an impossible thing 一个不可能的事情

Chan remembers the exact look on Hyunjin’s face, the moment they first met. It’s one Hyunjin still gives him all the time, so it’s pretty hard to forget.
陈记得贤振第一次见面时的表情。那是贤振至今仍然经常给他看的表情，所以很难忘记。

***

A birthday party wasn’t exactly the most natural or casual place at which to first meet the other half of your new-family-in-progress. Chan figured the reasoning was that it was a mostly arbitrary but convenient time, plus Mr. Hwang was paying for it all and would take them all out to dinner afterwards, but honestly, he would rather be just about anywhere else than a cinema full of fourteen-year-olds. No disrespect to fourteen-year-olds under normal circumstances, but there was just something about seeing them in groups. It wasn’t that long ago that Chan himself had been fourteen, but it felt like a lifetime away.
一个生日派对并不是一个最自然或最随意的地方，可以在那里第一次见到你新家庭中另一半的人。陈觉得原因是这是一个大多数是任意的但方便的时间，再加上黄先生支付了一切并且之后会带他们去吃晚餐，但说实话，他宁愿在任何其他地方，而不是一个充满十四岁孩子的电影院。在正常情况下并不是对十四岁孩子不尊重，但是看到他们聚在一起总是有点奇怪。离他自己十四岁的年龄并不久远，但感觉却像是一辈子之前的事情。

By then, he’d been hearing for months about this guy his mum was dating. A wealthy widower. Chan had thought she was joking, at first, when she’d told him—how cliché can you get!—but she didn’t laugh and then he just felt guilty. Apparently, he was calm and kind and attentive. Chan tried not to hear a silent “unlike your dad” tacked onto the end of those kinds of pronouncements. The man had a son, “around your age,” and when Chan asked if his mum had met the kid yet, his mum smiled a little and said, “He’s really funny.” Funny ha-ha or funny peculiar, Chan wasn’t sure, and didn’t ask to clarify. She showed him a picture: some fancy European city in the background, and in the foreground, Mr. Hwang, tall, salt-and-pepper hair, expensive puffer coat, with his arm around a mushy-faced skinny kid whose eyes were scrunched against the midwinter sun. Chan’s mum didn’t have any pictures of the dead wife to show Chan. Chan wondered if it was weird for her, to be coming into a situation like that.  Maybe it was even weirder when the ex-spouse was still alive, just halfway across the world. Again, he didn’t ask.
那时，他已经听说他妈妈约会了几个月的这个男人。一个富有的鳏夫。Chan 一开始以为她在开玩笑，当她告诉他时，他觉得多么老套！但她没有笑，然后他就感到内疚。显然，他很冷静、善良和体贴。Chan 努力不去听到那些宣言结尾处无声的“不像你爸爸”。这个男人有一个儿子，“和你差不多大”，当 Chan 问他妈妈是否见过那个孩子时，他妈妈微笑着说：“他很有趣。” 是开心有趣还是古怪有趣，Chan 不确定，也没有问清楚。她给他看了一张照片：背景是一些花哨的欧洲城市，在前景是 Hwang 先生，高大，盐与胡椒色的头发，昂贵的羽绒服，他的手臂搂着一个脸蛋软软的瘦小孩，孩子的眼睛紧闭着抵挡着隆冬的阳光。Chan 的妈妈没有任何已故妻子的照片给 Chan 看。Chan 想知道对她来说，进入这样的情况是否奇怪。也许当前配偶仍然活着，只是在世界的另一端时，情况会更奇怪。再次，他没有问。

The courtship was going well. At Chan’s mum’s age, nobody really dated casually, so Chan wasn’t surprised when she told him that she wanted Chan to meet the Hwangs soon, to see “how we’ll all get along.” Well, Chan figured if he made Chan’s mum happy, he couldn’t be too bad. Maybe they’d get married and they could all live together in the Hwangs’ big house. Not that Chan would be living there too long, anyway, before it came time for him to jet off to college. But it would be nice for his mum.
追求进行得很顺利。在陈的妈妈这个年龄，没人真的随便约会，所以当她告诉陈她希望陈尽快见到黄家人时，陈并不感到意外，想看看“我们会相处得怎么样”。嗯，陈觉得如果能让陈的妈妈开心，他应该不会太差。也许他们会结婚，然后一起住在黄家的大房子里。反正在他去大学之前，他也不会在那里住太久。但对他的妈妈来说，那会很好。

The first meeting rolled around a bit sooner than Chan had expected, though, and when he heard the setting, he already began to worry. What was he even supposed to get a fourteen-year-old he’d never met before for his birthday? Chan’s mum said Chan didn’t have to get anything, she’d get something, but they ended up going to Target together anyway. Did the boy like reading? Video games? Sports? All Chan’s mum really knew about him was that he was “a little artsy.” Chan spotted a Polaroid camera, said, “That kind of artsy?”, and that’s what they got. Chan’s mum wrapped it, Chan signed his name on the card, it was easy.
第一次见面比陈预期的要早一点，当他听到地点时，他已经开始担心了。他甚至应该给一个他从未见过的十四岁孩子买什么生日礼物呢？陈的妈妈说陈不必买任何东西，她会买，但他们最终还是一起去了 Target。那个男孩喜欢阅读吗？电子游戏？体育？陈的妈妈真正知道的关于他的只有他“有点艺术气质”。陈看到了一台拍立得相机，说：“是那种艺术气质吗？”，然后他们就买下了。陈的妈妈包装好了，陈在卡片上签了自己的名字，很简单。

As they went together into the cinema (a few minutes late, due to traffic) and told the host that they were there for the private event and followed directions to hall 6, Chan could tell that his mum was even more nervous than he was, and was proud of himself for noticing. So he told her it would go great, and he was excited to meet them. She smiled and put her arm around his shoulders. Really, he was just thinking about his upcoming calculus midterm and whether or not Elise Park would text him back. If his mum liked this guy, did it really matter what Chan thought?
当他们一起进入电影院（因为交通拥堵而迟到了几分钟），告诉主持人他们是来参加私人活动的，并按照指示走向 6 号厅时，陈感觉到他的妈妈比他更紧张，他为自己注意到这一点感到自豪。于是他告诉她一切会很顺利，他很兴奋去见他们。她微笑着搂住他的肩膀。实际上，他只是在想着即将到来的微积分期中考试，以及 Elise Park 是否会回复他的短信。如果他妈妈喜欢这个人，那么陈的想法真的重要吗？

It was already dim in the cinema, but not dark. There was a table with buckets of popcorn and a large basin full of ice, where canned sodas bobbed. Chan had never seen a set-up like this before; was it expensive to rent an entire cinema? Teenagers were milling around, and the man Chan recognised to be Mr. Hwang jumped up to greet Chan and his mum. (He said hi to Chan first with a firm handshake, then gave Chan’s mum a kiss on the cheek. Probably he was trying to make a good impression by treating Chan like an adult, but Chan would have rather he’d acknowledged Chan’s mum first.) “Thank you so much for coming,” Mr. Hwang said with a slightly strained smile. Nervous? Stand-offish? He looked away immediately, though, searching for one teenager among many. “Hyunjin, they’re here, come say hi. Hyunjin? Come here, please.”
电影院里已经有些昏暗了，但并不黑暗。那里有一张桌子上摆着一桶爆米花和一个装满冰块的大盆，里面漂浮着装罐的汽水。陈以前从未见过这样的布置；租整个电影院会很贵吗？青少年们在四处走动，陈认出的那个人跳起来迎接陈和他妈妈。（他先向陈打招呼，握手有力，然后亲了陈妈妈的脸颊。也许他试图给陈留下好印象，把他当成成年人对待，但陈更希望他先和陈妈妈打招呼。）“非常感谢你们的到来，”黄先生微微带着紧张的微笑说道。紧张？疏远？他立刻转过头去，寻找众多青少年中的一个。“贤辰，他们来了，来打个招呼。贤辰？过来一下，拜访一下。”

Hyunjin was Chan’s height, which felt a little wrong, considering he was, what, two years younger? He slouched his way over to them. Chan had thought he didn’t particularly want to be there, but Hyunjin had him beat by a mile, so gloomy that Chan could practically see the cartoon stormcloud over his head. Hyunjin did acknowledge Chan’s mum before him, though. She gave him a hug, which Hyunjin visibly didn’t know what to do with, and then just Chan was left. Hyunjin looked at him and his doughy face wrinkled, like someone had pulled a string attached to the backside of his nose. Not necessarily a hostile expression, but one that made Chan feel like he had an entire salad in his teeth. Before he smiled and extended the gift, he ran his tongue over his gums, just to be safe.
Hyunjin 和 Chan 一样高，这让人感觉有点不对劲，考虑到他比 Chan 小两岁？他驼背走向他们。Chan 原本以为自己并不特别想在那里，但 Hyunjin 的情绪低落程度让他相形见绌，Chan 几乎能看到他头顶的卡通乌云。不过，Hyunjin 在他之前确实承认了 Chan 的妈妈。她给了他一个拥抱，Hyunjin 明显不知道该怎么办，然后只剩下了 Chan。Hyunjin 看着他，他的面部皱巴巴的，就像有人拉了一根系在鼻子后面的绳子。并不是敌意的表情，但让 Chan 感觉自己牙缝里塞了整颗沙拉。在微笑并伸出礼物之前，他舔了舔牙床，以确保没有问题。

“Happy birthday,” he said, parcel outstretched. “Nice to meet you, I’m Chris.”
“生日快乐，”他说着，伸出包裹。“很高兴见到你，我是 Chris。”

“Yeah, I know,” Hyunjin said in a voice that was neither high nor low. He took the box and seemed disappointed that it wasn’t heavy. His dad must have cleared his throat or given him a bit of a nudge, because Hyunjin then sighed and stuck on a “Thanks,” half-heartedly shaking the present.
“是的，我知道，”Hyunjin 用既不高也不低的声音说道。他接过盒子，似乎失望它不重。他的爸爸可能清了清嗓子或者稍微推了他一下，因为接着 Hyunjin 叹了口气，装出一副“谢谢”的样子，半心不在焉地摇晃着礼物。

“The movie’s going to start soon, why don’t you go settle in,” Mr. Hwang suggested.
“电影马上就要开始了，你为什么不去找个地方坐下呢，”黄先生建议道。

“Chan, maybe you can sit with Hyunjin,” added Chan’s mum.
“Chan，也许你可以和 Hyunjin 坐在一起，”Chan 的妈妈补充道。

“Yeah, Hyunjin, sit with your brother,” snickered one of Hyunjin’s little friends, peeking over the plush leather top of a seat.
“对啊，Hyunjin，和你哥哥坐在一起吧，”Hyunjin 的一个小朋友嬉笑着，从座位上豪华的皮革顶部偷看过来。

Jeez, if looks could kill. The snickering little friend was undeterred, but Hyunjin still looked like he wanted to die or destroy, so Chan took pity on him and said, “Yeah, I don’t mind, let’s go.”
天啊，如果眼神能杀人的话。那个咯咯笑的小伙伴毫不畏惧，但是贤振看起来仍然像是想死想毁灭，所以灿心生怜悯地说：“是啊，我不介意，我们走吧。”

Hyunjin put the wrapped gift on the table with the popcorn. Chan wanted to tell him to read the card, but it’s not like that would have helped; it was just a dumb Hallmark card. Chan’s mum and Mr. Hwang both looked so grateful that Chan knew he couldn’t back out now. So Chan stepped forward into the aisle between the rows of seats, and Hyunjin, dragging his feet, moved past to lead the way. This took them past the other attendees, one or two of whom looked very distantly familiar, like Chan had seen them across the cafeteria. Did that mean Hyunjin went to his school, too? He’d never seen him, though. Hyunjin gave no warning before turning to stride down one of the rows, and Chan, belatedly, followed. This was a nice cinema, recliner seats, and Hyunjin was already taking up three of them; Chan, hesitating to move Hyunjin’s jacket and bag of Fruit Roll-Ups, sat a seat away from him while Hyunjin flung himself into the central one of his three and stared dead ahead at the blank screen.
Hyunjin 把包好的礼物和爆米花放在桌子上。Chan 想告诉他去读卡片，但那也没什么用；那只是一张愚蠢的 Hallmark 卡片。Chan 的妈妈和黄先生看起来都很感激，Chan 知道他现在不能退缩。于是，Chan 走到座位之间的过道，Hyunjin 拖着脚，走在前面。他们经过其他参与者，其中一两个看起来很陌生，像是 Chan 在自助餐厅见过他们。这是否意味着 Hyunjin 也在他的学校？尽管他从未见过他。Hyunjin 在转身走向一排座位之前没有提前警告，Chan 随后才跟上。这是一个不错的电影院，有躺椅座位，而 Hyunjin 已经占据了其中三个；Chan 犹豫着要不要移开 Hyunjin 的夹克和一袋水果卷，最终坐在离他一座位的地方，而 Hyunjin 则扑向他三个座位中间的一个，盯着空白的屏幕。

Chan turned to look at it, too. A few seconds later, it lit up with a projection: Happy 14th Birthday Hyunjin., it said, and Hyunjin slid down so low he probably couldn’t even see it anymore.
陈也转过头去看。几秒钟后，屏幕亮起来，投影出一段文字：贤振，14 岁生日快乐。它说着，贤振滑落得很低，他可能已经看不见了。

Chan, again, took pity, imagining how it would have felt to have some random stranger at his birthday party. He didn’t want to be here, either, so he could relate, and he may as well be nice. “What movie are we watching?” he asked.
陈再次心生怜悯，想象着在自己生日派对上有个陌生人会是什么感觉。他也不想在这里，所以他能理解，并且不妨友善一点。“我们看什么电影？”他问道。

“Grand Budapest Hotel,” Hyunjin mumbled.
“布达佩斯大饭店，”贤真喃喃自语。

“Oh, cool!” Chan said. His mum surprised him by appearing out of nowhere to hand him a popcorn bucket, then vanishing again as soon as he’d thanked her. Chan ate a couple of pieces, then thought to offer some to the birthday boy, but Hyunjin had his own, on the opposite side of Chan. So instead Chan searched valiantly for the dropped threads of conversation, and continued, “I saw the trailer, I’ve been wanting to watch this.”
“哦，太酷了！”陈说道。他的妈妈突然冒出来递给他一桶爆米花，然后在他道谢后又神秘地消失了。陈吃了几颗爆米花，然后想着要不要给生日男孩也递一些，但贤真已经有自己的了，在陈的对面。所以陈英勇地寻找着之前的谈话线索，继续说道：“我看过预告片，一直想看这部电影。”

“I didn’t pick it,” Hyunjin said shortly.
“我没选的，”贤真板着脸说。

“Oh.” Then the lights dimmed in earnest; Chan, embarrassed, realised that he and his mum had probably held up the start of all this, if it really was running on a private schedule. If Hyunjin hadn’t picked the movie, had this party been his idea at all, then? Sitting silently with some friends, all separate, didn’t sound like a good time even to Chan. For his most recent birthday, his “sweet sixteen,” Chan had done a big night of board games at home, followed by pizza and his closest friends sleeping over. A little childish, a little boring, maybe, but so much fun. Was this really how Hyunjin wanted to spend his birthday?
“哦。”然后灯光真的变暗了；尴尬的陈意识到他和他妈妈可能拖延了一切的开始，如果这真的是按照私人时间表进行的话。如果贤真没有挑选电影，那这个派对到底是不是他的主意呢？坐在一旁和一些朋友一起静静地，对陈来说甚至不像是一种好时光。对于他最近的生日，他的“甜蜜十六岁”，陈在家里举办了一个大型的桌游之夜，然后是披萨和他最亲密的朋友过夜。也许有点孩子气，也许有点无聊，但是非常有趣。这真的是贤真想要度过他的生日的方式吗？

At least the movie was amazing. Behind and around them, Hyunjin’s friends giggled and whispered sometimes, and Chan just watched the screen, rapt. But Hyunjin was perfectly silent and still. Maybe he’d lied about not having picked it; this did seem like the kind of movie an “artsy” person would enjoy. Or maybe he was asleep. Chan snuck a glance. He wasn’t.
至少电影很棒。在他们身后和周围，贤真的朋友们有时咯咯笑，有时窃窃私语，而陈只是专心地看着屏幕。但是贤真一言不发，一动不动。也许他撒谎说他没选，这似乎是一个“艺术”人士会喜欢的电影类型。或者他可能在睡觉。陈偷偷瞥了一眼。他没有。

After the conclusion, they all piled into separate cars. On the drive to one of the only Korean restaurants in town, a barbeque place, Chan and his mum talked only about the movie. For some reason, when Chan’s mum had said they’d get dinner afterwards, Chan had thought it would just be them and the Hwangs, but the entire peanut gallery was there, too. Hyunjin sat at one head of the table, with his father at the other and Chan’s mum at his side. Chan was somewhere in the middle, surrounded by children. At least this seemed a bit more birthday-party-like. Hyunjin turned out to be pretty noisy, when not in a silent cinema. They all sang Happy Birthday to him and Chan checked his phone under the table—nothing from Elise.
结束后，他们都分别坐进不同的车里。在开往镇上唯一的一家韩国餐厅，一个烧烤店的路上，陈和他妈妈只谈论电影。由于某种原因，当陈的妈妈说他们之后会吃晚餐时，陈以为只有他们和黄家人，但整个花生席也在那里。贤辰坐在桌子的一头，他的父亲坐在另一头，陈的妈妈坐在他身边。陈在中间某处，被孩子们围绕着。至少这看起来有点像生日派对。贤辰原来在不是在安静的电影院时是相当吵闹的。他们一起给他唱生日快乐歌，陈在桌子下查看手机——没有来自伊莉丝的消息。

It was a school night, so the festivities wrapped up fairly early. Evidently Hyunjin was the type who wanted to celebrate his birthday specifically on his birthday, or maybe Chan was reading too far into it. As they all headed to the exit, Chan’s mum fished the car keys out of her bag and extended them to Chan, smiling. Chan felt his chest puff up with pride, and he took the keys, gripped tight in his slightly sweaty palm. Mr. Hwang and Hyunjin were walking with them, and Hyunjin was back to being silent. Mr. Hwang unlocked their car (a sleek BMW) from afar and sent Hyunjin along, telling him he’d be right there, too. Chan politely waved and said good night, happy birthday again, but Hyunjin didn’t really respond beyond an awkward half-shrug of his shoulders.
这是个上学日，所以庆祝活动相当早就结束了。显然，贤振是那种想要在自己生日当天特别庆祝生日的人，或者说是陈读得太多了。当他们都朝出口走去时，陈的妈妈从包里掏出车钥匙递给了陈，微笑着。陈感到胸膛鼓胀，接过钥匙，紧紧握在微微出汗的手掌中。黄先生和贤振与他们一起走着，贤振又变得沉默起来。黄先生从远处解锁了他们的车（一辆时尚的宝马），让贤振先走，告诉他自己也会很快赶到。陈礼貌地挥手道晚安，再次祝贺生日快乐，但贤振除了尴尬地耸耸肩膀并没有真正回应。

What a weird kid. Maybe he was just shy and would open up as their parents kept dating, and, eventually, got married. Chan always did want a sibling. When his mum and dad had told him they were getting a divorce, he’d spared a thought for that sibling he’d always wanted. Good thing he never got one; he was the only one who had to deal with it. (Shame he never got one—he was the only one who could deal with it.) He watched as Hyunjin sulked across the parking lot and into the passenger seat of the BMW. Mr. Hwang shook Chan’s hand again and gravely said how nice it was to meet him, and then there was a silence that went on a little too long. Chan sensed he wasn’t wanted and told his mum he’d go start the car.
这个孩子真奇怪。也许他只是害羞，随着父母继续约会，最终结婚，他会变得开朗起来。Chan 一直想要一个兄弟姐妹。当他的爸爸妈妈告诉他他们要离婚时，他曾为他一直想要的那个兄弟姐妹默默祈祷。幸好他从未得到一个；他是唯一一个必须面对这一切的人。（遗憾的是他从未得到一个——他是唯一一个能够应对的人。）他看着贤振郁郁寡欢地走过停车场，坐进了宝马的副驾驶座。黄先生再次握了握 Chan 的手，郑重地说很高兴见到他，然后沉默了一会儿。Chan 感觉到自己不受欢迎，便告诉他妈妈他要去启动车子。

As he got in, he heard Mr. Hwang say to Chan’s mum, “I’m sorry about him, you know he’s not always like that,” and Chan’s mum responded with kind reassurances that she didn’t mind at all. It was the kind of eavesdropping that made Chan a little uncomfortable, so he started the car and adjusted the seat how he liked it. Chan’s mum and Mr. Hwang didn’t kiss goodbye, presumably both conscious of their children in their respective cars who might get grossed out by such a thing, just hugged, and Mr. Hwang squeezed Chan’s mum’s arm before they split up. Chan looked at the BMW, and Hyunjin in the front seat. He’d leaned it back and had his earbuds in, staring blankly at the screen of his iPod Touch. But as Chan looked at him, it was like he had a sixth sense for being stared at, because his eyes slid over and met Chan’s. Then Mr. Hwang’s silhouette blocked him, and Chan’s mum got in by Chan’s side, and Chan drove them home, telling her, “He seems really nice. I’m really happy for you.”
当他上车时，他听到黄先生对陈妈妈说：“对不起，你知道他并不总是那样的。” 陈妈妈以友善的安慰回应说她一点也不介意。这种偷听让陈有点不舒服，所以他启动了车子，调整了座椅到自己喜欢的位置。陈的妈妈和黄先生没有亲吻告别，显然都意识到各自车里的孩子可能会对这种事感到恶心，他们只是拥抱了一下，然后黄先生握了一下陈妈妈的胳膊，然后分开了。陈看着宝马车，还有前座的贤真。他把座椅往后倾斜，戴着耳塞，茫然地盯着 iPod Touch 的屏幕。但当陈看着他时，就像他有第六感被盯着一样，因为他的眼睛滑过来，与陈的眼睛相遇。然后黄先生的轮廓挡住了他，陈的妈妈坐在陈的身边，陈把他们开回家，告诉她：“他看起来很友善。我为你感到高兴。”

“Hyunjin goes to your school,” Chan’s mum said. She was holding her purse in her lap very tightly instead of grabbing for the oh-shit handle, which Chan appreciated, and tried to drive even more carefully than usual. “He’s a freshman. Would you say hi, if you see him?”

Chan hadn’t ever seen him before, but he also never particularly paid much attention to the underclassmen. “From me, or from you?” he said with a cheeky smile.

It made his mum smile, too, shaking her head. “Whoever you want.”

“Okay, I will.” For her sake, Chan added, though he didn’t know if he meant it, “He seems nice, too.”
“好的，我会的。”为了她，Chan 补充道，尽管他不确定自己是否是认真的，“他似乎也很友好。”

And it made her so happy that Chan knew he’d done the right thing. He could keep doing that, then. The right thing.
这让她感到如此幸福，Chan 知道自己做了正确的事情。那么他可以继续这样做。做正确的事情。

***

By the time Elise Park and Chan had amicably decided to go their separate ways so they could both focus on SAT prep, Chan had seen the Hwangs only a handful of times. They both came to Chan’s varsity match, which Chan wished he’d known before he looked the wrong way and let the opposing team’s striker past his (usually very good) defences to score against Chan’s team. Now that Chan knew Hyunjin’s face, he could look for him during passing periods, and he actually saw him sometimes, always surrounded by a gaggle. In such a case, Chan would smile and wave, but Hyunjin only reacted one time out of every five, usually just to huff or hunch his shoulders as he turned away.
当 Elise Park 和 Chan 友好地决定各自专注于 SAT 准备时，Chan 只见过 Hwangs 几次。他们都来看 Chan 的校队比赛，这让 Chan 希望自己早点知道，这样他就不会朝错误的方向看，让对方球队的前锋突破他（通常很出色的）防守得分。现在 Chan 认识了 Hyunjin 的面孔，他可以在课间休息时找他，有时他真的看到了他，总是被一群人包围。在这种情况下，Chan 会微笑并挥手，但 Hyunjin 只有五次中的一次会有反应，通常只是哼哼或耸耸肩膀然后转身离开。

The most they’d spoken was the one painfully awkward time Mr. Hwang had had a work emergency and had asked Chan’s mum to pick Hyunjin up from school. Hyunjin, piled into the back seat of Chan’s mum’s Prius, started to tell Chan’s mum his address, which—mortifyingly—she already knew, but she cut him off to say he was more than welcome to join them for dinner. She took Hyunjin’s stunned silence as a yes, and what followed was one of the most excruciating hours of Chan’s life (so far). Again, Chan found himself sympathising with Hyunjin: the kid had probably been looking forward to having a few hours to himself, unsupervised, alone, but instead, he had to sit in one of the creaky chairs at Chan’s kitchen table while Chan’s mum reheated leftover Chinese for the three of them, playing a playlist of weird ’80s hits, asking all kinds of inane questions about Chan and Hyunjin’s days. Still, she got more than one sentence out of Hyunjin. Yes, rehearsals for the school musical were going fine, he’d done theatre in middle school. No, he didn’t usually eat the cafeteria lunches, he packed his own in the mornings. When Chan’s mum asked if Hyunjin had a girlfriend, he went a very blotchy shade of red and, for some reason, made eye contact with Chan. Asking for rescue? Chan could totally do that—he was great at protecting his friends from his mum’s dorkiness (or at joining in, when the occasion called for it). So Chan cut in to complain about his mum bringing up girlfriends when his own wounds were so recent. But after that, back into his shell Hyunjin went, and everyone seemed equally relieved when the BMW crunched up the driveway to whisk Hyunjin away a little while later.
他们之间交流最多的一次是黄老师因工作紧急请陈妈妈接走贤真的那次尴尬经历。贤真挤进陈妈妈的普锐斯后座，开始告诉陈妈妈他的地址，然而——令人尴尬的是——她早已知道，但她打断他说他完全可以加入他们一起吃晚餐。她把贤真惊讶的沉默当作了一个肯定的答复，接下来的一个小时成为陈迄今为止生活中最痛苦的时刻之一。再次，陈发现自己对贤真感同身受：这孩子可能一直期待着有几个小时独自待着，无人监督，独处，但却不得不坐在陈家厨房的一个摇摇欲坠的椅子上，陈妈妈为他们三人重新加热剩下的中餐，播放着一连串怪异的 80 年代流行曲，问了各种愚蠢的问题关于陈和贤真的一天。尽管如此，她还是从贤真那里得到了不止一句话。是的，学校音乐剧的排练进行得很顺利，他在初中参加过戏剧表演。不，他通常不吃学校餐厅的午餐，他早上自己带便当。 当陈的妈妈问 Hyunjin 有没有女朋友时，他脸上泛起一抹绯红，莫名其妙地与陈对视。是在求救吗？陈完全可以做到这一点——他擅长保护朋友免受他妈妈的愚蠢（或者在必要时加入其中）。于是，陈插话抱怨他妈妈在他自己伤口尚未愈合时提起女朋友的事情。但之后，Hyunjin 又退回了自己的壳，当宝马车一会儿后驶上车道，将 Hyunjin 带走时，每个人似乎都松了口气。

Hyunjin’s part in the school musical, Grease, was small. Chan and his mum went to see it anyway, and Chan almost didn’t recognise Hyunjin in his costume onstage at first. He was pretty good in the group scenes, though, and Chan didn’t know much about musicals, but he enjoyed the show. The guy playing Danny was in Chan’s calculus class. When Chan tried to tell Hyunjin he’d done a good job as they all stood in the lobby of the school theatre, Hyunjin was too distracted—or something—to really notice. Chan’s mum said they should all celebrate Hyunjin’s star turn and Hyunjin, looking suddenly very childlike beneath his slicked-back greaser hair and thick stage makeup, said, “Um, I have the cast party tonight, though.” The guy playing Danny passed by to grab Hyunjin’s shoulder and give him a little shake, which moved Hyunjin’s scrawny frame a concerning amount, and when Chan said, “Hey, great job,” he turned and looked directly at Chan and said, “Oh, you came? Thanks, man!”
Hyunjin 在学校音乐剧《Grease》中的角色很小。Chan 和他妈妈还是去看了，一开始 Chan 几乎没认出 Hyunjin 在舞台上穿着戏服的样子。尽管他在群戏中表现得相当不错，Chan 对音乐剧了解不多，但他还是很享受这场演出。饰演 Danny 的那个家伙是 Chan 微积分课上的同学。当 Chan 试图告诉 Hyunjin 他表现得很好时，他们都站在学校剧院的大厅里，但 Hyunjin 似乎太分心了，或者说其他什么，没能真正注意到。Chan 的妈妈说他们应该庆祝一下 Hyunjin 的出色表现，而 Hyunjin 突然看起来像个孩子，他那被梳得很光滑的发型和浓重的舞台妆让他显得很天真，说：“嗯，不过我今晚有演员聚会。”饰演 Danny 的那个家伙走过来拍了拍 Hyunjin 的肩膀，让他的瘦弱身躯晃动了一下，让人有些担心，当 Chan 说：“嘿，表现得很棒”，他转过头直视 Chan 说：“哦，你来了？谢谢，伙计！”

Chan didn’t know Alex really knew who he was, but evidently so. He looked better in his greaser costume than Hyunjin did, and Chan felt a little like he knew a celebrity. “Yeah,” he replied. “Supporting Hyunjin.”
Chan 并不确定 Alex 真的认识他，但显然是这样。他穿着戏服比 Hyunjin 看起来更好，Chan 有点觉得自己认识一个名人。“是的，”他回答。“支持 Hyunjin。”

Alex’s eyes flickered around: Chan, to Hyunjin, to Hyunjin’s dad, to Chan’s mum. “Ohhh,” he said. Then, again to Hyunjin, “We’re about to go to Denny’s, you still coming?”
Alex 的目光在陈、在贤真、在贤真的爸爸、在陈的妈妈之间闪烁。“哦哦，”他说。然后，再次对着贤真，“我们马上要去丹尼斯了，你还来吗？”

“Obviously,” Hyunjin said, and departed with Alex expeditiously.
“当然，”贤真说着，迅速地和 Alex 离开了。

The three remaining watched them go, and Mr. Hwang sighed apologetically. After telling Chan and his mum multiple times how much it meant that they’d come to see the show, he took them out to dinner. The vibe was very different without Hyunjin there—Chan actually felt like a peer rather than a babysitter. Mr. Hwang asked Chan businesslike, incisive questions about his interests, what he might want to do with his life, and somehow, the conversation ended up very grown-up indeed: Mr. Hwang himself brought up his wife who had passed away, and though Chan glanced quickly at his mum to make sure she was alright with this topic, she looked as though this was all familiar information to her, so Chan carefully asked whatever few questions felt permissible, polite. Hyunjin had never really known her, Mr. Hwang said. She’d died when he was very young. “Maybe that’s why,” Mr. Hwang theorised, “Hyunjin ended up a little—what’s the word…”
剩下的三人看着他们离开，黄先生歉意地叹了口气。在多次告诉陈和他妈妈他们来看演出有多重要之后，他请他们一起去吃晚餐。没有贤真在的氛围变得截然不同——陈实际上感觉自己更像是同龄人而不是保姆。黄先生用商业化、深刻的问题询问陈关于他的兴趣，他未来可能想做的事情，不知怎的，谈话最终变得非常成熟：黄先生提到了已故的妻子，虽然陈迅速瞥了一眼他妈妈以确保她对这个话题没问题，但她看起来似乎对这些信息并不陌生，所以陈小心翼翼地问了几个礼貌的问题。贤真从未真正了解过她，黄先生说。她在他很小的时候就去世了。“也许这就是为什么，”黄先生推测道，“贤真最终变得有点—什么词来着…”

“Wild?” Chan’s mum suggested with a fond smile.
“野性？”陈的妈妈带着亲切的微笑建议道。

“I was going to say spoiled. You’re too kind.” Mr. Hwang laughed, then shook his head. “Wild is fine. The point is, I haven’t always been there for him. It was just—hard, you know? To do it alone, parent alone, when I’d expected not to be alone.”
“我本来想说被宠坏了。你太好了。”黄先生笑了笑，然后摇了摇头。“野性也可以。重点是，我并不总是在那里陪他。只是——很难，你知道吗？一个人独自养育，当我原本以为不会孤单。”

“Well,” said Chan’s mum, and covered Mr. Hwang’s hand with her own on the tabletop. She didn’t say anything else; she didn’t need to.
“嗯，”陈的妈妈说道，用自己的手覆盖在黄先生的手上桌面上。她没有再说什么；也不需要。

Chan suddenly violently wished Hyunjin were there after all—then this conversation wouldn’t be happening. But soon they were talking about footie instead, and it was nice to see his mum so comfortable. It was nice, too, that Mr. Hwang was nice, if somewhat stiff. Chan didn’t know if Mr. Hwang would be his stepdad, or just “my mum’s husband,” or what, but either way, he didn’t mind. After multiple life-upending moves and parental reshufflings, there was little Chan would have minded. He was already thinking of what he’d need to pack up first, for when they moved. What he’d get rid of, what he’d keep.
陈突然非常希望贤振还在这里——那么这场对话就不会发生了。但很快他们开始谈论足球，看到妈妈如此舒适让他感到很愉快。而且黄先生也很友善，虽然有点拘谨。陈不知道黄先生会不会成为他的继父，还是只是“我妈的丈夫”，但无论如何，他都不介意。经历了多次颠覆生活的搬家和父母的重新分配后，陈几乎什么都不在乎。他已经在考虑他需要先打包什么，等他们搬家时。他会扔掉什么，留下什么。

***

It came as no surprise. The school year was about to end. The Hwangs’ house was as nice as Chan had been picturing; maybe even nicer. Chan and Hyunjin were on far sides of the same long sofa, with Chan’s mum and Mr. Hwang on the sofa opposite them. (Who needed multiple sofas in the same room?) It was almost textbook-perfect. Well, Christopher, you know how much I love and respect your mother, and we’re just so lucky to have found each other, and Hyunjin, sweetie, it’s been so wonderful getting to know you, and—this practically in breathless unison—how would you boys feel if we all lived together?
这一点并不令人意外。学年即将结束。黄家的房子和陈想象的一样漂亮；甚至更漂亮。陈和贤辰坐在同一条长沙发的两端，陈的妈妈和黄先生坐在他们对面的沙发上。（谁需要同一房间里的多条沙发呢？）这几乎是教科书般完美。克里斯托弗，你知道我有多么爱戴和尊敬你的母亲，我们真的很幸运能够相遇，而且贤辰，亲爱的，认识你真是太美妙了，还有——几乎是齐声地——如果我们都住在一起，你们两个会怎么想呢？

Were they supposed to answer? It wasn’t really up to them, was it? Chan glanced at Hyunjin, who’d gone rigid—maybe it came as a surprise to him, then. Seized for a moment by neither protectiveness nor pride, Chan sought to set a good example and nodded, looking at his mum and Mr. Hwang. “Of course,” he said. “No, I’m really happy for you guys.”
他们应该回答吗？这并不完全取决于他们，对吧？陈瞥了一眼贤辰，他变得僵硬了——也许对他来说是个意外。在某个瞬间，陈既没有被保护欲驱使，也没有被骄傲所左右，他试图树立一个好榜样，点了点头，看着他的妈妈和黄先生。“当然，”他说。“不，我真的为你们感到高兴。”

“And if we… got married?” Chan’s mum hedged—in for a penny, etc.
“如果我们...结婚呢？”陈的妈妈含糊地说，既然已经说到这个地步了。

“You proposed?” Hyunjin, speaking up for the first time, speaking only to his father.
“你求婚了？”首次开口的 Hyunjin，只对他的父亲说。

