标准下是个灰色地带。但罗宾？杰森…12 岁…而且…堕落了？
But– Tim had heard things Bruce used to say about Jason… the stuff he
still
said when he was angry enough. The things Stephanie had told Tim that Bruce said. The comments about recklessness, and anger… he’d kind of always figured they’d been about Red Hood. Tim had figured they had little bearing on Jason before his death and subsequent resurrection.
但是——蒂姆听过布鲁斯过去是怎么评价杰森的……那些在他愤怒至极时仍会脱口而出的话。斯蒂芬妮告诉过蒂姆布鲁斯的那些言论。关于鲁莽、愤怒的评语……他原本一直以为那些是针对红头罩的。蒂姆曾以为这些评价与杰森生前及复活前几乎毫无关联。
“I found you stealing my tires. I took you in anyway.” Bruce replied, seemingly trying to sidestep the landmine Jason had just verbally planted. “I knew you had a past, despite how much was withheld..”
“我发现你在偷我的轮胎。但我还是收留了你。”布鲁斯回答，似乎在试图避开杰森刚刚埋下的言语地雷。“我知道你有过去，尽管很多事都被隐瞒了。”
“You don’t–” “你不——”
“What don’t I understand, Jason?”
"“我有什么不明白的，杰森？”"
“You aren’t listening.” Tim could hear the mounting frustration in Jason’s voice, and he found himself mentally bracing. He wasn’t even sure
he
was tracking what Jason was trying to say. Bruce’s points made sense.
"“你根本没在听。”提姆能听出杰森声音里不断累积的挫败感，他发现自己下意识绷紧了神经。他甚至不确定自己是否跟上了杰森想表达的意思。布鲁斯的论点明明很有道理。"
“You’re being vague.” Bruce said, eyes pinning Jason.
“你在含糊其辞。”布鲁斯说道，目光紧盯着杰森。
“Bruce–” Dick warned, but he was promptly cut off by,
“布鲁斯——”迪克警告道，但他立刻被，
“Learned it from you.” The words were quipped back by Jason, not with vitriol, but with a certain level of annoyance and resignation all wrapped in one. He pinched the bridge of his nose. He breathed out, steadily. “You– you already saw me as a problem to take care of. Why the fuck would I pile more onto it? Why would I jeopardize everything for the sake of honesty? It was a white lie, Bruce. It didn’t hurt anyone.”
"跟你学的。"杰森迅速回嘴，话里没有尖酸刻薄，却裹挟着几分恼火与无可奈何。他捏了捏鼻梁，缓缓呼出一口气。"你——你早就把我当成需要解决的麻烦了。我他妈干嘛还要给自己添堵？为什么要为了诚实毁掉一切？那只是个善意的谎言，布鲁斯。没人因此受伤。"
“But you still hid it.”
“可你还是把它藏起来了。”
“So fucking what?” “那又他妈的怎样？”
“You felt that you had to lie– I just hadn’t realized.” And the weird part? Bruce sounded… sincere. His voice was slow, level in a way that was honestly a bit surprising. Not because Batman couldn’t get a handle on his emotions… but because when it came to Jason? These types of conversations never stayed level. He tone stayed tentative as he continued,“There were certain things I
suspected
Jason, but those were things I knew weren’t… typical.”
“你觉得必须撒谎——我只是没意识到。”而奇怪的是？布鲁斯听起来……很真诚。他的语速缓慢，语调平稳，老实说有点出人意料。不是因为蝙蝠侠控制不住情绪……而是因为涉及到杰森时？这类对话从来不会如此心平气和。他继续说着，语气依然小心翼翼，“杰森，有些事情我确实有所怀疑，但那些都是我知道并不……寻常的事。”
“Typical.” Jason muttered, eyes downcast. His tone indicated he knew exactly what Bruce meant by the word.
"典型。"杰森低声嘟囔，目光低垂。他的语气表明他完全明白布鲁斯用这个词的用意。
Tim however? He was growing more and more confused by the second.
然而蒂姆？他每分每秒都愈发困惑。
“They weren’t things I would expect someone to share. But learning how to hotwire a car? That… that information would have been harmless. It would have affected nothing.”
“这些都不是我指望别人会分享的事情。但学会如何偷车？那……那种信息本是无害的。它不会造成任何影响。”
“Then why does it matter so much?” Jason deflected.
