被嫌弃的松子：若能读到这本书，人生就不会结束在垃圾堆
The Disliked Matsuko: If You Can Read This Book, Life Won't End in the Trash Heap

原创 湛庐君 湛庐文化 Original by Zhanlu Jun, Zhanlu Culture

在豆瓣高达8.9分的电影《被嫌弃的松子的一生》中，女主角松子为爱奔忙的人生一定让很多人都十分感慨。
In the movie "Memories of Matsuko," which has a high rating of 8.9 on Douban, the life of the protagonist Matsuko, who tirelessly pursues love, must have deeply moved many people.

由于童年无法得到充足的爱，松子成年以后就把人生寄托在了谈恋爱这件事上，即使被诬陷、被打、被欺骗，她仍然不离开伤害她的男人们。松子的人生悲剧，其实就是将自我价值感完全投射于他人，陷入依赖共生的关系中无法自拔。
Due to the lack of sufficient love in her childhood, Matsuko placed her hopes for life on romantic relationships after becoming an adult. Even when she was framed, beaten, and deceived, she still did not leave the men who hurt her. Matsuko's life tragedy is essentially about projecting her sense of self-worth entirely onto others, becoming trapped in a dependent and symbiotic relationship from which she cannot extricate herself.

《被嫌弃的松子的一生》剧照 A still from "Memories of Matsuko"

“依赖共生”的概念，率先由百万家畅销书作家梅洛迪·贝蒂在《放手》一书中提出，之后这个问题逐渐进入心理学的研究领域。
The concept of "codependency" was first introduced by bestselling author Melody Beattie in her book "Codependent No More," and the issue gradually entered the field of psychological research thereafter.

所谓依赖共生，指的是依赖他人对自己的依赖。这类人通常没有自我，找不到自己存在的价值，需要在照顾他人的过程中感受自己的价值。
Codependency refers to relying on others' dependence on oneself. Such individuals usually lack a sense of self and cannot find their own value, needing to feel their worth through taking care of others.

就像电影里的松子，小时候取悦父亲以此获得关注与疼爱，长大后延续了这种行为模式，以维持与恋人的关系。
Just like Matsuko in the movie, she pleased her father in her childhood to gain attention and love, and continued this behavior pattern as she grew up to maintain relationships with her lovers.

《被嫌弃的松子的一生》剧照 Stills from "Memories of Matsuko"

特别在意别人的感受，经常会为了对方委屈自己； Especially sensitive to others' feelings, often wronging herself for the sake of others;

总是在为朋友的事情操心，并因为被人依赖而感到安心和满足；
Always worrying about friends' matters, feeling secure and satisfied because of being relied upon;

不懂得如何拒绝别人，别人都夸自己是个老好人或非常热心；
Doesn't know how to refuse others, and is often praised as a good-natured person or very enthusiastic.

曾经在亲密关系中受到伤害，并且很难再与他人建立亲密关系；
Once hurt in an intimate relationship, it is very difficult to establish intimate relationships with others again.

像松子一样把自我价值感的实现依赖于他人的人并不在少数，这类人往往很容易模糊自己与别人的界限，将他们的需求凌驾于自己的需求之上。
There are quite a few people who, like Matsuko, rely on others to realize their sense of self-worth. These people often easily blur the boundaries between themselves and others, placing others' needs above their own.

爱人、家人、朋友、同事……人人都周旋于各种复杂情感之中，如何更好地享受每一段关系，而不是被[依赖]所“奴役”呢？先从学会“为爱立界限”开始。
Lovers, family, friends, colleagues... Everyone navigates various complex emotions. How can we better enjoy each relationship rather than being "enslaved" by dependence? Start by learning to "set boundaries for love."

1.

依赖共生到底是什么？ What exactly is codependency?

《如何为爱立界限》中，作者梅洛迪·贝蒂提到了自己的经历：遇见一个男人不过几分钟，就确定他是自己真命天子；几个小时之后，就开始幻想婚礼的场面。这就像电视剧里发生的故事。但当她花了2年的时间终于建立起一段亲密关系，在接下来的5年中，却感觉束手束脚，只想挖条地道逃跑。
In "How to Set Boundaries for Love," the author Melody Beattie mentions her own experience: meeting a man for just a few minutes and determining he was her true love; a few hours later, she began fantasizing about the wedding scene. It was like a story from a TV drama. But after spending 2 years finally establishing an intimate relationship, she felt constrained over the next 5 years, only wanting to dig a tunnel and escape.

她始终在付出，直到自己精疲力竭，为了得到想要的东西，曾威逼利诱，也曾苦苦哀求；曾旁敲侧击，也曾想方设法掌控他人。贝蒂说：“我确信自己知道什么是对别人最好的，忙着教导他们，却忘记了自我成长。”
She kept giving until she was exhausted. To get what she wanted, she had used threats and inducements, and had also begged bitterly; she had hinted indirectly and had tried every means to control others. Betty said, "I was sure I knew what was best for others, busy teaching them, but forgot about my own growth."