“Not yet,” Mr. Hwang answered, mitigating, tone stern but not cold. Chan’s mum, by his side, badly concealed a smile. “But that’s the eventual plan, yes. How would you feel about that?”
“还没有，”黄先生回答道，缓和地说，语气严厉但不冷。站在他身边的 Chan 的妈妈，勉强掩饰着微笑。“但那是最终的计划，是的。你对此感觉如何？”

They must have looked up scripts together; they kept saying the exact same things, over and over. Chan started to say, mimicking them in repetition, “I’m really happy for—”, but Hyunjin got there first with something very different: “I don’t care.”
他们一定一起查阅了剧本；他们一遍又一遍地说着完全相同的话。Chan 开始重复地说，“我真的为—”但 Hyunjin 却率先说出了完全不同的话：“我不在乎。”

Needlessly cutting, Chan felt. Not very mature. He could see the impact it had on his mum, and on Mr. Hwang. “Not much will change,” Chan’s mum said gently, concealing hurt. “We already see each other quite a bit, don’t we?”
陈觉得自己在无谓地切割。这样做并不够成熟。他能看出这对他妈妈和黄先生的影响。“不会有太大改变的，”陈的妈妈温和地说着，掩饰着受伤。“我们已经经常见面了，不是吗？”

“I guess,” Hyunjin said. He was even more sullen than usual today, which was nearly impressive. Hood up, curled in a slouchy ball on the other end of the sofa. His right cheek was breaking out. “When?”
“我猜是吧，”贤真说。他今天比往常更加郁闷，这几乎令人印象深刻。头戴兜帽，蜷缩在沙发的另一端。他的右脸颊起了痘。“什么时候？”

Mr. Hwang and Chan’s mum looked at each other. “We were thinking… when our lease is up,” Chan’s mum said, and Chan momentarily struggled to understand which “we” meant whom, until he figured it out, “in November. As for the wedding, I don’t know, we haven’t really spoken about an exact time. Late spring, maybe, next year.”
黄先生和陈的妈妈互相看了一眼。“我们在想……等我们的租约到期时，”陈的妈妈说道，陈一时难以理解“我们”指的是谁，直到他明白了，“在十一月。至于婚礼，我不知道，我们还没有讨论具体的时间。也许是明年晚春。”

Chan was already thinking about how this would line up with his school schedule, college tours, college applications. Hyunjin unfolded himself from his sulky curl and stood. “Fine,” he said, terse. “I’m going to go enjoy my last few months of freedom.”
陈已经在考虑这将如何与他的学校时间表、大学参观和大学申请相吻合。Hyunjin 从他郁闷的卷缩中展开身体站了起来。“好吧，”他说得板板的。“我要去享受我最后几个月的自由了。”

“Hyunjin,” said Mr. Hwang, frowning, but Chan’s mum put her hand on his arm, holding him back from stopping Hyunjin. Chan heard him stomp up the stairs, a door open then slam on the second floor. Maybe if Chan and Hyunjin had both been younger, if all of this had happened years before, the timeline would be longer, the parents would be being more careful with them. As it was, though, Hyunjin was dismissed as melodramatic, and Chan, though he’d been far too polite to agree with Hyunjin aloud, didn’t really care, either. And he didn’t want another awkward Hyunjinless conversation, and he had an essay to write, so he equally politely excused himself to Mr. Hwang’s home office to work on it. So weird, to want to cry but also not really care. He wondered if Hyunjin was crying, but he didn’t really care about that, either.
“Hyunjin，”黄先生说着皱着眉头，但是陈的妈妈伸手按住了他的胳膊，阻止他阻止 Hyunjin。陈听见他重重地跺着脚上了楼梯，二楼传来一阵门打开然后砰的一声关上的声音。也许如果陈和 Hyunjin 都更年幼一些，如果所有这一切发生在多年前，时间线会更长，父母会对他们更加小心。然而，事实上，Hyunjin 被视为多愁善感，而陈虽然对 Hyunjin 的话过于客气而不敢当面赞同，但他也并不在乎。他不想再经历尴尬的没有 Hyunjin 的对话，而且他还有一篇文章要写，所以他同样客气地向黄先生的家庭办公室请辞去写作。想要哭却又不在乎，这种感觉真奇怪。他想知道 Hyunjin 是否在哭，但他对此也并不在乎。

***

The plane tickets had been booked months ago, otherwise Chan would maybe have thought twice about leaving the country when his family was clearly in such a formative period. But it wasn’t like he was jealous about the attention he might or might not receive after the merger (as he’d begun thinking of it). He wasn’t Hyunjin, after all.
飞机票是几个月前订的，否则陈可能会再三考虑在家人显然正处于如此关键时期时离开国家。但他并不嫉妒可能在合并后（他开始这样想）会得到的关注。毕竟，他不是贤真。

***

Chan got back from Australia two days before the start of his senior year of high school, his virginity lost, ready to get into his dream college. Mind, he didn’t know what his dream college was yet; he was having trouble choosing. So he applied everywhere and hoped for a dream to crystallise.
陈在澳大利亚待了两天，就在高中最后一年开始前回来了，他失去了处男之身，准备进入他梦想的大学。不过，他还不知道他的梦想大学是哪所；他很难做出选择。所以他到处申请，希望梦想能够清晰起来。

Mr. Hwang had popped the question to Chan’s mum in mid-August; they’d FaceTimed Chan immediately to tell him the news. The ring was indecently huge for a woman of her age, he thought. Otherwise, he remained pleasantly unaffected by the proceedings. Despite spending most evenings at the Hwangs’ and, obviously, every day at school, he hardly saw Hyunjin, but not because Hyunjin was avoiding him (probably), because Chan was busy. College apps, footie practice, “study nights” with his friends that sometimes ended in confusing games of gay chicken that Chan wasn’t sure if he was really supposed to find funny, because he didn’t find them funny, he just liked them. His mum let him bleach his hair blond, and said maybe for his birthday he could get his ears pierced. Everything was terrifying, but exciting. Chan was eager to get out of there. He wasn’t looking forward to the move; it would be such a pain. Not to mention that, only a few months after he moved into the Hwangs’ place, he’d have to pack up again to move into his dorm. Maybe he wouldn’t unpack at all, then. Maybe then none of it would be real.
黄先生在八月中旬向陈的妈妈求婚；他们立刻通过 FaceTime 告诉陈这个消息。他觉得戒指对于她这个年龄的女人来说太过巨大了。除此之外，他对整个过程保持着愉快的淡定。尽管大部分晚上都在黄家度过，而且显然每天都在学校，他几乎没见到 Hyunjin，但并不是因为 Hyunjin 在躲避他（可能是这样），而是因为陈很忙。申请大学、足球训练、与朋友们的“学习之夜”，有时会演变成令陈感到困惑的同性恋游戏，陈不确定自己是否真的应该觉得好笑，因为他并不觉得好笑，他只是喜欢这些。他的妈妈让他把头发漂成金黄色，并说也许可以在他生日的时候给他耳洞。一切都令人恐惧，但又令人兴奋。陈渴望离开那里。他并不期待搬家；那将会很麻烦。更不用说，仅仅几个月后他搬进黄家，他就得再次收拾行李搬进宿舍。也许他干脆就不解包，那样也许一切都不会是真的。

***

They moved a month earlier than expected. Chan’s room was bigger and he had an en-suite bathroom, which was nice. He did end up unpacking. Hyunjin didn’t help with anything; he locked himself in his own room (which had a hilarious DO NOT ENTER sign on the door—or, rather, it would have been hilarious if Hyunjin could tolerate good-natured ribbing at all, but as it was, he’d just glower and say “it’s not a joke” at the slightest hint of mirth in his direction) and only slunk out when the movers had left, but even then only to slip a slice of celebratory pizza for himself, then retreat to his cave.
他们比预期提前了一个月搬家了。Chan 的房间更大，还有一间带卫生间的套间，很不错。他最终还是打开了行李。Hyunjin 没有帮忙任何事情；他把自己关在自己的房间里（门上贴着一个滑稽的“请勿入内”牌子——或者说，如果 Hyunjin 能容忍一点玩笑的话，这会很滑稽，但事实上，只要有一丝欢乐的迹象指向他，他就会板着脸说“这不是笑话”），只有在搬家工人离开后才悄悄溜出来，但即便如此，也只是为了给自己拿一块庆祝用的比萨片，然后退回自己的洞穴。

Chan’s first night in the new house, he couldn’t sleep. There were so many new sounds to get used to: the heater didn’t rattle, but there was still a faint electric hum from somewhere, and the occasional scrape of tree branches against the window, a ticking clock, far away. He closed his eyes and counted the months he’d live in this house. And he was asleep by the time he made it to July.
Chan 在新房子的第一个晚上，睡不着。有太多新的声音需要适应：暖气不会发出嘎嘎声，但仍然有微弱的电子嗡鸣声从某个地方传来，偶尔有树枝在窗户上刮擦的声音，一个滴答作响的时钟声，远处传来的声音。他闭上眼睛，数着他将在这所房子里住的月份。当他数到七月时，他已经入睡了。

***

For his birthday, he got his ears pierced, and his mum’s car, because Mr. Hwang was buying her a new one.
为了庆祝生日，他打了耳洞，还有他妈妈的车，因为黄先生要给她买一辆新车。

“That’s a shitty gift,” Hyunjin said, when he heard.
“这是个糟糕的礼物，”贤真说道。

And what did you get me?, Chan thought but didn’t say. Even though now Chan could drive them both to school in the morning, Hyunjin preferred to ride with his friends, who pulled up out front in a flashy red convertible every day, tailgating Chan’s station wagon the entire span of the drive to school.
陈心想，你送我什么了？但他没有说出口。尽管现在陈可以开车送他们俩上学，贤真还是更喜欢和他的朋友一起坐，每天早上他们开着一辆醒目的红色敞篷车停在门口，整个上学路程都贴在陈的旅行车后面。

***

He decided what his dream college was a week before he found out he got in. And his mum and Mr. Hwang set a date: June 15th, right after the start of summer. Or before, depending on your definition of summer.
他在梦想的大学之前一周才确定，然后才发现自己被录取了。他的妈妈和黄先生定了个日期：6 月 15 日，就在暑假开始之后。或者说，在暑假开始之前，这取决于你对暑假的定义。

***

The term, apparently, and according to Chan’s AP Sociology class, was “blended family,” but it felt to Chan about as blended as a bento box. His mum tried hard to keep everyone together, but Mr. Hwang worked a lot, and Hyunjin alternated between extremely antisocial and extremely abrasive. Either he was completely absent—where did he go?—or too present, sitting on a barstool at the counter separating the open-concept kitchen from the living room and sneering at Chan’s footie uniform, asking occasional invasive and blunt questions. He got his feelings hurt very easily—Chan had gotten used to the sound of his bedroom door slamming. Anything, seemingly, could set him off. He had been growing his hair out, but one day after school, Chan saw him with it shorn again, a little rough around the edges like he’d done it himself, or handed one of his friends the scissors. He was mostly in rehearsals for Little Shop of Horrors and he was failing chemistry. He was allowed to eat dinner in his room rather than at the table with everyone else; Chan assumed this was because their parents had grown sick of trying to negotiate with him about phone usage at the table, or simply didn’t want to look at his scowl more than they had to. Still, Chan said hi whenever he happened to see him in the halls at school. Hyunjin never said hi back.
据陈的 AP 社会学课程称，这个术语显然是“混合家庭”，但对陈来说，这种家庭感觉就像便当盒一样混合。他妈妈努力让每个人团结在一起，但黄先生工作很忙，而贤真则时而极度不合群，时而极度刻薄。他要么完全消失了——他去哪了？——要么太过于存在，坐在连接开放式厨房和客厅的吧台上，嘲笑着陈的足球队服，偶尔问一些侵入性和直率的问题。他很容易受伤害——陈已经习惯了卧室门砰地一声关上的声音。似乎任何事情都可能触发他。他一直在留长发，但有一天放学后，陈看到他又把头发剪短了，有点粗糙，就像他自己剪的，或者把剪刀递给了他的一个朋友。他大部分时间都在排练《食人花小店》，化学课却不及格。 他被允许在自己的房间吃晚餐，而不是和其他人一起在餐桌上吃饭；Chan 认为这是因为他们的父母已经厌倦了试图与他在餐桌上谈论手机使用的协商，或者只是不想看到他的怒容比他们必须看到的更多。尽管如此，Chan 每当在学校的走廊里碰巧看到他时都会打招呼。Hyunjin 从不回应打招呼。

One Saturday morning, when Chan’s mum had been doing laundry and therefore out of earshot, Hyunjin had literally asked, “Who do you like more, my dad or your dad?”
一个星期六的早晨，当 Chan 的妈妈在洗衣服，因此听不到的时候，Hyunjin 实际上问道：“你更喜欢谁，我爸爸还是你爸爸？”

Chan imagined the scandal that would ensue if he asked the same of Hyunjin, but for mums. He even seriously considered doing it. Hyunjin had been very annoying that week. Instead, diplomatically, and again trying to be mature, he said, “Apples and oranges.”
Chan 想象如果他问 Hyunjin 同样的问题，但是换成是关于妈妈，会引发什么样的丑闻。他甚至认真考虑过这样做。那周 Hyunjin 非常烦人。相反，外交地，再次试图变得成熟，他说：“不可比较。”

Hyunjin huffed and went back to staring into his phone. And that was the most they talked all weekend.
Hyunjin 哼了一声，又开始盯着手机看。那个周末他们之间说的话已经是最多的了。

It wasn’t that Chan wanted to be friends with him. He no longer expected their relationship to be brotherly. (One time, he’d overheard Mr. Hwang and Hyunjin talking in the evening, muted voices that didn’t sound aggressive down the hall from Chan’s room, but Hyunjin’s voice rose suddenly, clear enough for Chan to hear every word: She is not my mom, and he is not my brother.) He was happy with the friends and family he did have. But did Hyunjin really have to be so hostile? Had Chan been this angry when he’d been fourteen? Sometimes Chan’s mum asked him, in a quiet and sad way, if he’d try to help a little more with Hyunjin, but what was Chan supposed to do?
并不是说 Chan 想和他成为朋友。他已不再期待他们之间的关系像兄弟般。有一次，他听到黄老师和 Hyunjin 在晚上交谈，走廊尽头传来的声音被调低了，听不出有攻击性，但 Hyunjin 的声音突然提高，足够清晰让 Chan 听到每个字：她不是我的妈妈，他也不是我的兄弟。他对自己拥有的朋友和家人感到满足。但 Hyunjin 真的需要这么敌对吗？当他十四岁时，Chan 是不是也这么愤怒？有时候，Chan 的妈妈会安静而悲伤地问他，是否可以多帮一点 Hyunjin，但 Chan 应该怎么做呢？

Chan, meanwhile, was passing all his classes at a minimum, even acing some of them. Alex, Danny from Hyunjin’s production of Grease, texted Chan in the middle of the night a lot. They didn’t have any classes together this year, but they usually got lunch together at the Panera across the road from their school. Every once in a while, Chan caught Alex staring at his mouth. He’d catch him because he would be doing the same thing, and their eyes would intersect.
同时，Chan 至少通过了他所有的课程，甚至有些课程得了满分。Alex，Hyunjin 的《Grease》剧组的 Danny，在半夜经常给 Chan 发短信。他们今年没有一门共同的课程，但通常会一起在学校对面的 Panera 吃午餐。偶尔，Chan 会发现 Alex 盯着他的嘴看。他会发现是因为他自己也在做同样的事情，他们的目光会交汇。

The senioritis kicked in along with the spring semester. Chan’s grades did slip, but not too far. He wasn’t invited to Hyunjin’s fifteenth birthday party, though it was held in his—their—house. Either this was an unintentional omission because Hyunjin had probably assumed Chan would be around regardless (due to, well, living there), or a purposeful snub because Chan hadn’t come to the musical. (He’d felt a little bad about that, but that night, he’d been at Alex’s—Alex had boycotted the theatre program for reasons Chan didn’t wholly understand. They’d watched the movie version of Little Shop of Horrors, and something had happened that Chan had wanted so terribly, hadn’t meaningfully expected at all, couldn’t stop thinking about.)
高三综合症伴随着春季学期而来。陈的成绩有所下滑，但并不严重。尽管 Hyunjin 的十五岁生日派对是在他们家举办的，但他并没有受邀。这可能是因为 Hyunjin 假定陈会在家里，所以无意中忽略了他，也可能是有意的冷落，因为陈没有去看音乐剧。（他对此感到有点内疚，但那天晚上，他在 Alex 那里——Alex 因为某些陈不完全理解的原因抵制了戏剧项目。他们看了《食人花小店》的电影版，发生了一些事情，那件事让陈如此渴望，却又毫不意料到，让他无法停止思考。）

Chan’s big concern this semester, this month, was prom. Would it be okay for Chan to ask Alex, even as a friend? He thought maybe Stephanie, who always sat next to him in AP Stats and had a really cute smile, wanted him to ask her, but should they also just go as friends? He worried so much that he ended up putting it off until the last minute, and finally just decided to go with all his friends in one big group, including both Alex and Stephanie. His mum rented him a tux, last-minute. Chan was running late. The limo was waiting outside; Chan’s phone was buzzing, but he couldn’t get his bowtie right.
这学期，这个月，陈最担心的事情是舞会。陈能邀请亚历克斯去吗，即使只是朋友？他觉得或许斯蒂芬妮想让他邀请她，她总是坐在他旁边上高级统计课，笑容非常可爱，但他们只是作为朋友去吗？他担心得太多，结果一直拖到最后一刻，最终决定和所有朋友一起去，包括亚历克斯和斯蒂芬妮。他妈妈临时租了一套礼服给他。陈已经迟到了。豪华轿车就在外面等着；陈的手机一直在响，但他就是系不好蝴蝶结。

Hyunjin, suddenly, in the doorway of Chan’s room, hovering. “Is prom tonight?” he asked.
突然，贤真出现在陈房间的门口，徘徊着。“今晚是舞会吗？”他问道。

Chan didn’t have time for this, whole face furrowed with concentration as he re-looped the fabric. Unexpectedly, he missed his dad, who knew how to tie bowties; Chan had brushed him off over the summer, when he’d tried to teach him. “What? Yes,” he said, glancing over at Hyunjin. “Are you going?”
陈没时间理会这些，整张脸因为专心重新打结而皱起。出乎意料地，他想念他爸爸，他爸爸知道如何系蝴蝶结；暑假时，陈曾经对他爸爸不耐烦，当他试图教他时。“什么？是的，”他说着，瞥了一眼贤真。“你要去吗？”

It was a stupid question, because: “Underclassmen can’t go,” Hyunjin said, eyes bugged out like Chan was an idiot. “Unless they’re invited,” he added.
这是一个愚蠢的问题，因为：“下届生不能去，”Hyunjin 说，眼睛瞪得像 Chan 是个白痴。“除非他们被邀请，”他补充道。

He sounded sour about that, like he’d expected to be invited. Who would ever invite Hyunjin to prom? Chan stuffed one end of the bowtie through the other, tugged, pulled, got it. So buoyant was his mood as a result that, when he turned to Hyunjin and said, “Wanna come with?”, he actually meant it.
他听起来有点不高兴，好像他本来期望被邀请一样。谁会邀请 Hyunjin 去舞会呢？Chan 把领结的一端穿过另一端，拉紧，搞定。他的心情变得如此愉快，以至于当他转身对 Hyunjin 说：“想一起来吗？”时，他实际上是认真的。

“What,” Hyunjin said, squawky.
“什么，”Hyunjin 尖声说道。

Chan’s group did have an extra ticket, as it turned out. Mia had had an emergency tonsillectomy. Chan’s phone buzzed again. He needed to go, so if Hyunjin was coming, he had to say yes now, while Chan was still in a giving mood. Briefly, Chan explained all this, and Hyunjin stood so still, like a deer about to bolt. “So?” Chan concluded.
原来陈的团队确实有一张多余的门票。Mia 不得不进行了一场紧急扁桃体切除手术。陈的手机再次震动。他必须离开，所以如果 Hyunjin 要来，他现在必须答应，趁陈还心情好。陈简要解释了这一切，Hyunjin 站在那里一动不动，就像一只即将逃跑的鹿。“那么？”陈总结道。

Hyunjin was blinking an abnormal amount. “I have nothing to wear,” he said, as though from a great distance.
Hyunjin 眨眼的频率异常。“我没衣服穿，”他说，仿佛隔了很远的距离。

“Look,” Chan said, generosity fading quickly into irritation, “then never mind. I have to go, excuse me.”
“听着，”陈说，慷慨迅速消失，变成了烦躁，“那就算了。我得走了，对不起。”

Spots of colour rose in Hyunjin’s already uneven cheeks as Chan went out past him. To Chan’s back, as Chan headed for the stairs, Hyunjin said, “I wouldn’t want to go with you, anyway.”
在 Hyunjin 已经不平的脸颊上涌现出一抹颜色，Chan 走过他。当 Chan 走向楼梯时，Hyunjin 对着 Chan 的背影说：“反正我也不想跟你一起去。”

Chan could have said so many things. Good, I was just kidding. Or, Yeah, it would have been weird—you’re, like, my brother, or whatever. Or maybe just, Your loss. But instead, and proud of himself for his diplomacy and emotional maturity, he said nothing, graciously giving Hyunjin the gift of being able to pretend perhaps Chan hadn’t heard him.
Chan 可以说很多话。好吧，我只是开玩笑。或者，是的，那样会很奇怪——你就像是我的兄弟，或者其他什么。或者只是，你错过了。但是，自豪地为自己的外交手腕和情感成熟感到自豪，他什么也没说，慷慨地让 Hyunjin 能够假装也许 Chan 没听到他。

Chan didn’t end up kissing either Alex or Stephanie on the dance floor at prom. But he danced with both of them, and felt good about it. Thank God Hyunjin hadn’t taken him up on his random offer—he would have been such a wet blanket, like the handful of underclassmen Chan could see standing wide-eyed at the fringes of the room. Chan just hoped Hyunjin wouldn’t tell Chan’s mum what had happened. When Chan looked back on the interaction, it felt unkind. He just couldn’t decide who’d been unkinder.
Chan 最终没有在舞会上与 Alex 或 Stephanie 之一接吻。但他和他们两个都跳舞了，感觉很好。谢天谢地 Hyunjin 没有接受他的随意提议——他会是个大念头，就像 Chan 可以看到站在房间边缘目瞪口呆的几个年级较低的学生一样。Chan 只希望 Hyunjin 不会告诉 Chan 的妈妈发生了什么。当 Chan 回想起这段互动时，感觉很不友善。他只是无法确定谁更不友善。

***

Graduated. Cap and gown, tassel right to left, screaming hoarse on the football field. Two and a half voices cheering louder than the rest when Christopher Bang was called.
毕业了。戴着学士帽和礼服，右边的流苏，站在橄榄球场上尖叫。当克里斯托弗·邦被叫到时，有两个半的声音比其他人尖叫得更响。

***

And then it was summer. And then it was the wedding. Chan and Hyunjin were both in tuxes, this time, on each respective parent’s side, fumbling through recited lines. Chan’s aunts flew in for it, and some Hwangs came, too. It was really awkward and mostly really boring but also kind of sweet. A nice distraction from Chan’s latest heartbreak—Alex thought they were better off as friends after all, just when Chan had been looking forward to spending the summer with him. Now who was he going to hang out with all summer—Hyunjin? Perish the thought. The cake was apricot-mocha. Hyunjin didn’t have any, so Chan had two slices to make up for it.
然后就是夏天了。然后就是婚礼了。这次，Chan 和 Hyunjin 都穿着礼服，分别站在各自父母的身边，笨拙地念着台词。Chan 的阿姨们专程飞来参加，还有一些黄家人也来了。整个过程非常尴尬，大部分时间都很无聊，但也有点甜蜜。这是一个不错的分心，让 Chan 暂时忘记了最近的一次心碎 —— Alex 认为他们还是做朋友更好，就在 Chan 期待着与他共度夏天的时候。现在他要和谁一起度过整个夏天呢 —— Hyunjin？想都别想。蛋糕是杏桃摩卡口味的。Hyunjin 没吃，所以 Chan 为此吃了两块来弥补。

***

Chan landed a summer job at Petco. Hyunjin was home all day, apparently, because that was where he always was whenever Chan had a day off. Chan loved the job: he got to see so many cute animals that it made him consider becoming a veterinarian, but thinking about seeing these cute animals sick changed his mind very quickly. Hyunjin didn’t seem to understand that Chan was enjoying himself, though. Each evening Chan came home tired but happy, Hyunjin’s lips curled, as if to say, why are you wasting your time?
陈在 Petco 找到了一份暑期工作。显然，Hyunjin 整天都在家，因为每当陈休息一天的时候，他总是在那里。陈喜欢这份工作：他可以看到很多可爱的动物，这让他考虑成为一名兽医，但一想到看到这些可爱的动物生病，他立刻改变了主意。然而，Hyunjin 似乎不明白陈是在享受自己。每天晚上，陈疲惫而快乐地回家，而 Hyunjin 的嘴角却微微上翘，仿佛在说，你为什么要浪费时间呢？

Without school filling up their days, they saw each other more, but still, somehow, barely interacted. Two repellent magnets, circling. For a weekend in late July, they had to share a bathroom because there was a leak in Chan’s shower that needed to be repaired. Hyunjin fumed and raged and protested, but on this, Mr. Hwang held firm: it was more convenient than Chan having to go down a floor to shower in the master suite. Chan tried to say it was fine, he’d be happy to just do that, but somehow, that attempt to defuse tensions only made things worse. After having his iPad and all headphones taken away, finally, Hyunjin acquiesced. It literally was only for three days, anyway. Much ado about nothing. (Chan would have said that to Hyunjin, thinking maybe he’d appreciate the theatre joke, but he didn’t think Hyunjin deserved it.) Hyunjin’s shower was crammed full of tiny pastel-coloured bottles of skin- and haircare products, which, in Chan’s private opinion, didn’t seem to be doing Hyunjin any good. The whole ordeal was so needlessly irksome, but Chan spun it in his brain as basically practice for having a roommate in college, so it was just a valuable learning experience. And Hyunjin was only subjected to Chan for maybe ten seconds at most whenever Chan got out of the shower and, towel-bundled, legged it back to his own room to finish shaving and dressing, so Chan hoped he felt very foolish indeed for his overreaction.
没有学校填满他们的日子，他们见面的次数增多了，但不知怎的，他们几乎没有互动。两个互相排斥的磁铁，相互环绕。七月下旬的一个周末，由于陈的淋浴间漏水需要修理，他们不得不共用一个浴室。Hyunjin 愤怒、暴怒并抗议，但在这件事上，黄先生坚持认为这比让陈下楼到主卧室洗澡更方便。陈试图说没关系，他很乐意这样做，但不知怎的，这种缓和紧张气氛的尝试只会让事情变得更糟。在被拿走 iPad 和所有耳机之后，最终，Hyunjin 屈服了。反正也只是三天而已。无病呻吟。 （陈本来想对 Hyunjin 说这句话，或许他会欣赏这个戏剧笑话，但他觉得 Hyunjin 不配。）Hyunjin 的淋浴间挤满了各种小巧的粉色瓶瓶罐罐的护肤和护发产品，根据陈的私人观点，这些似乎对 Hyunjin 没有什么好处。整个折磨是如此毫无意义，但陈在脑海中把它看作是上大学时室友的基本练习，所以这只是一次宝贵的学习经历。 当 Hyunjin 只被 Chan 限制在十秒钟左右的时间里，每当 Chan 从淋浴间出来，裹着毛巾，匆匆走回自己的房间继续刮胡子和穿衣服时，Chan 希望他为自己的反应过度感到非常愚蠢。

Chan’s mum had given up on trying to make any step-brotherly bonding happen, and Mr. Hwang was still at work a lot. Besides, it seemed he’d given up on anything with Hyunjin a long time ago. So on the off-chance they had the house to themselves, they were both perfectly content to occupy completely separate orbits and never intersect. Between work, pre-reading some stuff for his first year college courses, and seeing his friends before they’d all inevitably start to skip town, Chan just wasn’t at home that much, and he didn’t have time to concern himself with whatever Hyunjin was doing. Again: practice for college roommates.
Chan 的妈妈已经放弃了试图让任何继兄弟之间的默契发生，而黄先生仍然忙于工作。此外，似乎他很久以前就放弃了和 Hyunjin 之间的任何事情。所以，万一他们有机会独自在家，他们都很乐意占据完全不同的轨道，永远不会交集。在工作之间，为大学一年级课程预习一些东西，和在朋友们离开之前见见他们，Chan 并不经常在家，也没有时间关心 Hyunjin 在做什么。再说一遍：为大学室友做准备。

Sometimes Chan could see, though, another world, one where they did get along. It could have been fun to hang out with a younger brother all summer. Sure, Chan didn’t exactly have skills or life lessons or wisdom to pass down to him, but maybe there was something. A vision of that world did exist. But he didn’t look at it often.
有时候，灿也能看到另一个世界，一个他们能和睦相处的世界。整个夏天和一个年幼的弟弟一起玩可能会很有趣。当然，灿并没有什么技能、人生经验或智慧可以传授给他，但或许有些东西。那个世界的景象确实存在。但他并不经常看它。

At some point in July, it finally dawned on Hyunjin that Chan had his own car and could drive himself around wherever and whenever he wanted. This marked a shift in Hyunjin’s attitude towards Chan, as Hyunjin did primarily seem to view people through a lens of utility. Now, he’d ask to tag along if Chan went out on his days off, and it was possibly the most they’d ever interacted. Chan could sympathise with getting a little stir-crazy and wanting to get out of the house, but, well, that was why Chan had gotten a job. Hyunjin could have gotten a job, too. So Chan said no most of the time. Sometimes he said yes out of overdue pity and always bitterly regretted it within the hour as Hyunjin made a mess in his car and hooked up his phone to the aux cord to play the most atrocious music Chan had ever heard in his life.
七月的某个时候，Hyunjin 终于意识到灿有自己的车，可以随时随地自己开车出去。这标志着 Hyunjin 对灿的态度发生了变化，因为 Hyunjin 主要似乎是从实用性的角度看待人。现在，如果灿休息日出去，他会请求跟着一起，这可能是他们互动最多的时候。灿能理解有点发疯想出去的感觉，但是，嗯，这就是为什么灿找了份工作。Hyunjin 也可以找份工作。所以灿大多数时候都会拒绝。有时他因为过度怜悯而答应，但总是在一个小时内后悔不已，因为 Hyunjin 在他的车里搞得一团糟，还把手机连接到音频线播放着灿这辈子听过最糟糕的音乐。

It was simultaneously harder and easier to say no when Hyunjin had a more specific request. Easier, because if Chan didn’t want to go somewhere, he could just say that. Harder, because Hyunjin was more persistent about those requests. Hyunjin wanted to go to Starbucks, to the mall, to see Kingsman: The Secret Service. And on the off-chance Chan wanted to do whatever it was Hyunjin wanted, too, caving in would set a dangerous precedent that only made Hyunjin more persistent—but if he said no, then he’d miss out on doing something he wanted to do. An impossible dilemma. However, the movie thing was an easy denial, sitting perfectly out of Chan’s control: “I want to see that, too, but it’s rated R, right? You can’t go see it.”
当 Hyunjin 有了更具体的要求时，要拒绝变得更难更容易。更容易，因为如果 Chan 不想去某个地方，他可以直接说出来。更难，因为 Hyunjin 对这些要求更加坚持。Hyunjin 想去星巴克，去商场，去看《王牌特工：特工学院》。而且如果 Chan 偶尔也想做 Hyunjin 想做的事情，屈服将树立一个危险的先例，只会让 Hyunjin 更加坚持——但如果他说不，那么他就会错过自己想做的事情。一个不可能的困境。然而，电影这件事是一个容易拒绝的事情，完全不在 Chan 的控制之下：“我也想看，但这是限制级的，对吧？你不能去看。”

“I could,” Hyunjin countered, chin raised, “if you took me.”
“我可以，”Hyunjin 反驳道，抬起下巴，“只要你带我去。”

Chan narrowed his eyes. He supposed that was true. But would he get in trouble if their parents found out he’d taken Hyunjin to such a gory movie? Hyunjin absolutely seemed like the type to snitch if it would benefit him in any way. “I don’t know if that’s a good—”
Chan 眯起了眼睛。他想这是真的。但如果他们的父母发现他带 Hyunjin 去看这样一个血腥的电影，他会惹上麻烦吗？Hyunjin 绝对看起来像那种为了自己利益而告密的人。“我不确定这是个好——”

“I won’t tell,” Hyunjin assured him. Easy innocence, seemingly so sincere. “I’m really good at keeping secrets.”
“我不会告诉别人的，”贤真向他保证。轻松的天真，看起来如此真诚。“我很擅长保守秘密。”

“Oh, yeah?” Chan said, raising an eyebrow. “Like what?”
“哦，是吗？”灿挑了挑眉。“比如什么？”

Hyunjin smiled, and it might have been the first time Chan ever saw him do that—or, at the very least, the first time it had been directed at him. “Well, if I told you, it wouldn’t be a secret anymore.”
贤真微笑了，这可能是灿第一次看到他这样做，或者至少是第一次对着他微笑。“如果我告诉你了，那就不再是秘密了。”

“Fair enough,” Chan said, and found himself smiling back. “Okay, fine. Let me see when it’s showing.”
“好吧，”陈说着，发现自己也在微笑。“好的，让我看看什么时候放映。”

Hyunjin looked shocked that he’d pulled it off. Chan found a showing in an hour, and, though he was hardly ever impulsive, told Hyunjin to go get in the car, they could go. When Hyunjin got what he wanted, it was as though he was muted for a while, just enjoying his triumph, so the drive to the movie theatre was surprisingly tolerable. Chan got a little nervous in the box office line, but the girl working hardly batted an eye, just handed over two tickets after checking Chan’s ID. Hyunjin didn’t want any popcorn, only Twizzlers, and Chan was the opposite. They sat in the second-to-last row, Chan delighted by the movie (and only slightly horrified by the amount of violence he was subjecting Hyunjin’s delicate eyes to), Hyunjin entirely impassive, even during the gory bits. Maybe the novelty had worn off for him, or maybe he would have preferred to see this movie with an actual friend, but for whatever reason, when the lights came up at the end, Hyunjin’s good humour had gone, and he didn’t even want to talk about how awesome it had been while Chan drove them home. A very different silence than the one Chan had enjoyed on the journey to the theatre. Chan’s mum was pulling into the driveway at the same time and was visibly delighted to see Chan and Hyunjin together; Chan told her they’d seen Jurassic World. But not even that, a stupid and simple pre-agreed-upon lie, could get another smile out of Hyunjin. And that was the final time they hung out, just the two of them, all summer—Chan got too busy, and Hyunjin stopped asking.
Hyunjin 看起来很震惊，他竟然成功了。Chan 发现一个小时后有场电影，虽然他几乎从不冲动，但还是告诉 Hyunjin 上车，他们可以去。当 Hyunjin 得到他想要的东西时，他仿佛沉默了一会儿，只是享受着他的胜利，所以开车去电影院的路程出奇地容易。Chan 在售票处排队时有点紧张，但那位女孩几乎没有多看他一眼，只是在检查了 Chan 的身份证后递给他们两张票。Hyunjin 不想要爆米花，只要 Twizzlers，而 Chan 则相反。他们坐在倒数第二排，Chan 对电影感到高兴（尽管对他让 Hyunjin 看到的暴力场面有点恐惧），而 Hyunjin 完全没有表情，甚至在血腥的部分也是如此。也许对他来说，新奇感已经消失了，或者他更愿意和一个真正的朋友一起看这部电影，但无论出于什么原因，当灯光在结束时亮起时，Hyunjin 的好心情已经消失了，他甚至不想谈论这部电影有多棒，而 Chan 则开车送他们回家时享受着完全不同的沉黧。 陈的妈妈同时驶入车道，看到陈和贤真在一起，显然很高兴；陈告诉她他们看了《侏罗纪世界》。但即使是这样一个愚蠢而简单的事先商定的谎言，也无法让贤真露出另一个微笑。那是他们整个夏天最后一次单独相处的时候——陈变得太忙了，贤真也不再提出要一起玩。

