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let yourself live  让自己活下去

Chapter 8: 8


thanks to my friend legushka who edited it!! ily <3
感谢我的朋友 legushka 编辑了它!!爱你 <3


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Chapter Text 章节正文

He remembers clearly their first meeting. Some little 'boom' happened either in Kaiser's heart or in his head. It didn't matter, because he kicked the ball stopping the guy without coordinating it with anything rational. He's so cute, this guy, wonder where he's from? Why is he here? Why is he alone? And frowns so cute when he's annoyed, Kaiser if restrained himself to smooth that wrinkle between his eyebrows with his fingers.  


Oh, so his name is Isagi Yoichi? How cute. 
哦,原来他叫Isagi Yoichi?真可爱。


Kaiser thought Isagi was beautiful when they first met. But when they first touched noses, oh, that's when he knew . It took all his self-control not to do something stupid, because Isagi Yoichi was absolutely beautiful. And his eyes? He had such beautiful eyes. Wonder if he knows he has a tiny scattering of translucent freckles on his nose. He wanted to run his fingers over them. 
Kaiser初次见到Isagi时便觉得他美极了。但当他们第一次鼻尖相触,哦,那一刻他才真正明白。他竭尽全力克制自己不做蠢事,因为Isagi Yoichi实在是美得惊人。还有他的眼睛?他的眼睛美得惊人。不知道他是否知道自己鼻子上散布着几颗透明的雀斑。他真想用手指轻轻抚过那些斑点。


He wanted to touch Isagi basically. More often than not, he didn't deny himself that, because he really couldn't. Once he ruffled Yoichi's hair, he realized that he was forever addicted to the gesture. For some reason he didn't mind. Though he always blushed heavily at this gesture from Kaiser, another reason not to stop. Isagi Yoichi was handsome in his own right, but Isagi blushing? Kaiser hoped he wouldn't have to find a portable defibrillator, because his heart stopped every time Isagi's cheekbones blushed for him. 
他渴望触碰Isagi,基本上是如此。大多数时候,他不会拒绝自己这种冲动,因为他真的无法抗拒。有一次他揉乱了Yoichi的头发,随即意识到自己已对这一举动上瘾。不知为何,他对此并不介意。尽管每次Kaiser因这个动作而脸红时,他也会跟着脸红,但这成了另一个不停止的理由。Isagi Yoichi本身就很英俊,但Isagi脸红的样子?Kaiser希望自己不必随身携带除颤器,因为每次Isagi为他而脸颊泛红时,他的心跳都会骤停。


Isagi Yoichi was interesting.  
Isagi Yoichi颇有趣味。


He liked to tell some stories from his childhood or about his adventures with his friends, he was smart, and he often made jokes (mostly at Kaiser). Every time Isagi told something, Kaiser listened to him with gusto, but there were things he preferred to keep quiet or answered very vaguely. 


There were so many questions in his mind.  


Why is Yoichi in Germany for so long if he is not happy here? Why is he alone? What is he doing here? Why does he look at him with guilt? Why is he so sad?


Kaiser wanted to ask all these questions, and he would probably ask even more if he got the answers. He was interested in every detail of the guy's life, but every time he tried to ask even approximate questions, Isagi looked as if he was going through the most severe internal struggle a person could have and avoided answering in every way. So, Kaiser having gradually probed the boundaries stopped asking. He was still curious but decided that Isagi would tell him himself when he was ready. He had no doubt that sooner or later it would happen. 


With Isagi was very easy.  


Trusting him was so easy. Kaiser was always an open person in his own right, but to him he could tell even the most delusional thought. He could discuss any topic with him, could talk about his past. It was probably the first time in his life that Kaiser could feel so comfortable around another person. Isagi Yoichi really was perfect. 
信任他如此简单。Kaiser 本身就是一个坦率的人,但对他,他甚至能倾诉最荒诞不经的想法。他们可以讨论任何话题,谈论彼此的过去。这或许是 Kaiser 一生中第一次在另一个人身边感到如此自在。Isagi Yoichi 真的无可挑剔。


But at the same time, there was something wrong with Isagi.   


Kaiser did not know how to explain. It became much more noticeable after their first kiss. That night was really beautiful, Kaiser felt so happy. If it wasn't for one thing: why was Isagi crying? It was so strange, but there was the impression that the happier Isagi was the sadder he became. A paradox of sorts. Kaiser remembered wiping the tears from Isagi's face. It was probably not nice to think that way, but even now he was incredibly beautiful. He wanted to cradle him in his arms and hide him from everything that would bother him. 


