Chapter Text 章节文本
Since the day he could form coherent thoughts, Kel was aware that he would always be in second place.
自从他能形成连贯的想法开始，Kel 就意识到自己永远都会处于第二位。
Whether it be in the eyes of his family, friends, teachers or anyone else, Kel knew that he would always be just a few steps behind Hero. He didn’t have the same intelligence, dashing good looks, charm, nor overall raw talent that his brother possessed. Sure, he was okay at some subjects, and it wasn’t like he had distaste for his appearance. In fact, he knew that there were people who found him handsome, as he had once asked Aubrey how attractive he was and she had said “fairly” before smacking him upside the head with Mr. Plantegg. Small victories.
无论是家人、朋友、老师还是任何其他人的眼中，Kel 都清楚自己永远只是 Hero 的几步之遥。他不像哥哥那样拥有同样的智慧、帅气的外表、魅力，也没有那种整体的原始天赋。当然，他在某些科目上还可以，也不讨厌自己的外表。事实上，他知道有些人觉得他英俊，因为他曾经问过奥布蕾他是多么有吸引力，奥布蕾回答说“还可以”，然后用 Plantegg 先生打了他一下头。小小的胜利。
And yet, deep down, he knew that none of those things could ever compare to the status Hero was held at.
然而，深藏心底，他知道所有那些东西都无法与 Hero 所拥有的地位相比。
Hero had always been the golden child - someone to praise, revere, to take pride in. He was always the best at everything he did, whether it be academics, cooking, or something as menial as a hot dog eating contest. No matter what, Hero was number one. When they were young, Kel couldn’t be bothered about it. He knew it was a fact of the universe that he was destined for greater, less nerdy things in life (in his own words), and didn’t care that his parents took no pride in his baseline scholastic achievements and above average skills when it came to sports.
Hero 一直是个宠儿——值得赞扬、敬畏、引以为傲。他在做任何事上都是最好的，无论是学业、烹饪，还是像热狗吃比赛这样微不足道的事。无论如何，Hero 都是第一。当他们还小的时候，Kel 并不在乎这些。他知道这是宇宙的事实，他注定要拥有更伟大、不那么书呆子气的人生（用他自己的话说），也不在乎他的父母对他的基本学业成就和体育方面的平均技能没有感到骄傲。
But, as he grew older, and when tragedy befell his tight knit group of friends, severing their seemingly unbreakable bond, he began to realize how much it really hurt.
但是，随着年龄的增长，当悲剧降临在他那紧密联系的朋友圈，割裂了他们看似不可打破的纽带时，他开始意识到这究竟有多伤人。
_______
The day after Kel’s fourteenth birthday, and few months after the first anniversary of Mari’s suicide, Hero had snapped. Kel’s feeble attempt to rouse him from his depressive state sent something reeling within him, and he dumped out every negative feeling that he’d kept simmering inside of himself out onto Kel, too fueled by fury to think about the repercussions of his actions. On the flip side, Kel had been absolutely terrified. Every word from Hero’s mouth felt like a punch to the gut, slowly tearing away his unknowingly fragile self esteem until he was nothing but a sobbing ball on the floor of their shared room, too guilt stricken to even move. He’d spent the next thirty minutes or so crying so hard he couldn’t breathe. His soft hiccups ricocheted off the walls, and even yet, no one came for him. At least not for a good long while. Hero eventually returned, muttering apologies and attempting to get Kel to so much as look at him, but it was too late. The damage was done. Kel had been made aware of how the world seemingly viewed him.
凯尔十四岁生日的第二天，也是马里自杀一周年后的几个月，希罗突然崩溃了。凯尔试图把他从抑郁状态中唤醒的微弱努力，在他内心掀起了波澜，他将所有积压在心底的负面情绪都倾泻在凯尔身上，愤怒让他无法考虑自己行为的后果。另一方面，凯尔吓得魂不附体。希罗嘴里的每一句话都像是在他胃里打拳，逐渐摧毁他无意识中脆弱的自尊，直到他变成他们共同房间地板上的一团啜泣的球，内疚到甚至无法动弹。接下来的三十分钟里，他哭得几乎无法呼吸。他轻柔的嗝声在墙壁间回荡，即便如此，也没有人来找他。至少在那之后很长一段时间里没有。希罗最终回来了，嘟囔着道歉，试图让凯尔至少看向他，但已经太晚了。伤害已经造成。凯尔意识到了这个世界似乎是如何看待他的。
In the eyes of everyone else, he was nothing but a nuisance. A burden. An annoyance, at very best, and a disgrace otherwise. He didn’t matter.
在其他人眼中，他不过是个麻烦。一个负担。充其量只是个烦人精，否则就是个耻辱。他无关紧要。
This fact was only reinforced by his negligent parents. Or at least, their tendency to be negligent when it came to him. On that fateful fall evening, they had done everything in their power to comfort the elder Rodriguez brother. As for the younger? He had been left to his own devices, and not even a word was muttered about his own breakdown the next day. Hero had been the one to try and make things right, as his parents wanted little to do with him. He was an embarrassment to the family, nothing like his brother. Every time Kel thought about it too much, he could feel his face twitch.