By August, Chan was packing his bags. He was staring at Street View every day to see how the street he was going to be living on looked. He was living in the future. He’d decided that in college, he would go by Chan, not Chris, to the outside world. Not quite a reinvention, but still, something new. A departure within a departure. And then, when he looked back on it, it would be like a human time capsule: anyone who called him Chris would be someone who’d known him before, and vice versa.
到了八月，陈开始收拾行李。他每天都盯着街景看，看他即将居住的街道是什么样子。他活在未来中。他决定在大学里对外界使用陈这个名字，而不是克里斯。这并不完全是一次重塑，但仍然是一种新的尝试。在告别中的告别。然后，当他回顾这一切时，这将像一个人类的时间胶囊：任何称呼他为克里斯的人都是在之前认识他的人，反之亦然。

He got into the car. Mr. Hwang put in the final box, then closed the hatchback. Chan’s mum was valiantly trying not to cry. It was only a seven-hour drive, and Chan again reassured her that he would be fine, he didn’t need her to come along, he’d see her soon. Hyunjin came down to wave, too. He didn’t tell Chan to drive safe, and he didn’t wish him luck, really. He looked as though he’d just woken up from a nap. Chan waved at all of them. He reversed the car out of the driveway. He rolled down the windows. And he looked back.
他上了车。黄先生把最后一个箱子放进去，然后关上了后备箱。陈的妈妈勇敢地试图不哭。这只是七个小时的车程，陈再次向她保证他会没事的，不需要她跟着来，他很快就会见到她。贤真也下来挥手。他没有告诉陈要注意安全，也没有真心祝他好运。他看起来好像刚从午睡中醒来。陈向他们所有人挥手。他把车倒出了车道。他摇下车窗。然后他回头看了看。

***

And then he never saw Hyunjin again.
然后他再也没有见到贤真了。

***

Not literally, of course. But it felt that way, for a long time. Mostly, in college, Chan forgot he existed. Somehow, whenever he’d drive or fly back to visit, Hyunjin wouldn’t be there; out on a ski trip, or doing a college tour of his own, or visiting other family somewhere else. Politely, Chan asked after him, and heard that he was fine, keeping busy, he’d pulled his grades up and was now very nearly the top of his class, which came as a surprise to Chan, but hey, good for him.
当然，并不是真的。但有很长一段时间，就是那种感觉。大部分时间在大学里，陈都忘了他的存在。不知何故，每当他开车或坐飞机回去拜访时，贤真都不在那里；在滑雪旅行中，或者自己去参观大学，或者去其他地方拜访其他家人。有礼貌地，陈问候他，听说他很好，忙着，他提高了成绩，现在几乎是班里最优秀的学生，这让陈感到惊讶，但嘿，他做得很好。

Chan was doing fine and keeping busy, too. College was exhilarating and amazing. Biochem major, psychology minor, but what was Chan going to do with it? He kept playing footie (intramural, though, keeping it casual) and started going to the actual gym. He had quite a few one-night-stands and fell in love. The next year, he fell out, and the breakup happened only a month after Chan’s mum had met his now-ex, which was… unfortunate. He did a semester abroad in Spain. His dad had met someone new, too, but she didn’t have any children of her own, for which Chan was irrationally grateful.
陈过得很好，也很忙碌。大学生活令人振奋而美妙。主修生物化学，辅修心理学，但陈要用这些做什么呢？他一直在踢足球（虽然只是校内联赛，保持随意），并开始去健身房锻炼。他经历了不少一夜情，也坠入爱河。接下来的一年，他又跌出爱河，分手发生在陈妈妈见过他的前任仅一个月后，这... 很不幸。他在西班牙度过了一个学期的留学。他爸爸也遇到了新的伴侣，但她没有自己的孩子，对此陈感到莫名的感激。

Summer jobs and internships continued to keep Chan busy year-round. He tried a little bit of everything, indecisive. Finally, a class about the impact of exercise on the human brain—both positive and negative, physical and philosophical—sparked something, and Chan’s next job was working as a late-night desk clerk at a gym in the city. Many friends over the years, teammates and otherwise, had told him he was great at pep talks. He liked to stay fit. Could this be the one?
暑期工作和实习让陈全年都很忙碌。他尝试了各种各样的工作，犹豫不决。最后，一门关于运动对人类大脑影响的课程——无论是积极的还是消极的，无论是身体上的还是哲学上的——点燃了他的激情，陈的下一份工作是在城市的一家健身房担任深夜接待员。多年来，许多朋友，无论是队友还是其他人，都告诉他他擅长鼓舞人心。他喜欢保持健康。这会是那个工作吗？

Yearly, he commented on Hyunjin’s Facebook wall to wish him a happy birthday. Hyunjin never even liked the post. Maybe kids these days weren’t using Facebook, or maybe Hyunjin just hated him after all.
每年，他都会在 Hyunjin 的 Facebook 留言祝他生日快乐。Hyunjin 甚至都没有点赞。也许现在的孩子们不再使用 Facebook 了，或者 Hyunjin 终究是讨厌他。

When Chan graduated from college, his dad (new wife in tow) flew up for the festivities. Chan was so hungover the morning of, but it was even more nauseating to see his dad and mum at the same table again. Mr. Hwang got Chan a very nice watch. Hyunjin was studying abroad in Portugal and, according to Mr. Hwang, was “bummed he couldn’t be here.” Chan knew Hyunjin had said no such thing. But he didn’t much miss him. 
当 Chan 大学毕业时，他爸爸（带着新妻子）飞来参加庆祝活动。当天早上，Chan 宿醉不醒，但看到他爸爸和妈妈坐在同一张桌子旁更让人恶心。黄先生送给 Chan 一块非常漂亮的手表。Hyunjin 正在葡萄牙留学，据黄先生说，他“很遗憾不能在这里”。Chan 知道 Hyunjin 从未说过这样的话。但他并不怎么想念他。

Chan stayed in the city. He lived with roommates first. Then he got a promotion at the gym to full-time trainer, so he got his own place. By the next year, he wasn’t just a trainer but a partner, a shareholder, which felt terrifyingly grown-up. But wasn’t he grown up? Hadn’t he worked hard, hadn’t he earned this? He moved into a bigger place, further from the gym but still within running distance. He liked his life. Loved it. He thought about getting a dog. He got a little lonely sometimes. But he talked to his mum lots on the phone, and he and his dad talked more, too, and he even gave Mr. Hwang some workout tips after his slipped disc.
陈留在城市里。一开始和室友住在一起。后来在健身房升职为全职教练，于是有了自己的地方。到了第二年，他不仅是一名教练，还是合伙人、股东，这让他感到成熟得可怕。但他不是已经长大了吗？他不是努力工作了吗？他不是应该得到这一切吗？他搬进了一个更大的地方，离健身房更远了，但仍然可以跑步到达。他喜欢他的生活。热爱它。有时他会感到有点孤独。但他经常和他妈妈在电话里聊天，他和他爸爸也聊得更多了，甚至在他滑盘后还给黄先生一些锻炼建议。

Nothing from Hyunjin, though. Ever.
但是从贤振那里，却一直没有任何消息。

Sometimes Chan did remember he existed. He’d heard Hyunjin had finished college, too, and was looking for work. Sometimes Chan wondered what he’d done wrong, why Hyunjin hated him. Because surely he hated him, right? His silence, his absence, wasn’t passive; it felt like a choice Hyunjin was deliberately making, intentionally keeping Chan as far away from his own life as possible. One of Chan’s classes had had readings about attachment theory, and some of it made Chan’s stomach twist with guilt. He summed up the whole situation for his friends, worrying that he hadn’t been there for a young, vulnerable person who’d needed more support. “Why is that your problem? You were a kid, too,” his friends said. “He sounds like a little nightmare, anyway.”
有时候灿会想起他的存在。他听说贤真也已经大学毕业了，正在找工作。有时候灿会想知道自己做错了什么，为什么贤真讨厌他。因为他肯定讨厌他，对吧？他的沉默，他的缺席，并不是被动的；感觉像是贤真故意做出的选择，刻意让灿远离他的生活。灿的一门课程有关依恋理论的阅读，有些内容让灿的胃扭曲着愧疚。他向朋友们总结了整个情况，担心自己没有为一个年轻、脆弱的人提供更多支持。“那和你有什么关系？你也是个孩子，” 他的朋友们说。“反正他听起来像个小噩梦。”

Well, yes. He was. But Chan never wished him ill, nonetheless. They hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in seven years.
嗯，是的。他是。但是灿从未恶意对待他。他们已经七年没有见面或交谈了。

***

Still, Chan recognises the voice on the phone immediately.
然而，陈立刻认出了电话那头的声音。

***

“Chris?” (He’s crying.) “Is this Chris?”
“克里斯？”（他在哭。）“这是克里斯吗？”

Chan thought it would be his grocery delivery (which he felt bad enough about calling for, in weather like this), but it’s not at all, and he sits bolt upright on the couch. The blood rushes from his head. It can’t be, because why would it be? But it is; he recognised his voice immediately. “Hyunjin?” he says in the wet gap that follows Hyunjin’s question, disbelieving but knowing it’s true.
陈以为是他的杂货送货员（在这种天气里他已经觉得很不好意思打电话叫人送货了），但完全不是，他突然从沙发上坐直。血涌向他的脑袋。不可能，因为为什么会是呢？但是，他立刻认出了声音。“贤辰？”他在贤辰问题后的沉默中说，不敢相信但知道这是真的。

“Yes,” Hyunjin says, stopped-up, sniffling. “Hi.”
“是的，”贤辰说，声音堵塞，抽泣着。“嗨。”

And offers no further explanation.
然后没有提供进一步的解释。

Chan pulls his phone away from his ear for a second to check the unidentified number: local area code. Maybe if this were a normal cold-call (is there such a thing?), he’d be making small talk, asking how Hyunjin is, why he chose tonight to reach out after seven years of hostile radio silence, but there’s a more pressing issue. Chan casts his mind back to think if he’d ever seen Hyunjin cry, during the brief period they were in each other’s lives, and can’t remember. “Are you okay?” Chan asks, carefully.
Chan 将手机从耳边拿开一会儿，查看未知号码：本地区号。也许如果这是一个普通的电话推销（这种事情真的存在吗？），他会闲聊一下，问问 Hyunjin 怎么样，为什么选择今晚在七年的敌对无声期后联系他，但有一个更紧迫的问题。Chan 回想起他是否曾见过 Hyunjin 哭泣，在他们相处的短暂时期里，他想不起来。“你没事吧？”Chan 小心地问道。

A muted sob. “I got mugged,” Hyunjin says. “I’m fine, I’m okay, but—he took my wallet and my phone. So I—”
"一声压抑的啜泣。“我被抢劫了，”Hyunjin 说。“我没事，我还好，但是—他拿走了我的钱包和手机。所以我—”

“Holy shit, Hyunjin—” “天啊，Hyunjin—”

“I’m fine,” Hyunjin repeats, even more wetly. “I’m at, um, this diner on Washington and Lake, do you think you could—get me?”
“我没事，”Hyunjin 重复道，声音更湿润了。“我在，嗯，在 Washington 和 Lake 的一家餐馆，你能来接我吗？”

Chan blinks hard a few times, and wishes he could blink with his whole brain. But, on automaton, he moves to get up. “Washington and Lake?” he says. Again, under less insane circumstances, he’d be asking what the fuck Hyunjin is talking about—he’s in town? Since when? How did he find Chan’s number if his phone got stolen? But Hyunjin got mugged, and he’s crying, and—Chan puts Hyunjin on speaker so he can check the map as Hyunjin confirms the cross streets—a ten-minute drive away, and Chan can be there. “I’ll be there in ten minutes,” he tells Hyunjin.
Chan 用力眨了几次眼，希望自己能用整个大脑眨眼。但是，像机器人一样，他起身。“Washington 和 Lake？”他说。在不那么疯狂的情况下，他本来会问 Hyunjin 到底在说什么——他在城里？从什么时候开始？他的手机被偷了怎么找到 Chan 的号码？但是 Hyunjin 被抢劫了，他在哭，而且——Chan 把 Hyunjin 的电话放在扬声器上，这样他可以在 Hyunjin 确认十字路口时查看地图——开车十分钟的路程，Chan 可以到那里。“我十分钟后到，”他告诉 Hyunjin。

“Okay,” Hyunjin says. There’s a deep, shuddering breath, like a relieving of tension.
“好的，”Hyunjin 说。有一声深沉的、颤抖的呼吸，像是释放了一些紧张。

Chan gets his keys and his shoes and some cash. Should he call Hyunjin’s dad? “Do you want to stay on the line?” he hedges. “Are you—safe right now?”
陈拿起钥匙、鞋子和一些现金。他应该打电话给贤振的爸爸吗？“你要继续通话吗？”他犹豫地问道。“你——现在安全吗？”

Another noise: this one like a strangled puddle. “I’m fine, Chris,” Hyunjin says. “I’m literally just in this diner, using the waitress’s phone. I’ll still be here. It’s called—” A little rustling. “Eggs on Wash.”
又传来一阵声音：这次像是一滩被扼住的水。“我没事，Chris，”贤振说。“我就在这家餐馆，用服务员的电话。我会一直在这里。它叫做—” 一阵轻微的沙沙声。“Eggs on Wash。”

“Got it,” Chan says. He’s out the door. “Stay right there, okay? Ten minutes. Call back if you need anything.”
“知道了，”陈说。他已经出门了。“就待在那里，好吗？十分钟。如果需要什么就再打电话。”

“Uh huh,” Hyunjin says. It sounds like he’s started crying again. “Thanks.” And hangs up.
“嗯，”贤真说。听起来他又开始哭了。“谢谢。”然后挂断了电话。

Chan doesn’t have time to think about what the fuck he’s doing, what the hell is going on. He takes the stairs down to the garage, unlocks his car, gets in, drives. He has approximately a million and one questions. First, most significantly: why is Hyunjin ten minutes away? To be fair, Chan didn’t know or ask where Hyunjin had moved after finishing his education at a small liberal arts college in Vermont, but Vermont isn’t exactly close to here, and no one had told Chan that Hyunjin would be visiting. Another question that Chan has that he can’t quite answer is why he cares so much. What does he owe to Hyunjin, to be this urgently concerned about his well-being? He’d do this for anyone, obviously. But still. Would Hyunjin do this for him, if the situations were reversed? Where has he been, all this time?
Chris 没时间去想他到底在做什么，到底发生了什么。他走下楼梯到车库，解锁车门，上车，开车。他有大约一百万个问题。首先，最重要的是：为什么贤真离这里只有十分钟的路程？公平地说，Chris 不知道或问过贤真在佛蒙特州一所小型文理学院完成学业后搬到哪里，但佛蒙特州离这里并不近，也没有人告诉 Chris 贤真会来访。Chris 还有一个问题，他无法完全回答，那就是他为什么如此在意。他对贤真有什么义务，让他如此急切地关心他的安全？显然，他会为任何人这样做。但还是。如果情况颠倒，贤真会为他这样做吗？他这段时间都在哪里？

Chan’s phone rings and he blindly, frantically jabs at the button on his steering wheel to answer. The call takes a crackly moment to connect to his car’s speakers. “Hyunjin? You alright?”
Chris 的手机响了，他盲目地、疯狂地在方向盘上的按钮上猛按以接听电话。通话花了一会儿才连接到车载扬声器。“贤真？你没事吧？”

“Hello?” says a different voice, tinny and muffled. “Sorry, this is Greg? With Instacart?”
“喂？”传来另一个声音，空灵而沉闷。“抱歉，我是格雷格？来送货的？”

“Oh,” Chan says. He’s at a red light, so he sighs and drops his forehead to the wheel for a moment. “Oh, okay. Sorry, what’s the—what’s up?”
“哦，”Chan 说道。他正停在红灯前，于是叹了口气，把额头顶在方向盘上片刻。“哦，好的。抱歉，怎么了？”

“The elevator—” “电梯——”

“Just leave it right there, thank you, sorry,” Chan says, and he regrets it as soon as he does it, but he hangs up on poor Greg, in case Hyunjin calls back and can’t get through.
“抱歉，请把它放在那里，谢谢。”Chan 说道，他一说完就后悔了，但他挂断了可怜的 Greg 的电话，以防 Hyunjin 回电话打不通。

There’s no traffic—evidently, it being 11 PM supersedes the rainstorm’s impact on the roads—and it’s not far, but ten minutes feels like an awfully long time. What is Chan going to do if he shows up and Hyunjin isn’t there—if he ran off into the thunder? He spots the diner’s glowing neon sign through the downpour. There are hardly any cars in the parking lot, so Chan pulls up to park right by the front door and, head ducked once he gets out, rushes in.
路上没有交通——显然，晚上 11 点的时候雨水对道路的影响不大——而且离这里也不远，但十分钟感觉像是很长的一段时间。如果他到了而 Hyunjin 不在那里怎么办——如果他跑到雷雨中去了呢？他透过倾盆大雨看到了餐馆发出的霓虹灯光。停车场几乎没有车，所以 Chan 就停在前门旁边，弯下头一出车就赶紧冲进去。

It’s a mid-size retro-style diner. Chan looks around, swivelling his neck like a cartoon character. He sees two waitresses in yellow uniforms at opposing ends, a family with several sticky children crowded into a booth, and a gorgeous creature sitting on a bar stool at the milkshake counter. No Hyunjin. Chan feels sick. He looks around again, makes eye contact with one of the sticky children and then with the gorgeous creature at the counter, and is startled to his molecules to recognise that the gorgeous creature is Hyunjin, in fact, getting up in that sulky shoulders-first way of his to come over.
这是一家中等规模的复古风格餐馆。Chan 环顾四周，像卡通人物一样扭动着脖子。他看到两名穿着黄色制服的女服务员分别站在两端，一家人挤在一个包厢里，有几个黏糊糊的孩子，还有一个坐在奶昔吧台上的绝色人物。没有 Hyunjin。Chan 感到恶心。他再次环顾四周，与一个黏糊糊的孩子和吧台上的绝色人物对视，惊讶地意识到那个绝色人物其实是 Hyunjin，他那种肩膀先行的傲慢方式站起来走过来。

He’s tall, is Chan’s first thought. He’ll have half a head or more on Chan when he gets close. His hair, ink-black and curling, is very long, down to his shoulders, soaked as it is. There’s mud on his seasonally inappropriate thin denim jacket. His eyes are red-rimmed (and is that mascara running down his cheeks?) and his lips are parted, pouted. Chan feels like a fish, only able to stare with mouth feebly open. Hyunjin, in his city. Tall and so gorgeous that Chan had seen his face before he’d seen him. Chan feels like he should apologise—like he should leave—like all he can do is stare.
他很高，是 Chan 的第一个想法。当他走近时，他会比 Chan 高半个头甚至更多。他的头发墨黑而卷曲，非常长，一直垂到肩膀上，浸湿了。他那季节不合适的薄牛仔夹克上沾满了泥土。他的眼睛红肿（那是眼线液从他脸颊上流下来吗？），嘴唇微张，撅着。Chan 感觉自己像一条鱼，只能张着嘴无力地凝视。Hyunjin，在他的城市。高大而如此绝色，以至于 Chan 在看到他之前就已经看到了他的脸。Chan 觉得自己好像应该道歉——好像应该离开——好像他能做的就只有凝视。

“Hey,” Hyunjin says, still congested, but his face is dry even if the rest of him is only drying. “Do you have three-fifty? The waitress let me have some coffee.”
「嘿，」贤真说，声音仍然沙哑，但他的脸已经干了，尽管他的其余部分仍在慢慢变干。「你有三块五吗？女服务员让我喝了一些咖啡。」

Are they seriously going to pretend nothing is out of the ordinary about this entire situation? Chan, bemused and mildly mortified, gets out his wallet while Hyunjin calls Jennifer over and thanks her for taking care of him. Jennifer is sufficiently brassy and no-nonsense that Chan is surprised she’d taken pity on a bedraggled and doubtless ungovernable Hyunjin, but he thanks her profusely and gives her twenty bucks. She raises her thin pencilled eyebrows but takes it and tells Hyunjin to be careful. And then Hyunjin looks at Chan—looks down at Chan, and Chan coughs and tilts his head in the direction of the door, and stiffly ushers Hyunjin out.
他们真的要假装这整个情况都很寻常吗？Chan 感到困惑和轻微的尴尬，掏出钱包，而贤真则叫来了詹妮弗并感谢她照顾他。詹妮弗足够直率，毫不客气，让 Chan 惊讶她会怜悯一个邋遢而毫无疑问难以控制的贤真，但他非常感谢她并给了她二十块钱。她挑起细细画着的眉毛，但接过钱并告诉贤真要小心。然后贤真看着 Chan—俯视着 Chan，Chan 咳嗽了一声，向门口的方向点了点头，生硬地催促贤真出去。

The rain has eased, but Hyunjin still hesitates under the diner’s awning while Chan scurries forward to unlock his car. “Oh,” Hyunjin says, emerging. “You got a new car.”
雨已经停了，但贤真仍在餐馆的遮阳篷下犹豫不决，而 Chan 匆匆走向前去解锁他的车。「哦，」贤真说着走了出来。「你换了辆新车。」

So Chan doesn’t recognise Hyunjin, and Hyunjin doesn’t think that a hand-me-down car that had eighty thousand miles on it when it reached Chan would need to be replaced someday. Perhaps this makes them even. (It does not.) “Yeah, the Mum-Mobile had a good run, but I had to send her out to pasture a few years back,” Chan says, so uncomfortable with this interaction that it’s making his brain spit out stupid things.
所以灿不认得贤真，而贤真认为当车开到灿手里时已经行驶了八万英里的二手车总有一天需要更换。也许这让他们平起平坐。（实际并非如此。）“是的，妈妈的座驾跑得不错，但几年前我不得不把她退役了，”灿说，对这种互动感到如此不自在，以至于他的大脑会说出愚蠢的话。

Hyunjin, unsurprisingly, doesn’t acknowledge what Chan had just said. He folds himself into the car and has to move the seat back a little once he’s in. He’d only been outside for five seconds at most, but he’s already shivering, and Chan turns on the car and punches the button to start the heater. Distantly, Chan hopes that Hyunjin doesn’t get water and mud all over his car, but it’s probably too late. “I’m getting shit all over your car,” Hyunjin says, as though reading Chan’s mind.
不出所料，贤真没有理会灿刚才说的话。他钻进车里，一进去就得把座位往后调一点。他只在外面待了不到五秒钟，但已经打起了哆嗦，灿打开了车子，按下了加热器的按钮。灿隐约希望贤真不要把水泥和泥巴弄得满车都是，但可能已经太迟了。“我把你的车弄得到处都是脏东西了，”贤真说，仿佛在读灿的心思。

“Don’t worry about it,” Chan says. He pulls out of the diner’s parking lot and sees, through the window, that Jennifer has given them a wave. He waves back.
“别担心，”灿说。他驶出餐馆的停车场，透过窗户看到詹妮弗向他们挥手。他回了个手势。

Hyunjin notices and does a thin exhale. “It took fucking forever to convince her I wasn’t lying,” he mutters. “I think I really freaked her out.”
Hyunjin 注意到，轻轻地呼出一口气。“我花了他妈的好长时间才说服她我没有撒谎，”他嘟囔道。“我觉得我真的吓坏她了。”

He’s really freaking Chan out, too. “What happened?” Chan asks, risking a quick glance away from the road to confirm that Hyunjin is still in the passenger seat, still buckled up, arms wrapped around himself, watching the lights. “Are you sure you’re okay? Have you called the cops?”
他也真的吓到了灿，"灿冒险从路上快速看了一眼，确认 Hyunjin 仍然坐在副驾驶座上，仍然系着安全带，双臂环抱着自己，看着路灯。“发生了什么事？”灿问道，“你确定没事吗？你打电话给警察了吗？”

“What’s that going to do?” Hyunjin sighs. He leans his head back. He’s definitely getting water everywhere. “He literally just came up next to me and asked if he could have my umbrella. I didn’t even understand what was happening until he, like—pushed me over, I don’t know.”
“那有什么用？”Hyunjin 叹了口气。他把头靠在椅背上。水肯定到处都是。“他就直接走到我旁边问我能不能借他伞。我甚至没明白发生了什么，直到他，就像—把我推倒，我不知道。”

Chan looks over at Hyunjin sharply, but can’t look long, he needs to watch the road. His eyes just keep sticking. “Did he hurt you?”
陈锐锐地看了一眼贤振，但不能看太久，他得看着路。他的眼睛总是停留在那里。“他伤害你了吗？”

Hyunjin exhales again. This one sounds like a laugh. A little mocking. “No. I did what you’re supposed to do, you know, looked away and just handed my valuables over.” He holds up a wrist: elegant and slim. Chan doesn’t know what he’s supposed to be looking at until Hyunjin taps the bare skin. “Watch, too.”
贤振再次呼出一口气。这声音听起来像是笑声。有点嘲讽。“没有。我做了你应该做的事，你知道的，看向别处然后把贵重物品交出去。”他伸出一只手腕：优雅而纤细。陈不知道自己应该看什么，直到贤振轻拍着裸露的皮肤。“手表也是。”

“Damn,” Chan says. “该死，”陈说。

“Then he told me to count to a thousand before I went anywhere,” Hyunjin continues. He’s so blithe about it, so emotionless. “He had a gun, I think. Maybe a knife. So I just sat there, getting fucking rained on. The diner was the first open place I found, and once I got Jennifer to believe me, you know the rest. See? Nothing too crazy.”
“然后他告诉我在我走之前数到一千。”贤振继续说道。他说得如此轻松，如此无情。“他拿着枪，我想。也许是刀。所以我就坐在那里，被他妈的雨淋着。这家餐馆是我找到的第一个开着门的地方，一旦我让詹妮弗相信我，你知道剩下的事情。明白吗？没什么太疯狂的。”

It all sounds very crazy to Chan. When Hyunjin had called him, he’d been actively crying, but now he’s so calm—only the slight stopped-up sound of his voice gives away that there had ever been any feeling there. “I’m sorry that happened to you,” Chan says, softer, with a brief glance over to Hyunjin. “And I’m glad you’re okay. Glad you called.”
对于灿来说，这一切听起来非常疯狂。当贤振给他打电话时，他一直在哭，但现在他如此平静——只有他的声音略显堵塞的细微声音暴露出曾经有过的情感。“对你发生的事我感到抱歉，”灿轻声说道，瞥了一眼贤振。“我很高兴你没事。很高兴你打电话来。”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin says, and reaches for the handle on his seat so he can lean it back.
“是的，”贤振说着，伸手去拉椅子上的把手，想要把椅子往后靠。

That had sounded a little vulnerable, maybe. A little emotional. Chan fidgets, permits another glance, but he can’t stay there long. Eyes on the road, Christopher. “Um—why’d you call me, though?”
这听起来有点脆弱，也许有点情绪化。灿有些坐立不安，允许自己再看一眼，但他不能停留在那里。注意开车，Christopher。“嗯——不过，你为什么打电话给我呢？”

Hyunjin is quiet for so long that Chan thinks he’s asleep; he checks, and Hyunjin’s eyes are open but his jaw is tense, and he’s crossing his arms. Chan might recognise that expression—it’s been a long time, and Hyunjin’s face is very different, but that’s how he thinks Hyunjin used to look when he was angry.
Hyunjin 沉默了很久，以至于灿以为他睡着了；他检查了一下，Hyunjin 的眼睛是睁着的，但下巴绷紧，他双臂交叉。灿可能会认出那种表情——已经过了很长时间，而且 Hyunjin 的脸已经变得很不同，但他觉得 Hyunjin 生气的时候就是这个表情。

“I’m glad you did,” Chan rushes to reiterate. “Seriously, it’s no problem, I live close, it’s—you can always call me, Hyunjin.”
“我很高兴你打电话给我，”灿赶紧重申。“真的，没问题，我住得很近，你随时可以打电话给我，Hyunjin。”

Hyunjin hisses out a tight breath. Chan immediately feels guilty for that, too. It’s not like he’s called Hyunjin all this time, either, although he could have. “I don’t have anyone else’s number memorised who lives here,” Hyunjin says, practically snaps. “I could have called my dad, but what was he going to do? Calling you was more efficient.”
Hyunjin 喘出一口气。Chan 立刻为此感到内疚。他也不是一直都叫 Hyunjin，尽管他本来可以的。“我没有其他住在这里的人的电话号码记住，”Hyunjin 说，几乎是咬牙切齿地说。“我本来可以打我爸的电话，但他能做什么呢？打你电话更有效率。”

“Right,” Chan says. “Right.” After all, he may be taller and so beautiful that Chan is still finding it difficult to reconcile this vision of Hyunjin with the gangly, spotty, surly teenager he once knew, but—it’s still Hyunjin. There’s that temper and its nastiness, lashing out to strike, spit venom at anyone who gets close. (Why does he still have Chan’s number memorised? Chan doesn’t know Hyunjin’s, although he has him in his phone, just in case.) Still, deep down, he’s the same.
"“对，”Chan 说。“对。”毕竟，他可能个子更高，长得美丽到让 Chan 仍然觉得很难将这个 Hyunjin 的形象与他曾经认识的那个瘦高、长痘、脾气坏的少年联系在一起，但——他依然是 Hyunjin。那种脾气和恶毒，向外发作，向任何靠近的人喷吐毒液。（为什么他还记得 Chan 的电话号码？Chan 不知道 Hyunjin 的，尽管他在手机里有，以防万一。）但在内心深处，他还是那个人。”

Hyunjin’s voice cuts through Chan’s internal monologue as the car pulls into the underground garage. “I’m sorry,” he says. Quiet and serious. “I really appreciate it, Chris. It was good of you to pick me up, especially since you really didn’t have to, you could have just said no or called me a cab or something. So thank you.”
当车子驶入地下车库时，Hyunjin 的声音打破了 Chan 的内心独白。“对不起，”他说。轻声而认真。“我真的很感激，Chris。你接我真是太好了，尤其是你真的不必这样做，你本来可以拒绝或者打个车之类的。所以谢谢你。”

Chan’s guilt has no limit, does it? One apology does not an entire new personality make, but he’d misjudged Hyunjin already; of course he’s changed and grown. The last time they saw each other, Hyunjin was a child. And now he’s—this. “That’s okay,” Chan says, looking over to him with a small smile as he parks in his space. “Seriously, I was happy to. It’s nice to hear from you. When did you get into town, are you visiting someone? How long are you staying? I had no idea you were here, obviously, but now that I know, we can—” He gestures loosely to indicate hang out, although he has no idea what that would even look like, if Hyunjin would even want anything to do with Chan now that he, presumably, chooses who’s in his life.
Chris 的内疚似乎没有止境，是吗？一个道歉并不能改变整个新的个性，但他已经误解了贤振；当然他已经改变和成长了。上次他们见面时，贤振还是个孩子。而现在他变成了这样。“没关系，”Chris 说着微笑看向他，停好车。“真的，我很高兴。能听到你的消息很好。你什么时候来的，是来看朋友吗？要呆多久？我完全不知道你在这里，但既然知道了，我们可以——”他随意地做了个手势，示意一起出去玩，尽管他根本不知道会是什么样子，如果贤振现在会不会想和 Chris 有任何联系。

Hyunjin puts his hand on his seatbelt. There had been something on his face very distantly reminiscent of a smile a moment ago, but now it’s gone. “I’m not visiting,” he says. “I live here.”
贤振把手放在安全带上。刚才他脸上曾经有一丝微笑的痕迹，但现在已经消失了。“我不是来旅游的，”他说。“我住在这里。”

At first, Chan thinks he’s misheard. But Hyunjin’s flat stare is confrontational and unapologetic, as if defying Chan to disbelieve him, and Chan splutters a little. “You—what? You live—here?”
一开始，Chris 以为自己听错了。但贤振的平静眼神充满挑衅和无愧，仿佛在挑战 Chris 不相信他，Chris 有点结巴。“你——什么？你住——在这里？

“Not too far from you, actually,” Hyunjin says. All of a sudden he looks tired. “I was walking home after work when he mugged me.”
“其实离你不远，”贤真说。突然间，他看起来很疲倦。“我下班后在回家的路上被抢了。”

Home? Work? In Chan’s city, and no one had told him? “Since when?” Chan manages.
回家？工作？在灿的城市，竟然没人告诉他？“从什么时候开始？”灿勉强问道。

Hyunjin shrugs. “About five, six months?”
贤真耸耸肩。“大概五六个月前吧？”

“Hyunjin,” Chan says, floored. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”
“Hyunjin，” Chan 说，目瞪口呆。“为什么你没告诉我？”

“Why would I have?” Hyunjin counters. “I told them not to tell you, either, because I knew you’d be weird about it.”
“我为什么要告诉你？”Hyunjin 反驳。“我也告诉他们不要告诉你，因为我知道你会对此感到奇怪。”

“I’m not being weird about it—Hyunjin, seriously?” Chan says, his shock turning to dismay. Why does this hurt so much? Hyunjin has been just a few minutes away for months, but still—inexplicably—hates Chan so much, so profoundly, so inexplicably but totally, that he’d orchestrated an elaborate conspiracy to keep him in the dark? Hyunjin, stubbornly, is evidently done talking about this, so Chan puts his hands back on the steering wheel and sighs. “Okay, well—you should have told me before I—it’s fine. I’ll drive you home, then. Wait—shit, my groceries.” Why is everything so complicated? He drops his forehead against the backs of his hands, just briefly. Hyunjin is silent. Chan lifts his head. “Can you wait here for a minute while I go run them upstairs? I’ll be right back. Or—you could come with, if you want,” he offers, the kind of polite offer that he knows no one, especially not Hyunjin, would take him up on, but—
“我并没有对此感到奇怪——Hyunjin，认真的？”Chan 说，他的震惊转为失望。为什么会这么痛苦？Hyunjin 几个月来只是离他几分钟之遥，但是——莫名其妙地——如此深深地憎恨着 Chan，如此彻底，如此莫名其妙但又完全地，以至于他策划了一个精心设计的阴谋让他一无所知？Hyunjin 顽固地不愿再谈论这件事，所以 Chan 把手放回方向盘上叹了口气。“好吧，嗯——你应该在我——没关系。我送你回家，然后。等一下——该死，我的杂货。”为什么一切都这么复杂？他把额头轻轻地压在手背上。Hyunjin 保持沉默。Chan 抬起头。“你能在这等一分钟吗？我去把它们搬上楼。我马上回来。或者——你可以跟我一起去，如果你愿意的话，”他提议，这种礼貌的提议他知道没有人，尤其不是 Hyunjin，会接受，但是—

“Okay, sure,” Hyunjin says, and unbuckles himself so he can get out of the car.
“好的，当然，”贤真说着，解开安全带下车。