"“那为什么这如此重要？”杰森转移话题道。"
Bruce let out a deep sigh in his chest. “You’re twisting my meaning.”
布鲁斯在胸腔里深深叹了口气。“你曲解了我的意思。”
“You’re being vague.” Jason shot back, voice clipped.
“你说话含糊其辞。”杰森迅速回击，语气生硬。
“It mattered enough for you to lie about it.”
“这重要到让你为此撒谎。”
“O-kay,” Dick interjected, his tone light but bordering on purposeful awkwardness to break up the growing tension. “Maybe– let’s put a pin in this?”
“好吧，”迪克插话道，语气轻松却带着刻意的尴尬，试图缓解逐渐升级的紧张气氛。“要不——咱们先放一放？”
“No.” Bruce said. “I’m missing something.”
“不。”布鲁斯说。“我漏掉了什么。”
“Aren’t you always?” Jason huffed back, arms crossed.
“你不总是这样吗？”杰森双臂交叉，气呼呼地回嘴道。
Bruce’s jaw ticked, his navy gaze like the pin in a butterfly's wings.“Maybe I wouldn’t be if you were more forthcoming.”
布鲁斯的下颌绷紧，深蓝眼眸如同钉住蝴蝶翅膀的尖针。"如果你更坦诚些，也许我就不会这样。"
The words seemed to slap Jason if the way he jerked was anything to go by. “I don’t know why you think you’re some patron saint or something Bruce– but I know it now, and I knew it then– you wouldn’t have looked at me the same. If you knew half the shit I did you would never have let me be robin, you wouldn’t have wanted–” His mouth snapped shut, his teeth making an audible clicking sound. As if to recover from his half-confession, his venom gaze turned fiery. “All the shit with Garzona’s just confirmed it. Don’t play dumb.
I know you.”
杰森猛地一颤，仿佛被这句话狠狠扇了一耳光。"我不知道你为什么自以为是圣人布鲁斯——但我现在明白了，当时也明白——如果你知道真相，你绝不会用同样的眼神看我。要是你知道我干过的那些破事，你根本不会让我当罗宾，你也不会想要——"他突然咬紧牙关，牙齿碰撞发出清脆的响声。像是为了掩饰近乎坦白的失态，他燃着毒焰的目光更加灼人。"加佐纳那档子破事就是最好的证明。别装傻，我了解你。"
“You’re conflating your perception with the truth.”
“你把你的感知和真相混为一谈了。”
—
If Bruce had swung at Jason it might have been less appalling.
如果布鲁斯当时对杰森动手，或许还不会如此骇人。
Dick’s heart was pounding in his chest– not at all matching the measured tone of the conversation taking place.
迪克的心在胸腔里狂跳不止——与对话中那冷静自持的语气形成了鲜明对比。
Before he could really think, he was speaking, voice stronger than he felt. “Enough. Bruce.” The finality in his tone seemed to snap both Jason and Bruce out of the verbal cold war they were in. Jason’s expression was one of pure disbelief, his green eyes draining of all their fury to look blatantly confused. Bruce’s own face remained impassive, indifferent in the way it did whenever he was properly chastised.
还没等他真正思考，话语已脱口而出，声音比他感觉到的更为坚定。“够了，布鲁斯。”他语气中的决绝似乎一下子打破了杰森和布鲁斯之间唇枪舌战的冷战状态。杰森脸上写满难以置信，那双绿眸里的怒火骤然消退，只剩下赤裸裸的困惑。而布鲁斯的面容依旧波澜不惊，就像每次被严词训斥时那样无动于衷。
Dick’s brain was whirring almost painfully, as it tried to fill in all the gaps and blanks in the exchange that had just taken place.
迪克的大脑几乎痛苦地飞速运转，试图填补刚才那场对话中的所有空白和缺失。
But– he found something in him desperately searching Jason’s words, because there was something in them that mirrored something in himself. They were laced with the same unspoken fear he’d felt after bludgeoning the Joker’s face in until the man’s lungs emptied of air, and Dick felt a surge of stomach swooping relief; the same unspoken horror after blockbuster and Catalina.
但是——他发现自己内心迫切地想要从杰森的话语中寻找什么，因为那些话里映照出了他自己内心的某些东西。它们交织着同样的无言恐惧，就像他用重击将小丑的脸砸得血肉模糊直至对方断气后所感受到的那样，迪克感到一阵胃部翻腾的释然；那种在经历《爆裂者》和卡塔琳娜事件后同样的无言惊骇。
The same paralyzing feeling of:
Bruce can never know.