这一事实被他那疏于照顾的父母所加剧。或者说，至少在他们对待他时表现出这种疏忽。在那个命运多舛的傍晚，他们竭尽全力安慰了老罗德里格斯兄弟。至于那个小的呢？他被独自留了下来，第二天他自己的崩溃甚至没有人提及。是 Hero 试图弥补一切，因为他的父母几乎不与他来往。他是家庭的耻辱，一点也不像他的哥哥。每当 Kel 过多地思考这件事时，他都能感觉到自己的脸在抽搐。
However, even through all the hardships Kel’s life had thrown at him, he took them all in a painful stride and refused to show his inner turmoil to others. After all, he had always been such a happy go lucky person as a young boy. Why was there any reason for that to change? A little low self esteem and lack of self worth had never killed anyone, right?
然而，尽管凯尔的生活经历了种种磨难，他都以痛苦的方式承受了下来，并且拒绝向他人展示内心的动荡。毕竟，他从小就是个无忧无虑的孩子。为什么这种状态会改变呢？一点点的自卑和缺乏自我价值感从来不会杀死任何人，对吧？
If that was the case, then why had Mari committed suicide?
如果情况是这样，那么为什么玛丽自杀了呢？
Thoughts like that began to plague Kel more and more as he ascended from awkward tween to equally as awkward, if not a bit taller and more built teenager. Even with basketball, school and the like to distract himself, Kel still harrowed at the way Mari had died, and spent hours thinking to himself about why she would have done it.
随着 Kel 从笨拙的青春期少年成长为同样笨拙、甚至略高一些、体格更强壮的青少年，这种想法开始越来越多地困扰着他。即使有篮球、学校等事情分散他的注意力，Kel 仍然无法释怀 Mari 的死法，并且花费数小时独自思考她为何会这样做。
She was perfect, just like Hero. She had no reason to do that to herself. Hell, she had never once shown any signs of being depressed. Was she really just pretending all along? Pretending to be happy, stringing everyone along until it was too much to handle, and she cracked under the pressure?
她很完美，就像 Hero 一样。她没有必要那样对待自己。天哪，她从未表现出任何抑郁的迹象。她真的从一开始就在假装吗？假装快乐，拖累所有人，直到压力变得无法承受，然后她崩溃了？
The story he was building inside his mind felt all too familiar. Kel shook away the feeling every time, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t be rid of the way his mind whispered to him that he felt the same way, but just hadn’t reached the end of his fuse quite yet. That he was a ticking time bomb, shoving down every negative emotion he ever felt in favor of being the cheery friend that everyone could depend on, since there was no way he could ever be as perfect as Hero.
他脑海中正在构建的故事感觉异常熟悉。凯尔每次都试图摆脱这种感觉，但无论他多么努力，都无法摆脱脑海中那个声音的暗示——他感觉到了同样的情绪，只是还没到爆炸的临界点。他是个定时炸弹，强行压抑着所有负面情绪，以成为每个人都能依赖的阳光朋友，因为他永远无法像英雄那样完美。
And then the truth came out.
然后真相败露了。
_______
The summer before Kel was to turn seventeen, Sunny finally left his house. Kel himself had been the reason why - seeing the moving sign in his friend's front yard after years of radio silence brought him amounts of emotional pain he didn’t know what to do with, so like always, he swallowed it all back down and decided a plan of action. Something to do to make himself forget how much it hurt.
在凯尔即将十七岁的那年夏天，萨尼终于离开了他的家。凯尔自己就是原因——在多年无线电沉默后，看到朋友家门口的移动招牌让他承受了无法应对的情绪痛苦，所以他像往常一样，把这一切都咽了回去，并决定采取行动。做些什么来让自己忘记有多痛。
After some inner conflict, he had decided that trying to get Sunny to come outside would be his best course of action. After all, seeing the one friend he had basically lost along with Mari could serve as a good distraction for how much he had bottled up, and Sunny could probably use for some sunlight.
经过一番内心挣扎，他决定尝试让萨尼到外面来会是他最好的行动方案。毕竟，看到他几乎和玛丽一起失去的那个朋友，可以作为一个很好的分散注意力的方式，来缓解他积压的情绪，而萨尼可能也需要一些阳光。
Three days before Sunny was scheduled to leave Faraway Town forever, Kel found himself pounding on the door of the dim Suzuki household, desperately attempting to get their now only child to come to the door. Much to his surprise and delight, it had actually worked. Sunny opened the door with some hesitance, his usual cliff faced expression having grown tenfold more stoic, making it even more impossible to read his emotions than it had been when they were young.
在 Sunny 预定永远离开远方镇的前三天，Kel 发现自己正用力敲打着昏暗的铃木家大门，拼命想让他们现在唯一的孩子开门。令他惊讶又欣喜的是，竟然真的成功了。Sunny 带着些许犹豫打开了门，他平时那副悬崖般的表情变得更加沉稳，使得比他们小时候更难读懂他的情绪。
The next few days were an emotionally exhausting blur, ending with a bloodbath that no one could have seen coming. Part of Kel couldn’t help but blame himself as he watched Sunny and Basil be loaded into the ambulance, both beaten half to hell, Sunny just barely clinging on to life as the sirens wailed away into the dark night. His shoulders shook, and tears threatened to spill from his tired eyes, but upon seeing how utterly destroyed both Aubrey and Hero looked, he choked down his feelings, swallowed his pride, and tried not to show how terrified he was. If he wasn’t there to cheer them up, then who else would be?