Chan can’t keep up with him. (Because his legs are too long, ha. Chan’s grip on sanity is slipping.) But he tries to, getting out, locking the car, following. Thankfully, his groceries are untouched by the elevator, and Chan picks up two heavy bags in each hand, then punches the elevator code in with his thumb. “This won’t take long,” he tells Hyunjin, feeling almost crushingly awkward again, so stupid, the butt of Hyunjin’s joke. “Sorry.”
灿跟不上他。（因为他的腿太长了，哈。灿的理智正在溜走。）但他努力跟上，下车，锁车，跟随。幸运的是，他的杂货没有被电梯碰到，灿一手拿起两个沉重的袋子，然后用拇指输入电梯密码。“这不会花很长时间，”他告诉贤真，再次感到几乎压倒性的尴尬，太蠢了，成为贤真笑话的对象。“抱歉。”

“It’s fine,” Hyunjin says, now frustratingly neutral in place of anger.
“没关系，”贤真说着，现在令人沮丧地中立，代替了愤怒。

So Chan, hoping to understand, looks over to him. He’s looking up, around, at the garage and the building. He’s so very tall. Looking at him feels like an optical illusion: tilt your head to the left, and it’s Hyunjin. To the right, and Hyunjin is gone, Chan can’t even see him in there if he squints. He grew into his lips, and the long hair suits him so wonderfully, so awfully. Is this really the same Hyunjin? Would Chan have even recognised him, if he hadn’t known who he was looking for? Or would he have just seen him, and wanted—wanted—
所以灿，希望能理解，看向他。他正在往上、四周看，看着车库和建筑物。他真的很高。看着他就像是一种视觉错觉：把头向左倾斜，就是贤振。向右倾斜，贤振就消失了，灿甚至眯着眼睛也看不见他在那里。他的嘴唇变得更加完美，长发也非常适合他，既美好又可怕。这真的是同一个贤振吗？如果不知道他在找谁，灿会认出他吗？还是只会看到他，然后想要——想要——

“What?” Hyunjin says sharply.
“什么？”贤振尖锐地说道。

“What,” Chan says, startled, blinking. The elevator has arrived, and the doors are already about to close, but Chan has evidently just been gazing—or staring—at Hyunjin wordlessly for a while, and he sticks a leg out to stop the doors from shutting and hopes his face isn’t as red as it feels. Playing it cool is something he has never known how to do, but some situations he simply can’t explain his way out of, so he’ll have to stick with this in-between.
“什么，”灿吃惊地说，眨眼。电梯已经到了，门已经快要关上，但显然灿刚刚一直无言地盯着贤振看了一会儿，他伸出一条腿阻止门关上，希望自己的脸并没有他感觉到的那么红。装作镇定是他从未懂得的事情，但有些情况他无法解释，所以他只能坚持这种中间状态。

He waits for Hyunjin to follow him into the elevator, then presses the button for his floor, and then they’re both just looking at anything but each other as the elevator begins to move. Chan shifts his grip on the grocery bags, but they’re not too heavy; out of the corner of his eye, he sees Hyunjin noticing how much Chan is carrying, but Hyunjin doesn’t offer to help, because of course he doesn’t. With arms that skinny, Chan can’t help but note, he wouldn’t be much help, anyway.
他等待着 Hyunjin 跟他一起进入电梯，然后按下了自己楼层的按钮，接着他们都开始盯着别的东西，而不是彼此，当电梯开始移动时。Chan 调整了手中的杂货袋，但它们并不太重；他的余光中，他看到 Hyunjin 注意到 Chan 扛了多少东西，但 Hyunjin 并没有提出帮忙，因为当然他不会。Chan 不禁注意到，那么细的胳膊，他也帮不上什么忙。

But that thought feels unkind, and he doesn’t want to be unkind to Hyunjin, not ever again. “So where are you working?” he asks, affecting a brightness he doesn’t totally feel, and looks up at him. “What are you in?”
但这个想法让他觉得不友善，他不想对 Hyunjin 不友善，再也不想了。“那你在哪里工作？”他问道，装出一副他并不完全感受到的明亮神情，然后抬头看着他。“你在做什么？”

“What am I… in,” Hyunjin repeats, seemingly confounded.
“我在做什么…？”Hyunjin 重复道，似乎感到困惑。

Chan nods. “Yeah, like—do you still do musicals? Have you made the pivot to video?” He only remembers Hyunjin’s production of Grease in the vaguest terms. And he didn’t see the other musical he was in; the excitement of the burgeoning maybe-relationship with Alex has subsumed all those memories. But he remembers what a big part of Hyunjin’s life it was, how protective and possessive he was over it. In the few times he’s imagined what Hyunjin must have been up to all these years, he’s always assumed he kept up with theatre. What else would he be doing?
陈点点头。“是的，比如说——你还在演音乐剧吗？你转向视频了吗？”他只模糊地记得贤辰演出《油脂》的情形。他没有看另一部贤辰参演的音乐剧；与亚历克斯之间新生的或许关系的兴奋已经淹没了所有那些记忆。但他记得音乐剧对贤辰的生活有多么重要，他对此多么保护和占有欲强烈。在他几次想象贤辰这些年都在做什么的时候，他总是假定他会继续从事戏剧。他还能做什么呢？

The elevator doors slide open and Hyunjin is so befuddled that he doesn’t even move at first, only belatedly following once Chan exits. “I work at Prada,” he clarifies, stiff and a little cold. “I’m a concierge. If you’re asking about theatre, I haven’t—I’m not in anything right now.”
电梯门滑开，贤辰感到困惑得目瞪口呆，一开始甚至没有移动，直到陈走出电梯后才迟疑地跟上。“我在普拉达工作，”他解释道，生硬而有些冷淡。“我是一名礼宾员。如果你问戏剧的事，我没有——我现在没有参演任何剧目。”

Chan heard him catch himself: maybe he’d been about to say I haven’t done that in a while, or something like it. For some reason, the fact that Hyunjin isn’t doing theatre anymore makes Chan very sad. But that would be inappropriate to say, right? He has no idea how Hyunjin feels about it. “Prada, though, that’s cool,” he says, switching his right-hand bags to his left so he can get his keys. “Can’t believe I’ve never seen you, then. I’m in there all the time.”
陈听到他自己停下来的声音：也许他刚要说我有一阵子没做过那个了，或者类似的话。出于某种原因，知道贤真不再演戏让陈感到很难过。但这样说可能不太合适，对吧？他不知道贤真对此是什么感觉。“不过，普拉达很酷，”他说着，把右手的包换到左手，这样就可以拿到钥匙。“真不敢相信我从来没见过你。我经常在那里。”

Hyunjin looks at him very quickly, his dark and glossy eyes so judgmental and surprised, and Chan’s face heats up again.
贤真很快地看着他，他那双深邃而光亮的眼睛充满了审判和惊讶，陈的脸又红了起来。

“That was a joke,” he explains.
“那是个玩笑，”他解释道。

“You’re still not funny,” Hyunjin says, sounding for a moment so much like his sulky teenage self that Chan can’t help but crack a smile as he unlocks his apartment door.
"“你还是一点都不好笑，”贤真说道，声音一时间听起来像是他那个爱生气的十几岁时的自己，让灿忍不住笑了起来，他打开公寓门。”

“This’ll be quick,” Chan tells him, going in and directly through to the kitchen to start refrigerating perishables. “Um—do you want water or soda or anything? Are you hungry?”
“很快就好了，”灿告诉他，走进去直接去厨房开始把易腐食品放进冰箱。“嗯——你想要水还是苏打水还是其他什么？你饿吗？”

“I’m fine,” Hyunjin says. He’s balancing delicately on Chan’s doormat so he can take his waterlogged shoes off; only now does Chan see that they’re expensive loafers, they must be part of his work uniform. He can also see Hyunjin looking around at his place, and Chan wonders how it compares to Hyunjin’s—does he think it’s small and pathetic? Big and impressive? It’s so weird to have him here. He looks edited in, somehow, cut and pasted. He doesn’t fit in, and Chan feels so shabby, even though Hyunjin’s the one who looks like a half-drowned cat. He’s slipping out of his thin jacket now, revealing long, pale arms that are as slender as the rest of him, but where as a kid he’d been lanky and scrawny, now it just makes sense—the pieces of his body click together. This time, Chan catches himself staring half a second before Hyunjin does, so he’s looking down into his Instacart bag when Hyunjin asks, “Can I use your phone?”
“我没事，”贤振说。他小心翼翼地站在灿的门垫上，以便脱掉浸湿的鞋子；现在灿才看到，那是昂贵的皮鞋，肯定是他的工作制服的一部分。他还看到贤振环顾四周，灿不禁想知道他的地方和贤振的相比如何——他会觉得这里小而可怜吗？大而令人印象深刻吗？他在这里感觉如此奇怪。他看起来像是被编辑进来的，不知怎么的，剪切和粘贴。他不合群，而灿感到自己如此破旧，尽管贤振看起来像只半淹死的猫。他现在正脱下薄外套，露出修长的苍白胳膊，和他的其余身体一样纤细，但小时候他瘦长而骨瘦如柴，现在一切都合情合理——他的身体各部分完美契合。这一次，灿在贤振之前半秒钟就发现自己盯着他看，所以当贤振问：“我能用你的手机吗？”时，他正在看着自己的 Instacart 袋子。

Chan pulls it out and hands it over without a thought after unlocking it with his face; Hyunjin takes it, then immediately starts to type, making his sock-footed way elegantly through Chan’s living room as he does so. Chan doesn’t watch him for very long—he has dairy-free ice cream, and it’s melting. In the process of unloading the new groceries, he discovers some old ones in the fridge that need to be re-organised, and although perhaps now isn’t the best time to do so, while he’s keeping Hyunjin waiting, he starts it anyway.
Chan 毫不犹豫地把手机拿出来递给 Hyunjin，用脸部解锁；Hyunjin 接过手机，立刻开始输入，一边优雅地穿过 Chan 的客厅。Chan 没有看他很久——他有无乳制品的冰淇淋，正在融化。在卸下新的杂货的过程中，他发现冰箱里有一些需要重新整理的旧杂货，虽然现在或许不是做这件事的最佳时机，但他还是开始了，虽然这样会让 Hyunjin 等待。

And Hyunjin isn’t complaining: he’s making a call. “Aria?” he says, over by Chan’s windows. “Hey, it’s me. Did you text me the rest of the story? Yeah, no, I’m not ignoring you. And I didn’t get home safe yet. Don’t freak out, okay? My phone got stolen. Like, I got mugged, actually. I’m fine, I’m fine! I’m calling from Chris’s phone. He picked me up.” A pause. More muted, more tense, Hyunjin continues, “He’s not, but yes, that Chris.”
而 Hyunjin 并没有抱怨：他在打电话。“Aria？”他站在 Chan 的窗户边说道。“嘿，是我。你给我发的剩下的故事？是的，我没有忽视你。我还没有平安到家。别着急，好吗？我的手机被偷了。就像，我其实是被抢劫了。我没事，我没事！我用 Chris 的手机打的电话。他来接我了。”停顿。Hyunjin 声音更低，更紧张地继续说道：“他不是，但是是的，就是那个 Chris。”

Chan tries not to eavesdrop too obviously, and to smother a small smile—there’s another thing that hasn’t changed: Hyunjin’s insistence that they aren’t brothers, as though anyone could ever have mistaken them for such. Who’s Aria? Friend, girlfriend?
陈尽量不显眼地偷听，掩饰住微笑——还有一件事没变：Hyunjin 始终坚称他们不是兄弟，仿佛有人会误认他们是兄弟一样。Aria 是谁？朋友，女朋友？

No, Chan thinks, looking over the kitchen counter to watch Hyunjin treading slowly along the runner by the entry to Chan’s little balcony, not Hyunjin’s girlfriend. He’s not sure why he’d never thought of it sooner, but now, now that they’re both adults, in some way established, he can see very clearly that Hyunjin is gay. Not because of his interest in theatre or his haute-couture job or his long vanity-project hair; the same way he would be able to see it if they’d run into each other at a club, for instance, or on the street, or at Chan’s gym. A recognition of kind. Of kin.
不，陈想，看着厨房柜台上的 Hyunjin 缓缓走过陈小阳台入口处的地毯，他不是 Hyunjin 的女朋友。他不确定为什么他以前从未想过这一点，但现在，现在他们都成年了，在某种程度上已经有了立足之地，他可以很清楚地看到 Hyunjin 是同性恋。不是因为他对戏剧的兴趣，或者他的高级定制工作，或者他那长长的自恋发型；就像如果他们在俱乐部、街上或者陈的健身房相遇时他也能看到一样。一种相似的认知。一种亲缘。

Chan wonders if Hyunjin knows that Chan’s bisexual. Maybe it would be meaningful to him to know it, that he’s not the only queer one in the family—but does he see them as family? He certainly doesn’t see Chan as any sort of role model. Honestly, Chan doubts he’d care at all. But if there’s a non-cringe, non-super-awkward way to bring it up, maybe Chan will. For some reason, it’s meaningful to him that Hyunjin knows it.
Chan 想知道 Hyunjin 是否知道 Chan 是双性恋。也许对他来说知道这一点很有意义，知道他不是家里唯一的同志——但他是否把他们看作家人呢？他肯定不把 Chan 视为任何角色模范。老实说，Chan 怀疑他根本不会在乎。但如果有一种不尴尬、不尴尬的方式提起这件事，也许 Chan 会这样做。出于某种原因，他觉得 Hyunjin 知道这一点很有意义。

He finishes separating the vegetables from the fruits and colour-sorting his protein shakes. Hyunjin finishes his call and comes back to return Chan’s phone to him, but gets unexpectedly close, peering into Chan’s fridge. Chan, self-conscious about the level of organisation, doesn’t shut the door, but does regard Hyunjin warily. “Are you hungry after all?”
他把蔬菜和水果分开，把蛋白奶昔按颜色分类。Hyunjin 结束了电话，回来把 Chan 的手机还给他，但却意外地靠近，凝视着 Chan 的冰箱。Chan 对组织水平感到不自在，没有关上冰箱门，但警惕地看着 Hyunjin。“你到底饿不饿？”

“That’s a lot of protein shakes,” Hyunjin says instead of answering like a normal person.
“这是很多蛋白奶昔，”Hyunjin 说，而不是像正常人那样回答。

“Do you want one?” Chan attempts.
“你要一个吗？”Chan 试探着问道。

Hyunjin shakes his head and withdraws. “This is a nice place,” he says.
Hyunjin 摇了摇头，退后一步。“这是个不错的地方，”他说。

Chan feels illogically proud of himself for having elicited that response, although he can’t even be sure it’s genuine. “Thanks,” he answers. “I moved here after I made partner at the gym. Uh, I work at a gym,” he adds, reminding himself not to presuppose that Hyunjin knows anything about his life. If Chan hasn’t been asking his mum and Mr. Hwang about Hyunjin, why would Hyunjin be asking them about Chan? He knew that Hyunjin was out there, somewhere, as presumably their parents would tell him if he weren’t. But he’s never asked much more. Still, Hyunjin did know what city Chan lived in, so maybe he has been asking more questions. Chan watches for Hyunjin’s reaction, to see if Hyunjin will say I know or I don’t give a shit, but he does neither, just nods slightly as he moves a further few feet away.
Chan 为自己成功引起那种反应而感到非常自豪，尽管他甚至不能确定那是否真诚。“谢谢，”他回答。“我在健身房当了合伙人后搬到这里。嗯，我在一家健身房工作，”他补充道，提醒自己不要假设 Hyunjin 对他的生活了解多少。如果 Chan 没有向他妈妈和黄先生询问 Hyunjin 的事情，那么 Hyunjin 为什么会向他们询问 Chan 呢？他知道 Hyunjin 在某个地方，因为他们的父母会告诉他如果不在的话。但他从来没有问过更多。不过，Hyunjin 确实知道 Chan 住在哪个城市，所以也许他问了更多的问题。Chan 观察着 Hyunjin 的反应，看看他会说“我知道”还是“我才不在乎”，但他既不说也不做，只是微微点头，同时再往后退了几步。

“I guess,” Hyunjin says a little uncertainly, now halfway across the kitchen, retreating like a crab scuttling back into its cave, “I could eat.”
“我猜，” 现在在厨房中间有些不确定地说道的贤振，像螃蟹一样退缩回自己的洞穴，“我可以吃点东西。”

So people this beautiful can still be very awkward. It’s weirdly heartening. (Chan remembers Hyunjin before he was very beautiful, too; the awkwardness isn’t new at all.) “Okay. What do you want?” Chan says readily. “Are you vegan or anything?”
原来这么美丽的人还会很尴尬。这种感觉有点让人振奋。(灿还记得贤振变得很美之前的样子；尴尬一点也不新。) “好的。你想要吃什么？” 灿毫不犹豫地说道，“你是纯素食主义者吗？”

That stops Hyunjin in his sideways, backing-up tracks. “Do I look vegan?” he asks, coldly deadpan.
这话让贤振停下了侧身后退的脚步。“我看起来像纯素食主义者吗？” 他冷冷地问道。

Chan can’t tell if it’s a joke or not. “Well, tell me if you are, otherwise I’ll make a chicken stir fry,” he says, and starts getting ingredients out from his pantry and fridge.
Chris 无法确定这是开玩笑还是认真。“好吧，如果你是的话告诉我，否则我就做鸡肉炒饭了，”他说着，从橱柜和冰箱里拿出食材。

Hyunjin deposits himself onto one of Chan’s bar stools. He spins, just a little. “Do you cook a lot?” he says, and before Chan can answer, he himself answers a question Chan hadn't asked: “I don’t. But my kitchen’s not this big.”
Hyunjin 在 Chris 的吧台凳上坐下。他微微转动着凳子。“你经常做饭吗？”他问道，在 Chris 来得及回答之前，他自己回答了一个 Chris 没有问的问题：“我不怎么做饭。但我的厨房没有这么大。”

“You can still cook in a small kitchen,” Chan points out mildly. He portions rice for the cooker, reminding himself he’s making this for two, and turns the cooker on. “Yeah, I mostly cook for myself. Gotta get my macros in.”
“在小厨房里也能做饭，”Chris 平静地指出。他给电饭煲分配米饭，提醒自己这是为两个人做的，然后打开了电饭煲。“是的，我大多数时候是为自己做饭。得摄入足够的宏量营养。”

“You don’t need a recipe?”
“你不需要食谱吗？”

Chan, now cutting the chicken into bite-size bits, glances up and over at Hyunjin. “Not really,” he replies. His bemusement has returned. Does Hyunjin really care about what and how Chan eats? “I’m no chef or anything. I just make simple stuff that I’ll want to eat.”
Chan 现在正在把鸡肉切成一口大小的块，抬头看着 Hyunjin。“不需要，”他回答道。他的困惑又回来了。Hyunjin 真的在意 Chan 吃什么和怎么吃吗？“我不是大厨什么的。我只是做一些简单的东西，我自己想吃的。”

Hyunjin is watching Chan, with that same hostile edge he always used to have when he was younger. Unblinking, intense. It was never too threatening or intimidating before, and Chan isn’t exactly intimidated now—that’s not the first word that comes to mind—but it does make him have to look away again, as Hyunjin says, “Well, I just get delivery.”
Hyunjin 一直在看着 Chan，带着他年轻时总是带有的那种敌意。目不转睛，强烈。以前从来不会太威胁或令人感到害怕，而现在 Chan 并不感到害怕——这不是他首先想到的词——但这让他不得不再次移开视线，当 Hyunjin 说：“嗯，我只点外卖。”

So unsurprising. “Watch me make this,” Chan suggests, cursory at first, but then unexpectedly proud of himself for the suggestion. “Then you’ll know a recipe, and you can make it for yourself whenever you want. It’s good, you’ll see. And easy.”
“这一点并不令人意外。”Chan 建议道，一开始随意地，但随后却因为这个建议而意外地感到自豪。“你看我做这个，”他说，“然后你就会知道一个食谱，以后想吃的时候自己做就行了。很好吃，你会喜欢的。而且很简单。”

“What if I forget the steps?” Hyunjin asks, and on anyone else, Chan might call that tone, that expression, manipulative faux-naïveté, but on Hyunjin—he has no idea what to think of it. He doesn’t want to judge Hyunjin. He doesn’t even know him. Looking at him now, his face so compellingly alien, Chan is stricken by just how little they know—knew—had known each other. Doesn’t everyone, including and perhaps especially Hyunjin, deserve a second chance, let alone when he’d barely even been given a first?
"“如果我忘记了步骤怎么办？”Hyunjin 问道，如果是别人，Chan 可能会认为这种语气、这种表情是一种操纵性的假天真，但对于 Hyunjin——他不知道该怎么想。他不想评判 Hyunjin。他甚至不认识他。此刻看着他，他那张脸如此迷人地陌生，Chan 突然意识到他们之间了解得多么少——了解得多么少——彼此。每个人，包括也许尤其是 Hyunjin，难道不值得第二次机会吗，尤其是当他几乎没有得到过第一次机会吗？”

So Chan smiles, and says, “Then call me. You already know my number, after all.”
于是 Chan 微笑着说：“那就给我打电话吧。毕竟你已经知道我的号码了。”

Hyunjin’s alien face twitches hard enough that Chan can see it out of his peripherals. A smile in return? Pain? Annoyance? “And you’d pick up.”
Hyunjin 的外星人脸部抽搐得够厉害，以至于 Chan 可以从他的周围看到。回以微笑？痛苦？烦恼？“你会接电话。”

“Of course,” Chan says, a splash of oil into the pan, setting the heat on medium-high.
"“当然，”Chan 说，往锅里滴了一点油，将火调至中高火。”

“Even though we don’t talk.”
“尽管我们不说话。”

Neither of those had sounded like real questions. Again, Hyunjin is confrontational. Like he’s just made a demand, and the subsequent negotiation isn’t going as hoped. Chan can’t predict him, clearly. It also doesn’t totally seem like they’re still talking about the chicken recipe anymore, so Chan feels secure enough to carefully and ambiguously say, “I picked up tonight, didn’t I?”
这两个问题都不像是真正的问题。再次，贤真是好斗的。就像他刚刚提出了一个要求，而随后的谈判并不如所希望的那样进行。昌不太能预测他，显然。现在似乎他们已经不再谈论鸡肉食谱了，所以昌感到足够安全，小心翼翼地含糊地说：“今晚我去拿了，对吧？”

“An unidentified number,” Hyunjin muses. “And then an unreasonable request. I did think you’d never grow out of that.”
“一个未知号码，”贤真沉思道。“然后是一个不合理的要求。我本以为你永远不会长大。”

Chan had been about to take issue with unreasonable request, but now he frowns for an entirely different reason. “Out of what?”
昌本来要对不合理的要求提出异议，但现在他皱眉是因为完全不同的原因。“长大？长大什么？”

“Being so trusting,” Hyunjin says.
“信任别人这么容易，”贤智说。

“That’s not a bad thing,” Chan says, tossing the chicken chunks into the pan, and he thinks, but does not say, besides, you’re the one that gave some stranger on the street your umbrella.
“这不是坏事，”灿说着，把鸡块扔进锅里，心里想着，但没有说出口，而且，你不是把伞给了街上的陌生人吗。”

Hyunjin huffs. “It makes you easy to take advantage of.”
贤智哼了一声。“这让别人很容易占你的便宜。”

“I don’t see it that way.”
“我不这么看。”

“Of course you wouldn’t.”
“当然你不会。”

“Are you taking advantage of me?” Chan asks, eyebrows raised. Isn’t that the implication? “Hardly. I’m just cooking for you. I’d be cooking for myself if you weren’t here, too.”
“你是在占我的便宜吗？”Chan 问道，挑起眉毛。这不就是暗示吗？“哪有。我只是在给你做饭而已。如果你不在这里，我也会给自己做饭的。”

Hyunjin doesn’t say anything. He’s watching Chan as he slices up green onions. As Chan goes into the fridge to pull out an avocado from where he’s been keeping it in a bowl of water. When he does speak again, it’s only to ask about what Chan is doing in the kitchen: not much of a tutorial if you’re only doing, not describing. Chan answers, and wonders why Hyunjin cares. It’s not like he’s actually going to cook this for himself later. He was never polite, as a child. Never a small-talker. Which is interesting, considering his background and his face; wouldn’t he be trained, very used to well-meaning strangers trying to make shallow connections with him? (Not that Chan is a stranger, not quite.) Or maybe that’s why—his beauty is a burden, and everyone around him an annoyance. So why this sudden subtle friendliness? It clicks for Chan belatedly, just like most things, most social interactions. When Hyunjin asks about the brand of soy sauce Chan uses. Chan has never been much of an empath, to put it mildly, and Hyunjin is always inscrutable; still, Chan can see that somehow, for some reason, Hyunjin is glad to be here. He doesn’t want to leave. He’s not wishing Chan would hurry it up so he can get out of there and go home. He might even be enjoying this.
Hyunjin 什么也没说。他看着 Chan 切葱。当 Chan 进冰箱拿出一个放在水碗里的鳄梨时。当他再次开口时，只是询问 Chan 在厨房里做什么：如果你只是做而不是描述，那就不算是教程。Chan 回答了，并想知道 Hyunjin 为什么在意。他并不打算自己稍后煮这个。他小时候从不客气。也不爱闲聊。考虑到他的背景和他的长相，这很有趣；他不应该接受过训练，对于那些试图与他建立肤浅联系的陌生人应该很习惯才对？（尽管 Chan 不是陌生人，但也不完全是。）或许正因如此——他的美是个负担，周围的每个人都是个烦扰。那么为什么突然这种微妙的友好？Chan 迟钝地明白了，就像大多数事情，大多数社交互动一样。当 Hyunjin 问起 Chan 使用的酱油品牌时。Chan 从来不是什么善解人意的人，而 Hyunjin 总是难以捉摸；但 Chan 仍然能感觉到，不知为何，Hyunjin 很高兴在这里。他不想离开。 他并不希望灿能快点结束，这样他就可以离开回家。他甚至可能正在享受这一切。

Brotherly bonding, years-belated? That guilty feeling from earlier returns, and is amplified by the fact that Chan is enjoying it, too. If Hyunjin is actually reaching out to him, actually wants to mend what was never really there in the first place, then Chan is not going to fumble it due to the awful burgeoning sense of interest he feels. Interest that isn’t particularly familial, let alone brotherly. This is the sort of thing people go to confession for, isn’t it? He won’t act on it—of course he won’t. But now, as he stirs honey and red pepper flakes into the chicken frying in his pan, and as Hyunjin leans forward across the kitchen counter and a glorious strand of his inky hair spills down over his shoulder, Chan can no longer deny that the interest is there.
多年来的兄弟之情？之前的内疚感再次涌上心头，而且灿也在享受其中。如果真的是现在贤振主动接近他，真的想修补从一开始就不存在的关系，那么灿不会因为自己感到的那种难以言喻的兴趣而搞砸。这种兴趣并非特别亲情，更不是兄弟之情。这种事情不是人们要去忏悔吗？他不会采取行动的，当然不会。但是现在，当他搅拌着锅里煎鸡肉时，贤振越过厨房柜台向前倾身，他墨黑的头发优雅地垂落在肩膀上，灿再也无法否认自己心中的那份兴趣。

Superficial? Maybe. But at the core of it, there’s a desire for a connection—to know more about him. Where he’s been, where he wants to go, if he really does hate Chan, and if so, why. Chan thinks he might be able to wrestle that interest into something less befitting of a take-this-to-your-grave kind of secret. Valiantly, he’ll try, and he starts by offering Hyunjin a piece of chicken (only after thoroughly blowing on it to cool it), and then asking what kinds of things he likes to eat normally, promising to send him more recipes, asking his mum for some as well. He stops himself, though, before he can offer to cook with him sometime; that would be too far. They don’t know each other, he reminds his own eager mind. They never properly did. He’ll have to let Hyunjin guide these interactions—or else things could get really weird really fast.
表面？也许是。但在核心，有一种渴望连接的欲望——想要了解更多关于他的事情。他去过哪里，他想去哪里，他是否真的讨厌灿，如果是的话，为什么。灿觉得他也许能够将这种兴趣转化为不那么适合作为埋葬在心底的秘密的东西。他会勇敢尝试，他开始先给贤振递一块鸡肉（在彻底吹凉后才给），然后问他平时喜欢吃什么，承诺给他寄更多食谱，也问他妈妈要一些。然而，在他能提出与他一起做饭的时候，他停了下来；那样太过分了。他提醒自己急切的心，他们不认识彼此。他们从未真正认识过。他必须让贤振引导这些互动——否则事情可能会变得非常奇怪非常快。

Fortunately, with each passing minute, Hyunjin seems to be remembering how this works: asking Chan vaguely invasive or overly blunt questions, and barreling forward regardless of the answer. “How’s Bruce?” is what he hits Chan with this time, and it’s so unexpected that Chan’s nervous smile has him almost slicing his own finger off as he chops up some scallions. Right—Hyunjin knows Chan’s family, of course he knows about Chan’s father. He’s not actually some beautiful stranger Chan just picked up at a late-night diner, as much as Chan keeps forgetting about that little detail.
幸运的是，随着每一分钟的流逝，贤振似乎正在记起这是如何运作的：问陈一些模糊的侵入性问题或过于直白的问题，然后不顾答案继续前进。“Bruce 怎么样了？”这次他问陈的问题如此出乎意料，以至于陈紧张的微笑让他在切葱时差点割到自己的手指。对了，贤振认识陈的家人，当然他知道陈的父亲的情况。他并不是陈在深夜餐馆里随意捡起的一个美丽陌生人，尽管陈总是忘记了这个小细节。

“He’s good!” Chan answers, moving the knife safely away from his scallion-holding hand. “He got remarried, I dunno if you knew that. They moved to Melbourne.”
“他很好！”陈回答道，把刀子安全地放远离拿葱的手。“他再婚了，我不知道你知不知道。他们搬到墨尔本去了。”

“Have you visited?” “你去看过他吗？”

“Not for a while. It’s a long flight, and it’s hard for me to take that much time off work. But they might come out here this summer, maybe, when it’s winter for them.”
“暂时不会。飞行时间很长，我很难腾出那么多时间不工作。但也许他们今年夏天会过来，也许，当他们那边是冬天的时候。”

Hyunjin makes an ambiguous humming noise. “I almost did my semester abroad in Australia.”
Hyunjin 发出含糊不清的嗡嗡声。“我差点在澳大利亚度过我的留学学期。”

“Oh, really?” Chan’s not sure if Hyunjin would like it there. Melbourne is more posh than Sydney, that’s for sure, but still, he can’t imagine Hyunjin walking through either city. On the other side of the world, upside down. Chan’s homeland, in a way. He wonders why Hyunjin ended up going somewhere else. “Did you like Portugal, though?”
“哦，是吗？”Chan 不确定 Hyunjin 会不会喜欢那里。墨尔本肯定比悉尼更时髦，但他仍然无法想象 Hyunjin 会在任何一个城市里走动。在世界的另一边，颠倒着。在某种程度上是 Chan 的家乡。他想知道为什么 Hyunjin 最终选择去了别的地方。“不过，你喜欢葡萄牙吗？”

Another of Hyunjin’s sharp-edged intentional silences. Chan looks up at this one, now that the scallions are safely sliced. Hyunjin is frowning, but it’s a blank sort of frown, guarded. “Do you want me to apologise for not coming to your graduation?” Hyunjin asks, his tone flat.
又是一次韩知真刻意保持沉默的尖锐时刻。灿这次抬起头来，现在大葱已经安全地切好了。韩知真皱着眉头，但那是一种空洞的皱眉，戒备的。"你想让我为没去参加你的毕业典礼道歉吗？"韩知真问道，语气平淡。

Chan blinks at him. “What? No. That’s…” He’d honestly forgotten until just now that that was happening at the same time; it’s like the two narrative lines of their lives were running totally separately in his mind. Had it hurt his feelings at the time? He can’t even remember. He hopes he hasn’t made Hyunjin feel bad, but unfortunately, there’s no way to say I think I didn’t really care what you were doing without sounding like a total prick. “I was just asking,” he finally says. “I’ve never been to Portugal.”
灿瞪大眼睛看着他。“什么？不，那是…”他直到刚才才忘记了那件事正在同时发生；就像他们生活中的两条叙事线在他脑海中完全分开一样。那时候有没有伤害到他的感情？他甚至都记不起来了。他希望自己没有让韩知真感到难过，但不幸的是，没有办法说出“我想我并不在乎你在做什么”而不显得像个彻头彻尾的混蛋。“我只是在问，”他最终说。“我从来没有去过葡萄牙。”

Hyunjin visibly relaxes. “I loved it,” he says, which is unsurprising, and then begins to tell Chan about the wonders of Portugal while Chan finishes putting their meal together, and while Hyunjin doesn’t lift an elegant finger to help him.
韩知真明显地放松下来。“我喜欢它，”他说，这一点并不令人意外，然后开始向灿讲述葡萄牙的奇迹，而灿则继续准备他们的餐点，而韩知真却没有伸出优雅的手指来帮忙。

If they don’t say anything else for the rest of the night, this has already more than surpassed the longest conversation they’d ever had previously. Chan can’t even think of what would have been. And Hyunjin is being—if not genial, at least not hostile. It’s new. It’s nice. Chan is smiling along to a tale of Hyunjin’s about getting drunk and lost in Lisbon, and he goes over to set the table for them, snagging a nonalcoholic beer for himself along the way. Although Hyunjin is still talking, he’s also still watching Chan very closely; Chan sees his eyes dart over every detail—the bowls Chan chose for their food, the label of the beer, the way he sets up their chopsticks. Normally Chan wouldn’t notice it if someone was watching him, but Hyunjin is very intent and obvious about it, practically turns his whole body to watch Chan go. Chan tries to remember if Hyunjin ever used to do anything like that before, and comes up blank.
如果他们在晚上剩下的时间里不再说任何话，这已经超过了他们以前所进行的最长对话。Chan 甚至无法想象以前会是什么样子。而 Hyunjin 正在表现得——至少不是敌意，这是新的。很好。Chan 笑着听 Hyunjin 讲述在里斯本喝醉并迷路的故事，然后去摆放餐桌，顺便拿了一瓶无酒精啤酒给自己。虽然 Hyunjin 仍在说话，但他也在非常密切地观察着 Chan；Chan 看到他的眼睛在每一个细节上扫视——Chan 为他们的食物选择的碗，啤酒的标签，他摆放筷子的方式。通常情况下，Chan 不会注意到有人在看他，但 Hyunjin 对此非常专注和明显，几乎整个身体都转向看着 Chan 走。Chan 尝试回忆 Hyunjin 以前是否做过类似的事情，但却一无所获。

“I hope it’s edible,” Chan says, sitting, and Hyunjin is across from him, and he looks at once like he fits right in and like the sorest thumb.
“我希望这是可以吃的，”Chan 坐下说道，而 Hyunjin 坐在他对面，一下子看起来既像是合适的，又像是最不合群的人。

“Smells good,” Hyunjin says. He takes a bite before Chan can remember to look away from his mouth. Chan waits, oddly nervous even though this is, like—just his—not his baby brother, but just someone he’s never cared about impressing before this very moment. When Hyunjin rewards him with a small, approving nod, it sinks unexpectedly deep, and Chan is relieved and proud and pleased and happy and—guilty, again. He could have cooked for Hyunjin before. When their families lived together, Chan was learning how to cook. Can he make up for that much lost time, now? And does it really have to be that serious? He’s just glad Hyunjin likes it; he seems like the picky type.
"“闻起来很香，”贤真说。他在灿还没来得及移开目光之前就咬了一口。灿等待着，尽管这只是他的事情，不是他的弟弟，只是在这一刻之前从未在意过给别人留下好印象。当贤真用一个小小的赞许点头回报他时，这种感觉突然深深地沉入心底，灿感到宽慰、自豪、高兴，还有一丝内疚。他以前本可以为贤真做饭的。当他们的家庭住在一起时，灿正在学习如何烹饪。他现在能弥补那么多失去的时间吗？这真的需要那么认真吗？他只是很高兴贤真喜欢；他看起来像是挑剔的人。”

