When I was younger, I would have been perfectly happy spending hours alone in my room reading, learning about my latest obsession, and letting my mind wander.
在我年轻的时候，我非常乐意花几个小时独自待在房间里读书，了解我最近的痴迷，并让我的思绪游荡。
But my mom was intentional about creating opportunities for me to engage and socialize—encouraging me to interact with all the guests who visited our house and making me serve as a greeter at my dad’s work events.
但我的妈妈有意为我创造机会去参与和社交——鼓励我与所有来我们家做客的人互动，并让我在爸爸的工作活动中担任迎宾员。
She believed that connecting with others was a skill that had to be cultivated, even (or perhaps especially) for an introverted kid like me.
她相信与他人建立联系是一种需要培养的技能，即使（或者也许尤其）对于像我这样内向的孩子来说。

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately after reading David Brooks's newest book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. It was recommended to me by my friend Bernie Noe, and I was eager to dive in because I know David and enjoyed his previous book, The Road to Character. (Also: Whenever Bernie recommends a book to me, I read it.) The key premise is one I haven't found in any other book: that conversational and social skills aren't just innate traits—they can be learned and improved upon.
最近，在读了大卫·布鲁克斯的新书《如何了解一个人：深入观察他人并被深入观察的艺术》后，我一直在思考这个问题。这本书是由我的朋友伯尼·诺推荐给我的，我很想深入了解，因为我认识大卫，并且很喜欢他之前写的《通往品格之路》一书。（另外：每当伯尼向我推荐一本书时，我都会读。）书中的一个关键前提是我在其他任何书中都没有发现的：谈话和社交技巧不仅仅是天生的特质——它们是可以学习和提高的。

As someone who has always been more comfortable making software than small talk, I found this idea both refreshing and informative. As a result, even though some of its advice may seem fairly rudimentary, the book is now my favorite of anything David has written.
作为一个一直以来更愿意制作软件而不是闲聊的人，我发现这个想法既令人耳目一新，又很有启发性。因此，即使其中一些建议看起来相当基础，这本书现在也成了大卫所写的所有作品中我最喜欢的一本。

While reading How to Know a Person, I took a ton of notes and reflected on my own communication style. In Chapter 6, "Good Talks," David dives into what makes a conversation meaningful.
在阅读《如何了解一个人》时，我做了很多笔记，并反思了自己的沟通方式。在第 6 章“良好的谈话”中，大卫深入探讨了让对话变得有意义的因素。
It really got me thinking about when I am fully present and engaged in a conversation, and when am I just trying to preserve my energy or avoid being interrupted.
这让我真正思考，当我在谈话中完全在场并投入时，以及当我只是试图保持精力或避免被打断时。
I had to laugh at myself a bit, because I know I've been guilty of talking about topics I find fascinating, like the history of fertilizer, without always checking to see if the other person is interested.
我不得不有点嘲笑自己，因为我知道我曾犯过谈论我发现很迷人的话题的错误，比如化肥的历史，而没有总是检查一下对方是否感兴趣。

One powerful takeaway from the book is the importance of active listening—or, as David calls it, loud listening. “When another person is talking,” he writes, “you want to be listening so actively that you’re practically burning calories.” I’m pretty good at that kind of listening when I’m super interested in a topic, especially when I’m learning something new.
从这本书中获得的一个有力的启示是积极倾听的重要性——或者，正如大卫所说的，大声倾听。“当另一个人在说话时，”他写道，“你要非常积极地倾听，以至于你几乎在燃烧卡路里。”当我对一个话题超级感兴趣时，我非常擅长那种倾听，尤其是在我学到新东西的时候。
But the book made clear how transformative it can be to bring that same enthusiasm when listening to someone talk about a hardship they’re dealing with or an accomplishment they’re proud of.
但这本书明确指出，当倾听某人谈论他们正在处理的困难或他们引以为豪的成就时，带着同样的热情会产生怎样的变革。

Fortunately, the book is full of practical advice for doing that.
幸运的是，这本书充满了如何做到这一点的实用建议。
David emphasizes something I’ve found really helpful in my own life: asking open-ended questions—with phrases like "How did you…," "What's it like…," "Tell me about…," and "In what ways…"—that invite people to share their experiences and perspectives in a more in-depth way.
大卫强调了一件在我自己生活中发现非常有帮助的事情：提出开放式问题——使用诸如“你是如何……”、“这感觉如何……”、“告诉我……”和“在哪些方面……”之类的短语——邀请人们以更深入的方式分享他们的经历和观点。
David also recommends using the "looping" technique, where you paraphrase what someone has just said to ensure you've understood them correctly.
大卫还建议使用“循环”技术，即你复述别人刚刚说过的话，以确保你正确理解了他们。
And he endorses what experts call the SLANT method to convey attention and interest in a conversation: Sit up, Lean forward, Ask questions, Nod, and Track the speaker.
他赞同专家们所说的 SLANT 方法，以在谈话中传达关注和兴趣：坐直，前倾，提问，点头，并追踪说话者。