接下来的几天在情感上令人筋疲力尽的模糊中度过，最终以一场无人预料的血腥屠杀告终。凯尔的一部分无法不责备自己，他看着阳光和巴斯尔被抬上救护车，两人都打得半死，阳光勉强吊着一口气，警笛声在漆黑的夜空中回响。他的肩膀颤抖着，疲惫的眼睛里泪水即将夺眶而出，但看到奥布里和英雄都显得如此狼狈，他强忍住情绪，放下尊严，试图不表现出自己的恐惧。如果他不在这里为他们打气，还有谁会呢？
It didn’t matter that the image of Sunny writhing on the ground, blood flowing endlessly from his lacerated eye, making horrifying noises of pure anguish was now imprinted in his slowly crumbling mind. It didn’t matter that he had held Sunny in his arms as Aubrey called 911, watching in terror as Hero did his best to subdue the bleeding. It didn’t matter that he felt completely helpless to save either of his two friends.
那 Sunny 躺在地上扭曲的画面，从撕裂的眼中不断流出的鲜血，以及那纯粹痛苦的恐怖声响，如今已深深烙印在他逐渐崩溃的脑海中。那不重要，因为他曾抱着 Sunny，在奥布里拨打 911，惊恐地看着英雄尽力控制出血。那不重要，因为他完全无力拯救他的两个朋友中的任何一个。
Blood still coated Kel’s clothing as the remaining teens silently watched as the blaring blue and red lights faded from view. He vomited into the bushes when he thought that no one was looking.
血迹仍沾染着凯尔的外衣，其余的青少年们默默注视着刺眼的蓝红灯光渐渐消失在视野中。当他认为没有人注意时，他在灌木丛中呕吐。
_______
The confession of the following morning affected Kel much more than he would ever tell anyone.
第二天早晨的坦白对凯尔的影响，远比他向任何人坦白的要多得多。
As Sunny poured his heart out to his friends, sparing no details and leaving nothing unsaid, Kel could feel his very world turn upside down. Mari hadn’t committed suicide. Hero had spent all that time blaming himself for nothing. He himself had spent countless hours overthinking her motives and finding shocking comparisons to his own experiences for no reason. As the others processed every word that hung heavy in the air, Kel felt his mind begin swimming. His thoughts danced around the fact that he had really just been projecting everything he’d bottled up on to someone who had assumedly done the very thing he was beginning to think more and more about every passing day.
当萨尼向朋友们倾诉心声，毫无保留地吐露一切时，凯尔能感觉到他的整个世界都颠倒了过来。玛丽并没有自杀。英雄花了一段时间自责，却毫无意义。他自己也花无数小时过度思考她的动机，毫无理由地将自己的经历与她的行为进行令人震惊的比较。当其他人处理着空气中沉重的话语时，凯尔感到自己的思绪开始混乱。他的想法围绕着这样一个事实打转：他真的只是将自己积压的一切投射到某个人身上，而这个人显然做了他越来越频繁地思考的事情。
Only she hadn’t done it. She was killed, and by her own little brother nonetheless.
只有她没这么做。她被杀了，而且还是被她自己的小弟弟。
Aubrey was seeing red, and Hero was too dumbfounded to speak. Meanwhile, Kel’s body seemed to act on its own, and he glided through the tension-filled room over to Sunny, wrapping the shaking and broken boy with a warm embrace. It was the only thing he could think to do, as the shock from the truth combined with his own personal revelation was a bit too much too fast. He wasn’t sure if the hug was for Sunny’s comfort, or for his own.
奥布里气得脸色发红，而英雄则惊讶得说不出话。与此同时，凯尔似乎不受控制，他滑过充满紧张气氛的房间来到阳光身边，紧紧抱住那个颤抖而破碎的男孩。这是他能想到的唯一办法，因为真相带来的冲击加上他自己的个人发现实在太猛烈、太突然。他不确定这个拥抱是为了安慰阳光，还是为了自己。
Surprisingly, Aubrey seemed to have a moment of clarity, and quickly dropped down to join them as well, followed by Hero. Sunny sobbed violently into Kel’s shoulder as the group embraced him, and in that moment, Kel decided whatever it was he was feeling about the true nature of the situation didn’t matter. His feelings were unimportant, especially with how obviously distraught both Sunny and Basil were. He could collect himself later. Or, better yet, he could bottle it up and hide it away with the rest of his problems in order to give his full support to his broken friends.
出乎意料的是，奥布里似乎突然清醒过来，迅速蹲下加入他们，英雄也跟了过来。阳光在大家拥抱他时剧烈地哭喊着，抱在凯尔肩头。就在那一刻，凯尔决定无论他对这个情况的真实性质有何感受都不重要。他的感受并不重要，尤其是阳光和巴兹尔显然都极度痛苦。他可以稍后再整理自己的情绪。或者，更好的办法是，他可以把它封存起来，和其他问题一起藏起来，以便全力支持他破碎的朋友。
Yeah, that was what he would do.
是的，他会这么做的。
_______
As the blustery heat of summer faded away into fall, and cool fall days all but disappeared into the chilly winds of winter, Kel could feel himself slipping even further.
随着夏季的狂热逐渐消退，秋风渐起，而凉爽的秋日也几乎消失在冬日的寒风中，凯尔感觉自己正滑落得更加深重。
It wasn’t like he would ever admit that aloud, of course.