Hyunjin must have been starving, because he eats quietly and quickly, and everything. The adrenaline must have gotten to him, too. Oh, fuck, the adrenaline—this isn’t just a normal night, Chan abruptly remembers. Hyunjin just went through something traumatic, and here Chan is, the worst person in the world, objectifying him. Blushing with shame, he keeps his head down, and neither of them talks much while they eat.
贤真一定是饿坏了，因为他安静而迅速地吃着，什么都吃。肾上腺素也一定影响到了他。哦，该死，肾上腺素——灿突然想起这不是一个普通的夜晚。贤真刚经历了一些创伤，而在这里，灿是世界上最糟糕的人，将他物化了。羞愧地脸红，他低着头，他们吃饭的时候都不怎么说话。

As the bowls empty, Chan sees a threshold beginning to formulate. How will Hyunjin act once he’s done with his meal? Get up right away, start making bored faces, look pointedly at the clock? Flat-out tell Chan that time’s up, he wants to be taken home, now? But when Hyunjin finishes, all he does is lean back slightly in his chair, chin tilting up as he looks across at Chan. “Is that good?”
当碗里空了，灿开始看到一个阈值开始形成。当他吃完饭后，贤真会怎么做？立刻起身，开始做无聊的表情，目不转睛地看着钟？直截了当地告诉灿时间到了，他想回家，现在？但当贤真吃完后，他只是稍微向椅子后仰，下巴微微抬起，看着灿。“好吃吗？”

“Is what good?” Chan asks, and Hyunjin points with his eyes to the nonalcoholic beer, the condensation from which is forming a faint damp ring on Chan’s Pottery Barn placemat. “Oh. I mean, yeah, I like it.”
“什么好吃？”灿问道，贤真用眼睛指了指非酒精啤酒，上面的冷凝水在灿的 Pottery Barn 餐垫上形成了一个淡淡的湿圈。“哦。我是说，是的，我喜欢。”

“I’ve never tried it,” Hyunjin says. A faint echo of the past—taking Hyunjin to an R-rated movie. This time, though, there’s no sneaky mischief on his face, only a noble rumination, but Chan’s reaction is embarrassingly similar to what it had been back then, he thinks—feeling like he’ll get in trouble.
“我从来没试过。”贤真说。过去的微弱回声——带贤真去看限制级电影。不过这一次，他脸上没有任何诡计，只有一种高尚的思考，但灿的反应令人尴尬地与当时相似，他想——感觉自己会惹上麻烦。

“You want one?” he offers to counteract that feeling, already getting out of his chair. They’re both adults now, and it’s nonalcoholic, anyway.
“你要来一杯吗？”他提议以抵消那种感觉，已经从椅子上站起来。他们现在都是成年人了，反正也不含酒精。

Hyunjin shakes his head, so Chan stills. “What if I don’t like it? Then you’d just waste a whole bottle.”
Hyunjin 摇了摇头，于是 Chan 停下了动作。“如果我不喜欢呢？那你就浪费了一整瓶。”

Fair enough, although Chan wouldn’t really hold it against him. He’d be surprised if Hyunjin liked beer. He sits again and tips the bottle in Hyunjin’s direction. “Try it, then. If you don’t like it, I have… what do I have. A lot more where that came from, mostly. And hard cider.” Again remembering Hyunjin’s trauma, he mentally searches his freezer and the back of his pantry, and sympathetically adds, “And vodka, if you want something stronger.”
挺公平的，尽管 Chan 并不会真的怪他。他会觉得 Hyunjin 喜欢啤酒很惊讶。他再次坐下来，把瓶子朝 Hyunjin 的方向倾斜。“试试看吧。如果你不喜欢，我还有…我有什么来着。大部分都是从那里来的。还有苹果酒。”再次想起 Hyunjin 的创伤，他在心里搜索着自己的冰箱和食品储藏室的后面，怜悯地补充道，“如果你想要更烈一点的，我还有伏特加。”

Hyunjin is already reaching across the table, pale fingers curling around green glass. “Why do you have alcohol in your house if you don’t drink?”
Hyunjin 已经伸手过桌子，苍白的手指缠绕在绿色玻璃杯上。“如果你不喝酒，为什么家里有酒呢？”

“I do drink,” Chan says, eyebrows raising. “Just shouldn’t, tonight.”
“我喝酒的，”Chan 说道，眉毛挑起。“只是今晚不应该喝。”

“But you’re not working tomorrow,” Hyunjin says, and lifts the bottle to take a mouthful. Like with the food, Chan holds his breath for Hyunjin’s reaction, although in this case, that’s even more idiotic—Chan had nothing to do with the production of this beverage. Unlike with the food, Hyunjin visibly hates this, his pretty face scrunching up into something so childish, so familiar, that it’s honestly startling at this point, just when Chan was getting used to how he looks now. It’s all Chan can do not to laugh as Hyunjin shakes his head quickly and slides the bottle back over to him, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, throat working as he swallows. “All the more for you.”
“但你明天不用上班，”Hyunjin 说着，抬起瓶子喝了一口。就像对待食物一样，Chan 屏住呼吸等待 Hyunjin 的反应，尽管在这种情况下，这样做更加愚蠢——Chan 与这种饮料的制作毫无关系。与食物不同的是，Hyunjin 明显讨厌这个，他漂亮的脸庞皱成了一团，变得如此孩子气，如此熟悉，以至于这一点真的让人吃惊，就在 Chan 刚刚适应他现在的样子时。Chan 竭力忍住不笑，当 Hyunjin 迅速摇头，把瓶子推回给他，用手背擦了擦嘴，喉咙动了动，吞咽着。“全都留给你了。”

“Thanks,” Chan says, working to conceal his smile, and takes the bottle back, thumb pressing to the cold seeping through the label. It would be weird to say he’s proud of Hyunjin for trying, right? It would be. He doesn’t say it. “And no, I’m not working tomorrow, but I still have to drive you home.”
“谢谢，”Chan 说着，努力掩饰着微笑，拿回瓶子，拇指按在透过标签渗出的冰冷上。说他为 Hyunjin 的尝试感到自豪会很奇怪，对吧？确实会。他没有说出口。“不过明天我不用上班，但还是得送你回家。”

Hyunjin’s sour expression doesn’t sweeten. “Hard cider,” he says.
Hyunjin 的脸上的酸溜溜的表情并没有变甜。“苹果酒，”他说。

Although Chan isn’t totally sure whether he meant it as a question—as in, why do you have hard cider?—or as a request, he still gets up again and heads into the kitchen. The feeling of taking Hyunjin to see Kingsman, that’s what it was, the movie he now sees as a covert gay classic, returns. There’s two-thirds of a six-pack left at the back of his fridge, and he pulls out a can for Hyunjin, brings it to him, reflexively pops the top without thinking. Hyunjin looks surprised when Chan sets the can in front of him, as though he hadn’t asked for it—and maybe he hadn’t? But he’s sipping before Chan’s overthinking can get worse. This time, his beautiful face stays smooth, unscrunched by disgust. His lips are a little wet when he brings the can down, and Chan takes a sip of his own beer. In comparison to whatever Hyunjin must be tasting now, it’s bitter.
尽管陈并不完全确定他是把它当作一个问题——比如，你为什么有苹果酒？——还是一个请求，他还是站起来走进厨房。带着希澜去看《王牌特工》，那就是那种感觉，他现在把这部电影视为一个隐秘的同性恋经典。冰箱后面还剩下六罐的三分之二，他拿出一罐给希澜，端给他，下意识地打开了罐头。当陈把罐子放在希澜面前时，希澜看起来很惊讶，好像他并没有要求过一样——也许他确实没有？但在陈过度思考之前，他已经开始啜饮了。这一次，他美丽的脸没有因厌恶而皱起。当他放下罐子时，他的嘴唇有点湿润，陈喝了一口自己的啤酒。与希澜现在可能品尝到的任何东西相比，它更苦涩。

“You live alone,” Hyunjin says.
“你一个人住，”希澜说。

Again with the statement-questions. He has a very direct stare, such a confrontational shine in his eyes. The optical illusion from the parking garage is back: now, with Hyunjin across from him, Chan can barely see the boy he knew—didn’t know—under there. But he can see him. He is in there, somewhere. “I do,” Chan answers, a little belatedly, and his cheeks are warm from the exertion of keeping his thoughts from getting away from him. He almost says it’s his second time living alone, now, that this is the second place he’s gotten on his own, but he doesn’t know what details Hyunjin wants, which ones he cares about. Probably none. Safer to turn the conversation back to him. “You have roommates?”
又是陈述疑问句。他的眼神非常直接，眼中闪烁着一种对抗性的光芒。停车场的视觉错觉又出现了：现在，站在对面的贤振，Chris 几乎看不到他认识的那个男孩——不认识的那个男孩——在那里。但他能看到他。他就在那里，某个地方。“我是的，”Chris 有点迟疑地回答，他的脸颊因为努力控制自己的想法而变得温暖。他差点说这是他第二次独自生活，现在，这是他自己找到的第二个地方，但他不知道贤振想要什么细节，他关心哪些。可能没有。更安全的是把谈话转回到他身上。“你有室友吗？”

“No,” Hyunjin says, as vehemently as he’d denied being vegan. The oddest things offend him. “Are you coming to Thanksgiving this year?”
“没有，”贤振说，就像他拒绝吃纯素食一样坚决。最奇怪的事情会冒犯到他。“你今年会来感恩节吗？”

What is this, Twenty Questions? The rapid-fire round? So much for redirecting the focus onto Hyunjin. “Uh, that’s not for a few months, but I guess I was planning on it,” Chan says. “Are—”
这是什么，二十个问题吗？快速问答环节？转移焦点转移到贤振身上的计划泡汤了。“嗯，那还有几个月，但我想我打算去，”Chris 说。“你—

“Bringing your girlfriend?”
“带你女朋友来了？”

“My… who?” Chan says. He might have assumed Hyunjin was joking, but Hyunjin doesn’t seem in a gaming mood, and even if he were joking, it’s not like Chan would be able to pick up on it. Not with him. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“我的…谁？”Chan 说道。他也许以为 Hyunjin 在开玩笑，但 Hyunjin 看起来并不是开玩笑的心情，即使他在开玩笑，Chan 也不会察觉得出来。不会和他。 “我没有女朋友。”

“I thought you brought one to Thanksgiving a couple years ago. When I was in Cabo with my aunt.”
“我记得你几年前感恩节的时候带了一个女朋友。我和我姨在卡波的时候。”

“Oh,” Chan says. “Oh.” That opportunity he’d been thinking about earlier—to make sure Hyunjin knows Chan’s on his team, as it were—it’s come sooner than he’d expected. Fuck it, then. Confirmation of kind—let’s go. “Yeah. I didn’t actually bring him. And anyway, we’re not together anymore. He, um. He had to move, and I just couldn’t do the long-distance thing, you know? I need to see someone every day to, y’know, remember they still like me.”
“哦，”Chan 说。“哦。”他之前一直在考虑的那个机会——确保 Hyunjin 知道 Chan 是站在他这边的，它来得比他预期的要早。那就算了。友好的确认——让我们开始吧。“是的。我其实并没有带他来。而且，我们也不在一起了。他，嗯。他不得不搬走，而我只是无法忍受远距离的事情，你知道吗？我需要每天见到某人，才能，你知道，记得他们仍然喜欢我。”

Too much information. Classic, classic TMI. Why had Chan kept talking? Why did his brain decide to spit those particular details out? He sounds pathetic, can’t even play it off as a joke, it’s too real. Across the table, Hyunjin has gone impossibly stonier, from porcelain to marble. Chan’s cheeks, in contrast, are hotter. There’s a difference between a casual no-big-deal come-out and whatever the hell that was. Already Chan can see the disdainful curl of Hyunjin’s lip, the cold toss of his hair, the cutting laugh building in his long throat. There’s no way Chan read Hyunjin wrong—he didn’t know him when he saw him, but in a way, he did. Why isn’t Hyunjin saying anything? Should Chan apologise? Yes, definitely. But for what?
信息量太大了。经典的，经典的信息过剩。为什么 Chan 还在继续说下去？为什么他的大脑决定吐露那些特定的细节？他听起来很可怜，甚至无法把它当作一个玩笑，太真实了。在桌子对面，Hyunjin 的表情变得无比冷漠，从瓷器变成大理石。相比之下，Chan 的脸颊更加发烫。一个随意的出柜和那到底是什么之间有着巨大的差距。Chan 已经能看到 Hyunjin 唇角的轻蔑弯曲，他冷漠的扔发，他长长的喉咙里那尖刻的笑声正在酝酿。Chan 看错了 Hyunjin 的可能性微乎其微——他并不认识他，但在某种程度上，他认识他。为什么 Hyunjin 什么都不说？Chan 应该道歉吗？是的，绝对应该。但为了什么呢？

“I’m the same way,” Hyunjin says quietly.
“我也是这样的，”贤真轻声说道。

What, needing to see someone every day to remember they still like him? Chan, internally, goggles a little at the thought. Not only that Hyunjin is still insecure, like he was when he was a kid, but also that—Hyunjin dates? Of course Hyunjin dates. Whom does he date? Is he dating right now? Chan is being as silent as Hyunjin had been just now, although his thoughts are almost certainly running down a different track.
需要每天见到某人才能记得他们还喜欢他吗？Chan 内心有点吃惊。不仅是贤真仍然像小时候那样不安，而且——贤真会约会吗？当然贤真会约会。他约会的对象是谁？他现在在约会吗？Chan 正像贤真刚才那样保持沉默，尽管他的想法肯定在另一个轨道上运行。

“But,” Hyunjin goes on, still quiet, “I don’t really date that much.”
“但是，”贤真继续说道，依然轻声，“我并不怎么约会。”

God, can he read minds? Chan fucking hopes not. He can’t even blame the mortified glow of his face on any alcohol. It’s all just his own fault again. “Oh?” is the most he can muster.
天啊，他能读心吗？陈他妈的希望不是。他甚至不能把脸上尴尬的红晕归咎于任何酒精。这全都是他自己的错。他只能勉强说出“哦？”。

Hyunjin shakes his head. He’s looking very intently at the can of cider. “There’s still,” he says, sounding far away, “someone I’m kind of hung up on.”
贤真摇了摇头。他专注地看着那听起来遥远的苹果酒罐。“还有一个人，”他说，“我还挺在意的。”

“Oh,” Chan says for the millionth time, exponentially dumber with each iteration. A nervous little laugh, and he puts on his best big-bro face, curling his arm to flex his delt and tricep. “You want me to beat him up for you?”
“哦，”陈第一百万次说道，每次说都显得更加愚蠢。他紧张地小笑了一下，然后摆出他最帅气的大哥模样，挺起胳膊展示他的三角肌和肱三头肌。“你要我帮你揍他吗？”

Hyunjin glances up at Chan and looks like he wants to die; Chan knows the expression is mirrored on his own face, and he un-flexes quickly. They both feebly grimace at each other until finally Hyunjin says, “Um, no,” sounding like the sullen teenager Chan had all but forgotten him as.
Hyunjin 抬头看了一眼 Chan，看起来他想死；Chan 知道这表情在他自己脸上也有，他迅速放松了。他们彼此无力地对视，直到最后 Hyunjin 说，“嗯，不”，听起来像 Chan 几乎忘记他是个忧郁的少年。

Point taken. Chan is still cringing. To cut the awkwardness, he half-blurts, “I’ll go if you go. How’s that?”
明白了。Chan 仍然在后悔。为了打破尴尬，他半嘟囔着说，“如果你去，我就去。怎么样？”

“What,” Hyunjin says, staring.
“什么”，Hyunjin 说着，凝视着。

Instead of cutting the awkwardness, Chan seems only to have doubled it. “Thanksgiving,” he clarifies, and gets up to clear the table.
相反，陈似乎只是让尴尬加倍。"感恩节，"他澄清道，然后起身收拾桌子。

Now it’s Hyunjin’s turn to say, “Oh,” and of course, he doesn’t move to help Chan with the bowls. He’s catatonic while upright, staring blankly at the grain of the table, and whatever burgeoning friendship or brotherhood was just building between them, Chan fervently hopes he hasn’t ruined it with his own big, clumsy mouth. He busies himself with rinsing out their dishes and depositing them in the dishwasher, and he grabs some plain yoghurt and frozen berries for dessert without thinking; he only notices he hasn’t asked Hyunjin if he’d like anything when he’s already sitting back down and doling both components out into the same bowl, only one, just for himself. His cheeks, again, heat with embarrassment; this situation is so discomfiting that it’s making him revert to an earlier version of his own personality, reflexively selfish.
现在轮到贤真说，“哦，”当然，他没有动手帮陈拿碗。他站着时像木偶一样僵硬，茫然地盯着桌子的纹理，而他们之间刚刚建立的友谊或兄弟情谊，陈热切地希望他没有用自己那张笨拙的大嘴毁掉它。他忙着冲洗他们的碗并把它们放入洗碗机，他拿了一些普通酸奶和冷冻浆果作为甜点，完全没有考虑；他只有在已经坐回去并把两种食物都倒在同一个碗里，只有一个，只为自己时才注意到他没有问贤真是否想要什么。他的脸颊再次因为尴尬而发热；这种情况让他回到了自己个性的早期版本，本能地自私。

“You can have as much as you want,” Chan says lamely, setting the finished bowl in the middle of their two placemats.
“你想吃多少就拿多少，”陈无奈地说着，把装满食物的碗放在他们两个餐垫的中间。

“Thank you,” Hyunjin says, his dark eyes tracking the movements of Chan’s hands.
“谢谢你，”贤智说道，他那双深邃的眼睛追踪着灿的手势。

“I lead a pretty bowl-based lifestyle,” Chan explains needlessly and idiotically, embarrassed of everything in his life, his home, his job, his food, in front of—who? Hyunjin? The kid who locked himself in a room for a week when he got a smedium zit in the middle of his forehead, the kid who pulled an all-nighter to study for his chemistry final and still barely scraped a B-, the kid who was too scared to learn how to drive even a golf cart? Hyunjin saw Chan through some pretty mortifying years, too. Chan never cared about impressing him then. Is it really that different now that he’s independent and gorgeous? (Yes, unfortunately. It is.)
“我过着一个以碗为基础的生活方式，”灿不必要地又愚蠢地解释道，对他生活中的一切感到尴尬，他的家，他的工作，他的食物，面对着谁呢？贤智？那个在额头长了颗小痘痘就关在房间里一个星期的孩子，那个为了化学期末考试通宵学习却勉强及格的孩子，那个连开高尔夫球车都害怕学的孩子？贤智也看到了灿经历的一些相当尴尬的岁月。当时灿从不在乎给他留下好印象。现在他独立又美丽了，难道现在就不一样了吗？（很不幸，是不一样了。）

“Clearly,” Hyunjin says. “显然，”贤智说道。

“That—I was joking.” “那个——我只是开玩笑。”

“I figured.” “我猜到了。”

Chan doesn’t know what to say to that. Is Hyunjin making fun of him? He just gets them a spoon each and returns. Hyunjin scoops himself a bite, choosing a frozen raspberry to go in it, and his lips pucker from the cold; Chan glances down and aside quickly so he doesn’t offend Hyunjin with his smile. He himself opts for a blackberry, and they finish off the rest in silence, alternating bites. Chan, pushing the near-empty bowl across the table, lets Hyunjin have the last piece of fruit: a strawberry, seeping pink into the yoghurt around it.
Chan 不知道该说什么。Hyunjin 是在取笑他吗？他只是给他们每人拿了一个勺子然后回来。Hyunjin 挖了一勺，选了一个冷冻的覆盆子放进去，嘴唇因寒冷而紧缩；Chan 快速地往下看了一眼，以免因微笑冒犯 Hyunjin。他自己选择了一个黑莓，然后他们默默地吃完了剩下的，轮流吃着。Chan 把几乎空了的碗推到桌子上，让 Hyunjin 吃掉最后一块水果：一个草莓，在周围的酸奶里渗出粉红色。

And then they just sit there, and no one’s said anything for a few minutes. Hyunjin’s earlier stream of questions seems to have dried up; Chan is still so mortified about, well, everything that he can’t even let his nervous energy propel words out of his throat. He’s a little paralyzed, even, staring at the empty bowl without making a single move to get up and clear the table for the second time.
然后他们就这样坐着，已经有几分钟没人说话了。Hyunjin 之前的一连串问题似乎已经停止了；Chan 仍然对之前发生的事感到尴尬，以至于他甚至无法让紧张的能量推动他说出话来。他有点麻痹了，甚至盯着空碗看，却没有一点动作去起身再次收拾桌子。

It had seemed like they were clicking, for a moment, earlier. Keeping up with Hyunjin is still difficult, nigh impossible, but at least there had been five to ten hostility-free minutes, no tension, not so fraught. Not anymore, though. He’d thought Hyunjin wanted to stick around before; not anymore. He’s not looking at Hyunjin right now, but he’s sure that if he did, he’d see Hyunjin fidgeting and searching for a clock, any excuse to tell Chan to take him home already, or maybe even call him an Uber so they won’t have to spend even an extra second together.
之前似乎他们之间有一瞬间的默契。跟上 Hyunjin 仍然困难，几乎不可能，但至少之前有五到十分钟没有敌意，没有紧张，没有那么紧张。但现在不是了。他之前以为 Hyunjin 想留下来；但现在不是了。他现在没有看着 Hyunjin，但他确定如果他看了，他会看到 Hyunjin 坐立不安，寻找时钟，找任何借口告诉 Chan 带他回家，或者甚至叫辆优步让他们不必多呆一秒。

The experiment has failed. Not time nor distance could make them get along. They’re simply not meant to be family—which is fine. Their parents’ relationship was never about them. They were strangers then, and they’re strangers now. The silence has dragged on for too long. Chan could hear a pin drop, Hyunjin’s heart beating. He risks an upward glance, but before he can even register the expression on Hyunjin’s face, Hyunjin’s perma-pouted lips open, and he says—
实验失败了。无论时间还是距离都无法让他们和睦相处。他们根本不是命中注定要成为一家人的人——这没关系。他们父母的关系从来都不是关于他们的。他们那时是陌生人，现在也是。沉默已经持续得太久了。灿能听到掉针的声音，贤真的心跳声。他冒险抬起头，但还没来得及看清贤真脸上的表情，贤真那总是噘着的嘴唇就张开了，他说——

“I thought you wouldn’t want to hear from me.”
“我以为你不想听我说话。”

Always full of surprises, this one. Hyunjin’s train of thought is a TGV, and Chan is trying his best to keep up on a broken-down handcar. “Pardon?” he says feebly.
这个人总是充满惊喜。贤真的思绪如同一列高速列车，而灿正在努力跟上一个破旧的手推车。“请原谅？”他虚弱地说道。

Hyunjin makes him wait for it; he takes a long sip of his cider while Chan squirms. “That’s why I didn’t contact you, or even let you know I was moving here,” he says, once he’s swallowed.
在这件事上，Hyunjin 让他等着；他一边慢慢地喝着苹果酒，一边看着 Chan 扭来扭去。“这就是为什么我没有联系你，甚至没有告诉你我搬到这里来的原因，”他说完后咽了口水。

“Because you thought I wouldn’t want to hear from you,” Chan clarifies, flummoxed. Hyunjin nods, leaned back in his chair and slouching. Chan frowns, and copies him, sipping his beer before responding. “What made you think that, though?”
“因为你觉得我不想听到你的消息，”Chan 搞不清楚地澄清道。Hyunjin 点点头，靠在椅子上懒散地坐着。Chan 皱起眉头，也效仿他，喝了口啤酒才回答。“但你为什么会这么想呢？”

“Are you kidding?” Hyunjin says. Flat. Two steps down from hostile. “Why would you want to hear from me?”
“你在开玩笑吗？”Hyunjin 说。语气平淡。比敌意少了两分。“你为什么会想听我的消息呢？”

He makes a good point. They had nearly a year of cohabitation to become close, and it never happened, so why would it be any different after years of separation? Sure, Hyunjin was a bit of a nightmare as a kid, but there’s a lot that makes Chan blush with shame when he remembers it, too. Hyunjin made a point of refusing to share his phone charger, even if Chan had less than 10% battery left, but Chan used the last of Hyunjin’s nice shampoo and didn’t have the decency to tell him it had run out. Hyunjin skipped Chan’s college graduation, but Chan skipped Hyunjin’s musical first. Hyunjin asked rude, invasive questions about Chan’s life, but Chan never showed any interest in him at all. They were both kids, is the point. And although they’re not anymore, nowhere near it, Chan can’t blame Hyunjin for judging him by his past. Hadn’t Chan done the same to him? “We can try again,” he says, his voice softer.
他说得有道理。他们几乎同住了一年，却没有变得亲近，所以在分开多年后，为什么会有所不同呢？当然，Hyunjin 小时候有点讨厌，但让 Chan 感到羞愧的事情也有很多。Hyunjin 坚决不肯分享他的手机充电器，即使 Chan 的电量不到 10%，但 Chan 却用完了 Hyunjin 的好洗发水，却没有告诉他已经用完了。Hyunjin 没有参加 Chan 的大学毕业典礼，但 Chan 也没有去参加 Hyunjin 的音乐首秀。Hyunjin 问了一些粗鲁、侵入性的问题关于 Chan 的生活，但 Chan 从来没有对他表现出任何兴趣。他们都是孩子，这是重点。尽管他们现在已经不是孩子了，离那个年纪远了，但 Chan 不能责怪 Hyunjin 根据他的过去来评判他。Chan 难道不也是这样对待过他吗？“我们可以再试一次，”他说，声音变得柔和。

Hyunjin’s mouth twists. “Can we?” he says, acidic.
Hyunjin 的嘴扭曲了。“我们可以吗？”他说，带着酸味。

“I wasn’t there for you,” Chan braves on. Saying it, getting that off his chest to the one person who’s the most directly affected, feels oddly like a relief. “I can be here for you now.”
“我没有在你身边，”Chan 鼓起勇气说。说出来，向受影响最直接的人倾诉，感觉有点像一种解脱。“我现在可以在你身边。”

“I don’t need anyone to be here for me,” Hyunjin mutters.
“我不需要任何人陪着我，”贤真嘟囔着说。

He looks a little surprised, though, that Chan is taking the blame on himself, but how could Chan do anything else? Hyunjin was—is—younger. Chan’s supposed to be the responsible one, the mature one. He’s proud of the life he’s built for himself, of everything he’s accomplished over the last few years. But one thing in his past sticks like a splinter, aching when he presses on it, radiating a sickly pain; that thing is Hyunjin. There was so much unkindness when they were young, even though they were only in each other’s lives for a few months. It doesn’t matter who struck first—both ended up scarred. And those scars can start healing, now. Chan looks across at Hyunjin, so familiar but so new, and he’s more determined than ever to bridge this gap, to try again, to care for him. He can put everything else aside. Hyunjin deserves it.
"他看起来有点吃惊，因为灿正在把责任推到自己身上，但灿还能做什么呢？贤真曾经是——现在还是——年幼的。灿应该是负责任的那个，成熟的那个。他为自己建立的生活感到自豪，为过去几年取得的一切成就感到自豪。但他过去的一件事像刺一样扎在他心头，按压时疼痛难忍；那件事就是贤真。在他们年幼时有太多的不友善，尽管他们只在彼此生活中短短几个月。谁先动手已经不重要——两人最终都留下了伤疤。现在这些伤疤可以开始愈合了。灿看着贤真，如此熟悉又如此陌生，比以往任何时候都更有决心去弥合这个鸿沟，再次尝试，照顾他。他可以把其他一切都放在一边。贤真值得。”

“Well,” Chan says, “I’m here for you whether you think you need it or not. Seriously, can we commit to, like—coffee? Lunch? Once a week?”
“嗯，”灿说，“无论你觉得自己需要还是不需要，我都会在这里支持你。说真的，我们能不能约定，比如——喝咖啡？吃午餐？每周一次？”

Nothing from Hyunjin, not even a bat of his long lashes.
连一丝 Hyunjin 的消息都没有，甚至他那长长的睫毛也没有眨动。

“I can shop at Prada,” Chan insists, smiling at the irony. “You can take some classes at my gym.” He’s getting ahead of himself, but he’s excited about these ideas, genuinely. He feels he owes it to some earlier versions of Hyunjin and himself to give this his all. But Hyunjin not only isn’t lighting up at these ideas, he’s closing off, slouching harder, lips pulling thin and displeased. “Or at least lunch,” Chan concedes, weakening. “Just—just keeping in touch. So we don’t fall out again.”
“我可以在 Prada 购物，” Chan 坚持道，微笑着讽刺自己。“你可以在我的健身房上课。”他有点心急，但对这些想法感到兴奋，真心实意。他觉得自己应该全力以赴，以此回报早期的 Hyunjin 和自己。但 Hyunjin 不仅对这些想法没有兴趣，而且开始封闭自己，更加低头，嘴唇变得薄而不悦。“或者至少吃个午餐，” Chan 让步道，有些软弱。“只是——只是保持联系。这样我们就不会再疏远了。”

“I don’t know, Chris,” Hyunjin says. He looks so tired again, like in the car on the way back here from the diner, like in the car on the way back home from seeing Kingsman: a time when it had been so good, and then, abruptly, for no discernible reason, Hyunjin slammed the barely-open door and left Chan in the dark.
“我不知道，Chris，” Hyunjin 说。他看起来又累又疲惫，就像在从餐馆回来的车上一样，就像在从看《王牌特工：金圈》回家的路上一样：那时一切都很美好，然后，突然间，毫无明显原因，Hyunjin 猛地关上了半开着的门，让 Chan 置身于黑暗之中。

Does that mean Chan should just give up? That’s not something he likes doing, ever. “But I want to,” he says. Looks at Hyunjin as openly, as honestly, as he can—even if that means an edge of that desire slivers through. “Really, I do.”
那是不是意味着灿应该放弃？这绝不是他喜欢做的事情。“但我想要，”他说。尽可能坦诚地看着贤津，即使这意味着渴望的边缘透露出来。“真的，我想要。”

Hyunjin has been very difficult to read this whole time—their entire lives—but his reaction to that is explicit: for whatever incomprehensible reason, he’s pissed. “Well, it’s not about getting what you want, is it,” he says, and crosses his arms.
贤津一直很难读懂——他们整个生命——但他对此的反应是明显的：出于无法理解的原因，他生气了。“嗯，这不是关于得到你想要的东西，对吧，”他说，双臂交叉在胸前。

Message heard loud and clear: Hyunjin is not interested in friendship, family, or anything else. Chan won’t give up, but he’ll at least back off, for now. Momentarily rendered speechless, as though slapped, he stares into their empty bowl for a moment, then accepts it, and nods. “It’s getting late,” he says. “I should take you home.”
明确传达的信息：贤津对友谊、家庭或其他任何事情都不感兴趣。灿不会放弃，但至少他会暂时退后一步。他一时无语，仿佛被打了一巴掌，盯着他们空空的碗片刻，然后接受了，并点了点头。“时间不早了，”他说。“我应该送你回家。”

Hyunjin’s up in a second, like he was waiting for that. Maybe he was. He brings the can of cider with him, though, and he’s still holding onto it when Chan meets him in the front hall after leaving their bowl in the sink to soak.
Hyunjin 立刻站起来，就像他在等待一样。也许他是。他带着苹果酒罐走了过来，当离开他们的碗在水池里浸泡后，Chan 在前厅遇见他时，他仍然握着罐子。

“You don’t have to drink it if you don’t like it,” Chan says.
“如果你不喜欢，你不必喝它，”Chan 说。

“I know,” Hyunjin responds, almost a snap.
“我知道，”Hyunjin 几乎是生硬地回答。

Shit, whatever Chan did, it really ticked him off. “Okay,” he shrugs.
该死，不管 Chris 做了什么，真的惹毛了他。“好吧，”他耸耸肩。

Hyunjin mutters, “I like it,” defensive as though Chan had tried to snatch the can from his hands.
贤真嘟囔道：“我喜欢它，”仿佛 Chris 试图从他手中抢走罐子一样，辩解道。

“Okay,” Chan says again, even more mildly, staying well away from him. Right now, all Chan can really do is appease Hyunjin and stay as neutral as possible. One wrong move, and he fears there’ll not even be anything to give up on, going forward.
“好吧，”Chris 再次说，更加温和，保持着与他的距离。此刻，Chris 真的只能安抚贤真，尽量保持中立。一举一动不慎，他担心未来甚至没有什么可以放弃的了。

Hyunjin keeps clutching the can as they leave the apartment and head back to the elevators. He has it cradled against his chest, practically, as they get back into the car. Chan has kept quiet, and Hyunjin is silent as stone, so when Chan starts the engine and pulls out his phone to get the GPS running, each noise reverberates almost painfully loudly. Without Chan’s having to ask, Hyunjin, still sounding stiff and nasal, provides an address that’s not far from Chan at all: even closer than the diner had been. At least this sure-to-be-painful drive won’t take too long. And it’s a shame, when the night had started off with so much potential. Hyunjin calling Chan in his time of need, trusting him to help. Everything since then has been so up and down that it’s making Chan dizzy and upset. Why does it have to be like this? Whose fault is it? Is “fault” even the right lens through which to examine whatever is going wrong here, has been going wrong since Chan’s mum and Hyunjin’s dad first fell in love? They don’t talk on the drive, and Chan has the radio off by default, so it’s just road noises and their silence. Chan wonders if he’ll see Hyunjin again, after this. Oddly, but inevitably, though Hyunjin has been mercurial and a little bit mean, Chan knows that he wants to. Part of it’s superficial; he likes being around beauty. But a greater part, a more significant part, wants to make amends. Wants to be there for Hyunjin like he wasn’t before. Wants to try it, just to try it, and see what happens.
Hyunjin 在离开公寓返回电梯时一直抱着罐子。当他们重新回到车里时，他几乎把罐子抱在胸前。Chan 保持沉默，而 Hyunjin 像石头一样沉默，所以当 Chan 启动引擎并拿出手机开启 GPS 时，每一个声音都回荡得几乎让人难以忍受。Hyunjin 毫不犹豫地提供了一个地址，离 Chan 并不远：甚至比餐馆还要近。至少这段注定会令人痛苦的车程不会太长。当夜晚以如此巨大的潜力开始时，这真是个遗憾。Hyunjin 在需要帮助的时候打电话给 Chan，信任他来帮忙。从那时起，一切都起起伏伏，让 Chan 感到头晕和不安。为什么要这样？是谁的错？“错”这个词是否是正确的视角来审视自从 Chan 的妈妈和 Hyunjin 的爸爸第一次相爱以来一直出现的问题？他们在车上不说话，Chan 默认关闭了收音机，所以只有路上的噪音和他们的沉默。Chan 想知道这之后他是否还会见到 Hyunjin。 奇怪的是，但不可避免的是，尽管贤真一直反复无常，有点刻薄，灿知道他想要。部分原因是肤浅的；他喜欢身边有美丽的事物。但更大的部分，更重要的部分，是想弥补过错。想像以前没有那样在贤真身边。想尝试一下，只是为了尝试一下，看看会发生什么。