同样的令人麻痹的感觉：布鲁斯永远不能知道。
And it felt sharp, arcing through him, like a blade that had always been embedded just below his ribs, and it was only just now beginning to be pulled out.
这感觉尖锐如刃，在他体内划出一道弧线，仿佛一把始终深埋于肋骨之下的刀，此刻才刚开始被缓缓拔出。
And holy shit. Dick’s mouth felt dry, his lips pulled into a frown.
天啊。迪克感到口干舌燥，嘴唇抿成了一条不悦的线。
‘You wouldn’t have wanted–”
‘你不会想——’
Despite Jason cutting himself off, the last word of the sentence was so painfully obvious that there was no way Dick could continue to let Bruce, in all of his ignorance, tear into all of the open wounds Jason had just placed on display.
尽管杰森突然住了口，但那句话的最后一个词已经明显得令人心痛，迪克无论如何也无法继续放任对此一无所知的布鲁斯，去撕扯杰森刚刚展示在众人面前的所有未愈伤口。
It was enough. 这就够了。
Bruce said his piece. His piece, which was akin to an emotional nuke which decimated any ability to move forward.
布鲁斯说出了他的心里话。这番话，犹如一颗情感核弹，摧毁了任何继续前进的可能。
“What’s Garzonas?” Damian asked, his tone cold, gaze narrowed at Bruce.
“加佐纳斯是什么？”达米安问道，语气冰冷，目光锐利地看向布鲁斯。
“I think it’s a who,” Tim replied, his own eyebrows raised appraisingly.
“我觉得是个人，”提姆回答，一边挑起眉毛打量道。
“I’m sure you’ll all find out soon enough.” Jason snapped, but he didn’t look angry. Rather, his face had gone carefully blank.
“我相信你们很快就会都知道了。”杰森厉声说道，但他看起来并不生气。相反，他的脸上刻意摆出了一副面无表情的样子。
“Jason–” Bruce started. “杰森——”布鲁斯开口了。
“Lay off.” Dick warned again. “Now is clearly not the time.”
“别闹了。”迪克再次警告道，“现在显然不是时候。”
“You’re taking his side?” Bruce questioned, eyes snapping to Dick, who had to force his shoulders to not curl in on himself. “You think I would have kicked Jason out of my home because he had a criminal past? A child?”
“你站在他那边？”布鲁斯质问道，目光锐利地转向迪克，后者不得不强忍住肩膀想要蜷缩起来的冲动。“你觉得我会因为杰森有犯罪前科就把他赶出家门？一个孩子？”
Dick’s chest twinged as his brain latched onto Bruce’s use of ‘My home’ instead of ‘his home’. And he only let his thoughts stray to Red Hood for a moment before he was back where he needed to be mentally. “This isn’t about
sides
, Bruce. It’s about the capacity to have a civil conversation.”
迪克的胸口一阵刺痛，因为他的大脑紧紧抓住了布鲁斯说的“我的家”而不是“他的家”。他让自己的思绪只游离到红头罩那里片刻，然后就回到了他需要保持的心理状态。“这不是关于站队，布鲁斯。这是关于能否进行文明对话的能力。”
Jason was just beginning to open up to them. To talk. And Bruce wasn’t helping by adding to the already crushing anguish of vulnerability Jason was trying out.
杰森刚刚开始向他们敞开心扉。愿意交谈。而布鲁斯却在他尝试展现脆弱时雪上加霜，徒增了那份本已沉重的痛苦。
And Dick had finally learned that forcing it didn’t fucking work. Jason was reaching max capacity. That much was obvious. Everything was piling up, and it was an ugly ass picture. Bruce was setting them back by a landslide.
迪克终于明白，强迫根本他妈没用。杰森已经快撑到极限了，这再明显不过。所有事情堆积如山，局面简直糟透了。布鲁斯正在让他们一败涂地。
There was too much Dick still needed to understand, and he knew he’d never be able to help Jason in any way without rapport. The rapport Bruce was tearing to shreds.
迪克还有太多需要理解的地方，他知道若没有默契，自己永远无法真正帮到杰森。而布鲁斯正在亲手摧毁这份默契。
Dick needed to know about the scars on Jason’s arms.