当然，他永远不会公开承认这一点。
Once Sunny had left Faraway for what was to be forever, save for occasional visits to his friends, Kel came to the decision that no matter what happened, he was never going to let his mask crack again. He had been too emotional the night Sunny was hurt, and he had been too vulnerable in the morning after. In fact, he’d let himself be hurt enough that both Hero and Aubrey had asked how he was doing (although that little voice in his head told him they were likely just checking in with him because of what had happened, nothing more. It wasn’t like they really cared about him.) Never again was he going to let that happen.
自从阳光离开远方，除了偶尔探望朋友，再未回来，凯尔决定无论发生什么，他绝不会再让面具破裂。阳光受伤的那晚，他过于情绪化，而第二天早上，他又过于脆弱。事实上，他让自己受伤到英雄和奥布里都问他过得怎么样（尽管他脑海中的那个小声音告诉他，他们很可能只是因为发生了那件事才关心他，并没有别的。他们并不真的在乎他。）他再也不会让那种事情发生了。
Dark days grew darker. The sun began setting earlier in the evening, bringing night upon the world much sooner than any normal person would like. But not Kel. Not anymore. Instead of staying up way too late playing video games like he had in times past, he now retired with the sun, often skipping meals in order to sleep everything away. Sometimes, he wondered if this was how Sunny felt in those four years he spent alone.
黑暗的日子愈发深沉。太阳开始更早地落下，让世界在天黑之前就陷入黑暗，这远非任何正常人愿意看到的。但不是凯尔。不再这样了。他不再像过去那样熬夜玩游戏，而是随着太阳落下而休息，常常为了睡觉而省略 meals。有时，他不禁想，这是否就是阳光在那四年独自生活中感受到的。
When questioned, Kel blamed it on basketball; “I’m just tired from practice today!” He’d say, voice straining ever so slightly. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me.”
当被问及时，凯尔将原因归咎于篮球；“我今天训练太累了！”他会说，声音微微有些吃力。“我没事，别担心我。”
That was a lie. One particularly frigid December school day, Kel had watched as rain poured outside the window, and decided he was too emotionally drained for practice that afternoon. He skipped. After that, it became habitual to not go on off days, and he tried to ignore the fact that now, he was having more off days than normal ones.
那是个谎言。在一个特别寒冷的十二月学校日，凯尔看着窗外倾盆大雨，决定那天下午他情绪太低落，无法参加训练。他没去。从那以后，他养成了在休息日不去的习惯，并试图忽视这样一个事实：现在，他的休息日比正常的日子还要多。
But that was okay. Kel was okay with the fact that he constantly felt too bogged down to do anything of importance. He was okay with the fact that his already bad grades were slipping even further. He was okay with the fact that Aubrey always gave him weird looks when they hung out together. He was okay with being completely left alone with the terrors that had grown within his own mind, whispering to him about unspeakable things. He was okay with how often he now thought about how good it would feel to hurt himself.
但是那没关系。凯尔接受了他总是觉得自己被事情缠得太厉害，无法做任何重要的事情的事实。他接受了他本就糟糕的成绩正在进一步下滑的事实。他接受了他和奥布里在一起时奥布里总是用奇怪的眼神看他的事实。他接受了自己完全被内心滋生的恐怖所孤立，那些恐怖在他耳边低语着无法言说的事情。他接受了他现在多么频繁地想到伤害自己的感觉有多好。
Everything was okay. It had to be, because if it wasn’t, Kel wouldn’t know what to do with himself.
一切都还好。必须是这样，因为如果不是这样，凯尔不知道自己该做什么。
_______
Kel stared down at his arm in the darkness of he and Hero’s shared room, breathing shallowly as silent tears threatened to spill down his tired face.
凯尔在他和英雄共享的房间的黑暗中低头看着自己的手臂，浅浅地呼吸着，疲惫的脸上无声的泪水威胁着要滑落。
What in the hell had he just done?
他刚才到底做了什么混蛋事？
Hero was back in college until the spring, and he had just felt so alone and helpless and it all just hurt so much. Too much for him to handle. The inky blackness of his room seemed to swirl around him, wrapping its long, coiling tendrils around his heart and hollowing it out from the inside. He was so numb that it scared him. He didn’t know what else to do, and the once small voice inside his head that he could ignore just as easily as his feelings had taken over any rational thinking that remained.
英雄在春天之前一直待在大学里，他刚刚感到如此孤独无助，这一切都让他痛苦不堪。对他来说，这太过难以承受。他房间中墨色的黑暗似乎围绕着他旋转，用它长长的、盘绕的藤蔓缠绕着他的心，从内部将其掏空。他如此麻木，这让他感到害怕。他不知道还能做什么，而那个曾经可以轻易忽略他感受的小声音，已经取代了他残留的任何理性思考。
”Just once.” It whispered. ”No one will ever know if you do it just once. It’ll feel good, I promise. Relieve a little stress.
“就这一次。”它低语道。“如果你只做一次，没有人会知道。这会感觉很棒，我保证。能缓解一些压力。
So he did. 于是他照做了。
One stray tear managed to slip out of Kel’s weary eyes as he watched blood pool to the surface. His wounds stung in the open air, but the monster inside his mind was right. The pain felt good. It did relieve a little stress.