What I found especially compelling about the book is how it shows that these skills are relevant across all kinds of relationships and interactions.
我发现这本书特别引人入胜的地方在于，它展示了这些技能与各种关系和互动相关。
Whether you're catching up with a close friend, chatting with a coworker, or just exchanging pleasantries with someone while waiting in line for a cheeseburger, being fully present and attuned can transform the encounter.
无论你是与亲密的朋友聊天，与同事闲谈，还是在排队等芝士汉堡时与某人寒暄，全神贯注并保持协调都能改变这次邂逅。
These simple practices can go a long way in making others feel heard and valued.
这些简单的做法可以极大地让别人感到被倾听和被重视。

The more I read, the more I realized how much the book's insights connect to the broader challenges we face in today's world. Back in 1995, when I wrote The Road Ahead, I predicted that technology would make it easier for us to stay connected with our hometowns and share our lives with others. And in many ways, it has.
我读得越多，就越意识到这本书的见解与我们当今世界面临的更广泛挑战有多么紧密相连。早在 1995 年，当我写《未来之路》时，我就预测技术将使我们更容易与家乡保持联系，并与他人分享我们的生活。在很多方面，它确实做到了。
But David argues in Chapter 8, "The Epidemic of Blindness," that technology has also contributed to a growing sense of loneliness and disconnection. We may be more connected than ever, but are we truly seeing and understanding each other?
但在第 8 章“失明流行病”中，大卫认为，技术也加剧了孤独感和疏离感。我们可能比以往任何时候都更加紧密地联系在一起，但我们是否真正看到并理解彼此？

This question becomes even more urgent when considering the social and political divisions David highlights.
当考虑到大卫强调的社会和政治分歧时，这个问题变得更加紧迫。
The statistics he cites about the rise in depression, suicide, and distrust are alarming, and he makes the case that this social unraveling is fueling our political divides.
他引用的关于抑郁症、自杀和不信任感上升的统计数据令人震惊，他认为这种社会解体正在加剧我们的政治分歧。
His discussion about how politics can become a substitute for genuine connection—leading people to get their satisfaction from yelling at those they disagree with instead of trying to understand them—highlights a trend that worries me a great deal.
他关于政治如何成为真正联系的替代品——导致人们从对那些他们不同意的人大喊大叫中获得满足，而不是试图理解他们——的讨论强调了一个让我非常担忧的趋势。

In the book, David connects these social ills to changes in our education system. He argues that schools have shifted away from teaching what he calls “moral and social skills,” and that this has left us ill-equipped to build strong relationships and communities.
在书中，大卫将这些社会弊端与我们教育体系的变化联系起来。他认为学校已经不再教授他所谓的“道德和社会技能”，而这让我们缺乏建立牢固关系和社区的能力。
It’s an interesting and timely argument for sure, but I wished it were further built out.
这是一个有趣且及时的论点，但我希望它能进一步发展。
I’d be interested in reading more about how David defines this type of teaching, how he measures the changes, and how he thinks education can help reverse some of these troubling social trends. In fact, I think there’s another book waiting to be written here.
我很乐意阅读更多关于大卫如何定义这种类型的教学、如何衡量变化以及他如何认为教育可以帮助扭转一些令人不安的社会趋势的内容。事实上，我认为这里还有另一本书等待着被写出来。

For the most part, though, what makes David's book so compelling is that it challenges us to put its insights into practice.
然而，在很大程度上，大卫的书之所以如此引人入胜，是因为它挑战我们实践其见解。
It's about being intentional in our interactions, whether that means asking more thoughtful questions, fully listening to the answers, or expressing genuine appreciation.
这关乎我们在互动中要有意图，无论这意味着提出更多有思考的问题、认真倾听答案，还是表达真正的欣赏。
It's about approaching conversations with generosity and curiosity, looking for ways to connect and understand.
它关乎以慷慨和好奇心来接近对话，寻找连接和理解的方式。
And it's about realizing that even small things—like asking the right question at the right time or giving a nice compliment—can make a big difference in building relationships. I’m certain that what I learned from the book will stay with me for a long time.
并且意识到即使是微不足道的事情——比如在正确的时间提出正确的问题或给予一个赞美——也能在建立关系中产生巨大的影响。我确信从这本书中学到的东西会伴随我很久。

Overall, I can’t recommend How to Know a Person highly enough. More than a guide to better conversations, it’s a blueprint for a more connected and humane way of living.
总体而言，我无法高度推荐《如何了解一个人》。它不仅仅是一本关于如何进行更好对话的指南，更是一本关于如何过上更具联系性和人道主义生活方式的蓝图。
It's a must-read for anyone looking to deepen their relationships and broaden their perspectives—and I believe it has the power to make us better friends, colleagues, and citizens.
对于任何希望加深人际关系并拓宽视野的人来说，这本书都是必读之作——我相信它有能力让我们成为更好的朋友、同事和公民。