迪克需要了解杰森手臂上的伤疤。
He needed to know who Garzona’s was, and why he mattered.
他需要知道加佐纳是谁，以及他为何重要。
He needed to buy Jason as stuffed fucking fox.
他得给杰森买只该死的毛绒狐狸。
He needed to know if Jason was like him. If Jason had been hurt the same way Dick had on that rooftop with Catalina.
他必须确认杰森是否和自己一样。是否也像迪克在卡塔琳娜那晚的天台上那样受过伤害。
He needed to be able to hug Jason
properly
, at some point.
他总得找个机会好好抱抱杰森。
A thought Dick had never imagined himself thinking since the murderous return of Red Hood to Gotham.
自从红头罩带着杀戮重返哥谭以来，迪克从未想过自己会有这样的念头。
Damian’s voice cut through the barrage of thoughts in Dick’s head. “I don’t see the issue with Todd lying. It is like if I told you all of the things I was taught in the league as soon as we met. Batman’s moral code would dictate that I am unfit to be robin, and even more unfit to take up your mantle when the time comes. Even though it is my birthright.”
达米安的声音穿透了迪克脑海中纷乱的思绪。“我不觉得陶德撒谎有什么问题。就像如果我一见面就把联盟教我的所有事情都告诉你们，按照蝙蝠侠的道德准则，我根本不配当罗宾，更不配在时机成熟时继承你的衣钵——尽管那本就是我与生俱来的权利。”
Dick blinked. It was hard to imagine with Damian’s candid nature that the kid had withheld anything about the league. Especially in the early days. Damian had always made it apparent with his observations and solutions in patrol that he was raised with a different metric of morality. From what Damian had told Dick directly, the boy’s life had been a hellscape that no child should ever be exposed to.
迪克眨了眨眼。以达米安直率的性格，很难想象这孩子会隐瞒任何关于联盟的事。尤其是在最初的日子里。达米安在巡逻时的观察和解决方案总是明显透露出，他是在一套不同的道德标准下长大的。根据达米安亲口告诉迪克的内容，这个男孩的生活曾是任何孩子都不该经历的地狱景象。
And here he was, saying there was
more.
而他就在这里，说还有更多。
Terror laced through Dick. Not because of Damian– of course not, that kid was like his own. But because what the fuck?
恐惧如电流般窜过迪克的脊背。不是因为达米安——当然不是，那孩子就像他亲生的一样。而是因为：这他妈什么情况？
How much shit did Dick not know about his own brothers? He could give himself a bit of a free pass with Jason given all the circumstances… But Damian? What the hell was Tim hiding, huh?
关于自己的兄弟们，迪克究竟还有多少不知道的破事？考虑到种种情况，他或许可以给杰森找个借口开脱…但达米安？提姆到底在隐瞒什么，嗯？
“I knew about your life before, Damian.” Bruce asserted, sounding like dull knives on a chopping board.
“我早就知道你的过去，达米安。”布鲁斯断言道，声音如同砧板上钝刀般沉闷。
Damian shook his head, “Tt. I distinctly recall you not being there. If you had been, you would not have taken a chance on me. I am not attempting to be contrarian for the sake of it, father. But like Todd, I know you.”
达米安摇了摇头，“啧。我清楚地记得你当时不在场。如果你在，就不会给我机会了。父亲，我不是为了反对而反对。但和托德一样，我了解你。”
“That is not true. I have always believed in giving someone multiple chances to turn themselves around.”
“那不是真的。我一直相信应该给人们多次改过自新的机会。”
The absurdity of the statement almost made Dick choke on his own spit.
这句话的荒谬程度差点让迪克被自己的口水呛到。
“Let it go, all of you.” Jason said, suddenly, his voice hard and definite. “Bruce has never known when a chance is warranted and when it isn’t.”
“都放手吧。”杰森突然说道，声音冷硬而坚决。“布鲁斯从来就分不清什么时候该给机会，什么时候不该。”
The words fell like nails in the lid of a coffin.
话语如钉子般钉入棺材盖。
The memory wiped itself out of focus, just as little Jason stood up with a shit-eating grin and obliged Mickey’s high-five when he managed to remove one of the car's tires.
记忆逐渐模糊，就在小杰森带着得意的笑容站起来，成功卸下汽车的一个轮胎时，他满足地与米奇击了个掌。
The image was one of stark premonition.
这幅画面充满了不祥的预兆。