Later that night, some of the truth about what was happening to Isagi was revealed to him. He still didn't understand it, but now he knew that Isagi was really holding something inside and was really afraid to share it. What a silly Yoichi, he wouldn't leave him for anything in the world. Call him a romantic (and you can't go wrong) but Kaiser was convinced they were soulmates. He would take everything in Yoichi. 


Meeting the families was so much fun. And a little awkward. Anna was a very cheerful woman, and she took care of her grandson. Kaiser was impatient to introduce Yoichi to his family. He was sure the boy would be thrilled with his little sister because, well, it was Alice. It was hard not to be thrilled with such a wonderful child. 


In fact, Kaiser was quite nervous because he had never brought anyone home and didn't know how exactly the family would react. He was only sure that they would like Isagi because he was Isagi, the sweetest and most charming guy. He seemed excited after they met, on the way to Berlin, and asked a lot about his family. For some reason Isagi looked sad again, or rather guilty? Kaiser was about to ask when...  


"I have cancer."  “我得了癌症。”


It was... unexpected. Sudden enough for Kaiser to momentarily lose control and drive into the oncoming lane. He hardly knew what was happening, one moment all was well, the next he saw a car coming at him at an abnormal speed. He swerved to the side of the road before he could get frightened - reflexes and driving experience helped, because Kaiser himself wasn't sure he was able to process any data from the outside world right now.  


He needed to digest this information. 


Putting it all together, he realised that it actually explained a lot. A great many things . Isagi's condition, his diet, the strange looks from Anna, his being in Germany, the way he looked guilty or sad most of the time. It was definitely not what he had expected, but now another realization came to him: Yoichi, his sweet Yoichi, was dying. He was suffering, and there was no way Kaiser could change that. He couldn't even understand it until he was told directly. What an idiot. But this was no time for self-loathing. 


For a brief, nanosecond, a thought flashed through Kaiser's mind: he could help if he had the right education.  


But he quickly shifted his focus - that's another detail to think about later. There are more important things right now. 


He sat confused, trying to figure out how to react. What should he say to his dear Yoichi? Could he support him? Options flashed through his mind as fast as the many cars whizzed past them on the highway. The occasional flicker of light from the headlights helped Kaiser not to drift off into his thoughts completely and then he ventured to start talking.  


"Is it true?"    "这是真的吗?"


"Not the most appropriate subject for a joke."   


God, what an idiot he is. It was obviously true, but Yoichi doesn't seem annoyed by the question.  


Asking a few more clarifying questions he asks why Isagi didn't tell him earlier. It's not the easiest question, Kaiser realises that, but he doesn't want to be demanding on the guy. However, by asking it, he seems to have unleashed something in Isagi. And that something wasn't something good, no. It was fear. 


Kaiser could see the metamorphosis in Yoichi: his already pale face was almost white, his eyes were running as if trying to grasp at something, his hands clenched his trousers so tightly that just looking at it one could imagine the crack of the fabric tearing. Yoichi did look frightened and began to mutter something incoherent, it seemed to be an apology. How silly he was. 


He realised that this really worried Isagi: what if Kaiser gets mad? What if Kaiser would leave? That he would be disappointed? It was about the time remembered the Isagi's question he had asked the same night.  


He barely heard the click of the unbuckled seatbelt when Isagi threw himself into his arms. Something inside Kaiser, some small part relaxed. This conversation would clearly not be enough to convince Isagi that this was absolutely not something he needed to worry about and that he had nothing to blame himself for, but at least now there was good ground for it. He would be sure to convince him. 


And how could he not? Not when Yoichi is crying so desperately in his arms.  


In an instant, Kaiser realises that he is crying too.   


He doesn't know how long it took before Isagi at least calmed down a little, but now they could talk. Kaiser had many questions and apparently now he could get an answers to them. 
他不知道过了多久,Isagi 至少稍微平静了一些,现在他们可以交谈了。Kaiser 有很多问题,显然现在他可以得到答案了。


Already at the hotel, while Isagi was taking a shower, Kaiser could afford to think more about his past idea. He was quite enthusiastic actually, but would he be able to cope? Getting a medical degree would be difficult and he needed to discuss it with his parents, think it over again. He looks at the bathroom door behind which he can hear the shower turn off.  
已经在酒店里,当Isagi 在洗澡时,Kaiser 有时间更深入地思考他过去的想法。他其实相当兴奋,但他能应付得来吗?获得医学学位会很困难,他需要和父母讨论,再三考虑。他看着浴室门,能听到淋浴声停了下来。


Yoichi will probably say I shouldn't go through with this for him.
Yoichi 可能会说我为了他不应该这么做。


Isagi gets out of the shower, but... 