当凯尔疲惫的眼睛中一滴泪水滑落时，他看着血慢慢浮到表面。伤口在空气中刺痛，但心中的怪物是对的。疼痛感觉很棒。它确实缓解了一些压力。
And besides, Kel had felt like he deserved to hurt for a long time. He hadn’t been there for his friends, and he was no gifted golden child like Hero. Burdens deserved everything that came to them.
而且，凯尔早就觉得自己应该受点苦了。他一直没能陪伴朋友们，也不像英雄那样是个天赋异禀的金童。负担理应得到一切随之而来的东西。
No one noticed when Kel started wearing hoodies to school every day.
当凯尔开始每天穿着连帽衫去学校时，没有人注意到。
_______
“Hey, dingus.” “嘿，笨蛋。”
While walking home from school one day, Kel whirled around in surprise at the sound of an insult, only to be met with the familiar face of Aubrey. She was wearing an unreadable expression, her eyes full of conviction. His stomach churned, but he cracked a signature Kel smile and ignored that there was absolutely no feeling behind it.
一天放学回家的路上，凯尔听到侮辱声时惊讶地转过身，却遇到了奥布里的熟悉面孔。她脸上带着难以读懂的表情，眼神中充满信念。他的胃一阵翻搅，但还是挤出一个标志性的凯尔微笑，忽略了这笑容背后毫无感觉的事实。
“Aubrey! Man, I just saw you during last period! What, was being my lab partner not enough?” Kel teased her playfully, but it was almost painfully obvious that it was lacking any real joy. Aubrey didn’t seem convinced either, and Kel’s forced smile faltered.
“奥布里！哥们儿，我刚才课间看见你了！怎么了，当我的实验搭档还不够？”凯尔俏皮地逗她，但那明显缺乏真正的快乐，几乎让人感到痛苦。奥布里似乎也不太相信，凯尔强颜欢笑的表情开始动摇。
“I wanna talk to you about something. You’re coming with me.”
“我想跟你谈谈一件事。你要跟我来。”
“But- I’m almost home-” “但是——我快到家了——”
Aubrey let out an exasperated sigh and pinched Kel’s ear, dragging him backwards. He let out a cry of alarm.
奥布里叹了口气，又气又无奈地揪住凯尔的耳朵，把他往后拉。凯尔惊叫了一声。
“No way out of it.” She exclaimed, and that was that. Kel didn’t have enough energy to fight back anyways.
“没路可走了。”她喊道，事情就这样定了。凯尔反正也没力气反抗了。
Soon, they arrived at the hangout spot their once inseparable group of friends had used to play on on endless summer days. The constant pit in Kel’s stomach seemed to grow just a little more as the pair sat down next to one another on Mari’s faded old blanket. Aubrey stared holes into him.
很快，他们来到了那个曾经亲密无间的朋友组在无尽夏日里玩耍的聚集地。当两人坐在玛丽的褪色旧毯子上时，凯尔胃里的那块阴影似乎又加深了一点点。奥布里盯着他，仿佛要把他看穿。
“So… what’s up?” He questioned awkwardly.
“所以……怎么了？”他尴尬地问道。
“...”
“Aubrey…?”
“I’m gonna be blunt. You’ve been acting a lot like Basil used to lately. Shit, man, even he doesn’t really act this mopey anymore. The hell is goin’ on with you, dude? You know you can tell me anything.”
我直说了吧。你最近的行为很像 Basil 以前的样子。见鬼，连他都不再这么闷闷不乐了。你到底怎么了，哥们？你知道你可以跟我说任何事。
Kel swallowed, hard. His hands began to clam up.
凯尔吞了吞口水，双手开始发抖。
“H-hah, like Basil? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“哈……像 Basil？那是什么意思？”
“What, do you need me to spell it out for you? You’ve always been such a numbskull-” Aubrey cut herself off mid sentence, sensing the way Kel’s shoulders drooped ever so slightly without actually having to see it. “Sorry.”
“什么，要我明说吗？你总是这么……笨蛋——”奥布里话到一半突然停住，感觉到凯尔肩膀微微下垂，即使没有看到。 “抱歉。”
“Nah, you’re fine. I have always been a numbskull.”
“没事，你没事。我一直都很笨。”
“Shut up and let me finish.” Aubrey sneered, although it wasn’t malicious. “You’ve just been so… I dunno. Weird lately. I don’t see you in the gym after school anymore, and you don’t leave your house to come bother me and the hooligans as much either. Hell, I can’t remember the last time me, you and Basil all just… hung out. Not to mention those boring ass hoodies. I hate to say it, but I kinda miss your flashy basketball clothes.”
“闭嘴，让我说完。”奥布里轻蔑地说，虽然不是恶意。“你最近……我搞不懂。怪怪的。放学后我不去健身房见你，也不常离开家来烦我和那帮混混。天啊，我记不清上一次我们三个人……一起玩是什么时候了。更别提那些无聊的连帽衫。虽然我不愿说，但我有点怀念你那身闪亮的篮球服。”
As much as Kel wished he could laugh at that last comment, something else had overtaken all his senses, quickly diminishing the fleeting joy from inside him, and instead replacing it with pure, unadulterated dread. Without even realizing it, Kel’s eyes began to flit around nervously, and he was chewing his lower lip between his teeth. Aubrey’s eyebrows furrowed in concern.