很多人搞不清楚依赖共生是怎么回事。有些人会把它和精神错乱、边缘型人格障碍、强迫症等混为一谈。有些人认为自己没受到过伤害，家里也没有人酗酒，所以依赖共生就和自己无关。有些人则认为，有依赖共生的问题就意味着他们应该把一切都怪到父母或者孩子头上。
Many people don't understand what codependency is. Some people confuse it with mental disorders, borderline personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, etc. Some people think they haven't been hurt and that no one in their family is an alcoholic, so codependency has nothing to do with them. Some people think that having codependency issues means they should blame everything on their parents or children.

但想要过得更幸福，靠的不是相互指责，而是承担起自己的责任。
But to live a happier life, it's not about blaming each other, but about taking responsibility for yourself.

人们通常会根据行为来判断，比如： People usually judge based on behavior, for example:

◎依赖共生就是照顾他人； ◎ Codependency is taking care of others;

◎依赖共生就是嫁给了一个酒鬼； ◎Codependency is like being married to an alcoholic;

◎依赖共生就是紧紧抓着别人不肯放手； ◎Codependency is like holding on tightly to someone and refusing to let go;

◎依赖共生就是走进一个房间，立刻就会被房间里最病态的那个人吸引。
◎Codependency is like walking into a room and immediately being drawn to the most pathological person there.

虽然以上都是依赖共生的信号，但它们并不是依赖共生的全部。依赖共生的重点不在于做了什么，而在于为什么要这么做。
Although the above are all signals of codependency, they are not the entirety of it. The focus of codependency is not on what is done, but on why it is done.

《被嫌弃的松子的一生》剧照 Still from "Memories of Matsuko"

与依赖共生相关的行为都是在我们不知所措的时候，能够救我们于水火的行为。如担忧或掌控，是每个正常人都会有的反应。但如果这些行为永无休止，那就有麻烦了。
Behaviors related to codependency are those that can save us in times of distress. Actions like worrying or controlling are normal reactions for everyone. But if these behaviors are endless, then there is trouble.

梅洛迪·贝蒂将“依赖共生者”定义为“被另一个人的行为影响，且执迷于掌控那个人的行为的人”。
Melody Beattie defines a "codependent" as "a person who is affected by another person's behavior and is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."

如果你只知道掌控他人这一种方式，那么把掌控和爱混为一谈也是可以理解的。你会理所当然地认为掌控能带来安全，因为它确实能保证安全，当然，这种安全只是暂时的。
If you only know how to control others, it is understandable to confuse control with love. You naturally believe that control can bring safety because it indeed ensures safety, although this safety is only temporary.

依赖共生是正常行为的升级。很多时候，我们都会做得过火、担心过度，忘记了划分自己与他人责任的边界，又或者太过忙碌，忽视了关爱自己。
Codependency is an escalation of normal behavior. Many times, we overdo things, worry excessively, forget to delineate the boundaries of responsibility between ourselves and others, or become too busy to care for ourselves.

依赖共生者也许执拗地紧抓着身边人不放，看似他们是为别人解决需求的人，但反过来，他们也对身边人要求更多。他们设法取悦身边的人，直到被取悦的人再也无法承受。但往好的方面想，一旦解决了这些问题，依赖共生者就可以成为出色的人。
Codependents may stubbornly cling to those around them, appearing to meet others' needs, but in turn, they also demand more from those around them. They try to please those around them until the pleased person can no longer bear it. On the bright side, once these issues are resolved, codependents can become outstanding individuals.

研究表明，相比于在正常家庭中长大的人，在问题家庭中长大的人抗压能力明显更强，当周围的人轻易放弃时，他们仍会执着向前。对于经历过这么多问题的人来说，解决问题和承受压力这两种积极的依赖共生特征已经成了第二天性。
Research shows that compared to people who grow up in normal families, those who grow up in problematic families have significantly stronger stress resistance. When people around them give up easily, they persistently move forward. For those who have experienced so many problems, the positive symbiotic traits of problem-solving and enduring pressure have become second nature.

当我们开始关爱自我时，过去的那些缺陷就会转化为优势。很多曾存在依赖共生问题的人都忠贞不贰，富有献身精神，他们需要帮助，而一旦学会了帮助自己，他们就能说到做到。
When we start to care for ourselves, those past deficiencies can turn into advantages. Many people who once had codependency issues are loyal and dedicated. They need help, and once they learn to help themselves, they can follow through on their commitments.

2.

如何摆脱依赖共生，为爱立界限？ How to break free from codependency and set boundaries for love?

