Chapter Text 正文
The new memory began on a Sunday– something Jason only knew because of the church that had enclosed itself around them. It was easily the prettiest building within walking distance of Crime Alley, with its vaulted ceilings and stained glass windows– one of which was shattered from someone deliberately throwing a rock at it a week earlier. It was the last Sunday before Christmas, which had landed on a Thursday that year.
新的记忆始于某个周日——杰森之所以知道是周日，是因为那座将他们笼罩其中的教堂。这无疑是犯罪巷步行范围内最漂亮的建筑，拱形天花板和彩绘玻璃窗交相辉映——其中一扇玻璃窗一周前被人故意用石头砸碎了。那是圣诞节前的最后一个周日，那年圣诞正好落在星期四。
And little Jason was standing with holey red mittens in one of the pews, with a bible held open in his hands, mirroring Willis who stood beside him.
小杰森戴着破洞的红色连指手套站在长椅上，手里捧着一本摊开的圣经，模仿着身旁威利斯的姿势。
But older Jason was watching the bats. Because they were watching
him
.
但年长的杰森正注视着那些蝙蝠。因为它们也在注视着他。
Jason was pretty sure everyone wanted something from him that he couldn’t give them.
杰森相当确定每个人都想从他那里得到一些他无法给予的东西。
Solace, answers, forgiveness, anger.
慰藉，答案，宽恕，愤怒。
He saw the want for it in all of their faces. Dick’s weepy eyes and upturned brows, Damian’s hopeless scowl, Bruce’s solemn gaze– Jason wished he’d put the damn cowl back on– and Tim’s quizzical look.
他从他们每个人的脸上都看到了渴望。迪克泪汪汪的眼睛和上扬的眉毛，达米安绝望的怒容，布鲁斯严肃的目光——杰森真希望他重新戴回那该死的头罩——还有提姆困惑的表情。
And Jason was horrendously aware of how he looked at the moment– he hadn’t cried buckets or anything, but his nose was stuffy, and the place behind his eyes felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls laced with poison.
而杰森此刻对自己狼狈的模样心知肚明——他并没有哭成泪人，但鼻子堵得慌，眼眶后面仿佛塞满了浸过毒药的棉球。
Jason cried easily. Always had– but his hands had failed to work when he needed them most, instead, they fumbled uselessly with the latches of his helmet.
杰森很容易哭。向来如此——但当他最需要双手时，它们却罢工了，反而笨拙地摆弄着头盔的搭扣，毫无用处。
A stupider, ugly, and desperate part of him didn’t want the fucking helmet on. Not whenever Catherine was in the room– she couldn’t see him, he knew– but it felt wrong, somehow, to hide from her.
他内心深处某个愚蠢、丑陋又绝望的角落，就是不愿戴上那该死的头盔。尤其是凯瑟琳在场的时候——虽然明知她看不见——但躲着她感觉就是不对。
She’d never lived to see him grown up.
她没能活着看到他长大成人。
He imagined that if she had, she wouldn’t like his face much– he looked so much like Willis. But it still felt like getting to be around her all over again, and Jason wanted to show up as
himself
. Even if it meant nothing. Even if he was sure she would hate what she saw.
他想象过，如果她真能看见，大概也不会喜欢自己的脸——他长得太像威利斯了。但能重新陪在她身边的感觉如此真实，杰森想以真面目出现。即使这毫无意义。即使他确信她会厌恶眼前所见。
Willis used to slap her around, when he was drunk, before she got so sick. Back when she was just a lively junkie. Jason had listened to spats between them his whole childhood– the worst one was when Catherine had gone cold turkey. It lasted two weeks before she relapsed again. Willis had punched the dealer at the door so hard, Jason remembered watching teeth fly.
威利斯以前喝醉时经常打她，在她病重之前。那时她还只是个活泼的瘾君子。杰森整个童年都在听他们之间的争吵——最严重的一次是凯瑟琳突然戒毒的时候。那持续了两周，然后她又复吸了。威利斯把门口的毒贩揍得那么狠，杰森记得自己看到牙齿飞了出去。
Then, with whiskey on his breath and a fire in his eyes, he’d shoved Catherine so hard into a chair, the legs snapped. That moment had opened the floodgates– the fights got worse, Willis got drunker, Catherine got higher, bruises grew darker.