Hyunjin’s apartment building suits him: it’s sleek and narrow. Not an area of town Chan is overly familiar with, because it’s a little above Chan’s paygrade, even now, but still, it’s not far. (He hates that he’s cataloguing that, even in his own mind. Not like anything’s going to come of it.) As they’re pulling up to the building and Chan begins to slow, searching for a place to come to a temporary halt to let Hyunjin out, something changes in Hyunjin’s demeanour. He goes from sullen in a languid way to upright, tense, alert. He’s looking around, but also shrinking, peering through the window even as he moves away from it. It’s very strange.
贤真的公寓楼很适合他：它既时尚又狭窄。这个区域对灿来说并不太熟悉，因为这有点超出了灿的收入水平，即使现在也是如此，但仍然不远。 （他讨厌自己在心里甚至在自己的脑海中记录这一点。就像什么都不会发生一样。）当他们驶向这栋楼，灿开始减速，寻找一个临时停车的地方让贤真下车时，贤真的神态发生了变化。他从一种懒散的郁闷状态变得挺直、紧张、警觉。他四处张望，但同时又在缩小，透过窗户看着外面，即使他远离窗户。这很奇怪。

“You alright?” Chan asks, gently. His mind races, and for some reason settles on—does Hyunjin have a controlling boyfriend who won’t like seeing him in a car with another man? But Chan will just explain that no, it’s not like that, Hyunjin is just his—but the boyfriend will see Chan, the way he’s looking at Hyunjin, and will look right through him. And then they’ll both be in trouble. Fuck. “Hyunjin?”
“你没事吧？”Chris 温柔地问道。他的脑海里飞速思考着，不知为何想到了——Hyunjin 是不是有一个控制欲强的男朋友，不喜欢看到他和另一个男人在一辆车里？但 Chris 会解释说，不，不是那样的，Hyunjin 只是他的一个朋友——但男朋友会看到 Chris，看他看着 Hyunjin 的样子，透过他的眼神。然后他们俩都会惹上麻烦。该死。“Hyunjin？”

“It’s just that he took my wallet,” Hyunjin says, voice small. “My ID has my address on it.”
“只是他拿走了我的钱包，”Hyunjin 声音微弱地说。“我的身份证上有我的地址。”

Chan’s heart sinks. How can he keep being so fucking selfish and disgusting—objectifying Hyunjin again, imagining some perverted knight-in-shining-armour scenario, when Hyunjin is literally still traumatised from his near-death experience earlier? Hyunjin deserves so much better. “I’ll walk you in,” he promises. “Can I park here?”
Chris 的心一沉。他怎么能继续如此自私和恶心——再次将 Hyunjin 物化，想象出一些变态的白马王子场景，当 Hyunjin 仍然因为之前的临死经历而受创时？Hyunjin 应该得到更好的对待。“我会陪你进去，”他承诺。“我可以停这儿吗？”

Hyunjin turns those startled doe eyes on Chan. “Sure, but—Chris, you don’t have to, it’s okay.”
Hyunjin 将那双惊讶的小鹿般的眼睛转向 Chan。“当然，但是——Chris，你不必这样，没关系。”

“Better safe than sorry,” Chan says, shaking his head, filling into a parking spot on the street, and all Hyunjin does next to him is exhale a quiet, shaky sigh.
“安全第一，免得后患无穷，”Chan 说着，摇着头，把车停在街边的一个停车位上，而坐在他旁边的 Hyunjin 只是轻声地、颤抖地呼出一口气。

It’s very late at night by now—well past Chan’s typical bedtime. But he’s never been more alert. As Chan turns the car off, Hyunjin unbuckles his seatbelt, and Chan stills him with a hand across the car, looking around the dimly-lit area where he’d just parked. “Chris,” Hyunjin says, neither reproachful nor mocking, just quiet.
现在已经很晚了——远远超过了 Chan 通常的就寝时间。但他从未如此警觉。当 Chan 熄火时，Hyunjin 解开安全带，Chan 用一只手顿住他，环顾四周，看着他刚刚停车的昏暗区域。“Chris，”Hyunjin 说，既不责备也不嘲笑，只是轻声说道。

“Just—give it a second,” Chan murmurs. “What’d he look like?”
“等一下，” 陈低声说道。“他长什么样？”

“I didn’t really have time to catalogue his whole appearance while he had me at knifepoint,” Hyunjin snips, but subdues himself right away: “But he was… I don’t know. Shorter than me, wearing a windbreaker. Sneakers.”
“他拿着刀子指着我，我哪有时间仔细看他长什么样，” 现在，贤真嘟囔着说道：“但他…我不知道。比我矮，穿着风衣。运动鞋。”

That’s not much of a description. Still, there’s no one matching it on the street surrounding Hyunjin’s apartment. “Alright,” Chan says. He takes his hand back so Hyunjin can finish unbuckling himself. “Let’s go.”
这描述得太模糊了。然而，在贤真公寓周围的街道上并没有符合这个描述的人。“好吧，” 陈说道。他把手收了回去，让贤真自己解开安全带。“我们走吧。”

Hyunjin keeps his head ducked a bit as they walk the short distance between Chan’s car and the door of the apartment. By unspoken agreement, Chan goes into the building with him, and under normal circumstances he might be impressed by the marble floors in the lobby and the cool, smooth recessed lighting, but he’s just got his eye on every shadow, where Hyunjin’s mugger might be lurking. Hyunjin is taller, his stride must be longer, but Chan is keeping pace with him until they make it into the elevator without incident. It’s heartening that the elevator, at least, is pretty much identical to the one in Chan’s building.
在他们走从 Chan 的车到公寓门之间的短距离时，Hyunjin 把头稍微低了一点。毫无言语约定，Chan 跟着他一起进了大楼，通常情况下，他可能会对大堂里的大理石地板和凉爽、光滑的嵌入式灯光感到印象深刻，但他只是盯着每一个阴影，Hyunjin 的抢劫者可能潜伏在哪里。Hyunjin 个子更高，步幅可能更长，但 Chan 一直跟着他，直到他们顺利进入电梯。令人振奋的是，至少电梯几乎和 Chan 楼里的电梯一模一样。

They both look up to watch the numbers click to six. “Thanks,” Hyunjin says, and when Chan, surprised, turns his head to see him, Hyunjin’s face is neutral, eyes fixed on the shifting floors.
他们都抬头看着数字跳到六。“谢谢，”Hyunjin 说，当 Chan 惊讶地转过头看到他时，Hyunjin 的脸是中立的，眼睛盯着变化的地板。

“For what?” Chan asks, bemused.
“谢谢什么？”Chan 问，感到困惑。

“Tonight,” Hyunjin says, and it turns out there is a difference after all: his elevator is faster than Chan’s, so here they are, on six, and Hyunjin goes out and to the left, with nary a cautionary peek out the doors for muggers first, and all Chan can do is follow.
「今晚，」贤真说，结果证明还是有区别的：他的电梯比灿的快，所以他们现在在六楼，贤真走出去，向左走，完全没有先往门外窥探一下有没有小偷的警惕眼神，而灿只能跟在后面。

He’s still holding the can of cider. Is there really that much left? Chan would be a little endeared by that if he weren’t keeping a protective eye out as, together, they head down the hallway past nondescript but expensive-looking doors to the one at the very end. Of course Hyunjin has the corner unit. Just as Chan starts worrying about whether Hyunjin’s keys got stolen, too, he sees the keypads above the handle on each door. Of course.
他还拿着一罐苹果酒。里面真的还有那么多吗？如果不是因为他一直保持警惕，他可能会对此有点感动，因为他们一起走过那条走廊，经过一扇普通但看起来很昂贵的门，一直走到最后一扇门。当然贤真住在角落的单位。就在灿开始担心贤真的钥匙也被偷走时，他看到了每扇门把手上方的键盘。当然。

When they reach the last door before the corner, Hyunjin finally slows, and it’s as if he remembers Chan is there, and why Chan is there; he turns back, and for a second, he looks lost, thumb halting over the three on the keypad. “I’m good from here,” he says.
当他们走到角落前的最后一扇门时，贤真终于放慢了脚步，仿佛他想起了灿在那里，以及灿为什么在那里；他转身，一瞬间，他看起来有些迷茫，大拇指停在键盘上的数字三上。「我自己进去就好了，」他说。

“Are you?” Chan says. He looks back, too, over his shoulder. They’re the only ones in the hall. It must be 1 AM by now. And to Hyunjin again, who, when Chan had turned away, had keyed in his code and is now holding the door open, neither in nor out. “Do you feel safe?”
“你呢？”Chan 说道。他也回头看了看，他们是大厅里唯一的人。现在可能已经是凌晨 1 点了。再次对准着 Hyunjin，当 Chan 转身离开时，他输入了密码，现在正拉着门，既不进也不出。“你感觉安全吗？”

“I’m fine,” Hyunjin says.
“我没事，”Hyunjin 说道。

He looks trapped, though, like he wants out. Or in, as it were. Chan’s chest clenches with worry. “Will you text or call me if anything feels wrong, though?” he presses, gently. “Ah, fuck—no phone. Um. I don’t know, just—”
尽管他说没事，但看起来他感到困扰，好像想要逃离。或者说，想要进入。Chan 的胸口因担忧而紧绷。“如果有什么不对劲的感觉，你会发短信或打电话给我吗？”他轻声追问。“啊，该死—没有手机。嗯。我不知道，只是—

“Chris, seriously, I’m fine,” Hyunjin insists. “He’s not here, and I’m fine. You can just go.”
“Chris，我真的没事，”Hyunjin 坚持道。“他不在这里，我没事。你可以走了。”

He’s turned, and now he’s inching his way back into his apartment, his hand snaking in to flick on the front room light and his body blocking most of the view of what lies beyond. But something flares up in Chan. Either preemptively doing reconnaissance for his mum, who will surely ask about all the details if or when he tells her about this little misadventure, or just satisfying his own nosiness. When they were younger, Hyunjin had always been protective of the sanctity of his room in a way that seemed to go above and beyond that of a usual teenager. As a result, Chan barely ever saw it, whereas Hyunjin was always barging into his room to ask if Chan would order a pizza for them on a Saturday morning. How is he living now? His room before was always tidy and decorated in dark tones, practically pristine compared to Chan’s creative chaos. But was that just his dad keeping him in line—is he messy, now that he’s flown the nest? Chan’s curious.
他转身，慢慢地走回公寓，伸手打开前厅的灯，身体挡住了大部分视野。但是 Chris 内心升起了一股冲动。他是在为他妈妈做预先侦察，如果或者当他告诉她这次小冒险的细节，她肯定会问的，还是只是满足了自己的好奇心。在他们年轻的时候，Hyunjin 总是以一种超越一般青少年的方式保护他房间的神圣性。结果，Chris 几乎从未见过，而 Hyunjin 则总是闯进他的房间问 Chris 是否会在周六早上为他们订披萨。他现在过得怎么样？他以前的房间总是整洁并装饰成暗色调，与 Chris 的创意混乱相比几乎是一尘不染。但那只是他爸爸让他守规矩吗？他现在搬出去后是不是变得邋遢了？Chris 好奇心大起。

So he can’t help himself. Hyunjin hasn’t blocked everything. Chan tilts his head, cranes his neck just a bit, and takes a peek.
所以他控制不住自己。Hyunjin 没有把一切都挡住。Chris 侧头，稍微伸长脖子，偷偷看了一眼。

“Chris—” “克里斯—”

“Hang on,” Chan says, eyes narrowing like he’s trying to zoom and enhance what he’s seeing. “Is that—”
“等等，” 昌说，眼睛眯起来，就像他在试图放大和增强他所看到的东西一样。“那是—”

“I can explain,” Hyunjin says, all in a rush.
“我可以解释，” 炫辰急忙说道。

So it is what it looks like, then: the dorkiest thing Chan’s ever done in his entire career (so far), stuck up on proud display on Hyunjin’s enormous chrome refrigerator. It had taken a few months of cajoling from the other partners and a targeted voting campaign by the gym’s clients before Chan would even consider participating. But they wore him down in the end, and the final result wasn’t as bad as he’d feared; in the entire TIMBERWOLF FITNESS PRESENTS: Wolf Gang Hunks 2022 Pinup Calendar, he only appears once, as the topless, smouldering coverhunk for the month of October. Which is the page Hyunjin has it hung open to. On his fridge. In July.
所以事情就是看起来的样子：陈在他整个职业生涯中（到目前为止）做过的最傻的事情，挂在贤真巨大的铬冰箱上自豪地展示着。在其他合作伙伴的一番劝说和健身房客户的有针对性的投票活动之后，陈才考虑参加。但最终他们打动了他，最终的结果并没有他担心的那么糟糕；在整个“TIMBERWOLF FITNESS PRESENTS: 狼群帅哥 2022 年挂历”中，他只出现了一次，作为十月份的赤膊、炽热的封面帅哥。而贤真把它挂在了冰箱上。七月份。

Chan’s jaw has dropped a little, and Hyunjin is talking, rambling: “My friends are so—annoying, like, I mentioned you one time or something and then they started snooping, and actually, one of them’s a member? At your gym? So they got this for me as a gag gift because they thought it was super funny, but I never thought it was funny, I just—haven’t gotten around to taking it down. No, you know what, I did take it down one time, and then the next time they came over, they put it right back up. So annoying. And I told them to leave you alone, but—”
"陈的下巴微微下垂，而贤真正在说话，絮絮叨叨地说：“我的朋友们真是—烦人，就像，我有一次提到了你，然后他们就开始打探，实际上，他们中的一个是健身房的会员？所以他们给我买了这个作为一个恶作剧礼物，因为他们觉得这很有趣，但我从来没觉得有趣，我只是—还没来得及把它拿下来。不，你知道吗，有一次我确实把它拿下来了，然后下次他们来的时候，他们又把它挂了回去。太烦人了。我告诉他们别再打扰你了，但是—”

Chan isn’t really listening. There are other things on Hyunjin’s fridge; now that Hyunjin, in his panic, has stepped back into his apartment, the view of the kitchen (not at all tiny like Hyunjin had complained) is much clearer. There’s a postcard of the Sydney Opera House, and a shopping list, and a magnet version of some Monet water lilies, and Chan’s calendar is right in the middle of it. He makes eye contact with himself, and when he looks up at Hyunjin again, it just clicks, and for once he just knows: Hyunjin is lying. And Chan knows exactly why.
陈并没有真正倾听。贤真的冰箱上还有其他东西；现在，贤真惊慌失措地走回公寓，厨房的景象（一点也不像贤真抱怨的那样小）变得更加清晰。上面有一张悉尼歌剧院的明信片，一个购物清单，以及莫奈的睡莲的冰箱贴，而陈的日历正好在中间。他与自己对视，当他再次看向贤真时，一切就豁然开朗了，这一次他只是知道：贤真在撒谎。而陈清楚地知道为什么。

“Hyunjin,” he interrupts, starting to smile. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it, it’s okay. I get it.”
“Hyunjin，”他打断，开始微笑。“没关系。别担心，没关系。我明白。”

Hyunjin’s mouth moves for a few more syllables, voiceless. He closes it, frowns, and tilts his head slightly. His cheeks are an uneven red. “You… do?”
Hyunjin 的嘴巴动了几个音节，无声地。他闭上嘴，皱起眉头，微微歪着头。他的脸颊泛着一抹不均匀的红晕。“你……明白？”

“Yes,” Chan says, smiling wider. “Hyunjin, seriously, you should have just said. I know, I know why you didn’t reach out, but—it couldn’t have hurt to just try!”
“是的，”Chan 笑得更开心了。“Hyunjin，说真的，你应该直接说出来。我知道，我知道你为什么没有联系我，但是——试一试也不会有什么坏处！”

“Try what?” Hyunjin says, and crosses his arms, hugging himself.
“试什么？”贤真说着，交叉双臂，紧紧拥抱自己。

Now that Chan gets it, he feels comfortable enough to cross over into Hyunjin’s apartment, rapturous happiness and relief cutting through his earlier guilt and worry. Realisations are tumbling like dominoes; he can barely keep up with them all as they topple. “You’re just shy,” he concludes, awed, endeared, then works backwards to explain, feeling a bit like a conspiracy theorist: “You—you’re probably the one that’s the member at my gym. That’s how you knew I was off tomorrow! Because I didn’t tell you that, did I? You know that because you come in on days that I’m not there, right? And—and! You called your friend from my phone, but you said you don’t know anyone else’s number. You called me specifically because—because you just wanted to see me! Because you do want me in your life!”
现在灿明明白了，他感到足够自在，跨进了贤真的公寓，狂喜和宽慰冲破了先前的愧疚和担忧。领悟像多米诺骨牌一样倾泻而出；他几乎跟不上它们一个个倒下的速度。“你只是害羞，”他得出结论，敬畏、喜爱，然后倒推解释，感觉有点像一个阴谋论者：“你——你可能是我健身房的会员之一。这就是你知道我明天不上班的原因！因为我没有告诉过你，对吧？你知道是因为你在我不在的日子来，对吧？而且！你用我的手机打电话给你朋友，但你说你不知道其他人的号码。你特意给我打电话，因为——因为你只是想见我！因为你确实希望我出现在你的生活中！”

In his excitement, he’s gotten a bit loud, so he pushes the door closed behind him. It’s late, after all, he doesn’t want to wake Hyunjin’s neighbours with these fraternal epiphanies. Hyunjin, for his part, has gone from unevenly red to pale, his arms tighter than ever around his own body, and he’s not saying a fucking word.
他兴奋之余有些大声，于是他把门推上。毕竟已经很晚了，他不想用这些兄弟般的顿悟吵醒贤真的邻居们。至于贤真，他从脸颊不均匀的红晕变得苍白，双臂比以往更紧，一言不发。

So Chan charges forth. “This whole time, I thought you hated me, but you’ve just been too shy to reach out and admit that you do want us to be close. But I want that, too, Hyunjin! I was always open to being your brother. I know I wasn’t there for you, like I said, and I’m sorry for that, I am. We can fix that now. You don’t have to sneak around and pretend like you don’t care about me. I care about you, too. I’ve been worrying about you this entire time, even when I didn’t know it. I’m so glad you called me, Hyunjin. Now we can start over. We can—”
所以灿冲了出去。“这段时间以来，我一直以为你讨厌我，但其实你只是太害羞了，不敢伸手承认你确实想要我们亲近。但我也想要这样，Hyunjin！我一直都愿意做你的兄弟。我知道我没有像我说过的那样陪伴你，对此我很抱歉，真的。我们现在可以弥补这一点。你不必偷偷摸摸地假装不在乎我。我也在乎你。这段时间以来，即使我不知道，我一直在担心你。Hyunjin，你打电话给我，我感到很高兴。现在我们可以重新开始。我们可以——”

“No.” “不。”

Chan chokes on a half-word and coughs. Hyunjin is glaring down at him, sharp elbows jutting out of his sides like wings. (Chan belatedly realises that Hyunjin’s left his jacket at Chan’s place. An excuse to see him again, maybe?) “No?” Chan tries, a bit embarrassed now that the rug has been yanked out from under him. “What part?”
灿被半个词噎住，咳嗽起来。Hyunjin 怒视着他，尖锐的肘部像翅膀一样突出。（灿事后意识到 Hyunjin 把夹克留在了灿的地方。也许这是再次见到他的借口？）“不？”灿试着说，有点尴尬，现在地毯被从他脚底下拉走了。 “哪一部分？”

“All of it,” Hyunjin says. His jaw works tightly and, in contrast with the sudden pallor of his cheeks, his eyes look even darker. It’s not quite anger—not quite hurt—it’s an expression Chan has never seen on anyone’s face before. “You’re wrong. That’s not what I want.”
「全部都是」Hyunjin 说。他的下巴紧绷着，与他脸颊突然苍白形成鲜明对比，他的眼睛看起来更加深邃。这不完全是愤怒，也不完全是受伤，这是陈从未在任何人脸上见过的表情。「你错了。那不是我想要的。」

Although his expression is unfamiliar, this reaction is a little easier to recognise; Hyunjin always gets very mean when he’s defensive. Chan remembers that. He can placate him down from this, though, he can talk him down. They’re on the same page. He just has to catch Hyunjin before Hyunjin runs away again. He can put his own selfish, inappropriate feelings aside for good, for Hyunjin. He can. He will. It’s the right thing to do. “Whatever you do want, then, let’s make it happen,” he tries, softer.
尽管他的表情陌生，这种反应却更容易辨认出来；Hyunjin 在自卫时总是变得刻薄。陈记得这一点。他可以安抚他，可以让他冷静下来。他们是站在同一边的。他只需要在 Hyunjin 再次逃跑之前赶上他。他可以为了 Hyunjin 把自己的自私、不恰当的感情放在一边，永远放在一边。他可以。他会。这才是正确的事情。「那么，无论你想要什么，我们就让它发生吧，」他试着说得柔声一些。

“No,” Hyunjin repeats, even more firmly than he’d snapped it before. “You have it all wrong. I’m not some—some Disney Channel family-friendly misunderstood antagonist, shoving the hero into a locker while secretly wishing I could sit with him at lunch. This isn’t a wholesome story about second chances and redemption. It’s nothing like that.”
「不，」Hyunjin 重复道，比之前更加坚定。「你完全误会了。我不是什么——某种迪士尼频道那种家庭友好的被误解的反派，把英雄推进储物柜，暗地里却希望能和他一起吃午餐。这不是一个关于第二次机会和救赎的健康故事。一点也不像那样。」

Chan is getting lost. Hyunjin is slipping through his fingers. He wavers; could he really have been wrong? But what’s the explanation, then, for Hyunjin’s weird behaviour—treating Chan like he’s oil and Chan’s water while clearly keeping very close tabs on his life? “Then… what is it like?” he asks.
灿正迷失了方向。贤真渐行渐远。他犹豫了一下；难道自己真的错了吗？但是，那么，贤真奇怪的行为是怎么解释的呢——对待灿正如同水和油一般，却明显密切关注着他的生活？“那么…到底是怎么回事？”他问道。

“Seriously?” Hyunjin says. Fuck, he’s fuming, Chan can see it now. “Are you serious, Chris?”
“真的吗？”贤真说。该死，他在发火，灿正现在看得出来。“你是认真的，克里斯？”

“I am,” Chan says, helpless, “I am, I want to try, I want to help, if you’d—”
“我是的，”灿正无助地说，“我是的，我想试试，我想帮忙，如果你愿意的话——”

“Just let me,” Hyunjin says, his eyes suddenly wild. “Just let me—”
“让我来吧，”贤真说，他的眼睛突然变得狂野。“就让我——”

He moves like a viper strike, and Chan flinches, thinking for a moment that Hyunjin is going to hit him. But there’s no impact other than the rapid pressure of Hyunjin’s bony arms wrapping around his shoulders. A hug, tight and a little frantic. Hyunjin is tall and trembling. The closest their bodies have ever been. And Chan doesn’t want Hyunjin to fall or to hate him, and he wants to prove that they can do this, and his arms fit so naturally around Hyunjin’s waist, his slender middle. He holds him, and Hyunjin trembles harder, so Chan holds him tighter until, after the strongest shudder yet, his trembling begins to subside.
他动作迅捷如蝰蛇袭击，灿稍稍畏缩，一时间以为贤真要打他。但除了贤真瘦弱的双臂紧紧地搂住他的肩膀外，没有其他冲击。一个紧紧的拥抱，有些慌乱。贤真高大而颤抖。他们身体之间最接近的时刻。灿不想让贤真摔倒或恨他，他想证明他们能做到，他的手臂自然地环绕在贤真纤细的腰部。他抱着他，贤真颤抖得更厉害，于是灿抱得更紧，直到在最强烈的颤抖之后，他的颤抖开始缓解。

Chan doesn’t understand. He fears he never will. Does he have to understand Hyunjin, though, or does he just have to accept him? This is nice. It’s so nice. Couldn’t they have been doing this the whole time? Hyunjin’s head is buried in Chan’s shoulder, their lungs are pressed together through their ribcages and shirts. When Hyunjin breathes for the first time in what feels like minutes, it almost sounds like he’s starting to cry again; his chest is occasionally wracked by something. He’s so narrow in Chan’s grip, like he’s made of paper, crumpling. Chan unfolds one of his palms to press it against Hyunjin’s back, to the narrowest point of his waist. He closes his eyes. Hyunjin makes another quiet sobbing noise, and Chan hurts—for Hyunjin, for himself, mostly for Hyunjin.
陈不明白。他害怕自己永远也不会明白。不过，他是不是必须要理解贤辰，还是只需要接受他呢？这很美好。太美好了。他们一直都可以这样做吗？贤辰的头埋在陈的肩膀上，他们的肺通过肋骨和衬衫相互压在一起。当贤辰感觉像是分钟过去了才呼吸一次时，他几乎听起来像是又开始哭了；他的胸膛偶尔会被什么东西撕扯。他在陈的怀抱中显得如此纤细，就像是纸张一样褶皱。陈展开其中一只手掌，轻轻按在贤辰的背上，到他腰部最细的地方。他闭上了眼睛。贤辰发出另一个轻轻的啜泣声，陈心痛——为了贤辰，为了自己，大部分是为了贤辰。

Chan can’t think of the last time anyone held him like this, if ever. Hyunjin’s grip is so unwavering, like Chan’s the only person Hyunjin’s ever wanted to hold. Serpentine, he has Chan encircled. Chan’s shoulder feels a little wet where Hyunjin’s face is pressed into it. Leftover terror from getting mugged? Distress over Chan incorrectly interpreting all his past and present actions? Chan can’t fathom him. All he can do right now is hold him, breathe in, breathe out.
陈很难想起有人像这样抱过他，或许从来没有。Hyunjin 的握力如此坚定，就像 Hyunjin 想要抱的人只有陈一样。他环绕着陈，就像一条蛇一样。Hyunjin 脸贴在陈的肩膀上，陈感觉有点湿。是因为被抢劫的恐惧吗？还是因为陈错误地解读了他过去和现在的所有行动？陈无法理解他。他现在能做的就是抱着他，呼吸，呼气。

“It’s okay,” he murmurs, nonsensical but sincere. So quiet, but Hyunjin is right next to his voicebox, he’ll hear it. “It’ll be okay, Hyunjin.”
“没关系，”他低声说，虽然毫无意义但却真诚。声音很轻，但 Hyunjin 就在他的喉咙旁边，他会听到的。“没事的，Hyunjin。”

“Tell me it’s not that big of a deal,” Hyunjin breathes unsteadily.
“告诉我这不是什么大不了的事，”Hyunjin 喘着气说。

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Chan answers right away, although he has no idea what it even is. Hyunjin, this Hyunjin, his Hyunjin, Chan would do anything for him.
“这不是什么大不了的事情，” 陈立即回答，尽管他根本不知道这是什么。这个贤振，他的贤振，陈愿意为他做任何事情。

“Tell me I’ll get over it.”
“告诉我我会克服的。”

“You’ll get over it.” “你会克服的。”

“Never mind,” Hyunjin says at normal volume, shockingly loud from how close they are, and moves in Chan’s grip like he’s going to pull away. “You’re just making it worse.”
“算了吧，” 灏晉以正常音量说道，从他们的距离来看，这声音听起来异常响亮，然后在灿的控制下动了动，仿佛要挣脱。“你只是让情况变得更糟。”

Hyunjin’s flicked match lands in Chan’s powder barrel. “Jesus, what did I do to make you hate me this much?” Chan demands, and Hyunjin emits a breathy, hysterical noise and pulls away in earnest, and as they unseal from each other, Hyunjin goes left, Chan goes right, and there’s something about the angle, something about the way Hyunjin had his face tucked so deceptively sweetly into Chan’s shoulder—or maybe it’s Chan, how he’d had to lift his chin to accommodate Hyunjin’s taller frame—or maybe Hyunjin was going in for it. Or maybe Chan was. And it only lasts a split-second, anyway; the barest brush of lip on lip. It’s less intimate than sharing the bowl of fruit earlier, than drinking out of the same bottle. Chan doesn’t even get a taste of him. But it’s enough to pull Chan’s head out from under the water, and he gasps, apology springing to his lips, but—
灏晉点燃的火柴落在了灿的火药桶里。“天啊，我到底做了什么让你这么讨厌我的事？” 灿问道，灏晉发出一声喘息的、歇斯底里的声音，认真地挣脱开来，当他们从彼此身边分开时，灏晉向左走，灿向右走，有一种角度，有一种方式，灏晉把脸藏得那么甜蜜地埋在灿的肩膀里——或许是灿，他不得不抬起下巴以适应灏晉更高的身材——或许是灏晉正在靠近。或许是灿在靠近。反正只持续了一瞬间；唇唇相触的瞬间。比起之前一起分享水果碗，一起喝同一瓶饮料，这更不算亲密。灿甚至没尝到他的味道。但这足以让灿的头从水下抬起，他喘着气，道歉的话要脱口而出，但是——

Hyunjin’s grip on Chan’s shoulders immediately gets vise-tight. Chan can feel him; he gets hard so fast it’s like he flipped a switch. “Finally,” Hyunjin whines, and then, “oh, please—” and all Chan can do is the only thing he’s never tried: kiss him, on purpose this time.
Hyunjin 紧紧抓住 Chan 的肩膀。Chan 能感觉到他；他变得硬得如此迅速，就像他打开了一个开关。“终于，”Hyunjin 抱怨道，然后说，“哦，请——” 而 Chan 能做的唯一一件事就是他从未尝试过的事情：有意地吻他。

And, miraculously, inevitably, it works.
奇迹般地，不可避免地，这起作用了。

Hyunjin kisses like he’s trying to climb inside Chan. Chan has to hold him back, one hand digging fingers into his waist, the other flashing up to grip the nape of his neck. He’d bite through Chan’s lip otherwise, he’d send them both crashing to the floor. Hyunjin is panting and whimpering and Chan can’t stop kissing him, fascinated, twisted by his own desire. He turns him, pushes Hyunjin up against the door, and Hyunjin sobs into his mouth, hauling Chan closer, pulling at his shirt, his hair, his arms. He’s pressed back, crowded entirely with no room to run or even squirm, and if the way he inhales as Chan tongues into his mouth is anything to go by, he likes it like this. He doesn’t resist. He just gives while Chan takes. All sweet, no sour. Like he’s finally, finally getting everything he’s ever wanted.
Hyunjin 亲吻的方式就像他试图爬进 Chan 的身体里。Chan 必须拉住他，一只手指甲深深地插进他的腰部，另一只手迅速抓住他脖子的后颈。否则他会咬穿 Chan 的嘴唇，他们俩会一起摔倒在地板上。Hyunjin 喘着气，呜咽着，而 Chan 无法停止亲吻他，着迷，被自己的欲望扭曲。他转过身，把 Hyunjin 推到门上，Hyunjin 在他的嘴里啜泣，拉着 Chan 更近，拉扯他的衬衫，他的头发，他的手臂。他被压制着，完全被挤得无处可逃，甚至无法挣扎，如果他在 Chan 的嘴里舌尖进入时吸气的方式是什么意思，那就是他喜欢这样。他没有抵抗。他只是给予，而 Chan 则接受。全是甜的，没有一点酸。就像他终于，终于得到了他想要的一切。

His lips are even softer than they look, but underneath, beyond, he’s sloppy with his tongue and teeth. He tastes of salt—he really was crying again. He’s moaning, gasping, trying to spread his legs or wrap one around Chan’s hips, but Chan won’t let him move—he cages him in tighter, digs his thumbs into the razor-sharp jut of Hyunjin’s hipbones, kisses him with an upward jerk of his head to get Hyunjin’s chin tilted up, and when it works, he can break off, press in to kiss his neck instead as Hyunjin’s hands make a mess of Chan’s hair. What is he doing? Hyunjin’s skin is so soft; he makes a noise like a mewl when Chan mouths under his ear. Chan is never like this—his sex is always playful, sensual, respectful. A little slow, even when it’s hot. It’s certainly never been like this, a mad grapple for power—Hyunjin’s hands wringing helplessly at the fabric of Chan’s shirt over his shoulders until finally he gets enough leverage to push him away, and then strip himself near-naked in seconds. And Chan doesn’t even have time to look at him—he’s too frantic, too. He just sways right back in, slides his arm tight around Hyunjin’s waist, squeezes him, and Hyunjin kisses him with an open mouth and leaps, all his beautiful long limbs wrapping around Chan’s sturdy body and clinging, stubborn, for dear life.
他的嘴唇甚至比看起来更柔软，但在底下，更深处，他的舌头和牙齿却有些笨拙。他嘴里带着咸味——他真的又在哭了。他在呻吟、喘息，试图张开双腿或者用一条缠绕在灿的臀部，但灿不让他动——他把他困得更紧，用拇指刺进贴着虹霓骨的锋利部位，用头向上一甩让虹霓的下巴抬起，当这招奏效时，他就能停下来，转而亲吻虹霓的脖子，虹霓的手搅乱了灿的头发。他在做什么？虹霓的皮肤是如此柔软；当灿在他耳朵下亲吻时，他发出了类似猫叫的声音。灿从未这样过——他的性格总是玩味、感性、尊重的。即使在热情时也有点慢。它绝对从未像现在这样，为了权力而疯狂搏斗——虹霓无助地在灿肩上的衬衫上揉搓，直到最后他终于得到足够的支撑力将他推开，然后在几秒钟内脱得几乎一丝不挂。而灿甚至没有时间看他——他太过狂乱，太过焦急。 他只是重新回到了他的怀抱，紧紧地搂住 Hyunjin 的腰，紧紧地挤压着他，Hyunjin 张开嘴巴亲吻他，然后跳跃起来，他所有美丽修长的肢体缠绕在 Chan 结实的身体上，顽固地紧紧抓住，不肯放开。

Chan grabs at him. Chan can’t stop kissing him. Chan carries him, and makes it as far as the literal kitchen table before what Hyunjin is now doing—biting his ear, what the fuck—gets to be too much, and he drops Hyunjin there, spare keys and sunglasses and vape carts clattering, so he can press Hyunjin down and back, while Hyunjin’s spine arches like a bow and the long, hard arrow of him in his Prada briefs points straight at Chan. He’s raking his claws down Chan’s arms and Chan thinks he hears a seam tear as Hyunjin yanks at his shirt to make him take it off. Once that’s over his head and landing on the floor, Chan catches just a second of eye contact; Hyunjin’s gaze is fucking molten, Vesuvius oozing down itself to destroy Pompeii, but then his face is too close to see—his grip is tight on the back of Chan’s neck as he hauls him down, grappling, legs around his waist again to insistently pull Chan into him.
Chan 抓住他。Chan 停不下来亲吻他。Chan 抱着他，然后在真实的厨房桌前停下来，因为 Hyunjin 现在正在做的事情——咬他的耳朵，他妈的——太过分了，于是他把 Hyunjin 放在那里，备用钥匙、太阳镜和电子烟卡哗啦啦地掉落，这样他就可以把 Hyunjin 按住，而 Hyunjin 的脊柱像弓一样拱起，他穿着 Prada 内裤的硬直的箭头直指着 Chan。他用爪子抓着 Chan 的胳膊，Chan 觉得自己听到了一声撕裂的声音，因为 Hyunjin 拽着他的衬衫让他脱掉。当衬衫脱下来落在地板上时，Chan 只抓住了一瞬间的眼神交流；Hyunjin 的目光炽热无比，维苏威火山正在喷发毁灭庞贝，但接着他的脸离得太近看不清——他用力抓住 Chan 脖子后面，把他拉下来，扭打着，再次把腿勾在他腰间，坚决地把 Chan 拉向他。