But what happened after that? Why does everything dissolve? Why is everything so fuzzy? Kaiser feels the memories slipping away from him becoming something vague and implicit.   


Why?   为什么?


He struggles to open his eyes after a seemingly endless sleep and tries to figure out where he is now.  


Ah, so that's why. 


He stares at the grey ceiling in front of him for the first time, remembering why he is here. Moving his neck is a little difficult, so he tries not to make any sudden movements. Kaiser turns his head to the left and notices a tube with a needle inserted in his forearm. A drip, then. How dizzying. Before he can draw any more conclusions, he begins to notice sounds. A quiet humming comes from the corridor - people seem to be walking there. A breeze blowing against a closed window and a squeaking sound. Kaiser raises his head just above the drip and notices the cardiac monitor beeping in accordance with his heartbeat. Then he notices another similar squeak and turns his head in its direction ignoring what slight dizziness it causes. 
他第一次凝视着面前的灰色天花板,回忆起自己为何在此。转动脖子有些困难,所以他尽量不做突然的动作。Kaiser 将头转向左侧,注意到手臂上插着一根针的管子。是点滴,真是令人晕眩。他还来不及得出更多结论,就开始注意到各种声音。走廊里传来轻轻的哼唱声——似乎有人在走动。一阵风吹过紧闭的窗户,发出吱吱声。Kaiser 他微微抬起头,超过点滴的高度,注意到心电监护仪随着他的心跳发出哔哔声。接着他又听到另一声类似的吱吱声,不顾由此引起的轻微晕眩,转头朝声音的方向望去。


Oh, of course.   哦,当然。


He looks at Isagi lying there, and the memories of the past twenty-four hours gradually come flooding back into his mind, almost driving away the drowsiness, but it's still too blurry. It seems there was anxiety, there was something wrong with Yoichi, there was... He glimpses his own cardiac monitor beginning to beep a little more frequently.  


"Yoichi...?" He says, or rather tries to, because he realises how much the dryness in his throat is. A glass of water would come in handy now. 


After a minute he gets no answer and so he presses the button conveniently next to his arm to call the doctor. It doesn't take long and after just a couple of minutes a nurse walks in with pre-prepared water and a doctor, probably that one who met Kaiser when he brought Isagi to the hospital. 


"Sir, water?" The nurse approaches him and when she sees the nod, she pours water into a glass and hands it to Kaiser who is finally able to rise up and be closer to a sitting position. He hisses slightly in pain where the cut was made. Kaiser eagerly drinks the water and only after draining the glass, he turns his attention to the doctor, but before he can speak the nurse asks him to keep his eyes open and shines a small torch into them, checking the reaction of his pupils, as Kaiser himself might guess. It's a miracle that he can figure it out right now. She says that the reaction is good after which the doctor begins to ask Kaiser. 
"先生,需要水吗?" 护士走近他,见他点头后,便倒了一杯水递给Kaiser,他终于能够稍稍起身,接近坐姿。他因伤口疼痛而轻吸一口气。Kaiser急切地喝着水,直到喝完杯子里的水,才转向医生,但还未等他开口,护士便要求他保持眼睛睁开,并用小手电筒照射他的眼睛,检查瞳孔反应,正如Kaiser自己可能猜到的那样。此刻他能理解这一切简直是奇迹。护士表示反应良好后,医生开始询问Kaiser。


"I'm going to ask you a few routine questions. Do you remember where you are?"  


"The hospital." Speaking is still a little unaccustomed and his throat seems to be slightly but perceptibly torn. At least it doesn't hurt as much.  
"医院。" 说话仍有些不习惯,喉咙似乎有轻微但可感知的撕裂感。至少没那么疼了。


"Do you remember why you're here?" 


Kaiser turns around slightly to look at Isagi lying there. You'd think he was asleep if it weren't for a few tubes attached to him. He turns his gaze back to the doctor. Memories slowly come back to him, but thinking is still difficult.  
Kaiser 微微转身看向躺在那里的 Isagi。若非几根管子连在他身上,你会以为他只是睡着了。他收回目光,转向医生。记忆慢慢回笼,但思考依旧困难。


"I brought Yoichi... then there was an operation. How is he?"  
"我带来了Yoichi... 然后进行了手术。他现在怎么样?"


The doctor sighs but can understand Kaiser. Now they both look at the sleeping boy. 


"The operation was a success. There were no complications. We've been monitoring you since the operation and there are no early signs of organ rejection, but you will need to stay here for a fortnight or ten days if all goes well. Tell me, how are you feeling?"  