然后，他满嘴威士忌酒气，眼里冒着火，把凯瑟琳猛地推倒在椅子上，椅子腿都断了。那一刻打开了闸门——争吵变得更激烈，威利斯醉得更厉害，凯瑟琳嗑药更凶，淤青颜色更深。
And then she was diagnosed, two years later. And it stopped.
两年后，她被确诊了。然后这一切停止了。
Until it was Jason’s turn.
终于轮到杰森了。
The church choir’s voices swelled into a soft melodic hymn of O’ Holy Night– a hymn Jason had loved when he was younger. Still did, if he was honest.
教堂唱诗班的歌声渐强，化作《平安夜》的柔和旋律——这是杰森年少时最爱的赞美诗。老实说，现在依然如此。
‘Till He appeared, and the soul felt its worth’
They sang, little Jason’s wobbly voice following along, clumsy and without confidence. The Todd’s weren’t church goers, but they showed up around the holidays, when everyone did– with some last minute faith and a prayer for better days.
‘直到祂降临，灵魂方知自身价值’他们唱着，小杰森颤抖的嗓音跟着应和，笨拙而缺乏自信。托德一家并非虔诚教徒，但每逢节日也会随大流露面——带着临时抱佛脚的信仰和对美好明天的祈愿。
Jason didn’t know the rhyme or reason in how his subconscious brain was dredging up memories, but he was thankful that the pre-cancer ones had been blissfully skipped over, shoved into the darkest crannies, away from prying eyes.
杰森不明白自己的潜意识为何会以这种方式翻涌出记忆，但他庆幸那些癌症前的回忆被幸福地略过了，被推入最黑暗的角落，远离窥探的目光。
He wasn’t much for prayers, but the environment had brought up something in him that was ancient and catholic, and he sent one up into the vaulted ceilings, pleading– that maybe his brain would let a few other memories slide, too.
他并不常祈祷，但此情此景唤醒了他体内某种古老而天主教的情感，于是他将一句祈求抛向拱形天花板——或许他的大脑也会放过其他几段记忆。
Jason looked away from his younger self, to Bruce– and annoyance shot through him.
杰森将视线从年轻的自己身上移开，转向布鲁斯——一阵恼怒突然击中了他。
Because the man made no fucking sense.
因为这男人简直他妈毫无道理可言。
Was Jason only allowed to be angry at every parent who’d failed him
besides
Bruce? Was that it? And where there the fuck did he get the idea that Jason should be angry at Catherine? For what? Dying? For not wanting to live? She wasn’t the only person on earth who felt that way. What would she have gained by sticking around for a son who was fucking useless to her? Was she supposed to want to stay around, to suffer– just to appease Jason?
难道杰森只能对除了布鲁斯之外所有辜负过他的父母发怒？就这样？他他妈又是从哪儿得出杰森该对凯瑟琳生气的结论？凭什么？因为她死了？因为她不想活下去？世上又不是只有她一个人这么想。她留下来陪一个对她屁用没有的儿子能有什么好处？难道她就该为了安抚杰森而勉强活着受苦？
Bruce didn’t know what it was like to die. To have your body give out on you, to
wish
for it.
布鲁斯根本不懂死亡的滋味。不懂身体背叛自己的感觉，不懂求死不得的煎熬。
Jason didn’t
want
to be angry at Catherine. Why was it the one time he wasn’t filled with rage– they suddenly wanted it from him? Hadn’t they always wanted him fucking docile?
杰森不想对凯瑟琳发火。为什么偏偏在他内心毫无怒火的时刻——他们却突然渴望他的愤怒？难道他们不一直都想要他他妈温顺听话吗？
He didn’t want to think about Damian’s concerns, or their implications.