Chan rolls his hips, and it feels so good. Hyunjin’s body goes briefly slack, like without Chan’s body on top of him and the table below him he’d just melt. Chan catches him. Rolls his hips again, coaxes Hyunjin—who’s suddenly twitchy and jumpy—to move with him, and he swallows the way Hyunjin sighs out when their cocks line up just right. Hyunjin lets him do this for a few delicious seconds of friction, but then his hands vanish from Chan’s arms and reappear on Chan’s beltline, rough unzip, clumsy and firm grab for Chan’s dick. He grasps it and pulls like he’s trying to guide it into himself through two layers of fabric, dry, and Chan chokes a bit, missing Hyunjin’s mouth on their next kiss and just sliding wet lips over Hyunjin’s cheek, which makes Hyunjin moan and thrash. Hyunjin is nasty. Hyunjin is beautiful. Hyunjin is seriously going to shove Chan’s cock directly inside himself with zero prep if Chan doesn’t stop him, so Chan hoists him up into his arms again, but doesn’t actually lift him into the air this time, just gets him on his legs so they can both stand.
陈扭动着臀部，感觉太好了。贤振的身体瞬间变得松弛，仿佛没有陈的身体压在他身上，桌子下面，他就会融化一样。陈接住了他。再次扭动臀部，劝说贤振——突然变得烦躁不安——跟着他动，他吞咽着贤振在他们的阴茎完美对齐时发出的叹息声。贤振让他这样做了几秒钟美妙的摩擦，但接着他的双手从陈的手臂上消失，又出现在陈的腰线上，粗暴地拉开拉链，笨拙而有力地抓住陈的命根子。他抓住它，像是试图通过两层布料把它引导进自己体内，干燥而生硬，陈有点呛到，错过了贤振在下一个吻中的嘴唇，只是湿润的嘴唇滑过贤振的脸颊，这让贤振发出呻吟和挣扎。贤振很淫荡。贤振很美丽。贤振如果陈不阻止他，他真的会直接把陈的命根子塞进自己体内，所以陈再次把他抱起来，但这次并没有把他抬起来，只是让他站在腿上，这样他们两个都能站着。

At first, Hyunjin is like a ragdoll, he’s stumbling like a fawn, but with a firm grip on Chan’s biceps, he manages to stay upright. He swoops in to kiss Chan again, and the motion is synchronised as he pulls Chan with him, out of the kitchen and into the hall. Chan nearly forgets they’re walking when Hyunjin is kissing him like that; every few steps, he’s slowing, and it’s up to Hyunjin to rush him along, hands branding his shoulders, his ribs, his hips.
一开始，贤真就像一只布娃娃，他像小鹿一样蹒跚，但紧紧抓住灿的二头肌，他设法保持站立。他俯身再次吻灿，动作同步，他拉着灿，走出厨房，进入走廊。当贤真那样亲吻他时，灿几乎忘记他们在走路；每走几步，他都会放慢脚步，而贤真则要拉着他快走，双手印记着他的肩膀、肋骨和臀部。

The lights are off, so it’s a blind stumble, and Chan can only trust Hyunjin to get them where they need to go—he wants to see Hyunjin’s apartment, but not right now. Hyunjin sucks on his lips and tongue and pulls Chan into a room, one where it’s still dark but it smells like Hyunjin does. It’s closer in here, smaller, and Chan wants more but what he has right now is so enticing, and Hyunjin seems keen on getting distracted, too, swaying in to press the entire sinuous length of his body against Chan’s while they come back together for a soul-sucking kiss.
灯灭了，所以他们是盲目地摸索，灿只能相信贤真把他们带到需要去的地方——他想看看贤真的公寓，但现在不是时候。贤真吮吸着他的嘴唇和舌头，把灿拉进一个房间，里面仍然很黑暗，但闻起来像贤真。这里更加密切，更小，灿想要更多，但他现在拥有的已经如此诱人，而贤真似乎也很想分心，也在摇摆着，把他整个柔软的身体长度紧贴在灿身上，当他们再次亲吻时。

In under five minutes, it’s become routine: Hyunjin’s arms around Chan’s shoulders, Chan’s hands fitting to Hyunjin’s waist. He’s smooth, slender. In the dark, his whimpered sounds are louder, and Chan is barely even touching him; he’s so responsive. His dick is pressing against Chan’s abs. They sway together, breathing, groping, but then Hyunjin drops away from him and Chan is left holding nothing until his eyes adjust to the dark and he sees Hyunjin knelt by the side of the bed, going through an overstuffed IKEA two-by-two bookcase.
不到五分钟，这已经成为了惯例：Hyunjin 的手臂搂着 Chan 的肩膀，Chan 的手贴着 Hyunjin 的腰。他的身材修长光滑。在黑暗中，他的呻吟声更大，而 Chan 几乎没有碰到他；他的反应如此敏感。他的下体压在 Chan 的腹部上。他们一起摇摆，呼吸，摸索，但随后 Hyunjin 离开他，Chan 只能空空如也，直到他的眼睛适应黑暗，看到 Hyunjin 跪在床边，翻看着一个塞得满满的宜家两排两排的书架。

It’s too dark to see, and Chan, suddenly, can’t bear to be away from him. He goes down, too, his palm sliding down the swoop of Hyunjin’s spine, and Hyunjin jolts, turns so he can meet him, and then they’re kissing on the floor instead of doing what they need to be doing.
太黑了看不见，突然间，Chan 无法忍受离开他。他也跪下，手掌沿着 Hyunjin 的脊柱滑下，Hyunjin 颤抖着，转身面对他，然后他们在地板上接吻，而不是做他们本应该做的事情。

This feels pretty close to what they need to be doing, though. If this were happening at Chan’s apartment, he’d want to get them off the carpet, but based on the feeling of the rug under his knees, he can tell that Hyunjin’s the sort of person who vacuums, or who gets his place vacuumed for him. Hyunjin’s mouth is pliant and he’s shivering, crawling closer to Chan, settling a softer hand on his shoulder while the other has gone still in the bookshelf. Distracted. Chan isn’t noticing the rugburn he’s sure to have after this, only the soft wet seal of Hyunjin’s lips on his own, and how Hyunjin is barely breathing.
这感觉几乎是他们应该做的事情。如果这发生在灿的公寓里，他会想让他们离开地毯，但根据他膝盖下地毯的感觉，他可以感觉到贤振是那种会吸尘的人，或者是有人为他打扫的人。贤振的嘴唇柔软，他在颤抖，爬得更近灿，一只手轻轻放在他的肩膀上，而另一只手则静静地放在书架上。心不在焉。灿没有注意到他肯定会在这之后擦出的地毯烫伤，只注意到贤振柔软湿润的嘴唇在他自己的嘴唇上，以及贤振几乎没有呼吸。

A quiet clatter as something inside the bookshelf falls gets their attention back to the goal at hand, though, and it seems like Hyunjin is struggling to find what he’s looking for. He makes a small, frustrated noise and breaks the kiss, turning to get back to rifling through, and Chan wants to help him, so reaches over his head for the lamp atop the bookcase. When he pulls the beaded chain, the room floods with warm light, and Hyunjin is intent on his search so Chan can actually get a look at him—his slim and lovely shoulders, his long neck, his parted kiss-slicked mouth, his diamond-soft jaw. Chan’s the one barely breathing now, because how does Hyunjin look like that? How? And Chan gets to kiss him—touch him—more? Hyunjin has finally found a gallon-size Ziploc bag full of various sex-related objects, and he turns back to Chan, triumphant, and—fuck, his face. Chan’s jaw involuntarily drops. He looks like sunrise. He looks like a sexbot. He looks confident and cocky and commanding as he rolls his eyes at whatever Chan’s face must be doing, then pounces on him, shoving Chan back against the side of the bed and clambering into his lap.
书架里传来一阵轻微的碰撞声，吸引了他们的注意力回到手头的目标，尽管看起来 Hyunjin 正在努力寻找他要找的东西。他发出一声小小的沮丧声，打破了吻，转身继续翻找，而 Chan 想要帮他，于是伸手去书架顶上的台灯。当他拉动珠链时，房间里充满了温暖的光芒，Hyunjin 专心致志地在找东西，所以 Chan 实际上可以看清他——他修长可爱的肩膀，他修长的脖子，他涂满吻痕的嘴唇，他钻石般柔软的下巴。现在 Chan 几乎停止呼吸了，因为 Hyunjin 怎么可能看起来那么好？怎么可能？而且 Chan 居然可以再吻他——触摸他——更多？Hyunjin 终于找到了一个装满各种与性有关物品的一加仑拉链袋，他转身对着 Chan，得意洋洋地，然后——该死，他的脸。Chan 的下巴不受控制地下垂。他看起来像日出。他看起来像性感机器人。他看起来自信、傲慢、命令风格，他瞥了一眼 Chan 脸上可能做出的任何表情，然后扑向他，将 Chan 推到床边，爬上他的腿。

It’s a great place for him to be. Chan isn’t even that mad about not being able to stare at him anymore. Hyunjin’s free hand has settled on Chan’s low stomach, kneading at his abs, scratching at his happy trail, and Chan grabs for his thighs, slides up to his ass. Hyunjin is the one to roll his hips now, riding himself down dirty in Chan’s lap. All over him, licking the backs of Chan’s teeth. He sucks on Chan’s lip hard enough that it makes Chan groan in pain, but that only gets Hyunjin more excited, squirming against Chan’s thighs and dropping the Ziploc bag in favour of grabbing at the sides of Chan’s neck with a mirrored grip, kissing like devouring.
这是他待的好地方。Chan 甚至并不那么生气不能再盯着他看了。Hyunjin 的另一只手已经落在了 Chan 的下腹，揉捏着他的腹肌，抚摸着他的快乐小径，而 Chan 则伸手抓住他的大腿，滑向他的臀部。现在 Hyunjin 开始扭动臀部，坐在 Chan 的腿上，肮脏地享受着。在他身上，舔着 Chan 牙齿的背面。他用力吮吸 Chan 的嘴唇，让 Chan 痛苦地呻吟，但这只会让 Hyunjin 更兴奋，扭动着对抗 Chan 的大腿，放下塑料袋，转而用镜像的握法抓住 Chan 脖子的两侧，狠狠地吻着。

He’s so pent-up. Chan is, too. Down only to his jeans by now, he still feels sauna-hot, and he wants to spread and stretch Hyunjin out, this gorgeous creature who can’t get enough of him—he wants to give him that enough. While Hyunjin rubs his hips on Chan’s, hitched breaths huffing hot against Chan’s jaw, Chan takes one hand off him to pat around for that Ziploc, and he finds lube in there, endearingly wrapped up in a paper towel in case of spillage. But Chan can’t think with Hyunjin latched onto him like this, let alone multitask. He needs just a second of air, of space. And he wants Hyunjin in the bed, so the next time Hyunjin goes to sleep, and all the times after that, he’ll think about what happened there.
他太兴奋了。陈也是。现在只剩下牛仔裤，他仍然感觉像桑拿一样炎热，他想要展开并拉伸出这个美丽的生物——这个永远得不到他满足的美丽生物。当 Hyunjin 在陈的臀部上摩擦，急促的呼吸热烘烘地喷在陈的下巴上时，陈把一只手从他身上拿开，摸索着找那个密封袋，他在里面找到了润滑剂，贴心地用纸巾包裹着以防溢出。但是陈无法在 Hyunjin 像这样紧贴着他的时候思考，更别提同时处理多项任务了。他只需要一点点空气，一点点空间。他想要把 Hyunjin 带到床上，这样下次 Hyunjin 入睡时，以及以后的每一次，他都会想起在那里发生的事情。

Hyunjin is really latched onto him, though. Chan releases the bag, too, and grabs for Hyunjin’s hips again, ducks his head a little bit to dislodge Hyunjin’s hungry mouth. When Chan has a tight enough grip on him, when Hyunjin misses his next kiss, the window of opportunity is small, but Chan has to take it, capitalise on the power of having caught Hyunjin off-guard; his arms flex, and he pushes, lifting Hyunjin up and out of his lap—set. Plants himself against the floor and throws, over his head and left, flipping Hyunjin onto the bed—spike.
Hyunjin 真的很依偎在他身上。Chan 也放开了包，再次抓住 Hyunjin 的臀部，微微低下头摆脱 Hyunjin 贪婪的嘴唇。当 Chan 牢牢抓住他时，当 Hyunjin 错过了下一个吻时，机会之窗很小，但 Chan 必须抓住它，利用抓住 Hyunjin 措手不及的力量；他的手臂屈曲，他用力推动，把 Hyunjin 从膝盖上抬起来——扣。他站稳在地板上，向左上方扔出，将 Hyunjin 翻倒在床上——扣。

It’s shockingly easy. Hyunjin is kitten-limp and weightless. Now Chan is worried—does he eat enough? Also, fuck, he just threw Hyunjin across the room—is he okay, was that okay? He scrambles after him, undone jeans pushed down his own thicker thighs, and sees where Hyunjin landed: squarely in the centre of the bed, and he’s now rolling from his side onto his back, his eyes blown huge, slack mouth gasping, hips and legs squirming and jerking around like he’s too turned on to have muscle control. He sees Chan and makes an incoherent wailing noise, arms flinging wide to beg Chan to come down, bony grabby fingers straining out, and Chan kicks his jeans off the rest of the way, snags the Ziploc from the floor, and tumbles down on top of him.
这太令人震惊了。贤振就像小猫一样软弱无力，轻飘飘的。现在灿有点担心了——他吃得够吗？而且，该死，他刚刚把贤振扔到了房间的另一头——他还好吗，那样做好吗？他匆忙追了过去，自己的牛仔裤松松垮垮地滑落到更粗壮的大腿上，看到了贤振落脚的地方：正好落在床中央，他现在从侧面滚到背面，眼睛瞪得大大的，嘴巴张得大大的，髋部和腿部扭动着抽搐着，就像太兴奋而失去了肌肉控制一样。他看到了灿，发出了一声含糊不清的哀鸣，双臂张开示意灿下来，瘦弱的手指伸出来，灿踢掉了剩下的牛仔裤，从地板上拿起塑料袋，然后一头栽倒在他身上。

Hyunjin is wet through his briefs. Clinging hands, immediately, digging into Chan’s arms as he cuddles up to Chan’s chest, panting desperately against Chan’s skin. Chan tips his chin up and kisses him while he works on sliding Hyunjin’s underwear down and off. It’s hard to make Hyunjin stay still long enough for Chan to actually proceed, because even when Chan is trying to uncap the lube and get his fingers wet without making a huge mess, Hyunjin is kissing his neck, writhing, grinding his now-bare cock into Chan’s hip. But he settles quickly when Chan’s hand goes between his thighs.
Hyunjin 穿着内裤湿透了。他紧紧抓住陈的手臂，紧贴在陈的胸前，在陈的皮肤上气喘吁吁。陈抬起下巴亲吻他，同时努力将 Hyunjin 的内裤脱下。让 Hyunjin 保持足够长时间静止实在很困难，因为即使陈试图打开润滑剂盖子并弄湿手指而不搞得一团糟，Hyunjin 也在亲吻他的脖子，扭动身体，将现在裸露的阴茎摩擦在陈的臀部。但当陈的手伸入他的大腿之间时，他很快就安静下来。

He’s responsive here, too, as Chan rubs his fingers over where he’s tight to get him loose. So vocal, so unsubtle. But Chan isn’t worrying about neighbours anymore—only about how Hyunjin burrows closer to him and arches his back when Chan curls his fingers just right inside. Chan’s cock, trapped in his own boxers and somewhat neglected in all this Hyunjin-pleasuring, feels impossibly heavy, throbbing thickly in response to each of Hyunjin’s little yelps. Hyunjin is sweating, his breaths raw in his throat, like he’s just run a marathon through the desert. Chan keeps thinking he’s just accidentally made Hyunjin come, but when he looks down to check, it’s still only precum—he’s just that loud, he’s just that drippy. Two fingers, then three, working and twisting in and out of him while Hyunjin rocks his hips back and forth. His eyelashes are brushing the underside of Chan’s chin. Chan needs to be inside him. He needs to keep making Hyunjin feel this good. He pulls his fingers out slowly, and Hyunjin, who had just been happily sucking the world’s biggest hickey into the side of Chan’s throat, seizes up and starts whining, but Chan shushes him, kisses him, tips him onto his back again, and goes for the Ziploc with intent.
他在这里也很敏感，当灿在他紧绷的地方摩擦手指以放松他时，他的反应也很强烈。他说话声音大，毫不含蓄。但灿不再担心邻居了，只关心着当他的手指在恰到好处的位置弯曲时，贤辰会更贴近他，挺起背部。灿的阳具，困在自己的内裤里，在这一切对贤辰的快感中有些被忽视，感觉异常沉重，每当贤辰发出一声小叫时，就会厚重地悸动。贤辰在出汗，他的呼吸在喉咙里粗糙，就像刚在沙漠中跑完马拉松一样。灿一直以为自己不小心让贤辰高潮了，但当他低头检查时，发现只是一点预精液 — 贤辰只是那么吵，只是那么多水。两根手指，然后三根，在他体内工作和扭动，而贤辰则摇摆着臀部。他的睫毛刷到了灿下巴的下面。灿需要进入他。他需要继续让贤辰感受到这种快感。 他慢慢地抽出手指，而本来正高兴地在陈的喉咙边吸着世界上最大的吻痕的贤振突然僵硬起来开始发牢骚，但陈安抚他，亲吻他，再次把他翻转到背部，有意地拿起塑料袋。

That makes Hyunjin shut up and get serious right away, moving up the bed and spreading his legs impatiently, but Chan won’t keep him waiting long—still can’t bear to be away for longer than he absolutely has to. He grabs out a Durex, pulls his boxers down, tear pinch roll on, and the direct stimulation to his dick after being treated to an immersive seat at the world’s hottest show makes him have to bite off a groan. He moves between Hyunjin’s legs. Hyunjin has propped himself up on his elbows and he’s staring directly at Chan’s dick with the craziest, most feverish eyes yet—or at least Chan thinks they’re the craziest yet until he actually lines himself up and begins, slowly, to push inside, and Hyunjin’s eyes roll up to meet Chan’s.
这让贤振立刻闭嘴认真起来，他挪动到床上，不耐烦地张开双腿，但陈不会让他等太久——他实在无法忍受离开的时间比绝对必要的时间长。他拿出一只杜蕾斯，拉下内裤，撕开包装，然后在享受完世界上最热门表演的沉浸式座位后直接刺激他的阴茎，让他不得不咬住一声呻吟。他移动到贤振的双腿之间。贤振撑起身子，用最疯狂、最发热的眼神直勾勾地盯着陈的阴茎，至少陈认为这是迄今为止最疯狂的，直到他真的对准位置开始缓慢地往里推，贤振的眼睛翻白，与陈的目光相遇。

Chan nearly comes. He can’t do it—he has to stop temporarily at just the tip, has to drop himself down to catch Hyunjin in a kiss—he can’t let Hyunjin look at him like that while he’s starting to split him open. Eye contact has always been overwhelming for Chan, but the way Hyunjin licks him with his eyes is a new circle of Hell; nobody has ever made Chan feel like this. He’s gasping a little into Hyunjin’s mouth now, too. Hyunjin is whimpery and even more impatient, trying to work his hips low to get Chan deeper, and when Chan has sufficiently calmed down, he can acquiesce, reaching down to steady his slide. He goes in. Hyunjin stops breathing.
陈差点就要射了。他做不到——他必须暂时停在顶端，必须低下身子，吻住贤辰——他不能让贤辰看着他这样，当他开始撕裂他。眼神交流对陈来说一直是一种压倒性的感觉，但贤辰用眼睛舔他的方式是一种新的地狱循环；没有人让陈有过这种感觉。他现在也在贤辰的嘴里喘着气。贤辰开始变得焦躁，更加急切，试图用臀部向下移动，让陈进入更深，当陈足够冷静下来时，他可以屈服，伸手下去稳住自己的滑动。他进入了。贤辰停止呼吸。

They kiss and clutch each other. Hyunjin is the first to move, but it’s only to lower himself, melt back against the sheets, going completely boneless, so sweet it makes Chan’s whole body hurt. If he’s done working, if he’s done fighting, Chan will do the rest for him. It feels very good. Hyunjin is very tight, but his tiny noises aren’t muffled cries of pain, he just sounds like he’s basking in the sun. It’s a stretch, a squeeze. Chan’s jaw tenses and his teeth nip at Hyunjin’s mouth. He bottoms out, gives Hyunjin time to adjust to him, while he’s adjusting, too. It’s been a while for him. And even if it hadn’t been, it’s never felt like this before, claustrophobic in the best way, like Hyunjin holds all the air in the room and is merely deigning to share a scrap of oxygen with Chan from time to time. Chan rolls his hips, and Hyunjin throws his head back and grabs helplessly for Chan’s arms and moans.
他们亲吻并紧紧拥抱着彼此。贤真是第一个动的，但只是为了低下身子，融入床单，完全放松下来，甜得让灿的整个身体都疼。如果他已经结束工作，结束争斗，灿会为他做剩下的事。感觉非常好。贤真很紧，但他微小的声音并不是被闷在疼痛中的呻吟，他听起来就像是在享受阳光。这是一种伸展，一种挤压。灿的下巴绷紧，牙齿轻咬着贤真的嘴唇。他完全插入，给贤真时间适应他，而他自己也在适应。对他来说已经有一段时间了。即使没有，也从未有过这种感觉，这种最好的幽闭感，就像贤真控制着房间里的所有空气，只是偶尔才肯与灿分享一丝氧气。灿扭动着臀部，贤真仰头抬起，无助地抓住灿的胳膊，发出呻吟声。

Chan should be exhausted—on any normal night, he’d have been in bed, asleep, for hours by now. Plus, there’s the emotional energy he’d expended on trying to understand Hyunjin. But he’s never felt more awake, more alive, than now, using the full power of his hip flexors and core to push deep, deep into Hyunjin, while Hyunjin twitches and trembles. Hyunjin’s hands are gripping Chan’s wrists, and Chan can’t breathe if they’re kissing, so he has to break off, instead press their foreheads together as he strokes into him.
陈应该筋疲力尽了——在任何正常的晚上，他现在早就该躺在床上睡觉了。再加上他花在试图理解贤辰身上的情感能量。但此刻他从未感到如此清醒、如此活力充沛，全身的力量都在推动深深地进入贤辰，而贤辰则在颤抖不已。贤辰的双手紧紧抓住陈的手腕，他们在接吻时陈无法呼吸，只好中断，将额头贴在一起，同时深入抚摸。

Each thrust brings them momentarily closer together, and Hyunjin makes a quiet keening noise in his throat, lips opening, tongue slipping out, so weakly asking for another kiss. Chan can’t deny him; who needs to breathe? They’re barely even actually kissing, just panting into each other’s mouths, and Hyunjin moves under him for the first time in a while, but only to start raising one of his legs, which makes the angle better, deeper, right away. Chan catches him mid-thought and fits a palm over that lifted thigh, folding his leg back, pushing, until he’s stretched Hyunjin’s leg over his shoulder and Hyunjin is practically in a split. He’s flexible like taffy—it’s a little shocking. Again, Chan is scared he’s hurting him. But Hyunjin is loving it. His eyelashes are dewy and he can’t take in a full breath—each inhale keeps getting caught in his chest, and he only exhales when Chan fucks into him.
每一次推进都让他们暂时更加靠近，Hyunjin 在喉咙里发出轻轻的哀鸣声，嘴唇张开，舌头伸出，微弱地请求另一个吻。Chan 无法拒绝他；谁需要呼吸？他们几乎没有真正接吻，只是喘息着，互相呼吸，Hyunjin 在他身下移动了一段时间，但只是为了开始抬起其中一条腿，这让角度更好，更深入，立刻。Chan 在他的想法中捕捉到他，并将手掌放在抬起的大腿上，将他的腿折回，推动，直到他将 Hyunjin 的腿伸到肩膀上，Hyunjin 几乎是在劈叉。他像软糖一样灵活——有点令人震惊。再一次，Chan 害怕自己在伤害他。但 Hyunjin 却很享受。他的睫毛泛着露水，无法完全呼吸——每次吸气都被困在胸膛里，只有当 Chan 进入他时才呼出。

Chan can’t believe this. Can’t believe him. Could they have been doing this all along? He raises up enough to see him better, enough to strike yet another new angle. The view he’s met with takes what little breath he had left away for good: Hyunjin’s hair is fanned out all over the white duvet cover, lovely sprawling fractals. His hip movements are so delicate, the sheen of sweat over his entire angular body is so radiant. He’s still got his eyes open, which is a surprise, but it looks like he’s fighting to keep them that way—his lashes keep fluttering, and when he actually sees Chan looking, he—he smiles, and in the midst of this filthy, urgent fuck, it’s such a ray of innocence, toothy and giddy and almost disbelieving of his good fortune. It’s cute.
陈简直不敢相信。不敢相信他。他们可能一直在做这个吗？他挺起身子，想看得更清楚一些，想找到另一个新的角度。他所见的景象让他剩下的那点呼吸也消失殆尽：贤振的头发散落在白色被罩上，美丽的纷乱分形。他的臀部动作如此细腻，整个瘦削身体上的汗珠如此耀眼。他仍然睁着眼睛，这让人惊讶，但看起来他在努力保持睁着眼睛——他的睫毛不停地眨动，当他真的看到陈在看他时，他——微笑了，在这肮脏、迫切的性交中，这样一抹天真的光芒，露齿而欢快，几乎不敢相信自己的幸运。太可爱了。

So Chan can’t help but to smile back at him, and he watches the way a blush blooms over Hyunjin’s face. Chan has Hyunjin literally folded in half, and he’s driving his cock in and out of his ass and stroking against his prostate with each push, but Hyunjin is blushing because Chan smiled at him while he’s doing it. His smile vanishes instantly, though, when Chan shifts his weight so he’s supported only on one hand while the other grasps at Hyunjin’s beautiful, arched cock; if the way his eyes dart directly to Chan’s supporting arm is any indication, he’s as affected by the display of physical prowess as he is by the direct touch.
所以灿不禁对他微笑，看着赫宰脸上绽放的红晕。灿将赫宰折叠在一半，他一边抽送自己的阴茎，一边在赫宰的肛门内刺激前列腺，但赫宰却因为灿对他微笑而脸红。然而，当灿将重心转移到一只手支撑时，另一只手抓住赫宰漂亮的勃起阴茎时，他的微笑立刻消失；如果他直接看向灿支撑手臂的眼神是任何指示的话，他对这种身体力量展示的影响和直接触碰一样受到影响。

Silly, but fuck, Chan kind of gets it—in a way, Hyunjin’s reactions to him are as hot as the feeling of being inside him. Hyunjin is perfect. Chan doesn’t know anyone like him. He wants to tell him—wants to tell Hyunjin how beautiful he is (but Hyunjin certainly knows that already), how good this feels (Hyunjin feels it, too), how he never wants to stop (too weird). In fact, anything Chan could say would be weird. And he doesn’t want this to be weird, although of course it inherently is. He just loves it. So he keeps saying nothing. He just grips Hyunjin tight and lets the motion of his deep, grooving thrusts work Hyunjin’s dick through his hand more than he’s actually stroking him, because if the way Hyunjin is now moaning can be trusted, he won’t need much.
傻，但该难受的，Chan 有点明白——从某种程度上说，Hyunjin 对他的反应和在他身体里的感觉一样火热。Hyunjin 是完美的。Chan 没见过像他这样的人。他想告诉他——想告诉 Hyunjin 他有多美（但 Hyunjin 肯定已经知道了），这种感觉有多好（Hyunjin 也感受到了），他永远不想停下来（太奇怪了）。事实上，Chan 可能说的任何话都会很奇怪。他不想让这变得奇怪，尽管当然它本质上就是奇怪的。他只是喜欢这种感觉。所以他什么也没说。他只是紧紧抓住 Hyunjin，让他深入的、有节奏的推动让 Hyunjin 的阴茎在他手中运动，而不是真正地握住，因为如果现在 Hyunjin 发出的呻吟可以信任的话，他不需要太多。

Hyunjin must come to the same realisation—he’s clinging to Chan tighter, regaining some measure of earlier strength as his hips work and his moaning ups in volume, but Chan can’t tell if he’s leaning into it or trying to stave it off. His nails are digging crescents into Chan’s flesh, the sounds of Chan’s hand moving over him are obscene, he’s visibly starting to go a little crazy again, like he’d been when Chan was kissing him against the door. Even the prolonged eye contact feels stubborn, in competition with himself. Chan, encouraging, tightens his core and fucks him faster, just a little rougher without actually roughing him up. Hyunjin’s lips tremble, and his newly-returned bravado drops again, leaving him gasping, in hysterics, as Chan holds him down and gives it to him.
Hyunjin 必须得到同样的认识——他紧紧地抱住 Chan，重新获得了一些早期的力量，他的臀部运动，他的呻吟声增加，但 Chan 无法确定他是在投入其中还是试图避开。他的指甲在 Chan 的肌肤上挖出了弯月形，Chan 的手在他身上移动的声音是淫秽的，他明显又开始有点疯狂了，就像当 Chan 在门口亲吻他时一样。甚至持续的眼神交流也显得固执，仿佛在与自己竞争。Chan 鼓励地收紧腹部，更快地干他，稍微粗暴一点但并没有真的伤害他。Hyunjin 的嘴唇颤抖，他新回来的勇气再次消失，让他喘不过气来，陷入歇斯底里，而 Chan 则按住他，给予他。

It’s a frenzy. Chan, equally delirious, feels a violent tug deep in his bones, and he knows he’s about to come, too. His muscles involuntarily clench, he needs to drop from palm to elbow on his support arm so he doesn’t fall and crush Hyunjin. Hyunjin’s moans are sobbing out of him again so loudly and he presses his face blindly into Chan’s, teeth on skin, and he’s coming, his cock is jerking in Chan’s hold and he’s trying to writhe around but he can’t because Chan is pressed too closely against him, but Chan is on the edge, Chan is tipping over, Chan is shooting off and shuddering, electrified down to his molecules, heart pounding, body throbbing, every part of him moulded to every part of Hyunjin. It’s a full body-slam of an orgasm, shattering him, leaving him reeling, his face in Hyunjin’s throat. It just keeps going. Even when it finally ebbs, he gets lost there, breathing in the sweet of whatever perfume Hyunjin wears and the salt of Hyunjin’s real self underneath, and in the fog, the only words that come are—this is what we were missing.
这是一场狂热。同样陶醉的灿感到骨子里有一股强烈的牵引，他知道自己也快要高潮了。他的肌肉不受控制地收紧，他需要从手掌落到肘部支撑，以免摔倒压到贤真。贤真再次发出哭泣般的呻吟声，声音如此之大，他盲目地将脸贴在灿的身上，牙齿咬着皮肤，他在高潮中，他的阴茎在灿的掌握中抽搐，他试图扭动身体，但无法做到，因为灿贴得太紧，但灿已经到了边缘，灿已经倾斜，灿已经射出并颤抖着，电流般贯穿他的分子，心脏急速跳动，身体悸动，他的每一个部分都与贤真的每一个部分紧密相连。这是一场全身猛烈碰撞的高潮，让他支离破碎，让他晕头转向，他的脸埋在贤真的颈部。这种感觉持续不断。即使最终平息，他也迷失其中，深呼吸着贤真喷洒的香水和贤真真实自我的咸味，在迷雾中，唯一出现的词语是——这就是我们所缺失的。

Hyunjin is gripping onto him with shocking strength, considering what just happened, how he just was. It’s almost like he doesn’t want to let Chan go, but Chan has no intention of letting him go, either. The fever is retreating from Chan’s brain surprisingly quickly—did he really just fuck Hyunjin?—and leaving him more than a little flushed and embarrassed, but—he’s not pulling away. He doesn’t know what happens next. He wants Hyunjin to know that—what? What does Chan know, even? All he can do, really, is tilt his head and seek Hyunjin out, nose nuzzling for a moment at his cheek before he catches him in another kiss, their lightest yet.
Hyunjin 用令人震惊的力量抓住他，考虑到刚刚发生的事情，他刚刚的状态。几乎像是他不想放开灿，但灿也没有放开他的打算。发热从灿的大脑中意外地迅速消退了——他真的刚刚和 Hyunjin 做了爱吗？——让他感到有些脸红和尴尬，但是——他没有挣脱。他不知道接下来会发生什么。他想让 Hyunjin 知道那个——什么？灿甚至知道什么？他真正能做的就是歪着头，寻找 Hyunjin，鼻子在他的脸颊上蹭了一会儿，然后再次吻住他，这次是他们之间最轻柔的一个吻。

It feels different when their lips are dry. Now that they’ve gotten it out of their systems. Chan doesn’t know about Hyunjin, but personally, he’s reeling a little bit. He just fucked Hyunjin. Underneath him, Hyunjin is still catching his breath, and he’s not much kissing back. Having a similar micro-freakout, maybe? Chan doesn’t regret it. How could he? It’s the only thing that’s made sense, all night. But he just—doesn’t totally understand, either. How could it have been so good? Where did that come from? How long has he wanted this—how long has Hyunjin?
当他们的嘴唇干燥时感觉就不一样了。现在他们已经释放出来了。Chris 不知道 Hyunjin 怎么想，但就他个人而言，他有点晕头转向。他刚刚和 Hyunjin 做爱了。在他下面，Hyunjin 仍在喘着气，他并没有太多回吻。也许也有类似的微小恐慌？Chris 并不后悔。他怎么可能后悔呢？整晚来，这是唯一有意义的事情。但他只是——也不完全明白。为什么会这么美好？这是从哪里来的？他想要这个已经多久了——Hyunjin 又想要多久了？

Before Chan can even start to formulate any of those questions aloud, Hyunjin makes the point moot; he squirms and slips out from under him, pulling himself off of Chan’s cock and escaping the cage of his arms. It’s fast and leaves Chan a little physically uncomfortable, and it must be even worse for Hyunjin, not that he shows it—he’s off the bed already, standing, shaking out his long limbs. He’s not looking at Chan, and that blissful brilliance is gone from his face. The resulting neutrality of his expression is in odd contrast with the way his skin is still flushed and glowing. And it makes Chan’s heart sink; what’s wrong? Did he do something wrong?
在灿甚至来得及开始大声提出这些问题之前，贤真就让这一点变得无关紧要了；他扭动身体，从他身下挣脱出来，将自己从灿的身体上拽开，逃离了他的双臂的囚笼。这一切发生得很快，让灿感到有些身体上的不适，而对于贤真来说可能更糟糕，尽管他没有表现出来——他已经离开床了，站着，摇晃着他修长的四肢。他没有看着灿，他脸上那种幸福的光芒已经消失了。他表情的中立与他依然泛红发光的皮肤形成了奇怪的对比。这让灿的心沉了下去；出了什么问题？他做错了什么吗？

While they were entangled, he hadn’t wanted to speak for fear of making things weird, but if they keep not talking now, that’ll make it even weirder. He’s propped on his arm and moves his other hand for modesty’s sake, covering himself, and blinks soulfully up at Hyunjin. Are you okay feels like the wrong question to ask. So does Was that okay. Hyunjin has pearl-strings of cum across the plane of his lower stomach, and Chan stares at them for a moment before shaking his head to clear it. Once that’s done, Hyunjin actually does look at Chan, and his gaze is so—so cold that it startles Chan into speech, and what comes out of his mouth is, “Do you want me to leave?”
当他们缠绕在一起时，他不想说话，因为怕让事情变得尴尬，但如果他们现在继续保持沉默，那将会让情况变得更加尴尬。他撑着胳膊，用另一只手为了体面起见盖住自己，眨巴着眼睛望着贤真。问你还好吗？感觉不太对。那刚才好吗？也不对。贤真的下腹部有一串串的精液，陈盯着看了一会儿，然后摇摇头清醒过来。等这件事情做完后，贤真实际上看向了陈，他的目光是如此——如此冷，以至于让陈吃惊地开口说话，他嘴里说出的是，“你想让我离开吗？”