Kaiser listens to the sensations.   
Kaiser 感受着身体的不适。


"Nauseous. Dizzy."  “恶心。头晕。”


The doctor nods and takes notes on the patient's condition.  


"Your cognitive abilities are recovering nicely, but more time is needed. Your best bet now is to get some sleep; if you sleep long enough, you'll feel better the next time you wake up. Do you have any more questions?"  


"When... When will he wake up?" 


"It has been almost two hours since the operation ended. He hasn't woken up from the anaesthetic yet, so we can't say for sure. Most likely soon." 


Kaiser nods. The doctor having received all the necessary information leaves the room and Kaiser, still unable to think straight, falls asleep.  
Kaiser 点头示意。医生获取了所有必要信息后离开了房间,而 Kaiser 仍思绪混乱,不知不觉间睡着了。


The next time he wakes up, it is already dark outside the window. His neck and wound still hurt, though not as badly, and he feels a little dizzy, but it seems to be more from the long sleep. 


Quickly scrolling through everything that had gone before in his head - luckily his head was thinking more clearly now, though there was still a little blurring - he turned towards Isagi. There wasn't really much space separating them, but they were still too far away to be able to touch the other. 
他迅速回顾了之前的所有事情——幸好现在头脑清晰了许多,尽管仍有些模糊——他转向 Isagi。两人之间并没有太多距离,但依旧远得无法触及对方。


At least now Kaiser could move a little, so now knowing what to do he pours water into a glass from a bottle left beside his bed without getting up. The cool water is pleasantly refreshing and wet his parched throat again, but he almost spits it out when he hears the voice. Distantly he notices that he is no longer attached to the cardiac monitor. 


"Micha?”  "Micha?”


Something shrinks inside Kaiser at this moment. Relief and fear at the same time.  


Kaiser quickly turns as quickly as possible in his position and stares at Isagi point-blank. He looks... clearly no worse than the last time he saw him awake.   
Kaiser 迅速转身,尽可能快地调整自己的位置,直视着Isagi。他看起来……显然不比上次见到他醒着时差。


"Yoichi? Are you awake? How are you?"  


"I've had worse." Isagi pauses, apparently gathering his thoughts. He is understandable. "Micha, why... why are you...?" 
"我经历过更糟的。" Isagi 停顿了一下,显然在整理思绪。这可以理解。"Micha,为什么……你为什么会……?"


How bad I want to pat his head .  


"Because couldn't I? See, direct proof we're soulmates, we're literally perfect for each other."  


"God, you're incorrigible." 


Kaiser hears a low chuckle - neither of them could speak loudly anyway - and lowers his gaze. He looks at the floor between them, at the measly two metres separating them, before he begins to speak more seriously.  
Kaiser 听到一声低沉的轻笑——反正他们俩都无法大声说话——于是垂下了目光。他盯着两人之间那区区两米的地面,然后开始更认真地开口。


"I was really scared, Yoichi, it was so scary, I... for one moment I thought I might lose you and..."  


Kaiser feels a forgotten fear rise up inside him, but the panic is stopped by Isagi. 
Kaiser 心中涌起一股被遗忘的恐惧,但恐慌被Isagi制止了。


"Hey? I'm here, silly. I was... was scared I was gonna lose you, too. But I'm here now? And you're here - both of us. The doctor came by not long ago, you were still asleep, we were discussing the operation and the results of the latest tests." Isagi smiles and something about his smile calms Kaiser down better than any sedative this hospital has to offer. "Everything seems to be fine. By the first indications at least. And we still have to wait a long time and see the doctors, but... but it seems to be true?"  
"嘿?我在这儿,傻瓜。我刚才...刚才害怕会失去你。但我现在在这儿了?你也在这儿——我们俩都在。医生不久前来过,你还在睡,我们讨论了手术和最新的检查结果。" Isagi 微笑着,他的笑容比这家医院提供的任何镇静剂都更能安抚 Kaiser 的情绪。"看起来一切都还好。至少初步迹象是这样。我们还得等很长时间,看医生的后续,但...但似乎是真的?"


Isagi turns his head away and stares into the canopy laughing quietly. 
Isagi 转过头,凝视着天篷,轻声笑了起来。


"But everything seems to be all right. God, I can't believe it, Micha, I... I don't know how to express how I feel about you. It's much more than a simple thank you, you saved my life. Or prolonged it, but after all this, I bloody well want to believe it. Thank you, Micha."  


Isagi's voice seems so... happy, despite all the circumstances and the uncertain future. 