他不想考虑达米安的忧虑，或是那些忧虑背后的深意。
Catherine had asked Jason to do the impossible, to ignore everything in him that screamed in protest, and he did. Because there were things you did for the people you loved if they asked you to, even if it hurt, even if it ruined you.
凯瑟琳要求杰森去做那不可能的事，无视他内心所有的抗议呐喊，而他照做了。因为有些事，只要所爱之人开口，你便会去做，哪怕痛苦不堪，哪怕自我毁灭。
That was love. 那就是爱。
He read a passage in the bible once, that said: love keeps no record of wrongs.
他曾读过圣经中的一段话：爱是不计算人的恶。
Jason would be the first to admit that that was not his forte– but his mom was the closest he ever got to it. Catherine didn’t get Jason’s hatred, but she got his grief.
杰森会第一个承认那不是他的强项——但他妈妈是他最接近理解的人。凯瑟琳不懂杰森的恨，但她懂他的痛。
And why was that not enough for them?
为什么这对他们来说还不够？
God. He fucking hated the way the bat’s were looking at him, how their faces probed– how they made him question it.
天啊。他他妈恨透了蝙蝠们看他的眼神，那种探究的表情——他们竟让他开始质疑自己。
What the fuck did they know? Watching it wasn’t the same as living it.
他们懂个屁？旁观和亲身经历根本不是一回事。
What the fuck did they
want
from him? He didn’t
ask
them to be here.
他们到底想从他这儿得到什么？又不是他求他们来的。
That was a thought he’d thought many times now, but for some stupid reason, it made his brain stall.
这个念头他已经想过很多次了，但出于某种愚蠢的原因，它让他的大脑突然卡壳。
Because… maybe he
had
. Maybe he
had
asked them to be here– with everything but words.
因为……也许他确实这么做了。也许他曾用除了语言之外的一切方式，请求他们留在这里。
And it must have rolled off of him in waves; waves so palpable that Daryl couldn’t miss it. But Daryl and Jason were both fucking stupid idealists.
这种情绪一定如浪潮般从他身上翻涌而出，强烈到戴尔不可能察觉不到。但戴尔和杰森都是该死的理想主义蠢货。
In what world would this
ever
pan out into something worthwhile? This shit was supposed to fix Jason and all his broken fuckin bits?
在哪个世界里这玩意儿能变成有价值的东西？这破玩意儿本该修复杰森和他那些该死的破碎部分的？
It was an idiotic pipe-dream that Daryl had twisted into a nightmare.
那是达里尔扭曲成噩梦的白痴幻想。
The bats finally seeing Jason? Having all his fucking shit on display?
蝙蝠们终于见到杰森了？把他那些该死的破事全摆上台面？
A sadness, so sharp, it
hurt
twisted through him.
一种尖锐的悲伤，痛得他心如刀绞。
What the fuck had he been expecting? Understanding? What had he wanted them to see? All of the worst moments of his life? As if that was supposed to make them love him instead of just running farther away?
他他妈到底在期待什么？理解吗？他想让他们看到什么？他生命中最糟糕的时刻？好像这样就能让他们爱他而不是逃得更远似的？
He didn’t want them to love him just because they felt bad for him. He didn’t want them to decide that all the shit that happened to him made everything suddenly okay– it would be meaningless. Why would it take a fucking lobotomy for them to even consider his side? He didn’t want it to be sympathy that drove them to reconciliation, to pardoning him of all the shit between them.
他不想他们仅仅因为同情而爱他。他不想他们因为他遭遇的种种破事就突然觉得一切都无所谓——那毫无意义。为什么非得等到他脑子被切了一刀，他们才肯考虑他的立场？他不希望是怜悯驱使着他们和解，宽恕他们之间所有的龃龉。
Jason knew he wasn’t being fair. Not entirely.
杰森知道自己并不公平。不完全公平。
It wasn’t like he’d ever been particularly forthcoming about anything in his life– besides his feelings about Joker.
他向来对自己的生活讳莫如深——除了对 Joker 的感受。
The Demon Brat had been downright angelic– if not misguided at times. But Damian wasn’t as hard to appeal to as he thought he was. Damian didn’t have the same hang ups as the rest of the bats.