尽管凯尔多么希望他能嘲笑那最后一句评论，但另一件事已经占据了所有他的感官，迅速消散了他内心的短暂快乐，取而代之的是纯粹的、未受污染的恐惧。凯尔甚至没有意识到，他的眼睛开始紧张地四处瞟动，嘴里咬着下唇。奥布里担忧地皱起了眉头。
“C’mon, Kel… I told you can talk to me about anything. Are you doing okay?”
“来吧，凯尔……我告诉你，你可以跟我谈论任何事情。你还好吗？”
Kel could do little to hold back the flood of tears that burst to the surface as soon as she asked that simple question.
凯尔几乎无法抑制住当她问出那个简单问题时涌上心头的泪水。
No one had asked him that so genuinely in a long time, let alone gone out of their way to personally offer themselves as a shoulder to cry on. Sure, Hero might have, but he was still away, and was always busy when he was actually home. Just the gesture itself had been overwhelming, but this? This was the straw to break the camel's back. Loud, guttural sobs escaped Kel’s throat, each one more broken than the last as he practically threw himself at Aubrey, desperate for some form of physical comfort. Through mumbled, sniveling words that were often interrupted by soft, cracked wails, Kel explained everything.
很长时间没有人如此真诚地问他，更不用说特意亲自提出愿意做他倾诉的肩膀。当然，赫罗可能愿意，但他仍然不在，而且即使在家时也总是很忙。仅仅是这个姿态本身就已经让他难以承受，而这次？这成了压垮骆驼的最后一根稻草。凯尔发出响亮而粗重的哭声，每一次都比上一次更加破碎，他几乎是扑向奥布里，急切地寻求某种身体上的安慰。凯尔含糊不清、抽噎着解释了一切，话语中常常被轻柔而沙哑的哭声打断。
He explained how he had been putting aside his feelings since Mari had died, ignoring the grief he carried in order to keep up his normal cheerful behavior as a coping mechanism. How his self esteem had tanked in middle school, and how he felt as if he wasn’t the happy go lucky friend, he had no purpose. How he was never good enough for his own family to love him, so how could he be good enough for anything else? How he was constantly in a state of limbo, floating endlessly in his sea of self loathing. How he only wore hoodies now because he didn’t want other people to see the scars he thought he deserved.
他解释说自从玛丽去世后，他一直压抑着自己的感情，为了保持正常开朗的行为作为应对机制，他忽略了内心的悲痛。他讲述了自己在中学时自尊心如何一落千丈，感觉自己不再是那个无忧无虑的朋友，失去了生活的目标。他觉得自己永远不够好，无法得到家人的爱，那么他又怎么能够做好其他任何事呢？他总是处于一种悬而未决的状态，在自我厌恶的海洋中无尽地漂浮。他现在只穿连帽衫，因为他不想让别人看到他认为自己应得的那些疤痕。
Aubrey said nothing as his tears soaked the shoulder of her letterman jacket, merely wrapping her arms around her shaking friend and using a free hand to stroke his hair comfortingly. She had never done that before. Kel didn’t know whether to appreciate the gesture or to cry harder.
奥布里一言不发，泪水浸湿了她的字母衫肩部，只是紧紧抱住颤抖的朋友，并用空着的手温柔地抚摸他的头发。她以前从未做过这样的事。凯尔不知道是该感激这个举动还是应该哭得更厉害。
When he finally came to his senses again and sat up, eyes red and puffy from finally spilling out multiple years worth pent up feelings, she took one of his hands in hers and squeezed it. He couldn’t bear to meet her gaze.
当他终于再次清醒过来，坐起身时，眼睛因终于倾泻出多年积压的情感而变得通红浮肿，她握住他的其中一只手并紧紧捏住。他无法忍受与她对视。
“Kel, I’m… so sorry.”
“Kel，我……真的非常抱歉。”
He shrugged. “S’ fine. It isn’t like you’re responsible for my feelings or anything, heh.”
他耸了耸肩。“没事。反正你也不需要为我感觉负责，嘿嘿。”
“No, but… you’ve been hurting for years, and I was being too much of a fucking knucklehead to notice. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that alone. It was selfish of me to think you just didn’t care.”
“不，但是……你已经痛苦了好几年，而我却太蠢了，没有注意到。对不起，让你一个人承受了所有这些。我太自私了，以为你根本不在乎。”
“Seriously, Aubs, it’s okay. I’ll be okay.”
“说真的，奥布斯，没关系。我会没事的。”
From his peripheral vision, Kel could see Aubrey apprehensively glance down at Kel’s wrists, before quickly reverting her attention. His heart panged within his chest.
从他的余光中，凯尔能看到奥布里紧张地瞥了一眼凯尔的手腕，然后迅速将注意力转开。他的心在胸腔里隐隐作痛。
“I dunno if I believe that, but… ugh, I am so not good at this. Just. No matter what, I’ll be here for you, kay? Hero was right, you know. With what he said last summer. I’m not making the mistake of leaving anyone alone again. That includes you, nerd.”
“我不知道我信不信，但是……呃，我真不擅长这个。就是。不管怎样，我都会在这里支持你，好吗？英雄是对的，你知道。就像他去年夏天说的话。我不会再犯离开任何人独自一人的错误了。这包括你，书呆子。”
Kel swallowed and nodded, before Aubrey quickly pulled him in for another hug. He cried again, although for less time, as he had dried up most of his tears merely a few minutes prior.