Kaiser sits on the bunk. A portable drip, fine. It took him some effort to get to his feet, and he shuffles his bare feet across the cool floor. Dragging his body and the IV at the same time is a little harder than it first appears, but perhaps that's a weakness of Kaiser's own. He looks at the slightly disgruntled but mostly happy face of Isagi, who has moved so that his boyfriend can lie down beside him. 


The bunk is not narrow and hardly big enough for two men, but they manage to get comfortable without disturbing each other.  


Kaiser presses his face against the curve of Isagi's neck, the guy's skin muffling the sound of his voice, but Isagi can still hear him muttering.  
Kaiser 将脸贴在 Isagi 的颈弯处,对方的肌肤模糊了他的声音,但 Isagi 仍能听见他喃喃自语。


"I wanted to touch you so badly, Yoichi, and I was so worried."  Because of the needle, he can't move his left arm freely, but that doesn't stop him from taking Isagi's hand in his right. 
"我那么想触碰你,Yoichi,我真的很担心。" 由于针头,他无法自如地移动左臂,但这并未阻止他用右手握住 Isagi 的手。


"Me too, Micha." Isagi kissed the top of his boyfriend's head and buried nose in his hair, inhaling the hospital scent.  
"我也是,Micha。" Isagi 亲吻了男友的头顶,将鼻子埋入他的发间,深吸着医院的气息。


After lying for at least ten minutes in this peaceful and comfortable silence they were finally able to relax and just enjoy each other's presence. Both boys really appreciated this intimate moment between them, because they knew that soon the doctors would come and all the procedures would start again. 


Right now, at this moment, they had each other and that was enough. 


Kaiser pulls away first. He lies beside him and looks into Isagi's eyes, into his beautiful eyes.  




"Yeah?”  "嗯?”


"I love you."  "我爱你。"


"Don't you think it's ironic that we can say that to each other for the first time after everything that happened?" Isagi chuckled quietly. He looked a little surprised at first, but that quickly passed. "I love you too, Micha. More than you can imagine."  
"你不觉得在经历了那么多之后,我们能第一次这样对彼此说很讽刺吗?" Isagi 轻声笑道。他起初看起来有些惊讶,但很快这种情绪就消失了。"我也爱你,Micha。比你想象的还要深。"


Isagi places his free hand on Kaiser's cheek, stroking it fondly with his thumb. Kaiser closes his eyes enjoying the sensation. 
Isagi 用空着的手抚上 Kaiser 的脸颊,用拇指温柔地摩挲着。Kaiser 闭上眼睛,享受着这份触感。


"I think I can imagine that." He makes a barely perceptible movement of his head to kiss Isagi's palm. "Loving you is so natural."  
"我想我能想象得到。" 他微微点头,轻轻吻了 Isagi 的掌心。"爱你,是如此自然而然。"


It was true. Everything he'd ever felt around Isagi: the comfort, the trust, the excitement, the admiration - it all poured into a feeling of love. And it felt so right .  


"Soulmates, eh?"   “灵魂伴侣,是吧?”


"That was my line!" 


Isagi laughs a little at Kaiser's drama, while he himself can only stare at him lovingly. Pale and with dark circles, Isagi was still beautiful. It suited him to be loved, Kaiser thought aloof, as if all this flood of endless feelings for each other made him even more beautiful.
Isagi 对 Kaiser 的戏剧性表现轻笑一声,而他自己只能深情地凝视着他。尽管面色苍白、眼圈深陷,Isagi 依然美丽动人。Kaiser 冷冷地想,似乎彼此间无尽的情感洪流让他更显魅力。


"Micha, how can I ever thank you?"  


Receiving this question Kaiser ponders briefly though the answer has been on the surface for a long time. 
面对这个问题,Kaiser 略作沉思,尽管答案早已显而易见。


"Let yourself live, Yoichi." 


Isagi's eyes widen as he realises what he has been told, and suddenly he understands abruptly. This is what they have been going for all along, as if that were one of the important but not the final stops on their journey together. They still have a lot of trials ahead of them, after all, they need to make sure that the liver is properly engrafted, start again with treatment courses and constant tests... but all that will be in the future, it will be afterwards. They will go through it together. 


Isagi opens his mouth to reply but is interrupted by Kaiser.  


"And you can also marry me."  


For a second Kaiser was afraid that Isagi would really do it just out of gratitude, but looking into those happy and surprised eyes he dismisses any unnecessary doubts.  


"Micha, you're such... you're still an incorrigible romantic." 


"And you still love that about me."  


"Yes." Isagi sighed. "Definitely yes."  


The boys laughed softly at that.  


"And by the way, Yoichi?"  


"Yeah?"   “嗯?”


"Did you know you have a little scattering of freckles on your nose?"