恶魔小子表现得简直像个天使——虽然偶尔会误入歧途。但达米安并不像他自己以为的那样难以取悦。他没有其他蝙蝠家族成员那些心理障碍。
Tim hadn’t been awful. He’d been…
Tim
.
蒂姆并不糟糕。他只是……蒂姆而已。
Dick had shut up when Jason asked him to. After the umpteenth time. And Dick had come the closest to actual understanding out of all of them. He’d come bearing the exact gifts Jason
wanted–
and yet, they felt more akin to the anticipation of a knife in your back.
迪克在杰森要求他闭嘴时照做了。在无数次之后。而且，迪克是所有这些人中最接近真正理解杰森的一个。他带来了杰森真正想要的礼物——然而，这些礼物却更像是背后即将刺来的刀锋，令人不寒而栗。
Bruce had offered Jason privacy. As much as could be given in the circumstances.
布鲁斯给了杰森隐私权。在目前的情况下，能给的都给了。
Was this what he wanted?
这就是他想要的吗？
“I don’t think Todd is listening to us.”
"“我觉得托德没在听我们说话。”"
Jason jerked his head, hard. His thoughts were a clouded jumble of horseshit and he didn’t want to spend a second longer with them anyway. His mind felt fractured, swimming in a million different directions, running into blockades of contradictions.
杰森猛地一甩头，力道大得惊人。他的思绪如同一团混杂着马粪的乱麻，而他连一秒钟都不愿再多想。他的大脑仿佛支离破碎，在无数个方向游移不定，不断撞上自相矛盾的壁垒。
He looked at Damian, raising his eyebrows in question.
他挑眉看向达米安，眼中带着疑问。
Damian huffed, his shoulders drawn up to his ears. The kid had looked tense as a coiled spring since the first memory of Willis. Jason really hadn’t expected it to jar the kid so bad. It wasn’t like he wasn’t raised by a league of assassins, or Batman’s Robin. There wasn’t much else the kid hadn’t been exposed to in his life.
达米安哼了一声，肩膀耸得几乎要碰到耳朵。自从威利斯的第一个记忆片段出现后，这孩子就像绷紧的发条般紧张。杰森真没料到这事会让他如此不安。毕竟这孩子可是被刺客联盟养大，又当过蝙蝠侠的罗宾。他这辈子还有什么大风大浪没见过呢。
“I asked you when your mother was diagnosed, and what kind of cancer she had?”
“我问过你母亲是什么时候确诊的，她得的是哪种癌症？”
“She was diagnosed when I was nine.”
"“她确诊那年，我九岁。”"
With zero warning, Jason’s throat closed. He swallowed hard, feeling his eyes widen– he’d thought about this a million times before. In his mind he knew:
“I was nine years old when mom came home from the hospital and dad told me she had a tumor.”
毫无预兆地，杰森的喉咙哽住了。他用力咽了咽口水，感到双眼睁大——他曾无数次设想过这一幕。在脑海中他早已清楚：“妈妈从医院回来那天，爸爸告诉我她长了肿瘤，那年我九岁。”
But he’d never said it out loud– and the number suddenly sounded atrociously small. It sounded
wrong
in his mouth. Jason hadn’t ever felt young at that age. He’d felt small and fragile and useless, but not
young.
但他从未说出口——这个数字突然听起来小得可怕。在他嘴里显得如此不对劲。杰森在那个年纪从未觉得自己年轻过。他感到渺小、脆弱且无用，但从不觉得年轻。
Probably because most nine year olds didn’t help their mom hobble to the bathroom, or wash her sleep shorts in the sink when her bladder gave out early. Most nine year olds didn’t know what narcan was, or how to push someone on their side so they didn’t choke on their vomit. Most nine year olds didn’t slink off to back alleys to purchase heroine.