凯尔咽了口口水点了点头，奥布里迅速又把他拉过来给了个拥抱。他又哭了，虽然时间不长，因为几分钟前他的眼泪大部分都干了。
But that was okay. Genuinely, really okay. Because for the very first time since Sunny left, Kel felt a real, genuine sense of hope. Just a glimmer, as small as a speck of dust, but he felt it. Maybe things would turn out alright in the end.
但是那没关系。真的，真的没关系。因为自从 Sunny 离开后，Kel 第一次感受到了真正的、真诚的希望。那只是一丝微光，渺小得像尘埃中的一粒，但他感觉到了。也许最终事情会好起来的。
_______
March twenty third, five a.m. on the dot. Kel’s phone buzzed, and as he scooped it off his night table, he stole a glance at the opposing side of the room. Hero was sleeping soundly in his bed, having returned from college for spring break earlier in the day. Kel looked back to the device in his hand, squinting as he was blinded by the light from the screen. There was merely one notification - a text from Aubrey. Curious, he slid open the message.
3 月 23 日，凌晨 5 点整。凯尔手机响了，他伸手从床头柜上拿起手机，瞥了一眼房间另一侧。英雄正熟睡在他的床上，他当天早些时候刚从大学返校，正值春季假期。凯尔转回头看向手中的设备，屏幕的光线刺得他眯起了眼睛。只有一个通知——来自奥布里的一条短信。好奇之下，他滑动屏幕打开了消息。
From: aubrey bo bobrey
来自：aubrey bo bobrey
Hey, nerd. You’re probably passed out cold right now, but I really couldn’t wait to text you. You’re gonna fucking kill me for this, but… I ran away. Left a few hours ago. I’m so beyond sorry, dude. I just couldn’t handle being around the abusive piece of human garbage that calls itself my mom any longer. That wasn’t my home. My home has always been with you guys, and with the hooligans. But don’t worry, I’m not alone! Kim and I are together. Her home life was never good either. We’re gonna try and find a place to stay, maybe actually make something of ourselves in this fucked up world. Please don’t be too mad at me. I know I promised you a couple months back I’d never leave you alone again, and I meant that, with every fiber of my heart. You’ve got my number. As soon as me and Kim find somewhere to land, I'll give you the address. Don’t tell Hero, though. Anyone but Hero. Don’t want him having a premature heart attack knowing I’m living alone with my girlfriend before I’m even eighteen, haha. He has grown up a lot, though, so who knows.
嘿，书呆子。你现在可能已经冻僵了，但我实在等不及要给你发短信。你肯定会为我这事杀了我，但……我逃走了。几个小时前就离开了。我实在太抱歉了，哥们儿。我再也无法忍受围绕在我身边那个自称为我妈妈的虐待狂。那不是我的家。我的家一直都在你们和那些混混们身边。但别担心，我并不孤单！我和金在一起了。她的家庭生活也从来不好。我们会试着找个地方住，也许在这个该死的世界里真的能做出点事来。请不要对我太生气。我知道几个月前我向你承诺过再也不会离开你一个人，我说的每一个字都是发自内心的。我有你的号码。我和金找到落脚点后，我会告诉你地址。不过别告诉英雄。除了英雄，谁都行。不想让他知道我在十八岁之前就一个人和女朋友生活，那样他可能会突发心脏病，哈哈。不过他长大了好多，所以谁知道呢。
Man, I totally just rambled like a fucking idiot. But whatever. Just know no matter where I am, I've always got everyone's backs, okay? Especially yours. You mean a lot to me, you smelly nerd. Take care, Kel. Text me as soon as you can.
哥们儿，我刚才简直像条傻逼一样胡言乱语。不过无所谓。反正你要知道，无论我在哪儿，我始终为大家撑腰，尤其是你。你对我来说很重要，你那又臭又笨的宅男。照顾好自己，凯尔。尽快给我发个短信。
Kel felt his entire body go ice cold, and as he slammed his phone face down on his nightstand, shattering the screen, it took all the strength within himself to not scream as loud as his vocal cords would allow.
凯尔感到全身瞬间变得冰冷，当他猛地把手机面朝下摔在床头柜上，屏幕碎裂时，他竭尽全力才没有用自己声带所能达到的最大音量尖叫出来。
The noise did wake Hero, though, and when he questioned what was going on, Kel let out a small, pained wail, which quickly dissolved into a breakdown just like with Aubrey. Without even a thought, he spilled his guts to his brother.
噪音确实吵醒了 Hero，当他询问发生了什么时，Kel 发出了一声小小的、痛苦的呜咽，很快就像 Aubrey 那样崩溃了。他甚至没多想，就向哥哥倾诉了自己的心事。
Hero knew everything now. There was no telling what would happen next.
英雄现在知道了所有事情。接下来会发生什么，无人知晓。
_______
Kel couldn’t take it anymore. He’d lost everything.
凯尔再也无法忍受了。他失去了所有。
As soon as Aubrey disappeared, something within him broke beyond repair.
奥布里消失的瞬间，他内心某处的东西彻底碎裂，无法修复。
Hero had freaked out as soon as he found out about Kel’s less than healthy coping mechanism, and immediately told their parents the following morning, who took their sweet sweet time in reprimanding the youngest of the two brothers for “being such an irresponsible young man who never told them anything.”