Hyunjin’s lips, puffy and bruised from so much kissing, compress into a displeased line. “Do you want to leave?” he counters.
贤真的嘴唇因为亲吻过多而肿胀、瘀青，挤成了一条不悦的线。“你想离开吗？”他反问。

Is that a trick question? Chan weighs his options, and considers Hyunjin. It feels like what just happened was the first page of a decoder handbook, the key to open the first lock on Hyunjin’s outermost door. He doesn’t have full access to the full treasure past the traps and obstacles, but at least now he knows it exists, and he can keep working to unlock the rest. For instance, as he watches the minute shifts in Hyunjin’s posture, what would previously have resembled hostility and passive-aggression is now clearly a stance of self-defence, his shoulders hunching and ribs curling to protect vital organs. Hyunjin is just protecting himself. There is a reason, after all, that roses have thorns. Granted, Chan doesn’t know what it is, exactly, but it feels like an applicable metaphor. “No,” he says.
这是在考验我吗？Chan 权衡了自己的选择，考虑着 Hyunjin。这感觉就像刚刚发生的是解码手册的第一页，打开 Hyunjin 最外层大门的钥匙。他并没有完全进入到陷阱和障碍物之后的全部宝藏，但至少现在他知道它的存在，可以继续努力解锁剩下的部分。例如，当他看着 Hyunjin 姿势微微变化时，以前可能看起来像敌意和被动攻击的东西现在明显是一种自卫姿态，他的肩膀耸起，肋骨卷曲以保护重要器官。Hyunjin 只是在保护自己。毕竟，玫瑰有刺是有原因的。当然，Chan 并不知道具体是什么，但感觉这是一个贴切的比喻。“不是的，”他说。

“Then no,” Hyunjin answers, with the barest flash of warmth. He turns, stretches. His body is long and lean, all the softness of a knife’s blade, but Chan still wants to touch him. Over his shoulder, Hyunjin says, “I need a shower. You can keep me company.”
“那就不是了，”Hyunjin 回答，带着一丝微弱的温暖。他转身，伸展身体。他的身体修长而纤细，像刀刃一样锋利，但 Chan 仍然想触摸他。Hyunjin 背对着他说：“我需要冲个澡。你可以陪我。”

Bossy. Chan gets up immediately. (And rids himself of the condom, too. He doesn’t know if Hyunjin even has a trash can in his bedroom, so he has to very awkwardly bring it with him to the bathroom. His boxers, finally off, he just leaves on the bed.) His head is swimming, that exhaustion the sex had staved off now making its presence very known, but he keeps his eyes on the spare lines of Hyunjin’s back as he follows him, which makes it easier to stay upright.
霸道。灿立刻起身。（他也脱掉了安全套。他不知道背包里是否有垃圾桶，所以他很尴尬地把它带到了浴室。最终脱掉的内裤，他就把它留在了床上。）他的头昏昏沉沉的，性带来的疲惫现在变得非常明显，但他把目光保持在背对着他的 Hyunjin 身上，跟随着他，这让他更容易保持站立。

The ensuite is large and Chan winces a little when Hyunjin turns on the light—so much white marble, it’s blinding. Hyunjin’s expression is still guarded, but when he sees Chan’s blinking and squinting, there is a faint curve to the corner of his lips as he goes ahead and turns the water on in his roomy glass shower.
浴室很大，灿看到 Hyunjin 打开灯时微微皱了皱眉头——那么多白色大理石，刺眼。Hyunjin 的表情仍然谨慎，但当他看到灿眨眼和眯眼时，他的嘴角微微上翘，然后在宽敞的玻璃淋浴间里打开了水。

Chan is relieved to see a small metal trash can by the sink, and tosses the condom into it while Hyunjin is distracted by the temperature settings in the shower. As Hyunjin waits for the water to heat up, he glances back at the mirror that’s currently behind Chan’s head, and Chan watches his lips reflexively purse, eyes instinctively go heavier-lidded. Is that how he thinks he needs to look? Did he think he wasn’t just as beautiful when his face was unschooled? Just for kicks, Chan turns to check himself out, too, and the sight of the fucking monster hickey on his neck makes him gasp involuntarily.
Chan 看到水槽旁边有一个小金属垃圾桶感到宽慰，趁 Hyunjin 分心调整淋浴的温度设置时，将避孕套扔进去。当 Hyunjin 等待水变热时，他瞥了一眼镜子，目前正好在 Chan 头后面，Chan 看着他的嘴唇本能地紧抿，眼睛下意识地变得更沉。他认为他需要看起来这样吗？他认为他的脸没有经过修饰时就不美丽吗？为了好玩，Chan 也转过头去照镜子，看到自己脖子上该死的吻痕，不由自主地倒抽一口气。

“God,” he says, leaning in to see it as he tilts his head to the other side and gingerly prods it with his fingers where it’s the darkest, angriest red, getting an answering zing of pain. “Ow!”
“天啊，”他说着，俯身看着自己的脖子，把头向另一边倾斜，轻轻用手指碰了碰最黑最生气的地方，感受到一阵疼痛。“哎呀！”

There’s a quiet snickering noise from Hyunjin, who’s now delicately stepping his way into the shower and closing the door, which has already begun to fog up. Chan is a little too scandalised by the sight of his own throat as a chewtoy to revel deeply in the sound, but when he’s done twisting around in the mirror to assess the damage on his upper arms and back (pretty bad), he’s left with a warm feeling, and glances briefly through the glass; Hyunjin’s cheek remains lightly bent by a smile.
在现场，Hyunjin 发出了一阵轻微的窃笑声，他正在小心翼翼地走进淋浴间，关上门，门上已经开始起雾。Chan 对自己的喉咙被当作咬咬玩具的景象有点吃惊，无法深入沉浸在这声音中，但当他扭头看镜子评估上臂和背部的伤势时（相当严重），他感到一种温暖的感觉，瞥了一眼玻璃；Hyunjin 的脸颊上依然挂着微笑。

So maybe not all is lost. Chan still doesn’t totally understand why what just happened just happened, but maybe he’ll get there. He yawns, leans his hands back against the bathroom counter to keep himself propped up. Hyunjin must either know Chan is watching him, or else he showers like this all the time: shampoo-commercial antics, elegant head-tosses, soft sighs as the hot water soaks into him. Nothing Hyunjin would ever do could be methodical. Nor should it be.
也许并非一切都已经完了。Chan 仍然不完全明白刚刚发生的事情为什么会发生，但也许他会明白。他打了个哈欠，双手撑在浴室台面上支撑自己。Hyunjin 要么知道 Chan 在看他，要么他总是这样洗澡：像洗发水广告中的花招，优雅地甩头发，热水浸透他时发出的轻叹。Hyunjin 做的任何事情都不可能是刻板的。也不应该是。

While Chan is here, he may as well satisfy a fraction of his further curiosity, so he tears his eyes away for now, looking around the bathroom to see what there is to see. Rows and rows of skincare lining the sink, of course, matching the myriad bottles inside the shower, just like how he used to be. Intimidating objects and devices—something that looks like a hunk of raw jade, a scissor-looking thing with an uninviting metal arc on the end, multiple sets of tweezers—scattered over the counter. Hairspray and dry shampoo. A micro-USB charger. An entire rack of astronomically expensive perfumes and colognes. By Chan’s left hand, closest to the electric toothbrush stand and the sink, an orange prescription bottle. Hyunjin Hwang, Lithium 300mg, take twice a day. It’s a life. Hyunjin is alive. He lives, here. He’s been living this whole time, with his own worries and hurts and needs and desires ranging from quiet to loud, and Chan never saw him—never thought twice. Oh, Hyunjin. How can Chan ever, ever make it up to him?
当陈在这里的时候，他不妨满足一点进一步的好奇心，所以他暂时把目光移开，环顾浴室看看有什么值得一看。当然，洗手池边排列着一排排护肤品，与淋浴内部的无数瓶子相匹配，就像他过去一样。令人生畏的物品和设备——看起来像一块生的玉石，一个看起来像剪刀的东西，末端有一个不受欢迎的金属弧，多套镊子——散落在柜台上。发胶和干洗发水。一个微型 USB 充电器。一整架天价香水和古龙水。在陈的左手边，靠近电动牙刷架和水槽，有一个橙色的处方瓶。黄炫镇，碳酸锂 300 毫克，每天服用两次。这是一个生活。黄炫镇还活着。他在这里生活。他一直在这里生活，有自己的忧虑、伤痛、需求和欲望，从安静到喧闹不等，而陈从未看到他——从未多想过。哦，黄炫镇。陈怎么才能弥补他呢？

He pushes off from the counter and crosses to the shower. Hyunjin looks surprised, then irritated as Chan opens the door, releasing a powerful gust of steam. “You’re letting out—”
"他从柜台上推开，走向淋浴间。Hyunjin 看起来吃惊，然后变得恼火，因为 Chan 打开了门，释放出一股强大的蒸汽。“你让出来了—”

“Budge up,” Chan says, and Hyunjin moves right away, shuffling to the side to make room. Not that it’s a particularly tight fit; this is altogether too much shower for one skinny boy. And Chan wants to be close to him, anyway, a hesitant hand resting on Hyunjin’s low back.
“挪挪位置，”Chan 说道，Hyunjin 立刻移开，往一边挪动让出空间。虽然并不是特别紧凑；这对于一个瘦小的男孩来说，这个淋浴间实在太大了。而且无论如何，Chan 想要靠近他，一只犹豫的手轻轻搁在 Hyunjin 的腰部上。

“What are you doing,” Hyunjin says, but it’s a mumble, it’s frightened. He doesn’t shy the touch off, but he doesn’t lean into it, either, a shiver sliding down his body, and Chan has to keep him from running away by putting his other hand on Hyunjin’s side and guiding him, pulling him, close.
“你在干什么，”Hyunjin 说，但声音含糊不清，带着恐惧。他没有躲开这个触碰，但也没有主动靠近，一阵颤栗顺着他的身体滑落，Chan 不得不用另一只手放在 Hyunjin 的腰侧，引导他，拉近他，防止他逃跑。

“Just let me,” Chan murmurs.
“让我来，”Chan 低声说道。

Hyunjin folds. He knows where his own hands should go by now, and so that’s where he puts them, while the heels of Chan’s palms rest on the shelf of his pelvis. Chan could fall asleep like this, standing up, blanketed in the hot steam. His lips are at Hyunjin’s collarbone, and he kisses there, and higher, and finally up to Hyunjin’s mouth, though they both then swallow water. Where has Hyunjin been, all this time? Has he just been waiting? Chan kisses him again, reaches up to push Hyunjin’s wet hair back from his face. All his touches are very slow, very deliberate, very careful. The kid-glove treatment. A precious thing. An impossible thing. To be handled with the utmost care, from here on out.
Hyunjin 低下了头。他现在知道自己的手应该放在哪里，所以他就把它们放在那里，而 Chan 的手掌跟着放在他的骨盆上。Chan 可以这样站着睡着，被热蒸汽包裹着。他的嘴唇在 Hyunjin 的锁骨上，他在那里亲吻，然后往上，最后到了 Hyunjin 的嘴唇，尽管他们两人都咽了水。Hyunjin 这段时间都在哪里？他一直在等待吗？Chan 再次吻他，伸手把 Hyunjin 湿漉漉的头发从脸上拨开。他的每一次触碰都很缓慢，很有目的，非常小心。像戴着儿童手套一样对待。一件珍贵的事物。一件不可能的事情。从现在开始，要小心翼翼地对待。

“I’m fine, Chris,” Hyunjin tells him quietly—he’s seriously telepathic. Chan just wishes it went both ways—what could possibly be going through Hyunjin’s mind right now? He wants Hyunjin to let him in. He wants to help. He never wants to be apart from him again. But finally, Hyunjin is kissing Chan back, and they remain that way for a long while, until there is an ominous clunk from deep in the building’s pipes and the water abruptly ratchets itself to five degrees above freezing.
“我没事，Chris，”Hyunjin leise 告诉他——他真的是心灵感应。Chan 只希望这种感应是双向的——现在 Hyunjin 的脑海中到底在想些什么呢？他希望 Hyunjin 让他进去。他想要帮忙。他永远不想再离开他了。但最终，Hyunjin 也回吻了 Chan，他们保持这样的姿势很久，直到建筑物深处传来一声不祥的咔嗒声，水突然自动调到比冰点高五度。

Hyunjin, naturally, shrieks in horror and attempts to hide behind Chan, using him as a human shield or furnace, and Chan, more than used to contrast showers, isn’t even the slightest bit fazed. He just grins and reaches out to shut the water off while Hyunjin continues cowering with his hands, still warm, gripping at Chan’s upper arms, as though he’d take any excuse to dig his fingers in. “Cold showers are really good for you,” he says, over the dripping from Hyunjin’s hair and his somehow offended-sounding shivery breathing. “We gotta toughen you up.”
Hyunjin 自然而然地尖叫着恐惧，试图躲在 Chan 身后，把他当作人类护盾或火炉，而 Chan，对于冷热对比的淋浴已经司空见惯，一点也不受影响。他只是咧嘴笑着伸手关掉水龙头，而 Hyunjin 则继续用双手蜷缩，依然温暖地抓着 Chan 的上臂，仿佛他想找任何借口把手指插进去。“冷水淋浴对你真的很有好处，”他说，声音盖过了 Hyunjin 头发上的滴水声和他那种听起来有点受冒犯的颤抖呼吸。“我们得让你变得坚强。”

“Over my dead body,” Hyunjin sniffs.
“除非我死了，”Hyunjin 鼻子哼了哼。

Chan laughs. Drama queen. But all of a sudden, the energy is so much less fraught, and he and Hyunjin leave the shower together on steadier footing than they’d gone into it. Hyunjin dries himself off with the fluffiest towel Chan has ever seen outside of a hotel, then spends about five minutes spraying his hair with various oils and minerals, as though Chan isn’t literally right there and trying not to fall asleep standing up again.
Chan 笑了。戏精。但突然间，能量减少了许多，他和 Hyunjin 一起离开淋浴间时比进去时更加稳定。Hyunjin 用 Chan 见过的除了酒店外最蓬松的毛巾擦干自己，然后花了大约五分钟往头发上喷各种油和矿物质，就好像 Chan 不是就在那儿，努力不再次站着睡着。

Eventually, after Hyunjin has brushed his hair literally one hundred times, he nods at his own reflection, then leaves the bathroom without so much as a word to Chan. Chan, by this point losing the ability to distinguish between reality and a dream, trails after him; is he staying over? Hyunjin had said he doesn’t have to leave, but—“Could I have, like, a blanket?” he says, and yawns.
最终，在 Hyunjin 梳了一百次头发之后，他对着镜子点点头，然后毫无言语地离开了浴室，连对 Chan 都没说一句话。此时的 Chan 已经分不清现实和梦境，跟在他后面；他是要留宿吗？Hyunjin 说他不用走，但是——“我可以，像，要一条毯子吗？”他说着，打了个哈欠。

Hyunjin, already turning down his bedsheets for bedtime, looks over his shoulder at Chan, Orpheus aghast. “A blanket? Why?”
Hyunjin 已经为睡觉而铺好床单，转过头看着 Chan，奥菲斯吃惊。“毯子？为什么？”

“So I can… couch,” Chan explains with an awkward, hesitant shrug.
“所以我可以…坐在沙发上，” 陈以尴尬、犹豫的耸肩解释道。

Hyunjin straightens up, tossing his glossy hair back. “Chris. How the fuck are you this stupid?”
Hyunjin 挺直身子，甩了甩他那闪闪发亮的头发。“Chris。你怎么这么蠢？”

Chan frowns a little. “That’s very rude,” he says mildly.
陈微微皱眉。“这样说很无礼，”他温和地说道。

Hyunjin huffs again. Another toss of his hair. “Whatever.”
Hyunjin 又哼了一声。他又甩了甩头发。“随便你。”

Maybe it’s Chan’s sleepy brain—maybe it’s the few hours he’s just spent with grown-up Hyunjin—maybe the fact that he just fucked grown-up Hyunjin has something to do with it, too. But as he looks at Hyunjin, and the way Hyunjin is glaring at him like he’s no more intelligent than a cedar log, something just—clicks. “Are you flirting with me?” he asks.
也许是灿的昏昏欲睡的大脑，也许是他刚刚与成年版的 Hyunjin 度过的几个小时，也许他刚刚与成年版的 Hyunjin 做爱也有关系。但当他看着 Hyunjin，看着 Hyunjin 盯着他，仿佛他比雪松木更愚蠢时，一些事情就—恍然大悟。“你在跟我调情吗？”他问道。

“Shut up,” Hyunjin says, suddenly pale but blotchy red.
“闭嘴，”Hyunjin 说，脸色突然苍白但布满红斑。

“You are,” Chan says. He feels much less sleepy now, the realisation having made him perk right up. “Were you always? When you said things like that? That’s… an interesting strategy.”
“你是的，”Chan 说道。他现在感觉清醒多了，意识让他立刻振作起来。“你一直都是吗？当你说那些话的时候？那个… 是一个有趣的策略。”

“Shut up,” Hyunjin insists, and quickly turns away, busying himself with fluffing pillows, but Chan can see that even his neck is starting to flush. “Just—no. You were being fucking stupid. No blanket. No couch. Get in here.” And he flings himself into the bed and pulls the covers up past his nose.
“闭嘴，”Hyunjin 坚持道，然后迅速转身，忙着拍打枕头，但 Chan 可以看到他的脖子甚至开始泛红。“别这样。你刚才真是太蠢了。不要毯子。不要沙发。进来吧。” 他一头扎进床里，把被子拉到鼻子上方。

So, so awkward. Chan feels a stab of something strong, an even harder pulse than had gone through him in the bathroom and compelled him to join Hyunjin in the shower. Hyunjin is glaring at him balefully over the top of the blanket, and Chan doesn’t want to stop looking at him, but he does want to hold Hyunjin in his arms as they both fall asleep, so he approaches the bed like Steve Irwin approaching a croc enclosure. Slow and steady, one hand out to reach for the covers, the other hand going for the pull cord of the lamp. He tugs it, and the light snaps off, and from there, he has to rely only on touch and sound to make it into the bed, until his eyes can adjust.
如此尴尬。Chan 感到一阵强烈的刺痛，比在浴室里被冲击到时更加强烈，那时迫使他加入 Hyunjin 一起淋浴。Hyunjin 怒视着他，从被子上方瞪着他，Chan 不想停止看着他，但他确实想抱着 Hyunjin 一起入睡，于是他像 Steve Irwin 走近鳄鱼围栏一样走向床边。缓慢而稳定，一只手伸出去拿被子，另一只手去拉灯的拉绳。他拉了一下，灯光熄灭了，从那时起，他只能依靠触觉和听觉来爬上床，直到他的眼睛能够适应黑暗。

Hyunjin is there. Waiting for him, and quiet, and moonlit. He stays still and waits for Chan to get close to him. He’s more yielding when Chan puts his arms around him, slipping down a little right away so he can use Chan’s shoulder as a pillow, as though he’s been planning to put himself there for a while. He probably has. His wet hair makes Chan shiver, but the rest of his body is warmer, or warming up. So Hyunjin sleeps naked, eh? Not in monogrammed silk pyjamas? Chan runs his hand up and down Hyunjin’s side, and Hyunjin shivers but doesn’t move away. Sweet, now.
在那里是 Hyunjin。等着他，安静，月光下。他保持静止，等着 Chan 靠近他。当 Chan 抱住他时，他更加温顺，立刻滑落下来，这样他就可以用 Chan 的肩膀当枕头，仿佛他早就计划好要把自己放在那里一样。他可能确实是这样。他湿漉漉的头发让 Chan 打了个寒颤，但他的身体其他部位更暖和，或者正在变暖。所以 Hyunjin 睡觉是赤裸的，是吗？不是穿着刺绣丝质睡衣吗？Chan 把手在 Hyunjin 的身边来回摩擦，Hyunjin 打了个寒颤，但没有挪开。甜蜜，现在。

It’s dark and quiet, and Chan is so tired. He rests his cheek against Hyunjin’s damp hair. “Are you okay?” he murmurs.
黑暗而安静，Chan 非常疲倦。他把脸颊靠在 Hyunjin 潮湿的头发上。“你还好吗？”他低声说。

Hyunjin makes an incoherent grumpy noise. “You’re asking all the wrong questions.”
Hyunjin 发出一声含糊不清的抱怨声。“你问的都是错的问题。”

Now that Chan knows Hyunjin has, apparently, been snapping at him all these years as a misguided, failed flirtation strategy, his response to that sort of thing is very different. Hyunjin doesn’t discomfit or upset him anymore. Hyunjin was just—trying to connect with him. It’s a love language thing. They’ll figure it out. So he just smiles, thumb brushing lightly over Hyunjin’s skin. “What should I ask about, then? What you meant earlier?”
现在陈知道，原来贤振一直以来对他发脾气，是一种误解的、失败的调情策略，他对这种事情的反应完全不同了。贤振不再让他感到尴尬或不安。贤振只是想要和他建立联系。这是一种爱的表达方式。他们会搞清楚的。所以他只是微笑着，拇指轻轻划过贤振的皮肤。“那我应该问什么呢？你刚才是什么意思？”

“When, earlier?” “什么时候，刚才？”

“You said I had it all wrong, earlier. You know, when I deduced that you wanted to be friends. Is…” He has to word this next part carefully. He has a long time to make up for; so does Hyunjin. He doesn’t want to hurt Hyunjin’s feelings—he just wants to make amends, and see where they end up, together. “Is this what you meant?”
“你说我完全错了，刚才。你知道的，当我推断你想和我做朋友时。是…” 他必须小心翼翼地措辞下一部分。他有很长时间要弥补；贤振也是。他不想伤害贤振的感情—他只想弥补过失，看看他们最终会走到哪里。“这就是你的意思吗？”

Hyunjin is silent for a very long time, so long that Chan would have thought he’d fallen asleep if not for the blinking brush of his eyelashes over Chan’s shoulder. Then he opens his mouth, and begins to tell Chan a long string of secrets, the kind of secrets that go back years, that were kept by Hyunjin and all his friends and enemies and lovers. Chan and their parents, it seems, were the only ones in the dark. Hyunjin had been making it so obvious. Chan was his sexual awakening. He tells Chan secrets that make Chan smile—when he’d had that choppy DIY haircut, for instance, it was because Chan had thoughtlessly said his long hair looked cool one day, and Hyunjin, fourteen and more than a little manic, couldn’t handle that much attention and had begged his friend to be the rational one here, and when the friend had pronounced the verdict that “Chris was just being polite, probably,” Hyunjin had asked for a haircut with all the noble gravitas of a captured sailor walking the plank. There are also secrets that make Chan blush and wish he hadn’t heard—“I had my first orgasm thinking about you.” Hyunjin is, indeed, a member at Chan’s gym, but he’d signed up with his coworker’s name so as not to get Chan’s attention before he was ready to come forward. The night of Chan’s prom, Hyunjin had cried himself to sleep—and all the other nights that week, before and after. “I’m kind of a crybaby,” Hyunjin tells him, unabashed, as if Chan didn’t know that already. “Only over you, though,” Hyunjin adds, which is new.
Hyunjin 沉默了很长时间，时间如此之长，以至于灿会以为他已经睡着了，如果不是他的睫毛在灿的肩膀上眨动。然后他开口，开始告诉灿一长串秘密，那种可以追溯多年的秘密，是由 Hyunjin 和他所有的朋友、敌人和情人共同保守的。看来，除了灿和他们的父母，其他人都是蒙在鼓里的。Hyunjin 已经表现得如此明显了。灿是他的性觉醒。他告诉灿一些让灿微笑的秘密——比如，当他那一头凌乱的自己动手剪的发型时，是因为有一天灿不经意地说他的长发看起来很酷，而十四岁的 Hyunjin，有些狂躁，无法承受那么多的关注，于是恳求他的朋友做个理智的人，当朋友宣判“克里斯可能只是客气而已”时，Hyunjin 以一个被俘的水手走上走板的庄严态度要求剪发。还有一些让灿脸红并希望自己没有听到的秘密——“我第一次高潮是想着你。"Hyunjin 确实是 Chan 的健身房会员，但他用他同事的名字注册，以免在准备好之前引起 Chan 的注意。在 Chan 的舞会之夜，Hyunjin 哭着入睡了——那周的所有其他夜晚，之前和之后也是如此。“我有点爱哭鬼，”Hyunjin 无愧地告诉他，好像 Chan 不知道一样。“只是因为你，”Hyunjin 补充道，这是新的。

Each secret he tells is a new clicking puzzle piece, filling out a complete and glorious picture. He’d thought Chan would hate him, if he knew. He thought Chan did hate him. But before Chan can tell him that he thought exactly the same thing about Hyunjin, and before he can ask for more secrets, before he can start apologising and tell Hyunjin a few secrets of his own—like how he always wanted to be close, and even though he can’t match the depth and breadth of everything Hyunjin’s had going on for the last near-decade of staying out of each other’s orbit, he knows for certain now that he doesn’t ever want to be apart from him again—he falls asleep. Hyunjin is literally mid-sentence, and Chan is so interested in everything he’s saying, but—it’s been a very long night. He’d be embarrassed and apologetic about it (like everything else) if he weren’t, well, asleep.
他透露的每个秘密都是一个新的拼图碎片，填补出一个完整而辉煌的画面。他曾以为灿会讨厌他，如果他知道的话。他以为灿确实讨厌他。但在灿能告诉他他对贤真也有同样的想法之前，在他能要求更多秘密之前，在他开始道歉并告诉贤真一些自己的秘密之前——比如他总是想要靠近，尽管他无法与贤真过去近十年来所经历的一切深度和广度相匹敌，但他现在确信自己绝不想再离开他——他就睡着了。贤真正好在说话中途，而灿对他所说的一切都很感兴趣，但——这是一个漫长的夜晚。如果他没有睡着，他会为此感到尴尬和道歉（就像其他一切一样）。

The next time he moves, it’s very dark, and very quiet. Some sort of primal anxiety had awakened him, a feeling he’d thought he’d forgotten: reaching for someone in bed and finding no body there. The digital clock on Hyunjin’s nightstand reads 4:01, and there’s a quiet noise from beyond the bedroom. Chan rubs his bleary eyes and considers going back to sleep, but what if something is wrong? What if Hyunjin is upset? He makes himself get up and pull on his boxers, eyes barely open as he follows the light to the kitchen, where Hyunjin is leaning over his laptop on the counter, his back to Chan.
下一次他移动时，天很黑，很安静。某种原始的焦虑唤醒了他，一种他以为已经忘记的感觉：伸手去摸床上的人，却发现那里空无一人。Hyunjin 床头柜上的数字时钟显示 4:01，卧室外传来一阵轻微的声音。Chan 揉了揉迷蒙的双眼，考虑是否回去睡觉，但如果出了什么事怎么办？如果 Hyunjin 不开心怎么办？他强迫自己起床穿上短裤，眼睛几乎睁不开地跟随光线走到厨房，发现 Hyunjin 俯身在柜台上的笔记本电脑前，背对着 Chan。

His back. He’s wearing a faded red shirt; well-worn, well-loved. Familiar. Chan hasn’t seen it in years; he thought it had been lost in the move, but evidently, Hyunjin has had it this whole time? Chan’s varsity jersey. Emblazoned across Hyunjin’s shoulderblades, it says BANG—name, claim, or instruction? Chan shudders. Is he a total caveman for being into that? Hyunjin’s hair is up in a high ponytail, and he’s in yet another pair of tight black briefs to show off his perky little bum, one ankle crossed back over the other as he scrolls down a webpage.
他的背影。他穿着一件褪色的红色衬衫；破旧而心爱。熟悉。Chan 多年来都没见过它；他以为在搬家时丢失了，但显然，Hyunjin 一直留着它？Chan 的校队球衣。印在 Hyunjin 肩胛骨上，写着 BANG—名字、所有权，还是指示？Chan 打了个寒颤。他因为喜欢这个而被认为是原始人吗？Hyunjin 的头发扎成高马尾，又穿着一条展示他翘臀的紧身黑色内裤，一只脚踮起交叉在另一只脚上，滚动网页。

He’s so beautiful. Chan’s throat is suddenly so dry. He clears it, and, idiotically, says, “Hey?”
他好美。陈的喉咙突然变得干燥。他清了清嗓子，傻乎乎地说：“嘿？”

Hyunjin glances back over his shoulder. His face is soft and sleepy, and Chan is absolutely gobsmacked by Hyunjin’s beauty, even in the middle of the night, when Chan feels like he himself looks like a freshly-uprooted turnip. “What?” he says.
Hyunjin 扭头看了一眼。他的脸柔和而昏昏欲睡，陈完全被 Hyunjin 的美貌所震撼，即使在半夜，当陈觉得自己看起来像一个刚被拔起的萝卜时。“什么？”他说。

“Nothing,” Chan says. “I just—didn’t know where you’d gone.”
“没事，”陈说。“我只是——不知道你去哪了。”

Hyunjin shrugs a little. “Couldn’t sleep. Wanted a midnight snack.”
Hyunjin 耸了耸肩。“睡不着。想吃点夜宵。”

It’s 4 AM, and Hyunjin is holding a Starbucks iced coffee. He and Chan live on entirely different planets. It’s kind of amazing, and Chan is so distracted by the fucking jersey. He’d thought he’d more than gotten his rocks off earlier, but—evidently there are still rocks to go. Fuck, not now. “Okay,” he says. Hyunjin raises his eyebrows at him, then turns to his laptop again, but he hasn’t told Chan to fuck off, so Chan dares to approach, standing by his side. “What are you up to?” he murmurs.
现在是凌晨 4 点，Hyunjin 手里拿着一杯星巴克冰咖啡。他和 Chan 生活在完全不同的星球上。这有点令人惊讶，而 Chan 被那该死的球衣分散了注意力。他原以为之前已经得到了满足，但——显然还有些事情没做完。该死，现在不行。“好的，”他说。Hyunjin 瞪大眼睛看着他，然后再次转向他的笔记本电脑，但他并没有让 Chan 滚开，所以 Chan 敢于走近，站在他身边。“你在忙什么？”他低声说。

“Picking out a new phone,” Hyunjin says. “I have to go actually get it tomorrow.”
“挑选新手机，”Hyunjin 说。“明天我得去拿。”

“Today,” Chan corrects. “今天，”Chan 纠正道。

Hyunjin huffs quietly but doesn’t snap, just keeps scrolling down the specs for the new iPhone Mini. Chan looks askance at the jersey again, and swallows to try and wet his parched throat. It’s quiet and different, in the late-late night. Under normal circumstances, Chan’s alarm would be set for two hours from now. He’s not sure if Hyunjin is upset, or angry. He feels like he missed something. Hyunjin clicks on the red colourway, and scrolls to see that it’s in stock at the nearest Apple store.
Hyunjin 轻声叹气，但没有发火，只是继续往下滚动查看新 iPhone Mini 的规格。Chan 再次斜眼看着球衣，咽了口口水，试图湿润干燥的喉咙。在深夜里，一切都是那么安静而又不同寻常。在正常情况下，Chan 的闹钟将在两个小时后设定。他不确定 Hyunjin 是不是生气了。他觉得自己漏掉了什么。Hyunjin 点击了红色款式，滚动查看发现最近的苹果商店有货。

“I’ll go with you,” Chan says before he can overthink it. “What else do you wanna get up to?”
“我陪你去，”Chan 在过多思考之前说道。“你还想做什么？”

At that, Hyunjin does look at him directly, unhappy in the blue light coming from his laptop screen. “Chris,” he says. “Let me make something very clear. I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want to be brothers. That’s—I have no interest in that, whatsoever. So if that’s what you’re hoping for right now, then forget it.”
在这一点上，Hyunjin 确实直视他，不满地看着从笔记本屏幕上发出的蓝光。“Chris，”他说。“让我非常清楚地表明一件事。我不想做朋友。我也不想做兄弟。我对此完全没有兴趣。所以如果你现在希望的是这个，那就忘了吧。”

Chan blinks. Even before Hyunjin’s done talking, he’s shaking his head. How deep must Hyunjin’s insecurity go for him to still feel that kind of clarification is necessary, even with his marks on Chan’s neck, with the secrets he’d been telling ringing in Chan’s ears? They’re on unbalanced ground, Chan knows. Chan has a decade of catch-up to play. It’s not as clear-cut to him, the way it is to Hyunjin. Hyunjin, even now, exists in a place that says care to Chan. All tied up in regret, compensation, guilt. And beauty, too. Desire, now. Hyunjin has been holding onto that jersey for all these years—while Chan wondered where it went. And Hyunjin had it. “Not what I’m hoping for,” Chan says.
Chan 眨了眨眼。甚至在 Hyunjin 说完之前，他就摇了摇头。Hyunjin 的不安到底有多深，他才觉得有必要做出那种澄清，即使他在 Chan 脖子上留下了印记，在他耳边响起了他一直在告诉的秘密？Chan 知道，他们站在不平衡的地面上。Chan 需要赶上十年的差距。对他来说，情况并不像对 Hyunjin 那样清晰。即使在现在，Hyunjin 存在于对 Chan 表示关心的地方。所有这一切都牵扯着后悔、弥补、内疚。还有美丽，也有欲望。现在，Hyunjin 一直保存着那件球衣——而 Chan 一直在想它去了哪里。而 Hyunjin 却一直拥有着它。“不是我所期望的，”Chan 说。

“Then what?” Hyunjin says.
“那么呢？”Hyunjin 说。

“I’m hoping,” Chan says, “to give you what you want.”
“我希望，”Chan 说，“能给你想要的。”

“Do you even know what that is?”
“你甚至知道那是什么吗？”

Good point. “I’m hoping to figure it out,” Chan admits. “If you’re willing to let me try.”
有道理。“我希望能弄清楚，”Chan 承认。“如果你愿意让我试试的话。”

“I told you earlier, actually,” Hyunjin says with a sniff, reaching for his iced coffee again, “but you were asleep.”
「我之前告诉过你，」Hyunjin 带着一声轻响说着，再次伸手拿起他的冰咖啡，「但你当时在睡觉。」

Chan reaches out to still his hand; they meet on cold condensation. He hears Hyunjin’s shiver. “So tell me again.”
Chan 伸手稳住他的手；他们的手碰到了冰冷的凝结物。他听到了 Hyunjin 的颤抖。「那就再告诉我一遍吧。」

Hyunjin’s lips purse. He’s giving Chan a look; it’s familiar. It reminds Chan of the way Hyunjin always used to look at him, when they first met. Even the first time, too, under the dimming lights of the cinema. Chan knows what it means now, he thinks. I want to know you, but I’m scared. Hyunjin says, his voice a little small, “Can’t you just guess?”
Hyunjin 紧抿双唇。他正用一种眼神看着 Chan；这种眼神很熟悉。它让 Chan 想起 Hyunjin 初次见面时常常对他投来的目光。甚至是第一次，在电影院昏暗的灯光下。Chan 现在明白这意味着什么，他想。我想了解你，但我害怕。Hyunjin 说，声音有些低沉，「你就不能猜猜看吗？」

Chan closes the laptop and leaves them both in the dark, so they’re alone together. Blindly, he reaches up to cup Hyunjin’s face in his hands. “I think so,” he says, and guesses right.
Chan 关闭了笔记本电脑，让他们俩处于黑暗中，这样他们就可以独处。他盲目地伸手用手掌托住 Hyunjin 的脸。“我想是的，”他说，猜对了。