大概因为大多数九岁的孩子不会搀扶妈妈一瘸一拐地去洗手间，或在她膀胱失控时在水槽里清洗她的睡裤。大多数九岁的孩子不知道纳洛酮是什么，也不知道如何将人侧身以防呕吐物窒息。大多数九岁的孩子不会偷偷溜进后巷购买海洛因。
But he hadn’t even been two digits.
但他甚至还没到两位数。
And from the looks on everyone’s faces– they were thinking the same thing.
从每个人脸上的表情来看——他们都在想着同一件事。
“She had ovarian cancer.” He bit out, past the tightening of his lungs in his chest. “But she was a drug addict before she got diagnosed, which sped things along– we caught it too late to fix shit anyway.”
"“她得了卵巢癌。”他艰难地挤出这句话，胸口发紧，肺部仿佛被攥住。“但在确诊前她就是个瘾君子，这加速了病情恶化——等我们发现时已经太迟，什么都挽回不了了。”"
After a loaded silence that made Jason’s whole body prick with tension, Damian suddenly reached out and tugged on the leather sleeve of his jacket. Jason looked down at him, startled by the sudden encroachment to his space.
一阵令人窒息的沉默让杰森全身紧绷，达米安突然伸手拽了拽他夹克的皮袖。杰森低头看向他，对这突如其来的侵犯感到惊讶。
“Kid?” He asked, lowering his voice at the look in Damian’s eyes. He looked– nervous.
“孩子？”他问道，看到达米安眼中的神情后压低了声音。达米安看起来——很紧张。
“Todd?” Damian’s voice took on a weird lilt to it– it was self conscious, and serious all at once. It made everything in Jason still, preparing for what the boy might say. But he still found himself taken aback when the boy continued, “May we speak away from everyone else?”
“托德？”达米安的声音突然变得古怪起来——既带着自我意识，又透着一股严肃。这让杰森全身一僵，做好了应对男孩接下来可能说出的话的准备。但当男孩继续道“我们能私下谈谈吗？”时，他还是感到猝不及防。
Jason watched Tim and Dick cast side-long glances to each other over Damian’s head, both appearing bewildered as Jason felt by Damian’s odd request.
杰森看着提姆和迪克在达米安头顶交换着困惑的眼神，两人似乎都对达米安古怪的要求感到不解，正如杰森所感受到的那样。
“I- uh… yeah?” “我——呃……是啊？”
Jason could stand to get away from everyone for a minute.
杰森需要暂时远离所有人一会儿。
Instantly, Damian was tugging Jason along with him, to the corner of the room, far away from Willis and little Jason, and the congregation of bats.
立刻，达米安拽着杰森跟他一起躲到了房间的角落，远离威利斯和小杰森，以及那群蝙蝠。
They were all watching, attention rapt.
他们全都目不转睛地看着，全神贯注。
Jason felt a prickle of self consciousness cover him– it felt the same exact way they watched him on patrol, with distrust and wariness.
Jason 感到一阵自我意识的刺痛笼罩全身——那种感觉和他们巡逻时盯着他的眼神一模一样，充满了不信任与戒备。
“Kid?” Jason prompted, when Damian didn’t immediately speak.
“小子？”杰森催促道，见达米安没有立即回应。
“Todd.” He replied in a curt voice. Another beat of prolonged silence, pierced only by the choir’s mournful tune.
"“托德。”他简短地回应道。又是一阵漫长的沉默，唯有唱诗班哀伤的曲调刺穿其间。"
“Are you gonna speak or we just gonna stand here?”
"“你是打算开口，还是我们就这么干站着？”"
Damian nodded slowly, and then he folded his hands in front of him, squared his shoulders and looked directly into Jason’s eyes, “I’ve decided I don’t want to watch Catherine die, and I am asking you to warn me when she does. And you can tell no one else about this.”
达米安缓缓点头，随后双手交叠于身前，挺直肩膀直视杰森的眼睛，“我决定了，我不想目睹凯瑟琳死去，所以请求你在那一刻到来时提醒我。而且你不能将此事告诉其他任何人。”
Jason wasn’t sure there was a single thing in the world that would have prepared him for what Damian just said.