Hero 一发现 Kel 不健康的应对机制就慌了神，第二天一早就立刻告诉了父母。父母慢悠悠地训斥了两个兄弟中最小的那个，“真是个不负责任的小伙子，从来都不跟他们说任何事。”
Instead of seeing something was truly wrong, and agreeing to get Kel the help he so desperately needed, they decided fair punishment for his “transgression” was refusing to replace his phone. Kel had no way to contact Aubrey now, and no way to text Sunny either. Hero, feeling guilty that he was the catalyst to set the day's sequence of events into motion, offered to buy Kel a new phone himself. He had the resources to pay for it, after all. Kel refused.
他们没有看到真正的问题所在，也没有同意给 Kel 他急需的帮助，而是决定以不更换他的手机作为对他的“过错”的公平惩罚。现在 Kel 没有办法联系 Aubrey，也没有办法给 Sunny 发短信。Hero 因为觉得自己是引发当天一系列事件的导火索而感到内疚，主动提出自己给 Kel 买新手机。毕竟他有能力支付这笔费用。但 Kel 拒绝了。
He wouldn’t need one anymore, anyways. He had made his choice as soon as he’d read Aubrey’s message.
他反正也用不上了。他读完奥布里（Aubrey）的消息后，就已经做出了选择。
_______
As afternoon progressed into evening, Kel was left alone in the house, much to Hero’s concern. He had wanted to stay behind with Kel to watch over him, and see if he could really get him to just talk, but he had no way of getting out of work, as he was lucky enough that Fix-It was understanding about his college situation and always let him work on break, at the cost of all his free time. Reluctantly, Hero eventually left the house after hugging Kel much harder and for much longer than he usually did. Kel felt nothing the whole time.
随着下午渐渐变成傍晚，凯尔独自留在家里，这让赫罗非常担心。他本想留下来陪凯尔，看看是否真的能让他开口说话，但他无法脱身，因为他很幸运，修理铺对他的大学情况很理解，总是让他利用休息时间工作，代价是他所有的空闲时间。赫罗不情愿地最终离开了家，给了凯尔一个比平时更紧、更久的拥抱。凯尔一整时间都没有任何感觉。
Their parents, on the other hand, seemed just fine with the concept of Kel being alone, even after his suicidal ideation came to light. They brushed it off, just like they did with everything related to him, and left for their respective evening commitments. It was fine. Kel wanted to be alone for what he planned to do anyways.
另一方面，他们的父母似乎对凯尔独自一人这个概念很接受，即使他的自杀念头被揭露了。他们像对待凯尔的一切事情一样轻描淡写地把它搪塞过去，然后各自去赴晚上的安排。这没什么。凯尔本来也打算独自一人做他要做的事。
After working up the strength to get out of bed, Kel let the monstrous voice inside his head guide him. There were plenty of options, but he felt like he deserved to die a painful death.
在鼓起勇气从床上爬起来后，凯尔让脑海中那个可怕的声音指引他。有很多选择，但他觉得自己应该痛苦地死去。
The door to the bathroom creaked open.
浴室的门吱呀一声打开了。
_______
Kel stared with an empty gaze into the running water of the bathtub. If it had been Hero wanting to do something so drastic, his parents surely would have gotten him emergency support and a therapist without even blinking. Kel felt something within his gut twist.
凯尔空洞的目光凝视着浴缸里流淌的水。如果这是小英雄想做的事，他的父母肯定会毫不犹豫地为他提供紧急支持和心理治疗。凯尔感到自己的胃里一阵扭曲。
The water was warm as he sunk into it, feeling as the heat spread over his entire body. It was strange to be fully clothed in a bathtub, but it also offered an oddly comforting sense on top of the numbness that filled his body. That was okay, though. It would all be over soon, and he could forget that awful numbness, alongside everything else.
水很温暖，他沉入其中，感受着热量遍布全身。在浴缸里全身穿着衣服感觉很奇怪，但它也提供了一种奇异的安慰感，超越了充斥他身体的麻木感。不过，那没关系。很快一切都会结束，他可以忘记那种可怕的麻木感，连同其他所有事情。
_______
It hurt. It hurt so badly. Kel stared up at the bright white lights in their fixed places on the ceiling, vision going in doubles. He wondered if his funeral would be a closed or open casket. He wondered if anyone would come. He wondered if there would even be a funeral, or if his parents would be too ashamed of his selfish act to even hold one.
很痛。痛得厉害。凯尔仰头望着天花板上固定位置的那些明亮的白光，视线开始模糊。他不知道自己的葬礼会是封闭棺材还是开放棺材。他不知道是否有人会来。他不知道是否会有葬礼，或者他的父母是否因为他的自私行为而羞愧到连葬礼都不愿意举行。
Though, no matter what happened, it didn’t really matter in the end. It wasn’t like he’d be there to see it.
然而，无论发生什么，最终都无关紧要。他也不会在那里亲眼见证这一切。
Kel could feel it as his heartbeat slowed within his chest, and the ceiling grew faded and blurry. As he slipped from consciousness, he swore he heard the door creak open, followed by the familiar scream of the only person in his family that ever truly cared for him.
凯能感觉到自己的心跳在胸腔中逐渐放缓，天花板变得模糊不清。在他意识逐渐模糊之际，他发誓听到了门轴发出吱呀声，接着是那个唯一真正关心他的家人的熟悉尖叫。
But it was fine. Kel would finally be free. Soon, everything was going to be okay for good.
但是没关系。凯尔终于可以自由了。很快，一切都会变得非常好了。