依赖共生表现为照管和掌控他人，这些行为成了一种生存手段，我们以为这样做就能保护自己。然而终有一天，这些行为会反过来伤害我们，亲密关系就此告吹，生活也脱离了常轨，而我们却一头雾水，根本不知道为什么会发生这一切。但这些行为已经成了习惯，少了它们，我们不知道该如何生存。
Codependency manifests as taking care of and controlling others, and these behaviors become a means of survival. We think that by doing so, we can protect ourselves. However, one day, these behaviors will backfire and hurt us. Intimate relationships will break down, life will go off track, and we will be confused, not knowing why all this is happening. But these behaviors have become habits, and without them, we don't know how to survive.

《被嫌弃的松子的一生》剧照 Still from "Memories of Matsuko"

想要摆脱依赖共生的心理习惯，保持健康的人际关系，你要从以下几个方面做起：
To break free from the psychological habit of codependency and maintain healthy relationships, you should start with the following aspects:

■ 不要觉得自己对每个人都负有责任，不要时时刻刻背负着罪恶感。
■ Do not feel responsible for everyone, and do not carry a constant sense of guilt.

依赖共生者总是很“乐于助人” ，但他们的所作所为其实并没有给别人带来真正的帮助。他们总是在牺牲自己，成为殉道者，认为关爱他人就是自己应该做的，他们觉得如果自己能够真正关爱身边的人，对方也会反过来回馈关爱。
Codependents are always very "helpful," but their actions do not actually bring real help to others. They are always sacrificing themselves, becoming martyrs, believing that caring for others is what they should do. They think that if they can truly care for the people around them, the other party will reciprocate.

但事与愿违，一旦你开启了这种模式，人们就会把这份关爱当作理所当然，比起照顾人，你更需要做的是及时止损。
But things often go contrary to their wishes. Once you start this pattern, people will take this care for granted. Instead of taking care of others, what you need more is to stop the loss in time.

■ 划定边界，勇于说“不”。 ■ Set boundaries and dare to say "no."

当有人求助于自己的时候，你要先判断这件事是否是你想做、能做的事，不要为了对方高兴而满口答应，做自己想做的事更重要。但如果你的性格就是乐于助人，那么就发自内心地为他人付出，提供真正有效的帮助。不要把自己摆在受害者的位置上，一边委曲求全、自我感动。
When someone asks for your help, you should first determine whether it is something you want to do and can do. Don't agree just to make the other person happy; doing what you want to do is more important. However, if your personality is naturally helpful, then genuinely offer your assistance and provide truly effective help. Don't put yourself in the position of a victim, feeling aggrieved and self-pitying.

■ 学会自我欣赏，摆脱低价值感。 ■ Learn to appreciate yourself and get rid of feelings of low self-worth.

欣赏自己做事的方式，明白完美主义是对自己的折磨。搞清楚自己喜欢什么，什么东西能够引发自己强烈的积极或消极的反应，这些反应可以解释你到底是什么样的人。
Appreciate your own way of doing things and understand that perfectionism is a form of self-torture. Figure out what you like and what triggers strong positive or negative reactions in you; these reactions can explain what kind of person you really are.

如果感觉自己想去做什么事，要尊重那种感觉。如果觉得有什么事不对劲，就不要去做。不欣赏自己，就没法划定边界，就不会知道自己喜欢什么，不喜欢什么，而这正是察觉自己边界的关键。
If you feel like doing something, respect that feeling. If something feels off, don't do it. If you don't appreciate yourself, you won't be able to set boundaries, and you won't know what you like or dislike. This is crucial for recognizing your own boundaries.

■ 妥善处理自己和他人的感受。 ■ Properly handle your own and others' feelings.

依赖共生者会过于重视别人而习惯压抑自己的感受，但这恰恰是对自己最严重的的伤害，会阻碍健康、创造力、平和与真正的力量。
Dependent symbionts tend to overly value others and habitually suppress their own feelings, but this is precisely the most severe harm to themselves. It hinders health, creativity, peace, and true strength.

你要做的，是把自由而恰当地表达自己作为一个目标写下来，在任何地方都试图做到这一点，不用担心别人会因此不喜欢你，这很正常，没有人能做到被所有人都喜欢。不要根据他人的看法来评判自己。
What you need to do is write down the goal of expressing yourself freely and appropriately, and try to achieve this everywhere. Don't worry about others disliking you for it; it's normal. No one can be liked by everyone. Do not judge yourself based on others' opinions.

真正理解关爱自己的意义。 Truly understand the meaning of caring for yourself.

End

新媒体编辑 | Eurus New Media Editor | Eurus

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原标题：《被嫌弃的松子：若能读到这本书，人生就不会结束在垃圾堆》
Original title: "The Disliked Matsuko: If You Can Read This Book, Life Won't End in the Trash Heap"

阅读原文 Read the original text

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