杰森不确定这世上有什么能让他对达米安刚才的话有所准备。
“You don’t want to…”
"“你不想……”"
Damian rolled his eyes. “You heard me, Todd. I have no desire to see it. It disturbs me.”
达米安翻了个白眼。“你听见了，陶德。我一点也不想看。它让我感到不适。”
“Disturbs you…?” Damian had made his feelings on Willis and Catherine quite plain. He didn’t have grace for them. Jason’s thoughts were a whirlwind he couldn’t stop. What was Damian playing at? What was his angle? His confusion must have been blatant, because Damian blew out an annoyed breath, and his eyes closed when he said:
"“让你不适……？”关于威利斯和凯瑟琳，达米安的态度已经表达得够清楚了。他对他们毫无宽容之心。杰森的思绪如旋风般无法停歇。达米安到底在打什么主意？他有什么企图？他的困惑一定显而易见，因为达米安恼火地呼出一口气，闭着眼睛说道："
“I keep thinking about my mom. And Grayson. And you– and I don’t wish to see your child-self in pain. I know that must sound paradoxical coming from me, but it’s making my stomach hurt, and I’m older than I once was, and you can tell
no one
this… but I am… I am starting to see why Grayson is so sad about my childhood all the time. I was obviously made to be the heir to my grandfather’s throne, and thus I can handle what comes with it– but I see that I was small like you once, and you were much more vulnerable than I, and I don’t want to watch it.”
“我一直在想我的妈妈，还有格雷森，还有你——我不愿看到你幼时的痛苦。我知道这话从我嘴里说出来可能很矛盾，但它让我胃疼，我已经不再年轻，而且你不能告诉任何人……但我……我开始明白为什么格雷森总是为我的童年感到难过了。显然，我被培养成祖父王位的继承人，因此我能承受随之而来的一切——但我意识到我也曾像你一样弱小，而你比我脆弱得多，我不忍目睹这一切。”
Jason blinked. Then, he let out a low whistle, stuffing his hands into his pockets, he rocked back on his heels. He could think of nothing else to say but, “Dick’s infected ya, huh?”
杰森眨了眨眼。随后，他发出一声低沉的口哨，双手插进口袋，脚跟向后一蹬，身体微微摇晃。他实在想不出别的话来，只能说道：“迪克把你传染了，是吧？”
Outrage scorned Damian’s features. “I have not been infected by that imbecile’s waterfall of constant emotion. I simply feel that–”
愤怒扭曲了达米安的面容。"我才没有被那个白痴如瀑布般泛滥的情感所感染。我只是觉得——"
“Relax, Demon Brat. I’m joking. Sort of– I wasn’t trying to actually upset you.” Jason really wasn't. He just... didn't know what do with what Damian was saying. He didn't know how to dissect it all... but it lit up something that Jason could only describe as warm and affectionate in his chest.
“放松点，恶魔崽子。我开玩笑的。算是吧——我没真想惹你生气。”杰森确实没有。他只是……不知道该怎么回应达米安的话。他不知该如何剖析这一切……但那些话在杰森胸口点燃了某种他只能形容为温暖而柔软的情绪。
Maybe fucking Dick was rubbing off on him, too.
也许该死的迪克也影响了他。
“I am
not
upset.” (He sounded upset)
“我没有生气。”（他听起来明明很生气）
Jason held his hands up in surrender, he cleared his throat and hestinately forced out what he knew was the right response. “Damian, you don’t have to watch anything you don’t want to, you've know that. You're the one who kind of established that. But uh...yeah, I’ll–... I’ll warn ya… when it comes.”
杰森举起双手作投降状，清了清嗓子，犹豫地挤出他认为正确的回应。"达米安，你不想看的东西可以不用看，你明明知道的。这规矩还是你定的呢。不过呃...好吧，我会...我会提前提醒你的...当那个场景出现的时候。"
Jason’s mouth dried. 杰森的嘴巴发干。
He had time. Not much of it– but he had time.
他还有时间。不多——但他确实有时间。
It was little Jason who did not know how little was really left.
是小杰森不知道剩下的时间真的所剩无几。